01x17 - Drop the Needle/Really Gross Anatomy

[bunniefuu]

[THUNDER BOOMING]

[GHOSTLY VOCALIZING]

[BAND PLAYING]

[RAP b*at PLAYING]

[HARD ROCK PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

[BATS SCREECHING]

[BATS SQUEAKING]

[AUNT LYDIA LAUGHING]
Ah!

Oh, look, someone forgot
to take out the trash.

Hey!

Klaus,
you're incorrigible.

[CHUCKLING]

Ha-ha!
Yeah, sweet burn.

Bye now!

[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]
"Trash."

Wait a...

Aunt Lydia's casket.

I'm gonna polish that thing
till it gleams.

[GHOST WAILING]
Rag!

Rag... Whoa!

Door: guarded.

Surprise: maintained.

She is gonna love this.

It'll make up for all
my goof-ups lately.

Oh!

[CRASHING]
[AUNT LYDIA SCREAMING]

[GASPS]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

And show her how responsible
I'm becoming.

I can't lose.

Hey, what's with this weird
old horn box?

It's a music player from
like 200 years ago.

It's the most modern thing
she owns. See?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ It's a long way
to Transylvania ♪

[SCRATCHING RECORD]

[LAUGHS] Nice!

Yeah, keep doing it!

[SCRATCHING RECORD]
[BEATBOXING]

♪ Aunt Lydia,
she's so cold

♪ Listens to music
a thousand years old

♪ I don't know why
she don't bury them beats

♪ Throw 'em away
like bell bottoms or pleats ♪

Kick it!
KLAUS: Mavis!

Ahh!

[SCREAMING]

Phew, it's only you!

Also, ew.

What do you want?

I-I need your help.

Ha! As if.

Fine.

Oh!

Then, I'll tell Aunt Lydia

you broke the needle
on her gramophone.

It'll be the end of
the Dark Mavis Years,

and the start of a new
glorious era:

The Age of Klaus!

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Or I could just get
a new needle.

Oh, they're very rare.

But I know
where to get one!

Or don't help me.

I'm curious to see
your punishment.

[LAUGHING]

Maybe skimming
Dr. Gillman's pond?

Ew, ugh! Ah!

[SIGHING] Fine!

I only came in here
to help Lydia,

so I guess it all
works out in the end.

What's your problem?

Besides your wardrobe choices
and personality?

[GIGGLING]
Get out!

[MAVIS GIGGLING]

Wow, ashamed much?

How bad is it?

I don't know how
to become a bat.

Seriously?

[SUPPRESSING LAUGHTER]

[UPROARIOUS LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

[SIGHING]

Oh, that was fun.

Especially when it snowed
in the hotel!

But why are you
asking me?

[SIGHING]

My parents tried to teach me
but it never took.

I faked my way through it.

I've made excuses for decades,
and everyone's suspicious.

Please!

Never thought I'd say this:
I feel for you, Klaus.

Every vamp should be able
to bat out.

I'll help.

[GASPING] Wonderful!

For your sake, I hope you can
do it before bedtime.

Bedtime? Why?

Every night
as Aunt Lydia tucks her
old bones into her casket

she plays her favorite record,
using her...

[GULPING] Gramophone.

Holy rabies!

Hey!

Whoa!
PEDRO: Rude!

Klaus is going to
ruin my life

unless I teach him
how to bat out,

'cause he has no clue
how to do it!

[LAUGHING BOISTEROUSLY]

I know, it's hilarious,
but there's no time to waste!

[LAUGHING]

Oh.

I need you guys
to cover for me.

If I can't teach Klaus
by bedtime,

Aunt Lydia'll try to listen

to her favorite song
on the horn box

and find out I broke it!

Don't worry, we got this.

Good.

If I fail, I'm going to end up
neck deep in pond scum!

That's not so bad!

The trick is getting
the temperature just right.

It's easy.

All you have to do
is think like a bat.

But how am I supposed
to do that from up here?

Same way my dad taught me.

You can do it, Mavy Wavy.

Watch me!

[GASPING]

Daddy, you're like
a superhero!

Now, you try.

