02x02 - She Drives Me Crazy

[bunniefuu]

- They say that honesty is the best policy,

but I say the world would be an awful place

without little white lies.

What would happen if

you were totally, completely honest all the time?

Like let's say your Aunt Dornie

gives you one of those potpourri sachets

that makes all your underwear

smell like cinnamon raisin loaf...

♪

Sachet?

Yuck!

This stuff turns my stomach.

I think I'm gonna puke.

- I was just trying to be thoughtful.

- Or your best friend gets a new haircut

that's really awful.

Yikes.

I've seen trolls with better hair.

- [scoffs]

- If everyone told the truth all the time,

the economy would suffer.

So how's the pizza today?

- The sauce is too spicy.

The dough is too heavy.

The mozzarella was fine till I sneezed in it.

- I know I wouldn't want to know the truth all the time.

Sometimes little white lies are okay,

even necessary,

especially when you want something so badly,

so desperately,

something so important

it will change your life forever,

like...

A car.

[horn honking]

[upbeat percussive music]

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it

- Okay, so I lied,

but my nose hasn't grown one millimeter.

Eat your heart out, Pinocchio.

Guess who won the "Cheeky" magazine essay contest

"My Bro: What a Guy"?

[buzzer sounds]

Time's up. Me!

A brand-new car,

and all I had to do was tell them

what a great brother I have.

I know what you're thinking.

Me and Fergbreath--

there have been better sibling relationships.

[trumpet fanfare]

[dramatic percussion]

- Mom always liked you best.

- [cackling]

- I can't believe you left a trail of bread crumbs.

- You were the one who said, "birds don't eat bread crumbs."

-Dummkopf!

Then do the wash

and then the dishes.

Milk the cows and feed the chickens--

all the chickens in the kingdom.

[tires squealing]

- Convertible sports car, loaded.

Of course, according to my parents

and every state in the Union,

I'm too young to drive,

but a girl's got to plan for her future.

[ladder rattling]

Hi, Sam.

[twangy guitar chord]

- Where is it?

I want to smell the corinthian leather,

blast the high-fidelity stereo,

make the power windows go up and down,

up and down.

- I can't wait to hit the road.

There's just one catch.

The car isn't officially mine

until after I meet Jill.

- Who's Jill?

- "Who's Jill?"

Jill is "Cheeky."

She's the editor-in-chief.

- She's everywhere.

This isn't a magazine;

it's a diary.

- She's involved.

That's why "Cheeky" is so popular.

- And she's coming here to meet you and Ferguson.

What's the consolation prize?

- Sam, the car is mine.

So is the game pack, the CD player,

the whole "Cheeky" prize package.

- Clarissa,

the contest was not "My Bro: What a Tool."

You've got to... To...

Like each other.

- Jill's coming to snap some pics

of me and Fergbrain to go with my essay,

and then she's history.

- Yeah, but what if Ferguson tells her about the time

that you sent his photo to Sally Struthers,

suggesting that she give him to some third world family?

Or the time you turned him into America's Most Wanted?

- Well, they didn't take him.

- Once Jill meets him, it's, "Adios, automobile."

[horn honking]

- You're right.

I've got to do something.

I've got it!

I'll be nice to him.

- What a great idea.

Being nice to Ferguson-- that's something

you've always shown a natural talent for.

- Hold it.

I'm serious.

I've endured pain before.

I've ripped off band-aids without flinching.

- And you read "The Canterbury Tales" for Mr. Futtstein.

- I survived the theater club's tribute to Andrew Lloyd Webber.

This'll be a breeze.

I just have to be nice to the little creepazoid.

- It's never going to work.

- Sure it will.

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

- Sam, let me show you something.

You know the expression,

"you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar"?

- That's one scary-lookin' fly.

- Just use the honey to catch the Fergfly.

- Missed me.

- Take that, bug-head.

- You've got him.

- Whoa! He's pretty quick.

- Not quick enough.

- You're mine, buzz-brain.

- Go for it.

- [screams]

- Wow! This stuff is really powerful.

