01x13 - Emergency Drills/The Late Bus

[bunniefuu]

Ned: in a middle school full of bullies...

Insane teachers...

And gross school lunches...

Ned bigby--that's me-- and my two best friends

Try to do the impossible:

Create a guide that will help you survive school.

Man: ♪ joining up ♪

♪ Looking out ♪

♪ I'll survive, ain't no doubt ♪

♪ Never fear ♪

♪ Bring it on ♪

♪ Breaking down what's in my way ♪

♪ Hanging out ♪

♪ Finding my place in this world ♪

♪ Hanging out... ♪

Ned: "ned's declassified school survival guide."

Your results may vary.

Remember, homeroomies, today is emergency drill day.

Emergencies will spring up all day when you least expect it.

Won't that be fun and informative?

Pay attention!

I'm teaching bear awareness!

Raaah!

Raaah!

Bears wander into our backyards all the time, people,

So you need to listen.

Hey, so are you guys ready for chandra's party tonight,

A.k.a. The biggest party of the year?

A.k.a. The party that I'm not going to

Because of a disgusting -alarm zit that arrived on my face last night.

Ned and cookie: eww! Let's see it!

Forget it.

Mr. Monroe: ok, if you see a bear, don't panic.

Simply call animal control, and they will come over,

Tranquilize it, and send it safely home.

So have you asked suzie to the party yet?

I'm waiting for the perfect moment.

If you wait any longer, the party will be over.

People, listen! Bears happen!

Hey, suzie. I was wondering if--i'd--

[Alarm rings] fire drill!



Not good!

Suzie is surrounded by potential dates that are not me.

Don't panic.

Me don't panic?

You're freaked out over a minor facial blemish.

The evacuation is moving too slowly.

This will take forever.

There's got to be a faster way out of here.

No one here is ready for a real emergency.

[Whistling]

[Laughs]

Oh, yeah, I am ready for any real emergency.

Check it out.

Emergency survival locker.

Safest place in school.

Ho ho! Everything you need to survive--emergency food,

Emergency soda, a disco ball, emergency radio--

But I need a way to get out of any room in school really fast.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

We dig an elaborate system of tunnels that lead to the outside

From every room in school?

I was thinking monorail,

But I like the tunnel idea, too.

Let's get digging.

All right, young people,

Let's go over some emergency earthquake drills.

Where's suzie? I'm running out of time.

You had all week to prepare for this,

And you're panicking now?

Well, at least I'm not holding a notebook to my face.

You can't do anything with your hands

If you're holding a notebook to your face.

Sure, I can. I can write.

I can do this thing.

And, look. Now I'm in a box.

It's getting smaller!

...under a doorway and away from the windows.

[Door closes]

Oh, uh-oh. Gotta go. Stay here.

Where am I gonna go? I'm in a box.

No listeners today, huh?

Hey, suzie.

Maybe you'll listen to this!

Earthquake!

[Alarm sounds]

Quickly, everyone under a table or desk!

Most injuries occur from falling objects!

I want to ask you something!

Still no listeners?

[Klaxon blares]

Will you go to chandra's party with me?

Will a goat drink hearty green tea?

No, no, no, no. Party with me?

With me, party.

Down!

Ha ha ha ha! Oh ho ho!

Now, this is an escape tunnel!

We're outside!

Ah, the sweet smell of...

Study hall?

Hey, this is where we started!

Oh, yeah. See, there you go.

Ahem! Sorry about that.

Keep "study-halling."

Yeah.

No, no. Let me go first.

Oh, cramp! Cramp!

Oh, bad time for a cramp!

You should have made the tunnel bigger!

Oh, hey, moze.

How'd you know it was me?

I think you're overreacting,

But don't worry. I've got some tips.

If you need a quick fix for a face invader,

A skin reaper, or a cheek freak,

Ice it down.

It'll reduce the redness and swelling.

Then zap it with make-up.

You'll be set for a good hours.

Now, let's see mount blemish.

What? That's it?

That's not an . On the zit-ker scale.

More like a ., Tops!

Stop staring at it!

Just try the tips.

It's ok. Calm down.

Don't panic.

Panic? I'm fine.

But I may not get another chance!

[Alarm sounding]

Tornado drill!

When uncle twisty comes to town,

You gotta get down and stay away from glass!

Hey, is anybody paying attention?!

Suzie!

[Mooing]

These kids are treating emergency drill day like a joke.

All they care about is that party.

They didn't listen to one thing I said.

Bears happen!

If a real emergency happened,

They'd find out they should have paid attention.

Ned! Your tips worked.

My face invader is gone!

No more panic. I'm going to the party.

Cool. I'm totally over the whole panic thing, too.

What's with the cones?

I've redirected traffic so suzie has to walk right to me,

And I can ask her to the party.