[SCREAMING]

Woo-hoo, I'm a superhero!

Better!
You're a Dracula!

Just let go
and let bat,
like this!

Show off.

You can do it.

Just trust your instinct!

[TAKING DEEP BREATH]

Ahhhhh!

[CRASHING]

Not quite,
but sweet landing.

This should help you feel
like a bat,

and reveal the bat within.

Did Count Dracula do this
with you?

Yeah, not so much.

I'd already figured it
out by now.

All right, Klaus.
Flap your arms!

Squeak like a bat!

Uh, squeak, squeaky squeak!

Okay, flap, squeak,
and use echolocation!

Squeak, squeak!
Echolocation!

Echolocation!

[SQUEAKING]

Ha-ha! It's working!

It's working!

Ahhhh!

Um, y'know, being a bat
isn't that important.

Mavis, if I'm
discovered like this

they'll send me
to the Vampitorium!

It's not so bad, really.

As long as you like
diet soda.

[BOTH SHUDDERING]

AUNT LYDIA: [YAWNING]
I'm off to my casket.

Already?

Oh! Okay!

Well, uh,
scary dreams!

Tell the g*ng
she's coming!

I hope they're
ready for her.

She's here!

Ahhh! What do we do?

I have a perfect plan.

We memorize the record
she listens to,

hide in the closet,

and perform it exactly
without her ever finding out!

I love it!

It's so easy!

[SINGING NOTES]

[CLEARING THROAT]

♪ Me-me-me-me-meeeee

Bro, you sound good.

After we fake a record,
we gotta make a record!

Down low!
Yeah!

Uh, what's she going to do
with that?

[GASPING]

Please, Uncle Gene!

He's stuck this way
and we're running
out of time!

The only way to shake off
half-bat-ism

is to push it
to the extreme!

Force your body to choose.

Take a flying leap off
a tall castle or something.

Thanks, Uncle Gene!

But I wouldn't do that
if I were you!

No way that ends well.

How often
do his ideas work?

I want to say... never.

We have no choice.

I can't stay like this!

I need to bat out.

And I need that needle
or Aunt Lydia will end me.

Or at least the part of me
that feels joy.

She is impressive.

But more than that, I actually
sort of want to help you.

[GIGGLING]

Stop that!

Sorry, your ears
are just so cute.

I'll jump with you,
hand in hand,

and wait for you
to bat out,

unless we're about
to pancake out.

Mavis, you are not
entirely awful.

[GASPING]
Oh, gee, thanks.

Can't believe the only reason
I'm in this mess

is because I tried
to do something nice.

I hope you learned
your lesson.

In three, two, one...

Jump!

[KLAUS SHRIEKING]

Do it, bat out!

I can't!

I think I actually
feel guilty! Gross.

Huh?

Mavis, I don't have a needle!

I barely know what one is!

You played me?

Just bat out already!
Quick! Now!

[KLAUS SHOUTING]

Klaus?

Klaus! Klaus?

[KLAUS GIGGLING]

The Age of Klaus begins.

Yes, congrats!

Now I'm going to end you!

[KLAUS SCREAMING]

MAVIS: Get over here!

Why are you such a jerk?

And how'd you get
so good at flying already?

[KLAUS LAUGHING]

The student eats
the grasshopper!

Or something.

[YAWNING]

When she turns on
the horn box,
start singing.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, did
we forget to learn the song?

Oh man, that!

MAVIS: Hey!

[KLAUS LAUGHING]

Come back here!

Ahhh!

The needle, it's broken off!

What have you done?

Yeah, Klaus,
what have you done?

[LAUGHING]

What a coincidence!

Uh, we heard Klaus
did something awful

so we came to see!

Yeah!

Way to go, Klaus-ssssh!

Everyone, out!

Except for Klaus.

You have a very
specific job now.

♪ It's a long way
to Transylvania ♪

KLAUS: No!
It's weird.

I'm still mad at Klaus
for playing me,

but I feel kinda sorry
for him too.

[SHUDDERING] Yep.

Worst payback ever.

♪ And the neatest vamp
I know ♪

You keep your wing
right there all night.

