04x44 - Ben-Centennial

[bunniefuu]

How many bowls...
How many is enough?

Just give me a hint,
round it off.

Dad, it's not like that,
you can't count.

I add a little milk,
I add a little cereal.

I add a little milk.

Ben, stop, just stop,
be strong for both of us.

Well, dad, the ratio
is not right here.

I mean, it has to be perfect.

How could you possibly
lead a normal...

Hope to lead a normal life

if you have seven bowls
of cereal?

Well, my metabolism
is different than...

- Than people?
- Yes.

I don't know,
it just doesn't sound...

You know, the last time
you had your blood checked...

- Yeah?
- It was crunchy.

That's not a good sign.

Dad, I don't want anything...

I don't wanna do anything
special for the birthday,

if you don't mind.

What do you mean?
Why not?

Well, I'm just not thrilled
about this one.

You know, 25.

I'm surprised to hear
you say that, Ben.

Do you feel like that's old?

Well, yeah, I mean...

We don't have
to have a big party,

but I would like to celebrate
in whatever way you see...

I don't particularly
like birthdays.

You know that, dad.

It signifies getting older,
and, you know, 25 is...

Ben, from the second
you're born,

you start dying, you know?

Pass the salt, please.

Like I said, I wanna insist,
no parties.

Your call, I'm not gonna
force a party on you.

Very cursory mention
of the birthday itself,

like maybe one "Happy birthday"

in the morning and that's it
and then don't even look at me.

I'd love to get you
the best present you ever had.

Just gotta give me a hint.

I have no idea
what that would be for you.

No, I don't know.

You have... I mean, I can't
tell you what I want.

I don't like when people,

like, tell people
what they want for gifts.

The gift is really for
the giver, you know?

I mean, what makes you
feel better?

If you think you've got
a good gift for somebody,

it makes you happy,
and that's what counts.

And the last eight birthdays

you've given me sucky gifts.

Hey, Laura, what you got there?

Look, it's a little bird.

A baby.

- Did he fall out of his nest?
- I guess so.

I found him in front
of the building.

Hi, little guy.

I was afraid
he was gonna get stepped on,

so I brought it upstairs.

I put it in this box
and I'm feeding it, see?

Aren't you afraid?

Afraid of what?

I don't know, it's wild,
it's a bird.

What's it gonna do?

That's the part that scares me.

We don't know this.

Dr. Katz,
I could crush it

between my thumb
and my forefinger.

Okay, but just...
I don't wanna look.

Just do it and get it over with.

Hi... hi, we're
the Smothers brothers

to see Dr. Katz.

- Let me ask you a question.
- What?

When we go in,

are you gonna get
the couch this time

and I get the floor?

Tom, you prefer the floor.

I don't prefer the floor.

It's better orthopedically
for you.

Last time I was on the floor,
you had the couch,

and the time before.

Shh!

You're a very charming woman.

Thank you very much.

Shh!

What about your impotence?
You gonna talk about that?

- My what?
- Your impotence?

What do you mean by that?

The way you talk back
to everybody.

That's impudence!
Not impotence.

Oh, impudence...
You gonna talk about that?

I didn't choose you
as a brother.

- Yes, you did.
- I did not.

I don't believe
in that mystical stuff...

"You choose your mother,
you choose your father,

you choose your brother."

You just happened
to be there already.

Well, I asked mom for a bicycle,

and she said, "Nope, you're
gonna get a brother."

Yes, that's true.

Anyway, I used to ride you
around like a bicycle.

Um, boys...

You did not ride me around.
You have no memory.

Mom liked you, she loved you.

She practiced on you,
you're the eldest child.

I don't wanna talk to you.

'Cause mom didn't like me,
'cause I was born first.

And dad turned around
and said...

He said to mom,
when I was born, he said...

He came in crying.

He says,
"I went and saw my baby,

and he's deformed."

Well, you know, I have some
thoughts on the subject.

I know, that's true.

He thought you were
the ugliest baby

he'd ever seen,

but, see, that was his first
experience with children.

Why are you laughing?
This isn't funny.

I think it is.

I think you take it
all too seriously.

I'll just hold 'em for later,
I guess.

- This is serious.
- What's serious about it?

Well, did you tell him that I
didn't get a pet and you did?

