[Music]
i look stupid daddy i'll cut the
complete idiot oh come on it's for the
play
really and besides you're lucky my
mother used to dress me like this for no
reason whatsoever
what are you supposed to be danny that
thing growing on your grandmother's neck
he's a parrot dad that's his costume for
tonight's variety show
why isn't his mother sewing that's a
girl's job yeah well his mother's in
france right now giving new meaning to
the words lucky pierre
besides come on man's jaw woman's job
you know what's the difference i'm
trying to teach danny that we're all
created equal but never take a shower
with will chamberlain danny
you know i really don't have time for
that today i'm not kidding dad that's
your uncle larry he's gonna drive you to
school go upstairs get your backpack
and don't ever correct me in front of my
son again whatever you say betsy ross
hey larry hi guys look at you
well what are you bench pressing now
about 260.
why don't you put ropes on their pants
and let them float down fifth avenue
larry
you're reading danny's launch larry
larry do something
jeremy jackson jordy put danny's lunch
down
uh it's okay stephen i'll buy danny's
lunch
oh look here's my ticket for the variety
show tonight huh i don't think she's
going yeah
she'd rather sit home with her robe open
going
i wonder who's on matlock
hey dad are you sure you want to go
tonight i mean you never used to go to
these shows when we were kids well dad
came to my shows you did
hey give me that
i'll take my friend pete peters just
don't say anything about his prostate
operation he doesn't want anybody to
know he had one i didn't know he had a
prostate operation that's what
everybody's saying
maybe yeah we should wait till i talk to
ma trust me stephen she's not going she
has a date tonight
i mean a date a date and like a date
date yeah fourth one this week
gee
it's not even a month she sure didn't
waste any time
not really
i'm not making this up who is it that
irish guy from from the shell station
i don't know who it is ask her
let's go kids come on hey look at danny
don't get any wrong ideas that's not a
real carrot remember oh yeah like it
would matter
hey pop come on
please you know how larry exaggerates he
was talking about dating he wasn't
talking like a kind of man-woman thing
there's probably like you know traveling
past or there's like one person can call
an ambulance sort of thing you know
is that right come on dad you all right
yeah yeah
i was just thinking how
hilarious kids look so much like your
mother
poor little guys
[Music]
you had a session with my mother
yes you aren't the only one in your
family with problems well hey no kidding
my aunt natalie twice a year goes up on
her roof with a bb g*n in the tinfoil
hats
but you didn't mention ever walking in
on me and tommy o'brien when we were 13
in the basement didn't you
it has nothing to do with you
oh then it's probably about all these
dates she's been having i can't discuss
this with you stephen haven't you ever
heard of doctor patient confidentiality
oh what patient come on she's uh excused
expression my mother
i'm not gonna talk about this with you
stop acting like a jerk you're acting
like a jerk
all right maybe i am i'm acting like a
jerk i'm sorry maybe you're right
perhaps i was like you know possessed by
some
pre-cinderfella jerry lewis thing for a
while you know
what did she say come on please tell me
i wouldn't even know she's my mother for
crying out loud she's the only woman
that ever saw me naked without quite
frankly mocking me
trying to tell me what is it what's
wrong i'm telling you myself
i think i'm a nymphomaniac
down here well i want to sit down who is
he
i met him at the senior community center
swim-a-thon
god i really don't want to know this
go on
he's the lifeguard there a lifeguard
you mean this man actually saw you in a
bathing suit yes stephen that bastard
and you mean like he used like
with all due respect like breath strokes
oh god and i only used that euphemism
to further my own revulsion
well then why do you think you're a
nephromaniac because i've started having
these thoughts dirty filthy thoughts
that i never had before it's like
i'm exploding
maybe your girl's a little tight huh
are you eating dairy again no
i think i'm having a sexual awakening oh
my please i thank you with all due
respect i think you should you know just
go back to sleep
and i say that with the utmost vial
coming up into my throat just with the
thought of all of this steven oh
don't be alarmed mrs mitchell a lot of
men have trouble thinking of their
mothers as anything but virgins
i hate to have to tell you this stephen
but i'm not a virgin
i mean i know you're not i mean i know i
wasn't you know born in a petri dish but
come on with all due respect this isn't
a little soon after leaving dad to go
check out other men's speedos maybe
i i don't know i'm so scared in 43 years
the only man that i have ever been with
in that special way it's your father
and all all my lady friends have heard
rumors that this man is like a machine
what about dad
oh well he's like a machine too
do you remember that old dishwasher that
we threw out because
it leaked whenever we turned it on
