01x04 - The Banana Split Decision

[bunniefuu]

- [whistles]

- Let's go everybody, it's picture time!

[upbeat music]

- ♪ In the Loud House The Really Loud House! ♪

♪ The Really Loud House!

Okay, back to the middle school,

then the elementary school, and then the high school.

Okay. Boy, we have a lot of kids.

We got this.

-Hey, Mom-- -Oh.

What's for dinner?

Yeah, what's the dealio with the mealio?

Oh, sorry, guys. It's fend for yourself night.

[upbeat music]

[all yelling]

[music]

Another fend for yourself night, Mother?

I don't mean to be persnickety,

but you and Dad are really dropping the ball lately.

I'm sorry if we've been extra flustered,

but tonight is parent-teacher conferences.

[dramatic music]

You wouldn't think my sisters and I

would be so excited about parent-teacher conferences,

but every year, Dad promises

that if more than half of us get a positive review,

he'll treat us

to the biggest dessert in Royal Woods:

Auntie Pam's Banana Split in a Canoe.

Are all dinners going to be this disorganized?

If so, I may sign up

for a meal service at Sunset Canyon.

Well, we've got nine kids at three different schools,

so, all things considered, I think your dad and I

have things very under control.

Lynn, let's go! We're late!

Who's ready for a wedding?

It's parent-teacher conferences.

That's tonight?

-Yes. -Oh.

Well, I hope they don't b*at us up too much this year.

Although this could be the year

the Loud family finally turns things around.

I'm gonna go put on my lucky corduroys.

No, no, there's no time for that.

Is this fragile?

No.

-Oh! -Let's go.

Okay.

[doorbell rings]

Let's do this.

Since Clyde is an honorary member

of the Loud family,

he's therefore eligible to partake

in spoils of our victory.

[awed music]

Clyde has agreed to track the conference results

as they unfold.

[all exclaim]

Tonight, the parent-teacher tracker

is gonna provide up-to-the-minute projections

for this contest.

We've got microphones under the desks,

cameras in the smartboards

to provide real-time information.

What's at stake?

Auntie Pam's Banana Split in a Canoe.

Oh, my God, that is my favorite.

How do we get there?

The Louds will need more good reviews

than bad ones from the teachers.

With nine reviews total,

the magic number is five good ones.

We're gonna do it this year.

Three schools, eight teachers,

scoops of ice cream on the line,

scoops?

It's gonna be a close night.

This is gonna be a piece of cake,

or, should I say, a canoe full of ice cream.

[music]

Ooh. Okay, let's do this.

What time does the first conference start?

-:. -And who's the first kid?

Uh, Lucy.

[cheers and applause]

Lucy's got her quirks, but those quirks

are mostly contained to the home.

Our projections have her leaning good.

Lucy is very well behaved in class.

Hot start.

Reads well above her grade level.

Oh, yeah!

This semester, we did our unit on poetry.

All of the kids recited a poem of their choice

Your sweet Lucy recited a beautiful piece...

[both] Aw.

That turned out to be an incantation...

[both] Oh.

That summoned the nether beast.

[both] Oh.

[speaking eldritch language]

[wind howling]

[monstrous growling]

So, does she get a positive review?

[monstrous growling]

[speaking eldritch language]

All good from me.

[bell dings]

[both] Great.

Don't look back. Don't look back.

Good start for the Loud family.

Lucy has gone good.

[all cheer]

So we're gonna take one scoop

and move it over to the victory canoe.

Next up...

Oh!

Uh, Leni.

Leni started out strong in the early years

but has really struggled since grades changed

from smiley faces to letters.

I think she has a chance.

-She's so nice and sweet. -Everyone loves Leni.

She sounds amazing.

She's not the most academic person,

but she has been working really hard lately.

Hi! We're Leni's parents.

[buzzer sounds]

Thank you for your time.

Leni slides into the negative column.

This is ridiculous.

The refs just hate the Louds.

