Bo Burnham: Inside (2021)

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Bo Burnham: Inside (2021)

Post by bunniefuu »

If you'd have told me

A year ago

That I'd be locked inside of my home

Ah, ah, ah

I would have told you

A year ago

Interesting, now leave me alone

Sorry that I look like a mess

Ah, ah, ah

I booked a haircut

But it got rescheduled

Robert's been a little depressed

No!

And so today I'm gonna try just

Getting up, sitting down

Going back to work

Might not help

But still it couldn't hurt

I'm sitting down, writing jokes

Singing silly songs

I'm sorry I was gone

But look, I made you some content

Daddy made you your favorite

Open wide

Here comes the content

It's a beautiful day

To stay inside

Camera test.

The world is changing

The planet's heating up

What the f*ck is going on?

Rearranging

It's like everything

Happened all at once

Um, what the f*ck is going on?

The people rising in the streets

The w*r, the drought

The more I look

The more I see nothing to joke about

Is comedy over?

Should I leave you alone?

'Cause really who's gonna go for

Joking at a time like this?

Should I be joking

At a time like this?

I wanna help to leave this world

Better than I found it

And I fear that comedy won't help

And the fear is not unfounded

Should I stop trying to be funny?

Should I give away my money?

No!

What do I do?

Healing the world with comedy

The indescribable power of your comedy

The world needs direction

From a white guy like me

- Bingo

-Who is healing the world with comedy

That's it.

The world is so f*cked up.

Systematic oppression.

Income inequality.

The other stuff.

And there's only one thing

that I can do about it,

while while being paid,

and being the center of attention.

Healing the world with comedy

Making a literal difference

Metaphorically

A Jew walks into a bar

And I've saved him a seat

That's healing the world with comedy

I'm a special kind of white guy

I self-reflected

And I want to be an agent of change

So I am gonna use my privilege

For the good

Very cool, way to go!

American white guys

We've had the floor

For at least 400 years

So maybe I should just

Shut the f*ck up

I'm bored.

I don't wanna do that

-There's gotta beanother way

-Yes

For me to help out

Without standing on the sidelines

-Never

-The wait is over

I'm white

And I'm here to save the day

Lord help me channel

Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side

Sandra Bullock!

Healing the world with comedy

Making a literal difference

Metaphorically

And yes, most likely they'll pay me

But I'd do it for free

I am healing the world with comedy

If you wake up in a house

That's full of smoke

Don't panic

Call me, and I'll tell you a joke

If you see white men

Dressed in white cloaks

Don't panic

Call me, and I'll tell you a joke

Oh shit

Should I be joking

At a time like this?

If you start to smell burning toast

You're having a stroke

Or overcooking your toast

If you wake up in a house

That's full of smoke

Don't panic

Call me, and I'll tell you a joke

If you see white men

Dressed in white cloaks

Don't panic

Call me, and I'll tell you a joke

Oh shit

Should I be joking

At a time like this?

Somebody help me out

'Cause I don't know

And I want to help to leave this world

Better than I found it

And I fear that comedy won't help

And the fear is not unfounded

Should I stop trying to be funny?

Should I give away my money?

No!

I know what I gotta do

Healing the world with comedy

Making a literal difference

Metaphorically

I swore I'd never be back

But now I'm back on my feet

And I'm healing the world with comedy

Hi.

Welcome to, uh, whatever this is.

Um, I've been working

for the last couple months,

um, testing this camera,

and testing lights, and writing,

and I've decided to, uh,

try to make a new special.

For real.

Um, it's not gonna be a normal special

because there's no audience,

and there's no crew.

It's just me and my camera,

and you and your screen.

Uh, the way that that our Lord intended.

Um

And the whole special

will be will be filmed in this, uh, room.

And instead of being filmed

in a single night,it will be filmed in

uh, however long it takes to finish.

I hope you, uh, enjoy it.

I I hope this special

can maybe do for you

what it's done for me

these last couple months,

which is, uh, to distract me from wanting

to put a b*llet into my head with a g*n.

So

Yeah, thank you.

And a warning.

Um, I can already sort of tell

that this special is going to be

a little all over the place,

so don't expect

incredibly smooth transiti--

Pour me a drink and clear my schedule

I'mma FaceTime with my mom tonight

Tonight

These 40 minutes are essential

I'mma FaceTime with my mom tonight

Tonight

I call, she answers

And her hair is wet

Hair is wet

I say, "Did you just shower?"

She says, "How'd you guess?"

I say, "Your hair is wet"

She says, "Oh yeah"

I tell my boys I need some space, yeah

I'mma FaceTime with my mom tonight

She'll hold her iPhone 5

No further than six inches from her face

Yeah, I'mma FaceTime

With my mom tonight

Tonight

She says, "Oh, look who's here"

Say hi to Dad

Hi to Dad

He says, "How ya doing, bud?"

