02x04 - The Only Way to Die

[bunniefuu]

- Christopher.
- Ah, stromberg.

How was your flight?

Excellent.

Coffee to start with, sir?

Please.

Well, christopher, is
everything prepared

For the blaster's annual visit?

Yes yes, of course.

What national building

Is the blaster going
to blow up this year?

The u.s. Internal
revenue building.

How magnificent!

It'll throw the american
economy into complete confusion.

another triumph for kaos.

The blaster will enter the
country in the next 48 hours.

The building will be blown up
exactly one week from tonight.

How is the blaster getting
into the country this time?

He's coming in with "the lover."

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I
got ashes in your coffee.

It's all right. I'll
get a fresh cup.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

There is a man standing behind
you with a g*n in your back.

I advise you to do
exactly as he says.

So our old friend maxwell smart.

Now just a minute. You
guys are a little out of line.

I was just sitting here reading my
newspaper and waiting for my lunch.

And listening in to a flower?

Isn't that a little bit unusual?

Not as unusual as what your
friend's doing... He's talking into one.

- Now, mr. Smart...
- What?

I suggest you
don't make a scene.

Just get up and walk to that
green sedan parked at the curb.

But I haven't had my
bacon and eggs yet.

How unfortunate.

But you don't understand.
If I don't have my lunch here

I can't get my parking
ticket validated.

Start walking.

Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.

- Woman: what happened to him?
- I think he's been shot.

- I didn't hear any sh**ting.
- Somebody call a cop.

- Get an ambulance!
- Somebody get an ambulance!

It's too late. This man is dead.

Hey, charlie, cancel
the bacon and eggs!

Poor max. He was so young.

Yes, he was young.

And vital.

He was vital.

And intelligent.

Loyal?

Yes, he was loyal.

Oh, poor fang. He's so upset.

Fang and max were in the same
graduating class at spy school.

Oh chief, please let me
go after whoever did this.

I can't do that, 99.

I'm assigning you to a case
that only you can handle.

What's that?

Antonio carlos carioca.

Oh chief, every time
he comes in town

All he does is stay
up all night partying.

I know, 99, but he's a
very influential person

And we can't afford to let
anything happen to him while he's here.

Besides, he specifically requested
that you be assigned to him again.

But chief, I'm in
mourning for max!

I know, 99. Maybe this assignment
will be just what you need.

It'll help you take your mind off
this terrible thing that happened.

I'm afraid I'm going to be a
long time forgetting, chief.

Max was someone special.

He had a way of... Of
getting under your skin.

Yes, he certainly did.

Now now, 99, I'll
walk you to your car.

Come on, fang.

I'll be all right, chief.



I'll be along in a minute.

- Right, chief.
- Go with her, fang.

Pardon me for intruding
at a time like this

But were you very close to max?

Are you kidding?
We were inseparable.

- Max!
- Shh!

Max, are you crazy? You were told
to stay in hiding until this was over.

Don't you realize by coming here

You've jeopardized our whole
plan for capturing the blaster?

Some funeral. Look at
those crummy flowers.

They must have cost
a dollar and a half.

What did you do, pick up
an old corsage someplace?

- Max, it isn't important.
- It's important to me.

And another thing...
This cemetery lot.

Why isn't it up
on a hill, chief?

You know I like a view.

Listen, max, for
the past five years

The blaster has eluded us.

But this time we know exactly
what he's going to do and when,

Because you overheard their
plans before they k*lled you.

You call that a headstone?

I've seen better
headstones for parakeets.

Max, kaos must remain
convinced that you're dead

Or they'll change their plans.

Now why did you take a
chance and come here?

Because I wanted to
pay my last respects

To somebody that I
used to be very fond of.

Judging from the turnout I'm
the only one. Where is everybody?

I don't know, max. I guess they
just had something else to do.

Where's parker?
Why isn't parker here?

Parker had a
previous engagement.

- Another funeral?
- No, tickets to a ball game.

Oh, well that's a
legitimate excuse.

How about carlson?
Why isn't carlson here?

Carlson has a bad cold.

I suppose he was
afraid to come here

And give it to me. Very
considerate of him.

Let's get you into hiding
before somebody sees you.

Don't touch me.

I watched you during the services
and you weren't even moved.

Max, you're not really dead!