- Missed me.

Missed me.

[screams]

- See? Honey is all you need.

- It just may work.

- And after I get what I want...

Wham.

- Look, Marshall.

These low-impact aerobics shoes sound great.

- Well, what's wrong with the sneakers I already have?

- Don't be silly.

You can't wear everydaysneakers

to a Body by Basil aerobics class, Marshall.

- Aw, Janet, I don't think I want to go.

- Oh... - I just don't feel comfortable

working out with someone named after a plant.

- Do you have any idea

how long we've been on his waiting list?

- Not long enough.

- Basil's classes are fun. - Mm.

Well, I don't think any activity

requiring grown men to wear activewear

can be classified as fun.

- It's Basil-wear...

- Oh-ho.

- Especially designed

to make your body work more efficiently.

- Well, I'm happy with the way my body works right now--

slow and steady, like the tortoise.

He won the race.

- Dad, I can't believe you let mom talk you into this.

- Oh, well, it was the lesser of two evils, sport.

It was either this or...

Square dancing.

- Square dancing? Ugh.

You mean, like, do-si-do and dumb bandannas

and creepy gingham shirts?

You're right, Dad.

Go with the Basil guy.

Are there any oranges?

- Check behind the kale casserole.

Good for you, Clarissa.

Fresh fruit is so healthy and vitamin-rich.

- I thought Ferguson might like a fresh glass of OJ.

[ominous music]

- [gasps]

- What did she say?

- Are you feeling well, honey?

- I'm fine. - Ooh, good.

I hope it's something that erupts into an itchy rash.

Scars would be nice.

- I hope you...

Ferguson, you're so funny.

That's what I like best about you.

- Mom, what's wrong with her?

If she doesn't recover soon,

can I have her room?

- Nice try, dog-breath--

I mean, Ferguson,

would you like a fresh cup of OJ?

- No way. Did you spit in it?

- Ferguson, you should thank your sister

for her thoughtfulness, mm?

- Thanks, sis. You're one in a million.

- I'd do anything for my dear, dear brother.

- Anything?

- Of course.

- Well, then you wouldn't mind returning

my overdue books to the library this afternoon.

- No problem.

- Really? Why?

- Oh, dear. There's only one waffle left.

[together] I'll take it.

- Oh, gee, I'm sure Clarissa wouldn't mind

if I had it, would you, sis?

- No.

After all, you're a growing boy.

But not for long.

- What was that, sis? - Nothing.

- Now, Ferguson, what do you say to your sister?

- Extra syrup.

[shrieking]

- Hi, Sam.

[twangy guitar chord]

- For you.

My dad bought these seat covers for our car last year

and then had second thoughts.

Said they weren't manly enough for a sports writer.

- Maybe we can wrap Ferguson's body in these

before we throw him over a cliff.

- Uh-oh. Nice didn't work?

- The problem with attracting flies with honey

is that it doesn't work on rats.

- Then you're going to have to tell him the truth.

- I can't tell him I need him.

- But you do. - Are you kidding?

Letting Ferguson know he's got the advantage

is like letting your mom cut your bangs for you.

It's too risky,

and you know you're gonna look like a dweeb.

- Then use guilt.

- Guilt? - Guilt.

Like when he wants me to clean my room,

my dad says stuff like,

"it's not easy being a single parent,

"who works long hours to provide you

"with everything you need,

but I do it because I love you."

Before I know it, I'm dusting and scrubbing.

- Guilt is good. There's just one problem.

- What's that?

- I think you need a conscience

and a full range of human feelings

to be susceptible to guilt.

We're talking about Fergbreath.

- Maybe you're right.

What's the alternative?

- We can bind him, gag him,

stuff him in a closet,

and hire an actor to play my brother.

Hey, Sam...

- We're looking for a solution, not an Oscar.

Besides, I'm not a good enough actor

to play Ferguson.

- You're right. It's a tough part.

We better stick with guilt.

[cartoon TV noises]

[suspenseful music]

♪

Hi, Ferguson.