I say, "I'm not so bad"

And that's the deepest talk

We've ever had

Watching as she looks for her glasses

I'mma FaceTime with my mom tonight

She'll tell me all about

The season six finale of The Blacklist

I'mma FaceTime with my mom tonight

Tonight

My mother's covering

Her camera with her thumb

I'll waste my time

FaceTiming with my mom

My mother's covering

Her camera with her thumb

I'll waste my time

FaceTiming with my mom

My mother's covering

Her camera with her thumb

I'll waste my time

FaceTiming with my mom

My mother's covering

Her camera with her thumb

I'll waste my time

FaceTiming with my mom

Hey, kids.

Today, we're gonna learn about the world.

The world that's around us

Is pretty amazing

But how does it work?

It must be complicated

The secret is the world can only work

When everything works together

A bee drinks from a flower

And leaves with its pollen

A squirrel in a tree

Spreads the seeds that have fallen

Everything workstogether

The biggest elephant, the littlest fly

The gophers underground

The birds in the sky

And every single cricket

Every fish in the sea

Gives what they can

And gets what they need

That is how the world works

That is how the world works

From A to Zebra

To the worms in the dirt

That's how

It works

Hey, everyone.

Look who stopped by to say hello.

It's Socko.

Hey!

Where you been, Socko?

I've been where I always am

when you're not wearing me on your hand.

In a frightening,

liminal space between states of being.

Not quite dead, not quite alive.

It's similar to a constant state

of sleep paralysis.

Socko, we were just talking

about the world and how it works.

Boy, that sounds complicated.

Do you have anything you'd want

to teach us about the world?

I wouldn't say anything that you probably

haven't already said yourself.

I don't know about that, Socko.

How about you give it a try?

All right.

The simple narrative taught

In every history class

Is demonstrably false

And pedagogically classist

Don't you know

The world is built with blood

And genocide and exploitation

The global network of capital

Essentially functions

To separate the worker

From the means of production

And the FBI k*lled Martin Luther King

Private property's inherently theft

And neoliberal fascists

Are destroying the left

And every politician

Every cop on the street

Protects the interests

Of the pedophilic corporate elite

That is how the world works

Really?

That is how the world works

Genocide

The Natives say you got to it first

That's how

It works

That's pretty intense.

No shit.

What can I do to help?

Read a book or something. I don't know.

Just don't burden me

with the responsibility of educating you.

It's incredibly exhausting.

I'm sorry, Socko.

I was just trying

to become a better person.

Why do you rich f*cking white people

insist on seeing

every socio-political conflict

through the myopic lens

of your own self-actualization?

This isn't about you.

So either get with it,

or get out of the f*cking way.

Watch your mouth, buddy.

Remember who's on whose hand here.

But that's what I--

Have you not been f*cking listening?

-We are entrenched in--

-All right.

Wait! No, please!

I don't want to go back.

I can't go I can't go back.

Please. Please.

I'm sorry.

Are you gonna behave yourself?

Yes.

Yes, what?

-Yes, sir.

-Look at me.

Yes, sir.

That's better.

That is how the world works

That is how the world works

I hope you learned your lesson

I did and it hurt!

That's how

It works

No!

Hello, my name is Bo Burnham.

And I am a former comedian,

turned social brand consultant.

It's a very exciting time to be a,

uh, brand.

It's also a bit of a scary time

because customers expect a lot more

from their brands

than they did in the past.

During this incredibly necessary

and overdue social reckoning

that we're having in our culture,

it is no longer acceptable for brands

to stay out of the conversation.

Consumers want to know, "Are you willing

to use your brand awareness

to effect positive social change?"

Which will create more brand awareness.

The question I ask the brands I work with

is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is

"Are you gonna be

on the right side of history?"

The question isn't,

"What are you selling?"

Or or "What service are you providing?"

The question is, "What do you stand for?"

Who are you,Bagel Bites?

All these big companies, they're so scared

of all this social change, and I come in

and I put their fears to rest.

You know, I tell them, "Just be honest."

"Tell your customers

that that JPMorgan is against racism."

In theory.

The question is no longer,

"Do you want to buy Wheat Thins?"

For example.

The question is now,

"Will you support Wheat Thins

in the fight against Lyme disease?"

There's no sugarcoating it. The world is

f*cked up.

And you've got a choice as a brand.

You can

hide and bury your head in the sand

and hope it fixes itself,

or you can roll up your sleeves

and get to work,

and sell Butterfingers.

