02x18 - Cutback at CONTROL

[bunniefuu]

Perkins, I think it was a big mistake
for accounting to send you down here.

I'm only checking out
our agents in accordance

With control's new
directive on economy.

Well, stay out of my way. In
just a few minutes eric kruger...

One of kaos's top agents... Will be
coming out of that theater door.

Why don't you go in after him?

I've seen the picture.

Good. By waiting for
him outside the theater

You saved control $1.80.

Stand back. Here he comes now.

All right, kruger, hold it.

I'll have to report you, smart.

Report me? What are you
talking about, perkins?

- That's kruger, isn't it?
- That may be kruger

But you used three b*ll*ts
when you could've used one.

Now, wait a minute, perkins. I know
there's a cutback at appropriations,

But this is ridiculous.

The directive states:

"All agents will economize
on b*ll*ts, exploding capsules

And su1c1de pills."

su1c1de pills? Are you kidding?

I've saved control a
fortune on su1c1de pills.

Why, in all the years I've
been with them, I've only taken

Six or seven. And that was
only to please the chief.

- Smart, that makes four.
- But, perkins...

I don't know how we're going
to explain four b*ll*ts in kruger.

Maybe we could say that three
of them were self-inflicted.

You've been hit.

I'd better get you an ambulance.

Oh no, i... I'll take
a crosstown bus.

A crosstown bus?
But you need a doctor.

Oh no. Control's budget
could never stand it.

I'll just wash out the wound
myself and put on a little iodine.

Well, I'd better call the chief
and tell him we've got our man.

- Operator: what number are you calling?
- 555-9417.

i'm sorry, that number
has been disconnected.

- Disconnected?
- for failure to pay their bill.

Come on, we'd better get down to
headquarters and find out about this.

My car is parked right
outside in the street.

- Is that little red car out there yours?
- Yes, it is.

I'm from a finance company.
We're repossessing it.

- Repossessing it?
- Control missed two payments.

Sorry, but I have
to take it back.

That makes five.

- Who's that?
- Kruger.

Can I have the car keys, please?

Oh, one thing:

Be careful of the machine
g*n in the exhaust pipe.

It's been backfiring lately.

Machine g*n in the
exhaust pipe, right.

oh, another thing:

Don't remove the radiator
cap. It sprays a poisonous gas.

Poisonous gas
from radiator, right.

oh, one last thing:

Don't use the cigarette
lighter. It's a hand grenade.

Lighter is a hand
grenade. Right.

You've got a
dangerous car there.

I don't know why you say
that. It's got seat belts.

Well, perkins, looks like we're
gonna have to take the bus.

Say, have you got 25¢?

Forgot to tell him
about the gas pedal.

We had to let the lab men go.

Chief, do you know they've
disconnected my shoe phone?

Yes, I know, max. And I'm afraid
I'll have to take your g*n.

Holster?

Well, at least I still
have my tear-gas pen.

Chief, I don't have anything.

Can't you at least give
me a set of brass knuckles?

Brass is too expensive, max. I can
let you have a new aluminum job.

Aluminum knuckles?

Not knuckles, max,
knuckle. One will have to do.

Oh, and I'll take that su1c1de
pill. It's very expensive.

Well, chief, what are they gonna
use in place of the su1c1de pill?

If it's really necessary, I'd
suggest a rope and a chair.

But that's ridiculous, chief.
You know that kaos always

- Searches its captives for rope and twine.
- Oh, that's right.

Of course if worse comes to worst, I can
always beat myself to death with a chair.

This cutback is ridiculous.

Max, we're due in 15
minutes to plead our case

Before a closed session
of the senate subcommittee.

Chief, you really think
we can convince them

To give control back
its appropriation?

I hope so, max. But until then,
we'll all have to tighten our belts.

Listen, chief, this may be the wrong
time, but I've been meaning to ask you

- About that raise you promised me.
- Raise?

What raise? This is no
time to talk about a raise.

Max, be careful.
This fellow dietrich...

The committee counsel...
He's a tough egg.

Don't worry, chief. I
know what I'm doing.

Gentlemen, our first witness is

An agent of control,
maxwell smart. Mr. Smart.

Come on, max.

- Mr. Smart!
- What is it?

Will you please take your seat?

Just checking for
hidden microphones.

I can assure you there are none.

Now if you'll just speak
into that microphone...

Of course.

Gentlemen, I hope
you'll forgive me

If I seem a little overcautious,

But I'm sure you'll
understand. You never know

When a senate investigating
committee might be

Investigated by a senate
investigating committee.

Is this thing on?

But seriously, folks,

I feel it only fair to say

A word in the
defense of control.

Gentlemen, control
needs money to operate.

If we aren't operating,

This country is in
a lot of trouble.

Mr. Smart, if you're quite finished,
would you mind taking your seat?

