02x11 - Firefighter's Ball Part 2

[bunniefuu]

- I've been hearing about

the Firefighters' Ball
my entire life.

- I've got my date lined up.

An opera singer.
She's super funny.

- I hear you have a great sense
of humor.

- She's saving her voice
for her performance tomorrow.

- I should be your wingman!

- I don't know if we should do
the whole sling thing.

- It has the effect of making
me look incredibly weak.

You'd look incredibly strong.

- You guys remember Gene, right?

- Oh, hey, Gene.
- Everyone, this is my mom.

- Literally the spitting image
of his mom.

Doesn't that make you
uncomfortable?

- I would hate to be chief.
I like my life the way it is.

- I'm gonna stop you
right there, Phil.

Eddie does not want
to be a chief.

- Did you tell
the personnel office

that I didn't want
that chief job?

[elevator grinds]

- Great, look what you did.
We're stuck.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ The fire's out,
now you wanna be ♪

♪ Where the laughs are free ♪

♪ Tacoma FD ♪

- I asked you a question, Terry.

Did you screw me out
of that chief job?

- No.

- Wolf Boykins says you did.

- Oh, you're gonna believe
Wolf Boykins now?

A guy you publicly humiliated
on multiple occasions?

- Is it true or not?

- It's not that simple.
- That's it.

- Oh, you're gonna fight me now?

- Yeah. [clanging]

Okay, I'll fight you

after we get out
of the elevator.

- Okay, good call, good call.

[upbeat music]

- Okay, wingman.
What's the strategy?

- Women are like snowflakes.
- No two are alike.

- No, they're 70% water.
What are you talking about?

- What?
- We got this.

We're gonna turn around,
talk to these two ladies.

[clears throat]

Fitzpatrick, right? Station 41?

- Crystal, Station 24.
I heard about you.

What happened to your arm?

- Oh, I fell hanging art.
- You're an art lover?

- Super wimpy,
though, too, right?

I mean, I was on this tiny,
little stool, and it's like...

[wails softly] And I fell...
- This is my friend Rodriguez.

- Oh, ¿cómo estás?

- Y tu mamá también. [chuckles]

- Did you ladies remember
to bring one of these?

- Oh!

- You think you're gonna
find anyone here

without their challenge coin?

What are you, new?

- Oh!
- [chuckles] Right?

I hope your friend brought hers.

- [chuckles]
- Bam.

- Oh, okay.
- Okay, all right.

There you go.

This is my friend Andy.

- Oh.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Andy loves rom-coms.
- I do.

- [chuckles]

- Also loves playing Scrabble
with chicks.

- I do.
- He also likes baking.

- Yeah, I have Bundt cakes
and stuff.

I can't find my coin.

- Wait, wait, what?
You got to do a sh*t.

Actually,
you got to do two sh*ts.

Bourbon, right over here
in front of the little guy.

- I thought that just meant
that I was gonna be

buying you guys drinks.

- It's an open bar.
You got to do the sh*ts.

- Okay. [chuckles]

- Both of them.

- That's weird, 'cause we
specifically talked

about the coins.

- Get your game together,
ladies.

- I know, right?
- Yeah.

- See ya. Adiós.

- I thought I had it, man!

I just...
- You don't have your coin?

- [groans] I must've left it
in my "D&D" wizard room.

- This is gonna be a problem.
- I know.

♪ ♪

- Me too!

Hey, I know you got to save
your voice

for your performance,
but let's dance.

♪ ♪

Why not?

♪ ♪

[sighs]

Let's get you a bit to eat,
all right?

- You're a great dancer.

- I think we're gonna spend
a lot of time out here tonight.

- Mind if we cut in?
- Oh, hey, Mom!

- Hey, you two!

- Hey, who wants
to do a conga line?

Both: Conga! - Yeah!

- We got a problem.
- What?

- Honey, you okay in there?
- We're fine.

Except he's an assh*le!

- Okay, well, we should be able
to get you out quickly

with a hotel full
of firefighters.

- Step aside, folks.
We got this.

- Hey, what happened
to your sling?