But everybody thinks I am.

The least you could
have done was sniffle.

Some funeral. I was
the only one who cried.

- Max!
- And another thing, chief,

About that casket... What was
that made out of, cardboard?

I'll make it up to you. Your next
funeral will be truly magnificent.

You say that but
you don't mean it.

And besides, I may not be
around the next time to check.

Will you get to your
hideout and stay there?

Chief, do you really
think my coming here

Endangered our chances
for capturing the blaster?

It could've. I don't think
they recognized you.

I spotted two kaos agents
observing the services from their car

And they seemed convinced
that you were really quite dead.

- Two kaos agents?
- Yes, stromberg and christopher,

- The men who m*rder*d you.
- They came to my funeral?

Who do you think
sent the flowers?

That was very
considerate, chief.

It just goes to show you
that you have to be m*rder*d

Before you can find out
who your friends really are.

I must remember to send
them a thank-you note.

Max, please get going.

Chief...

If you don't mind, you go ahead.

I'd like to be alone
for a few minutes.

I want to say goodbye to myself.

I admit these aren't very
pleasant accommodations, max,

But we thought it would be safer for
you to be hiding in a deserted building.

That's all right, chief, I'm getting
used to the shabby treatment.

It's only for a
couple of days, max.

Hmm, well, I didn't expect to
go to heaven when I got k*lled

But I didn't expect this either.

Just have to get used to it.

Until we make our move
this will be your home.

Careful, chief. That's
my favorite easy chair.

and watch your ashes. The
maid just finished vacuuming.

Max, cut it out. The
important thing is

That you not leave this place
for any reason whatsoever.

Just to make sure, I'm
stationing agent 13 outside.

It's vital that the
blaster be stopped.

We've stopped him so
far, haven't we, chief?

- No, we haven't.
- What do you mean?

Well, max, this is
classified information,

But every year for
the past five years

The blaster has sneaked into washington
and blown up one of our national monuments.

A national monument? You mean
like the washington monument?

- Who told you?
- Who told me what?

There's nothing wrong with the
washington monument. I pass it every day.

That is a credit to the
labor unions of our country:

Carpenters,
plumbers, electricians

Stone masons, engineers...

Everybody it takes
to put up a building.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about a heroic
workforce of 6,000 men,

All on emergency standby
duty, waiting by their phones

for a call from mcclutzky.

- Mcclutzky?
- Mcclutzky, he's the foreman.

the blaster always
strikes at midnight.

And within minutes the emergency
call goes out to mcclutzky

And he contacts his 6,000 men.

Wow, he must have
some phone bill.


Building, working without a break.

and by daylight, the
building was rebuilt

without the public knowing
it was ever destroyed.

That's amazing.

Haven't you ever wondered
why the national archives building

- Has been closed for almost a year?
- The blaster?

Leveled it to the ground.

By the morning, they had
the outside of it built up.

Do you know what's
inside of that building?

- What?
- A vacant lot.

That's incredible.

And now he's after the
internal revenue building.

He's gotta be stopped, chief.

Yes. If he succeeds, the
records of every taxpayer

In this country
will be destroyed.

We won't know who's paid
his taxes and who hasn't.

Well that'll just mean that
every taxpayer is on his honor.

This country could be
in a lot of trouble, chief.

At least we've got
one thing to go on.

What's that?

You remember when I was
listening to the two kaos men?

One of them said the blaster was
coming into the country with "the lover."

I've been working on
that piece of information

For two days now
and you know what?

- You've got the answer?
- No, I've wasted two days.

I've got to be going, max.

Remember... Keep out of sight.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, chief.

Oh, is there anything
I can bring you?

Yes, a copy of
"house beautiful."

I'm thinking of redecorating.

Where do you think
you're going, 86?

Oh, it's you, 13.

Listen, I just had to get
out and stretch my legs.

You don't know what it's like being
cooped up in a small room like that.

I'm sitting in a mailbox
and you're telling me

I don't know what it's like to
be cooped up in a small room?

I'd love to be cooped
up in a small room.

I'd give anything to be cooped up
in something as big as a small room.

Take it easy, 13, take it easy.

Every assignment I get I'm
always locked in something small.

I'm always in a mailbox
or a scale or a locker

Or a grandfather's
clock or a tree...

