01x01 - Clarissa’s Revenge

[bunniefuu]

- Growl!

[scary music]

Hi, I'm Clarissa, Clarissa Darling.

Okay, I didn't choose the name.

I wanted Jade,

but by that time, it was too late already.

Anything without a last name would be better,

like Martika.

Or Madonna would have been great.

But no one asked me.

Since we're going to be hanging out a lot

and I'm going to explain

all the things that go on around here,

I think you should know a few things about me,

you know, my likes and dislikes.

Okay, I like Twizzlers, jawbreakers, and sugar bombs;

John, the one without the glasses,

in They Might Be Giants;

and driving.

Everyone thinks I'm too young to drive,

but I feel you have to start early

if you really want to do something right.

Okay, I hate the kind of pixie haircuts

your mom gives you at home.

I hate tiny germs everywhere

and barf.

Have you ever noticed

how barf always tastes like orange juice and pizza?

Then there's my parents.

It's not that I hate my family.

It's just that... Well, they're my family.

Okay, there's my mom, Janet.

She's a regular mom, pretty much,

except she works with kids, little kids.

She shows them stuff at the children's museum,

where she's in charge.

If you ask me, it's a secret indoctrination camp

to turn the little guys into morons.

Oh, and she eats health food.

Okay, then there's my dad, Marshall.

Dad's an architect.

That means he makes lots of drawings

and visits empty lots in his Jeep.

Usually he builds houses in weird shapes.

He's a modern architect.

I'm really glad we can't afford

to live in any of those houses.

And then there's me...

[knock on door]

Clarissa, the only abnormal child

of two perfectly normal parents.

[knock on door]

Unless, of course, you count...him.

This is Ferguson, my [gags] brother.

Morning, Ferg-face.

That dorkpie has been a burr on my butt

since he was born.

"Why me?" I asked myself.

And why him?

[baby crying]

He was a normal, ugly little baby.

Sometimes I think he was just envious

of my natural grace and good looks.

Sometimes I think he's related to Freddy.

Fishface is a real creep.

But it doesn't matter anymore

because after today,

he dies.

- ♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Just do it

Mr. Futtstein, my history teacher,

says there comes a time when everyone has to act

in a way that defines them forever.

It's a whole "to be or not to be" kinda thing,

and I've decided to take a stand

against the slings and arrows of Ferguson for good.

Watch out for Elvis!

Elvis is my security alligator.

[animal growls]

He looked a lot bigger in the catalog.

- Here's all that junk you wanted.

I still don't know what it's for.

- This stuff's great.

I got to get that strait jacket back on my aunt

before they miss her at the hospital.

- That's Sam. We're buds.

Sam's going through an awkward stage--

you know, waiting for those hormones to kick in.

His dad's a single father, a sportswriter.

Sam always feels neglected.

Some kids have all the luck.

They always have pizza for dinner.

- I get extra cheese.

- Clarissa, time for dinner!

- I'll be right down!

I wonder if this is the the right size for the twerp.

- I think it's a "one size fits all" kind of thing.

- With this strait jacket, Ferguson, that little booger,

is gonna pay the price for ultimate humiliation.

- Don't you think you're overreacting

to a simple, embarrassing situation?

- Overreacting?

What would you do?

It was Tuesday, May th.

[dramatic music]

I heard about it from my girlfriend, Jody.

♪

- And now, Ferguson, what did you bring

to show the class today?

- This, Miss Engleberger, is my sister's trainer.

[laughter]

- So your brother's a dorkhead creep

who they should grind up for puppy puke.

What else is new?

- Sam, embarrassment is my least favorite emotion.

Wow, tell your aunt she has great taste in strait jackets.

I can't wait to get this on Ferg-brains.

- Clarissa, please come down for dinner!

- Hmm, it's really tight too.

- Well, you're on your own.

- What do you mean? We've got a lot more to do.

- Sorry. I can't. I'm leaving.

