02x26 - Appointment in Sahara

[bunniefuu]

- Anything yet?
- No, sir.

- Hi, chief.
- Hello, max.

Well, we got here as fast
as we could. What's up?

Well, I'm sorry to disturb
you in the middle of the night

But we're facing
a terrible crisis...

The possible destruction
of the entire world.

Well, couldn't it have
waited until morning?

What happened, chief?

- Kaos has a nuclear b*mb.
- Doesn't everybody?

Max, kaos is the only private
organization to have the b*mb.

Don't you know what that means?

Their stock will go way up.

It means that they
can use the b*mb

Without fear of retaliation.

They are not a country
and we don't know

The location of
their m*ssile base.

Could kaos be bluffing, chief?

Well, they promised to prove it

In exactly 72 hours

- If we don't give them what they want.
- How?

By blowing up one of
america's largest cities.

Did they say what city?

All we know is that
they threatened

To wipe out the city containing

Our finest intellectual
minds and greatest leaders.

Well, at least
washington is safe.

What does kaos want, chief?

Kaos wants the total disarmament

Of every nuclear
nation in the world.

But chief, if we give them that,

They'll be the only
ones with the b*mb.

Why, they could rule the world.

And if we don't, they'll
blow it up city by city.

What are we going to do, chief?

Wait a minute. That
must be collins.

- Who's collins?
- Collins is our agent in algiers.

He's checking out a lead
that the kaos m*ssile base

May be somewhere
in the sahara desert.

What's the matter, larrabee?

I don't know. He
stopped sending.

That means kaos must
have caught up with him.

It's ironic. Today marked his


- Send that, larrabee.
- What's that?

"Happy anniversary."

This is it.

It's not much to go on.

But forsythe, the british agent
who was working with collins,

Located the arab informer. And
from what he was able to learn,

We're quite sure
that the m*ssile base

Is located somewhere
in that area.

Well, that's great, chief.
Now all we have to do

Is to send in some
low-level bombers...

No, that won't do it, max.
The base is underground.

Now, we'll have to send in
two agents to do the job,

And we've got less
than 72 hours left.

the pentagon has ordered
me to hand-pick two people...

Two people who can
work together as a team,

Who know how each
other will think and react...

two people who will form

a perfectly balanced
coordinating team.

- Chief, I know just the team.
- Who?

Huntley and brinkley.

Max, I need two control agents.

We could swear them in.

Please, max, I've
made up my mind.

- You and 99 are going.
- Right, chief.

Now I really hate to
hand you this assignment,

But I have no other choice. You're
the best working team I've got.

Well, we won't let
you down, chief.

Max, this will undoubtedly be

The most dangerous
mission you've ever gone on.

You probably
won't get back alive.

If you're trying to scare me,
chief, you're wasting your time.

I don't know the meaning
of the word "fear."

You'll have to
parachute from 6,000 feet.

I think I just learned it.

Max, have you ever
jumped from a plane?

- Yes, chief, once during the w*r.
- When?

Just before it took
off for overseas.

Max, will you and 99 go down to the
lab and check out your equipment?

Here's something you can
eat in case of an emergency.

- Our uniforms?
- No, the buttons.

Mmm. Salted. Good.

In extreme heat, salt
is essential to the diet.

But be sure you don't eat the
top button of your uniform, 86.

Why?

It's a geiger counter.
When you come close

To where the missiles are
buried, it will start beeping.

Oh, the old
beeping-button trick.

Well, that's it. You'd
better get started.

Your plane takes
off in 30 minutes.



He was supposed to
be here an hour ago.

Max, look. Is that him?

I hope so.

Forsythe?

Maxwell smart?

- Yes, and this is agent 99.
- Hello.

Sorry we're late.

We had some difficulty slipping
out of casablanca last night.

I see. Who's that?

Oh, this is hassein. He'll
guide us to the m*ssile base.

Oh, glad to have
you along, hassein.

- Doesn't he understand english?
- perfectly,

But kaos had his tongue cut out

Because he was an informer.

I see.

What did he say?

He's telling us
we'd better move on.

And I think he's
right. Come on, 99.

All right, all right. We're
coming hassein. No need to holler.

Forsythe, I think
we're being followed.



Forsythe, where
have you been hit?

He's trying to say
something, max.

- He's dead.
- What did he say?