Do you know what happened
when I was stationed in that tree

- At that rubber plantation case?
- What?

I was tapped! Try that sometime.

Try standing up all night

With a spigot in your stomach!

Try to pull yourself
together, 13.

I'll be all right, 86,

Just as long as that
woman doesn't come back.

What woman?

The one who has
the boy in the army.

Every day she
sends him something.

What's so bad about that?

Today she sent him
limburger cheese.

Phew!


Ruining the neighborhood.

- Who is it?
- it's the chief.

- How's it going, max?
- Terrible.

I'm beginning to feel like
the prisoner of zenda.

Tomorrow you'll be free
because the blaster is scheduled

To blow up the internal
revenue building

Tonight at midnight.

Hmm. Did you find
out who the lover is?

No, but we're still trying. And just
in case, I've got mcclutzky standing by.

How about 99? How's she?

Under the circumstances
she's taking it admirably.

I'm not cold in my grave yet

And every night
she's out on the town.

Max, you're not really dead
and 99 is on an assignment!

The least she could
do is wear a black dress.

Tonight, carioca
comes to town...

Wait a minute, chief.

Isn't it a little coincidental

That when antonio carlos
carioca comes to town

It's always at
approximately the same time

That the blaster
makes his appearance?

Yes, we've thought about
that but it doesn't check out.

Because at the exact moment those
buildings were being demolished

Carioca was having a farewell
supper on board his yacht with 99.

And 99 is sure that he never slipped
off the yacht for any long period of time?

She's positive. How can
you blow up a building

When you're having
supper on a yacht?

Maybe it is just a coincidence.

Don't worry about it,
max. We'll get the blaster.

Now go ahead and
eat. I've got to leave.

What did you bring
me today, chief?

Corned beef from
irving's delicatessen.

- chief?
- mmm?

I don't care what happens to me,

But somehow,
someplace, sometime,

I'm going to put
that man behind bars.

- The blaster.
- No, irving.

This corned beef is terrible!

Man on radio: on the
lighter side of the news,

millionaire playboy and
dignitary antonio carlos carioca

bids our city farewell tonight

and sails home aboard
his new $2 million yacht.

our news cameras filmed these
exclusive sh*ts of the custom-built ship

anchored in the potomac river.

the lavish new vessel
is called the "el amador,"

and boasts seven
staterooms, three bars...

Did he say "el amador"?

the "el amador."

"El amador" is spanish
for "the lover."

Control headquarters,
hobson speaking.

- Hello, hobson. Let me speak to the chief.
- He's not here.

Listen, hobson, get
this and get it straight...

- It's top priority.
- who is this?

Maxwell smart, agent 86.

Now listen, hobson, I
want you to tell the chief

That the blaster is onboard
antonio carlos carioca's yacht.

Come on, quit
stalling. Who is this?

I'm telling you, hobson,
it's maxwell smart.

Tell the chief the reason he
hasn't been able to find the lover

Is because "the lover"
in spanish is "el amador."

You see, carioca named his yacht
"the lover." But being spanish,

He painted the name of the
yacht in spanish... The "el amador."

in spanish... Eh,
wait a minute...

or is "el amador"
"the lover" in english?

No, "english" is
"lover" in spanish,

Therefore the "el amador"
is spanish for "english."

Ehh, or is "el amador"
english for "spanish"?

Either way call the coast
guard and tell "the lover"

That the chief and the "el
amador" are the same boat.

Well, it sounds
like maxwell smart.

Hmm... Makes about as
much sense as he did.

But you can't fool me.

Maxwell smart couldn't be
making this call because he's dead.

Hello? Hello?

Hello!

Here, you'd better
let me take that.

- What are you doing in that mailbox?
- What mailbox?

Come on out of there.
You're under arrest.

I don't think you
understand, officer.

See, I just got in town
and there wasn't a hotel...

If you don't come
out I'm coming in!

Tell your story in night
court to judge roberts.

Judge roberts... I think
I got a letter for him.

Come on, out!


Call headquarters

And tell hobson that...





He's been mailed!

Senorita, I do not understand.
Always you are so alive and gay.

This year you are so sad.
Everything I say makes you cry.

I'm sorry, senor carioca.
It's not your fault, though.

And stop calling
me senor carioca.

Call me antonio.

