01x03 - School Days

[bunniefuu]

[ Ringing ]

Hello, chief?
This is agent 86,
maxwell smart.

I'm on the street where
our espionage training school
is located.

I'm about to make
my contacts.

Over and out.

Contacts made with
perfect precision, chief.

I have my identity papers,
my password and my
morning newspaper.

Password is--

"When the moon is full
the tide is high."

I like that.

Incidentally, chief,
I'd like to compliment you
and the security boys.

This place is
a brilliant front.

[ doorbell rings ]

Good morning.

When the moon is full
the tide is high.

You must want
the spy school.
That's next door.

[ theme music playing ]

[ Humming ]

- Good morning.
- Oh, good morning.
My name is loomis.

Ah, yes,
alexander loomis.

Welcome to the
training school,
loomis.

I'm one of your
special instructors.

- Hello, 99.
- How are you, 86?

- Did you find out
anything yet?
- No.

All we know so far
is that someone
in the school

Is a kaos
infiltrator.

I've been here
a whole week

And so far he hasn't
made one mistake.

If we don't find him,
kaos will know
the identity

- Of every agent in
the training school.
- Oh, right.

[ scratching at door ]

I'd know that
scratch anywhere.

What's he
doing here?

He's back for
a refresher course.

Oh. Now listen,
fang--

I'm here as
a new trainee

And I'm going under
the cover name
"loomis."

So try and act
like you don't
know me.

- [ Whimpers ]
- good boy.

We're due in
the training yard
for classes.

Until you're clear
the school's going to be
under maximum security.

- What does that mean?
- You'll see.

- You stay here, morris.
- [ Whimpers ]

Bye, morris.

- Morris?
- That's his cover.

- One of our new trainees?
- Yes, sir.

I'm loomis...
Alexander.

I'm mr. Watson,
dean of the school; and this
is hillary gainsborough

- From control's london section.
- Delighted to meet you, loomis.

As a matter of fact
I'm new here myself.

I'm just in
to give you chaps
instructions

In the new
special weapons.

New, eh?
And british?

What was micky mantle's
batting average in 1961?

I, uh,
I don't know.

Correct, because if
you did know you'd be
american, not british.

A new trainee
can't be too careful.

- Smart.
- No, loomis.

Would you introduce
the new man to our
other trainees?

Yes I will, sir.

It's all right.
He's one of
the new trainees.

[ Blows whistle ]

[ Yells ]

- Hmm, not bad.
- Are you familiar
with karate?

Are you kidding?
Why, karate happens to be
one of my favorite hobbies.

With one perfectly
timed chop of my hand

I can break
eight boards
this thick.

Would you
believe it?
Eight.

I find it very
difficult to believe.

- Would you believe seven?
- I don't think so.

How about a loaf
of bread?

If you'll excuse me,
I must rejoin my class.


Rundown on the rest
of the new trainees.

Okay.their names
are dimitri,

Zukor, and grillak.
They've all been sent here
by our european bureau.

Mm-hmm.i have
a theory that it's
one of these three.

The minute I see them
I'll be able to pick out
the enemy agent.

You're going to get
your chance right away.

They're all right
over there together.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, now let's
test my theory.


that's grillak,
that's dimitri

and that's zukor.

Hillary:
prepare to throw... Throw!

- I have another theory.
- All right, gentlemen,

If you'll all gather
around the table here--

Oh, loomis, would
you join us please?

What I would like
to show you first
of all

Is one of control's
latest weapons.

This is a multipart
a*t*matic machine p*stol

which can be put together
in precisely three seconds.

Now you'll see
that all the parts

Fit very neatly
into this compact
little case.

Well, you'll all
get a chance to work
with that later.

but first of all
let's have a practical
demonstration

Of an entirely new w*apon:

That is, the wristwatch
strangling wire.

Now, we've all gone
into this in theory.

Let's see how
you work with it.

Now grillak
and dimitri, hmm?

And here's one
for you, loomis.

Watch them carefully
because you're going
to be next, hmm?

Ready.

Fine.now then,
zukor and loomis.

