01x03 - Chris Gets Hired

[bunniefuu]

As we all know, a certain someone

achieved a significant

milestone recently.

Keeran finally shaved that unsettling

peach fuzz off his upper lip!

- Oh!

- Wow.

As you can see, it's all gone!

- CYNTHIA: That's so much better.

- Big day!

- Huge day!

- Thank you, thank you.

What I was gonna say is

our very own Jen Hauser

has qualified for the upcoming Olympics!

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh!

[APPLAUSE]

CYNTHIA: Wow.

Feels like it got a little overshadowed,

but, uh, thank you!

DJ: In honour of your javelin journey,

and to show our support here at OMT,

we pooled our money together, and we

JEN: Oh, man, this is great.

You have no idea how

expensive it's been

DJ: ordered this life-sized

cardboard cut-out of you!

Ta-dah!

- Wow.

- Wow!

Really could have used the cash.

DJ: This will serve as a

reminder to our customers

that our employees aren't just

riff-raff off the street

Our employees are Olympians.

KEERAN: Jen

you're what dreams are made of.

CYNTHIA: Jen,

we are all so proud of you.

DJ: Now let's put this mama

jama in a place of glory

where everyone can see, huh?

Yeah.

- [LOUD THUD]

- Oh!

- Oh my God.

- Oh.

No big deal.

Gonna take more than

a bump on the noggin

to keep this champion down.

- Ha!

- [LOUD CRASH]

- Oh!

- Wow.

To Jen!

♪

Is that a sh*t at us?

I wouldn't read too much into it.

Okay, that felt personal.

Appreciate the captions, though.

That was a nice touch.

No, DJ, that was a slap in our faces!

We can't let him get away with this!

CYNTHIA: We could make an

advertisement of our own.

I have gone over the

financial implications and

No, I say

we Taylor Swift his sorry ass

sh**t a scathing revenge ad!

JEN: I'm with Wayne. Carlito wants beef?

We take him to the slaughter.

- Boom.

- Okay, relax, alright?

We're not gonna sh**t a revenge ad.

I'll just go talk to Carlito

and ask him to take the ad down.

He'll understand.

Carlito understand?

He hates you!

I know.

The man holds a grudge like

Alex Honnold holds a rock.

[AWKWARD SILENCE]

Still, I gotta at least try.

♪

CHRIS:

Thank you for coming to Sports Dynasty.

Excuse me!

No, no, no, no, I have direct orders

to never let you step foot in here!

It's really no big deal, man.

I just gotta talk to

Carlito for like one minute.

Look, man. I don't like this either!

I'm a pacifist at heart.

But you already know,

Carlito has a strict

"No DJ policy." Yeah, I know.

And I already lost my

bathroom privileges

after that dunk t*nk fiasco.

Man, this work environment

sounds terrible.

Why do you do it?

I got rent, I got bills.

Plus my son's starting hockey soon.

That ain't cheap.

At least you get an employee discount.

You'd think so, but Carlito says

that security doesn't count,

so no discounts.

And no birthday acknowledgements.

But birthdays are what makes us human.

That's what I said!

Here

25% off anything at OMT.

Come by sometime with your son.

Whoa. Thank you.

CARLITO: [BACKGROUND] Don't

forget to tell your friends

about Sports Dynasty.

Oh-ho!

Well, well, well!

If it isn't the gap-toothed gringo.

I just came by to say I

saw the new commercial,

and I'm sure it was an accident,

but it seemed like you were

subliminally dissing OMT.

Nothing subliminal about it, son.

sh*ts fired!

Okay, we're doing this.

You wanna step in here, or?

- I'd rather not.

- Smart man, Jerome.

It's actually Chris.

Looks like it's just you and me, payaso!

Ha ha ha!

Can't we just let sleeping dogs lie?

I would never forgive a dog

who did me dirty from behind!

I didn't ask to be made manager

over you, okay?

I've apologized like a hundred times.

Plus, you're doing great

here at Sports Dynasty.