- Oh, uh, no,
when my friends are in trouble,

I don't even think
about the pain.

It's like... [stutters]

I'll be put back on later.

- That's so cool.

[both straining]

- We're gonna need
something stronger.

- Move aside, guys.

It's clobberin' time.

- Whoa.
- All right.

[heroic music]

♪ ♪

- Damn.

- It's jammed really good.

Oh, hey. - Hey, good job.

Hey, guys.

- Hang on, coming through.

Everybody stand back.

- Do not do that!

- No, it's okay.
We're firefighters.

- No, this has happened before.

These are old elevators...
Very volatile.

We need to call
the elevator company.

That's the safest way
to handle this.

I'm gonna call them right now.

- Come on, we can do this.
- Definitely.

- I don't know about that.

You ever hear about
the stuck elevator in Olympia?

- No.

- Firefighter popped his head
in to look and bam!

Elevator fell.
Took his head right off.

The worst part was people
were stuck in that elevator

for 12 hours with that head.

- Hoo!
- Eyes open like this.

- [groans]

- Let's just get
the elevator guys here.

- [groans] I hate caution.

- It's okay. Go have some fun.
We'll be out soon.

- No way we leave you alone!

No way, no how, never!

You crazy son of a bitch.
What are you thinking?

- I love that.

- Okay, so I talked
to the elevator repair company.

It's kind of funny...

Today is actually the Elevator
Repairmans' Ball as well.

- The elevator repairmen
have a ball?

- Yeah, it's up in Seattle
at the Ritz.

- The Ritz? [chuckles]
What are we doing wrong?

[laughter] - Beg your pardon?

- N-nothing.

- I don't know
what he was saying.

- They're trying
to get somebody out here

as quickly as possible,
but it might be a few hours.

- Hours?
- Sorry, best we can do.

- And we can all wait
at the bar, right?

- Yeah, let's wait at the bar.
- I was thinking that, man.

- Sounds like a plan.
- Good idea.

- Not gonna have fun, though.
- No fun.

- Donna, go have fun.
I'll be out soon.

- Hurry up and get out of there.

I want to play with Cinderella.

She wants to play, too.
- [chuckles]

- You go, too, Vick.
I'll be out soon.

- Seems like
you weren't planning

on spending any time
with me, anyway, so...

- [sighs]

- Now, where were we?

- You know,
the repairmen should be able

to get us out pretty easily,
if they ever show up.

- Terry, were you given
a chance to recommend me?

- Yes.
- And what did you say?

- You told me you never wanted
to be chief

and that you liked your life
the way it is,

and I told them.
- I never said any of that.

- You said a million times
you'd never want to be chief.

- Bullshit. Name one time.

Your job sucks.
I would never want to be chief.

I would never be chief.

Never be chief.

Chief? Me? No way.

I'd rather eat a bug
than be a chief.

You couldn't pay me enough
to be chief.

I would hate to be the chief.

I would never be chief.

[mouth full]
I would never be chief.

What did Eddie the Dolphin say

when he was asked
if he wanted to be chief?

[imitates dolphin squealing]
Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

I'd rather have the devil
f*ck me up the ass

with his white-hot,
barbed d*ck than be chief.

I was peacocking.

Never believe me
when I'm peacocking.

- You're always peacocking.

- Of course I want to be chief.

That's the easiest job
in the world.

All you do is yell at people
and ruin the good times.

- That's silly.
That's not the job.

- [mockingly] Clean the axes.

Do the inventory.
I'm banning gambling.

Do I make myself clear?
- That's me?

- [normal voice]
Yeah, that's you.

- Great bit.
- It is a good bit.

- You have no idea
what you're talking about.

- Yeah? Our friendship is over,

and I am leaving Station 24
immediately.

- Fine, I'll transfer you.
- Good.

- I'll transfer you
to the sh*t shack.

- Anywhere
is better than being with you.

- You can go hang out
with Captain Dooley.

Or should I say Chief Dooley?

Yeah, you heard me.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- Boop-boop!
- Candy.

Did you forget
your challenge coin?

