01x13 - Parents Who Say No

[bunniefuu]

- ♪

- You know how the front page of the newspaper's

always about the stock market or Russians?

Well, that's stuff important.

But what about the truly dire things?

The stuff that really matters?

Like this tragic story.

- ♪

- Last night, at p.m., Clarissa Darling informed

her lawful legal parents of her desire

to seek gainful employment at the Baxter Beach Carnival,

when suddenly, the allegedly fair-minded parents

answered me absolute and total negative.

They said no!

This despite the reasonable and sincere entreaties

of their loving daughter.

The incident was witnessed by a booger-faced creep

who did nothing to help.

Kids were born to ask.

Parents were born to say no.

It's in their job description.

But this time, I'm gonna do the unthinkable.

I'm gonna make them change their minds.

Impossible?

Gee, I hope not.

- ♪

- ♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪

♪ Na na-na na naa

♪ All right, all right

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪

♪ Na-na na-na na naa

♪ Way cool

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪

♪ Na na-na na naa

♪ All right, all right

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪

♪ Na na-na na naa

♪ Way cool

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪

♪ Naa naa na-na-naa

♪

♪ Na-na na-na na naa

♪

♪ Just do it ♪

- They're mean. They're nasty.

They're unfair.

They drive their children crazy.

Parents who say no.

I wanted a job at the annual Baxter Beach Carnival,

and they've said the big N-O.

They say I'm too young for a job.

Hey, I'm almost old enough to drive.

I've had it with this "too young stuff."

This comes after a disastrous week of nos.

Here's some other stuff they've said no to.

- ♪

- Okay, Sport, it's time for bed.

- Oh, come on, Dad.

Can't I watch until the next commercial?

- ♪

- CLARISSA: Then get this.

Just last Tuesday, I was about to break out of this joint

once and for all...

when I was nabbed by the warden again.

- ♪

- What about the other day when Ferg Head and I

were having a little pointed conversation?

- ♪

- You can't even have a simple disagreement in this place.

Let's face it, this Just Say No campaign has got to stop.

- [ladder slams]

- Hi, Sam.

- ♪

- Hey, Sam.

Should I join an Amazon tribe, or just move to another planet?

- I don't know if that's far away enough.

- Hey, what's wrong?

- I can't believe my dad.

- Is he dating Miss Stanley Tools again?

- I wish he was.

- I should check the horoscope.

I think this is a bad month for kids to have parents.

- Dad was up all night.

He's just a big drag. - Bummer.

- Get this.

He was cleaning the house.

- That's weird.

- He was so depressed, he's even missing Mom.

- Wow. What happened?

- The other sportswriter-- dad's best friend--

got promoted above him.

This guy took all the good sports,

and now Dad's gotta cover the goofy stuff.

- Like curling?

- Worse.

Demolition Derbies, croquet, dog shows.

- Hey, I like dog shows.

- But there's nothing worse than when Dad gets depressed.

He's the only parent I've got.

- I guess trouble in the workplace can be a big drag.

Maybe you can make his favorite meal to cheer him up.

- But we had pizza last night.

- Must be something else he likes.

Besides, parents always work out their job things.

That's because they get to have jobs.

- Of course parents have jobs.

What else would they do all day?

- Never mind.

- You know, I think this favorite meal idea's

pretty good.

- Hey, Sam.

I've gotta get downstairs before everybody else.

- Cool. See ya at school.

- Okay, it's time for Operation Yes.

- ♪

- Okay, what do you do when your parents say no?

The way I see it, there's only a few options.

Number one, give up.

I highly advice against this option.

It's only for wienies.

Number two...

whine. - [baby whining]

- Whining can be fun.

It works when you're little,

but it's undignified when you're older.

Besides, I already tried it.

Number three, ignore them.

Ignoring your parents can potentially get you

into even more trouble.

It sounds like a good idea at first,

but remember, sometimes your parents are right.

It can make you look really stupid.

And number four, kiss up.

This is the option I've chosen this morning.

- ♪

- [yawns]

Hey, Sport, what are you doing up so early?

- ♪

- I thought I'd get a head start on the day.

You know about that early bird.

