[Music]
no dad no the remote control is not
broken no have you
have you tried changing the batteries
yeah
the the thing on the bottom that's yeah
the thing pull it out
pull it out pull it out
never mind i'll do it when i get home
i said i'll do it when i get home
look i can't talk i got patients waiting
i said i got patience waiting
please i got i i gotta
i i gotta i'm going
i'm going
i'm going
goodbye
and bing's kids say they had it rough
oh
don't tell me my father just called you
too no
my mother's in town she's driving me
crazy stephen ever since my father d*ed
she's been impossible no no no no let me
tell you what impossible is all right
i'm going to work this morning my
father's on the front lawn watering the
azaleas in his jockey shorts
without a hose
nobody can get along with her nobody i
mean i love her but she's she's a real
pain in me you know what well your
mother's starting to sound like my
father with bigger breasts
oh wow that is a visual i wish i hadn't
thought of
anyway
i was just thinking what are you doing
tomorrow night no i don't know
probably disappointing my mother
well let's uh we'll go out to dinner
oh yeah
you me
my father your mother i'm not setting my
mother up with your father
the unholy spawn of their evil coupling
could be the end of the world as we know
it
that's not a setup it's a harmless
dinner and it really could help man a
lot i mean the only woman he's even
spoken to since they split up was that
poor cross-eyed margaret you know who
lives in the bank parking lot and that
was only to ask her not to urinate on
his tires
please
well only if you drive my mother home
afterwards i'm supposed to see frank
tomorrow night oh the married guy
he's not married he's separated yeah
he's about as separated as chang and eng
okay
we'll go but quite frankly i have a
feeling i'm being a little taken
advantage of you oh come on you owe me i
never told anyone about you dating that
waitress who turned out to be a man
named raoul
all right shut up it's a deal but we're
splitting the check
and i say that in a
pro-feminist cheapskate kind of way
right okay well uh but this is not a
setup no no no it's not a set of it's
it's nothing it's nothing but just a
harmless dinner that's right no pressure
at all right no pressure well except the
pressure on us i mean it's very hard to
digest your food when you're sitting
next to a guy who opens his pants after
every course
well
that depends on the man
it's too soon for me to date
it's not a date it's a dinner
your mother just walked out of me you
know
i know but you always have to say that i
mean becoming like an overused
expression like have a nice day or don't
worry i'll leave my underwear on
well i'm not ready to date yet it's not
a date it's a meal okay really if
anything else happened tonight it's your
own fault i mean christine's not my date
well you could do worse remember that
waitress with the mustache
i gotta go i'll see you at the
restaurant at seven
hey uh aren't you gonna pick me up
the restaurant's in manhattan and
and they work in manhattan
so
so we live in new jersey
and so and so i'm not picking you up you
think i'm nuts i'm gonna drive all the
way in from manhattan and pick you up
just to drive you to a restaurant five
blocks from where i work
hey i'm not driving into new york those
people are crazy they'll k*ll you for a
nickel
you'll do fine you're an excellent try
but really just remember to do
everything you always do drive 20 miles
an hour under the speed limit in the
fast lane with the blinker on
yeah
well i never got a ticket have i
look at these prices
stop looking at them i'm paying for us
12 for a hamburger
for 12 the waitress should take in the
back room and make you think of guam
maybe she will ask her when you order
what you want to ask him down
oh uh never mind i'm not hungry yeah
well a free basket of bread will do that
to you
what's your problem you get turned down
for a deodorant commercial hey i was
perfect for that commercial see get away
from me
wait a minute what the hell is that
it's called water sir well get it out of
here huh i'm not paying the french one
penny
tap water pal that's when i drink only
tap water some things in life are still
free
i'm sorry i'll have the mineral order
thank you huh what do you scared her
he's a waiter what do you think he's
gonna do jump us out of crackers
actually i was thinking spitting out
food
be a man order them around you man order
them around what is wrong with you i'm
gonna treat him with respect the guy's a
human being no he's not he's a waiter
i wanted to be treated like crap i'd
stay home with you
we have some bread over here boy
please i beg of you don't embarrass me
while i'm eating it's very hard to
apologize and swallow at the same time
i do recall
i'm very ambivalent stuart isn't stephen
i'm sorry i'm sorry flight attendant
they're here
wow you didn't say she'd look like that
oh i thought it was too soon to date for
you yeah i don't have that much time
left
hello ladies
hello
i've seen all those pictures if they
just ate all those flies they'd probably
be over 300 pounds
look at him christine it's don juan from
hell
they're really hitting it off
so tell me if a homeless person comes up
to you and asks for change what do you
say
sell a kidney
i love this woman
look at them
