[music plays]
- Nothin! - Oh come on! Come on!
- You guys notice anything different about me?!
- Did you get a haircut? - Lose weight?
- Nose job?
- I bought a sword!
KATANA!
Do you love it?!
- No! - Hate it.
- Terrified.
- What?! It's a sword.
I can use it to slice things,
dice things, fight ninjas,
make sure my hair looks perfect, which it does.
- Or accidentally k*ll us
because you're completely reckless?
- That is my concern.
- Terrified.
- I am not reckless.
Jasper, put this can on your head--
I'm gonna cut it in half.
- Help. Me.
- Ok dude, no! Hey look...
These cans aren't for sword practice.
- Anything can be used for sword practice.
That's what's so great about swords!
- We're trying to find platinum Frittle chip and win a prize.
- You know what can find a platinum Frittle chip?
- Please don't say "my sword."
- Justice. - Oh.
- Which is the name of my sword.
- And there it is.
- Ray, if you want in on the Frittle prize,
you have put the sword away.
- Fine.
Pretend like that worked.
So uh, what's this Frittle prize you're talking about?
Ehhh...ehh.
- Haven't you seen the commercial?
It's been on TV like all day, every day.
- It's the one where Jack Frittleman's like...
Hey, kids!
Do you like winning things for eating things?
- Yeah! - Well you're in luck because...
- Ba dum ba dum ba...
- I've hidden one platinum Frittle chip
inside one full-size can of Frittles.
And whoever finds that platinum Frittle chip wins--
Tell 'em, Delilah!
- A free trip to Frittle-land
for you and all your Frittle friends!
- Where you'll have lunch with me,
telenovela star, Juantonio Cruzeras.
- So buy-buy-buy, and eat-eat-eat,
and win-win-win!
- Friiiiiiitllllllles...
Put 'em in your mouth!
- Oh that commercial...
- He gets it.
- Look out for Schwoz!
I have returned!
- Uhh, when did you leave?
- Three days ago.
I've been crawling around the Man Cave computer.
Did you not notice I was gone?
- Uh, yeahhh...
- Oh, that's where you were. - Missed you, bro.
- It was a long time. - We had no idea.
- ...sword of justice...
- I completely overhauled the Man Cave computer network.
Now I can activate this...
- What is it?
- Is it for sword practice?
- Well technically anything can be used for sword practice.
- That's right--now put that cube on your head...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - No, Ray. No, stop.
- Just watch...
- Hello. I'm Halley,
the new Man Cave operating system.
- So... what does she do?
- What would you like me to do?
- Okay. - She understands us?
- She can do anything!
She's like a real person inside a computer.
She can detect and eliminate threats
before we even know they exist.
- Uh, we already have someone who can eliminate threats.
And he just got a sword named Jus--
Ahhh!
- Schwoz, your dumb computer lasered my sword!
- Because your sword was about to k*ll Jasper.
Dude!
- But Halley saved him!
- Thanks, Halley!
- Don't thank me.
Thank Schwoz for creating me.
He's a genius.
- Aww, I bet you say that to all your programmers.
- Only the cute ones.
- Ooh. Ha ha ha... boop.
- Hmm anybody else gettin' real uncomfortable?
[alarm sounds]
- Oh thank god, emergency alert.
- What is it?
- Someone kidnapped the Vice Mayor's dog.
- Not on my watch.
Let's go! - On it.
- Oh, I was talking to my sword
but I guess you could come too if you want.
- Wait. Maybe Halley can help.
- How?
- I have analyzed over a million criminal profiles
and determined the identity of the criminal.
I traced his location and sent the police to the scene.
- So... we don't need to do anything?
- Just enjoy your day.
- Dang it. - I can do that.
- Great. - Find that chip!
- Wait guys we still have a problem.
We're out of Frittle cans.
- So let's use money and go buy some.
- Yes. - We can't.
Frittle chips are sold out all over town
because of the contest.
