03x16 - Battle of the Bands

[bunniefuu]

♪ Someone once told me th♪ On the other side. r ♪

♪ Well, I paid a visit

♪ While it's possible I missed it ♪

♪ It seemed different yet exactly the same ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪Till further notice♪

♪ Till further notice

♪I'm in between♪

♪ I'm in between

♪From where I'm standing♪

♪ From where I'm standing

♪ My grass is green.

♪ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ♪

♪ On the other side.

[groans]

Quick-- what are the seven grains

in seven-grain bread?

Wheat, oats, barley, soybean,

buckwheat, corn and, ooh... millet!

Is that right?

How should I know?

Guess who just got cut from band?

Andrew McDonald?

Sarah Stern?

Kid with psoriasis on his face?

Oh, Peter Wiseburger?

Chick with ear hair?

Jenny Lynn.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Surprisingly, no.

You?

Yes.

Oh, no.

What happened?

That rat's nest,

otherwise known as the school board,

slashed the music budget

so the football team could enjoy

their new stain-resistant uniforms.

Stain-resistant uniforms?

That's absurd.

Wait.

They came in?

The new uniforms are in?

I heard they're incredible.

Blood, sweat, tears

just dribble off.

If you care about that sort of thing--

which I don't.

Stain-resistant uniforms?

Who do these football players think they are?

Why should their... stain resistance

take priority over the sweet stylings of Macie's clarinet?

I had no idea you felt that way.

Well, I do.

And I promise you, Mace,

we're not going to take this sitting down.

Even though we are...

currently sitting down.

The girl's conviction is positively infectious.

Momma?

Momma?

Oh, darn this shoddy $,

state-of-the-art Toshubi.

[girls giggling]

Momma?

Yes, I can hear you, but only faintly.

Hold on.

Girls, please.

This is a powder room,

not a cattle auction.

I'm back, Momma.

Ah, no, just two girls I met in the lavatory.

Did we just get shushed by a freshman?

I think we did.

No, not very pretty.

Well, one of them has passable cheekbones,

but her nose looks like

it came from a surgical sidewalk sale.

[giggling]

You're dead, frosh.

[shrieks]

[gasps]

[cell phone ringing]

Is that another cell phone?

No...

[shrieks]

[cell phone continues ringing]

You stay out of the girl's room

for the rest of the school year.

Or you'll end up like your Toshubi.

[Courtney gasps]

That sounds an awful lot like a thr...

Right, who can tell me who wrote theOrigin of the Species?

Origin of the Species?

Anyone?

[sighs]

Give you a hint:

It rhymes with "Arles Arwin."

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Yes, Brandon.

"Darles Marlin."

Uh, no.

[gasping]

Larles Carwin?

I don't believe such a man ever lived,

so in short, no.

HISSING VOICE: Release me, Carl.

HISSING VOICE: Release me.

Set me free, Carl.

I don't do that sort of thing anymore.

Come on, pal, it'll be hilarious.

No doubt, but I'm in junior high now.

I've learned my lesson over and over and over again.

You'll have to ask someone else.

Try Brandon.

Brandon's an idiot.

I want you.

Uh...

Carl?

Are you okay?

I'm hearing voices, Hoods.

Voices in my head.

During lunch, my chili told me to throw it.

Milty's butt told me to kick it.

I'm losing it, Hoods.

I'm finally losing it.

You're not losing it.

Y-You just miss being bad.

You think?

I don't think, I know.

Maybe you're right.

I mean, ever since I decided to be good,

I've been feeling irritable, anxious.

I have difficulty sleeping,

and food just goes right through me.

Didn't need to know that.

One naughty romp, one act of mischief

might just take the edge off.

And, you know, bulk up my stool.

Carl, we made a pact:

no more shenanigans.

No more monkey shines.

How about tom foolery?

Negatory.

We're sticking to our pact, Carl.

It's the straight and narrow for us from now on.

Darren, what does my hair smell like to you?

[sniffing]

Uh... it's um...

Mmm.

Smoked turkey.

I used ocean mist shampoo,

rain forest conditioner,

yet somehow I get smoked turkey.

Which just happens to be my favorite lunch meat.

That's so sweet!

[giggles]

Give me a break.

[bell rings]

Catch you later, Diesel.

You know they're cutting music

so the football team can get

stain-resistant uniforms.

I think it's ludicrous.

Your thoughts?

What?

"Ludicrous" is a synonym

for "ridiculous."

I know jocks tend to struggle

with the language.

There's nothing ludicrous about it.

The team needs those uniforms.

Stained uniforms lead to bad morale.

Bad morale leads to missed plays.

Missed plays leads to losses.

And since when did you become

the official spokesperson for the band geeks?

"Band geeks"?

Like Macie?

Who used to be one of your best friends?

She's still one of my best friends.

You didn't used to be this self-important.

"Diesel."

Self-important?

How can I be self-important

when all I'm doing is thinking about my fans?

Can you believe the nerve of that guy?

A couple months on the team

and he thinks he's, he's...

What's the name of a famous football player?

[helicopter whirring]

[tires screeching]

[moans]

What happened?

Cheerleader att*ck.

