02x05 - Maxwell Smart, Alias Jimmy Ballantine

[bunniefuu]

It's 11:00, 99.

- I better check in with control.
- Right.

Hello, this is 86
calling control.

This is 86 calling
control. Come in, control.

Max, that's the
cigarette lighter.

The radio's beside it.

Oh, thank you, 99.

the last time I tried to call
control I burnt my tongue.

Hello, this is 86
calling control.

This is 86 calling
control. Come in control.

Yes, max.

Oh hi, chief. We've
been watching

Dobring's barbershop
all morning.

Anything unusual?

Well, two congressmen,

A supreme court justice,
and senator edwards went in.

Did you find out anything
that we don't know?

Yes, chief. Senator
edwards wears a toupee.

Keep watching, max. We
have reason to believe that

That barbershop is a kaos front.

Listen chief,
I'm a little tired.

You know I was up all night.

Max, this is important.

The man we suspect of being mr. K.,
The top financial genius of kaos,

Has been seen going
into that barbershop.

Well okay, chief.
I'll stay on the job.

Listen, max, if you're tired,
why don't you take a nap?

I'll wake you if
anything happens.

No thank you, 99.
I couldn't sleep.

When I sense danger

Every fiber of my
being is on full alert.

I understand, but let me
know if you change your mind.

Chief, this is 99.

An armored car has just pulled
up in front of the barbershop.

Yes, just a minute. I'll
let you speak to him.

Max, wake up. Max.

Wake up? I'm not asleep.

Where am i?

The chief wants to talk to you.

Morning, chief.

Max, what do you make of that
truck in front of the barbershop?

Well, there doesn't seem
to be anything unusual, chief.

They're just making
a routine delivery

Of a bunch of towels
in an armored truck.

Doesn't it strike you as unusual

That they deliver laundry
in an armored truck?

Maybe they're expensive towels.

Max, it's obvious that they are
picking up money, not laundry.

When the truck
leaves, follow it.

Right, chief. I'll
stay with them.

Max, have they noticed
you watching them?

No chief, they're
not at all suspicious.

Max! Max, what happened?

Well, chief, the truck got away.

But don't worry, I'm proceeding
to the corner of 6th and main.

Is that a control checkpoint?

No, it's a used-car lot.

We're going to have to send a man
in to infiltrate that barbershop.

Now if we can do it successfully,
we'll be able to learn

How kaos finances
their evil schemes.

Maybe they're playing
the stock market, chief.

No, max, I don't think
so. It's much more likely

That they get their money by
robbery, extortion and blackmail.

You're probably right.

A lot of people don't
trust the market these days.

I want you to both step up here.

I'm going to put a
picture on and I want you

To look at it very carefully.

now do either one of
you know who that is?

- no.
- max: no, chief.

Well, he's obviously a convict.

But more important is
his former occupation.

Hmm. Well,

Judging from the
little, beady, shifty eyes,

I'd say politician.

No, max.

Disc jockey?

No.

Jaywalker?

Safecracker.

Hey, that was fun, chief.
Can we play another round?

Max, that is jimmy balantine,

The best safecracker the
underworld has every produced.

He's so adept at opening locks

That when he first went to prison
they had to weld him into a cell.

- Go on, chief.
- Thank you.

Now...

Balantine is being
released in a couple of days.

We know he's been
contacted by kaos,

But we don't know
what they want him for.

considering his
particular skill,

it's safe to assume they want
him to break into something.

How do we know this, chief?

Balantine told us. He
wants to go straight.

Then you want an agent
to take balantine's place.

Exactly. We planted
a story to the effect

that balantine was burned in
a laundry accident in prison.

That will give us an
excuse to disguise

Our man's face in bandages.

Chief, I'd like to volunteer.

It sounds like a su1c1de
assignment, chief.

I'd like to volunteer
to find a volunteer.

Let's see,

Balantine is 5'9".

Max is 5'9".

Balantine weighs 150 lbs.

Max weighs 150 lbs.

Balantine has a
brilliant, agile, alert mind.

Oh.

Chief, I want this assignment.

I'll tell you right now, max,

One slip and they'll k*ll you.

I laugh at danger.

They might t*rture you.

Well, that's the
way it goes, chief.

You laugh a little,
you cry a little.

You are almost a perfect
physical match for balantine.

Okay, max, the job is yours.

But max doesn't know anything
about opening a safe, chief.

