02x07 - The Decoy

[bunniefuu]

Sit down please,
gentlemen. I want to brief you

On this situation
as soon as possible.

- Where's agent 86?
- He hasn't checked in yet.

We'll have to
proceed without him.

We don't have much time, and
I've already been fully briefed.

Can I check out some weapons?

Oh, of course. Use the
special weapons closet.

- Chief, who was that man?
- This mission is so important

That even his
number is top secret.

- is he new in control?
- no, he's from our european section.

Now, gentlemen,
please listen carefully.

kaos has cracked
our universal code.

All secret communications
will have to stop until a new code

Can be delivered to our
communications center in greenland.

agent x has been selected
to deliver that code.

Why him? Why not one of us?

Because kaos probably
knows all of you.

in fact we're counting
on that to help us.

How?

By seeing to it that they
capture the wrong man.

Our real courier, agent x... A man
whose face they're unfamiliar with...

will leave for greenland with
the new code tomorrow morning.

At the same time we'll be sending
out another man as a decoy.

Exactly. The decoy
will be captured by kaos

And probably tortured,

But that will give agent x the time
he needs to complete his mission.

I'm sorry I'm late, chief,
but I was stuck in the car

- For almost 20 minutes.
- I know, 86, the traffic.

No, the seat belt. I can never
get that darn thing unbuckled.

Max, sit down. I'll fill
you in as we go along.

Right, chief.

Gentlemen, we are now under
special class "a" top security.

We've got to do everything
we can to protect agent x.

kaos will do everything they can

to eliminate him.

- Max, you know who that is?
- He's probably a kaos assassin

- Out to get our agent x.
- Max, that's agent x!

He must be from our
european section.

I can't understand
a word he's saying.

Sorry about that.

That's it, gentlemen.

If everything goes according to
schedule, agent x will reach greenland

With the new code
at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow.

Good man agent x.

Sucker for a right cross
to the stomach, but good man.

Please, max.

You four men are the
only available agents.

- One of you will have to act as a decoy.
- Wait a minute, chief.

What if kaos finds out it's a
decoy? What'll they do to him?

- They'll probably k*ll him.
- Huh... Talk about sore losers.

That's what makes this
assignment so difficult for me.

I'm going to have to send one
of you men on what may very well

be a su1c1de mission.

- Agent 58, are you married?
- Yes, sir.

- Children?
- Four, sir.

- Agent 58?
- I have three children, sir.

- Agent 71?
- 17, Sir.

- What?
- I'm agent 17, sir.

Oh... Yes, of course.

I have two children.

I can't bring myself
to pick a family man.

I'm asking for a volunteer, a
man with no responsibilities,

No wife, no children.

I hope there's someone
standing behind me.

You know, chief,
you've got a lot to learn

About asking for volunteers.

We did a study in-depth
on the subject of t*rture.

We found if you're familiarized
with what you will have to undergo,

- You'll be able to withstand it longer.
- That makes sense.

Say, what is this
thing over here?

This is a rather primitive
instrument, but it's very effective.

Put your wrist in here.

Ooh, I see what you mean.

- That's very painful.
- That's not it, smart.

Just watch this.

"Don't wear wristwatch."

Now do you see this chair?

After the first few
hours of t*rture,

They'll ask you to sit down
and relax in it for a while.

- But that's only a trick, right?
- Exactly.

Watch this.

"Don't wear...

New suit."

- Now if you step this way...
- That'll be enough, carlson.

I get the idea. Are you sure
that kaos has all these devices?

Oh, yes, it's standard equipment
for t*rror1st organizations.

Well, where did you get these?

From the bureau
of internal revenue.

Before we go into my office,

I want you to know it was
bugged by kaos a little while ago.

Right, chief... Bugged by kaos?

Bugged by kaos, but
how could that happen, chief?

We let it happen. We
want them to listen in.

That's the way we're gonna
trick them into believing that you

Are the new courier who's
gonna deliver the new code.

Oh, I get you. I get you.

While they're listening in, I
very cleverly identify myself

As the courier
with the new code.

Exactly. Now remember, max,

Try to make it sound
conversational and natural.