Don't even bother
answering that.

It's a rhetorical question.

And two, two. Deuces, deuces.

I spat in that one.
[indistinct chatter]

Get in there. Ooh, trifecta.

- You are screwed, bub.
- Does everybody know?

- No, no, no.
- No, no, no, no, no.

- Oh, everybody!
- Hey!

- Myawani forgot
his challenge coin!

[laughter]

- Hey, how about
the photo booth, huh?

- Photo booth! both: Whoo!

- I want the pink,
feathery thing!

- Mmm,
some really good stuff here.

Can I get you something?

You're not gonna talk, dance,
or eat?

What's the point in coming?

I'm being selfish?

[laughs]

I'm being selfish, and
I'm a terrible communicator?

Really?

Ophelia. [sighs] Damn it.

- It's stuffy in here.

- Must be all your hot air.
- [chuckles sarcastically]

- [slurring words]
Hey, guys. Guys?

- What's up, Andy?

- You still hanging out in here
with Darth Vader's wife, Ella?

- What are you talking about?
- Ella Vader!

[laughs]

[groans] - Stop!

Hey, guys, Andy forgot
his challenge coin,

and everyone found out,

so, of course, they're all
making him do sh*ts.

Anyway, talked to the manager,

and he said no word yet
from the elevator guys,

but we'll keep you posted.

I'll throw you up
some shrimp later maybe.

Come on, Andy!
- Yeah, yeah, coming.

One more thing, one more thing,
one more thing.

[cackles]

[farts]

- Really?
- We're your superior officers.

- I'm the chief!

- Sorry, guys, I'll get him...

Oh, God, oh, God! [groaning]

- Are you sick?
- It's in my mouth.

- Oh, my God.

Now it's stuffy in here.
- [giggles]

M29.

Ike, you're gonna get
the commemorative baseball

for 350.

[laughs]
Twirling spaghetti fork.

It's so hard to twirl,
especially when...

it's al dente.

♪ ♪

Lucy McConky, you're al dente.

Oops!

I don't know, I'm sleepy.

- No more conga lines.
You're mine now.

- [laughs]

- Here we go.
- All right.

- All right, three, two...
[camera shutter clicks]

All right, goofy one.

- Here's Mommy!

- Mother!
- Coming in.

[laughter]

- What is this, a glory hole?
[laughs]

I'm kidding, I know it's not.

This elevator go
to the penthouse?

Let's hit the buffet before
all the radishes are gone!

- Great idea, Wolf.
I'll grab the pictures.

- Get me doubles.
- You know I will, Mom.

These are so good.
Look at these.

- I've actually been meaning
to talk to you.

- I'm a Russian sailor!
I want "wodka"!

[laughs]

Let me see. - Check 'em out.

- [laughs]

Gene... [laughs]

Has anybody ever told you that
you look just like your mom?

- Andy.
- What are you talking about?

- [chuckling] What's going on?

- Look at these pictures.
- I don't need to...

- Remember when you were talking

and you saying that Gene
and Jean have the same barber?

[laughs] - Whoa, no!

- And then they get
a family discount.

Hey, Gene, do you get
a family discount?

- I did not say that!

- Hey, Brad.
- Here you go, buddy.

- Oh, not another...

- He doesn't need
any more drinks.

Don't drink it, don't do it.

Don't... - Mm.

Do svidaniya, y'all!

- Go.
- Oh, it's okay now?

Let's eat.

- I did not say that.

I would never say something
like that.

Were you there?

♪ ♪

- [grunts]
Oh, yeah, that's good.

[grunts]

[sniffs]

♪ ♪

- [chewing gum loudly]

- You know what?
We got to get out of here.

[grunting]

There's got to be, like,
a lever down here

or something maybe...
Like, a button?

- Did it ever occur to you

that the entire world
does not want to see

your disgusting ass cr*ck?

- Has it ever occurred to you

to chew your gum
with your mouth closed

instead
of like a starving horse?

- At least I'm presentable.

You just scratched your
armpits underneath your shirt.