Balantine has agreed to give our
man a crash course in safecracking.

He claims he can
do it in a few hours.

Well, that's it, chief. I'm off.

All right, max.

Oh, one more thing, chief.

- What?
- Where am I off to?

Federal prison. I'll meet you in
the warden's office tomorrow.

Warden, do you mind if I lock
the door? This is top security.

Warden: oh, I understand.

I must say I appreciate your
cooperation in this matter.

Well, I'm glad to
help out any way I can.

I am very impressed with
what I've seen of the prison.

Thank you. We try
to keep the men here

From being aware
that they're confined,

Removed from the
world. In a prison.

How long have you
been warden here?

Six years, three
months, eleven days.

You must be doing
an excellent job.

The men seem very well behaved.

Yes, we try to give
them a little warmth and

Understanding along
with the constant beatings.

That must be
balantine. Just a moment, it's locked.

Balantine, how many
times do I have to tell you?

Wait until I unlock the door.

Max, this is jimmy balantine, the
man you are going to impersonate.

Oh, glad to meet you,
balantine, I'm maxwell smart.

Sorry, I don't shake hands.

In my line of work, I don't take
any chances with my fingers.

- I understand.
- Why don't you two go in the other room?

There are several combination
safes you can work on.

Come along, balantine.

Now, max, you pay strict
attention to what he says.

- Your life may depend on it.
- Right, chief.

Yeah, use the bandages so
you can get used to them.

Oh, I am used to them, chief.

You haven't had
much time to practice.

Don't worry, chief, I feel like
I've been wearing them for weeks.

Oof.

Sorry about that.

I hope it works out. He's
a very intelligent man.

Yes, 86 is one of
our best agents.

I didn't mean him.
I meant balantine.

The secret to this whole business
is in listening with your fingers.

- Listening with your fingers.
- That's right.

I'll explain the whole
thing to you in a minute.

First, let's limber
up our hands like so.

Now this kind of work
needs long, sensitive fingers.

They kind of run in my family.

I've got two brothers who
are concert piano players.

That's interesting. And
you became a safecracker.

Yeah, somebody
had to support them.

Okay, smart, watch me work.

See what I mean, smart?

I'm listening with my fingers.

That's fantastic.

This is like a
piggy bank for me.

Mmm. Listen, what are you
going to do when you get out?

Going to be a tv repairman.

I thought you
were going straight.

Okay, smart. You try it now.

Now when your fingers
hear the tumblers click,

Go in the other direction.

I think I better
try my left hand.

My right hand is
hard of hearing.

You ought to try some sandpaper.

Sandpaper? Don't be
ridiculous, balantine.

It would take years to open
this safe with sandpaper.

On your fingertips,
makes you hear better.

Like so.

They feel sensitive now?

Well, three of
them are sensitive,

Two of them are bleeding.

Warden, what time is balantine
scheduled to be released?



It's almost that now. I
better get smart in here.

How's it going, balantine?

To tell you the
truth, not too good.

I was afraid of that.

If all safecrackers
were like him,

Banks could keep their
money in cardboard boxes.

Max: balantine...

Max, come in here, please.

I'm having a little trouble
with this one, balantine.

Okay, I'll open it for you.

Max, it's almost time
for you to be released.

They'll probably be
waiting for you outside.

I'm ready, chief.

You've been a lot of help,
balantine. Thanks a lot.

- You're welcome.
- After this case is over,

I'll drop into your repair
shop and bring my tv set.

If you live that long.

Let's go, balantine.

Now, max, there isn't much time, so
pay attention and listen carefully.

They'll probably take you
right to the barbershop.

Ah, that's a bad break, chief.

- Why?
- I just had a haircut.

Max, concentrate.

as soon as you find
out what kaos wants,

Call us on your shoe
phone and we'll give you

- The combination of the safe.
- Gotcha, chief.

Now 99 has gotten a job as a
manicurist in the barbershop.

Oh, nobody told me 99
was leaving control.

The point is she's been
planted there to assist you.

Chief, could I ask
a silly question?

Why bother giving
us the combination?

Why not just
catch us in the act?

Because we're letting them
get away with the money.

Do I get to keep my share?

No, max.

Now as soon as they take
that money, we'll follow them.

That should lead us to mr. K, the
head man of kaos' financial section.

Now, max, from the moment
you leave this prison,

You're jimmy balantine,
safecracker. Your life depends on it.