If the music stops,
I'll know,

and tomorrow, you can skim
Dr. Gillman's office pond.

How do I turn back into me?

[BATS SQUEAKING]

Hey! Whoo! Hee-hee!

Hi, Mavis!
[PHONE SHRIEKING]

Dr. Gillman's office,
Mavis speaking.

Please hold.

"Please hold." How fancy!

I've taken over managing
Dr. G's office

in an effort to make things
more efficient.

Case in point,
I've re-arranged the bones

in the anatomy skeleton
in alphabetical order.

[CLATTERING]

Yes.

Thanks for that.

So efficient!

Your dad's gonna be impressed
to the Drax.

That's the idea.

Windy Bleb!

Oh, that's me!

Sort of.

Now, say "Ahhhh!"

Ahhhh!

Ha!

Sucker.

I didn't say
"Dr. Gillman says."

MAVIS: [ON INTERCOM]
Dr. G?

Your next patients are here.

Uh, well...
the rest are still here.

Roger that!

Who's Roger?

Now, to inflate
your e-goo.

I'll be right back!

Um, Dr. Gillman?

I think I might be
over-inflating?

[expl*si*n]

Wendy?

WENDY: Over here.

And here.

And here?

I know how this looks.

But it's actually much,
much more serious.

WOMAN: Knock-knock!

I'm Polly Hemus, from the
Monster Medical Board.

I'm kind of with a patient
right now!

All back together!

I wasn't actually due
for another two years,

but then someone insisted
I come today.

That'd be me!

See how well I can run
your office?

But they were on my
"Do not call" list.

Yep!

That's why I sent
a carrier bat.

You are wise beyond
your years.

Anyway, how
can we help you?

Every 500 years
we re-test monster doctors,

to make sure they know
their cloven hooves

from their hind claws.

I'm here for a Dr. Gillman?

Of course,
he's right over...here?

Or at least he was.

Where'd he go?

Eh, it can wait.

I'm exhausted.

But when you do find
Dr. Gillman,

tell him testing begins
tomorrow at sunset.

Pass and we're all good.

But fail...

And he'll be stripped
of his credentials,

tossed from the hotel,

and be left with nothing

but a sticker
with an unhappy face.

[GASPING DRAMATICALLY]

Well, ta for now.

Is she gone?

Uh, yeah.

What's with the hiding?

[GASPS]
Are you in love?

How romantic.

Their eyes, well, eye,

met across the medical waste
pond of the doctor's office.

This is medical waste?

C'mon, Dr. G.

No reason to be worried.

No one likes taking tests,

but at least this is one
you'll totally ace, right?

Right?

So is that a no
on the love match, or...

[SLURPING]

HANK:
Man, Dr. Gillman
sure looks sad.

PEDRO:
Yeah, I know,

dude can't even
feed himself.

I wonder why?

Is it possible he's nervous
about the test?

Maybe we should give him
a pep talk.

Alright!

Hey, what's up, doc?

I'm not a real doctor!

I'll never pass that test!

[GASPING]

But you've been
the hotel doctor
since forever.

How could this be?

Well...

Say "tracheotomy."

DR. GILLMAN: There I was,
just minding my own business,

photo-bombing a group of
medical school grads,
and blammo!

They handed me a stethoscope
and said I was good to go.

I've just been winging it
all these years.

But if I'm not
the hotel doctor anymore,

I'll be kicked
to the curb with nothing.

Nothing!

[SOBBING]

Not true.

You'll get a sticker!

[DR. GILLMAN GROANING]

Thanks to all my office
improvements,

I kind of feel like in a way
this is sort of my fault?

[SLAPPING]
Ow!

Okay, fine,
it's a lot my fault.

Ow.

But if being over-efficient
got us into this mess,

maybe it'll get us
out of it too.

To the medical library!

We have a medical library?

[SKULL CACKLING]

The Mummies Guide to Medicine,

Eyeball Soup
for the Undead Soul,

Eat Praying Mantises...

Ouch!

Ooh, tentacle burn!

Ow, ow, oh!
Ow, ow, ow, ow!

I can help with that.

No!