Good thing you're not doing anything crazy.

This tunnel will get you out of art class in a flash.

Hey, aren't we on the second floor?

Yeah, so?

Oh.

[Screaming]

Oh!

Maybe the school evacuation procedure wasn't so bad after all.

Yeah. It's a good thing we had those hard hats on.

Ow!

[Bell rings]

Hey, suzie,

I was wondering if...

You want to go to chandra's party with me?

Sure. That sounds great!

Really?

Aah!

That doesn't sound so great.

Bear!

Young people, remember your bear drill!

Ned, ned, ned!

Let's not panic.

What did mr. Monroe say in bear awareness?

He said, "nobody's listening.

"Come on, people. You need to know this."

Not what I was looking for!

Stay here! I'll go put smokey to sleep

With my emergency bear tranquilizer launcher.

I'll come back and get you when it's safe.

Think we're safe here?

Come on. It's gordy.

Help!

[All screaming]

[Screaming]

Raah!

Ok, don't panic.

It's just an -pound bear with big huge claws.

I'm not helping me.

Ow!

Oh! Wow, that hurts!

Ooh, now it doesn't hurt so much. Oh.

[Bear growling]

[Adults laughing]

Chopsaw: maybe now, some of you will listen

The next emergency drill day.

Trembling against the wall

Is not the best way to handle an emergency.

Emergencies arrive without warning.

Mr. Monroe: and you must always remain calm, alert,

And never panic, like this.

Aah!

This porridge is too hot.

Raah?

Yogi's got a boo-boo.

Ned: emergency drills may seem boring sometimes,

But if we listen, we really can be prepared.

And remember the most important tip of all: don't panic.

Because panicking can get you into some tight situations.

Moze: the door is locked, and gordy is not coming back.

Ned: ok. Don't panic!

I'll figure out a way to get us out of here.

I will not miss the biggest party of the year

And my first date with suzie.

Moze: give it up.

Ned: no! Suzie said yes.

It's not fair!

Cookie, enough with the emergency radio!

Cookie: fine.

Oh, look, emergency cheese puffs!

[School bell rings]

Ned: you've got to love the sound of the friday afternoon bell.

That's the sound of freedom.

I thought this week would never end!

Yeah. The only thing standing between us and the weekend

Is a sweet ride on bus number .

Bus number broke down.

A replacement bus will be sent

As soon as one can be found.

It may take minutes... [Chuckles]

Or two hours! [Laughs]

When you're hit with some unexpected downtime,

Like a late bus,

Don't just sit and go like this...

When you can create a new, fun game,

Like pie-kick field goal.

It's good!

It's coconut creme! Whoo!

It's good!

Or take the time to apologize to someone who's upset

Because she thinks you stood her up.

But I was trapped in a locker!

It's true.

Or get a jump-start on your homework,

So you can spend your night doing important stuff,

Like nothing,

Because nothing is more important than homework.

Tell me something, bigby.

How come jennifer hangs out with you, not me?

Can't she see what a great guy I am?

That's like me with suzie.

I like her, but she won't talk to me anymore.

I mean, I was trapped in a locker--

How is this about me?

Sorry.

One reason moze might avoid you--

And I'm not saying I agree--

But might be that you scare people.

You got a problem with that?

No, no problem.

Could you help me?

Help you scare people?

No. Look,

I won't bully you for a full year

If you get jennifer to like me and go to the mall with me.

I had claire write up a contract.

It's all here.

Standard boilerplate bully-breaking contract.

Ned: "no wedgies.

"No slapping upside the head.

No shoving."

If, and only if,

You show my client how to be more like you,

So jennifer will go to the mall with him.

You won't bully me for a whole year?

Deal!

[All chattering]

Coconut head: ok, I put my arms up,

And then it went right in my braces. It was like--

There's no reason to sit around like this...

When right behind that wall lies an exciting world of strange sights

To boggle your mind--

On cookie's tour of school, after hours.

But the school is locked.

Cookie's tour of school after hours?

Heh heh heh! All right, remember, keep it quiet.

Our first point of interest is the custodian

Who spends his spare time chasing

The evasive, uncatchable,

Much-smarter-than-him polk weasel.

Eh, not after today, little weaslets.

Meet me in the gym later and witness the perfect

Can't-fail weasel trap in action!

Students: ooh!

Ok, ok, ok.

We don't want to get caught, so we have to be very quiet.

Students: aah!

Isn't the orchids and gumbo club awesome?

I've read it before. I'm rereading it for fun now.

Me, too!

I thought I was the only one who reread books.

I've never seen you on the bus.

I don't take the bus. My dad picks me up.

He's late.

My name's jennifer.

I'm jennifer tu.

T-u, not t-o-o.

Ned: first thing, clothes.