An open window

A novel

A couple holding hands

An avocado

A poem

Written in the sand

Fresh fallen snow on the ground

A golden retriever in a flower crown

Is this heaven

Or is it just a white woman

A white woman's Instagram

White woman

A white woman's Instagram

White woman

A white woman's Instagram

White woman

A white woman's Instagram

Latte foam art

Tiny pumpkins

Fuzzy, comfy socks

Coffee table made out of driftwood

A bobblehead of Ruth Bader Ginsburg

A needlepoint of a fox

Some random quote

From Lord of the Rings

Incorrectly attributed

To Martin Luther King

Is this heaven

Or am I looking at a white woman

A white woman's Instagram

White woman

A white woman's Instagram

White woman

A white woman's Instagram

White woman

A white woman's Instagram

Her favorite photo of her mom

The caption says

I can't believe it

It's been a decade

Since you've been gone

Momma, I miss you

I miss sitting with you

In the front yard

Still figuring out

How to keep living without you

It's got a little better

But it's still hard

Momma, I got a job I love

And my own apartment

Momma, I got a boyfriend

And I'm crazy about him

Your little girl didn't do too bad

Momma, I love you

Give a hug and kiss to Dad

A goat-cheese salad

A backlit hammock

A simple glass of wine

Incredibly derivative

Political street art

A dreamcatcher

Bought from Urban Outfitters

A vintage neon sign

Three little words, a couple of doves

And a ring on her finger

From the person that she loves

Is this heaven

Or is it just a white woman

A white woman's Instagram

White woman

A white woman's Instagram

White woman

A white woman's Instagram

White woman

A white woman's Instagram

White woman

A white woman's Instagram

White woman

A white woman's Instagram

White woman

A white woman's Instagram

White woman

A white woman's Instagram

Here's a question for you guys. Um

Is it is it necessary?

Is it necessary

that every single personon this planet

um, expresses every single opinion

that they have

on every single thing that occurs

all at the same time?

Is that is that necessary?

Um

Or to ask in a slightly different way,

um, can can anyone

shut the f*ck up?

Can can anyone,

any any

any one, any single one,

can any one

shut the f*ck up about anything--

About any any single thing?

Can any single person

shut the f*ck up about any single thing

for an hour?

You know, is that is that possible?

And I know you're thinking,

"You're not shutting

the f*ck up right now,"

and that's true, but

Who needs a coffee

'Cause I'm doing a run

I'm writing down the orders now

For everyone

The coffee is free, just like me

I'm an unpaid intern

Sorting papers, running around

Sitting in the meeting

I'm not making a sound

Barely people, somehow legal

Unpaid intern

You work all day, go back to your dorm

And since you can't afford a mortgage

You just torrent a porn

'Cause you're an intern

Unpaid

Hey, everybody.

Um, I thought I'd do a reaction video

to the song that you just saw me perform.

Thought that might be fun.

Um, so I got my laptop all set up.

So I'm ready to go, and let's go.

Who needs a coffee

'Cause I'm doing a run

I like this song.

Um, so the idea with this song

was basically that there's so many songs

in the past about

about working-class jobs,

but not a lot about the labor exploitation

of the modern world,

so that was the idea here.

Barely people, somehow legal

My beard is a little shorter in this video

'cause I filmed it a couple weeks ago.

Go back to your dorm

And since you can't afford a mortgage

You just

I think it holds up.

The song, not the beard.

Unpaid

And then you cut.

I think it's funny to cut right on--

do a reaction video

to the song that you just saw me perform.

-Thought that might be fun.

-What

Um, so I got my

Because this video played after that.

Right. So, and now Right.

Okay, so I'll just keep reacting.

So, this is me reacting to the song.

Um

What I'm doing is I'm explaining

what the song means.

Um, and what it's about.

I'm being a little pretentious.

It's, uh it's an instinct I have

where I need everything that I write

to have some deeper meaning or something.

But it's a stupid song,

and, uh, it doesn't really mean anything,

and, uh, it's it's pretty unlikable

that I that I feel this need,

this desperate need,

to be seen as intelligent.

And the video's ending here,

as you can see,

and look, I'm very confused.

See, I'm very, very confused.

'Cause I'm staring at myself,

I don't know what I'm looking at,

and I'm starting to catch up now,

and realizing what's going on.

And, uh, yeah, now I'm deciding to react

to the reaction to the video.

So here, um, I'm reacting

to my own reacting,

and I'm criticizing my initial reaction

for for being pretentious,

which is which is honestly,

it's a it's a defense mechanism.

I'm I'm so worried

that criticism will be levied against me

that I levy it against myself

before anyone else can.

And I think that, "Oh, if I'm self-aware

about being a douchebag,

it'll somehow make me less

of a douchebag." But it but it doesn't.

Um, self-awareness does not absolve

anybody of anything.

Am I balding?

This is really, really disturbing.

I don't like looking at myself like this,

and I want I want this to stop.

Okay, I want this to stop.

I'm I'm stopping this.

So, yeah,

that was, uh, my reaction to the song,

and I hope you enjoyed it.

CEO, entrepreneur

Born in1964

Jeffrey

Jeffrey Bezos

CEO, entrepreneur

Born in 1964

Jeffrey

Jeffrey Bezos

Come on, Jeffrey, you can do it

Pave the way, put your back into it

Tell us why

Show us how

Look at where you came from

Look at you now

Zuckerberg and Gates and Buffet

Amateurs can f*cking suck it

f*ck their wives, drink their blood

Come on, Jeff, get 'em!