Don't try to disarm my anger

with facts and logic, bro!

Maybe do a re-sh**t.

Something less personal.

But it is personal.

And personally ruining

you would make my ano.

Take a walk!

Vamanos, Tyrone.

♪

♪

JEN: Whoa. What is this?

Some sort of abstract

display for the store?

'Cause those are typically done,

you know, on the floor.

This, Jen,

is a recording booth for my podcast,

"Formidable Failures."

Yeah, your booth looks

like a formidable failure.

That's very cute.

So, wait, why are you doing this here?

Because my basement studio flooded.

Oh, you mean

your basement studio apartment?

Yes, I do. And luckily, goalie pads

provide adequate noise cancellation.

I have a huge guest coming in tomorrow,

and this is the best I could whip up.

Hopefully no one comes in

looking for goalie pads

in the meantime.

Yeah, and once you go to the Olympics,

- I could have you on as a guest.

- Oh, that's

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Eh, that's good.

The retaliation video's on.

KEERAN: What?

You heard me.

Carlito thinks he can muscle me?

I played puck for 13 years.

I got in 14 fights.

I broke a guy's collarbone once!

Damn, DJ!

It was an accident.

I was hugging my coach after a win.

I didn't know he had osteoporosis;

I still feel terrible about it.

The point is, I'm capable.

This is gonna be the "Hit

'em up" of commercials.

I don't know what that means.

I'll show you at lunch. It's vicious.

Who's got a camera?

I got a phone.

Oh, terrific.

That's why I [BLEEP] your [BLEEP]!

Here at One More Time sports,

we're nothing like

those big box [BLEEP],

those corporate greedy vultures [BLEEP]

who don't care about you.

All they care about is

[SUSTAINED BLEEPING]

When in reality,

they don't even celebrate birthdays!

What am I doing? This isn't me.

Yeah, I don't like this, DJ.

We can't stoop to their level.

When Sports Dynasty goes low,

we go high.

Michelle Obama.

- Hey, Chris!

- Hi.

You came!

25% off?

I'd be a fool not to.

Take five, buddy.

Uh-huh.

Hey, little man. I hear you play hockey.

Yeah.

Oh, we do accept

baseball and cricket bats

- Mm-hm?

- But, um

What is this?

Paint.

Jen, could you take

Keeran's Tuesday shift

so he can watch the girls'

volleyball practice?

Blue Bird?

The Hawk?

The what?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC NOTE]

I thought I would never see you again!

Well, I busted outta the clink.

So, still kickin', huh?

After all these years,

that is all you have to say to me?

Well, what do you want me to say?

That you look even more

irresistible than I imagined?

Are you saying you imagined me?

- [LIGHTER CLICKS]

- Every g*dd*mn day.

You're gonna have

to stub that stick, fella.

- You want a pull?

- No.

No, I haven't had a smoke

since the Lorenzo job.

You remember that one, don't you?

When we made love in the bank vault?

The only thing louder than our

b*ating hearts were the sirens.

I am so sorry that I never

visited you, Hawk.

I just couldn't bear

to see you behind bars.

Writing that goodbye letter

was the most excruciating thing

that I have ever done!

Did you get the polaroid

that I sent with it?

- I b*at my meat to it every day.

- Hm!

I pulled enough rope

to climb El Capitan.

Nice.

[GROWLING]

So, do you want cash for these, or

you doin' a trade-in?

- [CLEARS THROAT]

- Trade-in.

I ain't ready to leave this angel yet.

Something on your mind, Patrick?

If you're not a fan of the CCMs,

we got some Bauers, too.

What's the matter, Patty Cake?

It's just

I don't know.

I don't really want hockey skates.

Well, you need skates to play hockey.

I want figure skates, papa!

I've always wanted figure skates

but I was too afraid to ask.

Hey, never be afraid

to ask me anything, son.

I love you,

and I love any skates you choose.

Really?

Come here.

Ahh!

[EMOTIONAL MUSIC]

- I'm comin' in!

