03x02 - Paperback Hero!

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: This is
the Evergreen forest.

Quiet, peaceful, serene.

That is, until
Bert Raccoon wakes up.

Bert Raccoon: Yahoooo!

♪♪

Yeeeehaaaa!

Yikes!

Yaaaah...
[bam!]

[laughs]
[smash!]

Yeaaaah!

Narrator: Luckily, he has some
good friends to help him out.

Broo: [panting]

♪♪

Narrator: Life would be simple
in the forest except for...

Cyril Sneer!

[bleep blarp bloop]

And his life would be simple
except for...

the Raccoons!!

♪ [show theme music]

♪♪

♪♪

Bert: Cedric!!!

Cedriiiic!!
Cedriiiic!!

Aaah! I don't think
I can make it!

[struggles]

The piranha,
they're getting closer!

Cedric: Just as it looked
like we've outraced

the ravenous piranha,

our look took a
turn for the worse!

♪♪

Bert: What happens next, Cedric?

Cedric: Giant
crocodiles slithered

from the banks
of the Orinoco River

and scythed toward us.

Bert: Oh no!!

Not crocodiles!

Aaah!
[bubbling sound]

Uuh! Thanks, trusty guide!

Cedric: Uh-uh-ehm,

As we left one
deadly danger behind,

we knew that even
greater peril lay in our path

to the lost city of Pongo.

Bert: Boy, can that Sir Malcolm
Havelock write a story!

It's just like you're
right there with him.

Wouldn't that be something
to meet him, Cedric?

[airplane having trouble]






The greatest explorer
in the world!

Cedric: Bert, look!

Oh, is he in trouble?

[propeller engines sputtering]

Sir Malcolm Havelock:
Lend us a hand, chaps?

Bert: Hey, you're..
you're Sir Malcolm Havelock!

Sir Malcolm:
Of course I am, old chap.

The one and only.

Bert: Wow!

♪♪

Bert: Well, here we are.

This is my bedroom, Sir Malcolm.

You can have the top bunk.
It's got the best view!

Sir Malcolm: Thanks
awfully, old boy,

but...I prefer
the lower bunk.

Broo: [barking]
Sir Malcolm: Uh-aaah!

Oh, leaping leopards,
what's that?

Bert: It's just
Broo, Sir Malcolm.

Sir Malcolm: Dogs? Ugh!

Never trusted them,

since I was trapped by a pack of

wild dingos in the Outback.

Bert: Ohh.. well, okay,

I-I'll put him outside then.

Sorry little buddy, you're
gonna have to stay outside

while Sir Malcolm's here.

Broo: [whines sadly]

Sir Malcolm: Bert, I've
been all over the world

and I can categorically state

that these are the best
peanut butter sandwiches

I've ever eaten!

Bert: Ah, it's just a talent!

Sir Malcolm: No, seriously!

Why, if you were along to
cook on one of my expeditions,

I'd be a happier
explorer, Bert, old man.

Bert: Gosh! Gooosh!!!

Sir Malcolm: By the way,
do you know Lady Baden-Baden?

Cedric: [giggles] Everybody
knows Lady Baden-Baden.

Sir Malcolm: Ohh, jolly good.

She's invited me to give a
luncheon address to her club.

Then I'll be signing some books.

Here's my latest.
He-he, have you read it?

Tales from the Adventurers Club.

Bert: Of course I have!
What a story!

I love the part when you
climb the giant Redondo tree

and then the
helicopter. And there's..

Sir Malcolm: Yes, yes,
I wrote it, old man.

Bert: Do you know we got
our own club, Sir Malcolm,

haven't we Cedric?

Sir Malcolm: Well then,
we must visit it, mustn't we?

Oh, I say nothing like
sitting on the club veranda

in the afternoon, eh what?

Melissa: Bert? Why was
Broo locked outside?!

Bert: Ralph, Melissa,
prepare to be shocked,

surprised a-a-and amazed!