You could go over the shirt,

but you went on your naked skin,

and then
you smelled your fingers.

That's disgusting.

And you know what else
is disgusting?

You suck on your ear buds
after they've been in your ear.

- You wear socks
with flip-flops.

- That's my ninja boot.
- You're not a ninja!

- You don't know.

- The thong is sticking
between your toes.

- Feels great.
- It's disgusting.

- You got clammy hands,
a wet mouth, elephant elbows.

- [chuckles] Okay.

For the record,
you'd make a shitty chief.

- Okay.

For the record,

the only reason
you're even a chief

is 'cause you married my sister

and my dad gave you that job to
put some money in your pocket.

- Bullshit!
- Ask him.

He's the one who told me.

- That's it.

[energetic rock music]

♪ ♪

[calm lobby music]

♪ ♪

- Figure four, bitch!
Figure four!

- I'm lifting up,
I'm lifting up!

[shouting]

- Yeah, yeah, you like it.

- You're tearing my cheek!

- [screams]
- I can do whatever I want!

- Eat 'em all.
- Those are for lovemaking!

[screaming]

[energetic rock music]

[cheering and shouting]

♪ ♪

- [whoops] [indistinct chatter]

- Hey, look at her arm!
- That's an embarrassment, man!

- You take all that creatine!

[indistinct chatter] - Pathetic.

- [chuckles]

I can't believe it.
It's so powerful!

- I usually don't even like
to show it off like this,

but with all these adrenaline
junkies in the house...

- Hey, She-Hulk,
you want to dance?

- Andy.
- [laughs]

- Oh-ho.
- [laughs]

- Whoa, hey, pal.
- Whoa, pal.

- You need to cool it right...

- Crystal, quick question.
- Yeah?

- You need help getting out
of that shirt tonight?

- Yeah, maybe.
- [laughs]

- Ikey, Ikey,
don't you have to wait

for your divorce
to finalize first?

- What are you talking about?
- What are you talking about?

That's... he's kidding.

- What do you mean?
[stutters] You forgot?

- He's really drunk.
- It's your third one.

- Wow, okay,
you guys have fun tonight.

- No, Fitzpatrick,
he's... he's kidding.

- She gave us the okay!
- What's your problem, man?

- d*ck tap! [cackles]

- I thought the elevator
was gonna drop

when you body-slammed me.
- Yeah, so did I.

Give me ten minutes,
then we're going round two.

- My pleasure.
- Yeah, my pleasure.

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Granny. What's up?

- I brought you guys something.

- Very thoughtful of you.
- How's the party?

- I was really excited about
my date, but she's been a dud.

- I'm sorry to hear it.

- The manager says the elevator
guys are on the way.

I'm not sure the ETA,
but they should be here soon.

And which one of y'all farted
in here?

Ugh.
- That's another long story.

Really? You're gonna cr*ck that?

- Terry, at midnight,

that strong-arm HJ
is walking out that door,

out of my life forever.

Mm.

- [grunts]

At midnight, they're gonna play
my salsa song,

and I'll be stuck in here,

and all I've done is be a d*ck
to Vicky,

and she doesn't deserve it.

- And by the way, Terry,
it's sal-sa.

- Sawl-sa.

- S... okay.

- I say we wrestle when we get
to here.

- Everybody, everybody.

- Well, it's official.
My date sucks.

- Everybody.

- My date's not even speaking
to me.

- I thought she already wasn't
speaking to you.

- Yeah, but she lost her pad.

She can't say anything
without it.

- At least you have a date.

Mine's cheating on me
with his mom.

- Oh, your date is an easy fix.
Mine is stuck in an elevator.

- How is mine an easy fix?

- Look, I know you hate Wolf,
but he's your ticket.

Have him take that mom home,
and your path is clear.

Just got to nudge him
a little bit.

- Mom, you are a genius!
[smooches]

Thank you.

- Whoa, Vicky.

Super modern of you

to help your daughter
have sex like that.

- Guess I didn't think
about it that way.

- Why is there
so many oranges in here?

- You're a robot.

Mailbox, fire hydrant,
vacuum cleaner.

