01x07 - Urge To Drive

[bunniefuu]

- Was it sigmund freud who said

That all human beings are motivated by the sex drive?

No, maybe madonna said it.

I don't know.

But kissing all day...

I have a different theory.

Here goes.

% Of all people are motivated by the drive to eat pizza.

% Of all people are motivated by the drive to buy clothes,

Especially leggings.

% Of all people are motivated by the drive to sleep late,

Particularly on days when they have gym first period.

And the rest of the population, the remaining %,

Are motivated by the drive to drive.

That would be me,

Which is why I have to have this used gremlin.

Ding!

You're probably wondering how I'm gonna get the money.

Fasten your seat belts and watch.

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it

- I was born to drive.

Even before I could walk, I knew I had to drive.

"Honk, honk" were my first words.

The volkswagen maintenance handbook

Was my favorite picture book.

If I had a car, I'd put the pedal to the metal,

Pump up the volume, and hit the open road

With the wind in my face.

Vroom!

Hi, sam.

[Twangy guitar chord]

- I've got the new shipment.

- Sam's father's new girlfriend

Actually subscribes to comic books.

- She's addicted torichie rich.

- Sam, I was just thinking:

I would give anything to have a car.

- That's what you're always thinking.

- I'm serious.

Besides, I'm trying to figure out

What I could sell or pawn.

- Well, do you have anything valuable?

- What about my -foot-long gum chain

Made with only sugarless gum?

- I don't think there's a big market

In recycled gum wrappers.

- Okay.

My fish earrings?

- I didn't know fish wore earrings.

- Okay.

What about my hubcap collection?

- Hey, wait a second.

- Okay, maybe not the set of s

From cher's pink corvette.

Sam gave me those.

- Mint condition.

- I don't understand why mom and dad

Keep refusing to accept my driving destiny

Or at least let me borrow the car.

- Maybe the fact that you're not old enough

To get a driver's license has something to do with it.

- Parents are such sticklers for the law.

But this time, I've got the problem licked.

If only I could get a little more money.

Okay, read this.

- "Used apple red gremlin.

"Working windows, original interior,

"Three out of four tires still have treads,

"Never been in a collision...

On a highway."

- And it comes with a key. Must sell.

- Gee, I wonder why.

- And it's only $,.

- Yesterday you had to borrow five bucks from me

To go to the movies.

How are you ever going to get $,?

- By my calculations,

I already have $. From walking sarge,

The soapersteins' collie, all month;

$. From washing dr. Willer's pontiac;

$. From the cushions of the living room couch;

Then there's the $ birthday donation

From aunt dornie

And $ if I cash the u.s. Bond dad got me.

Let's see. That's $..

- Minus the $ you owe me.

- Okay, $..

So I only have to get...

$,. More.

- Piece of cake.

- Now, who do I know with that kind of money?

Hey, dad.

Another problem with the sink?

- No, as a matter of fact, sport,

There is a serious cr*ck in the wall flange,

But if I remove this slip nut,

That's a--

I can't believe you're really interested.

- Actually, dad--

- Oh, what was I thinking, right?

You're more the outdoors type, aren't you?

- Well, I do like parking garages

And convertibles.

- Yeah, right.

Hold that for a second, would you?

Thanks. All right.

- Speaking of cars,

Did you know thatconsumer reports

Ranked the gremlin as one of the ten best american cars?

- There are only ten american cars.

- Yeah, you're right.

But it's important to buy american, right?

- Oh, absolutely.

That's why I like the boy scouts of america.

Ah!

- Dad, why are we talking about the boy scouts?

- Oh, because of the jamboree. - Jamboree?

- I want to take you on the boy scout jamboree with me.

- Dad. - Yeah.

- I'm not a boy. - Yeah.

- I'm not even a scout.

- Oh, clarissa, it'll be great.

I mean, it's an entire weekend of camping by lake baxter.

- Dad, why don't you take ferguson?

He's a boy. - Ferguson.

Yeah, well, ferguson will be a good scout someday.

It's just that right now, he's--he's too young.

And I thought it would be a wonderful opportunity

For us to--to bond.

- Speaking of bonds and stocks, I was wondering--

- Oh, you could be in the squirrel patrol.

[Laughs]

They've got the best flag.

They've got a great patrol yell.

♪ Nee, nee-nee, nee-nee-nee-nee ♪

[Chittering]

You wouldn't want to miss that, would you?

- When would it be?

- A week from this saturday.

- [Mouthing words]

- Yeah. So what do you say?

- I don't know, dad.

I'd like to spend the weekend with you--i really would--

But, well, can I get back to you?

- Oh, of course.

I'll be under the sink.