- You got a pet.
- I didn't get a pet.

- You had a dog.
- I had a dog.

- I didn't...
- Just a second!

You had a dog,
mom gave you a dog.

And everybody said,
"Tom doesn't get a dog."

You didn't need a dog.

- I wanted a pet.
- You got a pet.

I didn't get a pet.

- Well, what do you call it?
- A crummy chicken.

It's no fun playing
with a chicken.

A 40-pound chicken,
it was a big chicken.

I don't care, you had a dog.

It k*lled my dog.

You know, sometimes when
a boy says he wants a dog,

what he really wants is a hug...

Or a dog.

I'm sorry, I was just thinking
out loud.

I mean, I was talking out loud.

I was thinking to myself before.

Feel free to continue to argue.

Just... I wanted to talk
about the celebration.

Which celebration?

About your birthday celebration.

Dad, I already told you

I don't wanna make
a big deal out of it.

Well, not a big deal,

but I thought maybe we'd
go get some Chinese food.

- What do you mean "We"?
- "We"?

Not "We"!

I mean I thought maybe I'd
go get some Chinese food.

There you go.

And if you wanna tag along
for your birthday party...

Well, there's nothing wrong
with bringing some back.

How about that?

No, I thought that would be fun.

We'd go to the Lucky Dragon...

Yeah, not so lucky,
the last time I went there.

Well, that's because you had
too much of everything.

I know.

I just think it's bad
that you can order more

than one pig's worth of ribs.

So what do you say?
Should I make reservations?

You know, dad, I do have sort of

an important announcement,
though.

Okay, let me hang up.

No, no, what is
your announcement?

This morning,
after I ate breakfast,

I made an oath to myself
after you left

that I would not eat
any more cereal.

Good for you, that's great,
I'm proud of you.

I'm giving it up.

I mean, I'm 25 years old, dad.

I can't sit here
for the rest of my life

in a house that's
poorly decorated

and eat cereal.

What are you eating there?

What's that?

What are you having?
It sounds delicious.

Cereal.

What about your oath?

Well, [bleep] the oath.

Who cares?

Just a note to myself,
k*ll the bird.

Dr. Katz, look!

- This is not...
- She's doing so well.

Look at her, she's so strong.

You see, this is not
working out for me, Laura,

because, you know, this is
a place of business,

and my patients
can hear the bird.

Since when has the sound
of birds chirping

been a bad thing
for depressed people?

No, it's not specifically
that sound.

It's just distracting.

Well, Dr. Katz, this is
an emergency situation.

The rules change
in an emergency.

Look, I understand.

I'm just afraid that
he might be distracting you

from your job a little bit.

He is, but that's
not the only reason

I want it here.

That's very funny, Laura.

No, seriously, Dr. Katz,
I am doing my job.

Look, Laura, I like the bird
as much as you do.

I just can't do my job
under these circumstances.

Not fair to ask.

It's not fair to me.

It's not fair to the patients.

It's not fair to the bird.

Well, it's kind of fair
to the bird.

Okay, it's not fair to me,
it's not fair to my patients.

It's fair to the bird.

You have a lot of problems,
don't you?

I can see it in your eyes.

- Sybil.
- Cheep!

Squeaky from!

Laura, can you send
Sam Brown in now?

You're lucky.

I didn't get a lot of
approval growing up.

- You didn't?
- I didn't.

That's okay.

I used to come running home
from school.

"Grandma, grandma,
I got an A!"

"Is an A gonna clean
your room for you?

Is an A gonna bring back
my dead brother Morty?

Is an A gonna find a husband

for your sister, the cyclops?

Huh?"

Well, I had a little bit
of a drug problem

when I was younger.

I gave myself away
one Thanksgiving.

My mom was like,

"Sam, what part of the turkey
would you like?"

I was like,
"Uh... the forehead?"

She thought it was, like,

a phase I was going through,
you know?

"It's just a phase.

Lots of kids his age
collect zip-loc baggies!"

Yeah.

God bless her, she's the best.

But she is oblivious.

I swear to god,
you could hit her

in the back of the head
with a snow shovel,

and she'd be like, "There's
somebody at the doorbell."

"Ha-ha-ha!

Grilled cheese sandwich?

Ha-ha-ha!"

Hello?

Hi, Ben.

- Laura? Um...
- Yeah.