[ Twangs ]

What happened,
loomis?

I pulled out
the watch spring.

All right,
let's finish
with the hats.

Now remember,
gentlemen,

That these hats have
a razor-sharp edge.

They can be
a deadly w*apon

When they are
properly handled.

Right.zukor,
you're first.

Let's see you take
the head off the dummy.

Good, zukor.
Now loomis.

And remember, loomis--
nice, easy action.

Yes, just a quick flick
of the wrist and a full
follow-through.

[ glass shatters ]

I've warned you people
long enough!

This time you don't
get the hat back!

One of those
three trainees
is the impostor,

- I'm sure of it.
- But how could an impostor

Have gotten
into the school?

The same way
that I did.

Remember,
I'm not really
alexander loomis.

Oh, you mean that kaos
could have substituted
one of their agents

For the real dimitri,
zukor or grillak.

- Exactly.
- Ah.

Now I have here
the original
control files.

Now if any
of those three
don't match

The school files
in that safe,

We've got
our impostor.

I brought the plastic
impact b*mb you wanted.

Good.
Be careful, 99.

Now this will open
the safe without destroying
control property.

I would have
asked the dean
for the combination

But I would
have had to reveal
my own identity.

Now the b*mb
is perfectly harmless

But the impact
will open anything.

Five, four, three,
two, one-- duck!

It opened everything
but the safe.

- Let me read those
instructions again.
- Max, we'd better hurry.

There's no need to hurry,
miss whatever-your-name-is,

Because you'll
both be spending the rest
of your lives in prison.

Max, you'd better
tell him the truth.

I'm maxwell smart,
agent 86.

That's a likely story.

You can call control
headquarters and the chief
will identify him.

- Does he have to?
- Why, are you afraid I'll
find out that you're lying?

No, I'm afraid you'll
tell him I'm flunking
weapons class.

- Max!
- What is it, 99?

I just heard
running footsteps
in the hall.

- Are you all right?
- I'm a little tired
but I'm okay.

Max!

Look!

- Oh!
- Oh!

- 99, I've got a hunch.
- What is it?

This was no accident.

Hello, smart.

It's all right, smart.
Gainsborough told me about
your true identity

And the attempt
on your life.

Any idea who tried
to k*ll you?

Judging
from the angle
the knives hit,

They had to be thrown
by a left handed man.

That should
narrow it down.

Not necessarily.
All three suspects
are left handed.

What about the files?
Did you find anything
there to help you?

Yes, well, according
to the control files

Any one of the three suspects
could have been the impostor.

Now the control file
on dimitri

Shows that
he speaks a rare
east himalayan dialect,

Yet the school file
makes no mention of it.

Yes, and the control file
on zukor

Shows that he has
an unusual and extremely
distinctive handwriting,

And yet the school file
doesn't even have a example
of zukor's handwriting.

And according
to the control file
on grillak,

He has
a heart-shaped birthmark
on his right knee,

Yet the school file
has no record of it.

So we're gonna
check them all out--

Dimitri's dialect,
zukor's handwriting
and grillak's birthmark.

- [ man screaming ]
- ah, there's grillak
now.

I think I can sneak a look
at his right knee

While I'm softening him up
with a little judo.

Yes, I think I'll
start with grillak.

- Hi-yah!
- Hao!

- Hi-yah!
- Hi-yah!

- Hi-yah!
- Hawh!

Hi-yaaah!

Hi-yah!

So much for grillak.
Now for dimitri.

- There's dimitri.
- Oh, good.

Now you can
check on his rare
east himalayan dialect.

Yes, and I know
exactly how
to do it.

As a matter of fact I heard
a very funny east himalayan
joke the other day.

- I'll tell it to dimitri.
- Okay.

Hi, dimitri.

Uh...

Dimitri, you look
like a fella with
a sense of humor.

Want to hear
a good joke?

- If you wish.
- Yes.

Well, there was
this east himalayan
traveling salesman, see?

And his oxcart broke down
in front of a farmhouse.

he went up and knocked
on the door and the farmer
opened the door.

