01x06 - Welcome to Heaven

[bunniefuu]

[opening title music]

[Charlie] Okay. I have my warm
weather clothes and my cold weather clothes.

I have a light jacket, flak
jacket and rain jacket.

Wait. Does it rain in Heaven?

Charlie, you're only going to
Heaven for a few hours.

Vaggie, we are only going to
Heaven for a day.

And I just want to be prepared!

It's our last chance to convince
Heaven a soul can be redeemed.

Yeah, I wish I could come,
sweetie, but I have that thing.

- What thing?
- The thing with the... thing, um, f*ck, gah, I'm such a bad liar.

Vaggie, you're my partner.
I need you there with me.

[sighs] Fine.

Yes!

[huffs] Oh, f*ck.

[Niffty] You look messy!
What happened to you?

It's who happened to me.

And the answer is everyone.

Twice!

Val had me working 16 hours
straight on a f*cking whim.

The absolute d*ck bag.

[expl*si*n]
Arghh! What the f*ck is with that wall?

What up, hoes!
[laughs]

Ho-Holy sh*t, Cherri b*mb?
Long time no see, baby!

Angie, ya bitch!

You been texting me
depressing sh*t all day,

figured we could tear
sh*t up like old times.

It's been f*ckin' forever!

Here hold this.

[Charlie] Ah! Oh my
God, oh my God.

[Vaggie] Nope, gimme that.

I love seeing ya Cherri,
[loud expl*si*n]

but I'm too tired.
I need to pass out.

Oho, you can sleep when you're
double dead, fuckhead!

Come on, what you
really need is a recharge,

a reinvigoration, a re...

[Charlie] Responsible
night on the town!

That is a great idea.

Hi, Charlie.

That's my wall that
you just blew up.

It's so nice to
meet one of Angel's friends.

Aagh, he never brings
anyone around!

[Cherri b*mb snorts] Wonder why?

Yeah, me too.

Anyway, Angel and everyone else
have been working so hard.

I think they deserve
to have a little fun.

W-w-wait, they?

Yeah.
Hi, everyone!

Angel and his friend
are taking you all out

for a night of fun
and relaxation!

Wait, I am only here for Ang...

Ooh! never mind.

Let's go!

Make sure they have
the best time tonight.

Anyway the portal to Heaven
should be opening right about...

[screams with delight] now!

[upbeat music]

Bye!

[spits]

[Sir Pentious] Well, if it
isn't my arch-nemesis!

Have you come to meet
your fate in battle, Cherri b*mb?

Apparently, I'm going out with Angel
and I got to drag your sorry asses along.

[Sir Pentious] Oh, oh, you and
me are going out back for fun?

I, I didn't think this
would ever happen.

What? What do I do?
What do I wear?

Don't f*cking touch me,
you munted dickhead!

[ethereal music]

[Charlie] Vaggie, look
at this place.

Its soooo clean!

Isn't that amazing?

Yep.
Super cool.

Heaven.

Wow.

Hiya! Welcome to Heaven.

Can I get your name, please?

Oh! Uhhh, uh, uh,
Charlie Morningstar!

Charlie Morningstar. Hmm.

[mumbles indistinctly]

I'm not seeing you
on my list here.

That's so odd.

Uh, um, my Dad got me this meeting, so maybe...

[Peter] Oh, Dad! Okay!

Try Lucifer Morning... star.

Oh, f*ck!

Yeah.
Hoooo, he he he.

Yikes. Am I right?

Are you sure you're
in the right place?

Because I think
you might be a little lost.

Oh, here we go.

No, uh... we're, we're here for
a meeting.

[Sera] Saint Peter.

We can take it from here.

Greetings, daughter
of the Morningstar.

I am Sera,
the High Seraphim of Heaven.

[Emily squeals

You are gifted to be here.

Hi, I'm Emily,
the other Seraphim.

Though you can call me Em!

Emmy, E, whatever you want.

I go by whatever.

[laughs]
Welcome to Heaven.

[church organ plays]
Dearly beloved,

it is my pleasure
to say unto thee.