You mean the teachers?

They're all in it together.

So instead of a scoop, we're getting a splat.

Yes, I'd like to preorder the Banana Split in a Canoe

with extra whipped cream.

What's that?

However much makes you throw up.

Uh, call you back, Marsha.

You're pretty cocky for a guy

who still hasn't turned in their midterm essay

to Mr. Bolhofner.

Clyde, here's the dirty little secret.

It doesn't matter how I do.

This is the first year that Lisa gets a conference.

She's gonna be the star of first grade.

Are you sure?

She's got a IQ,

and she puts her toys away.

Trust me, with Lisa in the mix, we can't lose.

[slurps pointedly]

Wow, Leni's teacher did not mince words.

He just went "phbbt."

Well, on the bright side,

bought us extra minutes.

Ooh.

[gasps] Lynn! wake up!

Oh! Oh! The wedding!

No, we're late for our next conference.

Oh, oh, yeah.

[upbeat music]

[music]

Oh. [grunts]

Okay, who's next?

Uh, Lisa.

Ah, let's do it.

So sorry we're late.

-Tell us about Luan. -Luna.

Lisa.

[both] Lisa.

Lisa's extremely gifted academically.

Unfortunately, in first grade, we focus much more

on social skills

and playing well with others

You call that a block tower?

It's not even structurally sound.

What if there's an earthquake?

Youth is no excuse for ignorance, Ethan.

I'm sorry to have to do this, but...

[buzzer sounds]

Wow, this one is definitely a shocker.

Lisa Loud has gone bad.

[all] What?

How does that even make any sense?

Ethan.

I'd like to order marshmallows

brownie bites,

and in terms of sprinkles, what is the limit?

[dramatic chords]

No!

No!

Clyde, we're doomed!

If I can't count on Lisa,

then I definitely can't count on the rest of my sisters.

Now I need a good review.

Maybe they'll surprise you.

[all squabbling]

That's gonna leave a mark.

Okay, you definitely need a good review.

Oh, but how am I gonna convince Mr. Bolhofner

that I'm a better student than I actually am?

You could start by turning in your midterm essay.

I could start by writing my midterm essay.

You haven't started?

No, Clyde,

we haven't started.

[determined music]

[music]

Really?

[music]

Lynn's classroom is this way.

No, no, no, no. It's that way.

I think I know my way around.

-I love you. -I know.

[music]

Next up, Lynn Loud.

[all cheer] Yeah!

Go Lynn! Go Lynn!

Whoo-hoo! Go Lynn!

Ow! My hammy!

My hammy.

Rookie mistake.

I stretch before all my comedy shows.

I once pulled my neck muscle doing a double take.

I gave it the old...

[neck pops]

[winces]

I'm fine.

Lynn is one of the best athletes

our school has ever seen.

[laughs] That's wonderful.

We know. [laughs]

However...

sometimes her competitive nature

bleeds into the classroom.

Who would like to erase the board

for a little extra credit?

Agh!

This is my house, Natalie.

That's probably not good.

Actually, Natalie is... a lot,

so it was nice to have her out of class

for a couple of weeks.

[bell dings]

Uh, we hope Natalie's okay.

-So sad. -Yeah.

Lynn is gone good!

[all cheer]

Lynn Loud can play through the pain!

-Whoo! -Go Lynn.

Good job.

Mr. Bolhofner? Don't speak.

Just listen.

I know my essay was due yesterday,

but I just wanted to be really proud of it,

and rest assured, I wrote it by myself.

[growls]

[speaking eldritch language]

Can I-- [growls]

With the Louds back to even,

we're now moving on to Luan.

[all cheer]

You got it!

Where'd you get that thing?

Every comedian has one of these in their prop box.

They're funny.

Not to me.

Orthopedic accessories,

especially those covering the first seven vertebrae,

are empirically humorous.

What?

Comedy isn't completely lost on me.

[upbeat music]

I'm so proud you didn't hit any trash cans.