I'd like to present to you

the greatest explorer
in the world!

Sir Malcolm Havelock!

Ralph: We heard you were coming

to the Evergreen
Forest, Sir Malcolm,

It's an honor to meet you.

Melissa: I hope
you enjoy your stay.

Sir Malcolm: Yes, well, ehm.
Yeah, thank you.

[crows cawing]
The Pigs: Boss, boss!!!

Guess who's in town?

Pig 1: Sir Malcolm Havelock!

Sneer: So what?? Does that mean
you have to dress like

rejects from a jungle picture?

Pig 2: But boss, he's the
greatest explorer in the world!

Pig 2: We've read all his books!

Pig 3: He's discovered
more treasure,

than any 10 explorers
put together.

Sneer: I don't care if he..
treasure?

Pig 1: Oh yes, boss! There's
The Treasure of Kalakoko.

And then there's
these Benin Dodo.

Oh, that was a big one.

Oh, and look!

The Fortunate Fando Lolo Lolo.

Sneer: Hmmm.. treasure, eh?

Ha! Old treasure.
[laughs]

Bert: There it is,
Sir Malcolm. Our club.

Sir Malcolm: Ouh!

Cedric: You should have seen
it before we fixed it up.

Bert: And this is our raft,
the Companion Ship.

Hey, this probably
reminds you of the time

you went up the Limpopo by raft,
right Sir Malcolm?

Sir Malcolm: Uh-ah..
yes rather yeah..

Cedric: That was quite an
expedition, Sir Malcolm!

Are you planning any
more like that one?

Sir Malcolm: Well...
uh-ehm, ehm.

Confidentially, oh boy,

I'm planning to locate

the lost city of Lingodo,

and the treasure of Marbu

that's supposed to be
hidden beneath it.

Bert: That's fantastic!

Boy! What I wouldn't give
to go with you, Sir Malcolm.

Sir Malcolm:
Well, it's not all fun.

Eh, excuse me Bert,
what are you doing there?

Bert: Oh, I thought you might
like to go for a spin

on my raft, Sir Malcolm.

Sir Malcolm: Oh,
leaping leopards, old man!

Uh-oh-eh!
It's Wednesday, yes!

And well, all adventurers know

that the uh, the, the,
the Wizards of Wendigo

say that it's dashed bad
luck to raft on Wednesdays.

Yes! Uh, oh my goodness.

Broo: [barking]

Sir Malcolm: [screams]
[splash!]

Bert: Broo, you
shouldn't do that!

Now look what you
made Sir Malcolm do!

Cedric: Bert, quick!
He's drowning, Bert!!

Sir Malcolm: [coughing, choking]

Ooh!

Certainly took your time

pulling me out, old boy!

Bert: Sorry, Sir Malcolm.

B-bu-but I, I just thought..

Cedric: We thought
you could swim!

After all, you did outrace the
piranhas and the crocodiles

in the Orinoco River?

Uhm, didn't you?

Sir Malcolm: Uh-oh-ehm,
well, of course I did!

But, emh..

That was before I was
sh*t in the leg...

...by poachers.

Ohh, the old leg is full
of lead now. Do you see?

It's not something
I like to talk about.

Brrr, egrr!

But, you'd be a good man
on an expedition, Bert.

You think on your feet!

Yes, indeed. A fine man!

Bert: Gee! Thanks, Sir Malcolm!

♪♪

Sir Malcolm: And as we
crested the last peak,

we saw below us

the fabulous lost city
of Koraqua.

Audience: Aaah!






set like a jewel
in green velvet.

It took 12 weeks to
recover the treasure!

Audience: Aaah!






And here I am with some of it.

This picture, of
course, was taken

at the Museum of
Modern Archaeology.

Audience: [applause]
Sir Malcolm: Thank you.

Audience: [applause]

Lady Baden-Baden: Uuh,
what an inspiration you are

to all of us, Sir Malcolm!

I do hope you stay and answer

some questions
from our audience.

