01x10 - Clarissa Makes A Cake

[bunniefuu]

The first thing I do when I get home from school

Is head for the fridge.

I stand here for at least seconds

Until I figure out what I want.

Hey, there's only a couple drops left.

Then I sit down at the table and read my favorite magazine...

Until the phone rings.

[Ring]

Hi, jody.

Yeah. Can I call you back? O.k.

In a second.

Oba-kaybee.

Abyssinia. Bye.

So long.

Bye.

This is my after-school ritual.

The famous anthropologist margaret mead

Said that a ritual is a sacred ceremonial event,

Like sharpening pencils before a test

Or blowing on dice before you roll them.

My parents are about to observe

Their most important annual ritual--their anniversary.

I've got to give them a ritual present.

Here's some things I've gotten them before.

I used to give dad a cool tie

And mom a new apron.

One year, I gave them

A much-appreciated gift certificate.

How's a girl supposed to keep her promise

With that monster running wild?

This year, I'll do something totally original and homemade.

I'm going to make a cake.

If only I knew how to bake one.

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Just do it ♪

That's a greeting ritual in haiti.

It's how they say, "what's happening, dude?"

In the darling family tribe,

We've got our own rituals.

There's the stalling ritual,

Used to postpone going to sleep.

Good night, son.

Dad, how could a benevolent god exist

If there's so much suffering?

There are a couple ways of looking at this.

I suppose one is the more ancient way...

Then there's the appreciation ritual,

Used when you get stuff you don't want.

Aunt dorney,

This is the most beautiful bathing cap ever.

There are rites of passage, like elvis' second birthday.

Party while you're young.

Rituals are like ramps

From one freeway of life to another.

Yo, sam! That's my friendship greeting ritual.

Hiya. I got those cookbooks you wanted.

Microwave magic for two,

, Things you can do with grilled cheese.

Do either of these

Have recipes for anniversaries?

Try the birthday melt.

It's grilled cheese and sprinkles--

My dad loved it.

It's not what I'm looking for.

Have you ever actually made a cake?

No, but I've peeled the squiggle off hostess cupcakes.

Do you know how to cook?

Hey...

Even betty crocker had to start somewhere.

Sam, what will I do?

You could buy one.

I can't buy a cake.

I have to make it myself from scratch.

I remember dad saying

That grandma was a good cook.

I'll look for her recipes.

That would be great.

[Mrs. Darling] clarissa! Dinner!

O.k., See you.

I believe I hear the tribal dinner yell.

Clarissa!

This calls for the traditional ritual response.

I'll be right down!

These are the most succulent tofu fritters ever!

Why, thank you, ferguson.

What will you do for your anniversary?

It's been so busy lately,

I wouldn't mind staying at home.

We should do something special.

Like what, dear?

I don't know.

Oh, there's a creep show marathon

At the multiplex .

We could go see godzillas in the mist,

I was a bloody teen-age stump, andsplatter zone

All in the same night.

[Ferguson] take me!

I wouldn't mind watching something on the vcr.

Movies are never as good without the big screen.

We interrupt this fascinating family discussion

To bring you a special

Anniversary ritual report.

Earlier this week, the matriarch--

That's my mom--

Took out all the old ceremonial wedding relics

And polished them with the patriarch--that's my dad.

The wicked wild-child

Was spotted hauling family photographs

To his evil den.

Must be some kind of bizarre hoarding ritual.

Me, I'm asking the ritual question

About the family ritual.

So, what are doing for your anniversary?

We'll stay in.we'll go out.

In ancient rome,

Wedding cake wasn't eaten but thrown at the bride.

Those romans were kooky.

Hey, slow down, dog breath.

Out of my way, blister head.

Tell me what you're up to.

I'm making a gift because I care.

My gift will be so much better than yours

That you'll be humiliated!

You'll have to swallow poison and die! Ha!

Sometimes ferguson's so supportive,

I get a lump in my throat.

Remember, janet,

We went on that moonlight sailing cruise?