- Oof!

DJ: I hope nobody has osteoporosis!

CHRIS: Ah

♪

♪

Morning.

What's goin' on in here?

CYNTHIA: We're famous now, DJ.

KEERAN:

I think it's 'cause I posted the footage

from yesterday.

You wha?

That wasn't supposed to go out!

I said some terrible things

I've been trying to forget.

You mean like [LONG BLEEP]?

- Boy, you are a sponge.

- Don't worry.

I didn't post your rant.

I posted you with Chris and Patty Cake.

You caught that?

Whoa, people are loving it.

KEERAN: 2.7 million views!

DJ: Nice!

Wait

I hope Chris is okay with this.

What's up? No more pad pod?

My guest just cancelled.

There's no way I can replace

that calibre of failure

on such short notice.

What was so great about the guy?

He was the opposite of great.

Failed out of high school at 16.

Went back in his 70s, failed again,

and the stress of that

caused his marriage to

fail. He was perfect!

This must be very painful for you.

And I'd be getting all the details

if his stupid heart hadn't failed, too.

I need hockey tape now!

What happened to you?

Some, like, dipshit brakes on a yellow,

so obviously I, like,

ram into the back of him

and I spill my pho everywhere.

This totally soaks my phone.

I have to go to the store to buy rice

so that I can try to save my phone.

While I'm in there, some assh*le

rams into the back bumper.

So now I've got both bumpers of the car,

like, dangling like

friggin' dingleberries!

I love berries!

Anyways, I have to fix it

soon because chauffeurs have

this, like, totally draconian

rule that you have to have

"both bumpers attached to your car."

It's, like, so stupid.

- I got this!

- Uh, so we can

WAYNE: Pardon me.

How would you like to be

a guest on my podcast,

"Formidable Failures"?

We do fails and bails on an epic scale.

Ew, no. Hard pass.

- Give you 20 bucks.

- Oh, yeah, sure, done.

Okay.

DJ: Hey, hey!

- Hey!

- There's my viral co-star.

- What?

- Oh, you didn't see?

Yeah, we posted a video of

you and Patrick buying skates

and it's blowing up.

I just wanted to make sure

you're okay with that.

That's cool.

Explains why Patty was

Mr. Popular at drop-off.

CARLITO:

[BACKGROUND] You bring 'em back to me.

See ya later, little guy. Muah!

[BABY BABBLING]

I see the bargain

basement buffoon is back!

You better get out of my face, Carlito.

Don't tinkle in your trousers, bro.

My beef isn't with you today.

I thought you were

loyal to Sports Dynasty,

but you're nothing but

a two-timing turncoat!

Hey, calm down, Carlito.

Chris didn't do anything wrong.

Calm down?

CHRIS: See, I'm loyal. I'm very loyal.

Oh, you think you're funny? Funny guy?

No. I mean, I do enjoy comedy

Here's a joke!

You're fired!

How 'bout that?

DJ: Just to clarify, is that a joke?

"Is that a joke?"

Oh, you're a funny guy too, huh?

No, I'm genuinely unclear.

Well, check this out.

Knock knock!

- Who's there?

- He's fired!

I'm starting to think you

don't know what a joke is.

How 'bout this one?

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar

and he's fired!

Oh-ho, I'm so funny! Oh, snap!

I'm sorry, man.

Okay, so what kind of failure

are we gonna be talking about today?

Uh, failure of democracy,

failure of free-market capitalism,

failure to launch,

the hit rom-com starring

Matthew McConaughey

Yeah, who else was in that?

Uh, I think it was Sarah Jessica Parker?

That's right, you put

some g*dd*mn respect on her name.

But no, it's actually far

more personal than that.

[CLEARS THROAT]

So, have you ever

shat your pants in public?

Oh my God, ew, no.

What kind of question is that?

- That's the ice-breaker.

- That's not an ice-breaker.

And no,

I've never shat my pants in public.

[QUIETLY] I have.

