01x04 - The Stare-Master

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

[ "Upside Down" by JVKE plays ]

♪ Down south, hood baby,
hood baby ♪

♪ Make all the girls go crazy ♪

♪ Go, go, go stupid ♪

♪ But you smart
like an A-plus student ♪

Seriously, dude, surrounding
your house with treadmills

will not ward off
a zombie apocalypse.

Think about it.

They'd get on and keep
walking...and walking.

Blegh.

It's brilliant.

Mr. Escalante, can you please
weigh in on this?

Go away.

[ Teeth clenched ]
Go, go, go.

Why are you talking like this?
It's weird.

Or...is it fun?

If it's cool, guys, I'm just
kind of chillin', alone.

Oh, my God.

While I was getting my coffee, I
got all the tea on the baristas.

Hot barista told hotter barista
that his lattes were all foam.

It is tense in there.

Can you guys just please leave?
I'm on a date.

Ah. The midweek
morning date.

The sexiest date
of them all.

Oh.
Yeah, no.

I see a-a-a date.

Hey.
Nice to meet you.

I really like your shoes,

but I can't see them
'cause you're pretend.

Everyone, uh,
this is my, uh,

very real,
visible human person,

and these are people
who are leaving right now.

Oh, wow.
More of your students.

I can see
why you'd think that,

because I'm so youthful and fun
and current.

I'm Alicia Gomez.
I work with Elliot.

I'm Bethany Fitzgerald.

Ohh. Ohh.

Do not Google her.
That is so tacky.

It's too late.
Oh. Damn!

I see you played
Division I soccer.

Ooh. You must be really tired
of being a bridesmaid.

Girl, your brother is a snack.
Is he single?

You seem busy.

I'm gonna go.

Can I walk you out?

I'm actually parked
right out front.

Oh, cool.

Um, you guys, I'm just gonna,
uh, give Bethany --

And...she's gone.

Dude, you were on a date?
You should've told us to go.

♪♪

Okay.

For fun, let's do rapid fire
till the bell rings.

Team captain, pick a topic.

Less depressing.

Attagirl.

Okay. Uh, con --
Putting fruit on it

is like those people
who think ketchup is spicy.

What the hell is wrong
with your taste buds?

Pro -- It's the equivalent
of culinary free speech.

Are you saying
you're not for free speech?

[ Bell chimes ]

I've got nothing.
I just like hitting the timer.

[ Bell chimes ]

[ Bell ringing ]

Get out of here.

Do you think
anyone's noticed

that most of my debate topics
are about food or death?

What else is there
to talk about?

We're still on
for studying tonight, right?

Totally.

[ Bell chimes ]

♪ My name
is Elder Price ♪

♪ And I would like to share
with you the most amazing book ♪

[ Bell chimes ]

♪ My name is Elder Gra-- ♪

See a show, guys.
Come on. Culture yourselves.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Oh.
Hey, Makayla.

I just got a new map
on "Among Us."

You want to try it out?

I love m*rder video games.

Your brain's pretty dark.

Sorry.
Was I being too honest?

No. It was a compliment.
I'm glad you're coming.

Robyn said there was no point
in inviting you

because you're always
"stupid busy."

You know, you have
great recollection

for things
you shouldn't be sharing.

I do.

Oh, wait. I can't.
I'm gonna be studying with Luke.

That sounds like a blast.

But, y-you know,
the opposite.

You know what?

We can make this work.

Can you do a little earlier?

Sure. How about, um...

...4:00?

You just sent me
a calendar invite for 4:00.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Oh, and the dress code
is smart casual.

Plan hard, party hard.

♪♪

Excuse me, guys.

Just got to get through
to the old locker.

Okay.
We're not listening, huh?

Your older brother is hotter,

natural deodorant isn't working
for you,

and, oh, look --
It's the world's worst boy band.

What, you're just standing
by yourself

insulting random people?

Yeah.

They're blocking
my locker.

