01x04 - Haunted House

[bunniefuu]

- Listen, you can't run.

You can't hide.

Your parents won't let you destroy it.

Your only chance?

Get ready for Aunt Mafalda!

Okay, there are two kinds of monsters:

ones in movies that people think are scary that aren't,

like Frankenstein.

Frankenstein is afraid of sparklers

and likes little kids.

Kind of reminds me of Mom.

I don't call that scary.

Then there's the mummy.

Who's afraid of a guy covered in Band-Aids?

Band-Aids are only gross when you take them off.

Some of my friends are afraid of zombies.

I put zombies in the un-scary category of crank monsters.

My dad's the same way when he doesn't get any sleep.

That's cranky, not scary.

I'll tell you what's scary: giant, ugly, sweaty, sticky,

touchy-feely monsters who cr*ck your ribs,

slobber all over your face with poisonous slime,

crush everything you own,

and embarrass you until you cringe and die.

That's right, the dreaded, disgusting Aunt Mafalda!

But this time, I'm ready.

[spooky music]

I've got my garlic necklace

and my wooden cross.

Too bad they don't sell silver b*ll*ts to minors.

[knock at door]

- Clarissa, your aunt Mafalda's on her way.

Ah, Clarissa, what are you wearing?

- Uh, it's the latest fashion, Mom?

- Oh, well, um, why don't you change into a nice blouse,

comb your hair, and come downstairs, hm?

- Ugh.

Now I know how the city of Tokyo feels

just before Godzilla shows up.

[upbeat music]

♪ Na, na, nana, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Nana, na, na, na, na

♪ Hey, cool

♪ Na, na, nana, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Nana, na, na, na, na

♪ Hey, cool

♪ Na, na, nana, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Nana, na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it

- Mm... - Mm, no.

Uh...where it was before.

- Aw, Janet, that's too obvious.

Try it over here at the end of the sofa here.

- Huh.

Maybe we should put it back in the closet

where we had it before. It looked great there.

- My oldest sister's always been sentimental about objects.

That vase was a wedding present to Mafalda and Owen,

and when Owen d*ed, Mafalda wanted us to have it.

- Maybe she just wants to visit the vase!

We could send it to her and save her a long trip.

- Clarissa, she's coming all the way down from Canada

to be with us.

She needs our love and our support.

- She needs to suck the lifeblood from our veins.

- Sport, promise you'll be nice.

- I promise.

- Better.

Now, um, try the vase on the table.

both: Mm.

[beeping] - This is an emergency alert.

The Defense Department

reports a hideous creature approaching the city.

Here is an artist's rendering.

With powerful, vice-like pincers,

the creature is considered extremely dangerous.

Little children, beware.

This monster's giant suction pads can glom into your face

and suck the lifeblood out of your body in seconds!

[laughter]

- Sport, look who's here!

- Guess who?!

- [screaming] Aunt Mafalda!

- Oh, I'm so happy to be here!

Sweet pea, you're always so happy to see me!

Oh, my little sweetheart, what are you doing with my vase?

- Oh, well, I'm just giving the pottery its daily hug.

- [laughs]

How's about you giving me a little hug, eh?

Come let your aunt Mafalda give you a big, uh,

snuggly-wuggly bear hug from the great white north.

Oh my, that vase.

I look at it, and I hear Owen's voice all over again.

- Oh, Mafalda. He must've really loved it.

- You should've heard him.

"What kind of wedding present is that, eh?"

[laughter]

- Well, Clarissa's very fond of it.

- Oh, my little Clarissa.

I remember your seventh birthday,

when you put your cute little face in the sour cream dip

and almost drowned.

Why, I had to give you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation

right on the spot. How we laughed!

[laughter]

Now give your aunt a big old wet kiss!

[frightening music]

- Uh, Aunt Mafalda, how would you like

a nice, fresh pot of tea?

- What, no beer?

[laughter]

I'm just pulling your chain, Marty, my boy.

I'd love some tea. Lead the way.

And where's that smart little carrot top, Fergus?

- Marty?

She calls my dad Marty?

Yuck!

[upbeat music]

♪

Sam, I wouldn't stick around if I were you.

♪

- Where's all your stuff?

- Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?

- Albert Einstein's. - He had one too.