[upbeat dance music]
♪ Welcome to Heaven ♪

♪ Oh-oh, where the
virtuous reside ♪

♪ 24/7 oh-oh ♪

♪ People are happy
that they d*ed ♪

♪ 'Cause here we got no
worries, got no burglaries ♪

♪ No strife ♪

♪ It's the perfect afterlife ♪

♪ Welcome to Heaven oh-oh ♪

♪ Check out our sick decor ♪

♪ The spirits leaven, oh ♪

♪ Please keep your
brimstone off the floor ♪

♪ We' ve got the best
and brightest ♪

♪ The politest of the lot ♪

♪ And everyone is hot! ♪

♪ Gosh, I'm so pleased to
show some outsiders around ♪

♪ After you see our realm ♪

♪ You'll never want
to go back down ♪

♪ Of course it is
just temporary ♪

♪ I'm sorry you can't stay ♪

♪ 'Cause every single day in
Heaven is a happy day ♪

♪ Welcome to Heaven ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

[song ends]
[pants]

[slurps]

Holy f*cking sh*t balls.

Am I seeing who I
think I'm seeing?

What is she doing here?

[pensive music]
How did she even get up here?

Who cares? I'm handling this sh*t right now.

Wait, you want to start a fight on
the promenade in front of everyone?

Better than waiting
for the f*cking extermination.

[ssshhh]

Sir,

what was the
Seraphim's one rule?

Uuuuuugh, "no one but
the exorcists can know about exterminations"

I know, fine.

[slurp]

Don't f*cking shush me, bitch.

[Adam and Lute jump]
You should listen to your lieutenant. Adam.

f*ck, Sera!

You can't sneak
up on a guy like that. Jeez.

Your Highness, forgive me,
but what are the hell-spawn doing here?

Well, you failed to
control the demons unrest

and now Lucifer is involved,

setting up an audience
for his misguided daughter.

I never would have agreed
to your... [Adam slurps]

yearly activities if I thought
it would bring trouble to our doorstep.

Keeping Heaven safe was
my only reason for allowing it.

What do you want from me?

I'm just one guy.

I want you to do whatever
you need to do

to keep this problem
from getting any worse.

Are we clear?

[sighs] Yeah.

Got it.

Okay. I love Heaven.

Vaggie did you see
the ice cream shop?

[excitedly] They had sprinkles made of rainbows!

Those are just rainbow
sprinkles.

Emily's going to take me to a zoo
where all the animals are actually soft!

You coming?

Uh, I need a break.

But hug a koala for me.

O.M.G.
Can you imagine an actual koala?

Ahhh, see you later.

Huh.

[knock at door]

[Adam] Hey there Vag-asaurus!

Charlie will be back soon.

You need to get out now.

I'm not looking for the blonde,
babe. I'm looking for you.

Why?

Maybe because you left the band.

You tried for a solo career.

Or I guess it's more of a...

duet!

I don't know what you're
talking about.

Do you really think I wouldn't
recognize one of my top girls

just cause you're
out of uniform?

[Adam] You were on
the front lines.

I wouldn't forget a
bad bitch like you.

It's why I named you
after the best thing ever...

Vaggie.

Actually, it's pronounced
Vaggie.

Mmmmm no!

Anyway, you sure f*cked
up, didn't you?

[screaming]
[frantic music]

[Vaggie quietly] Go, run. Now!

[spear clinks on ground]
[Vaggie gasps]

[Vaggie screams]

[Lute] Sinful filth like you
has no place in Heaven.

[epic music]
[Vaggie breathes deeply]

[footsteps approach]

[Adam] To think someone as
worthless as you landed Lilith's little hottie.

'Grats on that, I guess.

Their love is vile
and blasphemous.

Hot as f*ck though.

But I wonder what your bitch
would think if she found out

you are actually one of us.

Hmmm?

What do you want?

Simple. You work for me again and
at the hearing you're going to help me

shut this kindergarten snowflake
bullshit down for good.

Never.

Oh, yeah
You know, that's totally cool.

[sinister music] I guess I'll just
tell little miss butterflies and rainbows

that she's been f*cking someone
who's k*lled thousands of her people.

I'm sure your relationship
will be fine.

[happily]
See you in court!

[grandiose music]

[strained]
Oh no, not him again!

[Adam] What up, baby?

Saw that you went to my manager.

Low blow Karen.

[Sera] We are gathered here today to determine

whether or not a soul in Hell,

can be redeemed into the heavenly
realm by means of this Hazbin Hotel.

Princess Morningstar?

[sigh] Thank you, Seraphim.

[clears throat]

Webster's Dictionary defines
redemption as...

[Adam]
Objection, lame and unoriginal.

Sustained.

No further dictionary
references please.