- That may be a clue.

I bet she put worms in the food.

- Here, Ferguson.

This muffin's for you.

- Clarissa, what a wonderful surprise.

- Breakfast is served.

- Mom, what about our lunches?

- Um-- - That's all taken care of,

dear brother.

One extra healthy lunch all wrapped up and ready to go.

One avocado sandwich with alfalfa sprouts

on raw whole brain, one bag of yucca chips,

and a granola bar for dessert.

- Yuck! - Mm.

Let's get going, guys, I gotta get to work.

- Here you go, Dad. Your portfolio.

- Oh, really? Hey.

- Oh, Mom.

Your seashell specimens are laid out on the counter.

I took the liberty of alphabetizing them.

It starts with abalone.

- Clarissa, I have to say, I am very impressed.

- Yeah, Sport, this is a great way to start the day.

- Ooh, by the way, this weekend,

we're gonna be doing some spring cleaning.

So, we'd like you both to give us a hand.

- Oh, no. - Ferguson!

- Gee, Mom, it sounds like fun, and I'd like to help...

if I have the time.

- Really?

- Yeah, I was planning to go by Baxter Beach,

and fill out a little job application.

- Clarissa. - Clarissa, we already

talking about this.

You're too young to be working at a carnival.

- Ah, come on, Dad.

I'm tired of all those old kiddy jobs.

Babysitting, dog-sitting, cat-sitting.

I feel like I've been sitting my whole life.

- A rule's a rule. When you get older, you can get a job.

- Why can't I have one now?

- Clarissa, right now, you're not, um--

not--not mature. - Mature?

How much more mature am I gonna get?

- Gee, Mom, Sis is right.

I believe she's a case of

totally arrested emotional development.

She'll never be more mature than she is now.

- Funny, Maggot Head. - Oh, that's new.

- Mom...

don't you think age is a state of mind?

You know how they say, you're as young as you feel.

- Well, yes.

- You're also as old as you feel.

- Clarissa, the way I feel-- - Mom, haven't you ever

gotten up in the morning and felt really, really old?

- Well, sometimes if the weather is bad.

- That's how I felt this morning.

[groaning]

Boy, these legs just aren't what they used to be.

- Okay, Clarissa, that's enough.

- Okay, Sport, come on, I gotta get to work.

You gotta get to school. - Why can't I have a job?

- Why? I'll tell you why.

Because. That's why!

End of discussion.

- ♪

- Gee.

Now, where do think I went wrong?

- ♪ Naa naa na-na naa

- For an appetizer, should I serve

little wienies in a bun or oven-roasted peanuts?

- Wienies, definitely. What else are you gonna make?

- Okay, you're gonna love this.

I'm making extra juicy sloppy joes on a toasted bun

with homemade French fries

and a chocolate milkshake for a beverage.

- And for dessert?

- This is the part that's gonna k*ll him.

I'm making chocolate banana splits

with strawberry ice cream and sprinkles--his favorite.

I've even got frozen chocolate bananas.

- Sounds great, Sam.

- So what kind of job

are you gonna try to get at the carnival?

- We don't get to choose a job.

They give you on based on your qualifications.

I'm hoping to get the ringmaster's job.

I mean, ring mistress. - Ring mistress?

- Yeah.

Can't you just see it now?

There I'll be center ring.

- MALE ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

your ring mistress-- - CLARISSA: Wearing a nifty

little outfit and captivating the cheering crowds

of the Big Top and holding the lions at bay.

- [lion roars]

- Are you sure they have a ring mistress at Baxter Beach?

- No, but if they do, I want the job.

- So when are you filling out your application?

- That's the only problem.

Mom and Dad won't let me go.

They don't think I'm mature enough.

- Great.

Why would anyone wanna be mature anyway?

- Yeah.

When you mature, your hair turns gray.

- And kids start calling you sir.

- And your butt gets big.

- The next thing you know, you're watching

"The MacNeil/Lehrer Report" every night.

- Maturity is a boring state of mind.

- But I guess if they don't think you're mature,

they won't let you go.

- Hey, that's it!

- What did I say?

- They want me to be mature.

I'll give them mature they'll never forget.

