01x06 - School Picture

[bunniefuu]

[rock music]

-Hey, what's the ?

You know, , like calling information.

What's the scoop or what's the buzz?

You're wondering about the hair.

I haven't joined a cult or anything.

I'm making a statement... or I will be

as soon as I figure out exactly what that statement is.

Look, there are three days in the year

that really burn me up.

Okay, let's look at the calendar.

First there's New Year's Eve.

You want to be rocking with Echo & the Bunnymen

somewhere on a yacht.

Instead you're listening to Guy Lombardo

and watching old Lawrence Welkreruns

with Fishface and Aunt Dorney.

Then there's Fergatroid's birthday.

- Mine! All mine!

All of them! - I don't see why

we should have to commemorate

the birth of that demon hamsterhead.

Then there's school picture day.

I intensely dislike school picture day.

Aah!

O.K., the definition of picture day

is the day where you and everyone in your class

dress up in dweeby clothes and have your picture taken

so your mom can send it to grandparents

to show it to strangers on a bus.

Maybe I can't do anything about New Year's

or Ferg-face's birthday,

but mark my words...

After this year,

school picture's never going to be the same...

And that's the .

- ♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

♪ Way cool ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

♪ Way cool ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

♪ Just do it ♪

- Salt-N-Pepa say shake your groove thing,

ow, do what you wanna do.

This is the exact philosophy I'm adopting for picture day.

Yuck!

Here. Look at the damage from last year.

[laid-back piano]

That's me next to Felice Mumpkin.

No comment about the knee socks.

This year, I'm not going to look like Miss Dorkus USA.

I'm going to find the most incredible ensemble

that doesn't include knee socks

and wear it no matter what anyone says.

If only I could make up my mind.

Hey, look, Elvis.

Your favorite tuxedo for special occasions.

- [growl]

He never gets to go out. It's very sad.

[knock on door]

Hey, what's the ? - Hi, Jody.

- Listen, I'm considering the blue angora

with the puffy sleeves and a few pearl accents.

- That's my friend Jody.

- But what do you think about the pink cashmere

with the little silver buttons?

- She acts sophisticated. Don't let it bother you.

- Forget it. I'll sweat like a bloated pig.

Hey, think fast. - Ew! What's this?

That is my brother-in-law Wade's toupee.

Says he's nothing without his hair.

Here's all of his Elvis stuff.

- Ooh, these blue suede shoes are a little green from age.

- You've got to see his Elvis.

It's quality, like he's back from beyond or something.

Listen, he needs this stuff back

before he plays Cindy Shuler's sweet next weekend.

Her dad's aStar Searchjudge.

It could be a big brake for Wade.

- Do I look like the King?

- You look weird.

- But this stuff belongs to an authentic Elvis impersonator.

- So you look authentically weird.

- Nah. It's not right yet.

- It's not?

- Jody, Jody, Jody,

this is the dawn of a new era of fashion.

- It is?

- Our mission--

to seek out racy combinations,

to boldly wear patterns no one has worn before.

I see you as a cross between Lady Di

and Lieutenant Uhura.

- You do?

- I have the perfect capefor you.

It's kind of a Tina Turner meets Elvira.

- Do you have anything more Winona Ryderish?

- Here.

With this hat, Winona Ryder

will be calling you for fashion tips.

- O.K. But promise. We can't tell anyone.

If my mom finds out, I'm dead meat.

- Why? - Principal Merken's

planning a crackdown on weird dressing.

We could get suspended.

- For wearing a hat?

- Yeah, they did it all the time in the sixties.

- Okay, we'll make a pact-- we won't tell a single soul.

- Hoy! - Hoy!

I got to run. Tonight mom's making

manicotti, my fave.

- O.K., Jode, remember--

think hip, think hot, think funk.

- Funk?

[dramatic organ chords]

- Boogerbreath, what are you doing?

- Don't worry, sis, your secret's safe with me.

- You worm! - Hey, if you and your playmate

wanna go make buttheads of yourselves

by dressing like freaks on picture day, go for it.

