(Hip-hop beat)
♪
(Loud cheering, applause)
(Hip-hop beat)
♪
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yes!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
Sit down!
Sit down!
Put the microphone
Stand down.
I ain't got me lookin'
Small out here,
Don't everybody know
The truth?
(Audience laughing)
What's going on,
Is everybody doing good?
Everybody good?
I like that.
In a good mood,
I like that.
Y'all look good.
If you're not good,
You look good.
Lot of shit is going on
In my life right now.
Just had another baby,
I got two babies now.
Just had a son--
(Audience cheering)
--Not too long ago.
Yup, they both mine.
I can't say shit about it
Either, they both mine.
Two kids,
Two car seats.
That's depressing
Right there.
You ever try and talk
To a girl
With car seats
In your car?
It won't happen,
It's depressing, man.
"“Come here, baby, let me talk
To you for a second."”
"“Uh-uh, what's that
In the back?"”
"“Bitch,
Look at me.
Don't focus on
The negative.
Just look at
The positive now,
I'm tryin'
To talk to you
About some serious
Stuff now."”
Kids, man.
Kids change
Your life.
Make you realize
How things are different.
I know I'm getting older
Now because of my kids.
I'm starting
To fuss a lot.
The older you get
That's what you do,
You just
Wake up angry.
I don't know what
The hell I be mad at, ha.
You just
Wake up mad.
When you got more
Than one kid
You just wake
Up angry.
"“Hey, who got the ah,
Thing with the shit in it,
Aight now,
Where's--aight, hey!
Heads in beds,
Right now!"”
I don't even know
What that means.
"“Heads in beds"”,
That's my shit.
(Audience laughing)
My son, I just yell
At my son
'‘Cause he nine months,
You know he's a man though,
So I yell at him
Just because.
Ha, I get mad.
Hold your head
Still, boy!
He--
(Audience laughing)
All day.
(Audience laughing)
That shit so damn
Embarrassing,
That shit piss
Me off, man.
You know how stupid
That make you look
When company come over
Your baby just--
(Audience laughing)
What's wrong with
Your baby?
I don't know, that--
Put him on his stomach,
He still
Be tryin'--
(Audience laughing)
It's my damn
Kid, though.
I didn't know that you
Can get mad at kids
To a point where
You want to fight.
That you could want
To fight a kid, man.
Kids are assholes.
Like my daughter
Is a assh*le.
(Audience laughing)
She is,
Like we argue,
Me and my daughter
Honestly argue.
She can't even talk,
She know a couple words, right,
She can put a couple
Sentences together.
But it's like every time
I tell her something
She always got
Something to say back.
It don't matter
What I say,
She always gotta
Give me something back.
And it make me mad,
We got into an argument
Over juice the other day.
She came into
The room,
She was like,
"“Daddy, juice."”
Said, "“no, you had
Enough juice,
Go get some water."”
And she looked at me,
She was like--
(Speaking gibberish)
(Audience laughing)
(Speaking gibberish)
"“Juice!"”
And I looked at her,
I--"“who the f*ck
You think you
Talkin' to?
Sit your little ass down
And get the g*dd*mn--"”
I was so mad,
I was mad because
I knew she knew
What she was tryin' to say,
She just didn't know
How to say it,
You know what
I mean?
Like, in her mind
She was like,
"“You black midget bitch,
Get the--
Get the juice,
Punk-ass daddy."”
I knew that's
What she was saying.
I could tell by
Her hand movements.
She--all this--
(Speaking gibberish)
She's like, "“you black
Midget bitch, get the--"”
I was so mad.
Wanted to punch her
Right in the throat.
(Audience laughing)
That's my damn
Baby, though.
That's my daughter, man.
I'm so protective
Of my kids, though,
I really am.
I don't even like
Taking my kids out
That much no more.
'‘Cause I get into arguments
With the other kids.
I think kids play
Too rough, I do.
Me and this boy got into
It at chuck e. Cheese.
It wasn't--
It wasn't a fight,
It was an
Altercation.
We got into
A little altercation
Because my baby
Was in the balls,
He was throwing the balls
At my daughter head.
Throwin' the balls,
Hit my daughter
Right in the head.
Bow!
My daughter so damn stupid
She thought it was a game.
She playin'.
(Audience laughing)
Ha-ha, she like,
"“Daddy, look!"”
So I'm gettin' mad, I'm like,
"“Throw a ball back!"”
I'm pissed off,
I look at my son,
He just lookin'
At the shit, he--
(Audience laughing)
I was mad at the way
My family looked as a unit.
Like we--we didn't
Look good as a unit, man,
Like--my daughter,
She takin' balls to the face,
My son shakin' his head
And slobberin', I'm small.
We look like
A f*ckin' circus act.
I was so pissed off.
I got--i've never been
So mad at my wife in my life.
I was like, "“why would you
Dress us in different colors?
We look like clowns.
From now on,
Solid colors when we go out,
We look like a team,
Solid colors."”
(Audience laughing)
My damn kids,
Though, man.
You gotta accept your--
Accept what you have.
Accept the life
That you chose.
I don't mind the pressure
That comes with kids, though.
I can take
That pressure.
I don't like the pressure
That women put on men.
I think women put way too much
Pressure on men, they do.
Y'all don't
Even realize
How much pressure
You put on men.
Is that your lady
Right there, man?
All right, how long
Y'all been together?
All right, so you know what
I mean when I say "“pressure"”.
She expects a lot
From you,
She wants you to, to provide
For her, and protect her,
Whether you realize
It or not, she do.
Like right now,
If a fire break out right now,
Big ass fire, poof!
Go up in flames,
First thing she gonna do
Is look at you.
"“Like, oh!"”
(Audience laughing)
"“Uh, hmm?"”
You gotta come up
With a plan in her mind.
You know, "“baby,
Get on my back,
I'm gonna bust us
Out of here."”
She want to--
She want to hear something
Stupid like that.
"“Bitch, you better
Stop, drop and roll,
And find
That exit.
I'm scared too."”
But that's what
Women want.
Women like
That security.
I'm a great provider,
I got money,
I can pay for stuff,
I don't mind that.
I'm not a protector.
That's where,
That's where,
I'm like not that guy,
You know what I mean?
Like women, you want
Every guy to fight for you,
That's not me,
I'm not a fighter.
I won't say
That I am,
I will never
Pretend to be.
That's not
Who I am.
Prime example, lets say me
And you go to the movies, right?
We at the movies,
We havin' a good time.
Out of nowhere
Some guy come up,
Smack you in the face
Real hard.
If you with me
Then you just got smacked,
That's something
That just--
I'm being honest,
All right?
I'm not, I'm not
Gonna do nothin' about it.
Now, we can talk about it
When we get in the car,
Let's, let's figure out
Why it happened,
And, and see
What we can do
To prevent it from
Happening again.
But, as far as me
Like just going
And doing something
About it,
I'm not gonna
f*ckin' do it.
Because if he didn't
Care about your face,
I know he don't
Give a f*ck about mine.
That's, that's
Common sense.
Two, two black eyes
Ain't gonna get us home.
Somebody got
To drive,
That's what
I'm good at.
I'm a witness,
I saw everything.
When, when he
Hit you
I got behind
The vending machine
'‘Cause I didn't want
Him to know
That we were
Together,
It's none of his business
Who I'm with.
I can't believe
He kicked you when you fell,
That, that's where
I got upset
'‘Cause you gave up.
You didn't want
To fight no more.
Why would he put
His boot to your face?
That's just
Disgusting to me.
He should be shot.
Seen too many people
Get knocked out,
That's why I don't
Like to fight, man.
You ever see somebody
Get knocked out, man?
Like knocked out,
I'm talkin' about in person.
Like you,
You witnessed
Somebody get knocked
The hell out.
It changes your opinion
On fighting, doesn't it?
When you see somebody
Get knocked out,
You don't want
To fight no more.
Like damn, that shit
Look like it hurt.
I don't, I don't know
If I want to--
I saw somebody
Get knocked out,
Me and my boy
We at a club, right?
We havin'a good time,
We partyin'.
Mm, mm, get money.
Mm, mm, get money.
We havin'
A good time, right?
Out of nowhere--
That's how we party,
'‘Cause we both small,
We don't--
I don't hang
With tall people.
It was just us.
Mm, mm--right?
So, out of nowhere
He get into an argument
With this guy
At the bar,
The guy at the bar
Got mad,
Punched my boy
In the face--bow!
Soon as he hit him,
My friend fell asleep.
(Snoring sounds)
(Audience laughing)
Now, when he woke up
He got mad at me,
He was like, "“kev, how come
You ain't get him?"”