He asked me to get
my knee off his chest.

Do you think they're
still following us, max?

Probably, 99. They're
not going to give up

Until they get
every last one of us.

If only they'd come out
and show themselves,

At least we'd have a
chance to fight back.

That's their strategy, max.

They undermine their enemy
and make them more vulnerable.

What we've got to do is keep
far enough ahead of them

- So that we are out of range.
- Right, max.

It isn't going to be easy,


We've got to keep going, max.

- Wait a minute, 99.
- What is it?

- I've got an idea.
- What?

Why don't we sleep during
the day and walk at night?

- Oh, max, there's no time.
- Oh, okay.

How about sleeping during
the day and running at night?

Max, there's no
time to sleep at all.

- We've got to keep going.
- Right, 99.

- Max!
- Where's your canteen?

Oh, it's in my pack with
the rest of my gear.

Well, don't you think you
ought to keep your water handy?

Not necessarily, 99.

You see, because of
my rugged training,

I have tremendous endurance.

Why I am practically impervious
to sun, heat and thirst.

I can go miles and miles and miles
without touching a drop of water.

- You can?
- I have to.

I forgot to fill my
canteen before we left.

Here, use mine.

Oh, no no no, 99. I
wouldn't touch that.

It's a well-known fact that men can
stand the heat a lot better than women.

Max, it's the other way around.

It is?

Be careful, max. Some of
that is getting in your mouth.

Thank you, 99.

You're welcome, max.

Max, what's happening?

Max, look, hassein is waving to
us. He's trying to tell us something.

Come on, 99.

It's getting worse, max!

We'll never live through it.


I can hardly swallow.

I know, max.

Listen, 99, I know
this is a long shot,

But I've got to ask you anyway.

What is it, max?

You don't happen to have a
can of cold beer on you, do you?

Max!

Max, where are you?

Right here, 99.

Oh, max.

You won't believe this, 99,

But I'm standing on my toes.

Max.

Max, I don't see
hassein anywhere.

He must have gone
off and left us.

Max, we're lost. We
don't know where we are.

I know, 99.

I'm going to take a look
over that sand dune.

What is it, max?

What is it, max?

It's hassein. They
buried him up to his neck

And put a canteen of
water just out of his reach.

Oh, those dirty, evil,

Rotten, barbaric...



We don't want to get them
any madder than they are now.

Max, have you lost your buttons?

I was hungry, 99.

But, max, why did
you eat them all?

Why didn't you save
some for later?

Did you ever try to eat
just one salted button?

Once you get
started, you can't stop.

Max, you didn't
eat the top button.

Oh, no, 99, i...

Oh, max, you ate
the geiger counter!

I thought one
tasted a little stale.

Now what are we going to do?

I don't know, 99, but I've got
to have another salted button.

I've just got to
have one more...

Just one more salted button.

No, max, don't.


Have that button.

Max, if you eat that
button, my clothes will...

I don't care, 99. I've got
to have that button.

I'm warning you, max. If
you come one step closer...



Thank you, 99. I needed that.

Now can I please
have that button?

Get hold of yourself!

We've got 24 hours to find
that m*ssile base and destroy it.

You're right, 99.

Come on. Let's get moving.

Good thinking, max.

Keep going, 99. We've
got to keep going.

Oh, go on without me, max.

I can't go any further.

Of course you can, 99.

You said that an hour ago
and look how far we've come.

- How far have we come?
- About 30 yards.

We're using up all our energy
getting up and falling down.

I think we'd do a
lot better if we

Just stayed down
here and crawled.

We're not going to make it, max.

They're going to
find us here dead.

Max, look!

Look! We're saved!

- Where? Where, 99?
- Out there, straight ahead.

i don't see anything.

Oh, max, can't you see
it? As clear as day...

An orange juice stand!

- An orange juice stand?
- Yes, I can see it. Right out there.

Where? Where, 99? I
don't see anything.

Oh, max. Straight ahead.

No, it's a mirage,


You're seeing things.

- Are you sure?
- I'm positive, 99.

One large orange, please.

Max, where are we?

Heaven?

I don't think so.

Then it must be an
arabian playboy club.

You are in the
humble tent of ahmad,

A simple bedouin trader.

I see. How long
have we been here?

A mere hour or so.

We found you lost
and dying in the desert.

