01x13 - Aboard the Orient Express

[bunniefuu]

Calling krochanska.

Calling krochanska.

According to my previous
observation,

The courier should be
removing the briefcase...

Now.

Drop it.
I said drop it,
or I'll sh**t.

So you are
the thief.

Well that solves
one mystery.

now, who are
you working for?

The pellet, krochanska.
The pellet.

[ Coughing ]

Max:
slide four, chief.
This was taken aboard

The orient express
by the austrian police
in innsbruck.

The subject
is agent 85,
deceased.

Agent 85 was the fourth
courier to leave paris

With a briefcase
chained to his wrist.

Not one reached
his destination alive.

Your conclusion, 86?

- su1c1de, chief.
- su1c1de?

But max,
he was gassed.

Well, I don't know
anything about
his drinking habits, 99,

But there's
a su1c1de note
on the floor.

That's his ticket.

Oh.

slide five.

so we bid
a fond farewell

To the pacific
paradise.

Sorry about that, chief.
That's another case.

- Who is that?
- George robinson.

kaos agent,
hawaiian branch.

- Fabulous disguise.
- I saw through it in only
one minute.

Would you believe it?
One minute.

I find that very
difficult to believe.

Would you believe
two minutes?

I don't think so.

How about
our fourth date?

[ theme music playing ]

The enemy
knows we must send
another courier.

Our one chance
is that they won't be
expecting a woman.

I understand,
chief,
I'll do the best
I can.

It's a dirty,
dangerous job.

It will require
intelligence,

Determination
and icy nerves.

Will I be issued
a destruct pellet,
chief?

- Yes, 99.
- Wait a minute,
chief.

You're not thinking
of sending her?

- She's a woman.
- Max, thank you.

Being a woman
is the reason
we chose her.

Four men failed--

Agents 82
through 85.

Now, this briefcase
must be gotten to b-12,

Somewhere
in the balkans.

It's beautiful,
chief.

And it's real
leather too.do you think
he'll like it?

Max, it contains
a half million dollars.

He'll love it.

It's the payroll
for our freelance agents
behind the iron curtain.

They haven't been paid
in five months.

If they complain
to the grievance committee
of the spies guild east

We are in a lot
of trouble.

Why, those babies
are m*rder at the
bargaining table.

Why, do you know
that they get disability
compensation for flesh wounds?

Max, may I get on
with this briefing?

Carry on, chief.

Now, 99, this security
briefcase has just been
developed by the lab.

Once it is attached
to the wrist, there are only
two ways of getting it off.

- One by using a key.
- Good.

However there is only
one key that will fit
this lock.

Anyone trying
to use another key

Will receive 5,000
volts of electricity
through him.

- Wow!
- Where is the one key
that fits, chief?

B-12, the agent
who will be receiving
this briefcase,

Already has it.
He'll be onboard the train.

- How will I know him?
- You'll receive further
instructions

From our contacts
onboard the train.

This certainly is
an ingenious device,
chief.

You just clap it
on your wrist, right?

And there's only
two ways to get
it off.

One is with the key
on the... Train.

In the...

- What's the other way,
chief?
- Amputation.

Amputation.

Oh, max.
You shouldn't have done
that for me.

Well, it looks
like you'll be taking
a long trip, 86.

Now let's go
to the lab.
Maybe minelli

Has come up with something
that will give you
a fighting chance.

Max, that was
the noblest, bravest

Most heroic thing
I've ever seen.

Thank you.

Maybe I could
soak my wrist.

Max, I don't
think you've met

Our new special
weapons advisor,
dr. Minelli.

Dr. Minelli,
this is agent 86,
maxwell smart.

- I believe you know 99.
- Yes, I do.

- How are you, smart?
- Nice to meet you, minelli.

I see
you play chess.

Well, I amuse myself
with a game or two
now and then.

So do i.
Well, I see

You've got an
interesting problem
here, but i...

...think
I know the answer.