Maybe you could say
something.

Oh.
Words aren't necessary.

That stare only works
'cause you're the principal.

I've had the gift since I was
a little, little girl.

You've heard of
resting bitch face?

I have active bitch face.

You want to see a trick?

I'm not too sure.

Oh, I wasn't asking.

See Mr. Escalante?

I'm gonna hit him
from 20 yards down.

[ Shoe squeaks ]

Oh, you're fine.
Keep it movin'.

Great catching up!

Mm-hmm.

Teach me. Make this
my villain origin story.

If you flatter me,
I'll consider it.

I like the way your black shirt
matches your black eyes.

You're gonna have to
do better.

You are as elegant
as you are terrifying.

I'm listening.

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations,
birds chirping ]

Uh, this can't be good.

We want to apologize
for earlier.

You are forgiven.
Ta-da! See you tomorrow.

Dude, it's not even 11:00.

[ Sighs ]
Worth a sh*t. Okay.

Uh, look, don't worry about it.
Bethany wasn't the one.

Want some advice?

I don't.
You gonna give it anyway?

We are.

No one dates anymore.

First you got to get up
to at least 100

or 200 Snapstreaks.

Then you can ask her
to hang.

Hangs lead to thangs.
Thangs lead to situationships.

And then, maybe,
if you're lucky, by senior year,

you get to post a pic online
together.

Mm-hmm.
I understood like six words.

He's never gonna get into
a thang.

Where are you even finding
these girls?

Let me see your app.

Okay. But I'm warning you --
Do not fall in love with me.

Okay.

Oh! Okay.

So you're a sleepwalker

and you have never tried
spicy mustard,

and you went to Comic-Con
to meet Turtle from "Entourage."

He's so nice.

You know what's super cool
about telling women all of this?

What?

This is girl repellant.

Who would respond
to all this oversharing?

Well, so far, Bethany

and a few older women
who need American citizenship.

Right. So the only way
to fix this is to burn it down,

start anew.

Or you could do nothing
and let me live my life.

Oh, you're so funny.

I'm gonna put that
in the profile.

[ "Doom Doom Ta"
by TRI.BE plays ]

♪ Doom, doom, ta,
doom-doom, ta-ta ♪

[ Laughter ]

♪ Doom, doom, ta,
doom, doom, ta ♪

♪ Doom, doom, ta,
doom-doom, ta-ta ♪

I love that song.

I know face masks were created

to uphold unrealistic
beauty standards.

But this lime-avocado mask
smells so delicious.

Hey, real talk.

I could not remember
which bowls I put the masks in.

We could just be wearing
guacamole.

That explains the cilantro
in my ear.

Oh, sh**t.

I'm gonna be late to study
with Luke.

No, no, no, no, no.
You cannot leave just yet.

Please, just stay
for one more dance.

Hey, we're trending up
right now.

I will play that ridiculously
amazing song again.

Let's do it.

♪ Doom, doom, ta,
doom, doom, ta ♪

♪ Doom, doom, ta,
doom-doom, ta-ta ♪

It's iffy.
You know how it go--

Sorry. Yeah.
My friend finally arrived.

Mm-hmm.
She's super late.

[ Exhales sharply ] I agree.
She should've called.

Luke --

I'm trying to make you feel bad
with this fake phone call.

Yeah,
I'm gonna hit you back.

Hmm?
Yeah. Sushi sounds great.

I mean, you know
that I'll be on time.

I'm...
I'm sorry I'm late.

It's just...My mom ran into
a ton of traffic.

Huh.
That's weird.

You must be talking about
Web traffic,

because, um...
let me just show you exhibit A!

Ooh, 324 likes.

Look, it was fun,

and I don't get to do that often
with the girls.

So you're "the girls" now, huh?
Yeah?

If that ends with a "Z,"

I'm gonna throw myself
out the window.

We're on the first floor.
You'll be fine.

We have a world history test
tomorrow.