Hey, Jody, maybe an alligator bag

might look nice with that.

- Don't even think about it, pinhead.

[laughing and whooping]

[overlapping yelling]

- ♪ La la la la ♪

- This is my salute-to-world-leaders look.

It's got some authentic features,

like the collar.

This is a genuine Mao Tse-Tung collar.

Well, it's genuinely like collars from the Mao period.

These are real Ghandi trousers.

O.K., they're my dad's sweat pants,

but they're real replicas.

This is an actual

Jackie O. Pillbox hat.

O.K., not all pillboxes are perfectly round.

- Clarissa! - I've tied it all together

with a pin like Barbara Bush wears at Christmas.

- Clarissa? - I mean, how could anyone

not crave this outstanding ensemble?

[knock on door] - Clarissa, dinner!

- I've got to change first. - Now, Clarissa!

- I guess this is what they call dressing for dinner.

Gee, I wonder what Mom will think.

- Okay, Dad, I'll put you down for $ a mile.

- I said $. a mile. - Okay, --

my last offer. - I'm only spending .

- Dad, if our planet is to survive,

we have to open our hearts

to all creatures great and small.

- That must be why you pour salt on snails

and light ants on fire.

- Ferguson, I'm happy so you're taking

this endangered-species walkathon seriously.

- That's because he gets a jawbreaker

the size of Denmark if he gets bucks worth in sponsors.

- O.K., for you, dad, . Plus, I'll throw in

a glow-in-the-dark bald eagle statuette.

- No. $. a mile-- that's my final offer.

- Soy sorbet, anyone?

- Uh, no, thanks. I'm kind of full.

- That's a nice hat you have on, dear.

- Thanks, Mom. - Any special occasion?

- Oh, I just thought I'd wear it to school.

- Oh, that's nice. - On Friday.

- I see. - For picture day.

- On second thought,

I think I will have some sorbet,

but I'm gonna get some sprinkles.

- We're talking about theschool picture, are we?

The one I send to your grandparents

that makes them so proud year after year?

- The one Grandma shows to strangers on buses.

- I just want to do something different.

- Honey, I don't see what the problem is.

If Clarissa wants to wear something unconventional

to school, I mean, you know, we all move to the b*at

of a different drummer.

- But Clarissa doesn't have rhythm.

- If you want to express yourself,

dress up in the back yard, and I'll take your Polaroid.

Your school picture is not the place for nonconformity.

- Mom, Dad, I just want you to know

that for my school picture, I'll be well-groomed

tastefully dressed, because I know

an attractive photo will enhance my ability

get into a good university

and secure a professional position in the future..

- Thank you, Ferguson.

- Brown-nosing dweeb.

Mom, this is important.

I don't want to wear the same old thing for picture day.

Can't I wear what I want?

- I don't know. Let me think about it.

["thinking" music plays]

♪ ♪

O.K., Clarissa, let me explain.

Your school picture will leave a lasting impression,

so you'll want to look your best.

Let me show you what I mean.

Here's Jimmy Meeka, the class clown.

What a joker.

- Ew! That's lasting.

- And here are the Devecci twins--

Vicki and Kiki.

You don't want to look like that, do you?

- Not bad. - Look at how messy

and rumpled they are.

- You call it rumpled. I call it sloppy chic.

- Well, here's me.

See if that doesn't convince you.

- Wow! I don't know what to say, Mom.

You look so... so...tidy.

- Well, I do look nice, even though I had the flu.

My eyes are puffy,

but it's an excellent example of a proper picture.

- You've got to see this.

Mom looks like she swallowed a frog

or ate a pound of lead.

Now I have to go ahead with my plan

so I don't end up like this.

So, your prim period

was before tofu came into your life, right?

- You call it prim. I call it schoolgirl chic.

- Wow! Who's this hunk?

- Oh, that's Joey Russo.

- Joey the Jerk?

- He ran your father's gym shorts up the flagpole.

- What a heathen!

- He had some positive qualities.

- Yeah. His eyes.