i'm losing consciousness now i'm not
kidding the tumors are growing they're
growing and mom i don't know what to say
to you except we really have a big
problem here we
this doesn't concern you steven she's
right stephen i'd say you're the one
with the problem here
well i'd say you're going a little over
the line here too counselor i'm sorry
but you're acting like an insensitive
jackass and i mean that in a buddy love
nutty professor sort of nice well i got
news for you i don't think i have a
problem here i mean i can handle this
i'm a professional and i happen to be a
big
adult
and mom look i'm sorry i mean you're
right i mean it's you know it's your
life and it's you know pardon my
language your body and uh no one has the
right to tell you what to do with it and
certainly not me you mean that stephen
absolutely i think you should just go
for it and hurrah you know
but seriously i i i think you know
whatever you decide to do i
i think you should be sensible about it
to yourself and fair and it should act
out of you know
i don't know
love and respect and not
you know vengeance or pain and and and
most of all i think you should be very
responsible oh i love you
oh i love you too
now i have to excuse myself
he took that much better than i thought
he would of course he's a very good
doctor
which is surprising to me because uh we
always thought he wouldn't amount to
much
he had a very big head when he was
little
42 years we were married pete
and just like that
one bump in the road and bam
she leaves me
yeah i know
at least my wife had the decency to just
die
not one of those long lingering deaths
either
one minute she was alive and then boom
dead
yeah
you were lucky
don't i know it
life sucks
i know that's why i drink
hey how you doing everybody
how are you sweetest
why have you heard something
no
so
your mother's a nymphomaniac
huh you that your mother's best friend
vern james is white fern told pete she's
not a nephromaniac mr peters he's a
lifeguard steven
your mother's dating a lifeguard
now that's a pretty picture who would
have thought it
nobody did you ever see her in a bathing
suit the guy must be blind
i hear he's a machine too
yeah when i'm finished with them there
won't be a scrap left
i have to rash dad please i mean i know
you're going through a very difficult
time
a lifeguard
what could she be doing with a lifeguard
she must lay on the bed and he must jump
off the dresser with a with an inner
tube on his ass
wait i know what you're going through oh
you know what i'm going through do you
yes i do
you hear him pete i hear him al i hear
him too hey great that means i have to
bring any miracle ears to the plate and
i
tell me something were you married to
your mother 42 years were you huh uh
yeah once in a very bad dream during the
uh swine flu epidemic
then you don't know what i'm going
through at all do you hey listen dad i
had a wife leave me too oh so that's my
fault huh i didn't say that
i'm ready
oh let's go tiger wait i'm not finished
talking you're always talking am i right
pete you're right al
listen dad um
mom might bring that friend of hers
tonight at the place so if you really
don't want to you know the lifeguard uh
yeah
she wouldn't dare
look dad this is gonna be very hard for
the both of us and we might have to
accept the fact that mom is living in a
different place
i'm going to my grandson's play are you
coming or not
is it gonna be any trouble huh
stephen have i ever embarrassed you
before
yes you are
these seats are hot
pete
take the keys out of your pocket
my boy's dancing is solo tonight
oh how proud you must be is that your
son yes
god bless you young man
kid doesn't have a chance
oh dig up stephen and larry where
jeez lady cross your legs for god's sake
hey
the kids are so excited back there
hey larry where's your wife
backstage helping the other fathers move
scenery
over there stephen
is that your mother
no that's the janitor you're sure
she's got the same pantsuit
you know if you're not gonna behave
yourself tonight wait wait the show's
ready to start
[Applause]
welcome to a night of a hundred songs
here at william brewster elementary um
we've decided to expand this year's show
uh making it just a bit longer than last
year oh god oh and she brought him oh
with my luck a tomahawk m*ssile won't
hit this place
hello ow
i didn't know you'd be here
never mind me what's the lifeguard doing
here ringing my bell out
he's not strong enough to move that
clapper
you know if i'm not mistaken i think my
sphincter just relaxed
lucky bastard
shush yourself if they're shushing us
everyone well then why don't we just
follow this simple shirsh rule huh
i'd like to introduce my new gentleman
friend robert lifeguard huh how'd you
get the job work yourself up from cabana
boy
funny guy you got to really forgive my
father he's a uh
idiot savant i think tonight he might
have misplaced his savant huh
[Music]
don't just sit there larry let us in i
know where to go you said you weren't
coming there aren't any more seats tell
them to move these are our seats we'll
see about that
what are you doing
i'll tell you what 200 bucks i'll take
your seats huh no way my son's in this
show i saw the kid take the 200.