And I was like,
"“You know what,
That's some
Selfish shit
Because I just saw
What he was capable of.
You know what I mean, like he,
He made you go to sleep,
I'm not tired,
I'm wide awake.
I took a nap.
Why would I walk right
Into that ass-whuppin'?
That's stupid.
If he hit me
And I go to sleep,
Who gonna wake
Who up,
You understand
What I'm sayin'?"”
I don't, I don't want
That problem.
Ain't nobody tryin'
To fall asleep at a bar,
That's how you
Get r*ped.
Everybody knows
The percentages of r*pe
Happen when people
Fall asleep at a bar.
I promise you.
I'm just tellin' y'all
The stuff that I know.
I saw my uncle
Get knocked out one time.
That might have been
The funniest shit
I've ever seen
In my life.
We was at
A family reunion.
First of all,
It's a family reunion,
It's a picnic.
There's kids
And shit around,
It's a time
For fun.
My uncle got drunk,
He got into an argument
With this guy
Over picnic space.
He was like, "“hey, man,
You and your kids,
Y'all not
No harts,
Y'all need to get the hell
Out this picnic space."”
And the guy was, you know,
The guy was like,
"“Look, dude,
I don't mind moving,
But don't curse at me
In front of my kids."”
And my uncle's drunk,
He went to curse again,
Before he got it out
The guy hit him.
You ever see somebody
Get hit so hard
They try to grab everything
On the way down?
(Audience laughing)
It happened
So fast,
He was like,
My uncle was like,
"“Let me tell you something,
f*ck you--"”
(Loud thump)
(Audience laughing)
The shit that
Made me laugh
Is that he was lookin' at him
The whole way down.
(Audience laughing)
I was like,
"“Just go down, fall,
Shit, man, you're messin'
Up the picnic."”
Change came out
His pocket.
I ain't never seen
Somebody get hit so hard
That change
Come out they jeans
When they
Standin' up.
You know how hard
A n*gga gotta hit you
For loose change
To come out your jeans?
Soon as he got hit,
35 Cent flew out his pocket.
It was like--
Bow, money!
I said, "“g*dd*mn.
He just knocked 35 cents
Outta uncle rich's
Jean pocket."”
I ain't never seen
Nobody get hit that hard.
These are things
That I've seen.
I've witnessed
This, man.
You gotta know who you are
As an individual,
If you're
Not a fighter,
Understand that you're
Not a fighter.
I know I'm not
A fighter,
That's why I carry
A whistle.
I'll blow the shit out of
A whistle in somebody face.
f*ck with me if you want to,
You gonna win the fight,
But you ain't gonna
Hear shit tomorrow, bitch.
(Whistling)
Put that whistle
In your face, bitch.
It's kind of hard
To fight a whistle.
Gotta know what
You're good at,
What you're
Not good at.
I'm a good arguer.
I can argue.
But I also--
You also gotta know
How to get out
Of things when you argue.
You ever argue
With somebody,
And then they get up,
And then your mind,
You know, you feel a little
Different about the fight?
You gotta know
How to get out of it,
You don't have to fight when
You don't think you gonna win.
There's certain things you
Can do to let a person know
That you're not
Ready to fight.
I was arguing
With this guy,
We at a club,
He's sittin' down,
I'm like, "“dude,"”
I said, "“you know what,
Say something else to me,
I promise you,
I'ma smack the shit
Out you.
And I mean that,
Say somethin' else,
I'ma smack the shit
Out you."”
Like, that's my
Thug look right there.
You know,
You know thugs
Get to clappin'
Their hands and stand up?
"“Say something else,
On everything I love
I'ma smack the shit
Out you, b, for real."”
And he got up,
And he was bigger
Than I thought he was.
I was like,
"“Come on,
Give me a hug,
Bring it in."”
(Audience laughing)
"“I'm serious,
This is stupid.
Come on, man.
There's no reason
For us to--
You can't fight
Nobody doing this.
Come on, man."”
There's ways to
Let people know
That you don't
Want to fight.
I got one
Fight move.
If you get past that,
I don't,
I don't know what to do,
I'm confused.
I'm gonna let y'all see some
Classified shit right now.
This is classified, okay?
This is
My fight move.
"“What?
Who you talkin' to?"”
Don't make me laugh,
This is serious.
All right?
This is serious
Right now.
I'm about to show y'all
My fight move, all right?
"“What?
Who you talkin' to?
Dude, you don't
Know me--
Don't, don't talk like
You know me!
Bitch, say somethin' else,
Say some--"”
(Audience laughing)
That's it.
(Applause)
That's it.
It's real quick.
That's classified,
All right?
I'll show y'all
One more time.
You get one more
Peek at it,
I'ma give
Y'all one more
Chance to see it,
All right?
It's real quick.
"“What?
Who you talkin' to?
Dude, you don't
Even know me.
You don't even know--
Say somethin'--
Say somethin' else!"”
That's it, that's all--
That's all it is.
It's a quick shuffle
Of the feet,
That's all I got.
If you get past that,
I'm done.
I don't know
What to do.
It confuses people.
You can either think
I'm about to kick you,
Punch you,
Happy feet,
You don't know
What it is.
It's a lot
Of different combinations
That come across
With that move.
(Scattered laughter)
(Offscreen)
-Female #1: oh shit!
-You gotta know
What you're good at
As an individual, man.
I don't know,
I'm good at seeing things,
I'm good at
Noticing things.
Like, I remember, one of my
Friends got jumped one time.
And I was with him,
I ran.
The reason why I ran,
Is because I saw it comin'.
Like you know, like, you know
When you see stuff coming,
You start to break it down
On your own?
"“Wait a min--
Oh shit, wait,
Oh no, this don't
Look good.
They look angry.
Oh!"”
I took off.
I'ma tell you what's bad
About runnin' on somebody.
It's real bad
When you run on somebody,
And they survive
The jumping.
Like, like, like--
'‘Cause then when you see '‘em,
You don't know
What to say.
Like I didn't know
What to say to him.
I was like, "“hey!
Look who's alive,
Hey, man!
How'd you make it
Out of there?
Up top!
No, nothing?
All right."”
(Audience laughing)
"“No, up top,
Nothing?
All right."”
I saw,
I saw somebody
Get kicked
In the face before,
That shit
Was funny.
I think if you get kicked
In the face you deserved it,
Because that mean
That you watched
The foot come
To your face.
Got to be
A assh*le
To fight somebody
Using they feet.
The person I saw
Get kicked in the face,
The reason why
I laughed
Is because when
He got kicked
He looked at us
For confirmation.
Like he, like he needed
Approval on what just happened.
He's like, "“ah--
Yo, shit, yo!"”
(Audience laughing)
"“It was him, yeah,
It was--"”
Better look at
His other foot
Before he kicks
You again,
He's good,
That guy's good.
He knows what
He's doing.
Would you fight somebody
Using their feet, man?
Like, if we gonna fight,
I'm gonna tell you
Put your hands up.
Put your hands up,
Let's fight.
Now, if I go
To fight you,
And you start
Stretchin'--
(Audience laughing)
That mean you know
Some shit I don't know,
I'm not gonna
Fight you.
I had a incident
Where a guy started--
Well, he tried,
He didn't use it on me,
But he was gonna
Attempt to use his feet.
I was with
My mom, right?
Me and my mom, we in
The parking lot of best buy,
I'm lookin'
For a parking space.
Now, all the spaces
Was tooken,
But there was one truck
About to back
Into this parking spot
But he was taking too long,
So I got mad,
I stole it.
I whipped into
The spot real fast.
Ah, ah.
Like, you know
When you're wrong
'‘Cause you put
Your head down,
And roll your
Windows up.
You don't want
To look at him,
You start humming--
(Humming)
(Audience laughing)
Out of nowhere,
The guy got out of the truck,
He was like,
"“Yo, man,
I know you saw me about
To back into that spot.
Either you back out,
Or we gonna have a problem."”
Chinese guy,
All right?
Now, I'm with my mom, so I
Ain't gonna be no bitch.
I was like, "“well, I guess
We got a problem."”
This is how I know
I didn't want this problem.
This is exactly
What he did to me.
He was like,
"“Oh, so we got a problem?
Hm, do we?"”
(Slapping sounds)
(Audience laughing)
"“No."”
(Audience laughing)
"“Get, get in the car,
Get in the car, mom."”
Anybody that smack they knees
Twice is an assassin.
They about to kick your
g*dd*mn temple off your face,
That's what he
About to do.
My mom trying--
"“Why we--"”
"“Get in the g*dd*mn car
Before he k*ll us, mom!"”
(Audience laughing)
Know who to fight,
And who not to fight, man.
I would love
To be a thug.
I swear I wish
I could be a thug.