- By the way... - Yeah?

- Would it be possible for me to get a raise in my allowance?

- Well, didn't we just give you and ferguson a ¢ raise, huh?

- Yeah, and it was a help,

But I'm having a few financial problems now,

And a slight raise on top of that

Would really make the difference.

- You're not in trouble, are you, sport?

- Well--

- Sport, I want you to know that I'll stand by you

And help you in any way I can.

Okay?

All right.

Now, how much of an increase in your allowance

Were you looking for?

- Say from $ to $,.?

- [Coughs]

Clarissa, that's more than the mortgage.

- Couldn't we refinance?

- No.

- Fossils for dinner again?

- Ah, don't eat too many.

I won't have enough for the brontosaur's teeth.

- Mmm, smells good.

What are they for?

- The museum.

It's our dinosaur project.

- Mom, I've been meaning to talk to you about your job.

- Oh?

- Well, you know when people need you--

They need your talents; they need your love,

Even though you're too shy to ask?

- I thought we already had this little talk.

- We did?

- See, clarissa,

When a man and a woman fall in love

And they want to have a baby--

- No, mom, not that.

It's about your job.

- Oh.

- Do you think the children's museum

Is paying you enough?

I mean, did you ever think of moonlighting a little bit,

Like maybe a nutrition consultant at the -eleven?

- I really don't think--

- Imagine: wheat germ slurpees.

- Clarissa, dear, everyone could use more money,

But we're doing just fine.

You don't have to worry.

- Phew.

Then can I please have $,.?

- Clarissa, you're not in trouble, are you?

- Well, not exactly trouble,

But it is a matter of life and death

That I buy this gremlin.

- Clarissa marie darling,

You want me to work the late shift at -eleven...

- Only a couple of months.

- Just so you can buy some magical creature?

- Mom, a gremlin is a car, mom.

I need a car.

- Oh. Clarissa, you don't need a car.

- But, mom! - Besides, you have a bicycle.

- But, mom! - Case closed.

[Sighs]

Now, how about helping me

With these pterodactyl footprints, huh?

- What would the pay be like for that job?

[Doorbell ringing]

- Wad breath. - Fish face.

- Slug head. - Get a clue.

- Get a new family.

- I'll start with a sister, please.

- Bite moose.

Oh, hi.

- Here's another delivery.

Hey, you kids aren't starting

A secret m*llitary base here, are you?

- No, dad's just exploring the great outdoors.

- Great.

Well, you kids have an outstanding day.

- Thank you.

Dad, the tentpoles and bait worms are here.

Bait worms?

- Oh, wow.

Look--look at the size of that worm.

- I see, dad. Thanks.

- Ah. Oh, no, no, no.

Here. Don't be afraid.

Worms are harmless. Yeah.

- It's not that I'm afraid.

It's just that I'm not fond of any animal

That looks the same backwards and forwards.

- Look, clarissa, I know that camping

Isn't something that you normally do,

But I think you should give it some real thought.

You might discover it's something

You really enjoy doing.

- Okay, dad, I'll give it some real thought.

- Okay.

- Yuck!

Dad.

Okay, the only way we're gonna make enough money

If we rule out white-collar crime--

- Why rule it out?

- I don't have the right clothes.

Anyway, I could babysit at the wackensteins'

At a rate of $. An hour.

It would take about--

- By the time you do the math,

The muffler on the gremlin would have rotted out.

- What about the tooth fairy?

- If you buy a whole lot of teeth wholesale.

- I think she has a quota she can spend on each kid.

[Knock at door]

- Hey, sport, the outdoor toilet just arrived.

You want to take a look?

- Sorry, dad. I can't.

- All right.

Well, you know where you can find me.

I'll be waxing the tentpoles.

- You could sell the outdoor toilet.

- Keep thinking.

- I've got it.

- What?

- Happy holidays.

- You too.

- No, happy holidays.

- I don't get it.

- That's the idea.

Read this ad.

- "Make up to $, a week in your spare time.

"Sell happy holiday christmas cards

From yuletide greetings, incorporated."

Wow, sam, this is great.

- I'm a boy genius.

- We're rich!

I can't believe it.

Okay, so first we'll buy the gremlin.

Then we'll take a few trips to paris, and let's see--

- I hate to interrupt,

But I think we should get started.

It says offer ends september , .

- Give me that coupon.

Okay, here's how the plan works.

See, I'm carrying christmas cards,

And I'm going through the neighborhood.

- Who would have realized

That selling christmas cards in may

Would be a great way to make money?

- Okay, I'm going door-to-door.

- Whoa, just like the avon lady.

- I show people the cards, and they give me lots of money.

- I love it when people force money on you.

