02x19 - The Man from YENTA

[bunniefuu]

This is the prince's suite, max.

Boy, he must be driving
the house detective crazy.

Max, they're his wives.

Sure, chief.

Prince abu ben
bubi, this is agent 86.

Be seated.

I'm assigning him to security
duty here at the suite.


Protect the lives

Of the prince and his wives.

- 86!
- Huh? Oh, yes, chief, right.

Uh, tell me, your highness,

How many wives do you have?



Going on 34.

Just met a nice girl recently.

- We're going steady.
- How do you support them?

Max, prince bubi is
a very wealthy man.

His country produces more
oil than any nation in the world.

Well, it had better. After
all, he's got a 33-car family.

Max, there are certain factions
in the prince's government

That would like to break his oil
contract with the united states

And turn it over to iron
curtain countries instead.

That will never happen.
Not while I'm alive!

Well, if you will
excuse me, gentlemen,

I must prepare for lunch.

Max, I hope you realize how
important it is to keep the prince alive.

I certainly do, chief, and
the first thing we have to do

- Is to get him away from his wives.
- Why?

Well, with all that fanning
he could catch pneumonia!

Max, there are
only 18 hours left

Before the prince returns home.

I'm placing this
suite on blue alert...

extreme emergency conditions!

I don't think you have
to worry, chief. After all,

There were two attempts
on the prince's life

And both of them failed.

Max, kaos must succeed
in k*lling the prince

While he's visiting our country.

Then they'll be able to
turn his people against us

So they'll sanction the
breaking of the oil contract.

Now if the united states
ever loses that oil...

Don't worry, chief.
If that happens,

- We can always depend on herbie.
- Who's herbie?

Herbie is a friend of mine
who owns a gas station.

He's got a lot of oil.

See if agent 13 is at his
post. I'll call headquarters.

Right, chief.





No, I'm out on my
pony playing polo.

Of course I'm here.

Look, I know you've
got a lonely job, 13,

But there's no need to
be so sarcastic about it.

Well, it does have
its compensations...

The other side of this chimney
opens at the harem girls' suite.

Listen, 13, if you're
feeling a little cooped up

And you would
like to be released...

- Chief: cover me, max.
- right, chief. I'll see you later.

It's all right, max.
It's room service.

Just put it on the table
over there, please.

That's the prince's lunch,
max. I think you'd better taste it.

No, thanks, chief.
I've already had lunch.

All food should be checked
out before the prince eats them.

There's always a possibility
of poisoning. Now taste it.

Hmm, smells
delicious. What is it?

Camel's ears
boiled in goat's milk.

- Now taste the coffee.
- Hmm?

Taste the coffee.

No, thanks, chief. I don't
drink coffee. It keeps me awake.

Taste it, max! That's an order.

Wait a minute, chief. What
if this coffee is poisoned?

Then it won't keep you awake.

Well?

- What's the matter?
- Needs a little sugar.

Max, I have to go to my post. Now
remember, I'll be sitting in my car,

Parked downstairs,
right outside that window.

- If anything happens, signal me.
- Right, chief.

Here. Your tip is on there.

Prince, your lunch is ready.

Right this way, your highness.

Well, you'll see what
we have for you today.

There you are, bubi.

Ahhh... What is it?

ears of a camel
boiled in goat's milk.

Terrific.

Certainly is a noisy candle.

Yes, sounds more
like a fuse than...

- What is it?
- Dynamite. Hold it.

Sorry about that, chief.

Well, that's a good thing
that you weren't in the car

When the dynamite hit, chief.

I would have been if I hadn't
stopped on my way out to get

A pack of cigarettes. So
cigarettes saved my life.

And they say
smoking is bad for you.

Max, we've learned that
one of the prince's wives

- Is a kaos agent.
- Which one?

We don't know. It could
be the tall exotic one,

It could be the short
voluptuous one, it could be...

I'll check them all
out immediately, chief.

Max, he has 33 wives.

So it will take a little time.

Yes?

- Man: she's here, chief.
- send her in.

That looks wonderful.
Turn around.

