♪♪
-Dot com.
[ "Like a Rolling Stone"
by Bob Dylan playing ]
♪♪
-♪ Once upon a time
you dressed so fine ♪
♪ Threw the bums a dime
in your prime ♪
♪ Didn't you? ♪
♪♪
♪ People call,
say: Beware, doll ♪
♪ You're bound to fall ♪
♪ You thought they were all ♪
♪ A-kidding you ♪
♪♪
♪ You used to laugh about ♪
♪ Everybody that was
hanging out ♪
♪ Now you don't talk so loud ♪
♪ Now you don't
seem so proud ♪
♪ About having to be
scrounging ♪
♪ Your next meal ♪
♪ How does it feel ♪
[ Cheering and applause ]
♪ How does it feel ♪
♪♪
♪ To be without a home ♪
♪♪
♪ Like a complete unknown ♪
♪♪
♪ Like a rolling stone ♪
♪♪
[ Cheering and applause ]
[Chanting]
-Louis! Louis! Louis!
-[ Clears throat ]
[ Laughter ]
Well...
[ Cheering and applause ]
M-my -- my favorite
sex position...
[ Laughter ]
My favorite sexual position is,
uh, reverse cowgirl --
but I'm on top.
[ Laughter ]
Are you picturing that?
It's good.
It's really good.
Nobody gets pregnant.
It's a lot of fun.
I'm trying to learn things
about myself.
Um, I got a scale for
my bathroom.
I'm not trying to lose weight,
I'm just interested in the data.
[ Laughter ]
And I did learn something,
I learned this --
because I weigh myself
every night before I go to bed;
and then I also weigh myself
on the morning when I get up
and I --
here's what I learned --
I weigh two pounds less
every morning
than when I went to bed --
and I found out why,
it's because I shit in my bed
every night.
[ Laughter ]
I do -- I take a full
two-pound dump in bed,
and then I turn out the lights
and I go to sleep.
Because I don't want
to sleep alone.
Your needs change when you
get older --
at my age, a big -- big pile of
shit's as good as anybody.
[ Laughter ]
I actually have a girlfriend,
but we're struggling,
because she lives in France,
uh, she's French, she lives
all the way over there,
and we haven't been able
to see each other for a year
because of the disease.
I have AIDS.
And, uh --
[ Laughter ]
She's great, though, she sends
me presents all the time.
That's how she keeps it going.
She sends me gifts in the mail.
I get something
from her every week.
Sometimes it's chocolate
from France or a shirt
she wishes I would wear
instead of things like this.
And sometimes she sends
something to make fun of me
because she's a little
f*cked up,
so last time she sent me
a pair of little girl's panties.
And, uh -- yeah, I was like,
"That's not funny,"
because these are
in my house now.
I can't get rid of 'em!
It's like nuclear waste!
Think of it,
I can't throw them out
because I can't have people
find little girl's panties
in my garbage with coffee
grounds and butter on 'em.
[ Laughter ]
And every solution I think
of makes it worse,
like, if I --
if I put 'em in a bag
inside another bag and...
Layers of duct tape,
wrapped in tinfoil.
Or if I put him in a coffee can
and I nail it shut
and I bury it in the park
in the middle of the night.
Or if I cut 'em
into tiny pieces...
...and throw away one piece
each week
in a different town.
My friend tried to help me,
he's like,
"Why don't you just burn them?"
I'm like, Do you understand?
Even if there's
a one-in-a-million chance
I get caught burning
little girl's panties...
[ Laughter ]
So I'm wearing them right now.
So...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yep -- it's the only solution
I could come up with,
I wear 'em every day...
And I hand-wash them.
And then I dry them like this --
[ Blowing ]
Just right on
the little strawberries.
[ Laughter ]
Here's the thing: men...
our biggest fear in life is that
we're going to get caught
being a kid fucker,
that's every guy's biggest fear.
Even if you would never do it,
every guy's like,
"That's what's going to happen
to me, I know it."
It's like being afraid of sharks
when you live in the desert,
like, "I don't go to the ocean,
but it's going to happen."