- What are you talking about?

- Sam, it's perfect.

I'll grow up for a day, then they'll have to let me go.

- You'll never pull it off.

Besides, if you start acting mature,

they might expect you to do it all the time.

- It's just for a day.

But, Sam, how do you act,

you know, grownup?

- You can't try to grow up, it just happens to you.

- There has to be some kind of temporary fix.

Isn't that what psychiatrists do?

- My dad and I went to a psychiatrist once.

- Really? - Yeah, it was weird.

We sat on pillows on the floor and talked about ourselves.

- Like a pajama party.

- Yeah, I guess.

He gave my dad a bunch of psychology books.

My dad's got the whole stack at home.

You know, single parent stuff, a book on teen development,

and all this weird stuff on codependency,

whatever that is.

- Sam, I have to have those books.

- Okay, but I'm telling you, watch out.

- Why?

- If you're going to be an adult,

there's a lot of stuff you're going to have to do.

- How bad can it be?

- You're going to have to start flossing.

- Ew. That's horrible.

- Well, I better start cooking my sloppy joes.

- Okay, Sam. Good luck.

- ♪

- Funny, I feel my childhood slipping away.

Yesterday, I was a child.

Today, I'm an adult ready to take on

the responsibilities of tomorrow.

At least long enough for me to convince Mom and Dad

to let me have a job.

- ♪

- Outta my way, Tuna Breath!

- Get lost, Pickle Face!

Now, who says I'm not mature?

- ♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪

♪ Naa naa na-na naa naa naa na-na naa ♪

♪♪

- ♪

- ♪

- Ferguson, what are you doing?

- Bug off!

- [door slams]

- I always knew Ferguson was full of beans.

Now I have proof.

- ♪

- [ladder slams]

- Hi, Sam.

- Hey, I cleaned out

Dad's entire collection of psychology books.

- MOM: Ferguson? Clarissa?

Can't you guys come down here and give us a hand?

- Great books, Sam.

Wow, teen development. Pros and cons?

So, how'd your dad like his sloppy joes?

- He tried.

- You mean it didn't work?

- He hardly touched his food,

- Not even the chocolate banana split?

- I had to eat it all.

He sat in my room all night last night just rapping with me.

- Whoa.

I know this sounds really stupid,

but why not try the direct approach?

Have a man-to-man talk with him.

- I don't know.

- MOM: Clarissa, we're waiting!

- I'll be right down, Mom!

- I guess I might as well try to corner Dad

and get this over with.

- Good luck. - Check ya later.

- ♪

- I've got my blazer.

My glasses.

And my copy of "w*r and Peace."

Gee, I feel a years older already.

- ♪

- I can't believe it!

Wow, this is incredible!

- What is it, Dear?

- Oh, I thought I'd totally lost these forever.

- Wow, Dad, this is truly remarkable.

- Marshall, are those are lost wedding pictures?

- No, even better. Look!

It's my collection of classic Bazooka Joe comics.

- ♪

- [book slams shut]

- ♪

- [burps]

- Ferguson!

- MOM AND DAD: [laughing]

- Gee, family. I'm sorry.

I don't know what came over me.

- Ferguson, you're such a child.

- Clarissa, you look very nice,

but isn't a blazer a tad formal for spring cleaning?

- Not at all, Mother.

I've decided it's time to put aside

those gaudy glad rags of youth.

Yesterday, I was a child.

Today, I'm an adult ready to take on

the responsibilities of tomorrow.

- Oh, really?

Oh, Marshall, did you find that box of book labels?

Ooh.

- Hey! That's mine! - Is not!

- Is! - Is not!

- Is! - Is not!

- Is! - Grow up, Ferguson.

- Is! - Is not.

- Hey, look what I got.

It's Trigger.

It's your old rocking horse, Clarissa.

- Wow, I remember when you used to rock

on old Trigger for hours.

- Do you remember the time I caught you trying to drag

a bale of straw up to your room to feed him?

- [laughs] That's why you look so horsey.

- Well, you wanna keep him

or should I chuck him into the memory pile?

- Throw it away? - Unless you wanna keep him.

- No.