I don't have
It in me.
Like, I don't have those
Thug qualities in me.
I was actually talking
To this thug dude,
I was in d.c. Not too
Long ago, right?
And, I talked
To this guy,
We might have talked
For about 15 minutes.
I swear to you,
I don't know
What we were
Talkin' about.
But he was
So passionate
About the stuff
That he was saying,
That's the only reason why
I stayed there to listen.
This is exactly what he said,
It's not even a joke,
This is exactly how
He was talkin' to me.
He's like,
"“You know what I mean?
I'm talkin' to
The dude, right,
Me and him, we talkin'--
He talkin'--
'‘Whoa, whoa, whoa,
Whoa, whoa, right, right,'
So I'm like,
'‘Ahh, ahh, right?'
You know
What I mean?
He come at me,
I'm like,
'‘Hey,' you know what
I'm saying, here.
You get that,
You know what I'm sayin',
Flip that, press that,
Ah, ah, ah, ah!
Everybody getting money.
Ah, ah, bird man,
You know what I'm sayin'.
I'm talkin' and shit,
You know what I mean--
(Speaking gibberish)
(Screaming)
Right, right?
(Screeching gibberish)
You know what
I'm sayin'?
He came back--
I was like ahh!
(Purring sound)
I looked up,
He was dead."”
I said, "“whoa, what,
Wait a--wait a second."”
Back up, back--
Oh, who k*lled him?
Who--who--wait--
I was so confused
I thought I was a witness,
I said,
"“Did I see this?
Was I there?
I, I don't want
To be a part of it,
Is what I'm saying."”
I never been so afraid
In my life, man.
(Audience laughing)
I just don't do good
With thug stuff.
Thug activity.
I had one thug dude
Tell me
He was gonna pop the trunk
On me one time.
He's like,
"“Say somethin' else,
I'm gonna pop the trunk
On your bitch ass."”
Everybody ran.
I was like,
"“Well, where'd you park?"”
(Audience laughing)
He looked at me
Like I was crazy.
"“Man, get out
Of there!"”
"“I just wanted to know
How far it was, I can--
I might not have
To run,
We could catch a train
And still get home."”
(Scattered laughter)
Wish I could be
A rapper or some shit.
I really do.
You know why I can't be
A rapper, though, man?
'‘Cause my voice
Ain't deep enough.
To be a rapper
You need a deep voice,
That's the only way
People gonna want
To listen to you
On a regular basis.
I don't think nobody
Would buy my album
'‘Cause my voice
Is too small.
♪ Yeah, bitch,
I'm a k*ller ♪
♪ I sh**t you
In your face ♪
♪ Pew-pew ♪
♪ Everybody
Gonna die ♪
♪ Pew-pew ♪
♪ Everybody gonna
Die tonight ♪
"“Did he just say,
'‘Pew-pew'?
I'm not buying that shit
If he said '‘pew-pew',
Ain't no way i--"”
Certain shit just
Keeps you from being tough.
You want
To know what's
Really keeping me
From being tough?
Look at this,
This is really holding me back,
Look at this shit here,
Look at this.
Look at this shit,
Look at this shit here.
This is really
f*ckin' me up, man.
'‘Cause ain't nothin'
Tough about this,
It don't matter
What you say,
Ain't nobody gonna
Take you serious
If you swing
Your feet.
It don't matter.
I will k*ll everybody
In this bitch tonight!
I ain't f*ckin'
Playin' wit' y'all,
Y'all think
It's a game?
No, I'm sick of it,
I'm sick of the way
People treat me
Around here.
Would you to talk to a guy
Who swung his feet?
You at the club
And I try to talk to you.
"“Come here, baby, let me
Holla at you for a second.
You, girl, you know
Damn well who I'm talkin' to.
Wait a second,
Let me climb down
And get my feet together,
Wait a minute now!"”
Rappers make me
Laugh, though.
I swear rappers
Are funny, man.
You ever see
Rappers freestyle?
Like when the be
Battling each other?
You ever notice
The more angry a rapper get,
The higher his
Hands get?
You ever
Notice that?
Like, like they
Start off so calm,
Like, there's rappers
When they freestyle,
Like the dude
Just a dude,
When he be listening
To the other guy.
(Audience laughing)
"“You ready?"”
"“No, I got him,
I got him, b."”
Ha, wait, this is really
How they be, look, look.
(Audience laughing)
(Clapping)
♪ Real talk ♪
Wait, look--
(Audience laughing)
(Applause)
Hey, ha, is that--
Is that a rapper?
I'm really trying to be
A rapper right now.
Like this, this--
This is the real
Angry rapper.
♪ Real talk ♪
♪ I k*ll n*gg*s ♪
♪ I slay n*gg*s
That don't love it ♪
♪ n*gga you want
To beat me to get it ♪
♪ I get it back ♪
Oh shit!
(Applause, cheering)
The other dude,
He's so confused,
"“Oh shit,
This n*gga's crazy,
He's about to--"”
He be trying to
Follow his hands,
"“He's like, he's crazy!
He's about to k*ll me,
He's gonna cut me
Or something.
I can't be
That guy, man.
I want to be.
There's so much stuff
That I wanted to do
That I'm realizing now
That I can't do.
Like I wanted
To be a singer,
I wanted to be a r&b singer
For a long time.
But I can't sing
But I can dance my ass off.
If anybody in here
Is trying to be a singer,
I'm about to tell you what
You need to know to make it.
All right?
Here's some more
Classified stuff.
All you need to
Know how to do
Is open your hands,
Close '‘em, and point.
That's it.
I know it sound crazy,
Y'all like, what?
But I'm tellin' y'all,
It look good, watch this.
I'm not gonna
Sing nothin',
But tell me
This don't look
Like I'm about
To say some stuff.
Look at this.
(Audience laughing)
(Audience cheering)
"“Oh shit!
He gonna
Say something!
What he gonna
Say, girl?"”
That, or the slide out.
You know what
The slide out is?
You ever see
A old group,
When an old group
Be in the thing,
Like the temptations
Or somebody,
You never know
Who the lead singer is
So they slide out,
And they be like this.
They slide out
And start singing on you.
That's the best
Shit ever.
'‘Cause they be
Talkin' shit.
They like, "“these b*tches
Don't even know
What's about
To hit '‘em.
I'm about to
Slide out on '‘em."”
♪ Ooh ♪
He's good, this guy's good,
He's good.
(Audience laughing)
I was workin' out
And everything.
Serious about
My singing career.
Had to stop
Workin' out,
Some naked guy tried
To talk to me in the gym,
I ain't like that.
He was ass-naked trying to
Have a conversation with me
While I was
At my locker.
I'm gettin' my stuff
Out my locker,
He came up to me,
He's like,
"“Hey, man, so how long
You been a member?"”
And I said,
"“Why is your d*ck hard?
What kind of gym
Is this?
What's about to
Happen, man?"”
I got
A little butt,
That's the first thing
I think about.
I didn't have
My whistle,
If I had my whistle,
I would've felt better.
I didn't want to ask for
A hug '‘cause he was hard,
I don't want that shit
Pokin' me in the bellybutton,
That's kind of like
Intercourse a little bit.
I didn't want
To feel that.
I might have
Been gay.
You put it in
My bellybutton, I'm gay.
"“You gay?"”
"“Yeah, he put it
In my bellybutton,
That's gotta
Be gay!"”
(Audience laughing)
I'm serious,
I'm just tellin' y'all
The stuff that
I know,
These are things that
I've been through, man.
I really was serious
About working out.
You honestly
Want to know why
I stopped going to
The gym though?
I saw one of them
Real strong guys.
You ever see those
Real big dudes,
Real huge,
I'm sayin' no neck.
Just be in the gym
Workin' out.
I saw him one day
And I just got mad,
I was like, "“dude, why are
You still here?
That's it, you won!
You--you got
'‘Em all.
What are you--
Like why are you still here?"”
Like, y'all don't understand
How mad that make me,
When you that big
For no reason.
Like if you gonna
Get that big,
There's gotta be a reason,
You know what I'm sayin'?
Like, when I ask you
Why you workin' out,
You should tell me,
"“I'm training
For the olympics,
I'm about to enter
The strongman competition."”
Something.
There's gotta be
A f*ckin' reason.
But when you that big
And you work for t-mobile
And you answer
The phones,
You strong,
You sit,
You can't even
Handle the headset--
"“Thank, thank you
For call--?
Hello?
Hello?
Thank your for
Calling--hello?"”
(Audience laughing)
"“Thank you--ahhh!"”
(Audience laughing)
You just--just start
Moving shit
Around the office
'‘Cause you're so--
(Screaming)
"“Thank you for
Calling t-mobile!"”