Mine says when the relatives are in town,

place large, heavy density items in front of the door,

install barbed wire,

and mine the bathroom with low-impact expl*sives

and stay out of sight.

- Hey, what channel is this?

- Mafalda Vision.

It's a surveillance monitor.

- Hey, somebody's pinching your dad.

- Pretty scary, huh? It's my monster aunt, Mafalda.

- Mafalda?

- I think it's Eskimo for claws of death.

She's from Canada.

- Ooh, Ferg Face likes her!

- It preys on the young and the unsuspecting.

- I don't see why you're freaking out.

She just looks like

your typical overaffectionate relative.

- Go ahead, don't believe me.

Nobody ever believes the hero until it's too late

and all the bodies are lying in primordial ooze,

drained of all life.

- What are you talking about? - Look at "Alien."

Sigourney Weaver tried to warn them.

- So you think your aunt's gonna burst out of your stomach

and eat you? - Be sarcastic.

But remember, the sarcastic guy's usually the first one

to get his head bitten off and lie in a pool of putrid plasma.

- Next you'll be telling me Elvis is possessed.

You're hyper. Look at her!

[frightening music]

- She's gone! She must've eaten them!

- Don't you think you're getting a little carried away?

[beeping]

- Oh, no.

She could be anywhere.

I can't find her!

How could she move that quickly?

This must be a mistake.

[beeping gets faster]

The signal's coming from this room.

It's right on top of us!

- I caught ya, my little garbanzo bean!

Oh, watching television instead of doing your homework, eh?

- No way, Aunt Mafalda.

Um, we're just studying contagious diseases:

malaria, bubonic plague, leprosy, eczema.

We're seeing how fast it can spread.

It's for biology.

- Eczema?

- Yeah, we're testing it on live poisonous tarantulas

and deadly scorpions. You might want to leave.

- [chuckles] You're such a funny little girl,

scared of so many little things.

Why, I remember when you were a baby

and you were so scared of a spider

and I didn't know where your mother

kept the fresh diapers, so--

- Um, Clarissa, I have to go now.

- Where's the fire, shortcake?

We haven't even been introduced.

- Hi, my name's Sam. Bye.

- Hi, I'm Aunt Mafalda, but, uh, you can call me Posey.

That's what they call me at the Ladies' Moose Club in Ottawa.

- Well, nice to meet you, Aunt Posey,

but I think I hear my dad calling me.

- Oh, now, give me a hug! Mmm!

- No, no, he has sensitive skin!

- What a good little hugger you are!

- Thanks!

- So... [clears throat]

Is, uh, this your little boyfriend?

- No! Aunt Mafalda, we're just buds.

Sam's just--

- Look at his funny hair!

What a little ladykiller.

- Ow! - [laughs]

Um, well, I'll, uh--I'll let you get back to your studies.

[laughs]

Oh, will you look at that!

Doesn't your mom take care of these?

- No, Aunt Mafalda! - Oh, now, don't worry!

I'll have these silly old holes stitched up in no time.

See you lovebugs later!

- My favorite jeans!

- You're right. Something has to be done.

[eerie music]

♪

- Finally, the beast rests.

Hmm, I wonder what else is on.

Oh, boy, "Gorgon" is on "Spine-Tingly Theater."

Wow, giant lizards!

In the old black-and-white movies, when monsters inv*de,

people don't give in.

They lure the mutants into a football stadium

and blast away at their secret weak spot.

If only I could find Aunt Mafalda's weak spot.

[pottery shatters] - [screams]

- Oh, no! The monster has struck again!

[dramatic musical flourish]

- [sighs] Wrong monster.

- I don't know what happened!

- Let's see you squirm out of this one.

- Ferguson! - Mom, it wasn't my fault!

- Ferguson, were you staying up late

to watch "Spine-Tingly Theater" again?

- No, honest! I was--

- Oh, poor Mafalda! She'll be crushed!

- Did you hear that crash?

[gasps] Oh, my vase!

My beautiful vase!

- Oh, Mafalda, we're sorry.

- Ferguson's really sorry.

- But--but I--I didn't do it! - We're waiting!

- Well, you may find this hard to believe...

- Go ahead. We're listening.

- It--it was a ghost.

- A ghost? - Just one?