Hi, Laura, it's Ben.

- I know.
- I, uh...

I don't remember
why I called you.

You didn't, I called you.

Oh yeah, that's so weird.

Man, I was trying to remember
what I wanted to say to you,

but then I...
I must be asleep.

Ben, I need you to do me favor.

Could you just
listen to me, please?

Why don't you call
back when I get up?

Ben!

Do I have any pants on
in this dream?

I'm sorry,
this is odd, you called.

Ben, why don't we hang up
and you call me right back?

That would be more comfortable.

Okay, bye.

Dr. Katz's office.

Hey, it's Ben.

Ben, hi.

Jeez, I feel much better.

Listen. It's like I'm
standing on solid ground.

Listen, Ben, I...

Not out there in the middle
of that weird ocean

we were just in.

- Listen, Ben...
- Treading water.

I have a favor to ask you.

- You have a favor to ask me?
- Yes.

Call me back. Never mind,
I'll find someone else.

No, no, what, what is it?

No, I'll get someone else,
never mind.

- No, did my dad forget something?
- No, no.

Do I need to come by the office?

'Cause I got time.

- I need some help.
- You do?

- Yes.
- What kind of help?

Well, I have this baby bird
that I found.

First of all, slow down,
take one word at a time.

It's just Ben here.

- Have you been to a bullfight?
- No.

That bull has no chance.

There's no bravery
going on at all.

They shove, like, a 4-foot
tomato stake in its head,

some toothpicks,

they slap it around a little bit

while the crowd goes, "Ole."

And that's how I felt
as a little boy.

- Hmm?
- Hmm.

- Hmm?
- Hmm.

I bet that's what you were
thinking, doctor, wasn't it?

You're trying to think,
"Does he feel like the bull?

Maybe he's a bull.

He's sort of a short,
thick, little man."

Isn't that what you were
thinking, doctor?

With your little pen
and your little school?

Just because you went
to Harvard or Columbia

or some Ivy league school,

it doesn't mean that
I'm the bull, all right?

Staten Island community college

at night.

And you're the bull.

Why am I the bull?

Why not sympathize
with the bull?

It's perfectly natural.

Because he never wins,
the bull has no chance.

Well, you know, a lot of
these fights are fixed.

Very often the bull
is taking a dive.

You're a very weird man,
Dr. Katz.

Stop thinking I'm the bull.

I'm not saying
you're the bull, Sam.

All I can do is try to help you

be the best bull you can be.

Okay, so what I need
for you to do

is take the bird during the day

when I'm in the office.
- Right.

And then once
the workday's over,

I need you to bring it
back to me

so I can take it home.

And I need you to do that
for me all week.

Huh, you know, it's an honor
just to be asked.

Ben, will you do it?

Not so much an honor
to actually do it.

It's just that I
don't think I can handle...

Ben, this little bird needs you.

You know what?
That didn't convince me.

- I mean, I teared up...
- Ben!

The thing is, Laura,
I'm the type of guy

who can't be seen
with a little bird.

I got a reputation
in my building.

I mean, when I go out,

the super says,
"How you doing?"

He knows who I am,
I know who he is.

If I was walking around
with a little baby bird...

I mean, do I have to do
anything for it?

Well, you have to
make sure it's warm enough

and you have to feed it
constantly.

I would really
appreciate it, Ben.

I do really appreciate it.

I've been in this situation
before with a goldfish,

and I fed it until it exploded.

Yeah, well,
that's not good, but...

So I don't know how to,
like, limit the feeding.

I wouldn't know how to deal
with a baby creature.

They're very sensitive

and maybe that's something
you should handle.

Why don't you bring it home?

Well, then, I don't think

you're the right person
to do it.

You obviously can't handle it.

Well, don't think I won't do it.

I'll do it.

I'm just telling you
it's gonna explode.

It's scary in there.

They call it
"Off-track betting"

'cause they wanna keep
these people off the track.

I think the horses
should sit around

and watch the people race.

"Here comes Methadone Sal
on the outside,

followed by
Urine-encrusted Raincoat

and Ben the Crappy Father.

Here comes Ben
the Crappy Father

"and Urine-encrusted Raincoat
and Part-time Whore!

"Part-time Whore and
Mama's Little Disappointment.