I don't know about you guys,

but, um, you know,

I've been thinking recently that

that you know, maybe, um, allowing

giant digital media corporations to

exploit the neurochemical drama

of our children for profit

You know, maybe that was, uh

a bad call

by us.

Maybe

maybe the the flattening of the entire

subjective human experience

into a lifeless exchange of value

that benefits nobody,

except for, um, you know,

a handful of bug-eyed salamanders

in Silicon Valley

Maybe that as a as a way of life forever

maybe that's, um, not good.

I'm

horny.

Sexting

It isn't sex

It's the next best thing

Sexting

Aye, aye

AT&T

I am in bed

I am ready to go with you

Tonight I'm thinking of taking it slow

We'll use emojis only

We don't need phonetical diction

We'll talk dirty

Like we're ancient Egyptians

You send me a peach

I send a carrot back

You send a Ferris wheel

That's pretty abstract

I send back a ticket stub

Implying that

The Ferris wheel's your body

And I'd really love admission to it

Oh no!

What if now you think

That I'm implying

Your vag*na

Is as big as a Ferris wheel?

Damn

You send back a snowman

Crisis averted

-Thank God

-Sexting

It isn't sex

It's the next best thing

Sexting

Aye, aye

AT&T

No more emojis, now it's on to words

I ask what you're wearing

You reply, "A shirt"

You say, "Are you naked?"

I say, "Yeah, except for a top hat"

You say, ""lmao." But I doubt that

I'm getting hot at just the thought

Of what I'd do to you

'Cause in my head I'm in your bed

And getting through to you

They made the Internet

For nights like these

I love you, baby

Send a picture of your tits, please

-Sexting

-Whoa

It isn't sex

It's the next best thing

Sexting

-We are sexting

-Aye, aye

AT&T

You send the pic

And say it's now my turn

Jesus f*cking Christ

I guess I never learn

My phone's flash is my only light

And the flash

Makes my d*ck look frightened

I chicken out

And send a picture of my face instead

Because my d*ck looks like

The baby from Eraserhead

You say, "I sent my titties

That's not fair"

So I send it to you

And then my phone dies

Another night on my own, yeah

Stuck in my home, yeah

Sitting alone, one hand on my d*ck

And one hand on my phone, yeah

Another night on my own, yeah

Stuck in my home, yeah

Sitting alone, one hand on my d*ck

And one hand on my phone, yeah

Another night on my own, yeah

Stuck in my home, yeah

Sitting alone, one hand on my d*ck

-And one hand on my phone, yeah

-p*ssy

-Another night on my own, yeah

-Titties

-Stuck in my home, yeah

-Balls

Sitting alone, one hand on my d*ck

And one hand on my phone, yeah

Hey, everybody.

Um, I just wanted to make

a really quick video to say thank you.

-Thank you for watching my content.

As you guys know,

I work really hard

to try to bring you guys

high-quality content

that I think you'll enjoy.

So the fact that you are enjoying it,

means everything to me.

So thank you, and also keep watching,

'cause there's a lot more content

where that came from.

All right, guys, see you later.

Trying to be funny and stuck in a room

There isn't much more to say about it

Can one be funny when stuck in a room?

I took a big f*cking breath.

Trying to be funny and stuck in a room

There isn't much more to say about it

Can one be funny when stuck in a room?

Being in

Trying to get something out of it

Try making faces

Try telling jokes

Making little sounds

I was a kid who was stuck in his room

There isn't much more to say about it

When you're a kid

And you're stuck in your room

You'll do any old shit

To get out of it

Try making faces

Try telling jokes

Making little sounds

Well, well

Look who's inside again

Went out to look

For a reason to hide again

Well, well

Buddy, you found it

Now come out with your hands up

We've got you surrounded

One more.

I grew up as your usual suburbanite

A tiny town in Massachusetts

Overwhelmingly white

I went to church on Sundays

In a suit and a tie

Then spent my free time

Watching Family Guy

I started doing comedy

When I was just a sheltered kid

I wrote offensive shit

And I said it

Father, please forgive me

For I did not realize what I did

Or that I'd live to regret it

Times are changing

And I'm getting old

Are you gonna hold me accountable?

My bed is empty, and I'm getting cold

Isn't anybody gonna

Hold me accountable?

I'm problematic

He's a problem

When I was 17, on Halloween

I dressed up as Aladdin

He's a problem

I did not darken my skin

But still it feels weird in hindsight

I want to show you

How I'm growing as a person, but first

I feel I must address the lyrics

From the previous verse

I tried to hide behind my childhood

And that's not okay

My actions are my own

I won't explain them away

I've done a lot of self-reflecting

Since I started singing this song

I was totally wrong when I said it

Father, please forgive me

For I did not realize what I did

Or that I'd live to regret it

Times are changing

And I'm getting old

Are you gonna hold me accountable?

My bed is empty, and I'm getting cold

Isn't anybody gonna

Hold me accountable?