Don't worry about me, chief. I
happen to be a pretty fair actor.

Sit down, 86.

Thank you, chief of control.

- This sure is a swell place you have here.
- Thank you.

What did you want
to see me about?

The mission, max. Are you sure you
have everything completely clear?

Yes, I have.

I will leave my house
at 7:30 in the morning

And proceed to the newsstand.

Then I will...

Yes, max, yes. Do you
have your airline ticket?

Yes, I have.

And the new code?

Yes, I will be having
that in the secret pocket

Of my gray serge suit.

You'd better memorize it, max.

We can't afford to let it get

Into the hands of
those kaos fiends.

Oh, I wouldn't say that, chief.

Some of those kaos fiends
are probably nice, friendly,

Hardworking fellows like us.

Max, I will walk
you to your car.

I mean, just because
they're rivals

Is no need to call them fiends.

"Friendly, hardworking
fellows like us"?

If it's all the
same to you, chief.

I'd rather they weren't angry
while they were torturing me.

Is there anything at all I
can do for you tonight, max?

No, nothing at all, chief.
Don't worry about me.

There's no t*rture invented
that can make me crack.

- I'm impervious to pain.
- Good luck, max.

- Aah!
- What's the matter?

Squeezed my pinky.

"Cancel milk delivery,
give hugo the sweater,

Resign from christmas club,

Make out last will
and testament."

- Who is it?
- it's me, max.

Oh, come on in, 99.

- How have you been?
- Oh, max, I just had to see you before...

Come on now, 99. Cut
that out. Now stop it.

I'm sorry, max.

It's just that we've had
so little time together.

It couldn't be helped, 99.

After all, there are no holidays

In the fight against evil.

You're so brave, so dedicated,

- So wonderful.
- I know.

- Max...
- Look, 99, it's getting kind of late

And I have a busy day
ahead of me tomorrow.

- I think you'd better run along now.
- All right.



- Return these deposit bottles for me.
- Right.

Do you realize that we may
never see each other again?

Well, that's okay,


You can keep it.



No, I'm home, stretched
out on a nice soft bed

Like a normal person.
Of course I'm here!

Have you seen anybody around
here that looks like a kaos agent?

- No, I haven't.
- What are you so grouchy about today?

Because I didn't sleep a
wink last night, that's why.

Every time I dozed off,
somebody dropped garbage on me.

Will you please keep
your voice down?

How'd you like to spend 12
hours holding your breath?

Listen, there are worse assignments
than this. I once knew an agent

Who was locked in a washing
machine for three days.

That was me, 86!

Yes, I forgot.

I came out so wrinkled,
I had to iron my skin.

Would you stop complaining?
I'm about to be captured by kaos.


The magazine counter.

Guy in the trench coat, dark
glasses, reading the magazine.

Could be a kaos agent.

Report my capture to control
headquarters immediately.

good luck, 8... Ow!

Sorry about that.

Morning, hugo.

Oh, little early for
you, isn't it, mr. Smart?

Yes, well, I'm out on
some secret business.

I wouldn't want
this to get around,

But I may have a
date in greenland.

- Nosy character.
- Well, you get all kinds.

By the way, hugo, here's
a little something for you

In appreciation for letting me
read my horoscope every morning.

- A present.
- Yes.

I won't be using it much
longer. It's brand-new.

Hey, it's beautiful.

- Well, wear it in good health, hugo.
- Gee, thanks, mr. Smart.

Oh, by the way,

In connection with that secret
business I was telling you about,

I may be gone for a few days,

And I'd appreciate it
if you'd pick up my mail.

The name is smart,
maxwell smart.

Capital "s," small "m,"

Small "a," small "r," small "t."

Smart.

Like to look up your
horoscope, mr. Smart?

Oh, thank you, hugo.

Now let's see.

"Scorpio."

Uh-huh. "Good for business,

Meeting people and be prepared

For surprises."

Hugo, what happened?

A little surprise
from kaos, mr. Smart.

Of course. The old

Gas-b*mb-in-the-horoscope trick.

Come on. Let's get going.

What makes you think
I'm going with you?

