01x08 - Limo

[bunniefuu]

good

hey jen

huh

which one of these would you wear i mean

if you could fit into it

leia since when do you care about my

opinion well i figure whichever you like

i'll wear the other one i gotta look

classy me and gaylord are going to a

dinner party in the hamptons guess how

we're getting there

ox cart helicopter russell stimstar

march use styling well i have exciting

plans myself you know really yeah alex

and i are going to order both cheese and

blueberry blintzes at the kiev and rent

not one not two but three forgettable

comedies from kim's video i feel so

sorry for you no need i got that covered

but you have such a boring life and your

boyfriend is cheap he's not my boyfriend

you don't have to defend him leia alex

is just a friend he's kind of nerdy but

you're not exactly hot so i guess it

makes sense when will you get it through

your thick brainless but i still

wouldn't put up with the cheaper routine

you could probably get someone else

maybe an old guy okay i admit it i give

up uncle alex and i are going at it like

rabbits why just the other day we were

riding the elevator to the top of the

world trade center oh my god you did it

there too oh isn't it the best

we gotta meet chaka and mecca in

chinatown in 15 minutes man let me

change my sneakers and we'll be out yo

bro you got some messages on your

machine it's probably the girls i bet

you they're gonna be late

what though what is this

oh man that girl has got me all agitated

oh your ex-girlfriend you messed around

for a week man i don't know what you

call that i knew she was crazy when i

met her but i didn't think she would bog

out on me like this i remember she's the

one who got all mad when you wouldn't go

shopping with her right she won't listen

to no she keeps calling me showing up

all over the place here they're

everywhere

man where do you meet these freaks well

i always had this thinking that catholic

school girls are hot so i'm supposed to

be my class at this museum to look at

mummies and big-ass naked people you

know and i see this bunch of girls

sitting on a bench

shaking things

get over here this patty chick has like

a little nose big chest combo thing you

know i'm digging it so i suggest we go

for a walk

you know what i mean yeah and naturally

my manly charms went her over and i'm

thinking all right of course turns out

she's mean and super jealous she put a

last boy in the hospital it was worth it

for a while but then she gets all clingy

it's like get off from me woman

the one woman in the whole world you

don't want to get with wants to get with

you

damn not home

it's like my everything sucks theory

come to life yeah i hate people me too

i'm sorry you can't smoke in here i'm

gonna track fruity down and make him go

out with me and any girl who goes near

him better watch herself i'm totally

serious uh i gotta get back for doctrine

and scripture

when's your suspension up patty friday

listen my parents don't know anything

about it so don't mention that i hit

marie brennan with a field hockey stick

okay i said you can't smoke in here

so what's in the mood for tonight

i wouldn't mind renting happy gilmore

again

where are all these people going i guess

they have better things to do than

worship at the shrine of adam sandler

are you saying that i'm boring no but my

social options are limited by the fact

that you're the only person i can

stomach for more than 30 minutes at a

stretch and of course leia's got some

adventure planned jen you know you don't

want to live like white yeah the nail

polish fumes would probably k*ll me

but i could use a thrill or two i mean

you know how many times can a person

watch billy madison i think we're up to

48. it's not fair that all the [ __ ]