I'm problematic

He's a problem

I just remembered that Aladdin costume's

In my mother's attic

-He's a problem

-I'm gonna go home and burn it

Or not burn it. Is burning it bad?

What should I do with it?

And I've been totally awful

My closet is chock-full of stuff

That is vaguely shitty

All of it was perfectly lawful

Just not very thoughtful at all

And just really shitty

And I've been totally awful

My closet is chock-full of stuff

That is vaguely shitty

All of it was perfectly lawful

Just not very thoughtful at all

And just really

And I'm really f*cking sorry

Bitch, I'm trying to listen

Shit, Ive been complacent

Sorry

If I'm gonna catch up

First, I gotta fess up

Sorry

Sorry

Sh--

So, um

I've been working on this special now

for six months.

And the whole time

I've had a a goal in mind,

which is I wanted to finish this thing

before I turned 30.

Um, because the idea of of turning 30,

while still in this f*cking room,

working on this thing alone,

um, that just seemed

I just I just wanted to avoid that.

So

And you might be thinking, "Well,

that's fine. You know, look at you."

"You radiate such youth."

"You must not be turning 30 for years."

And that's very, uh, nice of you to say.

But the truth is

um, I turn 30

in less than a minute.

So I'm just gonna sit here and enjoy

uh, my twenties,

and thenget back to work.

Yay.

I used to run for miles

I used to ride my bike

I used to wake up with a smile

And goto bed at night with a dream

Ah.

But now I'm turning 30

No!

I used to be the young one

Got used to meeting people

Who were used to meeting someone

Who was born in 1990

No way!

Yeah, I was born in 1990.

Now I'm turning 30

God God damn it.

-I'm

-Turning 30, turning 30

-Turning

-Turning 30, turning 30

-Thirty

-Turning 30, turning 30

-I'm turning 30

-Turning 30, turning 30

When he was 27

My granddad fought in Vietnam

When I was 27

I built a birdhouse with my mom

Oh f*ck.

How am I 30?

I used to make fun of the boomers

In retrospect, a bit too much

Now all these f*cking zoomers

Are telling me that I'm out of touch

Oh yeah? Well, your f*cking phones

are poisoning your minds. Okay?

So when you develop

a dissociative mental disorder

in your late twenties,

don't come crawling back to me.

-I'm

-Turning 30, turning 30

-Turning

-Turning 30, turning 30

-Thirty

-Turning 30, turning 30

-I'm turning 30

-Turning 30, turning 30

And now my stupid friends

Are having stupid children

My stupid friends

Are having stupid children

My stupid friends

Are having stupid children

My stupid friends

Are having stupid children

And now my stupid friends

Are having stupid children

My stupid friends

Are having stupid children

My stupid friends

Are having stupid children

Stupid, f*cking ugly, boring children

It's 2020, and I'm 30

I'll do another ten

2030 I'll be 40 and k*ll myself then

-Okay.

Check that one.

-We'll do one more.

I just wanna say for the record, um,

that I do not want to k*ll myself, okay?

I don't wanna k*ll myself,

and I'm not going to k*ll myself.

Um, and if you're out there and you're

struggling with suicidal thoughts

and you want to k*ll yourself,

I just want to tell you don't.

Okay? Can you not, please?

Just don't. All right?

f*cking quit it with the--

But really, don't k*ll yourself.

You don't want to, because

There are people that love you

That's not true necessarily,

but there could be people

that love you in the future,

and just don't.

I've had people close to me

k*ll themselves,

and I'll be honest with you,

didn't love it.

Didn't love that.

So just don't.

But if I could k*ll myself for a year

If I can-- I'd do it today.

If I could k*ll myself today and be dead

until like 18 months from now,

um, I would do it, but alas

when you k*ll yourself,

you're dead forever,

and we shouldn't be dead forever yet.

So let's not. Right?

Come on, guys.

How are you feeling?

Do you like the show?

Are you tired of it?

Never mind, I don't wanna know

Are you finding it boring?

Too fast, too slow?

I'm asking but don't answer

'Cause I don't wanna know

Do I have your attention?

Yes or no?

I bet I'd guess the answer

But I don't wanna know

Am I on in the background?

Are you on your phone?

I'd ask you what you're watching

But I don't wanna know

Is there anyone out there?

Or am I all alone?

It wouldn't make a difference

Still I don't wanna know

I thought it'd be over by now

But I got a while to go

I'd give away the ending

But you don't wanna kn--

What's up, boys. Welcome to the stream.

Um, I'm gonna be doing

some live play today

for the first time in a while.

Uh, you guys have been wanting that,

so we're gonna do--

This is the title, Inside.

I've got a lot of requests

for this game in chat.

It's some indie developer.

I'm not really sure.

I'm going in totally cold on this.

Um, JB, thank you for the three months.

My dude, much appreciated.

Um Okay.

That looks pretty good, graphics-wise.

I mean, I know it's a cinematic, but

So we're gonna be trying

to do live plays every day this week,

so tune in for that.