- Excellent. What do you think, max?
- Well, it's very nice

- But will your wife wear it?
- Oh, max,

It's not for his
wife, it's for me.


Ashamed of yourself

Walking around
in public like that.

Max, it's a disguise.
That's 99's job.

I'm assigning her to pose
as one of the harem girls

to find which one
is a kaos agent.

You can go, 99, but remember...

As soon as you're sure which
one of the wives is a kaos agent,

Do nothing but
watch her closely.

She's probably only
an inside contact.

Right, chief. Then when
she contacts the assassin,

- We'll be ready for him when he strikes.
- Exactly.

I better be going,
chief. Anything else?

- No.
- Max: yes!

One more thing, 99... As soon
as you get in that harem suite,

I want you to take the
blanket off the bed immediately!

- What do I do with it, max?
- Hang it over the fireplace.

- Max! Go on, 99, and good luck.
- Thanks, chief.

Now, max, the pentagon
has just informed us

That we are to have
international help on this case.

- Oh, really? From what country?
- Israel.

Israel?! Israel is going to
save the life of an arab prince?

Israel has excellent relations
with prince abu ben bubi's nation.

It's vital to the israeli government
that no harm comes to the prince.

What kind of help are
they gonna give us?

Well, they have
an espionage unit

Comparable to our own
control organization.

- It's one of the finest in the world.
- What's it called?

"Your espionage network
and training academy."

It's referred to by
its initials, y-e-n-t-a.

- Yenta.
- Yenta?

they know everything
that's going on everywhere.

They're a small organization, but
they've assigned their top man to the case.

- Who is he?
- Hmm?

- The man from yenta?
- Agent 498.

That's the international
hotline, chief.

That may be yenta calling.

Control speaking.
Yes, go ahead, yenta.

Mm-hmm. I was afraid of that.

Right, I'll have agent 86
meet him at the airport.

That's quite all right.
I understand. Goodbye.

What's the matter,
chief? Bad news?

- Le moco.
- Le moco?

He's kaos's top assassin. He's been
given the assignment of k*lling the prince.

I'll be ready for him, chief.

Max, le moco is no
ordinary assassin.

He's fiendishly unpredictable

And a master of disguise
and voice impersonation.

in 27 assignments he
has never failed yet.

That's quite a record.

His parents must
be very proud of him.

He doesn't have
any parents, max.

They were his first assignment.

le moco was seen at
the airport in algiers

where he booked passage
on a plane to washington.

Was 498 on the
same plane with him?

No, le moco would've
recognized him.


Now from tel aviv.

He'll arrive in washington 10
minutes before le moco does.

You'll meet 498 at the airport

And he'll point out le
moco when his plane lands.

- You'll take le moco into custody.
- Right, chief.

now, you'll use the fountain
pen signal to identify yourself.

Pretend your pen isn't working,
and 498 will identify himself

- By offering you his pen.
- got you, chief.

Uh, chief, what time
does 498's plane arrive?

In exactly 15 minutes.



Why did yenta wait
so long to call?

They work on a
limited budget, max.

They have to wait until after 6:00
for the long distance rates to change.

Lucky they didn't
drop us a postcard.

Here, try mine.

That's a beautiful
pen you have there.

- 498?
- No, $1.19.

I buy them by the gross and
give them away for bar mitzvahs.

- Agent 498?
- Who else?

- Maxwell smart?
- Yes.

- When is le moco due?
- Wait a minute,

Aren't you gonna ask
"how was your flight?"

All right, how was your flight?

Don't ask.

Man over p.a.: attention,
please. Algerian airlines

flight five from algiers
now arriving gate one.

- That's le moco's flight.
- Wait a minute.

Here's what we do...
We go over to customs

And check out every
passenger that comes through.

You'll point out
le moco, I'll get him,

You cover me.

What are you gonna
do? I'll use my "shh."

- What's a "shh"?
- It's what you call a sil*ncer.

- Well, that's the last of them.
- It checks out...

There were 65 people
aboard, he's the 65th one

- Through customs.
- Wonderful.

So where is le moco?

He must have slipped through
without our noticing him.

Am I gonna get it for this!