That's checkers.

Well,
what's new in special
weapons, minelli?

What you have
in mind, smart?

Dr. Minelli,
all of the agents
who were k*lled

Where victims
of a highly toxic gas.

I wonder if you have
anything to give 86
that will protect him.

I think I got
just the thing.

Here.
Hey, try
this on, smart.

Oh.
That's beautiful.

But I think it'll clash
with my trench coat,
don't you, chief?

When you yank down
on the rim,

The bowler converts
into a gas mask.

Lovely.

Chief,
should I issue 86
a pair of strato shoes?

A pair
of what?

Strato shoes-- it's
one of dr. Minelli's
latest developments.

Let's look
at them.

The wearer
of these shoes,

Can obtain instant height
by merely knocking
his heels together.

It's a marvelous
device for instant
escape from danger.

I don't think
I quite understand.

Well, I'll demonstrate
using just one shoe.

Now, here's the activating
mechanism inside this heel.

Now, watch what happens
when I press it.

[ Air wooshes ]

That's incredible.

Yes, but exactly
what does it do?

There's a miniature
capsule of highly
compressed air

Buried inside
each heel.

Now clicking the hills
together sets off
a jet stream

That lifts
the wearer off the ground.

But what happens
if you only activate

One of the shoes
while you're wearing them?

Well, I imagine
you'd drive your leg
up through your head.

Then you'd advise
against that?

Chief, have
you given 86

A full explanation
of the briefcase?

Except the
alarm system.

Now, of course
you know about the key.

Agent b-12
has the only key
that will open the lock.

And he will be
somewhere on
that train.

Oh yes, I remember now.
A wrong key inserted
in this lock

Will set off
an electrical charge
of 5,000 volts.

And of course
the noise will bring
help running.

What noise?

Your screams.

My screams?

Now, one more
question--

What if someone tries
to take the briefcase

Away from me
without breaking
the lock?

The slightest tug
on that chain

Will set off
a siren you can hear
for a mile and a quarter.

- How do you turn off the alarm?
- Well, you just push
the button.

Well, chief,
I guess that about
wraps it up.

I think I'm just
about ready to go.

- [ Switch clicks ]
- [ alarm blaring ]

- Where is it?
- It's on the other end.

- What other end?
- This end.

[ Train whistle blares ]

[ Alarm blares ]

- [ Button clicks ]
- [ blaring stops ]

- 44?
- Yes, 86.welcome aboard.

I was told
that you'd be
my first contact.

- Correct.
- You have anything for me?

Yes.

Well?

Look, I don't know
how to tell you this, 86--

I haven't been
paid in five months.

Yes, I know
all about that, 44.

That's what this mission
is all about.

Now, can I please
have the message?

I mean after all, 86,
secret agents have
to live too.

Now, the spies' standard
agreement clearly states--

Yes, I know all about
the spies' standard agreement,

And I promise you,
you'll get paid just as soon
as I deliver the briefcase.

Now, can I have
the message, please?

You know,
everything costs
so much today.

g*ns and knives
are expensive,

Poison is up,

And strangling
wire is $6.80
a yard.

Please, 44.

Do you have any idea
what it costs today

To build a halfway
decent infernal machine?

All right, 44.
All right.

[ train whistle blares ]

Here, this should tide
you over for a little while.

Thanks, 86.

You know,
I even had to pay
to get on this train?

And this is
a first-class
medicine chest.

Yes, I know,
I know, 44.

Now will you
please give me
the message?

Here.
Make sure
you destroy it.

Right.

[ Door opens ]

Is anyone
in here?

Yes, this is
my compartment.

I'm terribly sorry,
but I wonder if I might
just leave

Some of my merchandise
in your compartment.

There doesn't seem
to be room in mine.

Certainly.here,
let me help you.

Thank you.

Thank you.
I certainly appreciate
your help.

If you don't mind,
I'll just sit down
and rest for a moment,

I'm quite
exhausted.