'Cause it's a fear
not based in its likelihood,
but in how horrible it would be
if it happened.
Because when they catch
a pedophile, holy f*ck.
Holy shit!
It's brutal --
because we're scared,
we're so scared of pedophilia
because it's here
and it's not going anywhere.
That's a fact -- it's not like
there's a finite amount
of pedophiles, and,
"We got the last one!"
No, they keep --
it keeps happening;
every generation, there's more.
Some of you have kids and some
of them are going to grow up,
and f*ck kids, they might,
you know?
Okay, no, I'm --
of course --
of course not yours,
for some reason, but --
[ Laughter ]
They're coming from someplace.
So any real solution
has to start with
the basic reality
that there will always
be pedophiles.
Not a great thought,
I understand,
it's not an uplifting...
You wouldn't put that
on a fridge magnet.
[ Laughter ]
Or on your screensaver
at the office.
"There will always be
pedophiles."
"Hey, where's Jim?
He's not at his desk."
We do -- we have to start
with that reality,
because our solutions that we
have so far don't really work.
Here is our current solution
to pedophilia:
We wait till somebody fucks
about 10,000 kids,
and then we go, "All right, you,
you better cut that out."
That's pretty much it.
There is no measures
for preventing it.
None! We have no policy
to prevent it pe--
No, we're not even just --
like a street sign.
There's a street sign
for everything!
"No hunting," "no spitting,"
"no skateboarding."
I've never seen a "Don't f*ck
a child" sign in the w--
I've been all over the world!
Not even just like a picture of
a guy f*cking a kid
with a line through it,
so that it...
transcends language barriers.
I mean, try it!
You won't get most of them
with the sign.
But even if one out
of 50 of them is like,
"Oh, shit, I'm sorry,
I didn't know it was an issue,"
that's money well spent!
There's things that might work,
and we don't even try them.
Like, is anybody working on very
realistic child sex dolls?
Okay, then let 'em
f*ck your kids forever,
is th-- if that's better!
I'm so sorry...
for suggesting something
that might actually work.
"Oh, no!
Let 'em f*ck both my sons,
but don't make a doll.
That would be distasteful."
The thing is that this --
I'm still talking about it --
this -- this problem...
We lose things because
we won't really face it,
you know, that are important us,
like the Boy Scouts.
Boy Scouts -- wonderful thing,
being sued out of existence
'cause of all the kid fuckery
that goes on.
And I know it's upsetting,
because, look,
here's the thing: the Boy Scouts
is a wonderful thing for kids.
They go to the woods,
they work together,
they learn skills,
they get in touch with nature.
What could it be better
for a boy than that?
But some of those guys
want to f*ck the kids.
I don't think they do it a lot.
It's not like there's just
a shit-load of kids
being f*cked in
the Boy Scouts;
I think it's mostly that
they find out
that the guy wants to...
I don't actually know, though.
I don't.
Do you know why I don't know?
Because I'm afraid
to look it up!
I'll go to prison
for typing it
into a Google!
How do you solve a problem
if you're afraid
to f*cking look it up?
"How many Boy Scouts
get f*cked on a --"
[ Imitating alarm blaring ]
"Oh, shit!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Every time I move,
I've got to tell my neighbors
that I looked that up.
Here's what happens --
every few years you find out
there's some pedophile-type
people in the Boy Scouts
and then they announce,
"We got -- we got 'em all,
we're good."
And then a year later,
"Whoa, there's a bunch more!"
[ Harrumphs ]
"What's going on here?!"
At some point, you've got
to wake up to the basic fact
that the -- maybe the people
who are best suited
to give your kids
these wonderful experiences
are folks
that want to f*ck them.
Maybe that's --
Maybe that's why
they're good at it.
Maybe that's -- if you want
that, that's where you go.
Maybe that's just
the way that goes.
Who else would want to take
a bunch of kids
to the f*cking woods?!
Who wants to take your shit kid
to the f*cking woods?!
You don't want to take 'em!
Who else would want to do that,
except people that are
barely containing
that they want to f*ck
every kid in the face?
That's why they're good at it.
That's what makes them
good at it.