Marry, screw, k*ll?

- I would definitely screw
the mailbox, and here's why.

- Hey, how you guys doing
in there?

- Vicky. Oh, I missed you.

- It's almost midnight. [sighs]

I'm gonna go home,
relieve the babysitter.

- Vicky, Vicky, Vicky,
don't go, don't go.

We'll be out soon.

- It hasn't been a good night,

and when you do get out of here,

you're gonna be three sheets
to the wind.

- Vick, please stay.
I have a surprise.

- What surprise?

- Uh, I'm gonna get an award
at midnight.

- What kind of award?

- It's a firefighter award
for being a firefighter.

- [sighs]
What are you talking about?

- If I'm not out of here,

you need to accept the award
for me.

- Fine.

I will stay here until midnight,

but then I am going home.

- Oh, thank you, honey.
I love you.

- [grunts]

- [gasps and chuckles]

You keep digging yourself
into a deeper hole.

- No, no, no.

We get out of here, we dance,
and it'll all be worth it.

- Hi, fellas.

The elevator repairman was
pulled over, and he got a DUI.

- [groans]
- But they sent another guy.

And hopefully
he should be here in time.

Hang in there.

[taps floor] - Okay.

- Mm.
Worst Firefighter Ball ever.

- We wrestle again in five.
- My pleasure.

- Hey, Wolf.
- McConky.

- You and Jean really got
a good thing going, huh?

- Women have a hard time
resisting the musk of the Wolf.

- I hear ya.

She told me she wants
to go home with you tonight.

- She did?

- She said she hopes you take
her to the Wolf's Den.

- I'm freezing.
- Really? Okay.

- What... what... what do I say?

- Just walk right up to her
and tell her

you want to get out of here.
- All right.

[gargles]

Thanks, kid.

[Gene laughs] Yeah.

- [sighs]

Gene, I really like you,

but my friends think
we should break up

because you look like your mom

and you kind of seem like you
just want to date her.

- What's up, mama?

What do you say we make like
the wind and blow out of here?

- Wolf.

[horror movie music]

- Well, Lucy,

you look just like your father,

and that's worse.

So go f*ck yourself.

And you...

how dare you be so forward?

- Mother! What's the matter?

- These people are no good
for you.

- I'm sorry, Lucy. It's over.

Let's go, Mother. - [scoffs]

both: sh*t.

- Well, you know what they say.

When a door closes,
a window opens...

- Oh, f*ck off, Wolf.

- Let's get that coffee
into you, hey, pal?

Time to sober up a bit,
right, buddy?

- Okay.

But only for a minute, and then
I'm gonna go back to drinking.

- Or maybe not, right?

- I'm sorry for cockblocking
you, man, I just...

- Don't.
- You must be pissed at me.

- I'm not.
Hey, I'm not pissed at you.

- [snores]
- Are you... hey, wake up.

I actually want to thank you
for being a good friend.

Hey, no, no.
Don't... hey, don't kiss my hand.

Andy. - I can't even get it.

- Look at...
Look at me, it's Ike.

Stop, look at me.

I want to apologize to you.
- Huh?

- I was trying to stay true
to my Celibat-ember vows,

and it was almost impossible,
except you made it possible,

and I want to thank you,
little buddy.

- I want to thank you, my man.
[crying]

- Don't cry, man.
You're all right, pal.

- Hey, Ike.
- Oh, hey.

- It looks like my date
is all tied up,

and the combo of your
wounded arm and my strong arm

is really doing a number
with my head.

Do you want to get out of here?

- I got a confession to make.

My arm's not really hurt.
[sighs]

I made it all up because
I wanted Andy to look strong

and me to look weak so Andy
could meet someone, you know?

'Cause he's my best friend
and he deserves it.

- [scoffs]
- Andy! Stop drinking!

- It's not mine!

- Your selflessness
only makes me want you more.

Let's go.

- We're all going?
- No, no, hey, hey.

You're staying here
Drink coffee, okay?

- Don't drop me, don't drop me.