I would be gifting 30 subs

at the end of the week.

Um, day 50, 250 All right,

so this dude's been in here for a while.

-So is this like an escape the room?

-Or

Okay.

So I can cry.

So he's he's not happy

about being in this room.

I like the music.

The music is actually nice on this.

Controls are actually pretty smooth.

So you're in this like 2D set up, right?

Like, I can't control the camera.

Um

I'll give it-- I guess I'll cry again.

-He's--

So is the dude big, or is the room small?

That's what I'm confused about.

Chat's saying, try the door.

Yeah, well, okay.

I mean, I don't think

it's gonna be that simple, but I will.

Yeah, there ya go.

Um, okay,

Well, I think he'll probably cry again.

-It's tough, dude.

-It's tough. He's been in here a while.

Um, see, I don't like that.

I don't know why they feel the need

to give the hint so quick.

I just wish they'd let me

let me explore a little bit.

Wha I'm holding the flashlight

like a like a cop.

-Why is he doing that?

Ah.

All right. Okay. So

All right.

Okay, he seems a little happier now.

That's nice.

I don't know.

I'll cry, I guess, again.

Okay, I'm not sure

what I'm supposed to be do--

Oh! Nice.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, great. Um

All right, I'm into this.

Yeah, it's giving me

sort of like Death Stranding vibes,

you know,

'cause it's, like, it's f*cking boring,

but that's, like, the point, I think.

Dante, thank you for the four months.

Appreciate it.

- How we feeling out there tonight?

Yeah.

I am not feeling good.

Wake up at 11:30

-Feeling like a bag of shit

-Oh no!

All my clothes are dirty

So I'm smelling like a bag of shit

Go to pour my coffee, and I miss my cup

OMG, that is just my luck

Look in the mirror

Say, "What's up, you useless f*ck?"

Are you feeling what I'm feeling?

I haven't had a shower

In the last nine days

Ah

Staring at the ceiling

And waiting

For this feeling to go away

But it won't go away

I'm not really feeling

Like I wanna get lit

-Tell us how you're feeling

-Well, I feel like shit

Oh, shit

Feeling like

A saggy, massive sack of shit

Oh, shit

Big 'ol m*therf*cking

Duffel bag of shit

Oh, shit

All day, all shit

I'm not really feeling

Like I wanna get lit

-Tell us how you're feeling

-I'm feeling like shit

-Ladies, do you feel like shit?

-Yeah

-Tell me, do you feel like shit?

-Oh yeah

-Fellas, are you feeling like shit?

-Huh

-Tell me, are you feeling like shit?

-Oh yeah

-Ladies, do you feel like shit?

-Yeah?

-Tell me, do you feel like shit?

-Oh yeah

-Fellas, are you feeling like shit?

-Huh?

-Tell me, are you feeling like shit?

-Oh yeah

So, um, my

uh, my current mental health is is

rapidly approaching,um, an ATL,

which is, um, that's an "all-time low,"

not not Atlanta.

And

You know, I feel okay when I'm asleep.

Like when I'm asleep, I feel all right,

but it's basically

from the moment I wake up,

I, uh, I just get this--

Feeling in my body

Way down deep inside me

-I try not to fight it

-Describe it

All right

A few things start to happen

My vision starts to flatten

My heart, it gets to tappin'

And I think I'm gonna die

Yeah, so, um

Yeah. Not

Not doing great.

Welcome to the Internet

Have a look around

Anything that brain of yours

Can think of can be found

We've got mountains of content

Some better, some worse

If none of it's of interest to you

You'd bethe first

Welcome to the Internet

Come and take a seat

Would you like to see the news

Or any famous women's feet?

There's no need to panic

This isn't a test

Just nod or shake your head

And we'll do the rest

Welcome to the Internet

What would you prefer?

Would you like to fight

For civil rights or tweet a racial slur?

Be happy, be horny

Be bursting with rage

We got a million different ways

To engage

Welcome to the Internet

Put your cares aside

Here's a tip for straining pasta

Here's a nine-year-old who died

We got movies and doctors

And fantasy sports

And a bunch of colored-pencil drawings

Of all the characters in Harry Potter

f*cking each other

Welcome to the Internet

Hold on to your socks

'Cause a random guy just kindly sent you

Photos of his cock

They are grainy and off-putting

He just sent you more

Don't act surprised

You know you like it, you whore

See a man beheaded

Get offended, see a shrink

Show us pictures of your children

Tell us every thought you think

Start a rumor, buy a broom

Or send a death threat to a boomer

Or DM a girl and groom her

Do a Zoom or find a tumor

And here's a healthy breakfast option

You should k*ll your mom

Here's why women never f*ck you

Here's how you can build a b*mb

Which Power Ranger are you?

Take thisquirky quiz

Obama sent the immigrants

To vaccinate your kids

Could I interest you in everything

All of the time?

A little bit of everything

All of the time

Apathy's a tragedy

And boredom is a crime

Anything and everything

All of the time

Could I interest you in everything

All of the time?