Sit your strong,
Unproductive ass down, man!
Strong as shit
With a headset,
They done went through
37 Headsets this month,
'‘Cause your hands
Too f*ckin' strong for--
Ahh--boss, another one.
(Audience laughing)
That's five today, boss.
Take '‘em out
My check.
I don't know how to use
The equipment either.
I don't know how to use
None of the equipment, man.
'‘Cause the equipment
Gettin' too serious now.
Like, there was a time
When it was regular,
You knew what it was,
It said the instructions,
Now they got all those
Universal machines and stuff.
I was tryin' to work
My legs the other day,
And you know the leg,
You know the leg machine
That, that goes
Like this,
Like you sit on it,
You go--ah, ah!
You know what
I'm talkin' about?
Well, I get there
And it was reclined down.
Like, it was all
Flat on one level,
So I thought
It was arms,
So I said, "“okay,
I'm gonna work my arms."”
(Audience laughing)
My face was burnin'
And everything,
I was like, "“i'm doing
Something right, you know?"”
So I got up,
And when I got up
Some guy came and sat down
Right where my face was
He w--he was like,
"“Hey, man--"”
I tried to tell him,
I was like,
"“Hey, you doing that wrong,
That's arms."”
He's like, "“no,
This is legs."”
And I said, "“so that's,
That's why my face is burning
'‘Cause I been smellin' people's
Balls all g*dd*mn--"”
I was so pissed off
'‘Cause I did three sets.
He watched me do
Three sets.
He just, he just
Stood by the machine,
"“There you go,
Mm-hm, that's it.
Pull it up,
Pull it up!"”
(Audience laughing)
Smacked me on the ass
And everything,
"“Come on now!
It's your last set,
Pull it!"”
(Scattered laughter)
Didn't like that.
I don't--i don't
Like those guys
That try to make a scene
At the gym either.
You ever see
The guys just trying
To get everybody
To look at '‘em
Before they
Lift something?
Like, I'm on
The treadmill, right?
I'm walkin'
On the treadmill.
For some reason,
I can't run.
I don't know what it is,
So I just walk.
I be on my blackberry,
I just people watch, right?
But there's this guy,
He was either going to jail
Or he just got out,
It was one or the other.
Like he was,
He was one of those bigs,
Like the little
Big, right?
He--this, this is the weight
Bench right here, right?
This is the weight bench.
He had like three
45 Plates right here,
He had three
45 Plates here.
But he didn't want
To lift it
Until he knew everybody
In the gym was lookin' at him.
This, this is exactly
What he was doing.
He's like,
"“All right--"”
(Audience laughing)
(Clapping)
(Audience laughing)
(Clapping)
(Audience laughing)
(Clapping)
(Clapping, smacking sounds)
(Audience laughing)
(Clapping)
(Audience laughing)
(Clapping)
(Audience laughing)
(Audience laughing loudly)
I was just lookin',
I was like,
"“Oh, he about
To do this shit.
He gonna do it."”
He never did it,
He just left.
He just walked
Out the door.
(Audience laughing)
Who does that?
Who gets somebody
That excited
And then don't
Finish it?
I was pissed off,
Why would you play
With me like that
And then
Not lift it?
(Scattered laughter)
I was really trying
To get big, man,
I was serious
About the gym.
You know something else
I thought the gym
Was gonna do
For me, though,
I thought the gym
Was gonna help me mentally.
Had a lot of mental stuff
I was trying to get over.
Phobias and stuff.
And I said, "“you know,
You get a little bigger,
Feel better
About yourself,
You don't worry about
The stuff you're afraid of."”
Got any phobias?
(Offscreen)
-Male #1: not that I
Can think of.
-Not that you
Can think of.
You ain't scared
Of nothin', huh?
You ever wake up and a alligator
In your room or some shit?
(Audience laughing)
Bet you'd be
Scared of that,
You wake up ass-naked,
d*ck swinging,
"“Hey, baby!
Get a blanket,
Get a blanket!"”
That's a bad
Feeling right there.
I'm afraid of
A lot of stuff, man.
Everything I'm afraid of I'm
Afraid of for a reason though.
I don't want y'all thinking,
"“Oh, I think it's funny,
I'll just say I'm afraid
Of some stuff."”
Like something's happened
To me and that's why
I'm afraid of the stuff
That I'm afraid of.
Like, I don't,
I don't like gorillas.
I'm real scared
Of gorillas.
(Audience laughing)
I am, '‘cause it was
Daddy day,
I was at the zoo,
It's me and my babies,
You know what I'm saying,
I'm by myself.
Got my, my son in my arm,
My daughter right here,
We looking
At the gorillas.
And when I'm looking
At the gorillas
I'm trying to explain
To my daughter
What a gorilla is,
You know?
While I'm talkin'
The gorilla
Smacked the glass
Real hard.
I'm talkin' about
Hard as shit, like--
(Audience laughing)
You know, I'm talkin'
To my baby, my baby--
"“That's a silverback
Gorilla.
Okay, they call it
The silverback
'‘Cause it's got
A silver thing
Going down
Its back."”
And while I'm talkin',
The gorilla's like--
Smacked the shit
Out the glass.
In my mind,
He just got loose.
I was like,
"“He's out."”
(Audience laughing)
I never got out the zoo
So fast in my life.
I mean like, dude,
I was haul-assing out the zoo.
But like, you know
When you running
And you think somebody
About to catch you
And you feel it
On your neck?
Like, I was running
But I felt something,
I was like,
"“Oh, shit!
The gorilla about
To grab me,"”
'‘Cause it felt like
Somebody was doing this,
And I was like
"“I gotta do something,
I gotta get
The gorilla off me,"”
I didn't know
What to do,
I panicked,
So I dropped my baby.
I was like, "“ah!"”
(Audience laughing)
Made it look like
An accident.
Ahh!
They're like,
"“You dropped your baby!"”
I was like,
"“Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh!"”
I had to save myself,
I didn't like that.
I'm serious.
Ha.
Very, very serious.
That's where I'm at though,
Man, I don't--
I'm just scared
Of a lot of shit.
I don't like gnats,
I'm scared of gnats.
(Audience laughing)
I am--you know what
I'm talkin' about,
Little ass
Gnats, right?
'‘Cause me
And my mom,
We was in
A park, right?
I was like
Nine years old,
And I walked into
A bushel of '‘em.
And you ever see gnats
When they fly together,
It's like a thousand gnats
In a circle.
Well, I walked into
That shit and I panicked.
I didn't know,
I didn't know what to do.
I stayed there--
"“Ah, ah!"”
(Screaming)
(Buzzing sounds)
(Screaming)
(Audience laughing)
All my mom had to do
Was grab my hand
And pull me out
The gnats.
My mom's so
Damn dramatic,
My mom made it worse
'‘Cause she start yelling.
She--"“somebody get
My baby out the gnats!
The gnats eatin'
My baby!
Jesus, please!"”
When I heard jesus
I thought it was real.
(Screaming)
Thought they
Was eatin' me.
Punched this girl
In the face
Because of a gnat
One time.
(Audience laughing)
Then, me and this girl
Was talkin',
We was having a real
Intimate conversation.
While we was talkin',
A gnat flew by.
And i, I was trying
To get rid of the gnat,
But she was
So close,
She caught
The worst of it.
Like you know,
We were talking,
I'm like, "“yeah, baby, you kno,
You should come over after."”
She was like,
"“All right, I don't mind."”
I said, "“well, look,
I'm parked right here,
Just pull around,
That way you can follow me.
Yeah, matter fact,
I tell you what--"”
(Loud smacking sounds)
(Audience laughing)
I looked up,
She was like, "“ahh!"”
"“You didn't see
That big ass gnat?
Gnat tried to
Lay a egg on my face,
It was
A pregnant gnat,
I know a pregnant gnat
When I see one.
Pregnant gnat tried
To k*ll me."”
I'm just tellin' y'all
What I know,
I've seen it.
This all happened
To me, man.
I don't like dolphins,
I'm scared of dolphins.
(Audience laughing)
I am, me and my wife,
We was in maui, right?
We in maui, she was like,
"“Come on, babe,
We should go swim
With the dolphins."”
I was like,
"“Nah, I told you
How I feel about
Them dolphins."”
She was like, "“come on,
Stop being a bitch,
Let's just do it."”
(Audience laughing)
I was like,
"“Don't call me no bitch."”
She was like,
"“Bitch!"”
"“Man, whatever."”
And you know we
Don't got a comeback,
So you just gotta--
"“She stupid."”
That's all I had.
I didn't have
Nothing else to say.
So we go, we go,
We get there.
They got the dolphins
In this t*nk.