yeah look at them two ignorant
misinformed people with opinions they
should be i don't know on the supreme
court
this was a great idea
yeah you never know
you might be brother and sister soon
good
then if you ever touch me it'll be
against the law
i have to go
uh this has been fun but i but i really
have to run uh get your elbows off the
table christine sorry mom but but i have
to go sit down young lady we're still
eating the night is young
i'm sorry but but i have to meet someone
who
someone he can wait no he can't wait mom
this is very important sit down
christine you're embarrassing me i'm
sorry al sometimes she's just like her
father i know what you mean
stephen sometimes is just like his
mother what when when you sit on the
toilet with the door open yelling
somebody answer the phone
wow you know it's really really a good
thing that i lost all sense of dignity
by the third grade
listen mrs winters it's okay we can uh
drive it back to the hotel right
absolutely really
oh
well that's wonderful see so i have to
go i'll call you tomorrow mom bye-o
well
me and two handsome men
i know i'm here i don't know who else
came in
[Laughter]
now you're sure it's no problem for
somebody to drive me of course not i
have a great big beautiful cadillac
parked right out front
and stephen has his japanese piece of
anti-american crap
that's deluxe model japanese piece of
any american crap
well all right then
stephen do you mind
what
excuse me would you mind driving me back
to the hotel
and i'll i'll take you oh i'm sorry al i
need to talk to stephen alone about
christina and this man she's seeing oh
sure sure you don't mind do you oh of
course not
you're sure
absolutely
stephen you take her
all right then uh yeah you know uh
waiter
yeah
[Music]
thank you for walking me up i have a
horrible fear of elevators
that's okay i feel you okay because i
have a horrible feel of small people
with bovine
faces sit down
catch your breath
um
it was so nice of you to drive me back
you sure i didn't keep you from anything
no no there's one thing i have it's a
totally clear schedule
that is until i think uh next spring
while i have to fly back to uh you know
capistrano
what would you like to drink oh anything
gatorade kool-aid amniotic fluid you
know
you're very funny you're just like your
father ah no
not really the only similarity between
me and pop is that
we both thought that george laser made a
great james bond
oh my wow you have such
firm masculine hands well thank you very
much it runs in the family and people
are from the earth
farmers no grovelers
they look so
certain so cocksure
come again
excuse me
uh nothing thirsty liquid it's here
great
oh
what's in this vodka i'm sorry you said
anything are you all right uh yeah right
you seem a little tense no no no
i couldn't be more relaxed
but i'm hot it's very hot huh it's very
hot yeah
see
yes
mercy you do a real good roy orbis
no it was bad steven
it was bad and i'm bad i'm a bad little
girl oh wait a minute wait a minute
really are you trying to seduce me mrs
winters yes how am i doing very good i
mean it's not crazy i mean what are you
insane what's wrong come on what i'm a
woman you're a
man are you sure
what's wrong are you gabe no i'm not i'm
not gay but i would be it would help the
situation
please i bet you wanted to ask me about
christine oh right
how's she doing
she's all right
good
there we talked about her now come here
and kiss me you know you want me i saw
how you looked at me over dinner ah what
looked there was no look we left your
lips and turned all red
because i'm allergic to mushrooms they
make me swell up
we can order some from room service oh
god come on
look we could watch ourselves in the
mirror what
oh god
oh god
stabbed in the back by my own son pete
kids can be cruel al
that's why i never answered the phone
she was a good-looking woman too
she's the first one i've spoken to since
helen left
except for cross side margaret down at
the bank
you know her noah she pees all over my
tires
[Music]
hi dad
hi he said pete did you hear that i hear
him
all how's mrs winters judas
you know the broad you stole out from
under me
come on dad she wasn't unto you and i
feel bad enough no you don't
yes i do and i don't believe this you
don't believe it you should have seen
pete's face when i told him how you
boink christine's mother
show them the face pete
i'm telling you i'm innocent
god i feel like dr richard kimball
look i didn't do it what do you mean
it means he couldn't launch the love
boat
trust me i know the signs
i'm telling you we sat up talking well
she patted you on the back with pity in
her eyes oh i know i know
shut up pete
you get a beautiful dame and she makes a
play for you and you say no thanks what
are you a caboose boy
caboose boy
this is so ridiculous death plus i do
not owe you or your trained fantasies
any explanation
hey
it's almost five o'clock in the morning
did you sleep with her or not
hurry up i want to go to bed yeah and i
have to deliver my papers
look look it wasn't actually a sleeping
kind of thing it was more like a chase
me around the room and butt me up
against the wet bar kind of thing let me
tell you she has like the strength of
ten men i wouldn't know i've never been
with ten men
good one
out
look
she wanted to but i didn't
i wouldn't do that to you pop come on