- The more cards, the more money.

The more money, the closer I am to my car.

See? I won.

[Horn honking]

- Whoa, cool, a brand-new car.

[Horn honking]

Who says money doesn't grow on trees?

- Now all we have to do is wait for the cards to arrive.

Do you think I should get the foam dice

Or the boy with the bobbing head for the dashboard?

Where do the hanukkah ones go?

- Next to the "joyous noel" pile.

- A week from now, we'll be driving to school.

Where'd you say the "joyous noel" pile was?

- Underneath the "peace on earth" pile.

Have you thought about car insurance?

- I don't think you need car insurance

Until you're legally old enough to drive.

Wow, the yuletide greeting company

Really sends a lot of cards.

I hope we can sell all of them.

- They have experts

Who figure out how much you can sell.

That's how they know how much to send you.

[Doorbell rings]

- Delivery for clarissa darling.

- Oh, who's this from?

- Says yuletide greetings, incorporated.

- But I already got one delivery.

- Well, now you got another one.

- Thank you.

[Doorbell rings]

Who could it be this time?

- You forgot these.

- Whoa, that's a lot of cards.

- There must be some mistake.

- Bring them on in, boys.

[Frantic orchestral music]

♪

- How am I gonna get rid of all this stuff?

- ♪ All right, all right

- What about sending it all back?

- Obviously you haven't read the fine print.

- Oh, no.

You've got to see this:

The fine print.

"In the event that ms. C. Darling

"Fails to honor the terms in the agreement,

"Then the company shall have full legal entitlement

To seek damages up to and including $ million."

$ Million?

What if I can't pay?

- [Sighs]

It looks like they can take away your house.

Don't you remember duncan dorkin did that paper in social studies

On bankruptcy and repossession?

- The one about how they've got computers

Who know everything about you?

- Like where your dad works, your family bank account number.

- I don't even know that.

How come they do?

- Duncan says they're allowed to take everything:

Your property, your furniture,

Your clothes.

- Even my -foot gum chain?

- Even your hubcap collection.

- Good-bye, gremlin.

Hello, bankruptcy.

- Another tube of wax beans, ferguson?

- Thanks, dad.

I think I'll nurture the one I have.

- All right. - [Sniffs]

Marshall, are you sure there are no preservatives

In this beef jerky?

- Maybe it would help.

- No, it's % beef jerk.

- So how's your little business enterprise?

- Drop dead, fish face.

- You know you're never gonna get rid of those cards.

- Anyone ready for a cake cube?

Huh?

- I learned a new knot today:

The clove hitch over bar.

Want to see, dad?

- Well, actually, ferg,

That's a half hitch

But a handsome one.

- We interrupt this fascinating family dinner to bring you

The clarissa darling business update.

Business news tonight is grim.

It was a week of high hopes and major disappointment.

Sales were low, and costs were high.

That's $. Postage and shipping,

$. Deposit for the cards,

And $. I paid for foam dice for the dashboard.

My mistake.

This brings savings to a negative $..

Financial forecast: I'm heading for a big depression.

May I be excused to freak out?

- What's wrong?

Can we help?

- Me? I don't deserve help.

I made my bed. Now I have to lie awake in it.

Oh, dad, they know where you work.

- What was that all about?

- Maybe this jamboree thing has gotten her all upset.

Don't pressure her.

- Look, dad, a figure eight over hitch.

- Well, actually, ferg, that's a half hitch

But a handsome one.

Horntrodder. - Here.

- Eustice. - Here.

- Farnsworth. - Here.

- That's very interesting, hunter,

But here's another way.

- Robertson. - [Mumbling] here.

- Save some of that trail mix for the hike, robertson, okay?

- [Sputtering] yes, sir.

- Michaels.

Where's michaels?

- This is the worst experience of my life.

- It's probably the first time santa and his elf

Ever suffered from heat exhaustion.

- You know, I know a bankruptcy lawyer you could call.

- Drop dead.

- I'm only trying to help.

- What's going on here?

- Dad's jamboree.

- It looks like a bad version ofg.i. Joe.

- Hey, sport.

Hang on to this snake bite kit for me, would you?

- Sure, dad. - All right.

Oh, great, the camp lights.

- Okay, I think it's time

For a special happy holiday report.

It was pretty bad.

Here are some of the highlights.

[Doorbell rings]

Hi, we're selling happy holiday christmas cards,

Filled with the best--

- Christmas cards in may?

My word, I don't think so.

- Hi, though christmas only comes one day in december...

- We like to think that the christmas spirit--

- Bah! Humbug!

[Doorbell rings]

- Hi, we're selling these nifty christmas cards.

You could buy a ton of them and recycle the paper for $.