- Oh, my, a ghost.

- Now, Ferguson-- - Mom, honest!

I am virtually certain that what has just happened here

is a result of unusual paranormal activity.

- Yeah, we should check the kitchen,

see if the spoons are bent.

- I saw that show.

- "Amazing Discoveries"?

- To think that we've been visited

by a protoplasmic entity.

- Okay, Ferguson, no more horror movies for you.

- Tell me, Fergus, dear, what did the ghost look like?

- Yeah, did it have a name tag that said "Call me Casper"?

- At first, it was a shadowy vapor.

Then it slowly lunged toward me and reached out a kind of hand.

Without warning, it tried to pull me into another dimension.

So I ran. I was so scared.

That's when I hit the vase!

- I think this is a bad omen.

- No, Aunt Mafalda, it's a bad excuse.

- No, but I saw it! Doesn't anyone believe me?

- Fergus, I believe you.

- You do? - She does?

- Now, Mafalda-- - Don't encourage the boy.

- In Canada we have a wise old saying:

anything is possible, eh?

- I've heard that too, Mafalda.

But I don't think that's what's going on here.

- I think Ferguson may be right.

- What?

- I know Ferguson makes up a lot of tall tales,

but when I came down the stairs...

- Hmm.

- I saw these colored lights hovering.

Sure, they could've been the headlights from a passing car.

Or was it a supernatural messenger from beyond?

Who can say?

- Yeah!

Who can say? - There you go!

There must be a presence in the house.

- All right, that's enough. Come on, everybody back to bed.

In the morning, we'll see

if we can talk about the truth for a change.

- But I-- - Whatever it was is gone now.

Go back to sleep. Dad and I will clean this up.

- Good night, everybody. both: Good night.

- Oh, this is a bad omen.

I can feel it.

Can you feel it, Owen?Can you?

- [sighs] Honey, can you get the dustpan?

- Could it be the occult is Mafalda's secret weakness?

And I don't even need a football stadium!

Hang on to your garlic necklace.

This could get really scary.

♪

[eerie music]

♪

- Hey, stop that!

- Does this look like

a supernatural slime trailto you?

- Get out of my room

or I'll tell Mom how you're trying to scare Aunt Mafalda.

- Yeah, and then I'll tell her a little ghost story I know.

You know, the one about the boy who lied when he broke

a valuable antique and was severely punished?

- You said you saw it too!

- I was just protecting my baby brother.

Now I realize that tough love is the only answer.

- You're bluffing.

- Mom! - Okay, come on, sis!

What do you want me to do, slime her room

and drive a wooden stake through her luggage?

- Gee, and I was only going to mysteriously

rearrange her belongings.

- Well, you're working with a pro now.

Let's see.

We could, uh, drill a hole in her ceiling

and slowly drip milk of magnesia down her wall.

Hmm.

Then we can make worm trails on her sheets with spaghetti.

I know: let's make bloody handprints

made of ketchup on her walls.

- Hey, let's not get carried away.

- Wait, here's a great idea:

Take cauliflower, paint it gray,

put it in a jar marked "Uncle...Owen's...Brain."

I've got the jar.

- I should've known better than to join forces with the devil.

[upbeat music]

♪

- [whispers] Psst, hey!

- Oh, hang on, I'll see if it's safe.

Oh, it's okay.

She's downstairs arguing with Judge Wapner.

- What is she doing?

- Oh, she's just riding the emotional roller coaster

of "People's Court."

- Up in Canada, I bet she lives alone

in the frozen wasteland.

- Until something disturbs her, like in..."The Thing."

- Yeah, she lies dormant in a glacier

until her hunger for human flesh

melts the ice and beckons her southward.

What are you working on?

- It's an interactive simulation showing

all the cool, terrifying things that haunt my house.

- Your house isn't haunted. - It is now.

Take a look.

[thunder rumbles] [bat screeching]

Okay, when you see Mafalda,

use the joystick to spook her out of here.

- Here she comes now.

- The devil's dust bunnies.

- Hope she doesn't try to pinch their cheeks!

- Beware of the ghosts in the hamper.

- Whoa, dig that evil serpent!

- Watch out, it's a poultry-geist!

- That was cool. I'm gonna do it again.