i'm sorry i didn't mean to hurt you oh
pour me another drink pete i can still
hear him talking
you know guys uh
quite frankly amidst all this pain there
really is something very positive we
should all realize here
you found a woman attracted dad what
kind of cr*ck is that
it's not a cr*ck it's not a cr*ck it's a
good thing it's progress you're getting
over mom's leaving it's a small step so
is william holden's on that area rug
look dad
i'm serious all right really i'm not
interested in christine's mother so you
can call her if you want i don't want to
be near her anybody that could be
attractive to you must have a lot of
problems right pete
oh i'm sorry i was distracted
you know it might just be the wild
turkey but
has anyone ever told you you have cocked
your hands
[Music]
good morning boy you look tired big
night last night uh yeah yeah is
christine in her office uh not yet
great
you slept with my mother
she told you that no your father called
me at two in the morning and how he got
frank's number i'll never know
no wait a minute i can explain really
uh your messages i thought you said she
wasn't in yet
her office you didn't ask me about your
office huh you slept with my mother can
i sit in on this no
how could you
i didn't but it was very close she got
me in a headlock and there was some
tumbling involved
mom
want me to shop in some pencils no
mother
steven i just wanted to come by and
thank you for being so wonderful last
night
no wait christine you don't understand
that's right you see last night steven
showed me something that no other man
has ever shown me before
you sick bastard
christine will you relax it's nothing
that you couldn't have done yourself
what are you talking about well after
steven drove me home last night i threw
myself at him made a fool out of myself
actually no no no no it's not like you
know women don't throw themselves at me
all the time
they don't shut up
we got to talking and
steven made me realize that lately i've
been going after men indiscriminately i
don't understand why didn't you just let
al drive you home you two were wonderful
together in a hideous bigoted way
i know that's what i was afraid of
i felt safer with stephen
i knew there was no future in it you see
christine it's an obvious pattern your
mother is just going out with
inappropriate men so then she doesn't
have to deal with a real relationship
you're still not over dead are you
you just don't get over a man like your
father christine i i can't believe how
i've lowered my standards trying to fill
that void
throwing myself at anyone anyone hobos
jockeys stephen
she means that really great-looking hobo
in 23rd you know the buff one yeah
mom why don't we uh go next door to my
office and talk
i'm sorry
bye steven
thank you for understanding and uh
i'm sorry about that hickey
wow i'm lucky i was facing this way
[Music]
hi honey i'm home
hi stephen
i'm glad you're here
i thought about it and
i was wrong
i should have trusted you
i mean you haven't had any action since
i moved in
why should you suddenly strike gold now
come on dad huh with all due respect i
think i struck some silver huh
but seriously pop come on the important
thing is now you're starting to get over
mom
well since that big breakthrough i i
thought i'd get out my little black book
and
stir up a little action any luck
yeah it's a little outdated
eleven of the women i called were were
dead
three were in a home and one couldn't
hear over the noise from hawaiian lung
i guess it just doesn't get any easier
dating no matter how old you are
i'm not so sure
the one in the iron lung looks a little
promising
she's already lying down
[Music]
life is stolen this dog they're stolen
distilled they're still just still
there's still the stilt will hit me in
the head so i can keep going
gonna get on a jerry lewis telephone huh
walk on
so you have a beautiful dame and she
makes a play for you and you say no
thanks
what are you
what's the matter with you we're doing
good damn it
jesus christ you're not used to comedy
pain in the ass jesus
can't get a break here for crying out
loud
two jews sitting here waiting for a car
and he's irish
get three lines in a row and they stop
you
i can't work with this crap anymore i
can't
let's get some real booze in here
i got a betty ford i'm okay
hello hollywood i'm trying my best okay
the lights are hollowing around you
measure entrance and
just make the engines
so good so good it scares me
where we take that from here i'm just in
a show that's gonna have my whole family
hurt
you change the pimples on your ass of
god
you smile from the wonderful sky
she's already lying down
[Music]
sure you guys can laugh
i'm the one that's gonna get three
b*ll*ts in the heart
as he's sitting playing with his toys in
his house
[Music]
01x06 - Mother Love
Watch/Buy Amazon
Revolves around Dr. Steven Mitchell, a psychologist who lived in Manhattan with his young son and, despite his constant insults and put downs, his father Al , an obnoxious used car salesman who was recently separated from his wife Helen.
Revolves around Dr. Steven Mitchell, a psychologist who lived in Manhattan with his young son and, despite his constant insults and put downs, his father Al , an obnoxious used car salesman who was recently separated from his wife Helen.