- Why don't you children go home?

[Doorbell rings]

- Hi, we're selling happy holiday christmas cards,

But they're actually red and green fourth of july--

Ow!

- Hey, sam, are you okay?

So much for happy holidays.

- Hey, sport.

- Hi, dad.

- I'll miss you on the jamboree.

- Dad, I'm sorry for everything.

- Oh, no, no. Don't apologize.

I made too big a deal out of the whole thing, and--

- No, really.

See, there was this problem. I had this idea--

- No, look, sport, I didn't mean to push.

It was just--

Well, I remembered when my dad and I

Went on a boy scout mountain trip, but--

No, it was actually more of a bird walk.

Well, in any case, we had a great time,

And I just wanted to recapture that with--

- A son?

- No, with you.

You see, in my day, they didn't let girls do scouting stuff,

And I thought you might actually enjoy it.

- Gee, I didn't know you were thinking that.

- Marshall, dear,

Horntrodder seems to have a splinter.

- Oh, that's okay,

I've got my swiss army splinter remover here.

- Wow, and I'm sending dad to the poorhouse.

[Thunder booming]

- Gee, dad,

It seems to me like there are cumulonimbus clouds out there,

And meteorologically speaking,

That could be trouble.

[Thunder booming]

- I better check this out.

- Oh, it looks real bad.

- Wow, isn't that the soapersteins' mailbox?

- Look, it's sarge, the soapersteins' collie.

- Wow, I've heard of raining cats and dogs,

But this is ridiculous.

[Boys clamoring]

- Scouts, scouts.

I'm giving the scout sign.

I just called the national weather center,

And there is a major thunderstorm alert.

[Boys cheering]

No, scouts. Sign!

I'm sorry to say this,

But we're gonna have to postpone the jamboree.

I--

[Boys groaning]

No, I'm sorry. Scouts.

Now, you know that being a scout

Means being brave in the face of an adventure.

And it also means being brave in the face of no adventure.

Today we are not having an adventure.

But hey, isn't that the greatest adventure of all?

Boys: no!

- All right, well, when the danger is past,

We'll go on the jamboree,

Assuming that the campsites haven't been washed away.

[Laughs]

[Boys laughing weakly]

All right, just go get your things.

- Hey, what are these, prizes?

- Neat. - Yeah.

- I want some. - No, man, they're mine.

You can't have them.

- Hey, scouts.

Settle down.

- Do you see what I see?

- Yeah.

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- Yeah, let's go for it.

Hey, guys, I know where you can get some more of these cards.

- Really? - Where?

- I want some.

- Dad, I was thinking:

You don't have to call off the jamboree.

- Oh, sport, it wouldn't be safe.

- Couldn't we have it right here?

- In the living room?

- Wow, what a great idea.

- It might really be fun.

- I don't know.

- You mean you want to join?

- How do you do a three clove over hitch?

- Scouts! Scouts!

The jamboree's back on!

We're gonna have it right here in the living room!

[Boys cheering]

It'll be fun!

- ¢ For the bathroom. ¢ For the towel.

Up the stairs to the right.

- Sorry, we're out of "joyous noel."

How about three boxes of"feliz navidad"?

- Sure.

- $. Out of $. Here's your change.

- Me, me. I'm next.

- Okay, that's a total of $..

- Scouts.

There'll be a hike up the basement steps

At hours.

Hey, be there.

- Hey. - Up the stairs to the right.

- Wait a minute.

- What's the matter?

Can't take a little friendly business competition?

- As a matter of fact, I've got a business proposition

Which I think you'll find to your liking.

It's a merger and acquisitions kind of thing.

- Ooh, now you're talking.

Sorry, bud. You're just gonna have to wait.

- See how a simple half hitch

Can turn into a modified sailor's half hitch

Into a double bowline?

- Where's the mergers and acquisitions part?

- The only thing you'll be merging with

Is this drainpipe.

- Come on, sis, really.

I love you.

You were right. I was wrong.

Yeah, you really showed me.

- Who could have thought that a boy scout jamboree

Could be this much fun?

- Come on. You can't do this to me!

- Okay, we sold all the cards, and I only lost $..

Isn't that great?

- We'll have to rewrite the ad in the comic book:

You can lose as much as $. A week

Selling christmas cards.

- You know, now that it's all over,

I'm glad I never bought that gremlin.

- Really?

- Hondas are much more fuel-efficient.

- Yeah, I guess you're right.

Hey, look at this.

- Oh, not again, sam.

- "Make hundreds of dollars in your spare time.

Sell sea monkeys to all your friends."

- Oh, great.

You've got to see this.

Now I know why they say comic books are bad for you.

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it