I'm not saying that all
Scoutmasters are pedophiles.
I might be saying
that the best ones are.
I might be saying that.
That sounds right.
So I don't know -- you have to
lose the whole thing?
Just tell your kids, "Some of
those guys want to f*ck you,
just be careful,
have a good time."
Take the contribution
from where it comes.
Michael Jackson --
wonderful music,
blessed us with
wonderful music --
did some other things, too.
What -- look, what's worse:
a pedophile
who makes beautiful music,
or one that doesn't?
This is the choices.
"No pedophiles"
is not on the menu.
So how've you all been enjoying
living the way
I already was for a couple
of years before all this shit?
[ Laughter and applause ]
Welcome to my life.
Can't work, can't go outside,
can't show your face,
gotta wash your groceries.
[ Laughter ]
'Cause I got cum
on the groceries.
That's why I just -- in my mind,
that's what it means.
Maybe that's not what
you're thinking, but...
I have a solution
for the pandemic, by the way,
for COVID, I have it.
This is it: We test everybody,
first of all, and every time
we find somebody who has COVID,
you k*ll them.
That's it.
That's the solution.
You won't need another one
after that one.
That's the final one.
It's been pretty amazing to be
alive during this thing,
during COVID, because you're not
going to see this again,
and, wow, did we
learn some shit.
That's really -- the things
that teach you in life
are things you never would have
chosen to do for yourself.
I mean, think about your life
as far as it's been,
where you had the choices,
where you're like,
"I'm going to do this,
I'm going to pursue this."
It all goes to shit,
every bit of it.
And even when it goes right,
you're like,
"Why don't I like it?
It's what I wanted.
But why don't I like it?!"
Because it's your choice and
your choices are based on fear
and f*cking just thin,
stupid, shitty hopes.
But when life just kicks you
in the balls and you're like,
"Oh, f*ck,
everything's different now,"
and you...
It shows you shit you wouldn't
have looked at otherwise.
That's the great joy in it.
And what I thought was
really interesting
about COVID, and still is,
is that it's the first thing
I've seen
where everyone on Earth
had the same problem.
Every human being on Earth
had the same problem,
and we never had that before.
That's why we don't give a shit
about each other,
because you read, like, "Oh,
there's floods in Houston,"
you're like,
"It's f*cking water!
What is it? What's your problem?
Floods...
What does that?
Just walk like this.
What's -- what, you can't handle
some water?
My basement floods --
what the f*ck?
Who gives a shit?
Like, he's on a canoe
in the street --
that looks like fun.
Why is that an issue?"
There's fires in California.
What --
[ Blows ]
Blow it out.
What, you can't f*cking
blow out a fire?
Get the water from Houston
and dump it on California.
f*ckin' deal with it.
But we all had the same problem,
every person from Zimbabwe
to Tokyo to Newark to Honolulu,
everybody was doing
the same dumb shit.
Every person had the same stupid
f*cking moment
at the same -- just trying
to get the mask out of the well
of your car door,
trying to...
"I got to go in Walgreen's,
where's my f*cking mask?"
You try to...
It's got pistachio shells
in it and pennies.
Shake it -- "I'm sure it's
still effective."
I actually like the masks,
'cause it just --
everybody looked nice.
Everybody did,
'cause it's just their eyes.
Eyes are nice.
You never hear somebody say,
"That guy's got gross eyes."
It's really -- we should hide
these, we should keep the masks,
because this is disgusting,
how do we just --
with no shame,
"Look inside my face!
Ha-ha-ha!"
Spit and tongue and teeth?
It's f*cking gross!
Cover your mouth!
Don't --
I'd rather look at your assh*le
than your mouth.
I really would,
I'd rather
stare into your assh*le
than glance at your mouth.
Assholes aren't that bad,
not to look at.
We don't like to think
about assholes, 'cause, like,
you know, the shit and
the farts and the diarrhea.
But that's a small portion
of their time.
You ever really look at
an ass--
you ever really look?
[ Laughter ]
[ Blowing ]
Mmm.
Once you see it, like in nature,
it's just --
it's a little --
[ Squeaks ]
That's all.