Right, okay. Uh, uh... Uhhhh.
Mmmm.

If you have actual evidence,
then show it already.

We have a patron right now

who is making incredible
progress.

- [Adam] Who?
- Angel Dust.

Oh, yeah.
The p*rn demon.

He's totally worth being
redeemed. [blows raspberry]

Well, if you know so much.

What do you think it takes
to get into Heaven?

Ummm, w-w-well... Uhhhh.

Is everything okay, Adam?

Give me a f*cking minute,
okay?

[muttering]

"Act selfless, don't steal,
stick it to the man."

Are you f*cking serious?

Uh, yeah, sure got me here,
didn't it? [laughs]

Right, Sera?

He was the first human
soul in Heaven.

Well, I bet Angel is doing
all of those things right now!

Then let's f*cking see it, brah!
[fingers snap]

[wind howls]

[Charlie] Your Honors,
may I present exhibit A.

[nightclub music]

[Cherri] Woo! Isn't this place the f*cking best?

[Husk] I'll admit, "Consent" is
a good name for a sex club.

Niffty, dear, what
are you doing?

I'm sweeping! Urgh, look how icky it is in here!

That's because we're
at a club, dear.

Oh! I thought the hotel looked
different! [giggles]

Ms. b*mb,
I-I-I'd like to buy you a drink.

Why? Didn't you say we're arch-rivals?

Um... uh... because I'm buying
everyone a drink!

[cheering] [Patron] Free drinks! I love alcohol!

Good, I need a drink
after today.

You know, Val, he's into this
waterboarding sh*t now,

I don't know,
it's a kink.

Angel, enough with the Val
talk. He already ruined your whole day.

Don't let him ruin
your night, too.

Here, take one of these and
you won't be worrying about nothing.

Here we go.

Oh, look, the drunk sobered up
long enough to judge us.

I ain't the one trying
to get into Heaven.

Look, you want to
f*ck up all your progress?

Be my guest.

I just...
[sighs]

I just thought you were
better than that.

Thanks, Captain Buzzkill.

Come on Angie, let's get f*cked
up! It's been too long.

I, uhh, I don't know,

it's been a long night,
and I don't need to go too wild.

Hmmm.

Come on, bitch.

If you've really been working
that hard, you deserve a little R and R...

and some THC, or maybe
PCP with DMT.

Aw f*ck it, let's see
where the night takes us, huh?

I... I guess.

Cherri, I bought you a sh*t.

B-because I bought everyone
another sh*t! Hooray! [laughs]

[club goer] Yeah, another
drink! I love alcohol!

[gulping]
Aah... f*ck it, let's do it!

[huffs]

[Adam] Heavenly people,
what more do you need to see?

The p*rn star chose a
night of debauchery.

That's not a soul worthy
of being in Heaven!

Um, objection!

Are you really telling me
you've never had a drink with friends

at the end of a hard day?

Uh, we don't have hard days?

It's f*cking Heaven, bitch.

You seriously going to sit there
and pretend like this behavior is okay?

What do you think?

I... I... I have to
go to the bathroom.

What, Vaggie, can you hold it?!

[groans]
Angel will make good decisions.

[light ethereal music] Come
on, we have to keep watching.

Please.

[sighs]
Yeah. I don't know.

[Emily] Yeah,
let's give him a chance.

Very well.

The court will allow it.

[exclaims]
f*ck, yes!

I mean, heh, thank you.

[dance music plays]

Round twelve, mother f*ckers!

Heels are coming off!

[Angel]
Haha, Oh yeah, keep 'em comin'!

Come on, right here,
right to Daddy.

[Sir Pentious] Oh,
it's wonderful to have friends! [laughs]

Everything's spinny, hehe.

[Angel] Ha, I think
you're done, tiny.

No! Gimme gimme gimme!

Oh, come on, bitch,
she can handle a little more.

She's like ten pounds
soaking wet, and...

oh sh*t,
where'd she go?

Hey, f*ck!
[glasses smashing]

Dirty, dirty, make it clean!

Dammit, Niffty.

Sorry fellas, here,
next one's on me.

[fighting, arguing]

Niffty?

sh*t!

Chlorine... Bleach...

Angie... the f*ck are you
doing?

You're supposed to be relaxing,
not playing nanny.

Look, she ain't used
to this scene.

I just don't want her to end up
in the gutter like I used to.

Pfft, whatever, nerd.

Just catch up when you're done.