Certainly.

Gentlemen, I submit that
control is a secret police force,

Answerable only to itself.

I submit that it is
extravagant in its budget,

Ineffectual in its conduct,

and worthless to
the national interest.

- He's onto us, chief.
- Dietrich: mr. Smart,

How many arrests did
control make last year?

I don't know.

Who's the number one
man in your organization?

I don't know.

How many cases were
assigned to control last year?

I don't know.

What would you do if
you were fired, mr. Smart?

They can't fire me.

and why not?

I know too much.

This is siegfried.
Get me a messenger.

I will have him take a
message to maxwell smart,

At control's top-secret
headquarters,



They may not be in
business too much longer.

Well, chief, I'm afraid I didn't
do too good at that hearing.

Don't blame yourself,
max. That dietrich is deadly.

Oh, here. This letter is
for you. It looks important.

Chief, do you know
who this letter is from?

Who?

It's from siegfried,
one of kaos's top agents.

He wants me to meet
him at roger's park...

To discuss possible employment.

They must know that
control is in financial trouble

And is laying off agents.

Don't worry, chief.
I'd never join kaos.

Wait a minute, max. If
you could infiltrate kaos

And uncover the kaos man
who is high in our government,

That will prove to the committee
how valuable our work is.

Yes, I suppose it would.

let me see that letter a minute.

Siegfried says he'll be
disguised as an old woman.

I want you to meet him
disguised as an old man.

Why, chief?

To show kaos that we're
just as clever as they are.

Well, okay, if
you say so, chief.

It's just that I hate to have people
think that I'm leaving control.

It looks like I'm
deserting a sinking ship.

We're not sinking, max.
Control is still in business.

We're very much a going concern.

I'll call senator palmer and
arrange another meeting. Larrabee?

Yes, sir.

I want an appointment with
senator palmer. Call him.

On what? They took
my phone away too.

Don't just stand there. Call him
from the candy store on the corner.

Yes, sir.

Chief... You got a dime on you?

Max.

Siegfried, is that
smart over there?

ja, it must be.

I'll contact him. You return
to headquarters, hans.

- ja.
- ja, what?

- ja, sir.
- That's better.

Good luck with the defector.
I'll see you back at kaos.

All right, siegfried,
what's the deal?

Smart, kaos is a
growing organization.

und you'll be working
with a great bunch of boys.

I don't know, siegfried.

I've heard they're not all as
rotten as they pretend to be.

Not as rotten? Are you kidding?

They're all former quiz
masters, disc jockeys,

Used car salesmen, tv
repairmen und politicians.

Now look, siegfried,
all I want you to do

Is to give me one good
reason why I should join kaos.

Smart, in this world

There are the poor good guys

And the rich bad guys.

Which would you like to be?

Glad to have you aboard. You
begin training school tomorrow.

Training school? I don't
need any training school.

Ja, smart, you must learn.

We do things
differently at kaos.

Either you graduate
or you are shot.

You must have some
interesting graduations.

You don't know whether to come

With a cap and
gown or a blindfold.

Now that our
business is settled,

What do you say we have
a schnapps together?

Are you kidding,
siegfried? I'm not taking you

Into a public bar
dressed like that.

What's the matter with
the way I'm dressed?

This is one of my
best disguises.

Well, if you must know, you look
absolutely silly and ridiculous.

I could go home and
change into a miniskirt.

Never mind, siegfried,
I'll take you for one drink.

One drink and that's all.

What do you mean by that?

One drink. No
dinner. No dancing.

Siegfried, are you absolutely
sure this blindfold is necessary?

I'm afraid so,
smart. No one but me

Knows the location
of kaos headquarters.

- No one?
- No one. Drive, boris.

You will start your training
program in this class, smart.

Excuse me.

Hello?

ja, smart is here now.

I believe him to be a
legitimate defector.

Of course, sir. If he proves
to be a double agent...

Yes, sir.

I used to have one of those.

This is our class in
advanced t*rture.

It is here we teach our
men how to withstand pain.

We've done exhaustive
research on the study of pain.

Do it again.

Quiet, stupid! We're
not here for laughs.

Lutz.

It also has
practical advantages.

Hans is 6'4" tall.

When he first joined
kaos, he was only 5'9".

Hans...

I would like you to
meet maxwell smart,

Formerly the top
agent at control.

Americans make
such inferior spies.

- No strength.
- Ah, you are unfair, hans.

Smart was a giant
in his former service.

Tell us, smart, what
does control teach you

To do if a man comes
at you with a knife

And tries to s*ab you?

That depends on whether

He's a friend or an enemy.

Let us show you the kaos way.

That is how kaos teaches
its men to handle an attacker.

If you don't mind, siegfried,
I'd like to try that again.

One more time.

Okay, that's enough.

I think I've proved my point.