Small victories.

Oh!

Oh.

I'm good.

[upbeat music]

Luan does have a penchant for pranks.

[upbeat swing music]

Fair warning: this gag may cause excessive laughter.

[music]

And this one was a doozy.

Ooh.

[music]

[whoopee cushion blares] [screams]

[groans]

So you thought it was...

Funny?

No!

I didn't!

But because of Luan's constant pranks,

I have decided to retire from teaching.

She helped push me that way,

and for that, I have to thank her.

[bell dings]

-Yes! -Yes!

Folks, we have Luan going good.

[cheers and applause]

[music]

[dramatic music]

[music]

No students permitted tonight.

I know.

I was going to hand in my paper,

but there was this nether beast in the bathroom,

and he stole it from me.

Come on, Loud. I was born at night,

not last night.

I've heard that excuse a million times.

I swear I wrote my paper.

Just let me go home and get another copy.

Will you please let me do that?

Hmm.

Next up,

Lola and Lana.

Lana and Lola are absolute joys to be around.

Any little problem they have, they solve it.

I'm sorry to say

the class's pet iguana has d*ed of natural causes.

Let's double-L this thing.

[dramatic music]

There's nothing natural about this death.

So how'd she die?

I... guana know.

[music]

Looks like somebody swallowed the evidence.

Didn't Kevin have a paddle with a ball on it?

I was nowhere near that iguana t*nk.

Got somebody to back up that story?

I did it.

So they solved the mystery!

Yes, but sadly,

there's still one mystery they have yet to solve.

Oh, really? What's that?

Grammar, spelling, and math.

[buzzer sounds]

Folks, this is two scoops of bad news

with a drizzle of disaster.

We can still do this. We got Luna.

I hate to be a negative Nellie,

but how many rock stars do you know

who did well in school?

None of the cool ones, that's for sure.

Wait a minute.

I'm receiving word that Luna Loud has gone good,

which makes it four to four.

[all cheer]

Mr. Bolhofner says there's nothing I can do.

I'm gonna get a zero on my essay.

Which means this race will all come down to...

Lincoln Loud.

[dramatic chords]

No!

I can't believe it's all down to me.

We're doomed.

I didn't turn in my essay,

and Mr. Bolhofner

wasn't my biggest fan to start with.

Well, we didn't think Luna was gonna get

a thumbs-up, but she surprised us.

Luna, how'd you do it?

Oh, I just got Miss Hamilton

two Mick Swagger tickets.

♪ Transformation

♪ Transformation

♪ The scene is set on the rock and roll nation ♪

That's it!

I need to get Mr. Bolhofner a gift.

I got it!

He'll love this!

This roll of paper towels.

How about this wrapped present?

That's perfect!

You just have to get to Mr. Bolhofner

before Mom and Dad do.

How much time does that give me?

Approximately seven minutes.

Lisa...

I've got a plan.

[frantic music]

All right.

Last one: Lincoln.

We've got seven minutes to get there.

I'll get us there in eight.

[music]

These are rocket-powered training wheels.

If I hit this turbo boost,

you'll be there in under a minute...

or possibly yesterday at :.

Thanks, Lisa.

Bring us home that banana split.

[resolute music]

[engine spluttering]

I hope you don't mind eating some bugs!

[tires squealing]

[upbeat music]

[screaming]

[music]

Last stop: high school.

No, you were supposed to go to the middle school.

Lincoln's in ninth grade.

He's in sixth.

Well, you had the chart upside down.

[music]

[screaming]

[music]

Let me guess.

The nether beast regurgitated your essay.

Actually, Mr. Bolhofner,

I came here because I know what you do isn't easy,

so I brought you this present.

"Congratulations on your wedding."

Ha!

I've been divorced for ten years.

Better late than never?

Listen, Loud,

you're always looking to take the easy way out

instead of doing the work.

And like your paper, which is late,

so are your parents.