That's your assh*le.
It's like --
you know what it is?
It's just an aperture,
that's all it is.
That's your assh*le.
It's like a camera shutter,
that's all it is.
It's like the opening to
the James Bond movies,
That's what your assh*le's --
[ Imitating James Bond theme ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Imitates g*nsh*t, flatulence ]
You ever go to lick
somebody's assh*le
and there's a little guy
with a g*n in there?
[ Laughter ]
It was bad.
But it really was an interesting
social experiment,
COVID, because everybody got
told the same thing --
the whole world
got told the same thing.
If you go out unnecessarily,
millions will die.
And a lot of us said,
"Oh, I'm going out."
[ Laughter ]
"Yeah...
I'm going now and a lot."
Yeah, and millions died.
Just, we're not that different
from the turtles
that you're trying to get them
not to cross the f*cking highway
and they're like this,
"Where I f*ck,
I f*cked over there, f*ck you."
And we're like, "Please stop!"
Putting little signs up --
"Don't go!"
And he's, "f*ck you.
I'm a turtle --"
[ Imitates splatting ]
It doesn't --
We're not that different.
We're just a f*ckin' species,
and we're just rolling along.
Yeah, many dying
old ladies died.
That's what happened.
Many dying old ladies
finished dying.
[ Laughter ]
Here's the way
you got to look at it, okay?
We're still making more.
We're making new old ladies.
every day.
There's a fresh batch coming,
they're going to be great.
I was having sex
with a woman once,
and she was so beautiful, I was
having trouble not cumming,
so I pictured her face
at 80 years old,
and then I came immediately.
[ Laughter ]
Because she was 92.
[ Laughter ]
Anyway.
One thing I found
very interesting
was that during the pandemic,
a lot of people really liked
counting the dead people.
That got very popular,
was counting the amount
of the dead and dying.
"Do you know how many people...
Just today!
Just today!
Do you know how many people
died of COVID-19?!"
Just today!"
When -- why -- wh--
Keeping a daily tally?
We don't do this --
a lot of shit going on
that we don't keep a daily tally
of how many...
babies were dropped
in a bucket of paint.
And I looked that up!
I'm not kidding you.
It's 30 a day,
it's a real problem.
I'm serious!
A steady 30 babies a day
are dropped in
buckets of paint.
It's not random, it's one guy
that won't stop doing it.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, we liked counting them,
we liked counting the dead.
And when it got really high,
we didn't know
how to count them anymore,
people trying to find
different ways to express
the number or take it in.
Remember January?
It was really b--
it was 3,000 people every day
were dying of COVID,
so people started saying this --
"This is 9-11 every day."
"This is literally
When did we start measuring
deaths in "9-11s"?
When did that become the new,
"how many football fields
long is it,"
for mass death?
"How many 9-11s
was World w*r II?
Can we look it up?"
I know the Holocaust
was 2,000 9-11s.
it was just one.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Only one 9-11 of people died
on 9-11.
That's like nobody died
that day.
See, it's all relative,
because then you have those --
later -- remember, January
was really bad,
January was the worst,
and then in April,
March/April, we all felt
better, everybody's like,
"Oh, it's way better now,
it's way better,
way better than January" --
I looked it up,
it was 1,500 people a day...
and everybody's like,
"It's way better than January."
Really?! It's half a 9-11
every single day.
But that's way better.
That would be like
if on 9-11, after the first
tower went down, you're like,
"Eh, that's not that bad...
It's just one.
Still got the other one,
that's why they made two."
It's okay, it's all right to...
make fun of 9-11,
it was a hoax.
Uh --
[ Laughter ]
All right.
Sorry.
Anyway...
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
I thought I had COVID
about three times,
I'm one of those idiots,
I was like,
"I think I have it.
Can you feel?"
I'm bad with pain too,
like, the other day
I hit my elbow
right on that spot
where if I had a g*n,
I'd be dead now,
you know, that s--
I can't do pain.
That's why
I could never be a cop.
I couldn't walk around
with a g*n right here.
