03x12 - Boys & Girls

[bunniefuu]

[Ned] In a middle school full of bullies,

insane teachers,

and gross school lunches,

Ned Bigby-- That's me--

And my two best friends try to do the impossible:

create a guide that will help you survive school.

[man] ♪ Turn it up

♪ Looking out

♪ I'll survive it no doubt ♪

♪ Never fear

♪ Bring it on

♪ Breaking down what's in my way ♪

♪ And I'’m... ♪

♪ Finding my place in this world ♪

♪ And I'’m... ♪

[Ned] "Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide."

Your results may vary.

Ned, help.

I've got this huge paper due in English class.

But I can't think of anything to write.

It's like I'’m stuck.

You know, I never have a problem about what to say.

When it comes what to write, I'’m a mute!

I need tips.

Who cares about tips?

[gasps]

Just because the girl you've been chasing since the second grade

moved away right when you started dating her,

doesn't mean it's the end of the world or "The Guide."

I can't help it. I just can't get Suzie out of my head.

You could start by cleaning out your locker.

And you can't stop writing tips.

I'm done with "The Guide."

[boy] Ow!

He's not throwing out "The Guide"?

Tell me he's not serious.

No, he just needs to take his mind off Suzie

and remember how to have fun.

Cookie's right. Read a book, write a story, paint.

Suzie loved painting.

Nice advice...girl.

But what Ned needs is to have real fun.

To eat meat, smash stuff for no reason,

I'’m talking arm farts.

And that's why today you're getting away from the girls

and spending a day out with...the boys.

Uhh!

Well, this should get ugly.

Boys day out means no more talk about Suzie.

Suzie was gonna take me to a rose garden this weekend.

But then she moved!

Well, we're going to a place where boys

can recklessly swing on ropes,

toss some balls, pump iron with no girly flower in sight.

[Cookie] The gym!

Boys...

What's with the girls and the flowers?

They remind Ned of Suzie.

We're the garden club.

We're building our arbor day float.

Suzie liked flowers. And gym.

And the air.

He's thinking about Suzie! Get him out!

Out! Out!

Boys are good.

They're tiger lilies in full bloom.

How's boys day going?

Great!Fantastic!

Mosley!

Boys like you. Why don't they like me?

I'm likeable!

Well, Evelyn, it may be

that you come on too strong.

I do not come on strong!

You're right.

Teach me.

Teach me your expert boy ways.

Please. Please!

Please, please, please, please...

I don't think so.

Please, please...And I'’m not an expert.

Please, please, please, please...

And begging never works on me.Please, please!

Please, please, please, please...

please, please, please, please....

please, please, please, please....

Ok! It worked.

I'll teach you all I know about boys.

Whatever that is.

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Nothing cheers a boy up

like smashing something with a bat.

Do it.

That's it!

You're smashing fruit today because deep beneath

that crushed heart is my best friend

who told me I can survive anything.

And so can you.

[ding]

You're right. I need to move on

and get the sting out of my heart.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Now the sting is in my eyes.

But what a great tip.

Never smash grapefruit with a bat without eye protection.

Write it down. Go on.

Aah!

Boys need "boy time"

to be with other boys and do dumb boy things.

Aah!

Thank you for the informative information on boys!

Did you say boys?

You're teaching a class on boys?

Yes! And she's a genius!

Oh, my gosh.

Guys, guys, guys. Girls...

I am not teaching a class on boys.

I like boys a lot.

I want to touch one.

How do I get a boy to talk to me?

Ok, well...

For one, you could join a club

or take a class that boys enjoy,

like woodshop or auto shop

instead of gardening.

Suzie! She's gone!

All of her pictures are gone!

Just like she is. Exactly.

You need to move on.

And say, "Thank you, Gordy!"

you realize your locker is the first thing

I've actually cleaned all year.

He hasn't smiled in days.

And he's stopped writing tips.

Oh, I can fix that.

And all it will cost you is bucks.

Who's got it?

Ha ha ha! All right! Come with me.