- Good luck, max.
- Sorry, chief, I don't shake hands.

In my business, you don't take
chances with your fingers.

Well, kaos will never know
that I'm not jimmy balantine.

So, don't worry
about a thing, chief.

Well, maybe you could
worry "that" much.

Would you believe "that" much?

The b-89 can do


At an altitude of 90,000 feet,

But on the other
hand, the icbm-117

Is 50% faster and 60% cheaper.

By the way, dobring, what
does "icbm" stand for again?

Intercontinental
ballistic m*ssile.

Of course. I keep forgetting.

There you are, general.

You know what I like
about you, dobring?

You don't chatter
away like most barbers.

You're a good listener.

Thank you, general.

See you next week.

Send this reel of tape to kaos.

Balantine.

Can I help you, sir?

Yes, I'd like a manicure.

Of course. The name please?

Balantine, jimmy balantine.

Won't you have a
seat, mr. Balantine?

Oh, miss evans?

Yes, mr. Dobring.

Mr. Balantine would
like a manicure.

And be careful. Before he left,

Your last customer
needed a transfusion.

Sorry about that.

Miss evans will take
good care of you, sir.

I certainly hope so. I
have very sensitive fingers.

My, you haven't had a
manicure for a long time.

i've been away for
three to five years.

How's it going, 99?

Max, I think this barbershop is

A kaos clearing-house
for everything...

Money, information and agents.

- Ouch.
- I'm sorry, sir.

Is agent 13 here?

Yes, he's in the back room,

To the right of
the water fountain.

- Ow!
- Ooh, I am sorry, sir.

I knew I'd be facing danger, but I
didn't think it would be from you.

Everything all right, sir?

Yes, fine, thank you.

Oh, do you have
a water fountain?

Yes, sir, right back there.

Would you excuse me
for a moment, miss evans?

Certainly.





Where are you, 13?

Is that you, 86?

What have you learned?

I've learned to hate the spy
business. That's what I've learned.

All control does is
lock me up in solitary.

I might as well be a kaos man.

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

I'm sorry, 86. I
didn't mean that.

It's just that when I signed
up to be a secret agent

I thought I'd be
shot or stabbed.

I never thought I'd be melted.

Easy, 13, just keep cool.

Well that's easy for you to say.

Since I've been in
here, I've lost 10 lbs

And my amm*nit*on
is about to explode.

Listen, is there another
entrance to this barbershop?



Could I trouble you for
a glass of cold water?

Haven't you learned anything?

What have you been
doing in there all day?

Kaos is planning a huge job.
That's what they need balantine for.

Oh, that's good.

After you've opened the safe,
they're planning to k*ll you.

That's bad.

Well, good luck, 86.

Thanks, 13. Keep your eyes open.

Yes, I try, 86, but
I keep fainting.

Everything all right, sir?

Yes, I was just very
thirsty, that's all.

Why don't you sit
here, mr. Balantine?

Oh, miss evans, would you
get me a bottle of hair tonic

- From the back room, please?
- Yes, sir.

Here, mr. Balantine, let me
make you more comfortable.

What happened to my customer?

He had to leave. He just
remembered a previous appointment.

How do we know you
are the real balantine?

Well, who else would I be?

Who knows? You could
be a control agent.

- - No, rex.
- I'll tell you when.

If you are the real
balantine, perhaps you

Could answer a
few simple questions.

sh**t. That's only
a figure of speech.

What was the date
of the brinks robbery?

January 17, 1950.

The take was $2,345,000.

Who was the last man elected
to the underworld hall of fame?

Willie sutton. He was
named on 91% of the ballots.

What was the nickname of the man

Who drove the getaway
car in the van allen heist?

- Can I ask you a question?
- Go ahead.

Is two out of three passing?

In this case, yes. There
was no van allen heist.

Welcome to kaos, balantine.

Thank you. What's the caper?

The vault in the federal
reserve bank... $5,000,000 In cash.

Oh? When?

Immediately. Can you handle it?

I think so.

For your sake, I hope so.

Popov will give you the details.

One more thing, balantine...
Give me your shoes.

My shoes, why?

Don't you remember, balantine?

On your last job you slipped
and fell against the burglar alarm.

Popov will provide a
pair of tennis sneakers.

But these are my
lucky moccasins.

Give me your shoes, balantine.

Now go get ready.

Rex.

Don't forget... After balantine
opens the safe, sh**t him.