There's like eight dolphins
In this t*nk, right?
When I get there,
I see this old lady
On the back
Of a dolphin,
I see this little boy,
And I'm like,
"“You know what, babe,
I might have
Been overreacting.
Get the camera,
Take some pictures of me
On the back
Of a dolphin."”
I was hyped, right?
(Claps)
I get
In the water,
I'm on back
Of the dolphin,
The instructor,
He was like,
"“As soon as you
Grab the dolphin fin,
Dolphin gonna start
Taking you around.
So whenever you ready
Grab its fin."”
I was like, "“all right,
Cool, I'm ready."”
Soon as I grab
My dolphin fin,
My dolphin went straight
To the bottom of the t*nk.
Like he just,
He just went down.
So, so because
I was scared,
I didn't let go,
I held on.
Like--you know
When you scared
How you start to mentally
Create shit in your own mind?
I was like,
"“Okay, it's obvious
That I got
A r*cist dolphin.
He don't--he don't
Like black people.
He done, he done cut
A deal with a shark,
Bring him a black
Piece of meat,
Something bad
About to happen, right?
So I let go,
I get to the top.
When I let go,
I'm so scared
I start snappin'
On the instructor
As soon as
I see him.
I was like,
"“Nobody saw f*ckin'
Dolphin number eight
Missing, huh?
Huh?
Y--y'all
Didn't notice
I was gone for
Like 30 seconds?
He tried
To k*ll me!
He tried
To k*ll me!"”
I was mad, yo,
I was so f*ckin' scared,
I like, "“y'all see the old lad,
And the little boy,
But nobody saw the black
f*ckin' swirl missing, huh?
Nobody noticed that the black
Dot wasn't going around?
Y'all didn't
Notice that?"”
He's like,
"“Calm down, man.
Calm down!
It's three feet,
Just stand up."”
I was like, "“what?
What'd he say?"”
I didn't even realize
That I was walkin'
And talkin' shit
At the same time.
Come to find out,
I never even
Went underwater.
What happened was
Some water
Splashed in my face
And I panicked.
"“Oh, oh, oh!"”
Made it up,
Made it all up.
(Audience laughing)
I was scared.
I never lied that fast
In my life.
He was r*cist though,
I know he was r*cist.
You know how I know
He was r*cist?
'‘Cause when I got
Out the water,
You now know how
Dolphins like--
(Dolphin sounds)
They be doing that, like--
Well, he looked at me,
He's like, "“n*gga, n*gga--"”
And I was like,
"“W-what?"”
Blew my whistle
In his face.
I don't play
That shit.
He don't work there,
I got him fired.
(Audience laughing)
I know people.
What else
Don't I like?
I don't like
Ostriches.
I'm scared
Of ostriches.
For those people who don't
Know what a ostrich is,
It's a big ass bird,
That's the same size as me.
The birds
Are huge, okay?
I'm in nebraska,
Doing a show in nebraska,
I had to pee,
So I'm on the side
Of the road,
I'm peeing, right?
I get done peeing,
I look to my left,
It's a big ass ostrich
Lookin' at me while I'm peein'.
He was standing
On one leg like this,
His body was facing
This way,
But his head,
His head was like this.
(Audience laughing)
Now, I didn't know
What it was
So I didn't
Say anything.
My friend got out the car,
He's like, "“yo, what's that?"”
I was like,
"“I don't know.
Looks like a big ass
Man pigeon,"”
I don't know, I don't know
What it is, right?
He's like,
"“That ain't no man pigeon."”
I was like,
"“It is a man pigeon."”
He took a pen,
He threw a ink pen
At it, right?
Soon as he threw
The pen at it,
Hit the ostrich
In the chest.
Soon as he hit
The ostrich,
His other leg
Came down.
His body was still
Facing this way,
But his head,
His head was still like this.
Now, when it--
When his leg came down,
This is when
The bitch
Started to come out
In me a little bit.
I was like,
"“You know what,
We should um,
We should,
We should probably
Go get back in the car
Because, because we don't
Really know what that means."”
You know what I mean, like that,
That could be a sign.
That could mean like,
"“You got 10 seconds
To get the f*ck
Out my face
Before I k*ll you.
I'm gonna eat
Your kids."”
We don't,
We don't know
What he's trying
To say,
So let's just get back
In the car we safe at.
So we get back
In the car,
Soon as we get in the car
I start laughing,
I'm like, "“ah-ha-ha-ha,
You a bitch, man."”
Like, "“no,
You a bitch."”
"“No, no,
You a bitch."”
I'm laughin', I'm driving
Like 30 miles per hour.
I look out
The passenger window,
The ostrich
Was running
30 Miles per hour
Beside the car.
His body was still
Facing this way,
But his head
Was still like this.
And he was
Haul-assin'--
(Audience laughing)
--At 30 miles
Per hour.
Now, when
I'm scared--
Like if I'm real,
Real scared,
I get emotional.
I, I'll start to cry
If I'm real, real scared.
So I got
A little emotional,
You know, I looked
At my friend,
I was like,
"“Why would you--
Why would you throw
A pen at it
If, if, if we, if we don't
Even know what it is?"”
(Audience laughing)
"“No, no, no,
I'm not sayin' that.
I'm sayin' like,
I'm sayin',
We don't even know
What it is."”
(Hysterical screaming)
He's like,
"“Dude, stop bitchin',
Speed up,
Speed up."”
I lie to y'all not,
I started driving
Like 60 miles
Per hour.
When I tell y'all
That this ostrich
Was running
60 Miles per hour,
I'm not bullshittin'.
His body was still
Facing this way,
But his head
Was still like this.
He was running so--
You couldn't even
See his legs
He was going
So f*ckin' fast.
He was,
He was moving.
And the reason why
I was so scared,
Was because he never
Looked in front of him.
Like, he didn't care
About a wall,
Another ostrich,
He was just lookin' at us.
But the way he was
Lookin' at us,
It was like
He was sayin',
"“When I catch y'all,
I'ma f*ck both y'all up."”
Over a pen.
Over a g*dd*mn pen.
And I was like,
"“Why don't you
Just apologize?"”
You know what
I'm sayin'--like?
'‘Cause I didn't throw
The pen, I was scared.
That's the only time I ever
Shitted on myself in my life.
(Audience laughing)
I've never shitted
On myself,
But I let go
That time.
I let loose,
I really did.
'‘Cause I had, I had to go,
I really did.
No, I shitted
On myself before.
This guy tried
To stick me up,
This guy came at me
With a g*n,
"“He's like give me
Your money, bitch!
All of it,
Run it."”
I was like,
"“Come on, man,
I, I hav--ah."”
He was like,
"“What's that smell?"”
I was like,
"“I shitted."”
He's like,
"“Get your ass outta here,
Ain't nobody want
To smell that
While they takin'
Your money, man."”
(Audience laughing)
I was honest,
That's what it's about.
(Scattered laughter)
I think that's probably why
Women don't respect me,
'‘Cause I'm so honest,
Seriously.
My wife don't
Respect me,
I know she don't.
You feel like your lady
Respect you, man?
Y'all ever fight?
No?
Never fist fought--
Like fist fight,
Like a good one.
Never?
(Audience laughing)
You've never tried
To hit him, ever?
No?
You tried
To hit him?
I'm tellin' you somethin', man,
I'm being honest with you.
I promote
Domestic v*olence.
I think, I think
If you're in a rel--
No, I know
It sound crazy,
I'm tell y'all
Some real stuff.
I think if you're
In a relationship
And your women has never
Tried to hit you,
She don't love you.
Any woman that
Love you
Is gonna try to hurt you
At some point in time
When you make
Her mad.
That's how you know
When you got a good woman.
I don't mind that.
I don't like hypocrites.
I don't like women
That are hypocrites.
Like, any female
That'll like dare a man
To hit her
For three hours
And then act surprised
When he do it.
I don't,
I don't like that.
(Audience laughing)
I don't, I don't like that--
You ever see that?
You ever see a woman
Talk all that shit,
And then act like
She don't know
Where the consequences
Came from?
"“Yeah, yeah,
Let me tell you something.
I wish you would
Put your hands on me.
No, no, no, no.
I wish you would--
No, no, see, let me
Tell you something,
See, you think I'm one
Of these regular b*tches
That won't fight you back,
That's what you think.
But let me tell you something,
I promise you, boo-boo!"”
(Audience laughing)
Hey, you ever
Have a girl
Slow down on
You like that?
"“But let me tell
You something.
I promise you,
Boo-boo,
It's not gonna go down
The way you thinking.
No, don't be
A bitch.
Don't be a bitch
And walk away.
Come back,
Put your hands on me,
Watch what I do."”