bimbos get all the money fun and sex

yeah but it is logical

the pressure is building damn it you

know

if i don't get some action soon

i am gonna blow

okay

oh i gotta hit the atm

my account balance is now zilch zip zero

i am a daredevil i am a wacky chick with

a lot of cash stop waving that around i

am gonna rent me a stretch limo of

hipmobile proper that is ridiculous

maybe i can't get some skeevy old sugar

daddy to buy me things but i can still

take matters into my own hands you can

come along if you want i think i have to

because the thought of you riding around

in a limo by yourself is the most

pathetic thing i've ever heard of

i think choco's finally warming up to me

yeah tonight could be the night ah give

it up you're lucky if she passes you the

duck sauce

who keeps beeping you yeah what are you

secretly a doctor or something

hey goat guess where i'm calling from go

oh i didn't i didn't mean to interrupt

you

don't be sorry be safe

bye

yes i'd like to order a pizza half

mushrooms half pepperoni corn our house

cinnamon

oh now that we've recreated all the limo

antics we've seen in bad 80s sitcoms

i thought we were doing other movies

deadly boy

how about the toast to friendship to fun

to the artistry of norman fell america's

most underrated light comic actor

who

he played mr roper on three's company oh

yeah he was good he was brilliant

oh man down that baby

wow

it's only been an hour

what should we do now i don't know

let's ask the driver

excuse me sir

don't bang on the power privacy panel oh

sorry

um i just want to ask um what do people

usually do when they rent a limo well

they go to a strip club or the airport

jfk and stefan

oh

man

so that's pretty soon girlfriend i'm

gonna [ __ ] slap that stuck up poser

she's gonna regret going anywhere near

my man

whoever thought of putting shag

carpeting inside a car the same guy who

installed the dimmer switch

where's the bubble machine

the smell of pleather a known

aphrodisiac

this kind of reminds me of prom night

you didn't go to the prom

oh yeah i must be flashing back to

someone else's happy adolescence no such

animal you said you wouldn't be caught

dead at the prom but dead don't bring

that up again are you ever gonna forgive

me hey we were both supposed to boycott

and go to rocky horror instead but what

could i do i didn't know that anyone

would actually ask me and rebecca

stiller of all people

how could he break up with me oh goody

and now he's going with marissa hey why

don't you ask alex to take you he has

the biggest crush on you that way if

stewart changes his mind at the prom and

ditches marissa you can dump alex you

don't like him anyway plus you'll make

stuart jealous

isn't that mean

well yeah well if it makes you feel any

better rebecca ignored me and followed

stuart otis around all night i had to

sit with all her jock friends staring at

me like i was from vulcan or something

and she wouldn't even dance with me oh

but she was wearing this clingy dress

with little sparkly things

oh yeah it had a low back

her hair was all piled up and it was

honey color or wheat or something and

well you know she really wasn't a bad

person oh no she was an angel today on

court tv

gee judge i guess i did k*ll the guy but

i have really long eyelashes and quirky

breasts

okay then let her go you have a real

thing about pretty girls don't you a

thing listen i'm just going through a

really dry spell right now and it's

getting to me okay a really

lengthy dry spell sorry sorry

if it's any consolation i know what you

mean

it's been a long time

yeah

a long time

uh let's check out the tic-tac-toe

chicken

big time excitement

poor thing he's stuck in a box and he's

lonely wasn't that you that just ate an

entire plate of general chose chicken uh

i'm gonna bust that heck ahead

he whipped your ass it's rigged that's

the only explanation stand aside loser

stop i'm still playing oh out of my way

move

oh man she must have hypnotized the damn

thing she's got some like powerful

barbarella chick energy going on so

you're fruity's new girlfriend huh who

says so i've seen you all over them now

you better stay away from my man if you

know what's good for you chicks fighting

over fruity oh dude i'm tripping on the

msg hey it's not my fault that i'm

handsome young and sly

and then i had to throw it out the damn

tube of contraceptive jelly expired

how depressing oh at least count don't

oh yes they do no

yes they do there's a little day printed

on the wrapper check it out

oh no yeah

oh

god

leah probably buys her birth control

supplies in bulk hello price club

all right jen admit it you'd like to be

more like leia but you just don't have

the guts i mean what's with the baggy

clothes i know you have a body hidden

under there somewhere oh thanks for

noticing as if i'm the one who has a

problem with the opposite sex you obsess

over like fantasy goth girls so you

don't have to deal with real women with

actual human flaws

hey did i ever show you my weird toe you

know

this is typical

i try to have a serious conversation and

all you can do is cr*ck jokes i'm not

kidding i'll show you right here keep

your socks on mutant you have nothing to

complain about you're a girl you can get

laid anytime you want oh i can't stand

once i say that yeah sure i could if i

was entirely unchoosy and willing to

pick up a complete stranger in some

sleazy bar what's so bad they never get

anywhere with the guys i really want

yeah well

have you noticed the more you want

something the less likely it is you're

gonna get it

that's so deep have you been reading

those weird religious brochures again

i haven't had sex for so long i've

forgotten what it's like

i've heard stories from the big kids

check it out miss thinks she's all that

but isn't you leave fruity alone or i'm

gonna rearrange your snotty little

features you can't tell me what to do

you stupid

plaid girl

why don't you go back to our lady of the

perpetual pain in my ass

lord have mercy fruity

get over here don't start telling me

what to do woman

yeah he's my boyfriend and we're totally

in love and we don't care who knows what

are you gonna do about it damn that was

good what am i gonna do

i think you mean what are we gonna do

hey patty uh you don't really wanna be

messing up my handsome features

do you

thou shall not b*at up on people and

whatnot come on

all right

hey guys wait up shaka we're in love

remember come on let's get out

why are you running from a bunch of

girls those chicks are mean

like my

where is this girl headed staten island

genius

hey

look

the boat's free

hold up

hey

hold it

oh

okay this is it i really want you to

emoji okay okay

yes

yes

i hear leia faking it through the wall

all the time i hope the driver enjoyed

that

maybe you should just tell her the truth

that i wouldn't touch fruity with a

giant pole in like a gazillion years i

am not gonna let that [ __ ] intimidate

me okay

come on let's hide down here but if

you're not intimidated american do you

want to get your face bashed in i

thought you were for love and peace and

crap come on

this is ridiculous hiding in the can get

a grip on your hormones man find

yourself a nice girl

nice girls are okay but nasty girls ah

well

you're always making like you're some

sort of player i'm not a one-woman man

yeah 99 of the time you're a no woman

man i don't get you i've seen so many

fine foxes give you the vibe at my

expense and you just sit there while i

do all the work it's like you don't care

whether you get with them or not that's

the secret b what's the secret you gotta

be able to do without you know what i'm

saying see how it worked with patty

they come running when you act like you

don't want them oh i got you i just have

to learn to not want a better class of

females was that some kind of insult

patty must really love fruity to chase

him around like that

it's called stalking mecca too bad for

her that freddie has a crush on you yeah

well that explains the constant groping

all the time no one's chasing me

i'm so bummed mecca you gotta wait until

like you meet someone who really really

really really really likes you

but what if that never happens

let's just say i don't hook up with

anyone ever and then i'd be one of those

ladies online at the supermarket with

cat food and 20 yogurts my friends will

all move to the suburbs with their kids

and husbands and bird feeders and

basements and addicts

i live all alone except for the cats in

a studio apartment with doilies on

everything and wear hair nets and ugly

shoes and i die of like yogurt poisoning

they won't find me for weeks until they

smell that dead person smell which is so

disgusting mecca you're not supposed to

think like that

at least until you're like 25. what was

that

upper deck now

cafe you go for hair i'll go for eyes

damn i wish i didn't bite my nails

uh this might be a bad idea the best

friend's fooling around idea yeah could

ruin everything a definite possibility

and that would be bad huh yeah and not

bad in a good way

i mean can you imagine if i called you

one day and you're all like i was gonna

call you but you called me first and i'm

thinking was he really gonna call me or

was he just saying he was to cover up

the fact that he wasn't gonna call me at

all you know that would be so lame

yeah so it's probably not worth it nah

even though i'm sure you're a really

good kisser alex

now that we've decided not to continue

please refrain from torturing me okay

sorry

what are those arms or toothpicks i'd

rather be skinny than a butched out nun

like you yeah well how would you like it

if i drowned you in the damn hudson

actually uh that's the east river come

on you want some of this

maybe i do matt i can handle this myself

you're going down

that's my woman you tell her i can't

wait till we get home baby get it on

you're going to please your man wear one

of those little office you know those

nice little lingerie outfits you got

you're going to butter my corn we're

gonna steam it up salty hold up all

right hold up hold up hold up

there's no way i'm gonna get b*at up for

you

you pig shaka honey

he's not my boyfriend i was lying he's

just a friend

not even you should be happy you got rid

of his scheming ass

yeah you're probably right but most guys

don't even stay with me for the sex can

you believe it i scare them off that's

still no reason to put up with this crap

you gotta build up your self-esteem girl

yeah wait for someone who really really

really really really likes you

maybe

i'll try to stop bullying guys and

they're going out with me

that'll make you happy right

fruity rudy you know something plaid

makes me tingly i hear you look pretty

good naked oh fruity how could you i'm

gonna k*ll you

it's your dead meat katherine marie

you know we both deserve to meet someone

great damn straight we'll just have to

be patient

which sucks well yeah

maybe i'll refrain from openly mocking

my dates in the future a step in the

right direction and you my friend need

to obsess over a wider range of

inaccessible females i'll do my best

sorry to interrupt but your time you

know we weren't really fooling around

back here it was a joke hey i'm cool i'm

cool i've seen it all i'm telling you

one time this guy gets in with these two

hookers leopard skin hot pants the works

keeps the power privacy panel open

another damn exhibitionist right when

things are cooking up he stops gets down

on his knees and starts praying for

salvation he's like pray with me girls

and they go well you still got to pay by

the hour so they praying with them all

hooping and hollering we're sinners

we're sinners he's like forgive me and

crying and crap i guess it made him feel

better because he paid him dropped him

off and went home

alone

nice apartment building riverside drive

yeah went home alone

sometimes that's the smart thing to do

you know sex makes people do some really

weird things

well i think i'll just go home and make

myself happy so to speak good idea

your hands are clammy is that a come on

leave now i'll be thinking about you

you know sex makes people do some really

weird things

i wonder where fruity ended up i hear

staten island is really big

it goes on and on and on and on and on

damn we have to sit here for almost an

hour

you want to make out

sure

hmm