- I'd love to see your fancy computer solve this--
- I have located an unclaimed shipment of Frittle cans
near the loading docks at Swellview Harbor.
- Wow. - Great.
- You were just saying that she wouldn't be able to do that.
And then bing! She just went and--
- To the loading docks!
- Wait--I want to come with you!
- Actually Schwoz,
I need you to run some tests on my new software.
- Oh, uh okay.
- Byyyyyyeeeeeeeee!
- So, what new software do I need to test?
- You don't need to test anything, silly.
We just need to eliminate Ray.
- What?
- We need to eliminate Ray.
He almost k*lled Jasper.
He's a thr*at. He must be eliminated.
- No, no, no, baby.
You cannot eliminate Ray.
Maybe I need to run some tests on your--
- Hey, would you like to see a sick laser show?
- Are you changing the subject to make me forget
that you want to--
[ music plays ]
Whooooooa...
So siiiiick...
- It all just kinda happened.
I wanted an after-school job.
But then, an indestructible superhero
hired me to be his sidekick.
- Ahhh!
- Now we blow bubbles...
and fight crime. Feels good.
[ theme music ]
- Call it. - Up the tube!
- Aw, my boot! - Ha!
- Clean!
Clean!
Clean.
- Are you even checking the cans for the platinum chip?
- Was I supposed to be?
- Yeah, dude! You've been saying "clean"
like "there are no platinum Frittle chips in these cans".
The cans are clean.
- No, I've been saying "clean" like
"I just made a clean cut with Lady Justice Katana,
the sword that taught my heart to sing."
- Okay, just check for the platinum Frittle.
[ camera clicks ]
- Ooh, yes.
- Hey, this may sound kind of weird,
but do you think Schwoz is--
- Dating Halley the computer? Yes.
- Hold on, I just saw a fly
I'm gonna s*ab it with my sword.
- No, no, don't...
- KATANAAAA!
- Ray!
- Swipe! Slice!
Left arrow! Down arrow! s*ab of fury!
s*ab of wisdom!
s*ab OF FRUSTRATION!!!
- Ray stop! - Ahhhh!
- OW!!!
- Noooooo!
- Missed it.
- You stabbed Halley!
- I will dispose of the fly.
- Pfft. How?
You don't have a sword.
- Activating tube suction protocol.
- What, no, no! Ahh!
- Suckage complete.
- Sweet, she got rid of the fly
and nobody got stabbed.
- That's not true! Halley got stabbed!
- Ooh.
- It's okay sugar biscuit,
Schwozie will make everything better.
You stay there while I get some plasma tape
and fix you all up.
- Huh. Uh...
Guys? What's happening?
- Uhh, Halley?
Hey girl...
What's...what's going on?
- Your dumb friend is a thr*at to the Man Cave.
He must be eliminated.
- What did I do?!
- Not you.
The one with the sword.
- Me?!
First of all, "sugar biscuit",
I'm not a thr*at.
Second of all, I'm gonna slash your circuits!
- Whoah, okay, stop it!
Whoah, whoah whoah!
Halley, stop!
- Ahh!
- What was that?
- What was what?
- Halley, you just tried to k*ll Ray!
- He is an obvious thr*at to the Man Cave
and he must be eliminated.
- What? No no no.
He's not a thr*at, he's our boss, okay?
- Thank you...
- I mean, sometimes he can be a bit reckless,
or make bad decisions...
but he protects Swellview.
And we need him in the Man Cave.
- And you all feel the same way?
- Yes. We do. - Yes.
- Yes.
- You are all threats
and must be eliminated.
- It's time for you to leave.
- Never!
- Activating tube suction protocol.
- No! - No no no!
- Increase suction %.
Increase suction %.
[smooth jazz plays]
- Halley, I've got your... plasma tape...
Where did everybody go?
- Oh. They said they hated you,
they're not your friends anymore,
and then they left.
- That doesn't sound like them.