And here comes
Scotch for Breakfast

and Lithium Lou!

Part-time Whore
and Piggy-bank Thief!

And Michael Flatley,
the Lord of the Dance.

Part-time Whore!

Urine-encrusted Raincoat!

I'm having an aneurysm.
Blah-blah-blah!

- I love to hear myself talk!
- Sam...

Eeeeh!"

I love to hear me!

Me, me, me!

Please, my head's on fire!

Part-time Whore!
Urine-encrusted Raincoat!

Wa-wa-wa!

- Hey, Sam!
- I don't feel so good!

So you're saying use
the dropper for the bird

but don't then use it myself?

- Right.
- Okay.

Ben, why...

I've never heard you
speak so slowly

in your entire life.

Hey, dad.

Can you just summarize your
points and get out of here?

Well, I just...

Because I know that Laura
has thanked you,

but have I thanked you
for doing this, by the way?

I don't need your thanks, dad.

No, you're doing me
an enormous favor

by getting... by continuing
the healing process

out of the office.

Okay, Ben, don't...

You can't hold him out of
the heat lamp that long.

Come on.

Hey, you two, stop yelling
at me, all right?

I'm gonna do this.

Ben, just please be careful.

- Please.
- Enough said.

Look, am I holding
it right, the box?

No.

Okay, I'm sorry
to rush this thing along,

but I'm developing
kind of a twitch.

Just go, hurry, keep it warm.
Wait a minute...

This isn't really happening.

What's that?
"In the ravine?

We've gotta save the girl?"

Dad, did you hear?

We've gotta go save the girl
in the ravine.

- Dad?
- Mama.

He's gone crazy.

I remember when dad
used to take me out

for walks in the park.

Yes, I know.

And I would be holding his hand.

'Cause mom never took me
for walks.

Dad never took my brother...

Never took you
for walks, either.

- Oh, he did too.
- He did not.

You didn't walk
until you were nine.

- Hey, guys.
- Okay.

Doctor, he'd hold my hand
and we'd walk around the park,

and everybody would say,
"There goes Gort Smothers

and his little son, Tommy.

Hi, Tommy."

- I'd feel so proud...
- They said what?

What did they say?

They'd always say, "There's
little Tommy Smothers"

and his father, Gort.

What a nice-looking boy..."

Dad's name was Mort.

Our dad's name was Mort?

I think, doctor, that just
tells you where it's at.

If he doesn't even know
his father

from Mort from Gort,
how does he know...

You're just taking it
out of context again.

Could you explain that?

How come you're always laughing?

You think everything's
funny here.

This is serious.

I don't always laugh,
there's moments of mirth.

Life is such a comedy, Tom.

I think being with you

is one of the most
comedic experiences

I've ever experienced.

Thank you, thank you very much.

It's not a compliment.

It sounded like a compliment.

It wasn't a compliment.

What'd you say?

I said being with you

is one of the most
comedic experiences

I've ever experienced, I guess.

- Well, thank you.
- That's not a compliment!

Well, you said it
was a great experience.

I know I did, but you have
to understand the irony

with which that was spoken.

See, the problem is
you take things literally.

You have to interpret
the nuance.

See, nuances and
you are not friends.

Thank you very much.

That's not a compliment!

Hello?

Hi, Ben.

Dad, quiet down,
the bird's sleeping.

Oh, wait a minute,
you don't have to.

I have to be quiet,
it can't hear you.

Hey, Ben, got an idea:

Same holiday, same celebration,

but different venue.

Your 25th birthday,
I'm talking about.

You wanna do it live?

I wanna go to a movie with you.

- Dad, I...
- What do you think?

You're moving too fast.

Well, we always have fun
at the movies.

- I gotta be honest.
- Yeah.

The bird is just great.

I mean, it's totally
responding to me.

Yeah, so I'm
taking that as a "Yes"

that you wanna go to the movies.

I'm sorry...
I forgot about the movies.

It's just that I'm trying to
concentrate on the bird here.

I understand that,

but you're gonna be


Yes, and I have a life
to support here.

It's like tomorrow,

I'm gonna have to be
dealing with the bird.

So I might not have time
to go to the movies.

I'm talking about after
you return the bird to Laura.

Well, you know, I'm thinking
about keeping the bird.

Have you talked to
Laura about that?