- [Niffty giggles]
- [Angel] Stop!

You can't take that.

God, Niff, why are you
bein' such a mess?!

[sobs]
I'm the mess?

[bawls]

Oh, oh sh*t! Hey, hey, hey...
calm down, ya ain't a mess.

It's fine... Ssshhh, hey,
you wanna play with the kitty?

[bawling stops]

[Niffty] Yeah.

[Husk] The f*ck is this?

She's wasted.

Just go with it.

Re-really?! Ugh, get the...

Ahhh, hey, wow!

Hey, so...

I see the club
has a sex room.

So, I was thinking, maybe you'd
want to, uhm...

do... a sex with me?

[snort]

I'm sorry, why would
we have sex?

Uh... uh... Um...

because I'm
having sex with everyone here!

[cheering]

[Pentious] Wait.

Get in here.

[door slams]

You know, we can do this
f*cking sh*t every f*cking night.

You don't have to spend
all your off hours

"working on yourself,"
you little bitch.

The hotel isn't a problem in his
life, it's...

[Angel] Valentino.

Exactly.

So why don't you...

No... Valentino.

Yeah, I'm here all the time,
they know me.

You're gorgeous... do you
need a job?

How many dicks
can you suck?

[Valentino] Ooh, I could
make you a star.

[Angel] Let's get the
f*ck outta here. Ok.

- Come on...
- [Valentino] Yeah, a star.

Where's Niffty?

[Valentino] p*rn star.

Okay, yup,
bring me another drink

or I'll
f*cking k*ll you.

[Nifty] Bad boy. Hehehehe.

[Valentino] I said I'll
f*cking k*ll you!

Excuse me.

- Pardon me.
- [Valentino] And I will.

Get out of my way.

[Valentino] Holy
sh*t, Angel Dust?

What are you doing here, baby?

You didn't get enough
d*ck today?

Funny.

Who's this chiquita?

You bringing me fresh meat?

[Valentino] Oi!

I just want a taste.

Ehh, weird, but there's
a kink for that, I'm sure!

[Angel] f*ck off, Val.

Excuse me?

I said f*ck off!

I may have to put up
with your bullshit,

but you ain't f*cking
with any of my friends.

You forget who you're
talking to?

I own you, bitch.

Yeah, you do, in the studio,

and you can do anything
you want to me there,

just like our deal says.

But out here, I get
to do what I want.

So once again,

f*ck off!

- [Angel coughs and splutters]
- Enjoy the rest of your night, bitch,

- [Angel breathes deeply]
- [Valentino] because I'm going to enjoy

making you pay for it tomorrow.

- [sinister music]
- [Cherri] f*cking dickhead.

f*ck it.

It was worth it.

[Husk]
Way to go, kid.

Ow!
What the f*ck?!

[Niffty chuckles]
For my collection. Hehe.

Wait up, guys!

Did you just call
these c**ts your friends?

Thought that was my job.

There's room for everyone,

[emotive music]
and ya know...

you could come crash
with us too.

Okay, look, Angie,

I'm glad this
hotel sh*t is workin' for you,

but you know me, bitch,

I'm doin' just fine.

In fact, I'm gonna f*ck the
next guy I see, okay?

But, if you need me,

you know where to find me, yeah?

[Pentious]
[panting]

Is Cherri still here?

[door slams]

Dammit!

[Charlie] See! He did
everything on your checklist!

He was selfless,

he stopped Nifty from stealing,

and he stuck it to
that moth man!

[Adam] Uhhh... Well, uh...

Then, then why
isn't he here then? Hm?

Yeah, why isn't he here?

[murmuring]

[Charlie] Wait,

none of you know
what gets someone into Heaven?

[Sera] This questioning
stops now.

We know when a soul arrives.

We know when they pass
divine judgment.

It is our job to ensure

these souls are safe.