- What do you mean you're leaving?

Where are you going? - France.

- France? Why are you going to France?

- In France, they don't play football.

Besides, I'm running away.

- But you've got to help me.

I mean, what about your dad?

- That's just it: Dad made a bet.

- Your dad lost a bet to the Mafia

and now they're gonna wipe you guys out

in a spray of b*ll*ts. That's so cool.

Oh. Maybe not.

- Clarissa, it's time for dinner!

- No. Worse.

He bet the other sportswriter at the "Dispatch"

that I could make the football team.

Tryouts start first thing tomorrow morning.

- But, Sam, you can't leave.

Think of your friends.

- You're my only friend.

- That's what I mean. Think of me.

Besides, maybe you'll make the team.

- You don't understand.

Those guys will squash me like a bug.

Don't you realize that the only thing worse

than humiliating my dad is if I make the team.

- I don't get it.

- That torpedohead Wally Butterman

would kick my butt every day.

- Oh, you're right.

[ponderous music]

Let me think.

There must be some way we can get you out of this.

♪

- Clarissa, if you don't come down right this minute,

I'm sending your father up!

- I've got it!

I think I know how to get you out of football

without making your dad look bad.

- Right, and tomorrow the Beatles

are getting back together.

- No, really, I think I've got an idea.

If it doesn't work, you've got the rest of the weekend.

You can always run away.

- Okay, what is it this time?

- Tell your dad you're gonna do your best.

You've got to play along if this is going to work.

Just get through tomorrow.

- I don't know.

- Oh, and take that football with you.

It'll make you more believable.

And we'll need some bandages, gauze,

plaster of Paris, a splint, maybe a neck brace.

- Hold it.

Why do I have the feeling I'm not going to like this?

- Trust me, all you've gotta do

is show up for the first day of tryouts.

Then we'll put the neck brace and stuff on you

and say you're injured.

With the high price of school liability insurance these days,

the coach won't come near you.

- I'll try anything.

Boy, I hope this works.

- Sam!

Hey, Sam, wait a second!

How am I supposed to get this thing off?

Now, what would Doug Henning do in my position?

[upbeat music]

♪

[knock on door]

- Come on, sport, it's...

[chuckles] It's time for dinner.

♪

- ♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na na na na na na na ♪

[upbeat music]

♪

- ♪ All right, all right ♪

- That was pretty funny last night,

the way you slid down the stairs in a strait jacket.

You looked like a real looney tune.

- Now, now, Ferguson, don't make fun, mm-hmm?

- You're right, Dad.

It's not fair to laugh at the mentally incompetent.

- Are you sure you didn't hurt yourself, dear?

- No, Mom, I'm fine.

You know I'll just do anything to give you guys a good laugh.

Okay, here's an update

on what's happened so far this morning.

It began hours earlier

as Mom exploded half a dozen eggs in the microwave

trying to make minute eggs.

She's moved on to tofu.

Dad spent the whole time

reading the same page of the "Dispatch."

And Ferg-head, my crud of a brother, is sucking up to Mom.

- Gee, Mom, these are the best tofu pancakes I've ever had.

- Why, thank you, Ferguson.

- Here, little brother, have some of mine.

- What are you in such a good mood for?

- Let's just say that today could be

the first day of the rest of my life.

- So what are you kids up to today?

- Well, Mom, there's an important "National Geographic"

documentary on the tribal customs

of the beemer cuscus men of Papua New Guinea.

- How interesting.

- Yeah, I thought I might take some notes

and write an extra report for class.

- Wouldn't you rather sh**t a few hoops with your old dad?

- Gee, Dad, I'd love to play some basketball,

but I think at this stage in my development,

it's important to build a strong foundation

in the applied anthropological sciences.

- Oh, Ferguson.

- Mom, can I drive the car to town?

- What do you think you have feet for?

- To work the pedals.

- Hey, Sam, what'd you do,

hit yourself in the eye picking your nose?