(Slapping sound)
(Screaming)
"“You crazy!
Help!"”
He not crazy,
He just tired of you
Talkin' shit
For three hours,
That's all
That is.
Women, y'all know how
To push them buttons, man.
Y'all talented.
Women, y'all got
A different level.
Like y'all press--
Y'all push men
To a different
Level of anger.
Like, you ever
Get so mad
When you argue
With a girl
That you can't
Find the words
So you gotta
Make a noise?
You--the word
Is right there,
But you can't
Get it out.
"“Bitch, first of all,
I'm tryin' to do--
I got all the,
Ah, stuff--
Ooh!
Shit!
Girl!"”
You don't know where
That noise came from,
You never made
That noise ever in life.
(Scattered laughter)
They make you get
To those points.
You ever outline
A girl?
You know what
That is?
It's where you put your hands
Around your lady's face.
You don't want
To hit her,
You just want to show her
What you could do.
It's a scare tactic.
It's real fast.
"“Bitch, say somethin'
Else, I swear to god, i--"”
That's all it is,
It's real quick.
"“Say another,
I swear to god I'll--"”
(Audience laughing)
Your threats don't
Even make sense.
"“I'll put your stomach
In your face
And make you
Eat yourself."”
"“What?
What'd you say?
Stomach in your face,
Make you eat yourself?"”
(Scattered laughter)
Every woman knows how
To push a man's buttons.
That's what y'all
Are good at.
You know how
To make your man mad.
You know how to
Piss him off.
You know what to say
To make him mad.
He could argue with
Any other woman in here,
He not gonna care
What they got to say.
He be like,
"“Shut up, beat it,
Get out my face."”
You know how to
Get a reaction.
"“f*ck you, terrence.
f*ck you and your
Third ball!"”
"“What?"”
(Audience laughing)
"“My third--don't talk
About my third ball!
That doctor said it's a possible
Medical condition!
It could be cancer!"”
He don't like that.
You--you know how to get
Those reactions outta him.
Like, you know what my wife
Do to make me mad?
I don't like it when
She sing when she get mad.
I can't stand that.
I can't stand that
When women get so emotional
They start singing
When they get mad.
♪ You ain't gonna
Do shi-i-i-it ♪
♪ n*gga-a-a ♪
♪ You ain't gonna
Do shi-i-i-it ♪
♪ You ain't gonna
Do shit ♪
♪ You ain't gonna
Do it ♪
♪ You ain't gonna
Do shit ♪
You just gotta,
Just gotta sit there
With the "“you ain't
Gonna do shit"” face.
(Audience laughing)
That's, that's the face
That say,
You ain't got
Nothin' left.
(Audience laughing)
That's what women do.
Women, you play
Mind games.
Start forgiving men
For stuff,
And after you
Forgive '‘em,
Then forgettin'
That you forgave '‘em,
And talk
About the shit
That you already
Forgave '‘em for,
And gettin'
Mad about it.
Stop doin' that.
You forgave him,
Forgive him.
There's nothing worse
Than being a man
That messed up
In the past,
And you trying
To correct yourself,
But your woman
Keep bringing the past up.
So now every time
You tell the truth,
It sound like
You lying,
And when
You lying,
It sound like you
Tellin' the truth.
I'm saying,
It's at the point
In my relationship
Where I'm afraid for my wife
To hear me
Have fun.
I be tryin' to shut
Fun down.
Like, when she not around,
And she call me,
I get mad at
My friends.
"“Shut the f*ck up,
Everybody, shut up!
Look, put your
Seatbelts on,
Buckle up, every--!
Put your
Seatbelt on,
I don't know where she is,
Look safe!"”
(Audience laughing)
"“Look straight ahead
Until we figure this out.
She's crazy."”
That's what
Women do.
I'ma tell you how you
Can tell a battered man.
Want to know how
You can tell a man
Has been through
So much emotionally,
When you
Speak to him,
Whenever you speak
To a man
And he start talking
About his relationship
Without you asking
Anything about it,
That's a battered man.
Soon as you meet him,
"“Hey, how you doing?"”
"“My wife and I
Go camping every week."”
"“What?"”
"“She likes
Cheerios, too!"”
"“What are
You talk--?"”
He's battered, he think that
You one of her friends,
And she sent you
To come talk to him.
He think
It's a set up.
He's so crazy,
He thinkin' five steps
Ahead of you
'‘Cause he don't
Know what's what.
(Audience laughing)
I'm just being
Honest with y'all,
I'm telling y'all things
That really go on.
Tell you somethin'
Else, fellas.
Know when to fight
Your woman,
And when not to
Fight your woman, okay?
Whenever you in a car,
Don't fight your woman.
Not while you drive.
Reason why, '‘cause your
Face is open, okay?
(Audience laughing)
You don't have
Any defense.
I'm telling
You guys from--
I'm telling you guys
From, from my past,
I'm telling you about things
I've went through, okay?
You don't want
To do it.
This is when I first
Found out my lady was crazy.
We was on the highway
And she hit me.
First of all,
Anybody that hits you
When you on an expressway
Of any kind,
Don't care about
They life,
Let's, let's get
That out, okay?
We on the highway,
We coming from an event.
You know, my kids
In the backseat,
And we arguing,
I'm like,
"“You know what
Your problem is,
You don't respect me
As a man, okay?
Until you respect me
As a man,
We gonna always
Have problems.
That's why we
Fight so much.
And I'm--honestly,
I'm thinking about
Puttin' my hands
On you.
Keep on,
And I'm--
I'ma show you
What that feel like,
'‘Cause you stupid,
And you act--"”
(Thumping sounds)
(Audience laughing)
Oh!
Oh!
I-i never been so afraid
For my life, dude.
She tryin'
To k*ll me.
I looked in the back,
My daughter was like--
(Speaking gibberish)
(Audience laughing)
Done turned my baby
Against me and everything.
(Scattered laughter)
You gotta know.
Gotta know your woman.
Fellas, don't be afraid
To be a man, fellas.
I don't care what
You're going through
In your relationship,
Don't be afraid
To be a man.
Stop being yes men.
No woman wants
A yes man.
Don't think
That's gonna
Make your,
Your relationship better
Because you agree with
Your woman all the time.
It's not gonna make
Your relationship better.
It makes you
Look stupid.
You just saying "“yes"”
All the g*dd*mn time.
"“Huh?
Yeah."”
(Audience laughing)
"“Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What, what do
You need?
Yeah, I'll get it,
Yeah.
Huh?
Yeah.
Yeah, all right, yeah.
No, no, I'll go now,
Yeah, I'll get it.
Yeah.
What do you need?
Yeah.
All right.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, no,
I'll get it now.
I'll pick it up.
Yeah.
What?
No, I just left,
You want me to go back?
Yeah, I'll go back."”
f*g, f*ckin' get
Some balls.
Be a man!
Argue.
That's what you in
A relationship for,
You're in your
Relationship to argue.
That's what men
Are there for, we argue.
Even when you wrong.
Argue.
I've been caught
Red-handed several times.
Argue.
You want to know how you
Win every single argument?
Be loud.
That's all
You gotta do.
Women can't
Handle that.
Women can't handle
When a man's voice
Gets past
A certain level.
They break down.
They don't know
What to do.
I been caught.
Just mean
What you say.
And after you say it,
Walk out.
You can't
Stick around.
You gotta,
You gotta--
(Audience laughing)
If you stick around
You give '‘em a chance
To come back
And confuse you.
Say your point,
Get the f*ck out the room.
Go!
(Audience laughing)
"“Kevin, I saw you!
I saw you, kevin!
I saw the bitch
In your car!
You gonna tell me
I didn't see you?
I saw the bitch
In your car!"”
"“Bitch, shut up!
Shut the f*ck up, man!
Every time I come
In the house
You got the microwave
On, huh?
f*ck you!"”
Walk out, bam.
(Audience laughing)
Don't, don't--
You can't give
Her a chance.
She just gonna
Be standin' there like,
"“What--i?"”
(Audience laughing)
"“I thought, I thought
He liked it
When I used
The microwave, I just--
I don't, I don't
Understand him
Or what he wants
From me anymore.
I don't understand."”
(Audience laughing)
I remember one time we got into
An argument over a giraffe.
Swear to god,
We were talking about money.
You know, she was
Mad at me,
She was like,
"“You spending too much money.
I'm tired of you
Going out to these clubs,
Spending all this money
On all your little girls,
That money need to be
Spent with your family."”
I was like,
"“Shut up, don't tell me
What to do with my money,
It's my money.
If I want to
Go buy a giraffe,
I'll go buy
A damn giraffe, okay?"”
I was trying to
Be a smartass,
I'm being a smartass,
I'm thinking it's over.