Le moco loose in the city...
The prince is a sitting duck!

Come on, my car
is right outside,

We'd better get back to
headquarters immediately.

I'll be right with you.
I have to call tel aviv.

- Tel aviv? Now?
- I promised my mother I'd call her

The minute I
arrived. She worries.

This is le moco.

I have arrived undetected.

Max, you oughta be
ashamed of yourself!

Why, 99? I'm just doing my job.

You don't have to do it so well.

Can I help it if I love my work?

- besides, it's part of my plan.
- what plan?

Well, I don't have it
all worked out yet.

But I'm trying to find out which
one of the wives is the kaos agent.

How are you going to
accomplish that by kissing them?

Well, that's the part I
haven't worked out yet.

Listen, I already have an idea
of which one is the kaos agent.

I'm just waiting for
her to make her move.

Well, you better get back
inside and keep your eye on her.

As your highness wishes.

Would your highness
like his water pipe filled?

Forget it, I've already
smoked three gallons today.

Max, you've got to be careful.

Le moco is going to be here any
minute and he's going to mistake you

- For the prince.
- That's exactly our plan, 99.

While agent 498 is back at my
apartment guarding abu ben bubi,

I'll be here waiting for le
moco and catch him red-handed

Trying to
assassinate the prince.

Max, you're so brave. You're
going to get a medal for this.

There's something more
important than medals, 99.

- What?
- It's after 6:00.

I get overtime.



Say, 13, that's a
great disguise.

What disguise? I'm on fire.

Listen, 13, will you please stop
with your petty complaints?

This is an important case!

- Now have you got anything to report?
- Yeah, yeah.

Just when I pinpointed which
harem girl was the kaos agent,

She lit a fire in the fireplace,
and 99 hung a blanket over it.

- What did she look like?
- Well, she was about the same height

As 99, same hair,
same figure as 99,

- There was one slight difference.
- What was that?

She had a match in her hand.

Thanks a lot, 13.

- Who is it?
- Male voice: it's the maid.

Hello, operator?
This is maxwell smart,

Secret agent 86. Get me control
headquarters immediately.

- Chief: hello?
- hello, chief? This is max.

- What is it, max?
- Listen, chief,

I'm gonna need some help. Three
assassins just tried to k*ll me.

- what happened?
- well, I've got all three of them, chief.

Oh, good. If there's
any more trouble,

I've assigned agents


Good. Where are they?

24 is in the hall closet,


and 26 is disguised as a maid.

do you think you know
how to contact them?

Well, I'm not sure, chief, but
I think a medium might help.

Max, you didn't?

You couldn't, you wouldn't!

Don't get excited, chief.

I think the maid has a 50-50
chance to pull through.

Hold it, chief.

- Did you send anybody else?
- I hope not.

Boy, am I glad I wore this
instead of my sweater.





Le moco just left here
thinking he k*lled the prince,

But the prince is still safely
stashed away in my apartment.

Has that girl made a move yet?

Good. Now we've still
got to capture le moco.

He should be contacting
her any minute.

You better get back inside
and keep an eye on her.

Psst, max.

- What is it now, 99?
- What did she say?

- What did who say?
- The girl you were just talking to?

She didn't say anything.
I did all the talking.

Oh! Oh, 99, don't tell
me that wasn't you.

Me, max? I've been
watching that girl,

Then I saw her come
out and talk to you.

- What's wrong?
- What's wrong, what's wrong?

Nothing is wrong, except
that I told her the whole plan...

The whole plan to the wrong
girl! I thought it was you!

Oh, max, what are
we gonna do now?

She's probably contacting
le moco right this minute.

That means that
le moco will know

That the prince is still
alive and in my apartment.

I gotta get over
there right away.

- You get back inside and hold her.
- Right, max.

I actually don't think

I could tell us apart myself.

Should le moco learn
of our plan and come here,

He'd never expect
to find two princes.

I am most fortunate

To have a man as capable
as you to guard me.

Le moco is a vicious k*ller!

He might try to sh**t me,

To s*ab me, to poison me.

But the important thing is
you should live and be well.

I'll see who it is.