Uh, heh,
I mean, no thanks.

I'll wait for a real, um...

You were going to say
"doctor".

What? No, I wasn't.

I was going to say real...
emergency!

Yeah, like if my arm
is going to fall off.

Yeah, like that's such
an emergency.

Anyway, by tomorrow
you will be a doctor again.

For reals this time.

We've got one day to teach you
everything in these books!

[CACKLING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE]

[GASPS]

So? Are you ready?

Uh, not really, no.

All this one did
was whisper

"medicine tastes terrible"
over and over.

But that's all I know!

It's test o'clops!

[LAUGHING]

Shall we?

[SIGHING]

Listen,
you can do this.

You've been faking being
a doctor your whole life.

Just keep being you.

Hey, you're right.

I can do this in my sleep.

In fact, I have
many, many times.

Just be me.

Shall we?

First up is
bedside manner.

Your breath stinks
like roses.

Your hairdo went out of style
centuries ago.

Oh, and you have
five years to live.

Wait, no,
read that wrong.

Five days.

So, still enough time
to fix that hair.

[SOBBING]

Too much?

Okay, how 'bout we try...

Baby delivery.

Yes!

I've delivered
tons of babies.

And at least half went
to the right parents.

See?

So remember:
follow your instincts.

Instincts, gotcha!

That's it, just breathe
in through your nose,

and then out
through your mouth.

[GROWLING]

This is how I used to do it
on the blacktop!

[LAUGHING]

Ha-ha!

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.
Oh no!

[SPLAT]

Maybe name that one
Scrambled.

[PEDRO LAUGHING]

Okay, new plan:
don't follow your instincts.

I can't believe
I'll have to move

from the only home
I've ever known.

Where will I store my rare,
fragile, antique fang scales?

[CRASHING]
PEDRO: I'm okay!

The rare, fragile, antique
fang scale broke my fall!

Whoa!

Uh, little help?

[GASPING] That's it!

Mrs. Hemus said the final part
of the test is surgery.

Surgery?
That's not my strong suit.

No, we can use Hank.

All of his parts come off
and stick right back on.

Easy queasy.
Ow!

I have just the leech
to fix that!

I've been starving Jasper
for days.

[CHOMPING]

No, no, no, I'm good.

Besides, we've got
a Frankenstein to deconstruct.

Good luck, Hank.

Hank?

Yeah, I kinda
dropped the gurney
on the way over here

and then just sorta stuck him
all back together.

You can hardly tell.

Okay!
This is a huge problem.

Dr. Gillman won't be able
to fix him now!

So we need a new surgery
patient, stat.

And ow!

Aww, how pretty.

It's like a goo-globe,
all ready for Creepmas.

[GASPING]

I guess there's only one thing
left to do.

Mavis?
You're my surgical patient?

I didn't think you had
any confidence in me.

I do!

But I don't have any idea how
to be a medical professional.

Are you sure about that?

You've taken care of us
for years.

You squeezed Wendy
out of the tube

when she was
just a blobette.

You gave Hank
that gangrenous thumb.

You took out Pedro's tonsils.

Yeah, and I didn't
even need 'em out!

You can do this.

Do it your way.
The Gillman way!

Okay, I will.

And don't worry,

I've never lost a patient
on the operating table.

I mean, a lot have d*ed,
but I haven't lost any of 'em.

[GULPING]

I believe in you!

[ALARM BLARING]

[expl*si*n]

I may only have one eye,
but this looks good to me.

Congratulations,
Doctor Gillman.

[ALL CHEERING]

I guess all those years
faking being a doctor
really paid off.

[GIGGLING] Yep.

But you're official now.

And if anyone would know,
it's her.

Actually, I never went
to inspector school.

I just wandered
into their class photo,

got a clipboard,
and here I am.

Well, see you
in 500 years!

[GASPING]

Mavis, what was that?

What is going on
in here?

Um, long story.

Well, come, Dr. Gillman,

I've been looking
all over for you.

The corns on my feet
have grown angry.

[CORNS HISSING]

[GASPING]

You wanted to be
a doctor again.

I'll get some
butter and salt.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[VOCALIZING]