[Light music] [Emily] ♪
But she was right, Sera ♪

♪ She showed us a
soul can improve ♪

♪ He saw the light, Sera ♪

♪ Checked all the boxes
that you said would ♪

♪ Prove a person
deserves a second chance ♪

♪ Now we turn our backs,
no second glance? ♪

[Sera] ♪ It's not as
simple as you think ♪

♪ Not everything is
spelled in ink ♪

[song builds] [Charlie] ♪ It's not fair, Sera ♪

[Vaggie] ♪ Careful Charlie
keep a cool head ♪

♪ No! Don't you care, Sera? ♪

♪ That just because
someone is dead ♪

♪ It doesn't mean they can't
resolve to change their ways ♪

♪ Turn the page ♪

♪ Escape infernal blaze ♪

[Sera] ♪ I'm sure you
wish it could be so ♪

♪ But there's a lot that
you don't know ♪

[music gets more intense] [Lute]
♪ What are we even talking about? ♪

♪ Some cr*ck-whore
who f*cked up already ♪

♪ He blew his sh*t
like the cocks in his mouth ♪

♪ This discussion is
senseless and petty ♪

[Lute and Adam together]
♪ There's no question to be posed ♪

♪ He's unholy, case closed ♪

♪ Did you forget that
"Hell is forever"? ♪

[Adam]
♪ A man only lives once ♪

♪ We'll see you in one month ♪

♪ Gotta say, I can't
wait to... ♪

[Sera] Adam...

♪ Come down and exterminate
you! ♪

- [Emily] ♪ Wait! ♪
- Adam] ♪ sh*t ♪

[Emily]
♪ What are you saying? ♪

♪ Let me get this straight ♪

♪ You go down there
and k*ll those poor souls ♪

- [Charlie] ♪ You didn't know? ♪
- [Adam] ♪ Whoops! ♪

[Lute] ♪ Guess the cat's out of the bag ♪

♪ What's the big deal? ♪

♪ Sera, tell me that
you didn't know ♪

[Sera]
♪ I thought since I'm older ♪

♪ It's my load to shoulder ♪

- [Emily] No.
- [Sera] ♪ You have to listen ♪

♪ It was such a
hard decision ♪

♪ I wanted to save you
the anguish it takes to ♪

♪ Do what was required ♪

♪ To think that
I admired you ♪

♪ Well, I don't need
your condescension ♪

♪ I'm not a child to protect ♪

♪ Was talk of virtue
just pretension? ♪

♪ Was I too naive
to expect you ♪

♪ To heed the morals
your purveying? ♪

[Charlie] ♪ That's what
the f*ck I've been saying! ♪

[Charlie and Emily] ♪ If Hell is
forever, then Heaven must be a lie... ♪

[Sera] Emily!

♪ If angels can do whatever
and remain in the sky ♪

♪ The rules are shades of gray
when you don't do as you say ♪

♪ When you make
the wretched suffer just to k*ll them again ♪

[downbeat melodic singing]
♪ I was told not to trust in angels ♪

[Adam] ♪ By her ♪

[Lute]
♪ Hah, she should know ♪

We should go.

♪ No! Don't you see? ♪

♪ We've come so close ♪

♪ Look at them fighting ♪

♪ They're at each
other's throats ♪

[Adam] ♪ Don't you act all high and mighty ♪

♪ Did you ever think
your little girlfriend might be a liar? ♪

[Vaggie gently]
♪ Don't, Adam, please! ♪

[Adam]
♪ What's the fuss? ♪

♪ Why hide the fact
that you're an angel ♪

♪ Just like us? ♪

[Epic music stings]

[sinister sting]

[Sera sighs and breathes deeply]

I'm sorry... but this
court finds that

there is no evidence souls
in Hell can be redeemed.

[Adam] Oh, f*ck yes! I win.

Suck it, b*tches.

You better save the date c**ts,

because we're coming
to your hotel...

first!
[sinister music builds]

[Charlie gasps] What?
No, no, you can't...

[Vaggie] Oh, you motherfu...
[both scream]

[Emily] Charlie! Don't
give up on this!

I'll figure something out.
I promise.

[Sera] That wasn't
uncalled for, Adam.

Yeah, but did you see
the looks on their f*cking faces? It was...

Ahem... sorry.

[Emily] Extermination... of
human souls.

Demon or not,
there is no reason to be doing this.

[Sera] They were
uprising, Emily.

It is my position as
the Head Seraphim

to protect our people
at all costs,

and it's your position

to keep them happy and joyful.

[Emily] How can I bring joy when I now know

we are bringing misery
to thousands of innocent people?

Heaven needs us, Emily.

Everyone looks to us

and we can't doubt
ourselves or worry

about the fates of demons

when we have our own
souls to protect.

Please, if you start
to question,

you could end up like Lucifer:
Fallen.

I couldn't bear to see you suffer that fate.

So please, let me worry
about this, okay?

[kisses lightly]

I'm sorry.

[end credit music]