There's 50 things a day
where I'd be like,
"f*ck that, that ain't worth..."
That's my main problem,
by the way,
with the whole
"defund the police" idea:
What about people who want
to commit su1c1de by cop?
What about them?
Anyway, we'll put a pin in that,
but...
We had a lot of protests
in New York,
and now we have protesters
that just live here.
They're not at a protest,
they're just here.
I saw a protester
in Washington Square Park.
She had green hair
and dirty legs.
And she's holding a little piece
of cardboard,
and it's -- with a Sharpie --
it said
"Abolish billionaires."
She's standing there.
And I thought, "I don't think
that's going to do it.
I don't --"
It doesn't feel like
that's going to result...
in Jeff Bezos going,
'What's happening to me?'"
[ Laughter ]
Sadly, it's going
to be okay for him.
I think that -- I thought it was
good how p---
how young people got out there
and they expressed themselves,
they went out there to solve
a lot of problems.
Not all the problems,
but some of them.
They went out there
to stop discrimination.
Uh, not all discrimination.
Just some of it, which is
a weird form of discrimination.
But there are groups...
There are groups that are
discriminated against,
the -- who don't have
any protesters
or any people
working for them.
And we all discriminate against
these people, like ugly people.
Everybody discriminates
against ugly people.
They do, and it's awful --
I mean, I'd rather be
discriminated against
for my race than for being ugly
because you might not lose a job
or a promotion,
but nobody kisses you
on the lips,
like, your whole f*cking life,
like, try that.
This is what we say
to ugly people --
"We don't like your face.
Just don't like it.
So no one's going to
fall in love with you,
and it's unanimous -- sorry."
And we just expect
ugly people to be like,
"Oh, no, I understand.
I mean, sure, my head shape
is no good for you,
so I'll -- I'll with --
I'll go without the things
that matter in life."
[ Laughter ]
Also, overweight people --
overweight people deal with
things that
none of us deal with --
because I'm not overweight.
There's people --
[ Laughter ]
who are discriminated against
because of their weight.
I read a story once about
a woman who was 600 pounds
and she couldn't get
medical care,
because everything --
she goes to the doctor,
he just says it's because
she's fat -- everything.
She's like, "My knees hurt,"
he's like,
"Yeah, my knees hurt just
looking at you,
what'd you think
was going to happen?"
She's like,
"I have chest pains,"
he says, "Yeah, 'cause your
organs are over capacity,
so they are hurting."
She's like,
"I got shot in the head,"
he's like, "Yeah,
because you're f*cking fat,
somebody shot you in the f*cking
head 'cause you're fat."
It's a terrible story.
Here's the worst part of
the story,
and this is true, this is true:
she needed an MRI because
she had something serious;
she's 600 pounds,
she doesn't fit in the machine.
Do you know what they did?
They sent her to the zoo.
I'm not kidding, they sent her
to the f*ckin' zoo!
That's what we do
for fat people...
who need an MRI!
"Hey, here's your
prescription -- go to the zoo.
Yeah, that's where
you should go.
You should go to the zoo."
By the way,
you know how many fat people
we have
in this country?
About 600 trillion-billion-
thousands of 'em!
You know how many
trans people there are?
About 38.
But if you're trans and you need
a restroom and it's awkward,
we'll change every restroom!
But if you're fat
and you need an MRI,
you go to the zoo,
you fat bitch.
Just go to the zoo.
You go experience that today.
What happens when she gets
to the zoo?
What actually f*cking happens
when she arrives
at the zoo?!
"Hi...
Are you here
to see the monkeys?"
"No, I'm here for an MRI."
"Oh, shit.
All right. Yeah.
Uh-Huh. Okay, just stand
in the straw over here.
Yeah, you're after the walrus
who has lymphoma."
[ Laughter ]
By the way, why is there an MRI
machine at the f*ckin' zoo?!
Who was it developing that
instead of
a fat-human-being MRI?
Who's paying for this shit?
You don't give an elephant
a f*cking magnetic resonance
image test!
Are you f*ckin' high?
That's obscene!
If an elephant is sick,
you just listen.
You do this thing.