Out of nowhere
She was like,
"“You ain't gonna buy
No giraffes in this house."”
That's, that's when
I lost it.
"“Ah, I bet I do buy
A damn giraffe in this house.
Tell me I won't buy
No damn giraffe.
I'll go on
Right now, and have that
Giraffe here tomorrow,
Teach that giraffe how
To headbutt the f*ck out you.
Tell me I won't
Get no giraffe."”
I tried to get one,
You can't get '‘em.
It's hard to
Get a giraffe.
(Audience laughing)
It is.
I swear I was gonna
Have that giraffe
Right outside my house,
Just walking.
(Audience laughing)
Just walk, just walking
My giraffe.
(Scattered laughter)
You know the move that
You can't ever fall for?
"“All I gotta do."”
You ever hear
That shit?
"“All I gotta
Do is--"”
I fell for that
Shit one time,
'‘Cause we don't know
What you're talking about.
"“All I gotta do
Is crimp my hair."”
We don't know what
The f*ck a crimp is.
"“Oh, that's it?"”
Just--he just stupid,
"“Oh, okay.
Yeah, all right--"”
(Audience laughing)
Dumbass man.
"“Yeah, cool,
All right."”
(Audience laughing)
Been in the bathroom
Five damn days.
"“I thought you
Had to crimp it?"”
"“That's what
I'm doing!"”
Then they flip it
On you.
You ever have
A woman flip it on you?
"“I thought you said
You was gonna be quick?"”
"“Well, I can't do it
If you in my face!
Let me do it!"”
"“All right, yeah,
All right, cool.
All right.
Let's go out,
I'll let you crimp it.
Sorry."”
(Audience laughing)
Just telling you
What I know.
This is from
Experience.
But women,
At the same time,
You gotta understand
Your man.
You gotta know when
To leave your man alone.
Men give signs just
Like women give signs.
If your husband,
Or your boyfriend
Drives a minivan,
Leave him alone.
(Audience laughing)
Any man that drives
A minivan,
Does not care
About life.
He don't give
A f*ck.
He don't.
Every time he slide
That long ass door closed
He, he is cursing you
The f*ck outta his mind.
"“Stupid ass bitch
Got me driving
A driving a g*dd*mn
Ambulan--sit down!
Sit the hell down!
Thomas, eat another booger
Off that windshield,
I'll k*ll you.
I hate my life."”
I'll tell you
The real sign,
Like if your man wears
Sweatpants with no pockets,
That's a sign.
Any man that doesn't
Have pockets
Don't care
About life.
You ever go a day
Without pockets?
Think about how important
Your pockets are.
That means you don't
Care about change,
Receipts, your wallet,
You don't care!
You don't
Believe me?
Try to get a man
That don't have pockets
To wear pockets.
Watch how mad
He get.
I tried to get my dad
To wear pockets one time,
We was going
To church.
I was like, "“dad, come on,
Man, we going to church,
Put some pants
With pockets on."”
He's like, "“what the f*ck
I need pockets for?
She took everything!"”
"“All right.
Ha-ha, all right."”
(Audience laughing)
"“Dad, you can use
My pockets, dad.
This n*gga's crazy,
He done lost
His g*dd*mn mind
If he gonna s*ab on me
About pockets."”
He--yeah, that family
Reunion laugh right there.
(Throaty laughter)
Sound like he--like he
Gargling beer right now.
(Throaty laughter)
(Audience laughing)
Them thug dudes, b,
You ever see a thug dude?
When they don't
Want to laugh.
(Stifled laughter)
(Audience laughing)
"“Cous', get the f*ck
Out of here now."”
But he trying--
(Stifled laughter)
(Audience laughing)
Ha.
(Audience laughing)
They just be trying to cover up
They laughs real quick.
"“Go ahead, n*gga,
Everybody come here--"”
(Garbled speaking)
(Audience laughing)
"“Not that funny, cuz,
Not that funny.
Trying to
k*ll you, n*gga.
k*ll you."”
(Scattered laughter)
I talk all this stuff
About relationships,
But you know what,
I like mine the way it is.
I do.
I like drama,
I'm attracted to drama.
I think if you're in
A relationship drama's good.
I couldn't deal
With no happy woman.
Could you
Deal with her
If she was happy
All the time?
Every time
You come home
She got some
Happy shit to say.
Think about it,
Soon as you walk in the door
She just happy.
Soon as
You come home,
"“Oh my god,
Who's home?
You are,
You are!"”
(Audience laughing)
"“Woo!
Tickle, tickle!
Tickle, tickle!"”
"“Sit your stupid
Ass down!
I got fired today,
You want to tickle
Some-g*dd*mn-body,
Sit down!
Stupid ass!"”
Ha!
Ain't nobody want
To deal with that shit.
Drama.
Tryin' to s*ab me.
(Audience laughing)
Ever have a woman
Pull a knife out on you?
That's some
Sexy shit right there.
"“Bitch, put the--
Hey, I'm not playing now,
Put the f*ckin' knife--
You think--
Hey, do it again!
Oh!
Shit, you got me!
Yeah, that time
You really got there.
We should go to
The hospital."”
(Audience laughing)
You know what it is,
I don't,
I don't like the whole
Datin' game though.
That's why I accept
My situation.
See a bunch of couples
Here now,
Like, y'all
Just dating.
I don't like dating.
You know why
I don't like dating?
I try to impress
Women too much.
That's my problem.
I went out,
Bought this big ass truck
Just to try
And impress women.
I didn't know
That everybody
Looked tall
In a truck, though.
And you don't notice
Somebody small
Until they get out
The truck.
I had to find out
The hard way
'‘Cause I like
To flirt.
I'm at the stoplight,
I saw this girl,
I was like,
"“Damn, babe, you look good.
Why don't you pull over, let me
Talk to you for a second."”
She was like, "“all right,"”
He kind of cute.
Her, her girlfriend
High-five.
(Smacking sounds)
They was happy.
(Audience laughing)
She was like,
"“Get out, come talk to me."”
And I can't get out
My truck, right?
I gotta, I gotta
Jump out.
But, when I
Jumped out,
I didn't have
A good landing,
I stumbled
A little bit
And all
I heard was
"“Oh my god, he doesn't
Have any knees!
And they just--
(Audience laughing)
They just pulled--
They pulled off.
I--ain't this a bitch,
I got knees,
It was a bad jump,
'‘Cause when I landed
I twisted
My ankle,
My head hit
The windshield.
I was trying to
Pull myself up.
(Audience laughing)
I can admit that it looked
A little Ret*rded,
But to
Yell out that
I don't have knees
Is selfish,
You know what
I'm saying?
How did I get
Out the truck,
I didn't roll
Out the bitch,
That's why I had
An attitude.
(Audience laughing)
I had one girl that
Had one of those laughs
That make you
Stop laughing.
(Audience laughing)
You ever meet somebody
Like that,
With a laugh
That's so bad
That you gotta stop
Having a good time?
'‘Cause it wasn't
A laugh,
It was like
A snicker/snort.
She did it
At everything,
Stuff that wasn't
Even funny.
Like, we was going
To the movies,
I'm like "“you know
What, babe,
It's a long line,
I'm gonna go park the car
Why don't you
Go wait in line?"”
She was like
"“All right, I don't mind--"”
(Snorting sounds)
(Audience laughing)
And I didn't know
What it was at first
So I didn't
Say nothing.
I still had
The car on,
I was like the car
Shouldn't sound like this
'‘Cause it's
A new car,
You know
What I mean?
I just got
This car,
I better not have no damn
Problems with this car.
I was like, "“hey look,
When you get out of line,
Go get some popcorn
With a lot of butter."”
She was like,
"“Oh my god, I love butter!"”
(Snorting sounds)
And I was like,
"“Okay, that was you that time,
I saw you because you know
I made eye contact,
I don't
Like that.
That is nasty,
'‘Cause it sound like
You swallowing snot
Or something."
But, then it dawned
On me where she got it from.
'‘Cause I met her dad
Earlier that day.
Her dad had one
Of those laughs,
I call it the rich
White guy laugh.
You know what
That is?
It's a laugh that's followed
By an awful joke.
The joke doesn't
Make you laugh,
But the laugh eventually
Makes you laugh.
He found out I was
A comedian,
He kept trying
To tell me jokes.
He's like, "“oh, so ah,
So you're a comic, right?
Okay.
Um--"”
(Audience laughing)
"“Ah, all right, all right,
All right,
Listen, I got a um,
I got a joke for you.
You can, you can keep it if
You want, I don't mind.
Um, all right, all right,
All right, you ready?
All right, okay,
Ha-ha.
All right, this is crazy
It's so good.
