01x02 - The Chore Thing

[bunniefuu]

- [whistles]

- Come on! It's picture time!

[upbeat music]

- ♪ In the Loud house, "Really Loud House"! ♪

- For me...

the perfect Saturday has three things--

the hot sun, a cool drink,

and ocean as far as the eye can see.

[dolphins chittering]

Now, I know what you're thinking.

"There's no ocean in Royal Woods."

Well, there is now.

Clyde's dads wanted to renew their wedding house in Hawaii,

but they didn't wanna leave Clyde behind.

- years ago, we began our forever story.

- Thank you for choosing me to write it with.

Ow.

- They only have these swaggy goggles

rented for one more day.

So Clyde and I are gonna savor every moment

at the virtual beach.

- According to my shiny new clipboard,

this house is a greasy, grimy mess.

- Chore day. - But that grease and grime

is no match for the Loud family,

because we are a what?

Starts with a T.

- Tired? - Rhymes with dream.

- I had a dream that dad was marching around

waving an old, nasty toilet brush at us.

- That's not a dream, Leni. You're awake.

- Okay. Team.

Team was the word I was looking for.

FYI, this toilet brush is brand new.

Now it's time to hand out assignments.

Oh, that's not the new one.

Luna, you have the windows.

Leni, you're closets. Ohh!

- Chore day in the Loud House is, well, a chore.

Luckily, I've got a time-tested method of getting out of it.

It turns out if you do a job really bad,

the grownups will get frustrated

and just do it for you.

- Lincoln. Lincoln!

You gotta empty that bag before it ex--

[engine stutters]

[whispering] Explodes.

[clattering]

You know what?

I'll just do it myself.

And now the moment of truth.

I've placed each of your names in this hat.

The first name that I pull out will be the name of the person

who must clean...

the bathroom.

- No. - Dude!

- Gross. - No, no, no, no, no.

- Oh, yes. This is happening.

Now, Lily will do the honors.

Lily...

do you understand the magnitude

of what you're about to do?

- Magnitude.

- And the winner is...

Lisa.

- [exhales] - Lisa!

- No problemo.

I'll be doing it with my newest invention.

The Zapmaster , the most powerful cleaning device

ever invented.

- I'm sorry. I have to go to work.

- Hi.

- Apparently the town librarian is

shaving his mustache for the first time in years.

- Hmm! - That's front page news.

- That thing's glorious.

- Do you want me to take Lily with me?

I mean, keeping all these kids on task

and taking care of a toddler, that is a lot on your plate,

sweetie. - Are you kidding?

I got this. Trust me.

- Last time you said, "Trust me,"

I had to poop in the woods.

- What? - True story.

- I just don't want her to get lost in the shuffle.

- Honey, she's not gonna get lost in the shuffle.

I will make her my top priority.

Lily. Lil.

Come here, kiddo.

Lil Meister. - You're holding her.

- Oh! - This is me.

- Oh, sorry. Hi.

We're fine. - We're fine.

- Bye, everybody. - Bye, hun.

Everything's totally under control.

- Bye. - You better start cleaning.

- Time for Operation Do A Bad Job At Chores

So Dad Will Get Frustrated And Do My Chores For Me.

- Looking good, Linc.

Couldn't do a better job myself.

- We'll see about that.

- Aren't we supposed to be cleaning the kitchen?

- I've decided we're going to watch

"Vampire Bloodbath " instead.

I'm going to watch it in the basement

so no one will find us.

- A scary movie in the scariest part of the house?

Cool.

- You're afraid, aren't you?

- I'm--I'm not afraid.

- It's not your fault. Not everyone is drawn to

the dark underworld of the unknown.

[slurping]

This needs more mint sprinkles.

- Leni, what are you doing?

According to my clipboard, you're supposed to be

organizing the homework closet.

- I was, but then I remembered I hate homework.

So I decided I would organize my closet.

Then I realized I hate homework and all my clothes.

- I have two jobs--

keep you guys on task and watch Lily.

[guitar chords]

Why is Luna playing guitar?

She's supposed to be cleaning the windows.

- [sighs]

- Everything looks good on you, Lily.

- I know.

♪ ♪

- Luna.

Luna!

Why aren't you washing windows?

- I like to get in the cleaning mood

by laying down a few clean licks.

- You sound great, but listen.

I have two jobs--

keep you guys on task and take care of--good gravy.

Where's Lily?

- Oh, Dad already lost Lily,

and he told Mom he'd watch her.