Ohh, there's one now.

Yes?

- Ever get trapped in quicksand,
Sir Malcolm?

Sir Malcolm: Ummm..
not permanently.

Next?

- Did you ever get
lost, Sir Malcolm?

Sir Malcolm: [chuckles]
Not permanently.

Next?

Cedric: Those were terrific
slides, Sir Malcolm.

Uhm.. do you have
any of you at Koraqua?

Sir Malcolm: W-we-well,
um, I-I did!

Yeah, but jungle
mould got to them!

Ah! Dashed stuff, that
jungle mold, you know?

Next?

- Are you planning anymore
expeditions, Sir Malcolm?

Sir Malcolm: I have no
definite plans at the moment.

Bert: Aaah, don't be
so modest, Sir Malcolm!

Hey, tell us about your
plans to find the treasure

in the lost city of Lingodo.

Sir Malcolm: Well, t-th-that
would be a little premature.

Hey, after all these things are
dreadfully expensive, old boy.

Heh, you need all
sorts of equipment,

rafts and tents, rope,

soda water, ice,

Oh, it could take me
years to raise the money!

[doors slams]

Sneer: More like minutes,
Sir Malcolm!

♪♪

I'm here to tell you
that I, Cyril Sneer,

will finance Sir Malcolm's
next expedition!

It's just my small contribution

towards the exploration of this

wide and mysterious
world of ours.

For the betterment of humanity.

Ralph: Of course, the treasure
has nothing to do with.

[camera flashes]
[audience humming]

With my money and your
sense of direction,

there's nothing we can't do!

Sir Malcolm: But, uh-eh-emm,
this is so sudden, Mr. Sneer.

I.. you know nothing about me.

Sneer: I'm an excellent
judge of character.

I know you'll bring the treasure
of Maboo back from Lingodo!

Here! Sign this!
It's just a formality.

My standard expedition contract.

Thank you.

[hoofs tapping]
Snag: [squealing]





Sneer: Just what are you,
pinhead porkers doing?

Pig: Oh! We wanna go on
the expedition, boss!

Snag: [squealing]

Pig 2: We'd make great porters,
Sir Malcolm.

Sneer: You'll only be going,
if Sir Malcolm needs

a new pair of pigskin
hiking boots!

Get dessert!!

Cedric: Do you plan to wait
until the rainy season is over

before you start for
Lingodo, Sir Malcolm?

Sir Malcolm: Oh-eh-ugh,
of course, old boy, yes.

You can't travel
in the rainy season.

Oh no! That ends in.. um, May.

Cedric: I thought
the rain started in May.

Sir Malcolm:
Oh yes, that's right.

How could I have forgotten?

Cedric: I'm asking myself the
same question, Sir Malcolm.

Sneer: To Sir Malcolm,
and the lost city of Lingodo!

And of course, the
treasure of Baboo.

[laughs]

[clink!]

Ralph: Bert's certainly
gone a bit overboard

on the story about Sir Malcolm.

It reads like one of his books.

Good story, but very few facts.

Cedric: What do you mean, Ralph?

Ralph: Well, I've tried
to find supporting evidence

for some of
Sir Malcolm's claims,

but there's just no proof!

Cedric: And some of the
places he talks about,

aren't even on the map.

Bert: Of course
they're not on the maps!

They're lost cities, Cedric!

Ralph: I'm sorry, Bert,
but I just can't

print this story
without better proof.

Your only source is
Sir Malcolm and his books.

Bert: Well, what more
do ya' need?

Ralph: We need
eyewitness reports, Bert.

Bert: Ah! You want
eyewitness reports?

I'll get ya' eye
witness reports!!

Cedric: How, Bert?

Bert: I'll go with Sir Malcolm

on his expedition to the
lost city of Lingodo!

Bert: You know
it's tough packing

for a trip like
this one, Cedric?

I mean, I don't even know
how long I'll be gone.

It could be weeks! Months!!

Years!!!

Uh, what do you think?