the show's starting to just sit down
over here
tonight's program will begin
with the preschoolers
singing the classic joy to the world
[Music]
jeez
look at those fat kids
[Music]
those are my grandkids pete
i'm not i'm sorry
you're sorry
[Music]
they're real good they're naturals look
they're they're dancing
these vibrations are k*lling me
move your head those are my grandkids
robin you sure know how to pick them
i'll make you feel at home fella mrs
fishbaum no peeing in the pool
ah the theater
look at you
pete peters this is the best you could
do for a date
he made a pass at me at one of our
barbecues did he ever tell you that
what
hey it happened after my operation i'll
i didn't know what i was doing
he stopped my date she's my date oh
she's not your date oh my god people are
looking what is the matter with you he's
jealous
look everybody he is challenged
it's all about my revenge well what if
it is look at him he hates to see me
happy
i hate to see you at all
i am not the innocent little girl you
married al i'm a sexual woman and as
soon as i am ready i'm gonna be having
my very own
now why orgasm you just say the little
axe i think the little deaf kid up in
special ed missed a few words
i'm trying in my life i'm discovering my
body yeah how many moons did you find
you guys you are worse than you are
together you're like i don't know
yugoslavia
all right give it up for the
preschoolers
look it's danny i'm out the funny hop
[Music]
he's so adorable
yeah he's the best one up there
danny
hi danny
hi so cute look just like his mother
though huh oh he looks nothing like that
woman
he looks like you yeah
you think so
hi danny
hi danny
look helen he's waving back to us
he adores you
gee
who are you and what have you done with
my parents
we made beautiful grandchildren didn't
we out we sure did helen
hi danny
which one's danny again i'm a little
buzzed
he's so talented
yeah he's the best
look helen he even has your eyes
before they got soaked in gin
he was good wasn't he robert this is
very good i'm gonna go backstage and sam
yeah i'd better go back and see my boys
before the other kids start teasing them
don't do when those kids cry the car
fills up with water let's go pete helen
you go ahead i think it's better if
danny sees his grandparents
together oh thank you robert
i'm sorry about that barbecue incident
helen
when you bent over that watermelon those
stretchy pants pete
come on now
danny is waiting
him
that's the man this is the man making
all the noise let's go pal what are you
talking about let's escort him out of
the building
[Music]
so proud of you danny huh i just wish i
could have videotaped your song it's too
bad grandma's big behind broke dad's
camera
don't worry al i sketched most of it on
this cocktail napkin
listen danny why don't you run upstairs
and get ready for better be right and
tell your story
tell them the one about the evil
grandmother with the big fat behind
good one al
i love that kid who says you can't do
anything right i don't know
who
want to play some jig romeo sure
wait a second dad
isn't there anything you want to say
about tonight
i mean isn't anything bothering you
gnawing at you i don't know eating away
at your very heart and soul
oh yeah thanks for buying me the orange
aid no no no
don't you want to talk about mom and the
guy
no why should i well it could make you
feel better i mean don't you want to
scream or i don't know
hit somebody or something no
i wouldn't mind screaming
that's very nice mr peters don't you
want to go in the kitchen for a minute
not really
listen dad
you know when my wife left me
i was confused i was angry i was hurt
you have mental problems
you know when he was a kid he used to
dress up in his mother's house coat and
play in the yard so did i
i think i'm just trying to help you here
well stop it it's really annoying fine
have it your way really
i mean you know if i'm gonna b*at my
head against the wall i'd rather go
upstairs and do it alone in my room
don't go blind up there
he's a good kid he tries real hard it's
a pain in the ass when they do that
isn't it how you know it pete
helen's out in the world again
my helen
i'll never forget when i first met her
i walked into the bar
and she was laying face down in the
sawdust
it was love at first sight
don't worry al nothing's gonna happen
between helen and that lifeguard
how do you know
cause when he wasn't looking i stole his
insulin good one peter
[Music]
so why do you think you're uh
that's the manga
she's not a nephromaniac mr peters
she's a fat old lady
she's not a nymphomaniac mr peters
how do you know you pain in the ass you
don't know
oh
look stephen is that you
look steven is that your mother over
there
look stephen is that an old pain in the
ass over there
[Music]
okay i'll be happy sure what do you got
on your mind
i got a career this video is important
oh and she brought him
never mind me what's the lifeguard doing
here
ringing my bell out he's not strong
enough to move that clanker
he's not strong enough to move that
clapper
[Applause]
if i'm not mistaken i think my sphincter
just relax
shut up this isn't a test
you
01x07 - Mount St. Helen's
Watch/Buy Amazon
Revolves around Dr. Steven Mitchell, a psychologist who lived in Manhattan with his young son and, despite his constant insults and put downs, his father Al , an obnoxious used car salesman who was recently separated from his wife Helen.
Revolves around Dr. Steven Mitchell, a psychologist who lived in Manhattan with his young son and, despite his constant insults and put downs, his father Al , an obnoxious used car salesman who was recently separated from his wife Helen.