I thought that
would cheer you up.

Chief, I don't know
what's happened to max.

He was supposed to contact me on his
shoe phone but I haven't heard from him.

Do you think
something's gone wrong?

Knowing max, I'm sure of it.

Were you able to find
out anything at all?

Well, I had a few seconds
to talk to agent 13

And he said something
about a bank job tonight.

If max doesn't call, I can't give
him the combination to the vault.

If he can't open
it, they'll k*ll him.

What are we going to do, chief?

We've got to gamble.

- Man: yes, sir.
- contact the federal reserve board.

I want the vaults of every bank in
the washington area left open tonight.

did you say "open"?

You heard me, "open."

The biggest bank
robbery in history.

$5,000,000 For the
kaos treasury.

Are you sure you want to go
through with this thing, dobring?

What are you talking about?

Well, first of
all, it's dishonest.

You have a sense
of humor, balantine.

- Thank you.
- But I don't like it.

Open the safe. Quickly,
we don't have time to waste.

Well, all I
can do is try...

But if he bites
me, I'll sue you.

Hurry, balantine.

Don't rush me. I've got
to warm up my fingers.

That's enough.

I'll say when it's enough.

It's enough.

What are you doing?

Don't you know anything
about safecracking?

I'm listening with my fingers.

Well, balantine?

Gentlemen, I've got
a confession to make.

He opened it.

You're kidding!

You know, you probably have distemper.
Why don't you see a veterinarian?

I'll take care of
the money, popov.

You take care of balantine.

Wait a minute,
what's going on here?

Turn around, balantine,
with your hands up.

I sure hate a crook
who can't be trusted.

Rex.

Sic him!

What happened?

Bulletproof bandages.

Max, are you all right?

Yes, 99, I think so.

But, I've got a headache
you wouldn't believe.

- So, you are not balantine.
- No, I'm not.

I'm maxwell smart, agent


He did a lousy job.

Who?

Whoever gave you
your last haircut.

Come on, dobring. Let's go.

We picked up dobring outside.

We didn't get their
mysterious mr. K.,

But we've broken up their bank
robbing unit thanks to you, max.

You know something, chief? I
still can't get over the fact

That you were prepared to
let them get away with $5,000,000.

Well, it wasn't much of a
risk, max. Here, look at this.

This is one of the bills that
they took from the vault.

A $1,000 bill. So what?

It's bogus money, max.

- Are you sure, chief?
- I'm positive.

That's funny. Feels
real. Looks real.

It's even got a picture of
president goldwater on it.

Max...

Goldwater lost the
election by 17,000,000 votes.

Oh yes, I remember now.

Missed it by that much.

Well, it's been a good
night's work, max.

I think we've broken the
back of kaos' financing system.

They'll have to think of some other
way to pay for their evil schemes.

Think of it... If
we could dry up

Their money source completely,
they'd be out of business.

Wait a minute, chief.

If kaos goes out of
business, what happens to us?

Well, I guess the control organization
would be out of business too.

There wouldn't
be any need for us.

Well, that's okay for
you. You're an old man.

you can retire on your pension.

But what about me?

I don't know anything
but being a secret agent.

What are you trying to say, max?

Well, maybe we can
get together and

Give kaos enough money to
keep going for a few years.

Max, that's a ridiculous
notion. That would be like

The police cooperating with organized
crime. How would you like that?

Well, it seems to work
in the major cities.

Look, max.

Help me take the rest of
these bags into the vault

And we can all go home.

I'm sorry, chief. I can't
lift any of that heavy stuff.

I have to be very careful
of my sensitive fingers.

There may be a whole career for
me as a professional safecracker.

Tell him, 99.

Tell me what?

Max, you didn't open that vault.

What are you talking about, 99?

Of course I opened that vault.

What do you think, the
bank left the door open?

Yes, max. That's
exactly what happened.

Oh, really?

Well, I'll just show you
that I can open any safe.

I have a hunch that's the chief.

Max, you've got to
get him out of there.

Don't worry, 99.

I'm used to dealing
with big babies like this.

I'll have him out in two
shakes of a lamb's tale.

Would you believe three shakes?

Max, we can't leave
him in there overnight.

There's not enough
air. He'll suffocate.

Wait a minute, 99,
he's using code.

At least we can
communicate with him.

What did you say, max?

I asked him how long
he could hold his breath.

Chief, watch your language.
There's a lady outside!