No, it's just a souvenir from long, long ago,

a mere childish plaything.

- I'll take it. - You will?

- Sure.

I'll paint it blue and red,

and hang it on my wall.

I need a new tie rack anyway.

- Fine.

I'm only too glad that my little baby brother

could find a practical use for

the cherished, innocent toys of my childhood.

- That's real generous and mature of you, Sport.

- Thank you, Father.

I feel I've come to a point in my life where I truly must

move forward, forsaking my childhood fancies

with challenges of adulthood.

- That's very admirable, Clarissa.

- In fact, I'm sure you'll agree that fundamental challenge

of adulthood is becoming a dependable worker.

- Worker?

- You know, a person of either gender who works for an employer

in return for monetary compensation.

- Clarissa, we've already talked about this.

You're not old enough.

- But Sunday's the last day of interviews.

- Next year, you can get a job.

And besides, a carnival is not

an appropriate place for you to work.

It's just...too seedy. - Why?

- Why?

Why?

Because why is a crocked letter, that's why.

- [scoffs] What does that mean?

- N-O!

- ♪

- In fact, I seriously doubt whether either one of you

should go to the Baxter Beach Carnival.

- But, Mom! - Okay, kids, don't push it.

Listen to your mother.

- Way to go, Miss Maturity!

- ♪

- [ladder slams] - SAM: Hey, Clarissa!

- Hi, Sam.

How'd things go with your dad?

- Things went great.

He's covering a woman's basketball tournament tonight,

and I'm going with him.

He's psyched! - That's good.

- Yeah, he's glad I said something to him.

He didn't realize how mopey he was.

Hey, Clarissa. - Yeah?

- What are you doing? - Nothing.

- Are you feeling okay?

- I've never felt so old and so young at the same time.

- The maturity plan didn't work?

- Not even close!

This growing up thing is a lot harder than I thought.

- Hey, I wouldn't worry.

- Things couldn't be worse.

- You know, I bet it won't be long until you and I

look back on our lives and say, "Where's all the time gone?"

- Sam, what do you mean?

- Imagine, there we'll be, years from now...

- [ladder slams]

- CLARISSA: Hi, Sam.

- ♪

- Hello.

- ♪

- Whoa! - Sam, be careful!

You know you got a bad back.

- Oh, my sacroiliac.

- Sam, are you okay?

- [coughing]

- ♪

- Hey, Slug Head!

Get lost, you old Clug Head!

- [chewing loudly]

Fuzz Brain.

- ♪

- Cheese Breath.

- Wart Head.

- Drool Face.

- Uh.

- ♪

- I guess you're right, Sam.

There's no use in being in a hurry to grow up.

- You're too young to be old, anyway.

- I just want this job!

- If I were you and I wanted to change my dad's mind,

I'd use the standard method.

- What do you mean?

- Go with your strength.

The simplest thing to do is drive them crazy.

- You're right, Sam.

Why didn't I think of that?

I could drive them crazy.

They'll say yes in no time.

Sam, you're a genius.

- As always.

- Driving your parents nuts.

It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it.

- [organ music plays]

- How do you like the new me?

Elvira, move over.

This will get them to see my side of the story.

Okay, Elvis, wish me luck.

- [organ music plays]

- [knocking at door]

- [organ music plays]

- Who are you? The Grim Reaper?

- No, it's just me, your loving older sister.

- I'm not talking to you.

You've done enough damage already.

- But I need your help.

- Why should I help you?

You've already ruined my chances at winning the prize.

- What prize?

- What do you think all these beans are for?

- A year supply of sprouts?

- No, they're for the guess the beans in a jar

contest at Baxter Beach Carnival.

- You're counting the wrong beans, Bub.

You've gotta guess the beans in the jar at Baxter Beach.

- Don't you think I know that?

See, they're using black beans in the contest,

which are hard to see, and therefore count.

So, I've calculated the number of beans in various size jars

to aid me in making my guess.

- In other words, you're cheating.

- Merely reducing the odds.

There was a year's worth of video game cartridges as a prize

hanging in the balance.

- What if I told you I had a plan that would get

Mom and Dad to let us both go to the carnival?

- You flipped. - Alright, forget it.