- "Ferguson"?

How come all of a sudden

you're calling me "Ferguson"?

You're making me nervous.

- The last thing I'd ever want to do

is make you nervous.

This is for you.

- What is it?

- A present.

- A present?

- Aren't you gonna open it?

- Do you think I'm nuts?

- Why do you find it so difficult

to accept a gift from me?

- The last time you gave me a present,

it exploded when I took the lid off.

Then there were the giant snakes

that sprung out of my Christmas gift.

And who can forget the itching powder

sprinkled generously over my new khaki pants?

[trumpet fanfare]

where's the detonator?

Hey, I was watching that!

- I want to show you something.

Look, do you see a family in this picture?

- Yeah, so?

Bunch of dorky people dressed up in silly clothes,

stuffing their faces.

- Well, it makes me sad for Mom and Dad

because we'll never have this.

- Have what?

- Don't you see it's inevitable?

We don't get along now.

We'll grow into adults who don't get along.

- At least when we grow up, we can live in different states.

- Every holiday, Mom and Dad will weep

because your family will hate my family.

Our kids will hate each other.

- Kids? What kids?

- The hatred will pass to the next generation.

We've wasted so much time fighting about such dumb things.

I want us to start over.

I don't want to lose the only brother I'll ever have.

- You mean you don't want to lose

the only convertible you'll ever have!

- Who told you?

- I found the letter from "Cheeky"

while I was going through your diary.

- My diary? - I got bored.

Thought I'd do a little catch-up reading.

- But the combination lock-- - Cracked it!

- How can you win a contest

about having the best brother in the world

when he's about to have a fatal accident?

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

- So Ferguson is the only thing

standing between me and a new car.

Here are my alternatives.

I could borrow my parents' car for the rest of my life...

Dad, I have an important meeting.

Can I borrow the car?

- Oh, I'm not sure you're old enough yet

to drive, Clarissa.

- Maybe next year, honey.

- Hold an auction with Ferguson

going to the highest bidder...

[classical music]

Okay, the bidding will start at $..

What am I bid? What am I bid?

I'll throw in this nifty salad sh**t.

Now what am I bid? What am I bid?

- $..

- Sold!

Or compromise with the little weasel.

Someday he'll pay for this,

but for now, I have to keep my eye on the prize.

- I figured you would come to your senses

with so much at stake.

You're wise to negotiate.

- Let's just get this over with quickly.

- I know this is inadmissible in a court of law,

but lest there be any disputes later on,

I want a record.

- Fine.

You strike a hard bargain,

but I'm willing to part with the following:

three pairs of "Cheeky" shoelaces,

the "Cheeky" sweatshirt,

and, okay, the "Cheeky" frisbee

autographed by Jill herself.

- Listen carefully.

These are my demands:

the complete game pack package,

including the game cartridges--

- But-- - Eh!

The CD player, the -inch TV,

and joint ownership of the car.

- That leaves me with half a car.

- When you're serious, have your people call my people.

- Wait.

- I enjoy negotiations.

Perhaps one day, I'll enter the diplomatic corps.

- Forget about the car. You can have the rest.

- No car?

Then you'll have to toss in three months' chores

without Mom and Dad knowing

so that I continue to be a son that they're proud of.

- Fine.

But once I get my car,

I'll let you ride in the trunk.

- Okay, Ferguson, let's take it from the top.

- I can't.

- You have to.

- I need a break.

- If you want to pull out now,

I'll just consider our contract null and void.

Null game pack, void CD player--

- You look particularly lovely today, sister dear.

- Oh, thank you, Fergola.

- "Fergola"? What is that?

- A term of endearment.

Everyone has them for people they care about.

Maybe that's why you never heard it before.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

- Come on, you guys. Try to focus.

- This is the outfit you bought me for my birthday.

You have such great taste,

but you shouldn't have spent two months' allowance on it.

- I would have spent more if I had it.

After all, I have only one sister.

- And I have but one brother,

the best brother in the whole wide world.

- Great.

Go on now. You have to hug.