A little bit of everything

All of the time

Apathy's a tragedy

And boredom is a crime

Anything and everything

All of the time

You know,

it wasn't always like this.

Not very long ago

Just before your time

Right before the towers fell

Circa '99

This was catalogues

Travel blogs

A chat room or two

We set our sights and spent our nights

Waiting

For you

You

Insatiable you

Mommy let you use her iPad

You were barely two

And it did all the things

We designed it to do

Now look at you

Oh.

Look at you

You, you

Unstoppable, watchable

Your time is now

Your inside's out

Honey, how you grew

And if we stick together

Who knows what we'll do

It was always the plan

To put the world in your hand

Could I interest you in everything

All of the time?

A bit of everything all of the time

Apathy's a tragedy

And boredom is a crime

Anything and everything

All of the time

Could I interest you in everything

All of the time?

A little bit of everything

All of the time

Apathy's a tragedy

And boredom is a crime

Anything and everything

And anything and everything

And anything and everything

All of the time

I've been freaking out for a long time,

thinking I'm never gonna finish

this specialand be working on it forever.

And recently, I've been feeling like,

"Oh, man, maybe I am

getting close to done with this."

"Maybe I'm gonna finish it after all."

And that has made me completely freak out

because if I finish this special,

that means that I have to,

um, not work on it anymore.

And that means

I have to just live my life,

and so I'm not gonna do that,

and I'm gonna not finish the special.

I'm gonna work on it forever, I think.

So, yeah, I'm gonna work on this forever,

and I'm never gonna release it.

I'm not talking to anybody now.

I'm just talking to myself.

So, yeah, who f*cking cares?

f*ck you, and goodbye,

and let's keep going.

Jeffrey Bezos

Jeffrey Bezos

Jeffrey Bezos

Ah

Jeffrey Bezos

Jeffrey Bezos

Jeffrey Bezos

You did it!

Jeffrey Bezos

Jeffrey Bezos

Jeffrey Bezos

Congratulations!

Man, you guys are a great crowd.

Give it up for yourselves for coming out,

by the way, tonight. Give it up.

Supporting live comedy

in these weird times.

Um, it's crazy. Um

These are some pretty crazy times,

but it's nice during these crazy times

that we can get together. We can laugh.

You know? Um

I've learned something

over this last year,

which is pretty funny.

Um, I've learned that

real-world human-to-human

tactile contact will k*ll you,

and that all human interaction,

whether it be social, political,

spiritual, sexual, or interpersonal

should be contained

in the much more safe, much more real

interior digital space.

That the outside world,

the non-digital world,

is merely a theatrical space

in which one stages and records content

for the much more real,

much more vital digital space.

One should only engage

with the outside world

as one engages with a coal mine.

Suit up, gather what is needed,

and return to the surface.

Um

And is it just me, or do pirates need

to take a little bit better care

of their f*ckin' maps?

You know, when I find a pirate's map,

it's it's always tea-stained,

and the edges are burnt,

and it's like if you're a pirate,

all right, and you're gonna

make this map and expect me

to carry it around the globe

as I search for your treasure,

then laminate it.

I can't really, uh,

play the guitar very well,

um, or sing, so

You know, apologies.

Stunning 8K resolution meditation app

In honor of the revolution

It's half-off at the Gap

Deadpool, self-awareness

Loving parents, harmless fun

The backlash to the backlash

To the thing that's just begun

There it is

Again

That funny feeling

That funny feeling

There it is

Again

That funny feeling

That funny feeling

The surgeon general's pop-up shop

Robert Iger's face

Discount Etsy agitprop

Bugle's take on race

Female Colonel Sanders

Easy answers, civil w*r

The whole world at your fingertips

The ocean at your door

The live-action Lion King

The Pepsi halftime show

Twenty thousand years of this

Seven more to go

Carpool Karaoke

Steve Aoki, Logan Paul

A gift shop at the g*n range

A mass sh**ting at the mall

There it is

Again

That funny feeling

That funny feeling

There it is

Again

That funny feeling

That funny feeling

Reading Pornhub's terms of service

Going for a drive

And obeying all the traffic laws

In Grand Theft Auto 5

Full agoraphobic

Losing focus, cover blown

A book on getting better

Hand-delivered by a drone

Total disassociation

Fully out your mind

Googling "derealization"

Hating what you find

That unapparent summer air

In early fall

The quiet comprehending

Of the ending of it all

There it is

Again

That funny feeling

That funny feeling

There it is

Again

That funny feeling

That funny feeling

Hey, what can ya say?

We were overdue

But it'll be over soon

You wait

Hey, what can ya say?

We were overdue

But it'll be over soon

Just wait

Hey, what can ya say?

We were overdue

But it'll be over soon

You wait

Hey, what can ya say?

We were overdue

But it'll be over soon

You wait

Hey, what can ya say?

We were overdue

But it'll be over soon

You wait

So, I--

Jesus.