"Me-sa thinks
she gonna die today."
I'm saying this out of respect
for elephants, by the way,
because we're supposed
to respect how they live.
They don't f*cking
cure their diseases.
This is not their culture,
this is our weird --
"Let's fix it!
Oh, he's sick!"
That's not how elephants live!
An elephant in the Serengeti
isn't like,
"I have a lump,
I have to see my oncologist."
When an elephant gets cancer,
he falls over
and takes his f*ckin' turn
and becomes food.
You don't put an elephant
in a state-of-the-art --
[ Imitates beeping ]
What if you find cancer?
What, are you going to
give them chemotherapy?
Think a skinny elephant
with a pink baseball hat.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Labored breathing ]
"Each day is a gift."
[ Laughter ]
I love animals, I do...
I do.
We have a weird relationship
to animals --
we name them
and we play with them,
and we k*ll them
and we eat them,
and we stuff them.
And we draw them.
I have a dog --
I love my dog,
but I don't know my dog.
We've never had a conversation,
not one time.
I talk and she just hears --
[ Gibberish ]
[ Gibberish ]
She looks at me,
I'm like, "Yes!"
She's like, "What, you don't
know what the f*ck I'm think --
f*ck you" --
I don't know this bitch,
I have no idea
what she's thinking.
I really wish I did,
I wish I knew
what she was thinking,
it's my biggest wish,
maybe, in life, is that I knew,
'cause I know she has thoughts.
I know she does.
There's no way she's just like,
"Dog."
There's stuff going on in here.
I've seen it.
You ever watch your dog
make a decision?
You ever d-- watch your dog just
walk in the room
and then look around, like...
"I'm going to go over here."
Why?!
Please tell me why!
I think my dog thinks
I'm insane
because I look at my life
through her -- through her eyes,
like, I'll watch TV
for four hours,
and from my dog's point of view,
I'm just sitting there.
[ Sustained laughter,
scattered applause ]
[ Exaggerated laughing ]
"What -- the f*ck is he
laughing, what happened?"
My dog is my life now
because my kids are grown up,
my kids are in college
and they're all, you know --
I'm an empty nester.
That's what you call it
when your kids are gone --
'cause they grow up,
not if they're dead.
It's not used that way.
"My daughter died of leukemia."
"Hey, you're an empty nester!"
[ Laughter ]
I miss it,
I miss having little kids.
I think about it all the time,
I think about it --
maybe adopting, you know,
I could adopt a baby
from a Third World country.
That's a good thing to do
because you can just
leave 'em outside,
you don't have to...
[ Laughter ]
You know, it's interesting --
we've been adopting babies
from other countries in America
for a long time.
You know, other countries do it
too, but I live here,
so I'll talk about that, but...
It's an interesting thing.
It's not a biological imperative
to go get a baby
from thousands of miles away,
but we've been doing that
in large numbers here
for a long time,
and not always
for the same reasons.
There's been different reasons
why we've done it.
In the early, like, in the '70s,
when I grew up,
sometimes you'd meet a couple
who had an African baby
that they brought
because there are those kind of,
you know,
these kinds of people, you know,
the kind of couples
that hold hands
when they announce things.
You know those kind of people?
They gather their friends
and they're like,
"We've decided" --
you know those...?
They have a farm table with
a clay pot of honey on it.
And their apple juice is cloudy.
You know
what I'm talking about?
Those are the kind of people
that make a trip to Zimbabwe
and get a baby
and name him Kevin
and send him to Boston College,
whatever.
That was like
the '70s and '80s;
then in the '90s, it became very
popular with gay couples,
started to adopt babies
from China
because
they want to have a baby,
but they can't --
they both have dicks.
I don't know if you know that.
Did you know that?
Gay couples have two dicks,
so they can't make a baby.
You can try.
You can...
This is really f*ckin'...
You could --
[ Laughs ]
You could try to cum into
one d*ck with the other,
like, if you line up
to d*ck holes
and you could cum,
and the sperm goes up this d*ck
and down that one.
And then this sperm
gets to the balls
and he -- and they're like,
"What the f*ck? Where...?"