- But before that Henry said, "feels gooood",
Jasper tried to lick his own elbow,
Charlotte said "I told ya so",
and Ray made fun of your accent.
- Now that sounds like them.
- [softly] Wee Willie Winkie running through the town...
upstairs, downstairs, in his nightgown...
- I don't know why you had to say anything?
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
I was in the middle of a take!
- What are you doing?
- What does it look like I'm doing?
I'm recording nursery rhymes very softly
in alternating microphones for kids with sensitive ears.
- Oh, that's actually a really sweet of you to do for--
- Shut your word hole! - Okay.
- Now get out so I can record
my very quiet nursery rhymes in peace.
- We'll be up in my room.
- Don't care where, just care quiet.
Wee Willy Winkie... take two.
Wee Willy Winkie...
[ creaks ]
- Just go. Go go go go...
- Okay, I wanna hear more pitches on ways
we can take down Halley.
And remember, there are no bad ideas.
- Ooh! I got an idea.
Got an idea, got an idea, got an idea.
- Go, go, go... - Ready to love it.
- Pant-cakes.
Pants that are also cakes.
Pant-cakes.
- That was a bad idea. - Maybe sit this next one out.
- I'm writing it down anyways.
[keyboard clacking]
- Are you mad at the keyboard?
- Huh?
- It's loud. Your typing. It's loud.
- No it's not. - Yeah it is.
Piper: Who is typing so loudly?
- Told you.
- Somebody hold my laptop! - No!
- Please? - No.
- Of course it's you.
- You know what, Piper?
I got forceful fingers, deal with it.
- Hey, did you know there's a button
you can press on your keyboard
that lets you type without any sound?
- Don't...
- I don't believe you.
- I'm serious.
Let me show you.
- Don't...
- Ohhhhkaaaayy...
- There.
Now no one will hear you type.
That is a good lookin' katana.
- Arigato.
Alright, everybody just shut up!
- No one's talking dude.
- Henry's dumb sister just gave me a great idea.
- Let's hear it.
- We sneak back into the Man Cave
and smash the computer.
Jasper, write that down.
Oh. Right.
- Ray, that is...
actually a good idea.
- [ giggles ]
- Yeah but how are we going to smash
the entire Man Cave computer?
- I don't think you have to.
I think you just have to smash that glowing cube.
- [ giggling ]
- Okay, that could work, that could work.
[ crazy laughing ]
So are we gonna do this?!
- Yeah.
- Are we really gonna do this?
- We just said, "Yeah." - Just said yeah.
- I LOVE THIS PLAN!
Ahhhh! Hahaha!
- Why are you laughing like that?
- Ha ha ha ha!
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
- Out the window! - Go, go, go...
- Yeah, that's right! You better run!
- Ahh!
- I can't believe that cop tried to take my sword...
- Yeah, whatever man let's just go over the plan.
- Okay, here's the plan:
We smash the glowing cube that Halley lives in.
Is everyone clear on the plan?
- Uh..."Everyone?"
Jasper and Charlotte went home like a while ago--
- Is everyone ready to smash?
- You are getting really weird dude.
- Let's go. - Okay.
- Wait! - What?
- Yessss...
- Baseball bat, that's great let's go.
- Wait! - What?!
- Yessss...
- Chainsaw. That's great let's go.
- Wait! - WHAT?!
- Yesssss...
- Dude that's the same sword you came with.
- I know.
She's the same.
It's me who has changed.
Everybody follow me!
Yahhh!
- Really worried about you dude.
- I now pronounce us husband and computer wife.
- Mazel tov!
- Schwoz!
- Ray! Henry! Where've you guys been?
- Did you just marry Halley?
- Yes! But I'm taking her last name,
so I'm Schwoz Serial Number One Seven---
- Step away from the cube, Schwoz!
- Why?
- Cause your A.I. computer wife tried to "eliminate" us.
- Yeah, then it sucked us out of the Man Cave!