Wow, the stars, the sea,

That romantic candlelight dinner...

Look. Look!

Here's that picture.

Oh, we look so happy!

You look really happy.

That must have been

Just before we got seasick.

It was neat watching the waves.

Until our dinner was swept away

And the cabin flooded.

Janet, you exaggerate.

It was fun. We were together.

This book is like a hall of fame

Of anniversaries gone wrong.

You've got to see this.

In ', mom and dad

Had an anniversary picnic by lake baxter.

Talk about a tree falling in the woods.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

In ', dad and mom relived their honeymoon

On a tropical island

Which became a tropical disaster

When it was hit by hurricane helga.

Nothing competes with the disaster of

When dad took mom to california

Where they feasted on fine food and wine.

As luck would have it, there was an earthquake.

What is that?

What's going on?

That'slifestyles of the doomed and unlucky.

You've got a sensitive stomach.

You shouldn't have ordered spicy on our anniversary.

I had to eat dry toast for a week.

It wasn't spicy.

It was food poisoning.

Dad, maybe you guys need a controlled environment.

There's no such thing.

Anything can happen anywhere.

You have to live for now.

I agree, and I want to enjoy our anniversary.

It should be special.

Every time--

Things don't always go as planned.

You've got to know what you want and do it.

Tell me what you want.

I'll arrange it. Just say the word.

I'd like to spend

A nice, quiet evening at home.

At home?

Uh-huh.

Oh. O.k.

Well, you really want to stay at home.

Can't believe we're not going out.

Uh, dad, if I say the word "jaguar,"

Could I get a convertible jag

With power steering and a cd player?

I didn't think so.

O.k. Cups of flour,

Eight sticks of butter...

Eight sticks sounds like a lot.

It will probably just be really buttery.

Besides, grandma was a professional cook.

If anybody would know, it would be her.

Sport, can I come in?

Yeah. Just a second.

Uh-oh.

Hi, dad.

I have to ask a favor. Nice hat, sam.

Uh...sure, dad. What kind of favor?

I'm going to take your mom

To a wonderful german restaurant.

I need you to occupy her

While I make arrangements.

Where are you going?

The restaurant where we decided to get married.

What was it like?

Ah, it was great.

When heinrich, the owner,

Told everybody we were getting married,

They started smashing their glasses

Up against the wall.

How romantic.

Yeah. I want to see your mom's face

When they play the lovebird polka.

Didn't mom say she wanted to stay home?

Your mom might have said that,

But when you've been married awhile,

You read between the lines.

She'd love a surprise.

After all, she married me, didn't she?

Dad, what do you want me to do?

I want you to cover for me

If I get a call.

Don't let your mother answer the phone.

O.k., Dad.

Well, I guess your father knows best.

Yeah, but does he know what he's doing?

Wool, copper, and a desk set.

Oh. What about the th?

Tin, aluminum, and fashion jewelry.

Ooh!

Observe the modern ritual of quality time--

When your family does stuff without getting into a fight.

O.k., I think it's time for a ritual evening update.

Dad's designing a dentist's office.

Mom's sorting bark for a new exhibit,

"Trees are your friends."

Crudcake's telling them stuff

He learned off a hallmark calendar.

The traditional sixth anniversary gift

Is candy and iron.

The modern gift is wood.

[Telephone rings]

Hello. Darling residence.

Ferguson darling speaking.

Oh, it's for you...

Dad.

Oh.

Thanks, ferguson.

Hello?

Oh, uh...uh...

Hi, jack.

Right, :.

Yeah, that would be great.

Oh, and, jack, uh...

Can you put it on ice?

O.k. Bye, jack.

Good-bye, jack.

Who was that, dear?

Jack. Wanted to know

When the model would be ready.

Uh...why did you say "put it on ice"?

I said, "put it on ice"?

I heard you say, "put it on ice."

Oh, of course. It's architect slang.

It means, "that's for sure."