"Did we turn around? 'Cause
we're in the balls again.
Whose balls are these?!
These aren't even his balls!
Oh, he's gay. f*ck.
All right. Okay, all right.
Well, just swim around
until we're dead."
It's just the way it is,
you're not going to --
A baby will never come out of
a penis.
Which is good.
It's a good thing.
Because it's hard for women.
Imagine pushing a whole baby
out of your penis, dickhole.
Even just the hand.
Yeah.
Anyway, so that's why
gay couples adopt.
That's why.
[ Cheering and applause ]
And often from China,
because they make
a lot of stuff there.
Uh...
[ Laughter ]
So that was that,
that was --
the gay couples
were adopting Chinese babies
because they couldn't
have babies,
and then -- and then
a lot of other couples
started doing it more around
the turn of the century.
I used to live in Hollywood,
which is a pretty awful place,
and everybody there gets
Chinese babies.
It's very popular.
They go -- because --
and it's not because
they can't have babies,
and it's not because
they're trying to help
somebody from far away;
it's because they're just busy;
they're busy...
They want to have a baby, but
they don't want to have a baby.
You know what I mean?
That thing where
you can't have your baby
and eat it too,
or what --
I don't know how...
They want to get pregnant
is the point,
so they go to China --
they don't even go to China,
they go to the airport
and somebody from China
meets them,
gives them a baby -- it's true.
They just take it home
and then they get
a Jamaican nanny
to watch their Chinese baby,
and they go to cocktail parties.
"We have this Chinese baby,
it's amazing."
And meanwhile, the Chinese baby
and the Jamaican nanny
are just alone,
looking at each other like,
"What are we doing?
What is...? What is this?
Why can't either of us
see our families? Why...?
What the f*ck
is the point of this?"
So, yeah, my dog, I got a dog,
my kids are, eh,
and I just sit around
and watch, uh,
watch YouTube a lot --
that's my favorite...pastime.
Um...
I was watching YouTube today;
I was watching
one of the ads
that comes on before the video
I wa--
I don't skip those.
I think that's rude.
It is. It's mean.
Somebody worked hard on that ad.
They trained a cheetah to run
alongside a Jeep Cherokee.
And you're at home like,
"Three, two, one -- f*ck off."
[ Laughter ]
f*cking mean -- what if you made
something, d*ck?
Anyway, the ad was a PSA.
It was a, uh,
anti-smoking message.
It was a Puerto Rican man
with a hole in his throat,
he was like --
[Imitating electrolarynx]
"My father smoked.
And my mother smoked.
I wish I never smoked
in my life.
Please don't smoke cigarettes.
Cigarettes are very, very bad
for you."
First thought I had was,
why does he still have
an accent?
[ Laughter ]
It's coming out...
Feels like if you bypass
the mouth...
You shouldn't have
an accident anymore.
Does the machine have a setting
for "Puerto Rican"?
Is that just how air sounds
coming out of this guy?
Does he fart with an accent?
[ Imitates flatulence ]
"Senor, I'm farting!"
Anyway, after the ad,
I watched the video
that I was looking for,
which was a scene from a movie,
and it's a scene that
I really hate --
every time I see it,
it makes me angry,
which is why I was
looking for it on YouTube.
And it's a movie I like --
I actually like the movie.
It's called "Good Will Hunting,"
remember "Good Will Hunting"?
[ Cheering and applause ]
Of course, right?
Matt Damon played --
a great performance.
He plays a very complicated
young man
w-wearing a tight T-shirt
for a whole movie.
And here's the thing --
here's my issue
with "Good Will Hunting" --
Matt Damon also wrote the movie.
Okay? So he basically sat down,
he's like,
"First of all, I am amazing."
[ Laughter ]
"I'm a construction worker,
I'm, like, working-class,
and I drink beer
and I get in fights,
I get into so many fights.
My friends are like,
'You're out of control, man,'
and I'm like, 'Shut up
this is the way I am.'
But then also, I'm a genius.
Ooh!
I'm not -- I didn't even go to
school, I just know things,
I don't know why --
I just know them.
