01x03 - The Blemish Dilemish

[bunniefuu]

[ominous music]

[distant snoring]

♪ ♪

- [snoring]

- Dad.

- [shouts]

Lisa, you scared the ding-dang-Dickens out of me.

I'm used to Lucy sneaking up on me.

- That is kind of my thing.

- Oh!

What is going on?

- Lisa's fallen ill.

She should probably get her affairs in order.

I've already prepared a grave in the backyard.

- I'm fairly certain my appendix is about to burst.

And I need someone to accompany me

to the nearest emergency room.

- I don't think we can afford another trip to the ER.

- Message received.

I'll prepare the embalming fluid.

- OK, just hold your horses.

Is it maybe acid reflux,

you know, from Lynn-chilada night?

I know it's been known to cause a little turbulence

south of the border, if you know what I mean.

- I've done some preliminary diagnostics

and all signs are pointing

to the aforementioned appendicitis.

- OK.

Let me consult with my better half.

Honey.

Hon. - Yeah?

- Mm.

- Does Lisa have a stomachache she thinks is appendicitis,

and Lucy wants to bury her alive?

- It's pretty serious.

- All right, well, we should head to the ER.

Want me to take her?

- No, no, I got it.

Hey, that was really sweet of you to off--

- [snoring]

- [sighs]

Let's go.

[snoring]

- I hear somebody has a tummy ache.

- I'm .% sure that what I have is appendicitis.

I need a surgeon scrubbed and ready.

Dr. Sanders attended one of my lectures.

He'll be fine.

- Pump the brakes there.

How does it feel when I put pressure here?

OK.

How does it feel if I put pressure here?

[farting]

- The Lynn-chiladas.

- That'll be $.

[farts]

And cents.

- Let's go before we can't afford college.

- I do feel better. - Good.

[upbeat music] [school bell rings]

- OK, people.

We're not leaving here until we've come up

with some hot stories.

Let's go.

The news doesn't make itself.

- Actually, it does.

- Helping or hurting, Clyde, helping or hurting?

I'm sorry.

I'm a little on edge this morning.

- He's got a butt pimple that's been really barking at him.

[both hiss]

- I wanted to keep that between us, Rusty.

I guess I should have been more clear when I said,

"Let's keep that between us."

Now, does anyone have a news story?

Stella.

- Are butt pimples contagious?

- I have absolute proof that the school nurse

might be an alien.

- I don't know what's wrong

with that melon story I pitched.

Thing's grown to darn near the size of a baby head.

- What's the hook?

Why are we watching?

- Because it's grown to darn near the size of a baby head.

You put a live feed on that and the audience

will be happier than a kitten chasing a leaky cow.

- So we got nothing.

- Is that nothing with the melon,

or nothing without the melon?

- Thank God for "Real Talk with Rusty".

Without my show, our ratings would be in the toilet.

- "Real Talk with Rusty" has been

the top-rated middle school news show in the tri-state area

for seven months running.

- You get a juice box!

And you get a juice box!

Everybody gets a juice box!

- I think if y'all just saw the melon.

It's really quite majestic.

- I hate to interrupt.

- Please do.

- We have a new student for you guys to do a profile on.

Name is Charlie Uggo.

- Oh, great.

Another new student segment.

Suddenly, the whole melon exposé

is sh**ting up the charts.

- Being the new kid can't be easy.

Let's try our best to give Charlie

a real Royal Woods welcome.

- Thank you, Lincoln.

Oh, look, here she comes now.

- She?

[upbeat pop music]

- ♪ Ooh, Dream Weaver ♪

♪ I believe you can get me through the night ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh, Dream Weaver ♪

♪ I believe we can reach the mornin' light ♪

- Guys, this is Charlie Uggo.

- Actually, it's pronounced "U-joe".

It's French.

I just moved here from Tennessee.

- Well, that seems appropriate, because you're

the only ten I see.

[crickets chirping]

- If y'all don't like the melon story,

got these crickets here can chirp the alphabet.

- So, we're going to do the normal stuff on this one.

Name, grade, where she's from, why she moved here.

- I think we should ask her what kind of shampoo she uses.