- His dimples were sweet...

and his teeth were good.

- And his eyes.

- And he had a nice tan.

And his eyes. - And his eyes.

- Let me see that.

What's this?

"To the boniest girl in school

"from your ever-loving hunky monkey.

Janet and Joey, forever."

Forever? I thought you went out

with that skinny Donny Snittaker.

- I did, but Joey and I had a little M.R.,

- M.R.? - But it didn't last.

- Uh, metal racket?

- No. Meaningful relationship.

- Oh. Eeck.

- Look at that. Perfect jaw line, huh?

Guy's probably a senator now.

- Last January, he was a congressional aide.

- Let me see that! - You still talk to him?

- Well, I just ran into him.

- Gee, I wonder what Dad's picture looks like.

- You had lunch with him? - What, I'm not supposed to

see my friends?

- Wow! This is creepier than I could ever imagine.

You've got to see this.

Marshall Darling,

permanently eclipsed from the record book of life.

My dad, the black hole.

- ♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

- This Joey Russo affair has really gotten out of hand.

You can't believe how weird it's gotten around here

since Dad found that picture in Mom's yearbook.

He's just a shell of a man.

Will Marshall Darling ever recover

from the secret of Mom's past?

- And what about Janet Darling?

Will she run off with Joey Russo

and make him eat stuff with brewer's yeast?

- And what of Ferguson?

Will he continue to sabotage our lives?

- Heh heh heh!

- Then there's the mystery of Dad's missing picture.

Stay tuned.

- Here's the other box of pictures from downstairs.

Boy, were you a funny-looking baby.

- Hi, Jody.

- Hey, why are you sitting on the lap

of this funny-looking guy in the red suit and white beard?

- That's Santa Claus.

- Oh, I thought he looked familiar.

- Those earrings look really cool.

- Uh. I don't know.

- Red alert. Red alert.

- My mom found out about our plan.

- Warning, Will Robinson. Warning.

- Look, Mom says if I dress up like a fruitcake,

I'm gonna have to do

a hundred extra hail Marys at confession.

- You mean wearing chic outfits is a sin?

Cher's definitely going to hell.

- Mom said it's not a sinexactly.

It's just bad if you wear something

God wouldn't let his kids go out of the house in.

- Bummer.

Why can't I find my dad's picture?

- Maybe it's just lost, or he was out sick.

- Maybe he was wearing a black shirt with white writing

that said, "no photo available."

Or maybe he never existed.

Maybe he lives in a parallel universe

with a parallel family

with parallel soap scum in a parallel shower.

- And parallel low allowances?

- Maybe I don't existeither.

Maybe I'm the atom on the thumbnail of a giant.

- You exist. You have homeroom, don't you?

- Oh, yeah.

Here's Mom at her awkward stage.

- Whoa!

- Wow! Get a load of this.

- Whoa! I didn't know your mom had such long hair.

- That's because it's not my mom--it's my dad.

- Oh.

He looks like one of the Nelson twins.

You know, Gunnar without the make-up or the Spandex.

- Wow, he's got real love beads.

- Hey, how come your dad looks like a rock legend

and my dad looks like Homer Simpson?

- Just lucky, I guess.

- Yes. Well, good taste isn't really something you can teach.

But she does have my genes.

That should count for something.

[chuckling] Oh, yes. I see.

Dr. Merken, we have always

taught our daughter good hygiene,

and I'm sure she'll conform to the school standards--

naked?

Of course not!

Of course I'm sure.

Yes, Dr. Merken, I understand.

No, Dr. Merken, that won't be necessary.

Thank you.

Clarissa Marie Darling.

- Uh-oh, she used the three-name call.

- That was Principal Merken.

He said he heard you're going to school naked!

- Oh, that. I can't believe

this has turned into such a big deal.

- Naked?

- Don't you think it's sort of funny?

- Naked?

- You got to admit, it's a statement.

- Naked?

- Mom, it's just a rumor.

- A vicious rumor.

- Were you planning on

streaking around the halls first

or just wearing a raincoat and flashing

when the photographer's little light goes off?