It's so sure, you can put it on ice.

I'm saying that all the time. Right, sport?

Put it on ice, dad.

I need glue from the basement.

Anybody calls, sport, I'll talk to them later.

Oba-kaybee.

Hey, ferg-weed, that's mine!

Not any more!

[Telephone rings]

Want to get that?

Give it to me!

[Telephone]

O.k., I'll answer it.

Hello?

Yes?

The lovebird polka?

What is this about?

Uh-huh, I see.

What name is the reservation under?

Uh-huh.

No, that won't be necessary.

Thank you.

Marshall darling,

Is there something you want to tell me?

I don't think so.

That was heinrich from the bratskeller.

He asked what song I wanted

At my anniversary dinner.

Marshall, I don't want to go to the bratskeller.

We decided to get married there.

I thought you liked it.

I liked being with you,

But I've never been fond of german food.

I'd like a quiet evening here.

How about a quiet evening someplace else?

It never ends up being quiet.

Fine. Let's forget it.

Fine.

Yikes.

What kind of ritual is it

When you make a cake for a ritual that never happens?

I think mom and dad argue

Because they're so different.

What they argue about

Is the way they're different.

I wonder how they got together.

Maybe it was cooler.

[Snap]

Whatever it was, I hope it comes back

Before I finish this.

Hi, sam.

Once the batter sets, we should add marshmallows.

Is it in the recipe?

No, but I think it's a good idea.

You're sure you want to make this cake?

Your parents are at w*r.

If they never got married,

I wouldn't be here.

They should have a nice anniversary.

I think we need more marshmallows.

What do you think?

Definitely.

Well, mom, today's your anniversary.

Dear, I don't think

I ever want to hear that word again.

Hi, dad.

Hey, sport.

In some cultures, it's customary

To rub dirt on your teeth.

I didn't know that.

It's a native american ritual.

Clarissa, please ask your mother

If she's through with the toothpaste.

Dad's wondering if he can use the toothpaste.

Regular or mint?

Dad, do you want regular toothpaste?

We also have a tasty mint.

Sport, I'm open-minded. I'll take either.

I don't mind surprises!

Dad says either one is fine.

I think he likes mint.

Tell your father that some people enjoy predictability.

If he resents my habits,

He shouldn't have married me.

Mom says--

If she wanted to be in a rut,

She shouldn't have married me.

Dad says--

I heard him.

Could I ask something?

Yes, dear.

Howdidyou get married?

He asked me.she asked me.

I did not! I said I might not say no!

It's the same thing.

It is not! You bought me dinner, flowers,

And the most beautiful ring!

Did he put it on your finger?

No. He dropped it in the sauerkraut.

The sauerkraut?

It slipped. I was excited.

So was i.

I'm sorry, honey.

I'm sorry, too.

What happened to the ring?

I almost ate it.

It's good your mother

Knows the heimlich maneuver.

So is the anniversary back on?

Yep. We'll have a quiet evening at home.

Isn't it wonderful how oral hygiene

Brings people back together?

You guys don't mind cleaning up?

Not at all. You have your bark samples?

Yes. Thank you, dear.

Bye.

See you.

Adios.

Be good.

Happy anniversary.

Uh-huh.

Was that the longest good-bye ritual in history or what?

O.k. It's cake time.

Yes, the years certainly do fly, mrs. Spackle.

Um, I know it's short notice,

But it would mean so much to her.

Great. Bye.

Hey, dad.

Hey, sport. Wrong number.

I hate when that happens.

Yeah. Got to go.

See you.

Bye.

So long.

Be good, sport.

Bye.

What are you doing, fish face?

Making mom and dad the best present ever.

Are you wrapping the package or choking it?

I don't need advice.

I'll go wrap my present in peace.

Come on, sam.

It's about time!

Oh, marshall!

It's mom!

Hi! I forgot the keys

To my locker at the museum.

I hate when that happens.

I think dad has an extra set.

Got them?

Yep! Bye. See you.