This studying
could be the difference

between passing
and failing.

And if I fail,
I'm gonna have to go to some --

some rinky-dink party school
like Cornell.

And then it is goodbye,
Goldman Sachs,

hello,
Deloitte and Touche,

making low six figures,
barely any stock options.

And it'd all be on you.

Fine.

Are we gonna study
or what?

Fine.

Cool.

'Cause God forbid
you don't have a vacation home

when you grow up.

I know you're kidding,
but that gave me the chills.

♪ Up down, right down ♪

♪ Looking for your love
right now ♪

All righty.

I'm ready to learn
from the Stare-Master.

Are you sure you want to take
the red pill?

Because once I teach you,
you can never go back.

Take me to the dark side
and leave me there.

I need to know your intentions
with this power.

I want respect
and a sense of presence

and to be able to make people
who deserve it

feel small
and inadequate.

Works for me.

Okay.
Here's the secret, kid.

Close your eyes.

Imagine something
that brings you pure joy.

Ben Platt becoming
a mainstream star.

I like him.

No.
No one knows who that is.

Liar.
His vibrato is effortless.

Good.
Get furious.

Channel all that anger
and outrage into your eyes.

Oh, I don't know what that is,
but I know it's wrong.

I'm actually
a pretty happy person.

Why?

Close your eyes.

Overalls aren't
a fashion choice.

They're for farmers.

You go to hell, lady.

Yes!
Use it.

Thank you.

Don't thank me.
Go abuse your power.

Kids are fun.

♪♪

[ Clattering ]

What are you doing?

We're supposed to be studying
in the library.

I can't.

I mean,
I-I know I said I would,

but then I thought working out
would be more fun,

so I decided to not tell you
and come do this instead.

Great.

Because thanks to you,

I was totally unprepared and
bombed our world history test.

I felt like the Germans

when the British led
a surprise t*nk att*ck

in Cambrai
in December of 1917.

Actually, it was November.

Well, I would've known that
if you hadn't ditched me

to put guacamole dip
on your face.

So from now on,

I'm gonna be studying with
the only guy who really gets me.

Me -- Luke --
A.K.A. Carol's special boy.

Goodbye, Makayla.

You realize these things don't
actually go anywhere, right?

Okay.
Whatever.

I'm still w-walking away.

Fine.
I'll come join you.

[ Treadmills beeping ]

I'm getting ahead
of you.

Oh.
Looks like I'm catching up.

Well, I'm
picking it up more.

Ooh. You're like a speck
in the distance!

Okay. Well, you know what?
You're like -- You're like a --

Whoa!

Whoa. Whoa.

Are you okay?

No.
Just leave me alone, okay?

I know you blame me
for getting a bad grade, but --

There was no bad grade.

In fact, I answered
the extra credit and got 105.

Seriously?

What do you expect?
I'm Luke.

I'm Carol's special boy.

So you have been guilting me
this whole time for nothing?

W-What the hell
is this about?

If you have to ask,
you're never gonna know.

Ow.
Ow.

[ Door closes ]

Hey, could you set up
the treadmill for me?

No, Miles.
Do it yourself.

What speed do you want?

♪♪

...and that's why
it's unfathomable

that anyone could argue
plastic straws are better.

Solid point.

Too bad the topic was
the North Korean m*ssile crisis.

Yeah.
I haven't studied that yet.

Hey. Sorry to interrupt
your study sesh.

No, no, no. Don't worry about
it. We were all leaving anyway.

Hold on. You guys have been here
for like five minutes.

It was worth a sh*t.

Okay.
So, I kind of have to thank you.

Your revamped profile helped me
land a date tonight.

Ooh!
She is out of your league!

Uncool.
But I know, right?

Okay, remember that the reason
the profile worked

is 'cause I left
a little mystery.

So don't go undoing that by
oversharing on your first date.

Please.
I do not overshare.

Really?
Anyone want to get in on this?