It is our last night. What
can I do to cheer you up?

Let me buy you something...

A dress, a diamond.

A candy store.

It's just that I've lost
someone very dear to me.

My... My uncle.

I'll buy you a new one.

Come on, stop crying, please.

You are too young
to cry, too lovely,

Too smart.

Smart!

What did I say now?

I'm sorry. I'll be all right.

See?

That's better.

There is a saying...

"The majesty of a woman's eyes

Should never be diminished
by the ignobleness of tears."

Oh, that's beautiful.

My father always said
that. He is 86 years old.



Why are you crying?
Papa is still alive!

He feels marvelous. Here,
I'll show you a picture.

Here he is on his
favorite horse maximillian.

My father calls him "max."

Max!

What have I said now?

What are you crying for?

I loved him.

You loved my father's horse?

I do not understand
what is going on.

Christopher: you
can't go in there!

Max: step aside, young man.

Oh, there you are, honey.

You forgot your key
so I brought it over.

I'm sorry, but she insisted on
coming aboard and seeing her niece.

- I tried...
- It is all right, christopher.

Inform stromberg
to start the engines.

- We sail in 15 minutes.
- Right.

Okay, carioca, stay
right where you are.

Or should I say "the blaster"?

Max!

Okay, drop it.

Sorry about that, 99.

Now whoever you
are, remove your hat.

So you are still
alive, maxwell smart.

How interesting...
And temporary.

You might as well hand
over that g*n, blaster,

Because this yacht happens to be
surrounded by the seventh fleet.

I find that hard to believe.

Would you believe
the sixth fleet?

I don't think so.

How about a school
of angry flounder?

So control thought if I
believed you were dead

I would proceed with my plan
and they would capture me.

How naive you americans are.

What do you mean?

I have already been inside
the internal revenue building

with the afternoon
sightseeing tour.

I slipped away from the group,

Planted the b*mb
and rejoined them.

All that is left to
do now is to set it off.

Oh really? Well, you're
the one that's naive, blaster,

Because that building happens
to be completely surrounded

And you could never get near
enough to set off the b*mb.

But I don't have to go there to
set off the expl*si*n, mr. Smart.

Back up.

Sit down.

You see, mr. Smart, my b*mb
operates on the principle

Of high-frequency sound waves.

This lever controls
the ship's whistle.

The first two
blasts of the whistle

Are the same whistle sounds
heard every day in the harbor.

But the third blast is on a wavelength
that the human ear cannot detect,

a wavelength that
will explode the b*mb.

So that's how you blew
up all those buildings

Without ever leaving the yacht.

Precisely.

And what more
perfect alibi could I have

Than a beautiful control agent

swearing she was having
dinner with me at the time?

And you call
yourself a gentleman.

Now, mr. Smart, I shall
pull this lever three times

And your internal revenue
building will go up in smoke.

Christopher!

Smart!

That's one!

That's two!

You know, two against
one is really rotten.

Don't move.

Don't move!

Missed me by that much.





Max, are you all right?

Yes, chief, as long as I don't
have to jump over that bar again.

- What happened to 99?
- Oh, she's all right. She just fainted.

How did you know I was here?

Hobson contacted me.
After he hung up on you

He traced the phone call and
found out it came from a shoe.

- Good work.
- How did you know the blaster was here?

Simply by using
my spanish, chief.

You see, "el amador"
in spanish is "lover."

And "lover" in
english is "el amador."

So it figured that if the
blaster was on the "el amador"

That meant that
carioca was on the lover,

Because "lover" in
spanish is "el amador."

And "el amador" in
english is "spanish."

oh max...

It really is you.

So you see, chief, in that way he
was able to set off the explosions

Without ever leaving the ship.

Absolutely brilliant.
We'll dismantle that b*mb.

Then we can move all the tax
records back into the building.

And to think that I
sat here each time

And actually watched him set off
those blasts without even knowing.

It wasn't your fault, 99. You thought
he was blowing the ship's whistle.

Actually all he was doing
was walking around the bar,

Looking at his watch,
and then reaching up

And pulling down the lever.

- Max!
- Max, don't touch that!

Relax, g*ng. The first two
only blow the ship's whistle.

It's the third one
that sets off the b*mb.

See?

Well, chief, no use
keeping mcclutzky waiting.