So long.

Be good.

Happy anniversary.

Uh-huh.

I never realized baking a cake

Would be this nerve-racking!

This looks like a lot.

It must shrink when you bake it.

We have enough frosting to fill a swimming pool.

Hi, dad.

Hey, sport. I'm going out.

If anybody comes by,

Tell them I'll be right back.

Are you expecting someone?

Oh...could be.

Oba-kaybee.

Bye.

See you.

Be good, sport.

Happy anniversary.

That was close.

It takes your family

A long time to say good-bye.

Greetings and salutations, idiot sewer heads.

Scram, fish face.

I have kitchen privileges, too.

Not today, you don't.

You're jealous. My gift is superior.

All you've got is cake slop.

Hey, it's not cake slop.

It's my grandma's recipe.

Cake slop! Cake slop! Cake slop!

The cake will fall if you don't shut up.

Bet you can't make me.

Just try it!

[Sam] hey, you guys! Help!

It's alive!

Is that a cake?

It's an alien! I can't stop it!

What will we do?

I've got a way!

Don't k*ll my cake!

Do you need a license

To practice surgery on a cake?

With only hours left before the big event,

It's time for an anniversary update.

Dad's been doing a bad imitation of a cat burglar.

He's been carrying around

Unidentified surprise party materials in a bag.

I finally found out ferg's "amazing" anniversary gift.

It's a monument of self-love.

Who could forget the family on mount magoo?

What about that unforgettable moment,

Visitor's day at camp can do?

Me? I spent two hours in cake surgery,

And the patient survived...

Barely.

Wait till janet sees this.

Are you sure she's going to like this?

Every year your mother

Says she doesn't want a surprise,

But she always enjoys it.

She's going to flip

When everybody shouts "surprise!"

Dad, who's everybody?

They'll be here. Keep ladling, ferg.

Well, here she comes!

What? Everybody hide.

Quick!

Oh, no.

Surprise! Surprise!

Marshall, you promised.

What is all this stuff?

Relax, relax.

Just let the anniversary spirit overtake you.

Are you expecting people?

Just a couple of your closest friends.

Oh, marshall.

[Doorbell rings]

I wonder who that is?

Telegram for mr. Darling.

Oh, thanks.

It's from the fluters.

Molly fluters from milwaukee?

I haven't seen her in years!

Sorry, janet. They couldn't make it.

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

Yes, mrs. Spackle. We sure are.

Mrs. Spackle, my third grade art teacher?

She was my favorite teacher.

I'd love to see her!

Yes, it was short notice.

Yes, I should have known better.

[Doorbell rings]

Hello. Who are you?

Leonard.

I'm the hatchers' next-door neighbor.

Dooley hatcher, my old boss at the museum?

Well, where are the hatchers?

They can't come. Death in the family.

Oh. Sorry to hear that.

Wow! A party!

Yeah. Here. Have a party hat.

Wow! Punch!

I love punch!

Looks like this party isn't happening.

Marshall...

What did I expect?

Oh, marshall, dear--

I know. You're right.

I had this toast planned.

I was going to say,

"It's so much fun being married to you,

"And I like just being with you

No matter what we do."

I've ruined another anniversary.

You didn't.

I made too big a deal out of it.

I couldn't be happier.

What do you mean?

Well, after years,

I'm finally getting what I want.

A nice, quiet anniversary at home.

This moment calls

For the important ritual food offering.

Hit it, sam!

Happy anniversary!happy anniversary!

Oh, it's so...

Beautiful!

It's so...so...

Big!

Mom? Dad? Do you want to look

At your present some more?

There are family photos

You haven't seen yet.

Oh, look, marshall! Camp can do!

You should celebrate the important moments in your lives.

That's nice, ferguson, but...

Were we there?

Remember dropping me off?

That's you in the car.

As another anniversary ritual

Comes to an end,

The never-ending ritual

Of ferguson's love for ferguson continues.

I never realized how photogenic I am.

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na