Squash or tennis?

Bert: I wish you'd think
seriously about this, Bert.

Bert: Yeah, you're right, Cedric

The tennis racket.

Cedric: Well, I've
been checking on this,

and I'd really hate
to see you make a mistake.

Bert: Ah, you're right, Cedric,
I'll take 'em both.

Cedric: No, Bert!

I mean, I'm a bit worried about

you going with Sir Malcolm.

What do you really
know about him?

Bert: I know he wants me
to go with him!

Cedric: Are you sure
he said that, Bert?

Because I never...
Bert: Forget it, Cedric!

You're just jealous, 'cause
Sir Malcolm didn't ask you

to be his right hand man.

Huh! Now if you don't mind,

I have some serious
packing to
do...alone!

Sneer: As you can see,
I've spared no expense

on your equipment.

I want this to be your most
successful expedition!

♪ [upbeat music]

♪♪

♪ Here I go again,

♪ Falling out of line

♪ Falling in with someone new

♪ Here I go again,

♪ Getting out of line

♪ Forgetting there's
so much to lose ♪

♪ But I'm holding out for you

♪ Hoping that it's true,
I don't want somebody new ♪

♪♪
[laughing]

♪ Struggling in the dark

♪ Lost when we're apart

♪ No one makes me feel
like you do ♪

♪ Here I go again,

♪ Falling for a line

♪ No one but myself to blame

♪ Everywhere I turn,

♪ Searching for a sign






Pig: Uaaaah!

♪ Fall victim to the
same old game ♪

♪ But I'm holding out for you

♪ Hoping that it's true

♪ I don't want somebody new

♪ Don't want nobody new

♪ Struggling in the dark

♪ Lost when we're apart

♪ No one makes me feel
like you do ♪

♪♪

Sneer: This stuff costs a
bundle, but I always say,

a well-equipped explorer
finds the treasure.

Pig: [shrieks]

Sir Malcolm: Yes. [chuckles]

I always say that too!

Sneer: Fine! You leave
tomorrow at 0900.

Pigs: [scream]

Sir Malcolm: Now, see here...

[crash!]
Pig: Oooh!

Sir Malcolm: You can't
order me around like this!

Sneer: Oh no?

This contract you signed says

I own you, lock, stock
and barrel, Havelock!

And just so there's
no misunderstanding,

I get 90% of everything you make

on the lost city of Lingodo!

Treasure, movie rights,

books, lecture tours,
videos, the works...

Sir Malcolm: I thought
you were doing this

for the good of humanity?

Sneer: Don't be ridiculous!

Now get your stuff
packed and get some rest.

You'll need it.
[chuckles]

Get up, you lazy swine!

I want you to keep
an eye on Sir Malcolm.

He's a walking goldmine.

[laughs]

♪ [suspenseful music]

Cedric: Um, Sir Malcolm,

I think we should have a
talk about
your...expedition.

Sir Malcolm: Oh yes. It's
rather exciting, isn't it?

Cedric: Did you know, Bert is
planning to go along with you?

Sir Malcolm: But he can't!!

Cedric: I know he can't,

and I think you
should tell him why.

Sir Malcolm: W-what?
You know then?

Cedric: Yes,
Sir Malcolm, I know.

You can't swim,

you didn't know when the rainy
season comes to Lingodo,

and other things.

Sir Malcolm:
I suppose I'm not a very

convincing explorer, am I?

It's just, sometimes

you pretend to be
something so much,

you end up believing
it yourself.

Cedric: It'll be hard for
you to tell Bert that..that..

Sir Malcolm:
..that I'm not an explorer?

Yes, I hope he won't
hate me for it, Cedric.

Cedric: Not Bert.
He'll understand.

[blub, blub]

Sneer: What!?

That four-flushing fake!!

We'll see about this!

Bert: Now, where is it?

Sir Malcolm: Bert, I..
Bert: A-haa! Here it is!

My hot water bottle.