And the traveling
salesman said,

"Oh oh oh hay
mahu

Savally nah ney."

And the farmer replied,

"Ahka mahka soo soo."

[ max laughing ]

Isn't that a scream?

- He didn't laugh.
- Yes.

- He must be the impostor.
- Maybe he heard the joke
before.

- Oh.
- On the other hand
I may have told it wrong.

All right, gentlemen,
in this class we are
going to practice

Sending secret messages
to our contacts.

Zukor, why don't you
work with loomis here?

Now I'd like you to write
a secret message here--

"Execute blue plan,"
and sign it "zukor."

Zukor, why don't you
write on my back?

It'll be
a lot easier.

[ Softly ]
if his handwriting
doesn't match

The handwriting
in the control room file,

He's our man.

And one for you.

Now let's take our
starting positions.

Ready, and go.

Very good, zukor.

We'll practice
that again tomorrow.

Is it not
proper procedure

For an agent who has
received a message

To memorize
and destroy it?

Um, well...
Yes.

[ Mouthing words ]

We've got him.

An example
of his handwriting
and signature.

Thanks to my
special jacket with
the carbon-paper lining.

- Good work, 86.
- Thank you, 99.

Thank you.

We still have no proof
whether dimitri or zukor
is the real impostor.

Yes, but we haven't
quite finished checking
out that baby yet.

- Grillak?
- Yes, I feel I should
take another crack at him.

Just remember, max--
the real grillak

Has a heart-shaped
birthmark on his
right knee.

Mmm. And if he
doesn't have it,
then he's the impostor.

Right.

Hi-yah!

Yaah!

Ooh!

All right, grillak,
get up.

Well grillak, you had
me fooled for a while,

But the minute i--

Saw my own leg
I knew you were
all right.

[ Clears throat ]

Where's gainsborough?
He was supposed to
meet me here.

Max, I don't
like your plan.
You could be k*lled.

Yes I know, but we've got
to flush that kaos infiltrator
out into the open.

But you're deliberately
setting yourself up
as a target.

You'll be
in extreme danger
every minute.

And loving it.

- There's gainsborough now.
- Oh.



I'll go over there
and speak distinctly

So each of the suspects
won't miss a word
I'm saying.

- Okay.
- Right.

Now, gentlemen,

As you know,
upon occasion

An agent may be
called upon

To read lips
from a distance.

For this, of course,
you use your high-powered
binoculars.

Shall we give that a try?

Oh look, there's loomis
talking to mr. Gainsborough.

See if you can see
what they're saying.

I'd like you
and the dean and
the rest of the trainees

To meet me in my
room in one hour.

That's 5:30.

The dean and I
have a meeting at 5:15
but I'm sure we can make it.

- Now what's this all about?
- Uh, yes, well, I'm going
to reveal the fact

That I am
control agent 86...

...and that
I know the identity

Of the kaos
infiltrator...

...and that I am

Going to name
the impostor.

[ underbrush rustling ]

[ b*llet ricochets ]

- Did you see him?
- No, but he must be
around here somewhere.

- I'll try to
flush him out.
- Right.

I'll open this case
and I'll have this g*n
put together

In three seconds
and I'll be ready for him.

Oh max, if anything
should happen...

Oh!
Ooh!

[ b*ll*ts
ricocheting ]

Hmmm, he must be
out of amm*nit*on.

Now if I can just open
this case, he's had it.

[ g*n handle thumps ]

It's no use.

Did you see
who it was, 99?

No, he knocked
me out too.

Help!

It's no use yelling, 99.
We've been screaming our
heads off for 15 minutes.

It's obvious
no one can hear us.

Help!

Max, how are we
gonna get help?

This dynamite's going
to go off any minute.

- I know.when that flame
hits the fuse we've had it.
- Ohh...

- I know...
- What?

- Fang.
- Agent k-13!

Of course!
He'll hear my signal
no matter where he is.

Oh!

I don't hear anything.

Of course not, 99.
Only dogs can hear that.

- Good boy, fang!
- Look, it's fang!

- Blow out the candles.
- Quick.

- [ Barks ]
- no no, don't yell, fang.