- Okay, but if you get scared, just keep telling yourself,

"It's only a video game. It's only a video game."

- [screams]

[organ music] [squeaking]

- Any ketchup, Mafalda?

- Why, I'd love some, Jannie.

- I emptied three bottles of the stuff

on the walls of her room.

- Boy, she's tough.

- I bet if she moved into the house in Amityville,

the ghosts would've asked to leave.

- Wait a second, I've got a great idea.

Say, Ferguson, did you hear that strange voice last night?

- Huh? - The strange voice, remember?

Last night, around the witching hour?

- What voice? - Oh, yeah.

It sounded like an old, old man.

- He kept saying, "Get out! Get out!"

- Okay, kids. - Enough, Clarissa.

That was probablyMr. Hull

who was yelling at the Soperstein cat

to get out of the roses again.

- And what about that strange rattling noise?

- Right, rattle, rattle, rattle.

That's how it went, right?

- Rattle, rattle, rattle?

- Okay, save it for Halloween, you two.

- Wait, I think I know who it is!

- Mafalda!

- It's Owen trying to contact me!

Owen's dentures always rattled when he talked.

- Now, that's silly-- - Oh, Marty, come on, now!

It's wonderful!

Owen is trying to reach all of us.

- Yeah, sure.

Hey, you know, we could trade in the TV for a crystal ball,

and then we could contact our ancestors.

[laughs]

- [gasps] A séance!

What a great idea.

- I was kidding.

- It'll be like "Donohue of the Dead."

Clarissa, you can conduct it. - Me?

- Owen has chosen you and Ferguson as his messengers.

I read that children are the gateway

between this world and beyond. - Oh, no, no, wait a minute--

- Or Maybe I saw that on "Jake and the Fatman."

- Mafalda, we can't have a séance!

- Oh, come on, sis! Lighten up, live a little!

- Mafalda, where are you going?

- After all this time, I'm not gonna go about

meeting my late husband dressed like a bag lady, eh?

See you around the kitchen table at :

for the best family reunion ever!

[spooky music]

♪

- Are you sure you can depend on your brother?

- Don't worry, he's in this as deep as I am.

Is everything ready downstairs?

- I've been practicing my levitation exercises all day.

Don't worry!

- Okay, Clarissa, let's make sure

that everything is totally clear.

No funny business. - Aw, come on, Dad.

After all, it was your idea. - Don't start.

- Clarissa, now listen to your father.

You can go through with the séance,

but don't get carried away, mm?

- Hmm.

Oh, and keep it short.

- Okay, it's show time.

At least this way, I get to wear my funky swami outfit.

[clears throat]

["The Streets of Cairo" playing]

♪

Please be seated.

May we dim the lights?

[spooky music]

- Pretty exciting, eh?

- Mm, very professional, right, Marshall?

- Oh, yeah.

- Dad, I don't think it's proper to eat peanuts

while communicating with the dead.

- Um, sorry about that.

[eerie music]

- Oh, great spirits, oh, unseen powers of the universe,

hearken unto me, your humble servant,

and make known your presence to these simple mortals.

Pretty cool, huh?

It's from "Revenge of the Zombie Biker: Part Three."

- Can we talk to Einstein first? Or Walt Disney?

- Shh! You made me lose my place.

Where was I?

Did I say I was their humble servant?

- Uh-huh. - Yeah, yeah.

- And so I summon you, oh, spirits,

to show us your presence.

[creaking]

[wind gusting]

[all gasp]

Pretty cool, huh?

- Now can I talk to Owen?

- Okay, hang on, I'll check.

If there is a spirit present,

please confirm by knocking twice on the table.

[two knocks]

- Tell the spirit this is an expensive table.

- Hey, spirit, lighten up.

We are mortals, but we're not deaf.

- That's my Owen, never a shy one.

Um, hi, honey, it's me.

Can you hear me?

- To answer, give two taps for yes and one tap for no.

[two taps]

- Oh, uh, are they treating you all right, darling?

[two taps]

Aw, I miss you, Owen. Do you miss me?

[two taps]

Did you meet God? Is he nice?

[two taps]

I figured.

What does he look like?

[one tap]

Uh, what's that mean?

- Uh, I think it's "I don't know."

Like he's scratching his head, right?