Because her hair smells like a summer breeze.

- These new student interviews are generally

only about a minute long.

- A minute?

But that would barely scratch the surface with her.

I mean, the people are going to want to know more about her.

She comes from a big family.

She likes magic.

Video games.

Comic books.

Mm, Clyde.

I really like this--

segment.

- OK, Lincoln, geez.

- I'm sorry.

This butt pimple has me really on edge.

And I take the news very, very seriously.

How does my hair look?

- Whoever has stomach issues, get your farts out now.

[farting sounds]

[loud fart]

Lily, impressive.

Office hours start now.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

OK. Say "ah".

- Ah!

- One more time.

- Ahhh!

- Oh, oh! - What's wrong?

- Brain freeze.

It's really bad.

Take two boxes of these, and call me in the morning.

Next!

What did I tell you about sunbathing on the roof?

- Don't fall off.

- Just pour some of this on it. - Ranch dressing?

- Uh-uh.

Cool ranch.

Next!

You got to stop sticking your head in strange places.

- Yeah, yeah.

[machine whirring]

[buzzing]

That man's a genius.

- Indeed I am.

[chuckles]

Very funny.

Well done.

But it is a comedy prop.

Real patients only. Out.

What happened?

- I took a shortcut through the woods to school today.

Apparently, my sneeze sounds a lot like a turkey call.

- OK, well, I guess I'll just have to use

this table for leverage.

I'm going to need you to close your eyes,

and bite down on this spoon.

Don't look at me like that.

All right, here we go.

One, two--

Hey, you're lucky. I was gonna go on two.

- Ugh. OK.

Nothing against your medical skills,

but this family needs a real doctor.

Possibly on -hour call.

- Well, I don't hear Buckethead complaining.

[clang]

Eyes up, sweetie!

- Yeah, yeah.

- Listen, I know this isn't ideal,

but unless our resident gravedigger unearths

a pirate treasure in our backyard,

this may be our best option.

- Lynn, wait.

- What?

- ♪ Oooh, Dream Weaver ♪

♪ I believe you can get me through the night ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh, Dream Weaver ♪

- What's up, doc?

- Hi, I'm Stella Zhau.

And now with our new student segment

is Lincoln Loud with the "Royal Woods Royal Welcome."

- Thanks, Stella.

I'm standing here with Charlie Uggo.

That's French.

Charlie just moved here from Tennessee.

Tell us, Charlie.

What brought you and your family to Royal Woods?

- Well, Lincoln-- [muffled voice]

- ♪ Oooh, Dream Weaver ♪

♪ I believe you can get me through the night ♪

- --and that's why we moved here.

- That's a funny story.

- My dad being out of work?

- Before that.

- The factory fire?

- Yes.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

I have a butt pimple.

It's sore to the touch.

I wanted to pop it yesterday, but my sister

said it wasn't ready.

- I can't look away.

- Butt pimple.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[light suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, hey, hey, Linc.

What's popping?

- Not funny, Mr. Coconuts.

- Hey! Don't be mad at him

just because you're the butt of somebody else's joke.

- Has everyone seen this video?

- Well, I don't know if everyone's seen it,

but million people have seen the remix.

- ♪ I--I--I--I have a butt pimple ♪

♪ It's sore to the touch ♪

- ♪ Sore to the touch ♪

- ♪ Butt pimple ♪

♪ I wanted to pop it yesterday ♪

- I'm sure this whole thing's gonna die down, right?

- ♪ Butt pimple, sore to the touch ♪

♪ I--I--I--I have a butt pimple ♪

- Where did you get that shirt?

- Oh, Flip's selling 'em.

Check out the back.

- I'm never going to be able to show my face in school again.

- Hey, Linc, if you ever need to go into hiding,

I got a good bucket guy.

- Thanks, Lana, but I think I'm gonna go lie down.

[somber music]

♪ ♪

- Our mission, that we are forced into because

of our financial situation, is to invite our new neighbor

over for dinner, charm him,

and then hold him c*ptive until he gives our children

free medical care.

both: Let's do this.

[lively music]

♪ ♪

- [whispering] Wow.

He really likes that chicken.

We got to try that place.