- Who's there?
- it's me, maxwell smart.

- What are you doing here, maxie?
- Le moco is wise to us.

I'm to take the prince
away from here immediately.

Let's go... Prince?

But first we must call
your control headquarters

And let you know that you
got here before le moco did.

Don't touch that phone.

So you are not maxwell smart.

Tsk, there's only one man
who could master a voice

So perfectly... Le moco.

At your service.

Well, le moco,
the joke's on you.

You don't know which of us
is the prince and which isn't.

That's true.

So I will have to k*ll you both.

Well, we never figured
on that one, did we, prince?

adieu, gentlemen.

Prince! Your highness!

Hello, bubi.

Wait a minute, there's
something definitely wrong here.

One of those two men is le
moco! Quick, give me the g*n!

Don't do it, he's le moco.

- Who are you?
- I'm prince abu ben bubi.

How do I know
you're not le moco?

You can believe him, smart.

- And who are you?
- I'm agent 498.

Oh, no, you're not. I just
left agent 498 a few hours ago

And he hadn't even
started to grow a beard.

Well, we know
you're maxwell smart.

Don't confuse me.

How do you know that
I'm not maxwell smart?

Hey, that's very good.

What other
impressions do you do?

Hold it right there!

Get up. Drop the g*n.

Wait a minute, what is
this? Max, which one is you?

- Right here, chief.
- Right here, chief.

- Right here, chief.
- No, he's le moco. I'm max.

Don't fall for
that, chief. I'm max.

- I'm the prince.
- I'm hungry.

Quiet, all of you. One of
you is le moco, which one is it?

- Not me.
- Not me.

- Not me.
- Not me.

All right, which
one is the prince?

- I am the prince.
- I am the prince.

- No, he's the prince.
- No, he's the prince.

Hold it!

Now, what was
your question again?

Max, come here.

- Now which one is the prince?
- Eh...

I'm not sure, chief, but
there's one way to find out.

- How?
- Number one, what's your name?

My name is prince abu ben bubi.

Max: number two,
what's your name?

My name is prince abu ben bubi.

- number three...
- hmm, hmm...

- How many wives do you have?
- Max, stop it!

There's only one way to find
out who is really the prince.

Right, chief. Will the
real prince abu ben bubi

- Step forward?
- No, max,

The real prince is the
one with the real beard!

I'll start with number one.

Max! Max, where are you?

Right here, chief. That's le moco
on the ground. Tear off his beard.

That's le moco, all right.

Good sh**ting, max. You got him.

- Get him a glass of water.
- He's dead,

- It wouldn't help.
- It wouldn't hurt.

- Max, are you all right?
- That's not max, 99.

Oh! Oh, max.

- 99, That's not max, either.
- Oh!

Max!



- Oh, max, are you all right?
- Yes, I'm fine, 99.

Max, you amaze me.
Le moco's makeup

And voice impersonations
were perfect.

You had to get off that
shot in a split second.

How did you know it was le
moco and not really the prince?

Well, it was really
quite simple, chief.

You see, number one looked
too much like the prince

To really be the prince.

Number three didn't know
how many wives he had.

So I picked number two.

Well, with all that rolling
and scuffling around,

How did you know that
number two was number two?

- Huh?
- How did you know it was number two?

Oh, well, that was
just a lucky guess.

Goodbye, 498. I've
enjoyed working with you.

Oh, likewise, I'm sure, 99.

And you, smart... I
feel towards you

Like I feel towards
my own brother-in-law.

Brother.

No, brother-in-law. I
don't talk to my brother.

- Goodbye, 498.
- Goodbye, chief.

And if any of you ever
get to my country,

Be sure and give me a call. I'll
be happy to show you around.

You can reach me at that number.

Oscar's delicatessen.

Say, that's a great idea, using
a delicatessen for a front.

What front? That's
the business we're in.

We only do spy work
during our slack season.

Ooh, well, I'll miss
my flight, gotta run.

Goodbye and good luck.

Well, that's one
more case closed.

Sometimes I wonder
what it's all for...

All the destruction,
k*lling, murdering.

Well, as 498 would say,

It's a living.