Well, we're certainly indebted
to you for saving our lives.

Tell me how it came to be

That the two of you

Were wandering
alone in the desert.

Uh, yes, well, you see...

We're on our honeymoon.

In the middle of the sahara?

Yes...

Well, you see my wife happens
to be crazy about the beach.

you are welcome
in the camp of ahmad

For as long as you wish to stay.

We will do everything to
make your stay enjoyable.

well, thank you
very much, ahmad.

But I have some very important
business to take care of,

And I'm afraid it can't wait.

If you must move
on, may I suggest

You wait until dark and
travel in the cool of the night?

Well, thank you very much,
ahmad, but we must be moving on.

- Time is of the essence.
- ahmad.

If mr. Smart's
business is so urgent,

then perhaps it would
be rude of us to delay him.

Nonsense, jamal. Where
is your hospitality?

Our guests will dine
with us this evening,

And I shall have my daughter
fatima dance for them.

Well, we certainly wouldn't
want to offend your generosity.

We'd be most happy to dine
with you and leave tonight.

Splendid. I shall make the
arrangements for your departure.

Would you like a camel?

No thanks. I'm
trying to cut down.

Ahmad, why are we
being so nice to them?

They are control agents.

Why do we not cut their throats?

No. If we k*ll them, other control
agents will take their place.

But if we overextend ourselves
with kindness and hospitality,

They will leave here never
suspecting that we are kaos.

But is it not dangerous
that they be here?

They are liable to
find our missiles.

Hardly. The missiles
are well disguised,

And they could never find
the underground entrance

As no one is allowed to enter
the tent of my daughter's.

Besides, they're not suspicious.

What if they get suspicious?

Then they will die.

Now put your dagger
back in your scabbard.

Ahmad...

What is it?

I do not have a scabbard.

You do now.

We must see to it that
smart and that girl

Make their way
back to civilization

And report that there is no kaos
m*ssile base here in the sahara.

Then when they search
the rest of the world,

We will be free to
unleash our missiles

And destroy their
cities one by one.

Yes. First new york,

Then london, paris, rome...

- Tel aviv.
- No, not tel aviv.

Why not tel aviv?

Really? You don't look it.

What's the matter, my friend?

Not feeling well?

I'm afraid I've had a little
too much wine, ahmad.

I wonder if you would think
it was terribly rude of me

If I stepped outside
for a bit of fresh air.

May allah go with you.

Oh, thank you, but
I'd rather go alone.

Hi.

Now look, fella, I
don't want any trouble.

But I'm going to
search this tent.

Do the words, "get out"
mean anything to you?

Okay, there's a little
saying you may have heard of.

It goes like this... "The bigger
they come, the harder they fall."

Haven't heard of that one, eh?

Okay, here's one you may like...

"The quality of
mercy is not strained."

Good.

Move out with the caravan.
We'll join you in a few minutes.

The m*ssile is set to
go off in 30 minutes.

New york is the target.

Splendid.

Now the world will know
that kaos keeps their threats.

As for you and the
young lady, mr. Smart,

I leave you to the mercy of
the unmerciful desert sun.

You'll never get
away with this, ahmad.

Goodbye, mr. Smart.

I guess this is it, max.

It's no use, 99. I can't
get these ropes untied.

Max, look. Someone's coming.

Fatima, what are you doing here?

I sneaked away and
came back to save you.

But why would you want to
save us? You're ahmad's daughter.

He lied. I am not his
daughter. I was his sl*ve.

I have been waiting for the
right opportunity to escape.

Then it was you who inscribed the
message in the bottom of the goblet.

- Yes.
- Here, cut 99's ropes.

I'm going to the control panel.

Max! Max!

Well...

That does it, 99.

That's marvelous, max.
How did you do it so fast?

Well, I didn't have time
to dismantle the m*ssile

So I reset the
directional control.

It's set to go off
in a few minutes.

- For where?
- Straight up then straight down.

It will wipe out everything...
The control room and the m*ssile.

And us!

Oh, max, what do we do now?

Run 99, run.

Well, there it goes, 99.

Oh, max. What a terrible
w*apon of destruction.

Yes. You know, china,
russia and france

Should outlaw all
nuclear weapons.

We should insist upon it.

What if they won't, max?

Then we may have to blast them.

It's the only way to
keep peace in the world.