Your outfit needs to say, "hi, I'm a nice guy,"

Not "give me your lunch money."

How am I gonna buy lunch?

See, look at that guy.

You need to lose the jacket and dress like him.

[Fighting sounds]

Maybe I didn't word that correctly.

Come on.

Cookie: we're walking, we're walking,

And we're stopping.

Ok, guys, prepare yourselves for a sight

That you couldn't even imagine

In your wildest dreams.

Coach dirga...

After hours!

Man on tv: janet, I'm afraid I can't operate.

I'm a handsome man, not a doctor.

Students: ooh!

Are you giving that tour again?!

We're running. We're running. We're running...

Ned: now let's work on expression.

What expression?

That one.

Try to give the impression

That there's someone nice in there who cares.

How about a nice, humorous laugh?

Ho ho hah hah hah!

No, no. Not an "isn't-suffering-funny" laugh.

A happy laugh, like this.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[Sobbing]

Should I be getting advice from you?

Girls don't like you.

I was trapped in a locker!

Trapped!

Whoa.

Wow! Finally a tour that shows you stuff you want to see!

Flowers, dancing, horses.

Girls like that stuff

So try and show some appreciation.

Glad there weren't any horses around.

Here she comes!

I'm not ready!

Ok, wait here.

Practice your laughing.

Muh heh heh.

Ok, moze, I'm giving loomer a makeover and--

Ned, meet jennifer tu. She's into math.

I never liked it, but mrs. Morrison

Has made it my favorite subject.

Like me! And she's into sports.

And I'd like a best friend who's a girl because--

Her two best friends are guys. Weird, huh?

Look, there they are, ted and mookie!

Hey, is there anything really scary

On the cookie's school after hours tour,

Something to like, you know, freak us out? Heh heh heh!

Oh, yes, there is.

All right.

Look if you dare at...

Teacher's rap club.

♪ We're the teachers, we're the teachers ♪

♪ Put your butt in the bleachers ♪

♪ We're really, really glad to meet ya ♪

♪ We teach ya all the features ♪

♪ That round out and complete you ♪

They're getting better.

They just hired a professional rap tutor.

Stop! Stop! That's enough!

Cut! Quit!

Man, I never felt so sorry for microphones in my life.

It's a disgrace.

Was it that bad?

Dirga: go!

♪ We're the teachers, we're the teachers ♪

♪ Put ya butt in the bleachers ♪

[Horn honks]

That's my dad.

This is the most fun I've had all year.

Me, too! I'll see you monday.

Well, no.

Today was my last day.

What?

My dad got transferred to paraguay.

Paraguay?

But we can still chat on-line.

Suzie: jennifer, have a good trip!

Thanks, suzie!

You should hang out with suzie.

She likes everything we do. Except ned.

You'll be best friends in no time.

Bye.

Crabgrass.

Mosely.

Hey.

Hey.

Nice shirt.

Thanks.

Nice little clip thingy. I like that.

It's purple. I see that.

Because it matches.

Because they match the jacket.

Yeah. Yeah.

[Cheering]

I wish the bus would never come!

Other students: yeah!

Now just remember the ns.

Loomer: nice, normal, smile.

Close enough. Now go ask her.

Will you go to the mall with me?

Sure!

Great.

You sure clean up good.

Wow. Loomer looks really good.

I would have gone to the mall with him.

You were supposed to go the mall with him!

Gordy: ha hah, observe.

As weasel dines on delicious weasel nuggets,

Large mallet gently nudges weasel onto trampoline,

Where weasel ricochets up

And onto gordy's patented "weasel wash,"

Where he is rinsed, sudsed,

Scrubbed, and dried,

Then finally deposited onto cinder-block teetertotter,

Where the weasel is propelled up

And onto the happy slide,

Where he trundles safely down

Into the pre-labeled packing crate

Complete with in-flight snack and attractive travel bow.

Then the crate is launched by high-tension bungee cord

Directly to the shipping area,

Where it is sent via express mail to paraguay.

Adios, weasel.

Ha ha ha!

And it all starts when I hit that button.

Man, I hate that weasel.

Seth: awesome tour, cookie!

And don't forget your cookie tour t-shirts!

Principal on speaker: attention, bus number riders.

A replacement bus has arrived. So go home!

Students: yeah!

[Hollering]

Ned: well, the bad news is I lost suzie,

But the good news is loomer got a date to the mall,

And he won't bully me for a whole year.

According to page , subsection "b," paragraph ,

Because it's suzie and not jennifer, the deal is off.

Great. I did all that work, and what do I get?

Cookie: you get your best friends...

And a free cookie tour t-shirt!

And we're on the bus.

And the weekend is here!

Students: yeah!

Uh-oh.

Looks like we're gonna be here for a while.

[Everybody groaning]

Ooh!

[Weasels chittering]