- Remind me how much I want this car, Sam.

- Think open road, the wind caressing your hair.

Think whitewall radials.

Think five on the floor.

Okay, that's a wrap.

- Jill will be here at : sharp.

Are you prepared to do your part?

- Consider it done.

The plaque from the community center

is being engraved right now:

"Clarissa and Ferguson Darling:

"outstanding brother and sister of the year,

third year in a row."

- Great.

Now let's synchronize our watches.

Ferguson, that means

Mickey's little hand is on the .

- I knew that.

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na

- Refund? - Oh, Janet.

- No, we can't get our money back,

but even if we could, I wouldn't.

This is going to be fun.

- I know fun, Janet.

I had some once.

This isn't it.

- When we first started dating,

there wasn't anything you wouldn't try.

- When we first started dating,

I hadn't tried very many things.

- Warm up with me, Marshall.

[panting]

- I'm gonna warm up the car.

- [gasps]

Clarissa, I just want you to know

that I've noticed a great change here.

- You have?

- I know it's hard sometimes,

but I think it's great to see you guys getting along so well.

- Thanks, Mom.

- Bye!

[door clicks shut]

- Isn't it wonderful

when there's true harmony in a family?

[trumpet fanfare]

- I'm not wearing this.

- Do you want the CD player or not?

Now, remember, you're the youngest Eagle Scout

in the history of this country.

- How come you get to look cool

and I have to look like a dork?

- It was in my essay.

[doorbell rings]

Jill? - Clarissa!

- I feel like I already know you from your magazine.

- Everybody does.

I feel like I am best buds

with every single one of my readers.

And you must be primo bro Ferguson.

Pleasure.

[laughs]

Carrottop.

Ooh, I'll bet you just burn like a lobster in the sun.

- Carrottop?

- Mm!

So you must have been so freaked to have won.

How are the parental units coping?

You've told them, haven't you?

- Oh, sure. They're thrilled.

- Mom and Dad are happy that Clarissa and I enjoy

a rare, special kind of relationship.

That, in and of itself, is a gift.

- But not as great a gift as a brand-new car.

- So, Fergie-san, have you adjusted to being back?

Living in Japan for a year must have been so cool.

- Japan?

Yeah...

Oh, Japan. Uh, it was, um, neat.

It was neat, yeah.

- Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool.

You know, I sleep in a kimono sometimes.

[squeals]

and I practice tai chi.

Catch this.

[mysterious music]

- cool. Cool. Cool. Cool.

- Uh-huh.

You know, Clarissa, we chose your essay

from hundreds.

Most of the others were just so...

Stinky.

I mean, pee-ew!

But, Red, you sounded too good to be true.

- "Red"? She called me "Red"?

- Yeah, he's so unbelievable.

Sometimes I have to pinch myself

just to make sure this isn't some sort of dream.

- Sometimes I have to pinch her.

- [chuckles]

The times Ferg and I spend together--

biking, camping,

tossing the old football around...

- Hey!

- He does that just to make me look good.

- And, of course, powwow time.

- Powwow time?

- Yeah, you know, the times at night

when we get together

and share our most intimate feelings and dreams.

- Ohh! I loved that part of your essay.

You two have such a--

mm, a therapeutic relationship.

You know, I was in therapy for a while.

Uh-huh.

Analysis.

Turns out I was just super premenstrual.

So we did a whole issue about it.

[laughs] very rad for a mag.

- Ah, Jill, can I share something with you?

- Sure.

We're buds.sh**t.

- Writing that essay

and thinking about my dream brother

really meant a lot to me.

- Wow.Heavy.

Hey, how about some pics together, kids, okay?

I'm sure the "Cheeky" readers would love to see me--

well, with you guys,that is.

[electronic beeping]

Okay, scoot on over.

Everybody look at the camera and say,"'Cheeky'!"

[camera clicks and whirs]

Ohh!

That'll look great on my "A Penny for My Thoughts" page.

Oh...

So, Fergie,

I understand you're an accomplished ballroom dancer.