[normal voice] Good evening, Mr. Simmons.

- Dr. Simmons.

- Well, sugar my biscuits!

I didn't know we had a doctor in the neighborhood.

- [whispering] I didn't know we were doing characters.

- I made a choice. - OK.

We just wanted to stop by

and welcome you to the neighborhood.

And if you're free, we'd love to have you over to the house

for dinner tomorrow night.

- And I'm not interested.

[door slams]

- [clears throat] I guess that means

it'll just be more of my world famous fried chicken

for the rest of us.

I don't know if you know this,

but I am the best chef in Royal Woods.

- I'll be there at :.

[energetic rock music]

- Oh, Bun-Bun.

How could I have been so immature?

She's the perfect girl for me, and I totally blew it.

I used to be the man with the plan.

Now I'm the boy with the butt pimple.

I don't think this day could get any worse.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Hey!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Don't worry, I'm giving you the friends

and family discount.

- I appreciate the discount, Lucy,

but I don't want you to bury me.

- Sigh.

I've never buried someone famous before.

- Hi, Lincoln.

- Are you guys here to pile on?

Because there's more shovels in the garage.

- You're our baby brother.

We're here to help.

- Not me.

I wouldn't be caught dead with you.

Stop it.

- Good one.

- Thanks for taking care of me, you guys.

I can't believe I blew it with Charlie.

- Come on, little bro, don't hang your head.

- Yeah, you can totally bounce back from this.

- I don't know how that's possible.

- Anything is possible when you have us.

- You really think so?

- We know so.

We're going to train you how to get the girl.

- You guys are the best!

- We're going to turn you into a lean--

- Mean--

- Lady-k*lling machine.

- Let's do this!

[motivational music]

♪ ♪

- Who's ready for some fried chicken?

[record scratch] ALL: We are!

[laughter]

[somber music]

- Hey.

What's going on, Linc?

- The girls were going to help me win Charlie back,

and then they just stopped.

- Oh, well, maybe I can help you.

- Really? - Sure.

- You'd do that? - Yes.

- Thanks, Dad. [doorbell rings]

- Oh!

The doctor's here.

[music winds down]

- We'll clear the dishes.

- That was the most tender chicken I've ever had.

Well, got to go.

- Uh, wait, you can't leave.

We thought maybe we'd go into the living room

and play some board games.

- Yes, and I could prepare some after-supper drinks

like a mint julep or some sarsaparilla.

- Well, I have open heart surgery at : a.m.

But, I do love sarsaparilla.

- Oh, well then, why don't you come on over and sit awhile?

- History.

- Which British monarch had the most wives?

- Chaz VII. - Henry VIII.

- Oh, darn!

OK, your turn.

- Sports. - Ooh.

- Ah!

[clears throat] If you were punctured

by an arrow in archery class, after removing the arrow,

how would you treat what looks like an infection?

- Well, obviously, I'd go to the ER.

- You didn't let me finish.

And you can't go to the ER.

- Well, I'd flush the wound with saline solution

and suture it with dissolvable stitches.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Would yarn work?

- Yarn?

- Nope, nope.

Well, let's just give him another card, hmm?

- Sure.

Ooh, history.

[clears throat]

Sir William the Buckethead had bucket on his head,

how would you get it off?

- Can I see that card?

- Uh-uh-uh.

That's against the rules, Dr. Simmons.

- And we're very rule centric here at the Loud house.

Here we go.

Movies. [clears throat]

In "Gone with the Wind", is salad dressing

bad for a sunburn?

- Oh, I see what's going on here.

You think you're the first to try

to wrangle free medical advice from me?

[laughs] Nice try.

- Dr. Simmons, please, wait.

- Look.

You seem like...

decent people.

And the chicken was delicious.

So I will treat one of your children.

- Our brother has a butt pimple.

- It's the only thing standing between him

and what might be true love.

- A butt pimple!

[suspenseful music]

- I've lanced a lot of butt pimples in my day,

but that one fought back.

Wear that overnight,

you'll be good as new in the morning.

- Thanks, doc.

You're a real lifesaver.

- Come here.

Good luck with the girl.

[tender music]

♪ ♪

- I have to say, you guys are the best.

When I was lying in Lucy's grave earlier,

I had lost all hope.

Because of you, Lincoln Loud is back,

and more confident than ever.

[doorbell rings]

- Oh, I'll bet that's the doctor

back to fix the rest of you.

- I've got to get back into character.

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

- I haven't seen you at school,

so I wanted to give you your homework.

♪ ♪

I've got to go.

- Wait! Don't leave!

I'm only wearing this diaper because the doctor

lanced my butt pimple.

- I'm Zach Gurdle with breaking news.

Found footage from a neighbor's door camera

reveals Butt Pimple Boy in new humiliation.

♪ ♪

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

- I'm sorry we ran the story, Lincoln.

Principal Ramirez said ratings are key.

- I understand.

I don't know what I'm going to do, Clyde.

- I'll tell you what you're going to do.

You're going to come on to "Real Talk with Rusty"

tomorrow, and I'm going to restore your image.

[funky upbeat music]

♪ ♪

You know him as Butt Pimple Boy,

and others know him as Diaper dude.

But there's so much more to our first guest.

It's time to get real on "Real Talk with Rusty".

Please give a warm welcome to Lincoln Loud!

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

I noticed he sat down pretty confidently there.

How's the pimple?

- Pimples fine, Rusty.

- Mm-hmm.

And how's your heart?

- Still healing.

- You can't put a diaper on your heart.

Let's pop that pimple a little more.

Tell us about the humiliation.

- Oh, I think everyone saw the humiliation.

- They did.

I saw it multiple times.

I even sent it to my grandma.

Partly because it's funny,

and partly because we're running out

of ways to connect.

But walk us through the humiliation, Lincoln.

- Like you said, everyone already saw it.

Even Nana Spokes.

- Humiliation sells, Lincoln.

Give the people what they want.

- You know what, Rusty?

You're right.

Humiliation does sell.

And maybe that's the problem.

[gentle music]

We're all so quick to point out anyone who's different.

We live in a world where people think they have to be perfect.

We have filters on our phones that make us

look thinner, cuter, stronger.

But these filters cover up the things that make us human.

For me, it was a butt pimple.

For someone else, it might be a bad haircut,

or wearing their mom's homemade clothes that

are way too small for them.

We're all going to have moments in life

we're embarrassed about.

But the key is to have the confidence

to not let it bring you down.

My name is Lincoln Loud,

and I'm wearing a diaper right now.

For a partially healed butt pimple.

And I'm proud of it, because I'm not perfect,

but I love myself.

Blemishes and all.

[audience aws]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

- Ladies and gentlemen, we just got real.

- Whoo-hoo!

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

You get a diaper!

You get a diaper!

You get a diaper!

And you get a diaper!

[gentle music]

♪ ♪

- You were amazing.

- Thanks.

I'm just glad you'll still talk to me after all that stuff.

- Are you kidding? You're awesome.

All that stuff you said about having to not be perfect,

it really hit close to home.

I have an extra toe.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Charlie, would you like to go to Auntie Pam's

and have a milkshake with me?

- Oh, my gosh, that sounds amazing.

Rusty and I were about to head over there to celebrate

his great interview.

- Hey, babe. - Great news.

Lincoln's going to join us for Auntie Pam's.

- Perfect.

Who wants to share some french fries?

Sorry, it takes me a while to come down.

♪ ♪

- Hey, am I late?

- Nope, right on time.

Make some room, people.

♪ ♪

- We're all so proud of you, Lincoln.

- Yeah, little bro, you really rocked that speech today.

- People need to hear that stuff.

- Hear what? I can't hear anything.

- I may not have gotten the girl,

but I have you guys.

And I made a difference, so that's what's important.

- Hey, don't worry, Lincoln.

When I was in middle school,

I had to ask my first girlfriend out times

before she said yes.

Of course she left the country the next day.

It's a long story.

The point is never give up.

- Your first girlfriend?

Oh, I'm weak in the knees just thinking about my man

pining for another.

Oh!

I'm OK.

- Looks like I'm going to have to take some more

fried chicken to our new neighbor.

♪ ♪