So I've been working

on this, uh, special for

a year now.

It--

f*cking

So I've been working on this special

for, um, a year now,

which is, um, a lot longer

than I anticipated working on it.

When I started

So I've been working on--

I f*cking

I can't. I f*cking

f*cking

I am

not

um, well.

Thank you, guys. Thank you very much.

Thank you.

You guys have been incredible. Thank you.

I couldn't have done this

without you guys.

I couldn't, really. I

This last year has been

You know, there have been times

that, um

But just knowing you're here,

you know, feeling you here with me.

Um

Yeah, thank you.

You know, I hate to ask because, uh,

you've given me so much.

But

I need you to do one more thing for me.

Can you do that?

Get your f*ckin' hands up

Get on out of your seats

All eyes on me

All eyes on me

Get your f*ckin' hands up

Get on out of your seats

All eyes on me

All eyes on me

Are you feeling nervous?

Are you having fun?

It's almost over

It's just begun

Don't overthink this

Look in my eye

Don't be scared, don't be shy

Come on in, the water's fine

We're going to go

Where everybody knows

Everybody knows

Everybody

We're going to go

Where everybody knows

Everybody knows

Get your f*ckin' hands up

Get on out of your seat

All eyes on me

All eyes on me

Get your f*ckin' hands up

Get on out of your seat

All eyes on me

All eyes on me, yeah

Hands down

Pray for me

Heads down now

Pray for me

Get your f*ckin' hands up

Get on out of your seat

All eyes on me

All eyes on me

You want to hear a funny story?

So, uh,

five years ago, I quit

performing live comedy,

because I was beginning to have, uh,

severe panic att*cks while on stage,

which is not a great place to have them.

So, I I quit.

And I didn't perform for five years,

and I spent that time

trying to improve myself mentally.

And you know what?

I did!

I got better.

I got so much better, in fact,

that in January of

2020,

I thought, "You know what, I should

start performing again."

"I've been hiding from the world,

and I need to

reenter."

And then

the funniest thing happened.

Are you feeling nervous?

Are you having fun?

It's almost over

It's just begun

Don't overthink this

Look in my eye

Don't be scared, don't be shy

Come on in, the water's fine

You say the ocean's rising

Like I give a shit

You say the whole world's ending

Honey, it already did

You're not gonna slow it

Heaven knows you tried

Got it?

Good. Now get inside

We're going to go

Where everybody knows

Everybody knows

Everybody knows

We're going to go

Where everybody knows

Everybody knows

Come on, get your f*ckin' hands up

Get on out of your seat

All eyes on me

All eyes on me

Come on, get your f*ckin' hands up

Get on out of your seat

All eyes on me

All eyes on me, yeah

Hands down

Pray for me

Heads down now

Pray for me

I said, get your f*ckin' hands up

Get up. Get up.

I'm talking to you,

get the f*ck up!

Get your f*ckin' hands up

Get on out of your seat

All eyes on me

All eyes on me

Hey, now get your f*ckin' hands up

Get on out of your seat

All eyes on me

All eyes on me, yeah

Come on, hands down

Pray for me

Heads down now

Pray for me

I said get your f*ckin' hands up

Get--

All eyes on me

All eyes on me

Hi.

Welcome to, uh, whatever this is, um

I think--

I think I'm I'm done.

Um, possible uh, ending song

that is not finished yet.

Test.

Take one.

So long

Goodbye

I'll see you when I see you

You can pick the street

I'll meet you on the other side

So long

Goodbye

Do I really have to finish?

Do returns always diminish?

Did I say that right?

Does anybody want

To joke when no one's

Laughing in the background?

So this is how it ends

I promise

To never go outside again

So long

Bye

I'm slowly losing power

Has it only been an hour?

No, that can't be right

So long

Goodbye

Hey, here's a fun idea

How about I sit on the couch

And I watch you next time

I wanna hear you tell

A joke when no one's

Laughing in the background

So this is how it ends

I promise

To never go outside again

Am I going crazy?

Would I even know?

Am I right back where I started

Fourteen years ago?

Wanna guess the ending?

If it ever does

I swear to God

That all I've ever wanted

Was a little bit of everything

All of the time

A bit of everything all of the time

Apathy's a tragedy

And boredom is a crime

I'm finished playing

And I'm staying inside

If I wake up in a house

That's full of smoke

I'll panic

So call me up and tell me a joke

When I'm fully irrelevant

And totally broken, damn it

Call me up and tell me a joke

Oh shit

You're really joking

At a time like this

Well, well

Look who's inside again

Went out to look

For a reason to hide again

Well, well

Buddy, you found it

Now come out with your hands up

We've got you surrounded

It'll stop any day now

Any day now

Any day now

It'll stop any day now

Any day now

Any day now

It'll stop any day now

Any day now

Any day now

It'll stop any day now

Any day now

Any daynow

It'll stop any day now

Any day now

Any day now

It'll stop any day now

Any day now
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