- Okay.

I'll try anything. What's the plan?

- This is all you have to do.

- Go downstairs and tell Mom and Dad--

- ♪

- [sighs]

- ♪

- Is that the last box from the basement?

- Yeah, and look what I found.

My old Magic -Ball.

- Oh no, not again.

You used to drive me nuts with that thing.

- Magic -Ball,

will we ever finish cleaning out the basement?

- What does it say?

- Yes...in time.

- That's what it always says. - [laughs]

- Mom, Dad, have you seen Clarissa lately?

- No, Ferguson, why?

- Well, I saw her earlier this morning, and I got worried.

- Worried? Why did you get worried?

- She was acting really weird.

- Weird? - What do you mean?

- Well, she was looking really pale.

She was rocking back and forth mumbling to herself,

and singing a dirge.

- Marshall, you don't think I was too hard on her?

- No, Honey, you did what you had to do.

Ferguson, get the rest of the boxes in the garage, will ya?

- [organ music plays]

- Clarissa, Sweetheart, are you okay?

- O-K.

- ♪

- O-K.

- ♪

- What could those letters mean?

- ♪

- Two letters chosen at random...

from an alphabet of .

OK, Mom.

I'm fine.

- [organ music plays]

- Clarissa?

What are you doing? - Nothing.

My life is nothing.

- ♪

- Clarissa, why don't you sit down over here,

and I'll get you something nice to eat, huh?

- Never more.

- ♪

- What did you say?

- In the words of Edgar Allen Poe,

"Never more."

- ♪

- What does this mean, "Never more"?

- Uh, you know, never more.

Never more have I been so...forlorn.

- ♪

- Clarissa, are you sure you're alright?

- Don't mind me.

I'll just sit here and rock and moan

and reflect on my melancholia.

- MOM AND DAD: Ooh!

- Melancholia.

Melancholia.

Isn't that what the Silverstein's niece had?

- I think so.

I think they sent her to a convent in Canada.

- That's right.

And they shaved her head.

And they made her take a vow never to talk.

- You know, I don't think we should send Clarissa

to a convent. - No?

- I think the Home for the Hopelessly Unhinged

in Seattle would be better.

- You don't mean the place where they wrapped you up

in cold sheets, do you?

- Uh, I don't think there's anything you can do.

- No?

- I'll just continue living in my own

bleak, gloomy, shrinking universe.

Don't go to any trouble for me.

- Are you sure that there's no cure?

- No.

I believe it's terminal.

Maybe some cheerful music might help lighten my suffering.

Maybe some bright lights, some cotton candy.

- Maybe a few caramel-coated peanuts might help?

Or a few rolly-gig rides?

- Perhaps a chat with the bearded lady

might be in uplifting spirit.

- ♪

- Okay, you guys.

If it means that much, Clarissa,

you can apply for a job at Baxter Beach.

- What about me? - You can go too.

But we're gonna go with you.

- BOTH: Yeah!

Ick!

- [carnival music plays]

- Now that was great.

- Boy, carnivals sure have changed since I was a kid.

- That was the nicest bearded lady I have ever met.

- ♪

- Ferguson, aren't you thrilled you came in second place?

- ♪

- I can't believe that kid guessed exactly

the right number of beans.

- But you were only off by five beans.

- Maybe he had a hidden infrared bean counter.

Or maybe he saw them deliver the beans.

Uh! Why didn't I think of that?

- ♪

- Clarissa, I gotta tell ya.

I was very impressed.

- Why did I have to get assigned

to Kiddie Corner Carnival Daycare?

- And they put you in charge of the whole thing.

- Thank goodness it's only a week.

- Clarissa, I have to say that the way you handle yourself

shows you're very mature.

- Yeah, Sport, I gotta give you a hand.

- [laughs]

- [sheep baas]

- Mom? - MOM: Yes?

- Does this mean I'm old enough to retire?

- ♪

- ♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪

♪ Na na-na na naa

♪

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪

♪ Na-na na-na na naa

♪

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪

♪ Naa naa na-na naa

♪

♪ Na na-na na naa naa naa na-na naa ♪♪

- [thunder rumbles]