Worst I've ever seen, and I've seen plenty.

Cheerleaders.

Where do they get off?

It's like they think they run the school.

That's not true.

Yes, it is, Dodie.

You've just been blinded

by the blur of their shaking pom-poms.

They prance around like they're so superior.

They don't care who they hurt in the process.

Or whose boyfriend they inadvertently steal away.

Not the point, Dodie.

Not the point at all.

This is not about Simone and Darren

or me or you.

This is about Macie.

This is about music.

This is about the non- athletically inclined everywhere.

Testify!

And I won't rest

until our music program is saved.

Even if I'm sleepy.

Even if it's... you know... light!

She just gave me the chills.

MAN: So I don't know.

I've been here all day

and I'm getting a little...

I get it in the neck,

it always gets me right in the neck.

[forklift whirring]

What the devil is going on here?

This is my space!

Look here, Assistant Principal... What's-Your-Name.

I was assaulted in the girl's washroom

and neither you nor your colleagues

were there to stop it.

Until you eliminate lavatory crime,

this port-a-powder room stays right here.

Or the local news team will have a field day.

Is there anything more delicious than a cruller?

[clears throat]

Look alive, local news team.

Are you moving this thing or not?

Not.

Detention! Detention! Detention!

[tires screech]

Detention!

[news show theme music starts]

Okay, I'm on it.

Move it, move it, move it.

The handicapped parking space.

Once an inviolable refuge

for the non-ambulatory,

today poached by the highly ambulatory assistant principal

of Lucky High School.

I have no comment.

Shirley, have Grundig come see me.

And call our lawyers.

Miss Foutley, please continue.

[clears throat]

And I conclude by asking you this:

Isn't music, which feeds our souls,

at least as important as football, which...

which...

does not?

Thank you.

Uh, may I respond?

Of course.

Observe.

There you go.

Look at this.

Messy grease stains are history.

Grass and dirt stains are history.

Blood stains, history.

Urine, history.

Thank you.

Hmm, he makes a very compelling argument, Miss Foutley.

All he did was prove

the uniforms are stain resistant.

We already knew that.

Tell you what.

If you can get student signatures,

I might be able to take your case to the superintendent.

signatures?

Piece of cake.

Ginger, there are only students

in the entire school.

Not a problem.

PRINCIPAL: Uh, Miss Foutley?

Are you evenin the music program?

Let's just say...

I'm emotionally invested.

GINGER: That's why

I'm sending this petition around--

for music, for the arts,

for the proud members of our marching band

who toot, tingle, b*at...

And blow our hearts out every week on the football field

and get no respect, no...

Consideration.

Can I count on you guys

to help me stick it to the jocks?

[whimpering]

Dodie...

this is important.

This is for music.

This is for Macie.

Remember our friend, Macie?

Remember me?

This is hard for me, guys.

If I'm seen in any way conspiring against pep,

I'll be blacklisted from the squad forever.

And my children, and my children's children,

and my children's children's childr...

[sobbing]

I... I have to think about it.

[students cheering]

GIRL: You go, Diesel.

[giggles]

When we stain,

it's not just a stain upon our uniforms.

It's a stain upon the entire school.

[students cheering]

Wow.

I never thought of it that way.

Macie!

Sorry, but he has a real presence.

Incredibly influential.

Don't let a few sad,

bitter apples ruin the orchard

of high school athletics.

Okay, that didn't even make any sense.

Still, it was downright poetic.

Don't give up now.

All we need is...

more little signatures.

Yep, piece of cake.

[class bell ringing]

[kids conversing]

CARL [imagining]: Pull me, Carl.

Together we can make wedgie history.

No, no, no, no.

Trip me, Carl, trip me!

[panting and mumbling]

Whoa!

Get ahold of yourself, Carl.

It's no good.

This new-leaf thing is k*lling me.

I need to be bad, Hoods.

I need to be bad big time.

But you swore an oath that you would never again

soil the corridors of our junior high

with your... badness.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I... I did.

A-and my word is as solid a-as oak.

Solider.

Wait a second, oh, yeah, you know what?

There might be... there might be a loophole here.

I said I wouldn't soil ourschool,

but I never said anything

about soiling someone else's school.

Well, it's a little weaselly,

but I'd be lying

if I said it wasn't, well, sort of genius.

Good morning, Nancy.

Care for a cookie? No?

Morning, Robin.

Morning, um... Peter... Jeffrey... Dwight.

Morning, uh...

Um... André.

What happened?

I thought you'd be here by now.

MACIE: Traffic-- couldn't be helped.

Morning, uh... um... Susie.

"Stacy."

Oh.

Dodie, oh, please, help.

Good morning, Clark, Dave, Brenda, Brandon, Tracy,

Trixie, Lloyd, Dennis, Phillip, Rosie and Zeek.

All right.

Those are for undecideds.

Uh, Dodie can have one.

Oh, no, thank you-- I'm off wheat.

DARREN [on intercom]: Attention.

This is "Diesel" Darren Patterson.

Anyone who hasn't signed the anti-football petition

is welcome to join me and slammin' pep squad girls

for free, low-fat smoothies in the cafeteria.