But DJ has.

Oh? Do tell!

JEN: Whoa!

- THE HAWK: Blue Bird!

- [DRAMATIC MUSIC NOTE]

You came back!

I knew you wanted me to.

But I can't linger.

Run away with me!

Let's hightail it outta

this whistle stop!

Where would we go?

Wherever the wind blows us, baby.

Maybe Mexico.

Probably Winnipeg.

But I'm not that person anymore.

I I have a job and a loving family.

Ooh

You see, that sounds like a

whole lot of commitment, sugar.

Now, imagine

burning it all to the ground!

Doesn't that make your spine tingle?

Oh, it makes something tingle.

- [GROWLS]

- But, I-I can't.

- Hmm?

- I found God.

Good for you.

The only thing I found

was a shiv in my kidney.

- [DRAMATIC MUSIC NOTE]

- Oh!

Oh blue bird! You kept it!

How could I not?

Please don't hate me, but

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Oh, you lengthened the wings

and shortened the beak.

I couldn't handle the sight of a hawk

so I made it a falcon.

I'll be back at 3.

If you ever loved me,

you'll be ready to go.

But my shift ends at 4!

Well

I wanna avoid rush hour.

Oh.

♪

♪

No one else is getting this, huh?

CHRIS:

I can't thank you enough for this job.

My aversion to conflict ends today.

I will be the best damn

security guard OMT has ever had.

Well, you'll be the only one

we've ever had.

For real?

I'm kind of against security

guards on a philosophical level,

but, uh, if I'm gonna

renounce my core belief,

I'm happy it's for a great guy like you.

[QUIETLY] We got this.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

I believe in you.

[LOUDLY] Hey!

Receipt!

You're the nice man from the video.

CHRIS: That's right,

and if this sticky-fingered

sonofab*tch don't show me

his receipt right now,

nice guy from the video

'bout to snap his neck off!

Chris, you don't really

have to do that

I got you, man.

NAT: This other time,

he's trying to impress a girl,

- so he's popping a wheelie on his bike.

- Uh-huh?

Falls off. Immediate skull fracture.

- Ah!

- [LAUGHTER]

This other time,

he got locked in a bathroom stall

for 24 hours and he had to

drink toilet water to survive.

[LAUGHS]

I mean, you could live

without water for three days.

- I know, he didn't need to!

- [LAUGHTER]

It's actually hurting! Oof.

Okay

But let's get down to his

biggest failure of all,

going from playing pro hockey

to managing a used sporting goods store

in his hometown of Korverton, Ontario.

That's pretty pathetic. [LAUGHS]

What do we think happened there?

I'm sorry,

what did you just say about my brother?

I, uh what?

Who the hell do you think you are?

[QUIETLY] I'm Wayne.

You must be as dumb as you

look if you seriously think

that I'm gonna let some

part-time OMT lifer

diss my big bro like that.

[QUIETLY] I'm actually full-time.

I mean, what is missing from

your pathetic, lonely life

that you reap so much pleasure

from other people's pain?

This week's sponsor is Email Rat.

Uh, give an email to a rat.

You stealin' hand pumps?

That's my puffer!

Then next time declare

it before you enter

to avoid confusion!

I This is why we conduct interviews.

And, oh, I don't know, check references!

Come on, it's not that bad.

CHRIS: Now who's just browsing?!

Yeah

the forcible confinement's a bit much.

There's no easy way to say this,

but this security guard thing

isn't quite working out.

What? How so?

Well, for one, people don't

want to shop in a police state.

And also,

that tape you used to tie that guy up

could have ripped the

hair right out of his arm.

I couldn't have done this

much longer, anyway.

That level of aggression

is spiritually draining.

I bet.

FYI, that tape

wouldn't have done any damage.

Clarke brand hockey tape

doesn't adhere to human skin.

It's one of their selling features.

Huh, good to know.

Anyway

I'll bounce back!

Like Mario Lemieux when he was

out with Hodgkin's lymphoma,

then returned and still

won the scoring title!