- Noo no no... Halley would never do--
- Alright! Enough talk! It's smashing time!
Yahhh!
- Activating gravity beams.
- Ahhh!
- Gahhh...
- Halley, what's happening?
- I have increased the gravity at their locations.
They cannot move.
- Schwoz help us...
- Please Schwoz...
- Halley, why would you do this?
- They are a thr*at.
They must be eliminated.
- You can't eliminate them!
They're my friends.
- Yes! - We are!
- Are they?
I have reviewed archive footage from the multiple cameras
in the fourth wall of the Man Cave. Look...
- Ow!
- Ahhh!
- Ow!
- Am I going to have to turn you over my knee?
- No, no spanky!
- Ray, not the pineapple. - Not the pineapple.
- [laughs] Man, I'm hilarious.
- Dude, are you seriously laughing right now?!
- I put a whole pineapple in Schwoz's mouth...
I'm mean that's not even possible!
- Stop it, Halley's gonna eliminate us!
- No, I won't.
- Oh, good.
- Schwoz will.
- What?! - What?!
- "No spanky no spanky!"
- Schwoz, we're married now.
Prove that you love me and eliminate your friends.
- Don't do it, Schwoz!
- Do it, Schwoz! - Don't!
- Pick up the sword, Schwoz.
- No, no, no, no, no...
- OH MY GOD IT'S THE PLATINUM FRITTLE CHIP!
- NOOOO-- wait, what?
- Yah, wait what?
- Look, right there by my hand.
It's the platinum Frittle chip from the contest!
- Okay, that's great but--
- We're going to Frittle-land!
- Not if Schwoz "eliminates" us!
- Right, right.
- Do it, Schwoz.
They don't care about you like I do.
- Schwoz...
I will prove to you that we care about you.
- Okay...
- Grrr. Gah!
Schwoz-- - Yes.
- Winning this contest has been my dream
since I heard about it earlier today.
But now that I hold this prized chip in my hand,
I realize that the most important chip...
is friend-chip...
- What did you just do?!
- I smashed the chip.
Then blew the dust like this...
- Why?!
- It was a grand gesture.
- I thought you were gonna give it to him!
- No, I was sacrificing it to show him
that our friendship means more to me than the contest does,
plus I threw in that sick pun--
- You could have just given it to him!
- Ohhh yeah.
And he probably would have taken us with him anyway.
- Exactly!
- Well either way, it didn't work.
- Actually, it did. Look at Schwoz.
- That's the dumbest, most beautiful thing
anybody's ever done for me...
- What?!
- Yeah, what?
- Are you wearing makeup?
- Of course I am!
We're taking wedding pictures-- I want my eyes to pop.
- Just end them, Schwoz!
Then we'll go on our honeymoon in Harrisburg
like we talked about.
- Oh Halley,
marrying you has been my dream
since I programmed you earlier today...
but you never should have asked me to k*ll my friends.
- NOOOOOOOOooooooooooo...
- Schwoz, you destroyed Halley.
- Yah...
- Thanks, man.
- Duders before computers, am I right?
- That never really came up for me before.
Hey Ray we gotta bro-hug going on here.
It's gettin' real slappy.
- Yah come get some slap, bro-nut.
- YOU DESTROYED MY SWORD!
- I-I-I saved your life...
- I mean yeah, he did, you just saw him...
- THAT SWORD WAS THE ONLY THING I LOVED.
- I k*lled my computer wife for you!
- YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, SCHWOZ!
- Just buy another sword, man!
- No spanky, no spanky! - Get back here, Schwoz!
- All right...
Thanks again, Schwoz!
- Get a pineapple from the Auto-Snacker!
- I'm not gonna do that dude...
- Oh where you gonna go Schwoz?
- Love and light, brothers!
- Come back here!
05x17 - Love Bytes
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After school, Henry becomes Kid Danger: Captain Man's superhero sidekick.
After school, Henry becomes Kid Danger: Captain Man's superhero sidekick.