All right, so I'm at,
I'm at the office.
I'm at the office,
I tell this guy,
I said to him,
What did i--
Wait, what did
I say?
Wait a minute,
Wait a minute.
All right, all right,
All right, I got it.
I got it, okay,
All right.
So I'm at
The office, right?
So I'm at
The office,
And ah, I tell
This guy,
I said to him,
I said,
'‘Hey, ah, pass
Me the stapler,
But when
You pass it,
Make sure staples
Are in it,
Because if it isn't,
I can't staple anything.'"”
(Audience laughing)
Ahh!
I didn't want
To laugh,
But he kept looking right
At me while he was talking.
Ahhh!
(Audience laughing)
Here's the weird thing.
Like, you know how
People clap when they laugh?
They be like, ahh--
(Claps)
He had a clap that he would
Do with his laugh,
But I never knew
When it was coming.
I couldn't time it.
Like you know how sometimes
You can time a clap?
I didn't know
When the clap was coming,
So it was hard
For me to participate
And clap with him, '‘cause it
Took too long, right?
But he was still lookin'
At me the whole time.
He was like--ahhh!
(Audience laughing)
(Claps)
(Audience laughing)
That was like
57 Seconds right there,
I can't wait
57 Seconds.
Long time ago.
I had this one
Tall girl.
I didn't care
That she was tall.
She was tall as shit,
She was a model.
I didn't even care
'‘Cause she made me laugh.
You make me laugh,
That's a bonus.
'‘Cause it's my job
To make people laugh.
So if you make me laugh,
It's a turn-on.
One day, she tried
To mess with me mentally.
We in the supermarket, right?
I'm going to get
Some milk.
Now, normally they
Put my milk
On the middle row
In the aisle.
For some reason this day
It was on the top row.
And like, you know,
When you can't reach something
How you start
Stretching for it?
Like, ahh--
'‘Cause I couldn't get it,
I was like--ahh!
She's like, "“babe,
Don't stretch yourself,
Let me grab it
For you."”
And I turned around,
There was a bunch
Of people in the aisle
Lookin' at her about
To grab my milk.
So I got mad,
I punched her in the rib.
I was like, "“bitch,
Don't be tryin'
To play me in front
Of them people.
She's like, "“i ain't
Tryin' to play you."”
I was like,
"“You are trying to play me.
If you want
To help me,
Pick me up and let
Me grab it.
That's how
You help."”
She's like,
"“All right."”
'‘Cause I'm a thug,
I'm a thug first.
(Scattered laughter)
Are you guys
Double-datin'?
It's like a double
Date right here.
Kinda?
That's good.
I would say don't
Do it no more, though.
Don't ever
Double date.
You know why
You shouldn't double date?
Because you compete
With the other couple.
You don't even know
You're competing.
I'm telling you,
You compete.
Show you right now,
If I'm wrong,
Tell me I'm wrong, okay?
Let's say you lean over,
You give your girl a kiss.
Real innocent--muah--
"“Love you, babe."”
First thing she gonna do
Is look at him,
She'll be like,
"“Mm, must be nice."”
(Audience laughing)
Now, you're competing.
Now, now the only way
You can win
Is to suck
Her titty right here.
You gotta do it.
That's the only way.
You gotta pull
The titty out right now.
(Sucking sounds)
That's it.
But women, y'all discuss
Personal business.
And that personal stuff
Come out.
It come out like
When y'all,
When y'all arguing,
Y'all all at dinner
One night.
And you having
A good time,
Then one day
You get mad.
You like,
"“You know, michelle,
I hate you, michelle,
You come out all the time,
You get drunk,
You mess up the whole night."”
You be like, "“whatever,
f*ck you, tarique,
At least I don't
Eat ass!"”
You be like,
"“What?
What you--what you
Talkin' about?"”
"“Oh, you don't
Eat ass?
Erica, he don't
Eat ass!"”
Now, now, you gotta
Put her on the spot.
"“You told '‘em
I eat ass?"”
(Audience laughing)
"“Everybody was talking,
I didn't know that
It would come out
Like this."”
Now you gotta
Sit there
With the "“you ate ass"”
Face, you just--
(Audience laughing)
That's, that's the "“you
Just ate ass"” face.
(Audience laughing)
Conversation been over,
But you still mad.
"“First of all,
Only time I ate your ass
Was on your
Birthday,
Let's get that
Out the way.
No, no, no,
You want to talk about it,
Let's talk
About it, okay?
I didn't get
You shit,
You say eat your ass,
I was like, '‘cool,'
So I ate
Your ass.
Don't make it seem
Like I'm out here
Just eating your ass
Every day.
Everybody sittin' here
Pushin' my drink to the side
Like I got
The shit mouth.
f*ck y'all, man.
Bet--i bet there
Won't be no more
Ass-eatin'
Up in here.
I bet that.
I bet--bet--"”
Ha-ha!
Bet that's your last
Ass-eating incident--ha!
(Audience laughing)
Ha-ha-ha.
Nothing funnier than
People's personal problems
Coming out in front
Of other people.
That's the funniest
Thing ever to me,
When people's
Personal problems
Get brought to light
In front of other people.
'‘Cause you always gotta act
Like you ain't hear it.
You ever hear
A couple argue?
Like, you hear
Some weird shit.
You ever heard
Like, some weird shit?
"“Whatever, bitch,
You the one
With all the dildos all
Up there in the house!"”
(Audience laughing)
You be at the dinner
Table like--
(Audience laughing)
You try to whisper
To your lady--
"“She got dildos
In the house?"”
(Audience laughing)
"“This bitch
Is crazy,
She got dildos all up
In the house."”
(Audience laughing)
I think that's the funniest
Stuff in the world, man.
Other people's problems,
There's nothing funnier than
Other people's problems.
Other people's kids--
I remember
Me and my boy
Got into it
One day,
'‘Cause I told him
I didn't think his baby
Was where she was
Supposed to be mentally.
That's what
I told him.
I did,
I told him that.
I said, "“i think you
Might have a dumb baby."”
There's a chance that
Your baby might be dumb.
You know, but I felt like,
Me, as your friend,
I should be able to tell you
That, you know what I'm saying?
Like, I'm your friend,
So my constructive criticism
Should be good
Criticism to you.
But he got mad,
He's like,
"“Whatever, my baby's
Smarter than yours."”
I was like, "“bet money,"”
He was like, "“bet?"”
I was like,
"“What you want to do?"”
He was like, "“let's sit '‘em
In the middle of the floor,
And see which baby can hold
Their head up the longest."”
And I was like,
"“Oh shit."”
(Audience laughing)
You know, my baby
Got a problem, right?
But I can't
Back down,
I was like,
"“Bet, bitch!"”
So we,
We put our babies
In the middle
Of the floor,
And they was
Going at it.
My son--
My son was like--
(Mumbling sounds)
And his baby
Was looking at my son
So his baby
Got dizzy and fell.
I was like,
"“Look at that.
Dumb-ass baby."”
I didn't kick
His baby,
I just moved his baby
Away from my baby.
I didn't want that
Dumb stuff to wear off.
(Audience laughing)
Hey, y'all have
Been a great crowd, man.
My name is
Kevin hart.
Thank you all.
I appreciate it.
(Applause)
Love it!
I should see--
'‘Chelle!
Hey, see if I can
Get my babies.
See if my babies
Are up before I go.
I'ma show you all
My babies before I go.
Just act like
I left already.
I just want y'all
To see my kids,
Let me see
If my son
Come out here
Shaking his head.
I'ma see.
Don't move,
Don't move.
Y'all stay right here
For a second.
(Audience laughing)
(Audience murmuring)
(Offscreen)
-Audience: awww!
(Applause)
(Audience cheering)
-Look how nosy my son is,
Look at him here.
He isn't gonna
Smile or nothin',
He angry,
Just look at him.
Smile, man.
Just smile one time.
Stop, come on now!
(Audience laughing)
Do, do the thing
Daddy told you to do now.
Yeah, oh--okay,
That's cool--
He's still--
Heaven, say hi.
Turn around!
Let '‘em see
Your face.
Stop!
Say hi.
Into the microphone,
Just say hi.
(Offscreen)
-Audience: aww!
-Say hi!
-No!
-Anyway, this is just
So y'all can see
That what I tell
Is the truth.
I really appreciate
The love and support,
And continue,
Y'all,
It's really going good
For me right--
It's really going good
For me right now,
And I really genuinely
Appreciate the support.
One again,
My name's kevin hart.
I love y'all.
Take it easy.
(Audience cheering)
(Applause)
(Hip-hop beat)
♪
Kevin Hart: I'm a Grown Little Man (2009)
Moderator: Maskath3