My name,
by the way,
is mr. Ernst.

I'm maxwell
smart.

[ Snores ]

- What is it?
- Shh.

I'm not alone.

And I had to destroy
the first message.
Do you have a copy?

Well, you know, 86,
secret message paper

Doesn't grow
on trees.

All right, 44.
How much?

- $5.00.
- $5.00?

That's
the going price.

Or three
for $10.00.

No, I'll just
take one.

Thanks.

Sorry to disturb you, sir,
but I wondered if you'd like
some dinner.

No thank you.
I just ate.

Perhaps you'd like
to see a menu and
you can order later.

Thank you.

Incidentally, tonight--

Talk about cheap!

- Again?
- Yes.

Incidentally, those secret
messages taste terrible.

What kind of ink
are you using?

You know how much
good ink costs?

Never mind, 44.
Do you have another
copy of the message?

Should have taken
three for 10.

Can't you just
read it to me?

Okay.

And keep
your voice low.

The briefcase
will be picked up

By agent b-12

Who will use
the password
"tanganyika."

- "Tanganyika"?
- "Tanganyika."

- Is that all?
- That's all.

[ door opens ]

Oh, I'm sorry,
I see that monsieur
is still having his dinner.

You can put
my bags up there.

Yes, madame.

I believe this
is a private
compartment.

[ Romanian accent ]
oh, kind sir, is just
for a little while

And there's no
other seat available.

Surely you would
not deny a lady
in distress?

Surely not.
Make yourself
comfortable.

You are a gentleman.
Someday I hope you will
come to romania

And avail yourself
of my hospitality.

Oh, thank you very much.
That would be a pleasure.

I am the countess
rifchevsky.

I am the
maxwell smart.

We're just
entering lichtenstein.
Passports, please.

Madame.

Monsieur.

Okay.

Ah, lichtenstein,
what a lovely
small country.

[ rails squeal ]

We're just
leaving lichtenstein.
Passports, please.

- What took us so long?
- Floods.

Had to evacuate
the country.

Bonjour.

I beg your pardon,
but you're sitting
in my seat.

Oh, pardon.

Ah, I don't believe
you two ladies have met.
This is the countess.

- I'm sorry but I didn't
catch your title.
- Mademoiselle.

You know this word?


Doing here?

Dinner is being served
in the dining car.

Would one of you gentlemen
care to accompany me?

My pleasure, countess.
Come, cyril.

Cyril?

Thank you, sir.

Madame.

Monsieur.

[ Air jets whoosh ]

Will monsieur be
coming down for dinner?


I'm going to find agent b-12

Instead of waiting for him
to find me.

- How will you know him?
- By the code word "tanganyika."

Be careful, max.

[ woman screams ]

Sorry about that.

- Oh, excuse me.
- Come in, mr. Smart.

We finally found
my compartment.

Won't you join us
in a cup of wine,

If you don't mind
paper cups?

Thank you.
I don't mind if I do.

Beaujolais, 1957.

Dixie cup, 1965.
[ Chuckles ]

- Is everything all right?
- Yes, thank you.

You know, the marvelous thing
about traveling

Is all the wonderful people
you meet, like each of you.

I agree with you,
countess.

Uh, have any of you
ever been to africa?

Yes, I've traveled
there extensively.

I spent
three years there.

it's my favorite
continent.

I'd like to ask you
a question

And I want you
to think very carefully
before you answer.

What is your favorite
country in africa?

All:
tanganyika!

That's what
I was afraid of.

It's a new
fad diet.

All the vitamins and none
of the carbohydrates.

[ rails squeal ]

Hang on, it's
dead man's curve.

- Be careful!
- [ Countess screams ]

- Ernst: what's happening?
- Countess: the lights
have gone out.

- Ooh!
- Excuse me.this always
happens on dead man's curve.

And here comes
the other half of it.

- What was that?
- Countess: the lights
have gone out again.

My briefcase!
It's gone.