Your favorite movie
is "Hope Floats."

Your favorite day
is Thursday

'cause you get to call it
"Friday Junior."

You get nosebleeds
when you take too much Advil.

More common than you think.

Okay. Well, being an open book
is kind of my thing.

A-And besides, it's good
to be honest about who you are.

Yeah. It's also good to floss
every day, but nobody does that.

Whoa. What?!

That is nasty.

This is actually
a great debate topic --

whether to be completely
transparent on the first date...

...or make a great
fake version of yourself

so that the person
gets so sucked in

they don't run away screaming
when they meet the real you.

Guys, there's no way
Mr. Escalante

wants me to debate him
about that.

Pro...

...women love transparency
and they hate playing games.

Con --
Women say those things,

but they don't actually
mean them.

[ Bell chimes ]

I'm really sorry
to hear that.

But withholding information
is how you end up

in a five-year relationship
with a woman

who expects you to give daily
insulin injections to her cat

but never once tries to get
along with your sweet mother.

That feels
very specific.

Con -- When you're trying to
sell a house,

you don't scare off
potential home buyers

by showing them all the crap
in your attic.

Pro -- Is the crap in my attic
all my psychological baggage?

And, yes, I know I'm losing!

Look, Elliot, you are
trying to be a fixer-upper

when you should be
an empty lot.

She wants to find a listing
that she thinks she can afford,

and then you just let her build
her dream house.

Someone's been watching
a lot of "Property Brothers."

No woman
should be able to answer

your password security questions
before you've even met.

No woman?

Yeah, but --

What if they --

Debate over.

Do I even want to know
the final score?

You do not.

♪ Baby, you're the queen
of hearts ♪

♪ You know how to play
your cards ♪

♪ You keep 'em facedown ♪

This has been
the worst day.

Guys, this has been
the best day.

Wait. Shouldn't you be studying
with Makayla?

Or, like I like to call
you guys, Makluke.

Oh, no.
Actually, it's Lukayla.

Oh, my God.
That's so much better.

Well, now it's just Luke.

Oh, that sounds like
none of my business.

Spill it, bud.
What happened?

Well, she was late
to our study session.

Let me guess.
And then she didn't apologize?

No, she totally did.

I knew it.
What?

And then she showed up early
to our next study session,

and I, uh, forced her
into a treadmill w*r.

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

I don't know
what that means.

I don't want to talk about it,
okay?

I see.

So you want to be
a typical guy

who doesn't want to seem
vulnerable,

so you're gonna shove all your
feelings inside

and just be really mean
to everyone?

Yes!
S-She totally gets it.

Luke, take it from somebody that
knows a lot of dudes like that.

Girls like guys
that are open books.

I know I would k*ll for that.

Oh, sh**t!

That's exactly the opposite
of what you told Mr. Escalante.

[ Exhales sharply ]
I got to go.

♪♪

Hey.

I brought over a box of study
supplies you left at my house --

and, weirdly,
your photo of d*ck Cheney.

Oh. No.
That's my grandma.

Oh.

Thanks for coming by.

Uh, hold on. My phone's buzzing.
Bzz. Bzz.

I got to take this.

Um, yeah.
Yeah, she's here.

No, I haven't told her
I feel really bad

about how I behaved.

You're being
a typical guy!

I've had enough of this bit,
okay?

I got to go, man.
She's all mad.

What's really going on?

I don't know.

I-I-I guess I was
just a little jealous

that you ditched me
for the girlz-z-z.

I was just looking
to have

a little bit of fun
with my friends.

I know our moms
always make us study together,

but I guess I just thought
we were friends, you know?

We are.

Cool.

Great.

Why did you t*rture me

instead of just telling me
your feelings were hurt?

Hi. I'm Luke.
I thought we'd met?

♪♪

Hey.

I need to tell you something
before your date arrives.

Oh, actually, she --

which is surprising,
because people always say

that I have my act together
when it comes to relationships.