Blow out the candle.
Go on!

- Blow out the candle.
- Blow out the candle, fang.

Come on, fang!
Come on, boy!
Blow out the candle.

Quick, fang, please
blow out the candle.

Oh, it looks hopeless.

Wait a minute.
I've got an idea.

[ Singing birthday song ]

[ Both singing
birthday song ]

[ Blows ]

I don't think he's
going to show up.

Maybe he's tied up
someplace.

Let's give him
a few more minutes.

It's vital to
discover the name
of the kaos infiltrator.

I certainly hope
it is not me.

Well gentlemen, I'm sure
one of you is surprised
to see us here--

The man who tried
to blow us up just


Luckily I've had
my eye on one suspect
from the very beginning.

Zukor, write your name
on that pad.


With the handwriting

Of the real zukor
in the control files.

If it doesn't match,
he's our man.

- They match.
- It matches.

Okay, that brings
us to dimitri.

Now according
to the control files,
dimitri,

You speak a rare
east himalayan dialect.

Yet when I told you
an east himalayan joke,
you didn't laugh.

Well, this is
a joke book--

With every
east himalayan joke.

All six of them.

Now let's see if you
really know the language.

If you don't
you're the impostor.

"An east himalayan bum
walked up to me on
the street one day

And said, 'ahna hoho huni
aha awahi tee hee.'

And I said--"
what's the punch line?

"I said 'yehi taiyo
recahamah.'"

[ Mouthing words ]

[ Chuckles ]

That's very funny, dimitri.

Here's a good one--
"two scotchmen were walking
down the street one day..."

Max...
Grillak.

Oh. That leaves us
with just one suspect:
grillak.

Grillak,
I want to see
your right knee.

The only thing
that can save you

Is if you have
a heart-shaped birthmark
on your right knee.

Aha, just as
I thought--

A heart-shaped
birthmark on
your right knee.

There you have it,
gentlemen,

Another wonderful theory
down the drain.

However I think
I'm entitled to
one free guess.

And my guess
is that it's...

Hillary gainsborough.

Don't be ridiculous, smart.
I know what hillary gainsborough
looks like.

- Haven't you ever heard
of plastic surgery?
- You can't prove that.

And in any case,
for the past 15 minutes

I was with dean watson
at 5:15,

Just the time you say
somebody tried to
blow you up.

Yes, well I checked
that candle that was
supposed to burn down

And set off the dynamite,
and that candle was set
for 5:20,

Which would have
given you a perfect alibi.

And you accuse me
on this flimsy evidence?

No, I have some more
flimsy evidence.

Aha!

Notice, gainsborough,
you caught it with
your left hand.

The first attempt on my life
was made by a left-handed
knife thrower.

Grillak, zukor
and dimitri are
all left handed.

Yes, but they had
no reason to suspect
me then.

You were the only one
who knew that I was
maxwell smart!

All right, smart!
You've outsmarted me.

I-- I confess.

On the other hand,
the dean--

- You what?
- I confess.

Oh.
To what?

Max, he's the impostor!

Oh, yes, of course.

All right, men,
get him out of here.

Marvelous piece
of deduction, smart.

Amazing how you got
hillary to confess.

Yes, and it's a good thing
for you, dean, that I did.

- Why is that?
- Because you and I were
the only suspects left.

And I was fairly
certain about i.

- Me.
- You?

Why, I never suspected
you for a moment, 99.

- No, I didn't
mean in that sense, max.
- She meant "i" and "me."

- You too?
- No no...

You really did
a marvelous job, max.

Thank you, 99.
Go on, fang.
Get in there.

[ Barks ]

I think the chief will be
particularly pleased

Because we captured
the kaos infiltrator.

Uh, I'll drive,
fang, thank you.

Come on.

And best of all, max,
the security of our
espionage school

- Hasn't been violated.
- That's right, 99.

And there's
nothing more important
than security. Nothing.

Why, without security
none of us would be safe.

Excuse me.is this
mrs. Green's house?

No, that's
the spy school.

Mrs. Green's house
is over there.

[ theme music playing ]