- Oh, Sam. - Hi, Samuel.

- What happened? - It's just a black eye.

- Well, family, I'm off to my studies.

- All right.

Sport, what do you say you and I

play some basketball, huh?

- I'd like to, Dad, but it's against my religion.

- Religion?

What religion is that?

- Um, the Holy Church of Magic Johnson?

- [laughs] Yeah, what do you say, sport?

How about a little one-on-one, huh?

- Dad, I've been meaning to have

a man-to-man talk with you about this.

You see, Dad, I'm a girl--

- Marshall, dear. - Yeah, honey?

- I'm sure Clarissa would rather come with me

and work with the little ones.

You know, we're Mousercising at the museum today.

- Okay, Mom, if I get to drive.

- Clarissa, you know you're not old enough

to drive a car by yourself.

- Well, what if I steer and you push the accelerator?

- Clarissa, you said you'd help me

with my, uh, paper for phys ed, you know,

the one how not to injure yourself playing football.

- Oh, that's an interesting idea for a paper.

You know, that reminds me when I was your age

and I tried out for our football team.

Of course, Sam, I was much bigger

and much taller than you are,

but, anyway, I remember it like it was yesterday.

It was my freshman year...

- Uh, Dad, Sam's right.

I forgot. We gotta go.

- Come, dear.

You can show the children how to walk like Donald Duck.

- Oh, well, I guess.

Janet, you remember, don't you,

my early my gridiron days?

I was second string, of course, but I was determined--

[window slams]

why doesn't that kid ever use the door?

- I'm telling you, it was brutal!

- Wow, but what happened to your eye?

- On the first scrimmage,

Wally Butterman gave me a noogie and ripped my shirt.

- Wait a second. Let's see.

Okay, so you're in the backfield,

and he gave you a noogie.

- Yeah, that's when he pulled my shoelace

and I tripped as the ball was snapped.

- Okay, shoelace here.

- Then Wally threw

an elbow block to my face on the forward pass.

- Okay, elbow block here.

That must have hurt.

- It didn't hurt that much.

Getting run over by a garbage truck hurts more.

- Can't believe the coach called you for clipping.

- Yeah, and you should see what Wally did to my locker.

- I never realized the first day would be so bad.

I figured there'd be some kind of orientation period,

or maybe they'd have you run sprints or something.

I feel terrible.

- The worst is the way that Wally told the coach

that I had illegally shoved my face into his elbow.

- Well, at least you didn't get a penalty

for backfield in motion.

- Then there's my dad.

He's totally hyped.

He said that me trying out is the best thing

that's happened to him since the divorce with Mom.

I can't go through another day of this.

- Don't worry, you won't have to.

After we take care of Ferguson,

we'll wrap you up in the bandages

and you'll take this little note I printed out

on my new Dr. Sports medical diagnostic software.

and you won't have to think about football again.

- Whoa! This looks authentic.

Hey, I won't have to take phys ed either.

- Oh, by the way, how many cubic feet of helium

do you think you need to lift pounds?

- Let's see, you could

take the amount of helium in the Goodyear Blimp,

divide that by...

- Oh, I forgot to show you.

I worked up a little animated simulation

of my plan for Ferguson.

I think you can't have too many balloons.

First, I get Ferguson into the strait jacket.

Don't ask me how.

Meanwhile, you're outside with balloons.

See, that's your hand holding the balloons.

- That doesn't look much like me.

- I told you, this is a simulation.

Now, as soon as I push him out the door,

you hook him up.

Next thing you know, he's floating away forever.

Pretty soon, he'll be sighted as a UFO.

With any luck, E.T. will take him home.

- Hey, let me try that.

- Help, Mom! Help, Mom!

Help, Mom! Help, Mom!

Help, Mom!

Uh-oh!

[dog barks]

- I didn't know the beemer cuscus men

of Papua New Guinea

looked like Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig.