Once again, free, low-fat smoothies, cafeteria.

[students exclaiming]

Come on... smoothies?

They're mostly ice.

They hardly require any effort to make.

These are shaped like little... music notes.

STUDENTS [chanting]: Smoothies, smoothies!

Dodie?

Oh, Ginger, I have to.

My pep squad career is hanging by the flimsiest of threads.

Maybe I can change things from the inside?

Look, this is a decision

you have to make yourself.

Support your best friends in their hour of need or...

go be with the pep squad.

Tough one.

Maybe a smoothie will help me think.

[groans in disgust]

Well... uh...

We could, uh... pull a fire alarm?

"A fire alarm," he says.

Hoods, we're in junior high now--

got to think bigger, more grandiose.

Plus I want to do something outside.

Outside?

Why?

Just feeling...

outdoorsy.

[bumper crashes]

Wow.

Teachers reallyareunderpaid.

Oh, my.

What? What is it?

What do you see?

"Reserved Assistant Principal Grundig.

The man's got his own potty, Carl.

That's living.

This is it, Hoods.

The perfect target.

This Grundig guy's going to get what's coming to him.

But we don't even have a beef with him.

We hardly even know him.

In fact, we don't know him.

We don't have to know him personally.

We know his kind-- he's an assistant principal.

They're all as rotten as last month's milk.

Point well taken.

So what's the plan?

[girls chatting excitedly]

Remember to come see me in action tomorrow

as I take on the Fighting Bohemians.

I'll be wearing my brand-new, stain-resistant uniform.

[scoffing]: Smoothies!

What's that on your chin?

It's, uh...

Benzoyl peroxide.

You don't have zits.

What can I say?

Stuff really works.

[gasps]

You drank one of Darren's smoothies?

I was thirsty.

How could you?

Ginger, let's face it, it's over.

It's not over.

I've still got some fight in me.

What do you say, Macie?

Macie?

Well, actually,

I'm kind of getting sick of the clarinet...

and campaigning.

What are you saying?

You can't quit on me.

I'm doing this... for you.

Ginger, we only have signatures.

Diesel, pep, the magnetism of high school athletics.

It's just too powerful to overcome.

Et tu,Macie?

Et tu?

Still with the posters?

I thought Dodie and Macie gave up already.

Mom, wasn't it you who taught me

to stand by my principles no matter what?

Well... yeah, Ginger.

I'm...

I'm just thinking that maybe there's more to this

than stain-resistant uniforms.

What do you mean?

I mean, if you have something to say

to a certain someone,

there might be an easier way to do it.

Mom, this is not about Darren.

Why does everyone keep saying that?

A nice letter, a phone call...

Mom!

Going.

[from behind door]: Maybe an e-mail would suffice.

[groans]

ANNOUNCER: And now, the moment

you've all been waiting for.

Here they are, your Lucky Goats!

[band playing feebly]

Don't do it.

I beg of you.

I know it seems like rushing the field in the middle of the game

is the answer, but it's not.

Listen to Macie.

She's making a lot of sense.

If you do this,

nobody will ever talk to you--

and, by association, me-- ever again.

GINGER: It's not that I don't hear what you're saying, guys.

In fact... I'm all ear!

Oh!Oh!

"Don't turn a deaf ear to our music program"?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

This can't be happening.

Look, you guys.

I have to do this.

Maybe it's not about Macie.

Heavens, no.

Maybe it's not about music.

Maybe... just... maybe it has something to do with Darren,

but I can't back down now.

I just can't let him win.

I've come too far.

I'm not a victim.

I'm...

A giant ear.

[motor humming inside]

I didn't think these things were rigged with electricity.

CARL:Hmm.

Must be the deluxe version.

Anyway, he's in there, all right.

Let's do it.

How are the voices?

Practically gone.

Just a faint murmur.

Thanks for asking, Hoods.

And this is the last time?

You promise?

This is it, dude.

We are going out with a bang.

Ever thus to tyrants!

[humming to herself]

[dryer stops]

[crashing and rumbling]

What on earth?!

Wh... [screams]

Oh!

Trapped in the port-a-powder room.

COURTNEY: Oh, how dreadful!

Did you...

Did you hear that, Carl?

It almost sounded like a girl's voice.

Don't be fooled.

Evil has many faces and many voices.

[whistle blows]

Darren, get ready for the surprise of your life.

I'm not the safe, predictable little Ginger of yesteryear.

I am Ginger Foutley, the human ear.

[threateningly]: The wild card.

[Carl and Hoodsey groaning with exertion]

[boys panting]

Carl!

Grab it!

HOODSEY: We're getting a nice breeze!

, , ...

Hike!

[boys yelling]

[crowd gasps]

[whistle blows]

[Courtney cries out]

[crowd laughing]

[Courtney gasps]

[screaming]

Oh, great.

Did they double their order or something?

What are they going to cut next, lunch?

Nope, they're sending them all back.

A couple of the guys said they weren't as comfortable

as the old jerseys.

Uh, they were kind of itchy, if you ask me.

Besides, they were tearing the school apart.

TV CAMERAMAN: Is there anything more delicious than a cruller?