- I am?

- We won the junior mambo contest

three years in a row.

Don't you remember?

- I don't even remember the ballroom.

- He's so modest.

That's one of the things I love most about him.

- And he petit points.

- Petit points?

- You're very good at it.

- All right, wait a minute.

- I did a sampler once.

It said, "you can never be too cool

or too rad."

I used day-glo thread.

- I saw that in your September "Jill at Home" issue.

- Great issue.

Isn't my home cool?

- Next you'll tell me that I macramé or decoupage

or bake puff pastries in my spare time.

- Hey, it's okay, Rusty.

It's great to be in touch with your femme side.

Now, let's dish a little.

- Dish? - Yeah.

I know everything you love about each other.

How about the negativos?

What really, ooh, bugs you about each other?

both: Nothing.

- Come on, now. Truth or dare.

Nothing a little vomitous?

- Well...

She hates the fact that

I'm a better student than she is.

- Better student?

He thought the Pythagorean theorem

was a Greek tragedy.

And he's too neat.

- Neat cool or neatneat?

- Let's put it like this.

His socks are arranged alphabetically by color.

- Just because you're comfortable

living with dust balls the size of tumbleweeds--

- Ooh! [hisses]

score one for Mr. Freckles.

- Freckles! Don't call me freckles!

- Did I mention he still sleeps with his blankie?

- She stuffs her bra.

- His blankie is named Nellie.

- She burps louder than a sailor.

- Burp-face. - Barf-brain.

- Dork-breath. - Geek!

- Hey! What is going on here?

- We're enjoying each other's company.

Can't you tell?

- Yeah, Jill, can't you tell?

- Wait a second. Hold it.

I am having a humungo realization.

Could it be that you guys don't like each other?

- Like each other?

We can't stand each other!

Right, dog-breath?

- "Like" isn't a word

I'd put in the same room with him.

[together] we hate each other.

- Whoa. [laughs]

I think you have confused "Cheeky"'s essay contest

with a fiction competition.

This isn't the relationship

that deserves a convertible sports car.

Uh-uh!

And I, Jill, won't have you in my magazine.

- Well, I might have stretched the truth a little,

but at least we don't talk about ourselves every minute.

- And we don't go around

calling people we don't know "Rusty" and "Freckles."

- Now, now, now.

You know how "Cheeky" feels about sore losers.

That is one of Jill's no-no's.

[laughs]

And by the way,

I would deep-six the floral leggings.

They are so retro.

- Well, I don't care what you or "Cheeky" thinks.

I wear what I wear because I like it,

not because someone tells me what's in.

- Yeah, I mean, you don't want to go around

looking like her!

- Excuse me?

I don't have to stand here and take this.

- Then don't!

[trumpet fanfare]

- Hi, everybody.

- Oh!

I am just so sick

of having to deal with all you two-bit

little teenage twerps.

Yuck.

- Why do I get the feeling I'm too late?

- Life is so unfair.

Now I'll never get to drive my own car.

Never!

- Ah! Ooh!

That's funny,

because I'll have to drive my own car.

I may never be able to walk again.

- What's all this about a car?

- Oh, these shin splints are k*lling me, hon.

- It'll get easier.

Basil said the first week is always the hardest.

- You don't think I'm going back there, do you, huh?

You know, I could lie to you and tell you

that I have a meeting next week, but I'm gonna be honest.

I hate running in place.

I hate Basil-metrics.

I hate Basil.

- Marshall.

- Mom, Dad is just being honest.

- Yeah, if the rest of the world followed his example,

maybe we wouldn't be so disappointed

about losing a car.

- Why does everybody keep talking about a car?

- Let's just say that honesty is the best policy.

Telling the truth does have its advantages,

right, nerd-pie?

- Stuff it, ooze-head. - Slug-breath.

- Wart-lips. - Amoeba-brain.

- That's one more cell than you.

- "Teenage Mutant Ninja" moron.

- Dork-butt.

- Creepazoid. - Barf-brain.

- Fish-face.

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na