Sir Malcolm: Bert, please...

Bert: I'll bet you never go
anywhere without yours.

Right, Sir Malcolm?

Sir Malcolm: The fact is, Bert,

I've never been anywhere.

Bert: [laughs]

Ah, what a kidder!

Sir Malcolm: No, Bert,
I've never been to any of

the places in my books.

I'm just a writer

with a vivid imagination.

Bert: But.. um..
I-I don't understand.

Sir Malcolm:
It just happened, Bert.

Because of the things I wrote,

people expected me to be a hero.

So... I became one.

A paperback hero, Bert.

I'm not an explorer.

And there isn't going
to be an expedition.

I'm sorry..

Bert: I'm sorry too,
Sir Malcolm.

I-I-I don't know
what else to say.

[sobs]

Broo: Vrrr-vrr!

[barking]

Bert: Broo!!!

Sir Malcolm: I'll get him, Bert!

Broo: [barking]

[waterfall rushing]

Bert: He can't swim!

Cedric: What's up?

Bert: Cedric, gimme your bike!

Cedric: Huh?!

Sir Malcolm: Don't
worry, little fellow!

[waterfall rushing]

♪ [dramatic music]

♪♪
Broo: [barking]

♪♪

♪♪
Broo: [barking]

♪♪

[scared whining]

[whines]

♪ [suspenseful music]

[whines]

Cedric: Bert?

Bert: Tie the rope
to the bike, Cedric!

Broo: [whining]

[crunch]
[panic whines]

[swishing sound]

[yells] Goooo!

♪♪

[cracking/crashing]

♪♪

Broo: [happy barking]

Sir Malcolm:
Oh, thanks old boy!

[happy barking]
Oh, that was nearly

a nasty accident.

[thud!]

That was one of the finest
examples of quick thinking

I've ever seen, Bert!

What made you think
of using a bolo?

Bert: Your book, Sir Malcolm!

Across The Pampas.

If you hadn't
written about bolos,

you and Broo might have...

[gulps]

Gosh! Lady Baden-Baden
was right, Sir Malcolm.

You are an
inspiration to us all!

Sir Malcolm: Oh, nonsense!

I'm just a tired old writer
of adventure stories.

Bert: But don't you see,
Sir Malcolm?

you took me with you on

every expedition you ever made.

Even if you never
did what you said,

you made it seem real!

You traveled in the
land of the imagination!

And that's a wonderful place.

I'm glad you took me along.

Sir Malcolm: I.. I never thought
of it like that, Bert, old man.

I don't know what to say.
Sneer: Well, I do!

Con me, will you? Tell me
you're a great explorer,

when you're nothing but
a second rate writer?

This contract has
just been rendered

null and void!

I could have been
taken for millions!

That's it! No more Mr Nice-guy.

[laughing]

Bert: It's here!
Sir Malcolm's new book,

The Lost City of Lingodo!

Hey! Look at this!

Ralph: [reading]
Dedicated to Bert Raccoon,

the greatest hero
I have ever met!

Ralph/Melissa:
Congratulations, Bert!

Pig: Look at this, boss!

Sir Malcolm Havelock's book
has been on the

New York Swine's bestseller list

for two weeks now.

Pig 2: He's already sold
two million copies!!

Pig 3: Oh, isn't that great?

Sneer: 90% of
two million copies?

It could have been mine!
All mine!!

And I tore up his contract!

Aaaarrrr!

♪ [show theme music]

♪♪

♪ When darkness falls

♪

♪ Leaving shadows in the night

♪

♪ Don't be afraid

♪ Wipe that fear
from your eyes ♪

♪

♪ The desperate love

♪

♪ Keeps on driving you wrong

♪

♪ Don't be afraid

♪

♪ You're not alone

♪

♪ You can run with us

♪

♪ We've got everything
you need ♪

♪ Run with us

♪

♪ We are free

♪

♪ Come with us

♪

♪ I see passion in your eyes

♪ Run with us

♪♪