- Mom, Ferguson started it.

He told Ervin Potter's sonErnest

that I was gonna dress up like the Virgin Mary.

- Well, then Ernest told Buffy Snaud

that Clarissa was going as Madonna.

You know, the-underwear- on-the-outside one,

which sort of started the rumor

about Clarissa going el buffo.

- Thank you, Jody.

- Mom, seriously,

Of all the things I'm going to do,

naked is definitely not one of them.

- Why does my daughter have to be the weird one?

What have I ever done to make you wanna do this?

- Well, there was the time you forgot me in the market.

And the time you spit on your thumb

to clean the syrup off my face.

- Save it for the school psychologist.

- Oh, come on, Mom. It's not personal!

- When it reaches the Principal, it's gone too far.

I won't have you looking like Pee-wee Herman

for picture day.

- Ooh, Pee-wee Herman. There's one we didn't think of.

- At exactly : tonight,

I'm going to meet with you and your brother.

- But Mom-- - Get your outfits together.

I'll make the final decision. - But Mom--

That's final.

- Whoa!

Did she just upchuck on your ball gown or what?

- ♪ All right, all right ♪

- Um, Clarissa. - Don't explain.

Keep the earrings in case you change your mind.

- Your mom is on a rampage.

- I haven't seen her like this

since Ferguson littered on Earth day.

- If you wear the wrong shoes, she'll k*ll you.

- Yeah. - Why do moms have to be

so strict? - It's in their job description

like when they tell you to get the hair out of your face

because you have a nice forehead.

- Or if you swallow watermelon seeds, you'll grow vines

in your stomach. - Exactly.

- If my kid wanted to shave her head

and get her picture taken in an orange Muumuu,

I'd let her. - You would not.

- Well, I wouldn't blame her for trying.

- Me neither. - I guess you'll have to

boldly wear stuff no one's worn before...by yourself.

- That's O.K.

- This is dire, I swear.

- No problem. Don't worry about me.

- Thanks, bud. Good luck.

- As Mr. Futtstein says, when life hands you a menu,

don't just order soft-boiled eggs.

A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.

- ♪ Na na na na na na ♪♪♪

- Aha!

But the jacket's a good choice.

- A birthday present from you, Mom.

- The pants could use a press.

- He's been too busy saving whales.

- I'll press them.

- Let's have a look at this bow tie.

- Careful. It could be loaded.

- Loaded? - She means the trick ties

I had as a youngster. I outgrew those years ago.

- Liar! My sweat shirt's still wet

from when you squired me this morning.

- A freak thunderstorm.

- That's enough, Clarissa.

Turn around.

- Unlike some people, I know that what I wear

reflects on the family as a whole

and is important to our position in the community.

- I'll damage your position, you two-faced weasel.

- I only want our mother to have one child

she can be proud of.

- You pass inspection. I approve your uniform.

- Hallelujah! - One down. One to go.

Clarissa!

- Isn't there some other way

we can spend quality time together?

- This is as quality as it gets.

- Couldn't we gather some leaves

and iron them between wax paper?

- Hut, , , .

Hut, , , .

Hut, , , .

Hut, , , .

- No pipsqueaks allowed.

- You were at my inspection.

- But you're a boy, and I'm an adolescent.

I'm at a very sensitive age, and we might have to

go through some of my personal things.

It could get very girly, and-- - Mom!

- Be a prince and go shine your shoes.

- Princes don't shine shoes. They have slaves.

Wonder what Dad is doing.

- O.K., let's go.

- Before I unveil what I have picked out,

I've got a last request.

- Well? - I'd like to plead my case.

- Plead fast.

- You see, Mom, it's like this...

[drum roll]

You taught me to stand up for what I believe in,

so I'm standing up.

How can I possibly quit now?

[drum roll]

Mom, did you know that in

a judge ruled that kids' rights for Freedom of Speech

are protected under the Constitution?

Without the Constitution, we'd be a nation of cheaters,

liars, and shoplifters.