Excited to see how this one unfolds.

- And this is?

- I decided if I don't make it as a professional athlete,

I need a backup plan.

So I'm practicing to be a sports announcer.

[doorbell rings] - It's probably Child Services.

Okay. You guys find Lily.

I'll cover. Make a hole.

♪ ♪

Oh.

Hey, Clyde. What's up?

- The sun's up, and the surf's up.

What's up?

[light music]

Lincoln and I are gonna spend the day on the virtual beach.

Even though it's virtual, my dads made me wear sunscreen.

- Oh, well, can never be too careful.

Unfortunately, today is chore day.

So Lincoln's not available. - Right.

But Lincoln broke the fancy glasses,

so you told him it would be easier if you just

did it yourself like always.

- Oh.

Is that what happened?

[shattering sound]

- Hey, Dad, you might wanna

clean the fancy glasses yourself.

I think some of them are busted.

- Oh, something's busted all right,

and his name is Lincoln Loud.

- She's right.

Clyde just told me about your little plan

so you can get out of chore day.

So I've decided that you'll be doing

all of the yard work.

- We'll be right back after these messages.

- [giggling]

- Sit back and relax, young squire.

You're about to see science revolutionize

the household cleaning industry.

- Knock, knock. - Who's there?

- I have to pee. - I have to pee, who?

- This isn't a joke, Lisa. I really have to pee.

- I'm conducting a high-level scientific experiment,

and you don't have the clearance.

- What about Lily?

- She's here as an apprentice.

Frankly, she's our only hope

of having another scientist in this family.

- [giggling]

- Fine. I'll use the bushes.

[power-up thrumming]

[electrical zapping] - [gasps]

Sweet mother of science.

I've zapped Lily into oblivion.

- I'm sorry, Lincoln.

Mowing the lawn is gonna take the entire day.

- Was going to take the entire day.

Lucky for you, your BFF is also the MWP.

- MWP?

- Man with the plan.

I'd like to introduce you to our secret w*apon.

- You want this thing to go really fast?

[power-down thrumming] - Lily.

Lily. Lily.

Hey, I just saw Luan in the bushes,

and she said you found Lily.

- Technically, yes.

But you know Lily.

She's always disappearing somewhere.

- Don't I know it.

Lily?

Oh.

Oh, what d*ed in here?

Wow, Lynn. Oh, that smells.

Lily!

Lily?

Lil?

Lily?

- Clyde? - Yeah.

- I hope you brought two pairs of underwear.

[tires screeching]

- I did!

both: Whoa!

- It was nice knowing you guys.

- [distantly] Lana!

- Hi, Carol.

Yes. Mm-hmm.

I see your capri pants. [squeaking sounds]

Do you have them in black, pink,

orange, blue, navy blue, sky blue, white, and off-white?

Luna, could you please stop making that noise?

- Hey, have you guys seen Lily?

I haven't lost her or anything.

- Luna's window cleaning is distracting me

from ordering a whole new wardrobe.

- I'm sorry, dude.

But music just makes everything more fun.

- You two need to focus on your work, okay?

No more distractions.

[rhythmic squeaking]

[dance music]

♪ ♪

Party people in the house say-- - What?

- Party of people wearing glasses say--

- What!

- Party people on the phone say--

- What!

- Party people named Tanya say--

- What!

- Party people in the house say--

- What!

[phone ringing] - Oh, uh, uh...

excuse me, Tanya.

Hey, hun!

- Hey, how is everything going?

- Oh, psshh, uh, uh, amazing.

The kids are really focused on their work,

and Clyde's even helping with the yard work.

[both screaming]

♪ ♪

- Aah! - Aah!

- Oh, heck no! [siren wailing]

- Can I see my sweet Lily?

- Absolutely.

I know exactly where she is.

But you know, you know, the reception up in this hallway

is pretty--

- Hello?

Honey?

Hello?

Am I in the toilet?

- With his back against the wall,

Dad throws a desperation Hail Mary and lies to Mom.

- Not in the mood, Lynn.

- Gross.

- Isn't this more fun than chores?

- That's the great thing about these movies.

You know these monsters aren't real?

- On the contrary, these half-goat,

half-serpent creatures roamed the countryside

in ancient Mesopotamia.

Some say they still exist.

Their jaws are so powerful, they can chew through--

- Computer cords?

[snarling sounds]

I'm gonna run to the kitchen and get us another milkshake.

Might take a while,

so I'll maybe come back tomorrow.

- But we haven't even finished these.

- Good point. I'll get us some fresh ones.

[doorknob clattering]

Oops.

[snarling, growling sounds]

Help!

We're stuck in the basement with a Mesopotamian monster.

[pounding on door]

[twirr]

- The reason I called this family meeting

is because Lily is missing.

I mean, she-- she's not "missing."

It's just that I can't "find her."

If there's one thing I'm proud of

is the fact that I can keep track of all my kids.

Where are all my kids?

- If you're just joining us, Dad promised Mom

he wouldn't lose Lily.

And now he's lost of his children.

- I know where Lily is.

- Right?

- She's in another dimension.

- Oh, great.

- I accidentally Zapmastered her.

Right now, the best course of action

would be to have somebody hold this tracking device,

then zap them into the same dimension.

Of course, there is a possibility

that that person would be sent to an entirely

different dimension or possibly a bottomless blackhole.

- Okay.

Okay.

Who would like to do that?

[scattered laughs]

- Why, don't we put the tracking

device on one of Lana's pets?

- I agree. - Yeah.

Sounds great. - That's a good idea.

- The only one brave enough would be Hops.

But we're not on speaking terms

since I put him on a low-carb diet.

- Sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Let's get Hops a piece of bread and see

if we can talk him into it. - Yeah.

- What are you doing down here?

- I'm protecting Hops. What are you guys doing?

- We're trapped down here with a half-goat half-serpent.

- Sorry, Hops.

[growling sounds]

- You boys have any identification?

- I have my ID from my Quiche Club.

- Ooh. I love a good quiche.

I'm gonna have to take you boys downtown and book you.

- Book us?

That's what they do before they throw people in jail.

We're good kids. I promise.

Lincoln, show him.

- Please stop doing that.

- Okay. Clyde, I'll call my dad

and clear this whole thing up.

[muffled chiming]

He's not answering. - Mm-hmm.

- Attention all cars.

Auntie Pam's ice cream truck has been h*jacked

by Milkshake Marty and the Custard g*ng.

- I'm on my way.

Hold on, boys.

both: Aah! [twirr]

- The reason I called another family meeting

is to inform you all that I'm going to find Lily.

I'm also going to find Lola, Lucy, and Lincoln.

Where is Lana?

- This is a sport update with Lynn Loud.

Dad has now lost four but of his children.

How do you feel about the events that have transpired?

Back to you, Dad.

- Mom is gonna k*ll me.

I don't think this could get any worse.

Where is Luan?

- So you're telling me you lost the doorknob

and we're stuck down here with the Mesopotamian monster?

Well, at least I take a break from Lynn's

nonstop sportscasting.

- Boo!

The crowd did not like that one.

- Me and Coconuts are gonna go find that doorknob.

[snarling and growling]

[breathing heavily]

Maybe later.

- You don't want to mess with Milkshake Marty and his g*ng.

If anything happens to me, tell Dolores I love her.

- Is Dolores your wife?

- My cat.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Auntie Pam.

Oh, thank God, you're okay.

I just got a call you were h*jacked by Milkshake Marty.

- [high voice] I appreciate it, Officer.

Uh, Milkshake Marty came by.

He purchased an ice cream cone,

left a generous tip,

and then he just went on his way.

Uh...

But, uh, thanks for coming by anyway.

Would you like an ice cream cone for the road?

Free of charge.

- Auntie Pam, I can't eat when I'm on duty.

What's the flavor of the day?

- [deep voice] It's ice cream, pal.

- Wait a minute.

That's not Auntie Pam.

That's Milkshake Marty.

We gotta go stop him.

- The officer told us not to get out of the car,

and we're already wanted for speeding.

I can't be accused of car getting outing.

- Give me the loud speaker.

[feedback whine] This is Lincoln Loud speaking.

Hey, I'm Loud, speaking on the loud speaker.

- Awesome.

- If you're the real Auntie Pam,

what kind of cake did I order on my birthday?

- Uh...birthday cake, of course.

- Aha. That was a trick question.

Auntie Pam doesn't serve cake.

- [gasps]

I've done it again!

♪ ♪

[siren blaring]

You boys are heroes.

Milkshake Marty is the biggest dessert king pin

since Pablo Ice Cream Bar.

Legend has it he ground up Pablo's entire g*ng into

a milkshake and drank them.

- It's true.

They were armed and delicious.

- [slurping]

- Ugh! - Oh, look at the time.

This has been fun, but we gotta head home.

We don't live in Royal Woods, by the way.

- Nope. We live in a town far, far away

that you have never heard of.

- Not so fast, boys.

You still have to pay the speeding ticket.

- We can't afford that.

We're not rich. - My dads do okay.

- Then I guess you boys can pay your debt

to society in another way.

[twirr]

- Before we start the meeting,

can someone please read the list of children I have lost?

- Lily, Lola, Lana, Lucy, Lincoln, Lynn, and Luan.

- And we're pretty sure Hops ran away.

- Great news. - You found the kids?

- The new cashmere sweaters are in.

- Leni, you can't buy all new clothes.

If you wanna go shopping, try the attic.

There's years of hand-me-downs up there,

and based on the kids I've lost,

you'll have plenty to choose from.

- Yay!

- None of these clothes work.

- Well, I found a headband that I thought I lost.

- And I found my favorite lab coat.

- Great. Everyone loves their clothes but me.

- I think I saw some boxes of mom's old clothes

down in the basement.

- I remember reading an interview

in "Mom Jeans Magazine" that said fashion

trends go in -year cycles.

That means all of mom's old clothes are back in style.

- This is even worse than my regular chores.

- It's my fault, Lincoln.

None of this would've happened if I'd hadn't

messed up your original plan.

- Clyde, you're a genius. - I am?

- We're gonna get out of this with my original plan.

- Aah!

You're doing it all wrong.

Just go on home. I'll do it myself.

- Hey, honey. How was your day?

I made your favorite pot roast,

and I lost all of our children.

kids: Dad! - Kids?

- Dad!

- Uh--ugh! - Dad!

- Kids? - The door doesn't open.

- Sure it does.

all: No!

The door doesn't open from this side.

- Oh.

[snarling, growling]

- It's the goat beast.

- The what now?

- The heroes are home.

Where is everybody?

- Wow.

They didn't do a very good job cleaning.

- Everything falls apart when I'm not here.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

Oh, no. - What?

- Don't you see what's happened?

Milkshake Marty got his revenge.

- But he's in jail.

I saw it with my own eyes.

- He must have had some henchmen on the outside.

They came in and crushed my own family up in milkshake

and drank them.

They were all wearing silly hats and having so much fun.

And now they're gone.

It's all because I was trying to get out of doing chores.

[snarling, growling]

- Sounds like the half-goat half-rake is getting hungry.

- It's half-goat half-snake.

- That's much worse.

- That's it. I'm taking down the beast.

- Lola, no! - I may be a scaredy cat,

but this scaredy cat's about to kick some Mesopotamia butt.

Dance kick. Pageant wave!

- I should probably go help her, right?

[snarling continues]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Boo.

- I found Lily. - Lily?

- Hi. - And the doorknob.

- Our family's all together.

Lily, do you understand the magnitude of this moment?

- Magnitude.

- Right!

Where is Lincoln?

- Lincoln, it isn't your fault.

- Yes, it is.

I know that I did wrong, but if you

just gimme my family back, I promise

to clean this entire house.

And I'll never try to get out of doing

chores again, because nothing means more to me

than my family.

- Hi. - You guys are alive!

Clyde and I got arrested for speeding

and then stopped a major crime,

but we thought Milkshake Marty drank you guys.

- Okay. I don't know what you're talking about,

but let's not tell your mother that story.

all: Aww.

- I'd love to hug forever, but Lincoln's

gotta clean the house.

- Well, that only took , hours.

Guess we should start cleaning the rest of the house.

- At this pace, we should be done by the end of the year.

- Maybe by the end of the month.

- We just cleaned the whole upstairs.

- Make that the end of the week.

- We cleaned the garage. - And the yard.

- Lynn and I did the downstairs.

I didn't use the Zapmaster.

- Wow.

Thank you, guys.

I really do have the best family ever.

- Strong words, sports fans.

And a happy ending to this Cinderella story.

This is Lynn Loud signing off forever.

Turns out sportscasting's a lot of work.

- Okay.

Now nobody spill anything, okay?

[overlapping chatter]

Hey! - Hi, Mom.

- Wow.

The house looks amazing.

- Thank you very much. Get in here.

- Whoo! - Yeah. Now, we're complete.

- How did I ever doubt you?

- It was a piece of cake.

It was very uneventful.

- Right. - Right.

- Hey, where are Lincoln and Clyde?

- Oh, I told them they could skip the movie.

They were very excited to hit the virtual beach.

[bright music]

♪ ♪

[dolphin chitters]

[chittering continues]