- Buzz off, bozo.

- Now, is that any way

to talk to your loving older sister?

What's this, a new whipped cream diet?

- Eat dirt, dimhead.

You're spoiling my view of the screen!

What do you want, anyway?

- Oh, just to be near you, to bask in your golden glow

and hope that maybe some of your luck rubs off on me.

- Fat chance!

You'll never be as lucky as I am.

It's not in your genes.

- Well, normally, I'd take issue with that,

but today on this beautiful Saturday,

I've got to hand it to you.

- What are you getting at?

- Well, you've really got

Mom and Dad all figured out.

- Of course I do.

Parents are easy.

But how do you mean?

- Well, I think they finally got your hint

about that B-I-C-Y-C-L-E.

- Bicycle? My -speed?

- I never said anything.

- Out with it, donkeybreath!

I mean...sis.

Do you really think they got me that bike?

- Well, I'm not supposed to tell you.

- Tell me what?

- Mom and Dad made me promise.

- Tell me! Tell me!

- Okay! Don't have a cow about it.

What does the word "boron" mean to you?

- You mean they got me the Mercer boron -speed racer

with custom Mineola gears and pop-off tires?

- Don't say I ever said that.

- Blue or white? Blue or white?

- Well, I guess you'll just have

to figure it out for yourself.

- What do you mean? My birthday isn't for another

one, two, three, four...five weeks.

- Oh, yeah. You're right.

Well, I don't know how they expected you

to avoid that closet for five weeks.

You know, sometimes parents are so dumb.

- This closet? It's in the front hall closet?

- How could I have let that slip?

Mom and Dad are going to k*ll me.

- [screaming]

- Wait a second. Where'd he go?

- Get me out of this thing, you creep!

- Sorry, bub.

I know there's a long prison term for this kind of thing,

but it's time you paid.

Besides, I'm not leaving any evidence.

- Paid for what?

- Does this look familiar?

- Sis, gee... I mean, really, come on!

Come on, I love you.

I mean, uh, um, I-I was desperate.

I didn't--I didn't have my homework.

I needed a diversion.

- Well, in a few minutes,

you'll be diverting the vultures

who'll be pecking your eyes out with their beaks.

- No! The door! Help!

- Wow, wind really can take those balloons.

- Hey, Sam, watch out for that branch!

[balloons popping]

- Gee, does this mean I'm not getting

that new Mercer boron -speed racer?

- Careful. Watch out for your arm.

I guess we didn't need that many balloons.

- Nah, it's okay.

I should have just put a few lead weights in my shoes

or maybe rigged up a towline or something.

- Okay, so my plan had a few flaws.

- You can say that again.

- Okay, so my plan had a few flaws.

- Funny.

- I'm just trying to cheer you up.

Look, Sam, I'm really sorry,

but I did kind of get you out of football tryouts.

- Yeah, but I didn't think it'd hurt as much

as actually trying out.

Wally Butterman was easier on me.

- Think about it: no more humiliation,

and at least we had the cast and neck brace on hand.

- When I show up with this stuff on,

Coach will k*ll Wally.

I can't wait to see the look on his face.

- You know, Sam, I think

it was Benjamin Franklin who once said,

"If you aim for the sun, your arrow might fall short."

- I think Franklin was the one, um,

flying the kite in a thunderstorm with lightning.

- Oh, yeah, I guess you're right.

But, see, that goes to show that no one's perfect.

- Well, I guess your twerpy brother got the last laugh.

- Not quite. - Really?

- I have here some very rare footage

that I just sh*t.

Let's go to the videotape.

- Whaa!

- Ferguson's first pimple.

I guess there is justice in the world after all.

- Hey, let's go to the instant replay.

- Whaa!

- And freeze!

Ferg-face gets his payback.

Gee, I could watch this all day.

- ♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na...

♪ Just do it

- "Clarissa Explains It All"

was taped at Nickelodeon Studios,

Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida.