01x07 - Hotel Bar

[bunniefuu]

alex

yeah you like that alex

oh my god alex wake up ryan

oh damn man that was my favorite dream

that was this egyptian god and i had

this whole temple full of sl*ve girls

giving me

stop

mom told you not to talk that way around

me no order i'm hungry

i can't believe it's so early i hate

pulling the early shift

i can't believe it's so late i must have

been dancing for like seven hours

straight what do you think sounds better

chocolate eat pierogies two potato

pancakes and a hard-boiled egg or four

pierogies three potato pancakes and a

candy yuhu alex are these the big

decisions in your life damn don't you

ever bore yourself to death what my

life's not that when do you ever have

fun alex hey just cause i don't dry hum

random people on the dance floor while

some guy spins the same b*at over and

over yeah you'd prefer sitting alone in

the dark smelly room playing the same

video game over and over

god no he's got another one

hey alex man what's up hey ghost uh mind

if i pop a squat uh no um oh um this is

marlene oh

gotta go call my cousin how damn hard

can't be to take care of a 14 week old

baby geez

so uh what do you think of her um

she seems

nice um yeah that's the word i was

looking for she's pretty bitching but

she's starting to remind me of a sweaty

pair of tighty whities you know clingy

and all oh well i'll find someone else

tonight maybe sooner how do you manage

to keep getting these uh

women look you throw enough grills

against the wall eventually one of

them's got the stick uh metaphorically

speaking of course oh of course law of

averages you see if you dangle the meat

in front of 50 ladies chances are one of

them's not a

vegetarian no metaphor there no way man

you know maybe if you'd hang out with me

sometime instead of shoving boba fett

action figures up your ass you'd see for

yourself yeah well maybe someday what

about tonight huh don't tell me you have

plans alex the director's cut of lolita

was on last night it was i missed it

well anyway tonight's cool yeah man

we'll wipe that look at desperation off

your face stop by around 10 if you're

man enough then sit course for the booty

quadrant engage

go on alex when was the last time you

visited the booty quadrant hey i know i

need a chick okay but i still have my

dignity don't worry some gin will cure

you with that right quick see you around

hey what about

he forgot his booty

where'd desmond go

uh desmond said to tell you he'd be

right back oh

i'll tell him i had to run okay then

hey do you guys have any chance got some

money for diapers

you have to visit her

what's the point if she's in a coma

fine whatever

call me when you get back

men suck yeah i think lesbian

headquarters is still accepting

applications no date on a saturday night

jen you're used to it but me

oh the cable's still out i thought the

guy was supposed to fix it this

afternoon well he was here

but uh

we were talking and stuff and he didn't

quite get around to it

don't worry he's coming back probably a

few more times no cable now what am i

gonna do where's that skinny boyfriend

of yours alex he's not my boyfriend

anyway i think it's his turn to be

dungeon master or something

well i'm going out

you can tag along

no thanks i'd rather just sit here and

watch the static i think i'll check out

this fancy new hotel bar they have a

piano player and it's a great place to

cruise for rich guys leia if you're

trying to lure me off this couch at

least pick a place where i can get a

drink for under 12 bucks you don't have

to buy any drinks silly that's what the

men are for how 90s

i don't know it does sound kind of

amusing watching people more desperate

than me making fools of themselves and

i am out of room reason so okay count me

in great

you're not gonna wear that are you you

know i was just gonna ask you the same

question

hey man i didn't think you'd show come

on in just chill out for a little bit uh

i'll be in my room spanking it

that was quick yeah lots of practice uh

look you ready to go chase a little tail

i don't know goat maybe this was a bad

idea

i'm not so good at talking to girls i

feel like i say something stupid every

time i open my mouth first of all if

things go well they'll be the ones

opening up their mouths you gotta relax

man ladies can smell fear all the brute

33 on earth can't cover it up look if

you can't punch the clock when you're

vertical you'll never get horizontal

uh not

no

good man now let's go get some once more

into the breach

let's see that's what do we have here

silk satin

oh oh jen this is you that's me

gee thanks it's way too baggy on me but

you might fit into it

and the stripes will totally make it

seem like you're not so short

don't they have euphemisms where you're

from

alex welcome to o'sullivan's for the

only thing older than the bartenders is

the beer they pour

a couple of your finest there jerry

two more liquors coming up ah yes the

most delightful of international

cuisines is the buffet

oh oh that freaks that's gotta be the

worst smell in the world oh man not even

close a while back me and my buddies

took this jaw and we just started

putting all sorts of nasty stuff in it

spoiled milk old skin off of our feet

spits not piss once i even cut off a

chunk of one of my oh

yeah you guys didn't have pictionary it

was definitely the most horrible scent

you could imagine every once in a while

we'd open up the jar and make our guests

take a whiff

whatever happens

i'm not really sure man we stuck it in

the freezer to preserve it then we moved

out i guess someone

eventually it

chicken wings

uh hey goat

this place is kind of lame

and i think i'm gonna bail

easy young alex this is just where we

fuel up on free eats and cheap beer

don't worry man i'll take care of you

now

we drink

so where are you from i'm a new york

city boy

so here we are you and me in a couple of

hundred suits don't you wonder what

these guys could possibly have to say to

each other hey bob how's your new cell

phone it's great phil now i can spend

more time doing work and less time

dealing with my family and friends and

it's very handy sometimes i use it as a

butt plug

all right man you ready for a little

action you know what goat

might be the malt liquor but i think i

am ready for a little action

good evening knights of the round table

young arthur is here and he wants to get

liquor

hey this is alex he's in the market for

a little action

yo

alex this is big lou amman yeah cheese

and jimmy what's going on and this

here's polio we call him that because

he's got polio get any closer off kick

your ass now if you'll excuse us alex

and i have some personal space to inv*de

so is it everything you expected um yeah

actually this is exactly what i expected

tell you what man if you get lucky i'll

even spring for a rubber out of the

machine in the bathroom they got glow in

the dark once you know oh thanks but i

don't think come on alex i know these

girls all look clean and disease free

but you can never be too safe

gotcha

whoa alex check it out over at the bar

you want to take first cr*ck

uh

well

you saw her first so she's all yours

thanks man

now watch and learn oh i'm already

learning

hey there my name is buck rogers and i'm

here to make your twinkie go bitty bitty

bitty

huh

wanna play fetch you get down on old

fours and i'll throw you my bone

what you want to have sex

piss off

all right one down 49 to go so if the

asian markets continue to stabilize

i cannot foresee any reason what are you

what

please boring but rich think he's a

keeper haven't you caught your limit

yeah it depends on what you want

hey leia check it out

that woman over there you think she's a

hooker why do you say that i don't know

she looks kind of hookery fancy manicure

high heels cell phone oh she's totally a

hooker or a call girl or maybe an escort

that's right

i'll come over at midnight and we'll

have sex

then you'll pay me money cause i'm a

hooker

she is such a hooker don't you think so

lynn

beautiful

okay thanks for playing

yes

i'll give you a hundred bucks if i can

have this seat next to your friend

some businessman you are i would have

given it to you for a piece of gum

come on mary beth do it again all right

but this is the last time

all right man yeah all right

oh man

you are the most gifted woman i have

ever met that's what i always tell her

one time i even videotaped her and sent

it into america's funniest home videos

but they said they couldn't use it

because it would be a bad influence on

kids well i think it's a great influence

on kids

looks like we have a winner and then we

took 16 rejections

so

how would you get the name tini

oh this is a great story you're gonna

love it

see i was born with both girl and boy

parts and for the first few years of my

life everybody thought i was a boy but

what i had down there was small even for

a baby because every time my dad saw it

he cried at my mama why the hell is it

so teeny of course later on when my girl

parts started growing and the little nub

fell off it all made sense

don't worry everything's working fine

now

hey genie did you know that alex has a

steady job and makes minimum wage really

well i i also get a commission for big

orders and

finally they put on something i can move

so uh may i have this dance oh i thought

you'd never ask

you kids have fun now you're here

i can touch my nose with my tongue wanna

see

that's a pretty lame tune you know beg

pardon that tune it was so prissy and

proper now do my friend deny a favor and

play something a little more upbeat

friend what friend benjamin

franklin

that's andrew jackson

look captain knowledge do you want it or

not sure then quit talking and start

playing

yeah

that's more like it boss

but they let me go after a week because

of their policy against big earrings so

i came to new york to try and make it as

an actress but the only part i got was

as an extra in some crappy white snake

video

don't cry

and it wasn't even one of their good

songs

i mean i guess life doesn't always work

out the way we plan it

no it definitely does not

and the funny thing is no matter how bad

we think our own life is there's always

somebody out there who has it worse

yeah

except for you of course

nothing could be worse than being in a

white snake video

i always feel like somebody's watching

me

who's playing tricks on me

i always feel like somebody's watching

me

and they're watching you miss i'm not

wearing a bra even though i certainly

need one oh and they're definitely

watching you mister if i flash enough

cash tonight maybe the ladies will

ignore my comb over

oh come on

looks like your friend is stirring up a

bit of trouble over there

never mind her sweetie

tell me more

what do you like to spend your money on

you mean besides you

no that's stick to me

well

why don't we just see how tonight goes

oh i think tonight's gonna go just fine

alex grab your stuff we're getting out

of here oh great

well teeny

it was nice meeting you i'm sure i'll

see you around somewhere you'll see her

right now what do you mean i mean mary

beth invited us back to her place we're

so in man

in honor of this fine little lady i've

had the pleasure of meeting tonight

i've created a new cocktail i call it

the bloody mary bet oh

man you are so sweet you were kind of

low on bloody mary mix so i uh threw in

a little ragu

oh good

hey

hey girls you got a second yeah sure

what's up there you love machine yeah

baby

right uh listen

i'm i'm i'm gonna get going going you

can't go now you're about to find out

how many licks it takes to get to the

center of a tootsie pop man i mean look

at her she wants you yeah i know and

it's it's just that she's well she's

cool and all

i'm just not sure if she's the kind of

woman i usually go for alex my friend

don't you know that the key to happiness

can be found in three simple words use

the force no

lower your standards now go on set your

phasers on love and make me proud

come on baby i may not be fred

flintstone but i'm going to make your

bed rock

you are so funny

no

that price is not negotiable and if

you've got a problem with that i suggest

you talk to rico

excuse me ma'am ma'am excuse me but

there's something i've been meaning to

ask you all night are you a hooker

i said

are you a hooker what no not you i'll

call you back

am i a hooker is that what you're asking

me

don't worry i'm not a cop you enrico

fyi sweetie i happen to be an investment

banker specializing in emerging markets

rico is my boss now if you don't get

your drunk ass away from me i'm gonna

call security

what's the problem here this little

[ __ ] just accused me of being a hooker

hey i didn't accuse i just asked

politely you've got some nerve what's

the matter don't you think your friend

here can handle the competition what's

that supposed to mean relax baby you got

nothing to worry about you're much

prettier than her you're the prettiest

hooker here hey i am not a hooker you're

not no

great well if you're not a hooker and

you're not a hooker then where the hell

are all the hookers

you can b*at tony orlando and i'll be

your don

i'll lie down and be dawn and then

you'll get up and though you'll get up

hey

what are you staring at hey you in the

suit you wanna

do you want a piece of me

this is a revolving restaurant oh

no you really have to scrunch your face

up tight what you talking about wish

that's perfect you are so adorable

alex

lower your standards

hey

wanna hear a cool story um

sure okay

uh

one day me and some friends went to this

drive-through safari so there's all

these signs saying don't feed the

baboons we see this car parked in the

middle of the road with this huge ass

baboon sitting on the side mirror and

this guy is in the passengers and

feeding the thing peanuts you're really

cute

so i pull up next to him and i say man

aren't you scared and he's like scared

of these little bastards and he takes a

peanut and chunks it right at the baboon

so the baboon gets pissed and he reaches

in the car and he smacks the guy right

in the face then the guy smacks the

baboon in his face and hey alex that's a

great story and all but

are you gonna kiss me or what

uh yeah

i'm definitely gonna kiss you i'm gonna

kiss you right now

alex man get up quick we gotta get the

hell out my best husband's coming

husband who even knew she was married i

did you did well yeah mary beth said he

had a boxing match but it must have

ended early

damn this was gonna be the first time i

ever did it listening to enya oh great

you're bummed because you aren't gonna

get laid in new age style meanwhile i'm

gonna get my ass handed to me let's just

get the hell out of here right go for

the window

well well well what have we here calgon

take me away no you don't have to go

please stay so i can b*at the piss out

of you hey team hey hank

it's not what you think hey baby answer

me this who's more fun to do the dorky

one or the ugly one hey who are you

calling dorky i think i'm the dorky one

hank you've got it all wrong goat here

is uh

your new supplier mary beth was running

low and she wanted to surprise you uh

right um that's why we were uh climbing

out the window uh we thought you were

the cops man well i'll be damned i

almost k*lled our dealer i apologize

golda

i hope this doesn't put a strain on our

future business relations oh i think

we'll be able to get past it but maybe

your buds won't be as fluffy next time

all right

hey

if you're the dealer who's the kid him

oh he's my intern you know just for the

summer i'm learning a lot well good for

you and more importantly you're helping

others

hey

what are you doing oh

you know

just lying here

not throwing up for a little while

that's good we'll see how long it lasts

i guess you didn't have too much fun

last night you kidding i had a great

time well i'm glad to hear it plus i

still have 80 bucks left from what your

little friend gave me i can't believe he

gave you a hundred bucks

i wonder how much i could have gotten if

i went home with him

at least 110.

ow oh

i'm just glad you figured out that you

can have a fun night without bringing

home some random guy

uh

yeah does it feel like somebody watching

me

who's playing tricks on me

i always feel like somebody's watching

me

oh