And do these people live
in your head?

Some of them.

Look,
being open is amazing.

And the girl
who's right for you

should know every odd
and wonderful thing about you,

like how you like
to finger dance competitively

and how you kind of still
believe in the Tooth Fairy.

I'm just saying --
I live alone,

and I still sometimes find money
under my pillow.

So...

Okay.
You can go now.

No. It's important because it's
part of the puzzle that is you.

Like how you want to have
a Harry Potter-themed wedding.

Yeah. The tables will be decided
by the Sorting Hat.

Okay, chatty Kathy. We're having
a private conversation.

Alicia...meet my date.

Oh, my God.

I'm in your seat!

Uh, my butt made it warm.

That made it weird.
Okay.

I'm gonna go.
You guys have fun.

And, wow, you are so hot.

Wait. Hold on. You know about
his, like, weird stuff?

Yeah. I thought it was really
refreshing that he was so open.

[ Laughs ]
I'm Jess.

Well, if we're being honest, I
actually made Elliot's profile,

so you're kind of my date.

I love that your motto
is "rosé all day"

and that you are
low maintenance.

'Cause so am I, girl.

She's not.
Like, at all.

Wait.
You catfished me?

No! No, no, no.
No, no. No.

She kind of just h*jacked
my profile

and I was too scared
to take it back,

and then the kids at school
were giving me advice --

I'm blowing it?!

No.
Did you just hear yourself?

[ Both speaking Spanish ]

"Mi date," "my date."
No --

Hey! Come on. Focus --

♪♪

Wow.
She got out of here fast.

[ Exhales sharply ]
Dodged that b*llet. Am I right?

Sorry.

Will you please forgive me?

Always.
All right. Come on.

Someone's got to help me eat
these damn table fries.

Oh, oh, oh. Wait.
What about that waitress?

You know, I think I'm gonna find
future Mrs. Escalante on my own.

Got it. Yep.
I'm out.

Will you let me believe
my own lie for like one second?

My bad.
[ Laughs ]

Oh, also, I need you to say
that I give good advice.

[ Groans ] Okay!
Okay. All right.

You sometimes...

...give good --

No. I can't do it.
Couldn't get there.

Geez.

You are gonna find that girl
someday.

Well, fry cheers
to that.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, I was promised dinner
and a show.

So...let's see some competitive
finger dancing?

No.
You don't want to see that.

No, I do not.

But this is the only time
I'll do it, so...

Five, six, seven, eight.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

Oh! Break dance!

♪♪

[ Bell ringing ]

Hey!
What's up, man?

I-I haven't seen you
in the last couple days.

What have you been up to?

You know, just...
learnin' somethin'.

Check this out.

Um, wow.
You learned the Maris Stare?!

Yeah.
There's darkness in me.

NBD.

Congratulations.

So, what have you
been up to?

Oh, nothing much.

I got into, like, a thing
with Makayla,

and Ms. Gomez told me
to be honest about my feelings.

Oh.
Did you listen to her?

I did for a sec,
but I think I'm done.

Thank God.

Hey!

That was the second bell.
Get to class.

I-I love class.

I'm just gonna stand
and...

enjoy the hallway air
for a second.

Are ya?

That's really cute.

But you have your stare
turned up to full volume.

I haven't even touched my dial
yet.

But you know what?

I can blast it on full power
if you like.

It's...your...call.

No. Yeah.
You were totally right.

That was second bell.
I'm gonna go.

Smart kid.

♪ Up down, right down ♪

♪ Looking for your love
right now ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ Up down, all around ♪

♪ Turn my stomach upside down ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ Down south, hood baby ♪

♪ Hood baby ♪

♪ Make all the girls go crazy ♪

♪ Go, go, go stupid ♪

♪ But you smart
like an A-plus student ♪

♪ Up down, right down ♪

♪ Looking for your love
right now ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ Up down, all around ♪

♪ Turn my stomach upside down ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