Nobody touch it! It's mine!

Ha ha ha! Nothing like a little teacher t*rture

to bring back Neddie's smile.

Sweeney chases the money into the window and bam!

Smash! He hurts. We laugh.

But the window's open.

[record scratch]

Aah!

Here's a great tip. Beware of sky teachers.

Better write it down.

Ugh! What's going on here?

Thanks for breaking my fall.

Are you behind this, Bigby?

Why isn't he running away or lying to me?

Is he ok?

He's suffering from "Suzie moved away" syndrome.

And he's stopped writing tips.

And I really need one, 'cause I can't seem to start this paper

that's due in English and I really--

We tried cheering him up by causing you pain,

but it didn't work.

You're kidding.

He loves it when I get hurt.

It's that bad?

[mumbling]

I'll go to the principal's office and receive my punishment.

I don't usually say this, but can I help?

Because I know what it's like to have a girlfriend move.

And his guidebook does seem to help some students.

I have an idea!

We're gonna need an th century cloak,

a fog machine, the garden club float, and boys...

lots and lots of boys!

Boys like video games and eating worms.

So they'd like a girl who likes that stuff.

I don't want to eat worms.

I want to kiss boys.

Oh, kissing.

What if I wanted to kiss a boy who likes computers?

Or a boy that breathes?

Ok. If there's a boy you like, find out what he likes.

If it's football, talk about football.

If it's airplanes, do the airplane thing.

Ow! My eye!

And the same goes for the boy who likes computers.

Blah, blah, blah. Tell us about kissing.

Stay with me here. Getting a little ahead of the seminar.

What kind of boy seminar doesn't show you how to kiss a boy?

You're a fraud!

Yeah! I want my money back!

I am not a fraud, and this seminar is free!

Now, sit down!

All right. Ahem. That's better.

[crash]

Ned Bigby...

I am the ghost of tipless past. Errr!

What are you doing?

[Cookie] Play along. We worked hard on this.

Hop on.

[Gordy] Look, that's you in kindergarten.

You were full of smiles, full of promise,

and really full of pee.

Eyes watering, you could barely see,

and you ran into the girls bathroom.

[laughing]

Thus, "the school survival guide" was born.

Your tips helped kids avoid...

[echoing] Bullies.

See?

Behold...this.

[Sweeney] "F"! "F"!

"F"! "F"!

You all fail. Ha ha ha ha!

[kids moaning]

Many failed, but your tips on notebooks and stress

helped them to do better.

"A"! "A"!

"A"! "A"!

This is great! You all pass!

Thank goodness for Ned's tips.

[cheering]

But what if you threw in the towel,

gave up on "The Guide" forever,

and created a...

[echoing] Tipless future!

[chattering]

[Ned] Giant monkeys? Come on.

Well, it could happen.

And we miss your smile.

And we miss your tips.

And I still have that writer's block thing and I need some...

[mumbling]

You guys did all this for me?

Feeling sorry for yourself doesn't suit you, Mr. Bigby.

Well, then...

I'd better write Martin that tip.

I can't think of one!

I got tip-writer's block.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

You know, I've always found that a nice drive clears my brain

and lets the ideas flow.

Boys are loyal to their friends.

And they mature later than girls,

which is why they seem so stupid.

Take us to see a boy.

Right!

A field trip to Boyville!

Where boys come and sweep us off our feet

with flowers.

Guys, think we need to be realistic here.

Field trip! Field trip!

Girls! Girls!

I can't just make boys appear with flowers

and sweep you off your feet to a romantic garden.

[screaming]

Mosley, you're amazing.

[truck horn blows]

Oh, no! We maimed him.

He'll never write another tip again.

Not so fast.

Now, if you're ever stuck on a project

and can't get started, try taking a ride

or walk away from it for awhile.

And inspiration will come.

He's back!

And if you ever get the blues about a girl or anything,

nothing brings you back or cracks your back more

than a day out with the boys.

Now we could use some tips on girls.

So, I'’m feeling good.