- [grunts]

- If I may, I think that your
mustache has grown quite thick

over the past year.

Congratulations.
- You know what?

I don't think you look like
David Arquette anymore.

- Ooh-hoo.

- I think you look like De Niro.

- [chuckles] De Niro?
- Like a young De Niro, though.

- Mm.
- Not CGI bullshit De Niro.

- Young De Niro?
- Do the... do it.

[chuckles] Yeah.

[chuckles] Yes.

- Terry, I'm sorry I said
you only got the chief job

because you were married
to Vicky.

It was mean.

- It's probably true.
- No, it's not true.

You're the best chief
I've ever worked for,

and I confess that
I have said a million times

that I never wanted to be chief

and if I had just been truthful,

we wouldn't be stuck
in this elevator.

- Mm.
- It's my fault.

- I should've told them
that you'd be a great chief

and then let you decide.

- No, you were trying
to do what's right.

- No.

- I just said I didn't want
to be chief.

- You know why...
You know why I did that?

I'm a bad person. - No.

- Yes, I am.

- No, sir,
you are a good person.

- [farts, laughs]
[both groaning]

- Jesus.
- Oh, come on.

Really, again?

- You take it.
- [laughs]

[gags]
- Don't you vomit in here.

- Don't vomit.
- She didn't talk to me.

- Get your head out of the hole.

- Get out of here.

- Nice rose petals, b*tches!
[cackles]

[watch beeps] - Oh, midnight.

Oh, boy. - The witching hour.

[lively salsa music playing]
- There's my song.

♪ ♪

- Good for him.

Good for him.

♪ ♪

Terry, put that outfit on.

My night might be over,
but I'm gonna salsa with you.

- Why?

- You get that outfit on
right now, Terry McConky.

You get up here and look.

- [grunts]

- [mouthing words]

♪ ♪

Oh, for God's sake.

♪ ♪

- Vámonos.

- Jeez, that was fast.

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God.

Wha...

♪ ♪

Wow.

♪ ♪

- Stop looking into my eyes,
you weirdo, look into hers.

- Oh, right.

♪ ♪

- I feel like Whoopi Goldberg
in "Ghost."

♪ ♪

- Ophelia,
you got a show to prepare for,

and I was being selfish.

Please forgive me.

- [breathes deeply]

- [chuckles]
Where'd you find your pad?

♪ ♪

[huffs]

♪ ♪

- Mwah!

- [panting]

- [snores]

♪ ♪

- Kegels. Plenty of kegels.

- [high-pitched
operatic moaning]

- What the hell?

[elevator whirs]

[bell dings]

- [chuckling] Hey, all right!

- Whoa, hey.
- Yes!

[laughter]

- Yeah, yes.
- [laughs]

Oh, hold on.

I was going up.

[laughter]

♪ ♪

- I'm starving.
Let's hit a diner, my treat.

- Whoa, hot lettuce sandwiches
for everybody.

- I kind of thought
I'd be hanging out

with somebody else about now.
- Oh, me too.

- I almost forgot.

Here's what you guys
won at the silent auction.

- Uh, I didn't bid on anything.

- Neither did I.
We were stuck in an elevator.

- [chuckles]

- Uh, someone named
Terry McConky and Eddie Penisi

owe the charitable fund $1,000
for their prizes.

[laughter]

- I won dinner
with Chief Terry McConky

of the Tacoma Fire Department.

- Oh, that's gonna be
a loud meal.

- Oh, I love that guy.

- I won dinner with
brand-new Fire Chief Dooley.

[chuckling]

Oh, okay. Want to trade?

- Uh, no.
I'd rather eat with myself.

- There's nobody I'd rather eat
with less than old Glass Eye.

- Hey, eh.

- Hey, hey, hold up!

You guys going out
for late-night bites?

I could eat some 'za.

It's the least you could do
after blowing my score tonight.

- That is not on me.

- I might've had
my first mother-son combo

if it weren't for this little
jock-blocker.

Say, Eddie,

Terry tell you about his
"recommendation call"

he made for you? [both chuckle]

- Ditch him!

[upbeat rock music]