[two taps]

Am I a supernatural genius or what?

[one tap]

- It's a sarcastic spirit.

- Oh, Owen always had such a way with words.

- I'm can try to channel his spirit.

- Oh, I don't think that's necessary, Clarissa.

- Yeah, you've done enough. - Oh, we can't stop now!

Do you really think you could channel his spirit?

That would be wonderful.

- Oh!

- All right, Clarissa, but don't get carried away.

- Okay. I'll need absolute quiet.

Please, join hands.

[clears throat] Okay, here goes.

First, I'll need a sign that the spirit is willing.

Oh, spirit, slap me five

and give me a sign that you are here.

[spooky music]

- [gasps] Oh, my God!

- That's the broken vase!

[all gasping]

- Oh, my Owen, always fixing things.

- Thank you, spirit, for that earthly manifestation.

- Owen? Owen, are you there?

- Yes, it is me, Uncle Owen.

Hello, everybody. How are you?

- Owen, that doesn't sound like you, sugar.

What's happened to your voice?

- Uh, I have a cold.

- You can catch colds up there?

- I was out skiing Shakespeare.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

[laughter]

- Uncle Owen, such a kidder.

- Owen is a joker.

I mean, was, was.

- Owen, dear, was it you telling Clarissa to get out?

- I meant you should get out.

- What?

- Um... [clears throat]

I think he means you should get out more often.

Go to a movie. Go dancing.

Live it up. Right?

- Right, that's what I meant.

- Oh, well, maybe you're right.

Um, remember that song you used to sing?

- Uh...um...maybe.

- Well, sure, you taught it to me.

Could you please sing it again, just for old time's sake?

- Um, I guess.

Um... [clears throat]

♪ How much is that doggy in the window ♪

♪ Arf, arf

- That's not it.

- Oh, right, of course not.

Um...

♪ Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain ♪

- That's it, kids.

- ♪ And the waving wheat can sure-- ♪

- Hiya, Sam.

- Hi, Mr. Darling.

- Hey, what about the part

where I get to speak in tongues?

- That's quite enough.

I'm sorry, Mafalda.

We thought--you seemed so excited.

And, well--

- My goodness.

I wanted to talk to my Owen so much,

I guess I almost believed it.

Now I guess I--I never will talk to Owen again, ever.

- Clarissa?

- Aunt Mafalda, I'm sorry.

It's all my fault. I got carried away.

- It's okay.

Hey, Fergus, be more careful with that hockey stick, eh?

You should get ten minutes for slashing.

- Sorry, Aunt Mafalda.

- And funny hair over there should get singing lessons, eh?

- Guess I make a pretty smarmy swami.

It was a rotten idea.

- Are you kidding? It was a hoot.

- Really?

- Yeah! [laughs]

That was the most fun I've had since the Sadie Hawkins dance

at the Ladies' Moose Club. - Oh, go on, Clarissa.

Give your aunt a big hug and a kiss to make up.

- I'll settle for a handshake.

[chuckles]

- Ew! What's this? - Corn syrup.

Somehow it's all over my room.

- Mm, not bad.

- [laughs]

- ♪ Nana, na, na, nana, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

- So maybe I'm not as scary as I thought.

I guess we can't all be Vincent Price.

But if you think about it,

it's actually a pretty lucky break for the human race.

This vase is pretty funky, eh?

As they say, beauty's in the eye of the beholder,

or in this case, the be-dropper.

- Clarissa, Mafalda's leaving!

- Okay!

Time to do the monster mash one more time.

[upbeat music]

♪

- Mwah!

[laughs] Oh!

Here she is! So long, angel.

Thanks for making my stay so...entertaining, eh?

- Sure. Thanks for, um, fixing my jeans.

- My pleasure.

Well, good-bye.

- What the heck.

It's not like it's gonna k*ll me.

- Aww! Mmm!

[squeaks] - Ow!

[laughter]

- Ah, bye-bye.

Don't worry, Clarissa.

I'll be back.

♪

- That's the one thing about horror movies I hate:

there's always a sequel.

[spooky organ music]

Knock it off, Uncle Owen.

Get an afterlife!

♪

- ♪ Na, na, nana, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Nana, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, nana, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, nana, nana, na, na, na, na ♪

♪

[thunder rumbles]