I'm writing tips again.

But Suzie said she would call when she got settled.

Not one phone call! Not one.

She's been gone days, and she moved to another state.

Ok. Well, I'’m moving on.

I don't need Suzie crabgrass.

If this phone rang right now, I might not even answer it.

[phone rings]

Suzie, I'’m so glad you called, I miss you, are you good?

Oh. Oh, hi, mom.

Yeah, I put clean ones on.

I love you, too.

I will not have my heart held hostage by a girl

that lives miles away!

And you have tips.

If you're a guy who wants to know about girls

and what makes them tick, check out these tips...

I don't have any tips on girls.

When it comes to girls, remember,

they wear shoes on their feet and they smell nice.

And...?

That's all I got. Girls are complex.

I think I can help. I understand the girls,

and they understand I'’m "the man."

[record scratch]

Walk me to class now!

I mean...please. Now please!

Ok. I'm clueless.

We need girl tips fast.

Like ways I can avoid Evelyn and go out with Lisa.

Coming, dear.

Ok, I need to find an expert on girls.

Someone who knows their ways, gets inside their heads.

Fine. I'll write you some tips.

What? No. I was talking about Gordy.

He is a genius.

On second thought, I meant you.

Moze, write tips on girls...

that'll hopefully get me a new girlfriend,

'cause I'’m a free man.

[Cookie] Ok.

I need to find out how to get Lisa interested in me again.

But won't Evelyn hurt you badly

if she sees you talking to Lisa?

Of course. That's why Moze is gonna do it for me.

Girls are more relaxed around other girls.

So, you find out what she likes in a guy,

and I'll be that guy.

Too late.

Moze is helping me.

Find your own girl researcher girl.

[ding]

My own girl researcher girl.

There you go.

"Survival tips on girls created by the superior girl mind."

Great, but there's one thing you forgot, girl tip master.

What?

[music]

If you're a guy who's confused about girls,

check out these tips...

girls like honesty not phoniness.

So always be yourself.

[screams] [rip]

And girls talk about their feelings.

So instead of talking, be a good listener.

It's actually taken for a variety of different purposes.

It should be classified under...

and don't forget.

Girls don't think anything to do with farts is funny.

[laughing]

To meet girls, get involved in activities girls like:

art, home-ec, yearbook, and choir.

Sure, there won't be many guys there,

but that's the point.

[ding]

Aw, today we have two new members in choir, class.

I want you to make them feel welcome.

Hi. I'm Simone. Hey.

Hey! What are you doing?

I'm going undercover to find out what Lisa really likes in a guy.

I don't think it's this.

Less talking, you two, and more ♪ Singing

I want you to sing the first thing that comes to your heart.

Ladies first.

[piano intro]

[deep voice] ♪ Ave Maria

I have my mother's eyes, but my father's voice.

You look very familiar to me. Yes, yes, yes....

Aah!

Oh, sorry. Ow! Think fast.

So, did my tips help you find any potentially special girls?

All I found was Cookie.

He looked good, but she's not really my type.

Well, then what is your type of girl?

Suzie, but she's gone.

And she still hasn't called.

I'll never find another girl like Suzie.

I'll be alone forever.

Come on.

There's lots of other fish in the school.

What is Ned Bigby's perfect girl?

Ok, my perfect girl would have to be

funny, smart, athletic, have a great smile, and be a great friend.

And I'll know when I see her,

because golden light will hit her just right

and the angels will sing.

Oh, please.

[choir singing]

Yeah! The lights work.

Then can you please fix the ones in my music room

so we can go back there and singing.

[choir] ♪ Ahhh...

What?

Hey! Watch it...

Girl.

Sorry. I can't get this stupid thing started.

[high voice] Try flushing the carburetor,

then adjust the spark plugs to /th.

How do you know about engines?

You're a girl.

I rebuilt a V- with my dad last year.

Floored the heads and gave it more horsepower.

See ya.

Yeah. See ya...

Mystery girl who knows about guy stuff.

Hey, there, lonely boy.