- What's that?
- That dummy fell

For the same trick three times.

I fear that hans is a
little too much for you.

Why don't you try
hitting him in the stomach?

Good idea.

Hans? For you.

jawohl.

What are you doing here?

You should be studying
for tomorrow's exam.

Oh yes, of course.

Well, you see, siegfried. I
thought it would be a lot easier

To study for tomorrow's
exam if I had a copy of it tonight.

Excellent. All the
world loves a cheat.

Forget the exam.
You just passed it.

Oh, well, that's great. It
certainly calls for a drink.

- Do you have any beer?
- Do i?!

Some fine lager from bavaria.

You know, ziggie,
you and I have had

- Some great times together.
- ja.

Do you remember the
time you tried to smuggle

That japanese
scientist out of america?

- But we didn't let you.
- oh, yes.

What ever happened to him?

I still have him. I didn't
have the heart to k*ll him.

und besides, he does such a
wonderful job on my garden.

You know, smart, I
have always liked you,

Even when I was
trying to k*ll you.

Do you remember the time
you swallowed the formula

For the new
m*ssile-carrying submarine?

Oh yes, and you gave
orders to that kaos doctor

- To cut my stomach out.
- und you kept asking me

If kaos was covered
by blue cross.

Yes, and the chief
rescued me just in time,

Just before that
doctor made his incision.

The joke was on you, smart.
That man wasn't a doctor.

Really? But he held the
knife right over my stomach.

He was guessing.

you know, smart,

As a kaos super spy,

I act way...

Sure of myself, so tough,

But deep down I am
filled with doubts.

All the spying und k*lling

In the w*r between us...

- Mm-hmm.
- You wonder if it's all necessary?

No. I wonder...

Why we are not winning.

- Man: siegfried?
- Ja.

maxwell smart is not a true
defector. You know what to do.

Liquidate him.

i think for mr. Smart
the jig is up.

Oh, hello, hans. Would
you like a little beer?

It's from bavaria.

What were you doing on
herr siegfried's phone?

und what have you
done to herr siegfried?

It was a wrong number
and mr. Siegfried is asleep.

- Too much party.
- I must awaken him.

Using this phone is forbidden.

this act must be reported.

Good thinking, hans.

I'm not your usual
kaos k*ller, you know?

I think about things.

I'll bet you do. Say, hans...

I wonder if you'd
mind if I tried

Punching you in
the stomach again.

If you like.

But this time you won't
catch me by surprise.

Okay. Stomach ready?

All right. Go ahead.

Gentlemen, you will
be distressed to learn

That the subcommittee
will recommend that

The appropriation
for control be denied.

your agency's had
quite a run for its money,

But now the jig is up.

What did you say, dietrich?

I said the jig is up.
It's a figure of speech.

Indeed it is, mr. Dietrich.

And that figure of speech
was all I needed to expose you

as a foreign spy in
the employ of kaos.

- Max, what are you saying?
- How about it, dietrich?

Oh, it's ridiculous.

Smart is taking a last, desperate
gamble to make the committee think

That control serves
a useful purpose.

Why, he wasn't even able to learn
anything posing as a defector to kaos.

Dietrich, how did you know
that I was a defector to kaos?

Only the chief and I
and kaos knew that.

Anyone of you comes
near me, the senator dies.

Max: it won't work, dietrich.

Senator harper is
not up for reelection.

Cool it, max. We can't
risk the senator's life.

You haven't got
a chance, dietrich.

- Oh no?
- You wouldn't dare jump. It's 14 stories.

Not me. All of you.

Oh, that's different. In that
case you've got a chance.

One shot from that p*stol

And the cops will come
rolling in here like oranges.

Your point, smart.
But the game is mine.

- that door is locked, dietrich.
- wrong, smart.

ah-hhh.

Wasn't the elevator working?

Yes, but it was on
the ground floor.

Gentlemen, it may interest
you to know that mr. Dietrich

With one jump has just broken
the indoor free-fall record.

Max, what was your first clue
that dietrich was a kaos agent?

It was an expression
he used, chief.

- But why'd he pull a g*n?
- Perhaps he knew the jig was up.

Exactly what I was thinking. You
see, chief, when I got that phone...

I think I may have just
made a terrible mistake.

Ah, smart. Nice to see you.

Siegfried, what in the
world are you doing here?

- Have an ice cream?
- Oh, thank you.

so, smart,

This round goes to you.

I should've known you'd
never defect to kaos.

I certainly hope
I didn't make you

Look too bad in the
eyes of your superiors.

Well, it was a
little embarrassing,

Since I did recommend you

And since you did expose
our top man in government,

But kaos is made up
of reasonable men.

They believe in
forgive and forget.

Good. Say, this certainly is

A wonderful cover
you've got here.

What cover? This is
how I make my living.

raspberry ripple!