I'm not surprised.

[downbeat music]

[music]

[frantic music]

I hate to throw my parents under the bus,

but we're talking about a canoe full of ice cream.

Come on.

I'm not surprised my parents are late either.

I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't show up at all.

I don't even think they know what grade I'm in.

The truth is,

a big part of the reason

I didn't turn my essay in on time

was because my parents are so... scattered.

Is this B? Is this B?

Why does this school have so many classrooms?

It's not that they don't mean well,

but they had kids.

? Good gravy.

They never have time to help us with our homework

or even basic hygiene.

It's been so long since my mom has done laundry

that my dad is actually wearing a tuxedo tonight.

Mm.

You paint a grim picture there, Loud.

I'm sorry about my paper.

I'll try and do better on it in the future.

I'd work on it right now, but I have to go home

and make sure the rest of my sisters get fed.

It's fend for yourself night.

Well, you know what they say, Loud.

[warm music]

What doesn't k*ll you...

Trust me, it's down here!

You said that three times.

[high-pitched] Oh, hey, Mr. Bolhofner.

I don't know if I could take

any more of your sad story, Loud.

-Sorry we're late. -We went to the wrong school.

My husband thought Lincoln was in ninth grade.

[laughs nervously] Poor kid.

And we also want to make a blanket apology

for any school trash cans that may have been damaged.

Definitely damaged.

Enough of the chit-chat.

This is my last conference of the night,

and I got a date with a squirrel sausage

that's been marinating since Monday.

So let's cut to it.

I've looked over Lincoln's file,

and I have decided...

[suspenseful music]

[music]

The kid gets a thumbs-up.

[bell dings]

[all cheer]

But make no mistake.

Lincoln's not up to snuff,

and it's safe to say the blame falls on you two.

You look ridiculous, and you're late.

Pretty pathetic.

[sighs]

You know what? You're right.

We're terrible parents.

We're disorganized. We're perpetually exhausted.

Truth is, we had way too many kids.

But we wouldn't give any of them back.

Even if the state asked.

Which they haven't.

Yet.

[sighs] We won't take up any more of your time,

Mr. Bolhofner.

We'll head home and...

try to right all the wrongs we've made as parents.

So many wrongs.

Sounds like a plan.

Wait.

I don't deserve that thumbs-up.

-Lincoln? -What are you doing here?

I wasn't gonna get a good review

from Mr. Bolhofner,

and that meant

we weren't gonna get the ice cream.

So I lied to him and said you guys weren't good parents.

But the truth is,

you're the best parents in the whole world.

Sure, they're overwhelmed,

but they're overwhelmed because they had kids.

And the reason they had kids

is because they love kids.

And we're not all perfect students,

but we're all unique in our own way

and we love each other.

It's all thanks to these beautiful, frazzled,

disorganized, amazing parents.

So if you're gonna blame anyone for tonight,

blame me.

I should've worked harder on your class.

In all my years of teaching,

that was the most heartfelt speech

I've ever heard.

And I agree.

You should've worked harder.

[buzzer sounds]

The truth is, in life,

nothing is given to you.

The only way to get anywhere is with hard work,

and as parents, it's important for us

to be tough but fair.

And when we look at you kids,

we can see that each of you

is passionate in your own way:

Luna with music, Luan with comedy,

Lisa with science, Leni with fashion,

-Lana with tools-- -Dad.

We know what we're good at.

Okay. The point is,

we don't care what the Royal Woods school system

says.

You guys are tops in our book.

And I...

am the greatest dad who ever lived!

[bicycle horn toots]

[sunny music]

[yelps excitedly] [laughs]

Here we go. There you go, you animals.

There you go. All right, one at a time.

One at a time. There you go.

There you go. There you go.

There you go. [laughs]

You're the GOAT, Dad.

Aw.

Greatest dad who ever lived?

-Too much? -Mm.

-Eh? -Nah.

Let's eat.

[music]

[music]

[music]