No.

It's mine, she gave it.

No, she asked you
to take care of it.

Well, that was kind of like
an invitation to keep it.

I don't think that was
her understanding at all.

Well, you know what?

It's my birthday,
I'm keeping the bird.

Ben, being 25 doesn't mean
being aggressive and unkind.

Maybe this one is a little too,

you know... too much.

It seems like a big deal, 25,

but I think you're
being a little...

Don't you get upset
on your birthday?

How old are you now?

I'm 49.

- You're almost 50.
- That's right.

You're double my age.

I never understood why,
when you're 25 and I'm 50,

I'll be twice as old as you,

but when you're 26...
- Yeah.

I won't be twice
as old as you anymore.

Hey, dad, I got a 300
on my SATs in math.

I'm in no position
to answer that.

It's hard to explain
to someone his age

that 25 is nothing.

He's still a kid, you know?

Oh, he's a baby.

Well, he's not really
that much of a baby.

No, 25, you don't know nothing.

You don't know what love is.

You don't know what marriage is.

You don't know what
most drinks are.

Sam, we have so many layers
to get through here.

You know,
I don't know where to begin.

Why don't we get, like,
a triple session?

We'll go back to back to back.

It'll be like the "Jerry Lewis
telethon of dysfunction."

And we'll cure me in,
like, one day.

I don't think
that's a possibility.

I don't wanna wait to be happy.

I wanna be happy right now.

Can't we string it all
together in one week?

No.

Blow off your other clients
for a week for me.

Okay, no.

Sam, can you...

We're gonna have to stop now.

Don't interrupt me,
I'm still talking.

I have feelings that I need
to get out, okay?

This isn't about you,
it's about me.

I'm the one paying
here, not you, okay?

Sam.

If you came over to my house

for dinner or a
make-your-own-sundae party,

would I all of a sudden say,

"Hey, Dr. Katz,
that's enough hot fudge!

Get out of my house!"

Sam, you know
what the music means.

The music means nothing
to me, okay?

Go ahead, try to throw me out.

Try to get me out of here,
I want you to.

Physically remove me.

Laura?

Laura could get me out.

It's time for Sam to go.

If Laura comes in, I'll leave.

So, anyway,
as I was saying, Laura,

I think because the bird
and I have been together

for a couple days now,

and because today
is sort of a special day...

My son's turning 25 today.

Yeah.

That's my little baby.

Dad, please don't
tell everybody.

Well, you'll
always be my little baby.

Don't call me
a "Little baby."

They know what I mean...
Do you have kids, sir?

Oh, god, you're kidding me.

Ben, you can't keep the bird.

Laura, you know,
it is my birthday,

the day I was born.

I have another present
for you, actually,

but if you'd
rather keep the bird,

then I'll just...
I'll return it.

Oh, that's so sweet, Laura.

- You got me a gift?
- She got you a gift.

Yeah.

Oh my god,
it's got a ribbon on it.

Yeah.

Hey, that's really nice.

But if you'd rather
have the bird,

then I'll just return it,
I guess.

Screw the bird,
here, take the bird.

Give me the gift.

Okay, well, have fun
and happy birthday.

What's that supposed to mean?

Is that some sort of
a sideways insult?

Hmm?
You saying I'm fat?

Ben, she just wished you
a happy birthday, what's...

All right, all right, thanks.

You're welcome.

- See you.
- Bye.

I can't believe
I have to micromanage

every moment of your life...
Just the basics.

Dad, I was doing fine on my own.

Well, not really.

You wanna stop here
and open that up?

Yeah, let's take a seat.

Okay, I'm ready.

Let's give this baby a ride.

Let's rock and roll.

Let's see what we got here.

Oh my god.

I think that's mine, Ben.

It's a stapler.

Yeah, that's my stapler.

Are you serious?

She took your stapler
and wrapped it up?

Wait a second...
What is the wrapping paper?

That's somebody's file.

You know what?
I applaud her.

But, first, I fire her.

Then I applaud her.

Let me try it calypso style.

Couldn't you liven it up
a little bit?

There you go.

♫ Happy birthday... ♫

♫ birthday Ben
mmm-hmm ♫

Thank you, I'm going to my room.

Don't you wanna
blow out anything?

Hey, let's blow out
the pilot light this time.