- Let me take it.
- Mr. Smart, I insist--

- What happened?
- Krochanska made a try
for the briefcase.

- Then you know
who krochanska is.
- I'm almost positive.

- Who, max?
- It's somebody
on this train.

- Yes, but who?
- The countess.

Would you believe it?
That lovely countess.

- I find that
very hard to believe.
- The porter?

- I don't think so.
- The conductor?

- No, huh-uh.
- The engineer.

- How about the dog?
- Max!

It's gotta be one of them, 99.
There's nobody else left.

- [ Door opens ]
- aha!

Just as I thought--
ernst the phony
blind man.

No, mr. Smart.

Ernst the blind
british spy.

Then it was you who put
the message in the cup.

It was really nothing,
old man.

Just spur of the moment
and all that.

It was something to me.
You pulled me out
of a tight spot.

Ah well, all's well
that ends well.

Come in and sit down.
British intelligence
is always welcome.

No thanks.
I ran into a spot of
trouble on the way over.

Seem to have taken one
in the back.

[ Loud gasp ]

Silly of me.

I'm afraid
I'm going to
pack it in, old man.

- I say...
- Hmm?

Who is krochanska?

Don't think I'll
live long enough

To say.

Pity.

Calling krochanska.

Now bring me
the briefcase.

Max, look.

Here, boy.
Bring it over here.

Max, be careful.

don't do anything rash.

a sudden move
may cost you a hand.

The old
spy-in-the-dog-suit trick.

so, mr. Smart.
believe me,

it is a pleasure
to meet you at last.

i have long anticipated the
day when we would match
wits, you and i.

may I introduce myself?

My name is demetrios.

Too bad that our first meeting
will also be our last.

you see it, 99?

a radio receiver
and a microspeaker
in the dog's collar.



- Double agent.
- excellent, mr. Smart.

excellent.

You... More than live up
to my expectations.

And you are quite correct--

This will be
our last meeting.

pellet.

The pellet, krochanska.



We're locked in.
Get your gas mask.

- [ Max coughing ]
- 99: don't breathe.

He had to be
a hat salesman.

you'll note, mr. Smart,
the gas has no effect on dogs.

Humans however are rendered
unconscious within the
first 30 seconds.

Death will occur
within one minute.

you now have 36 seconds
in which to live.

- Max, where's yours?
- [ Coughing ]

Here, max, here.
Try that.

- [ coughing ]
- don't breathe, max.

So much for
courier #5.

Come along, krochanska.

- [ Groans ]
- good work, max.

- Come on, 99.
Let's open the windows.
- Right.

Tickets please.

Monsieur.

- Madame.
- Thank you.

Uh, I'm sorry about
this mess, conductor.

It happens all the time
on the orient express.

If you think this is bad,
you should see compartment 13.

...and then
the austrian police took
demetrios into custody.

- And the dog?
- Remarkable thing
about that dog, chief--

He was trained
as a double agent--

A practiced thief
and a natural k*ller.

- What happened to him?
- He was adopted
by a nice family.

- Lots of kids.
- So all the loose ends
are tied up?

That's right, chief.
All the agents are back
at work and paid.

Good.
We can't let that
happen again.

The security of
the whole western world
depends on our work.

I know, chief.
I was talking to some of their
representatives about it.

Good.
Now about your
next assignment--

On saturday I want you
to fly to bangkok and get
in touch with agent--

Uh, wait a minute, chief.
You realize of course
if we leave on saturday

- That that will be
time and a half.
- What?

Of course when
we get to bangkok,
that's overseas pay.

And then sunday's
double time.

- What are you talking about?
- It's all right here

In the spy guild
union book, chief.

- All you have to do is read it.
- Don't be ridiculous.

I never heard
of anything--

The chief of
overseas operations

Gets three weeks
vacation with pay.

That's not all-- look at this.
He gets his wardrobe also.

[ theme music playing ]

[ theme music playing ]