What an inspiration.

Well

So long.

I'm taking these.

Just put 'em on my tab.

WAYNE: Hey, Nat. May I have a word?

[SIGHS] Sure.

Yeah, I just want to thank you.

You know, you really got me thinking

about my own shortcomings,

and how the glee I take

in other people's pain

is really just stemming from

unexamined childhood trauma

Yeah, obviously.

So from now on, I vow to turn the lens

away from strangers

and onto myself instead.

Well, that's very mature of you.

- Well, all the best.

- CUSTOMER: I didn't get it?

But being a fine dining

waiter is my calling!

Ow!

[BOXES CRASHING]

CUSTOMER: Don't hang up!

[LAUGHS]

Uh [CLEARS THROAT]

Geez, gosh, I hope he's not hurt.

[STICKS RATTLING]

Those sticks sure are a hazard.

CUSTOMER: Are you still there? Hello?

Ah

Okay, yeah, you know what?

Just, you do you, dude.

- Go, go.

- Oh-ho!

We've got a Wayne on the street segment

with "Formidable Failures"

with a daily dose of schadenfreude.

Scale of 1 to 10,

how is your shame right now?

- Huh?

- Oh, and he's a wordsmith too!

My goodness!

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

CHRIS: [ECHOING VOICE]

Still won the scoring title!

Doesn't adhere to human skin

CARLITO:

[ECHOING VOICE] A priest and a rabbi

walk into a bar

DJ: Chris, wait!

You take that shirt off.

What?

And put this on.

- What?

- You are not a security guard.

That much we know.

But your positive attitude

and your sports knowledge

make you a natural sales associate.

- Welcome to the OMT squad.

- Huh!

- This has been a roller coaster of a day.

- Yeah.

Oh, hey, Cynth. I re-hired Chris.

I know I should have run it

by you first, but

Great, whatever!

JEN: Oh, come on!

What's it gonna be, Blue Bird?

It is a resounding

SWAT 1: On your knees, The Hawk!

[GASPS AND SCREAMS]

THE HAWK: Gah, impossible!

How did you find me?

SWAT 1: Our cyber team spotted you

in the deep background of a viral video.

I can't believe you recognized me!

SWAT 1:

I never forget the juicy booty of an ex.

Is someone sh**ting a movie here?

Shut up, this is the best part!

Little Sparrow! My Medellin mistress!

[SIGHS]

THE HAWK:

How could you have betrayed me?

I was desperately in love with you.

- Oh!

- [DRAMATIC MUSIC NOTE]

THE HAWK: I had to keep my options open,

Blue Bird.

- Are you Blue Bird?

- I thought you were Blue Bird!

I would have done

anything for you, Hawk

until I found out you'd

been cheating on me

with my twin sister!

- [ALL GASP]

- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Hummingbird?!

How could this be?

That was a twist!

- Cuff him.

- [ALL EXCLAIMING]

Run away with me!

I pleasure myself to you every day,

both of you!

All of you!

[IN DISTANCE] Por favor

What the hell was that all about?

What was what about?

NARRATOR: [VIDEO] The majestic

hawk soars through the air,

revelling in its freedom as it

- Crazy day, huh?

- Yeah!

It's not every day the SWA

team busts a handsome whack job

going on about insects.

- I think it was birds.

- Oh, was it?

I I don't know. Hmm!

- You okay?

- Yeah!

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm good!

Thanks.

Okay.

DJ?

Yeah?

Do you ever wonder if

you made the safe choice

as opposed to the right choice?

I assure you, Cynthia,

you made the right choice.

NARRATOR: [VIDEO] and potential.

[HAWK SHRIEKING]

NARRATOR: But even the hawk

is not without its predators.

[EAGLE CALLS]

NARRATOR: In one arresting swoop,

the eagle descends upon the hawk,

tearing its heart out of its chest.

[BONES CRUNCHING]

NARRATOR: As always,

mother nature be wilin'.

Hm!

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