The old g*n-in-the-hand trick.

Good trick.

Come on.

Well, that's the last time
I ever give you a sweater.

Come on.

Well?

You didn't find the code.

We searched him
thoroughly. Nothing.

You looked in the secret
pocket of his gray serge suit?

Every inch of it.

Should I take smart to
the t*rture room now?

There will be no t*rture.

- What have you got against t*rture?
- In the first place,

It makes too much noise.

We have more
interesting methods.

- No t*rture?
- No.

Bring smart in here.

No t*rture. I don't
know what happened.

This used to be a fun outfit.

If all else fails,

We will use the new serum.

Yes, I am most
anxious to try it.

I don't care what you say or do,

- I'm not talking.
- We will see.

Sit down, mr. Smart.

Well, you couldn't wait
to get started, could you?

- What do you mean?
- I see you've already tortured my coat.

We have hours to go. If
smart can only hold out

Till agent x gets to
greenland. Where's agent x now?

Changing planes in
newfoundland, sir.

- You said that 10 minutes ago.
- The plane's been delayed.

Delayed, what now?

Mechanical problems
with the movie projector.

Good grief.

Any word about poor max, chief?

No, 99, not since agent


Oh, poor max.


Thing over and over again.

- Don't dwell on it.
- Liftoff from newfoundland.

It's about time. 99, Why don't
you get a cup of coffee?

Right, chief, but please let me
know the minute you hear anything

- About poor max.
- I will, 99.

I wonder how he's doing.

- Who, sir?
- Poor max.

The new code, mr. Smart,

What is it?

I'm not talking.

You can save us
all a lot of trouble.

Trouble is my middle name.

- Let's t*rture.
- No, that is not necessary.

Mr. Smart is a reasonable
man. Are you not?

I are not.

Perhaps you would
like a cigarette.

I don't smoke.

- A glass of water.
- I don't drink.

There must be
something you would like.

Greta?

How about greta?

Suit yourself,
but I'm not talking.

We shall see.

Greta...

- Well, mr. Smart?
- I'm not talking.

I'm looking, but
I'm not talking.

Anything?

Pilot reports headwinds over the atlantic.

What's the estimated
time of arrival?

Still 5:00, sir.

- All right, 99, say it.
- I wonder how poor max is, chief.

What do you think, carlson?

He's been under t*rture
for three hours now.

He's probably close
to the breaking point.

If kaos finds out he's merely a
decoy, they can still intercept agent x.

It's just a question of
how much a man can take.

The code, max.

Tell me the code.

- Please...
- No, absolutely not.

Please.

No, you can t*rture
me all you like,

But the answer is still no.

Oh, max, please tell me.

I don't want them to hurt you.

Tell me the code.

No no no.

Enough!

Wait a minute. I'll
say when it's enough.

Quiet! We will use the serum.

- Good good.
- This is the second time this month

- you have failed.
- wait a minute, kimmel.

I think greta did a swell job.

- Thank you, max.
- You're welcome, greta.

You were supposed to hug him
and kiss him, not get friendly.

Out! Untie him.

This is your last
chance, mr. Smart.

I'm not talking.

You may proceed, seidlitz.

What's that?

An injection, mr. Smart.

I hate needles.

You will talk?

No, I will faint.

What happens now?

This serum is a modification

Of thiopental sodium.

It will make you talk.

You cannot help yourself.

you'll recite whatever
you've committed to memory.

Good good. So you see, luden,

We must progress with the times.

Wait wait.

- He's coming to.
- Get ready to copy down the code.

We will now hear

what's in the subconscious
mind of maxwell smart.

Two times one is two.

Two times two is four.

Two times three is six.

two times four is eight.

two times five is 10.

Strange, very strange.

What is this?

He's gone back too far.

He memorized that
in his childhood.

But he will progress to
the present very quickly.

Two times six is 12.

Two times seven is...

Two times seven is...



Two times seven is 14, stupid.

You and your
serum. Let's t*rture.

Right. Notify
security in greenland.

I want an armored car waiting
at the airport for agent x.

Yes, sir.