How would you like a date with Sasha Newkirk,

Amy Mangold, Becky Sherwood,

and a bunch of other girls today?

How?

Let's just say I got you great girl tips,

and now I'’m gonna get you a great girl.

It's not Cookie, is it?

'cause let me reemphasize strongly he's not my type.

So, Simone, how do you like it here so far?

Well, everyone seems nice,

but I miss my boyfriend.

He's this really hot computer whiz.

They're hard to come by.

Trust me.

So, do you have a special someone?

Sort of. I'm not sure.

No, I guess.

Just between us girls,

what would it take for a boy to become your special boy?

What would I-- He have to do?

Well, I 'd love it if a guy gave me chocolates and flowers.

It's just so thoughtful and romantic.

I have to move back to Washington now.

Nice knowing you.

You're nuts! The pistons don't stand a chance against the spurs.

Sure they do.

The Spurs guard tore his A.C.L.,

they're horrible from the line,

and their bench lacks depth.

Take the pistons and the points.

See ya.

She's...she's amazing.

Speed dating?

It's the hottest thing right now.

Now, each date only lasts two minutes.

So remember my tips. Be yourself.

More listen, less talk, and no farts-anything.

I'll be right here to move things along

and cut the date short in case of an emergency.

[drum roll]

[ding]

Hi! I'm Ann. I like to maintain my body's natural oils.

So I only shower once a month.

Ahem... ring the bell.

[ding]

My father owns a pizzeria with a video arcade.

We could eat and play for free.

Isn't that great?

[laughing and snorting]

[ding]

I like kissing boys.

[ding]

[ding]

Aaah! [record scratch]

I found the way to Lisa's heart.

She likes chocolates and flowers.

I ordered them express.

I'm gonna give them to her later.

Give them to her.

And be a dude again. Please.

Deal. See ya!

Simone.

[record scratch]

It's me. Billy.

Oh, hi. I have to change.

Don't ever change. No girl's ever told me

to flush my carb or take the points.

It's like you know how guys think

and what they like.

Well, I'’m a complex individual.

You're special, and I want to get to know the real you.

No, you don't. Trust me.

[nervous chuckling]

[deep voice] Well, it was nice talking, Ned.

[ding]

That's all the girls.

And it scares me to say it,

but Cookie was the hottest.

Come on. Don't give up.

Your perfect girl is out there.

We just have to find her.

[choir singing]

[Gordy] Yes! I finally fixed the light socket.

Yes, but it's still dark in the music room.

Blah, blah, blah!

[choir] ♪ Ahhh...

[record scratch]

Loomer ok?

No. Simone.

She came into his life and flew away

like the wind.

We had so much in common.

A lot more than you think.

The pain is so real.

It's like somebody gave me an atomic noogie in my heart.

Whoa.

I ran into Simone before she left.

She wanted me to give you these.

She had to leave in a hurry.

Her dad's in the CIA.

She got these for me?

Yeah. She said you're a really great guy.

But she wants her shoe back.

It's her mom's.

So, how'd the speed dating go?

Find the perfect girl?

No. Just the wrong ones.

And I'’m not asking for much.

I just want a girl who's funny, athletic,

smart, has a great smile, is a good friend,

isn't afraid to take charge once in a while,

likes sports, and call me demanding, but I like them on the tall side.

You just described Moze.

What?

Very funny.

I've known her forever.

We're just friends.

And I'll know my perfect girl when I see her.

Hey, guys.

♪ Ahhh...

Ok, Gordy, enough with the lights.What?

I fixed them and I got the choir back in the music room.

♪ Ahhh...

Why are you looking at me like that?

[cell phone rings]

Suzie, hi.

No. Everything's fine.

Hi, I'm... Ha ha ha!

[chortling]

Ha ha ha!

I got to change.

[regular voice] I'm good.

So, did my tips help you find any potentially [gibberish]...

how'd the speed dating go?

Find the perfect girl?

[laughter]

Now, we could use some...huh...

[laughter]