[drum roll]

Look at it this way-- it's not like

I'm getting my nose pierced! - Thank goodness

for small favors.

- Let me just show you what I'm planning.

You'll love it. Trust me.

[dramatic chords]

- All right, now that's over.

Let's get out the navy cardigan,

the knee socks, pleated skirt--

- Not the navy cardigan.

Wait, uh, Mom, before we get out that sweater,

there's something I'd like to show you.

It's an interactive simulation,

which I think you'll find interesting.

- I don't see what does a video game

has to do with anything.

- It'll just take a minute.

You'll love it. Trust me.

- You keep saying that.

[upbeat music]

- Remember, stay calm and choose wisely.

- Stay calm, choose wisely.

Choose what?

- O.K., here's the idea. You have to climb the ladder

and save the girl in the window.

- Okay. Climb the ladder. Save the girl.

- Mom, help! - Hey, that one looks like you.

- Mom, help!

- [growling]

- Get back, alien slug.

- [snarling]

[buzz]

- But how do I know which is really you?

- I'm the one wearing the cool outfit.

See, I'm different from everybody else.

That's how you know it's me. Mom, help, Mom, help!

Mom, help! Mom, help!

- There you are.

[high-pitched voice]

That was very manipulative, Clarissa.

- It's just that doing something special

means a lot to me.

- Manipulative, but clever.

Look, I want to support you,

but you could embarrass yourself.

I don't want that to happen.

- But what's embarrassing to you

might be completely superb to me.

Here. Look at these pictures I found of you and Dad.

Look at this one of Dad. I mean, what is that?

- That's the picture that made me fall in love

with your father.

- This picture? - Doesn't he look like

a k*ller? - What are you doing?

Looking at more pictures of Joey?

- I thought you were doing stuff with bras and underwear.

- Actually, dear, I was admiring

this photograph of you.

- You've got to see this.

[groovy music]

If this is good-looking,

people should stop bugging Sinead O'Connor.

- Oh, this picture's famous.

Oh, this was the hit

in the "dress codes don't" bulletin board.

- His hair was so long, they wouldn't print it.

- That is your yearbook photo?

- Oh, it sure is, sport.

- The one I've been looking for?

- Yeah. - Dad?

Our dad?

- That picture?

- I am so ashamed.

- Let me get this straight.

You were a... a...nonconformist?

- Yeah. - I guess we know

where you get it from. - Wait a minute!

Does this mean I'm free to express myself

in an original way,

that I can make unique, unprecedented choices

that don't include cardigans and knee socks?

Are you telling me that I can be a nonconformist

and wear what I want?

- Well...O.K. Yes.

- Oh, no way.

- You can wear whatever you want.

- All right!

- I can't believe this.

It's too much.

I can't take this.

Who are you people?

- I was thinking of wearing the pink wet suit

with the purple marabou,

or the surgeon's gown with the rhinestone kimono?

- Don't push it.

- Oh, just in time for a lentil cupcake.

- No, thanks.

- What is it, dear?

- Oh, nothing.

- It's what I thought, isn't it?

- Not exactly.

- Oh, no, the other kids made fun of you

and called you names?

- Well, no, not exactly.

- Hot off the press-- copy of the school picture.

- I can't look. I'm too mad.

- Still bumming, huh?

- Why is she bumming, Jody?

For what reason is she bumming?

- Clarissa had a close encounter

of the nastiest kind.

Stylistically, she got creamed.

- After everything I went through.

I mean, I go out of my way

to find the most original ensemble, and now this...

I guess you've got to see this too.

I look just like everybody else.

- Don't you realize you started a fad?

- Yeah, I didn't know you were such a trendsetter.

- At least Ferguson got teased for being different.

He hated it. - That's true.

- And Principal Merken can't suspend the whole class.

- That's true too.

- But if you could come with me when I show my mom?

- Deal.

- And you have days to plan for next year.

Maybe you'd like some of my old outfits.

I have this lovely blue sweater vest.

- That might be cool.

- Joey Russo always loved my sweater vests.

- Get her, Dad!