If smart cracks,

Kaos will be desperate
to get that code.

- How long now?
- Two hours and 28 minutes, sir.

Two times seven is...

two times seven is...

Kimmel, kimmel, I've got it.

- What what what?
- This is no ordinary man.

This man is brilliant.
He's a genius.

- What are you saying?
- He has trained himself so thoroughly,

That even his subconscious
comes out in code.

Red rover, red rover.

Red rover, red rover...

"Red rover,

Red rover."

Let barney kaufman come over.

Let barney kaufman come over.

"Let barney kaufman come over"?

Yeah, now...

If we transpose the vowels

In "red rover" and
substitute them

For the consonants
in "barney kaufman"...

You and your
serum. Let's t*rture.

- What's happening?
- I'm having trouble with the reception.

Kaos may be jamming
the frequency.

All I keep getting is
lawrence welk music.

Kaos has no mercy.

Wait a minute. I've
got greenland now.

Control tower reports
a perfect landing.

- Good, now if...
- Wait a minute. There's more.

Agent x safely
inside armored car.

- Mission accomplished.
- Oh, wow, what a relief.

Well, in a few moments control
can resume normal communications

- Throughout the world.
- Wait a minute, chief.

What about max?

- I'm sorry, 99.
- Don't you talk about max that way, chief!

- He's not dead.
- 99, It's impossible.

No man can survive what
they put him through.

We don't know
that for sure, chief.

- I'm going to find out.
- You're wasting your time.

If you don't go
with me, I'll go alone.

No no, wait a minute.
I'll go with you,

But you've got to prepare
yourself for the worst.

He may have cracked
under that t*rture.

He may have the mind
of a four-year-old.

He's still be the
same max to me.

A, b, c, d, e, f...

- G.
- G, h, i, j, k,

L, m, n, o...

P.

This little piggy went
to market equals x.

Then this little piggy
who stayed home equals y,

And this little piggy
who had roast beef

Must equal z.

Stop, stop everything!

- I was just...
- Never mind what you was just.

Your brilliant genius is a fake,

A decoy. Word just came in.

Control's new code has been
delivered by the real messenger.

And you are responsible
for our failure.

But I never knew a man who was
so much in love with his childhood.

You know what you must do.

- I do.
- You will do the honorable thing.

I will.

Luden, I am now
in charge of kaos.

- Luden: what about him?
- Finish him off.

- No t*rture?
- No.

Next time I say t*rture,
maybe you'll listen.

Max... Oh, you're alive!

- I'm so happy!
- We didn't know what to expect,

But 99 insisted we come for you.

That's all right, chief.
You didn't have to do that.

I could have taken a cab back.

By the way, how did
you know I was here?

We just took a wild guess.

Max, what you did today will
go down in control history.

I still can't
believe you're alive.

I'm about the only one who
is, outside of luden here.

We'll take him down to control
headquarters for questioning.

No t*rture?

All right, hold it. Nobody move!

Why don't you watch
where you're sh**ting?

- I got him, didn't i?
- Yes, right through my sweater.

Max, I just want you to know that
what you did today was very brave.

No, not really, 99.

It's only what any
well-trained heroic agent

- Would have done.
- Do you really think so?


That I believe in,

Everything that I hold sacred

Is based upon my belief
in the honesty and nobility

Of my fellow agents, and
that belief is unshakable,

Unarguable and incontrovertible.

Of course, I could be wrong.

Still, max, I don't think
there are many men

That would have faced
what you faced today.

Well, 99, in our business,
we have to be prepared

To face capture and t*rture.

But how can you be
prepared for that, max?

Because, 99, pain
is all in the mind.

It's all in the mind. If you
have control over your brain

The way that I have
control over my brain,

Then the body can
feel no physical pain.

I see.

Listen, do you mind if we
don't talk about it anymore?

- Why not?
- I'm getting a terrible headache.

Well, I'm off on vacation.

Oh, max, two whole
weeks. I'm gonna miss you.

Well, two whole
weeks isn't too long, 99.

Two whole weeks
is only... Let's see...

There's seven days in a week,

Two times seven is, uh...

Two times seven is, uh...