And all the nerdy geniuses
that studied for years are like,
'He's so much smarter than us,
it's making it upset'."
It's insane!
It's f*cking insane.
It only makes sense if he wrote
it for himself to be the guy.
So the scene I was looking for,
it's the worst example of that
in the movie.
Here's what happens.
He goes to a bar and he meets
a woman and he likes her.
And another guy likes her too.
But she picks Matt Damon...
because he wrote
the f*cking movie!
Because he decided,
you understand?!
"She doesn't like him,
she likes me,
you better believe it!"
[ Laughter ]
So he gets her phone number
and then he goes outside
and he sees the other guy in
the window of a restaurant,
and he decides to taunt him,
so he goes over --
he tells his friends,
"Hey, come here, watch this."
And he says to the guy,
"Hey, do you like apples?"
[ Laughter ]
And the guy says, "Yes."
And Matt Damon goes,
"Well, I got her number.
How do you like them apples?"
And all Matt Damon's friends go,
"Oh-ho!
Ho-ho!
This was amazing!
Oh!
Oh-ho, my God!
Oh, my God!
You were ready with that!
How?!"
You know how he did it?
He wrote the whole
f*cking movie, okay?!
He made everybody
say all the things.
Otherwise, this doesn't happen.
I mean, he hinges
the whole f*cking prank
on the guy likin' apples;
the guy must like apples.
Who the f*ck --
who would say "yes"...
to, "Do you like apples?" --
coming from a clear
antagonist...
who's setting him up --
gathered his friends.
"Do you --
ha, wait, guys watch this ---
do you like apples?"
[Sighs]
God damn it, I do.
I wish I didn't.
'Cause I can tell this is not
going to go my way.
But I just -- I can't lie.
They'll know it.
They'll know it's because, boy,
do I like apples.
Do you understand
if he says "no,"
Matt Damon is f*cked.
He's f*cked in the face
for life.
He's got nothin'!
"Do you like apples?"
"No."
"D--"
[ Stammers ]
[ Laughter ]
"What...
Dude.
f*ckin' guy.
No, come on, seriously.
Seriously, you f*ckin' --
don't f*ckin'...
Don't f*ckin'...
[ Labored breathing ]
Do -- do -- do --
do you like bananas?
Do -- 'cause I thought --
'cause the woman gave me
her telephone number,
and isn't that bananas?
[ Laughter ]
I saw a guy...
I saw a guy peeling a banana
the other day.
It's another banana joked,
because...
Did you hear the other one
ended with "banana"?
Banana -- I got three
banana jokes, by the way.
This is number two.
Okay.
I saw a guy peeling a banana
on Sixth Avenue,
and it bothered me.
I'll tell you why, because it's
the way he --
when I peel a banana,
I hold around here,
I peel down to my hand, right?
This guy holds the banana
at the bottom.
And he just peels the whole
thing all the way down.
It felt like a guy at a urinal
pulling his pants
all the way to his ankles.
I was like, "Dude, TMI with that
banana right now.
What are you making a smoothie
on Sixth Avenue?
What are you doing?"
The banana was like, "Hey!
You don't even know how much
you're going to eat.
I have a bruise right here."
Kind of got lost
in the banana shame there.
You wanna hear
the other banana one now?
[ Cheering and applause ]
All right.
Okay, so...
I was at the grocery store...
and I needed bananas.
So I go over
to where the bananas are,
and there's a Black woman
at the bananas.
It's going to be okay.
It's going to be okay,
I swear.
[ Applause ]
I understand.
White people are very scared
of discussing
bananas and Black people
in the same conversation.
I understand -- if I have
a Black friend over,
I would never
offer him a banana.
I just, I don't know why,
I just wouldn't do it.
"Hey, you want a banana?"
"Why the f*ck you asking me?"
"Hey, man, sorry,
you have an apple?
I'm really sorry."
These are just
the facts of the case.
All right?
I was in a store,
looking for bananas and there's
a Black woman in the bananas,
and I wanted to --
I didn't want to go there while
she's there because of COVID.
We're all
giving each other space.
So I -- I --
but I do want to be next.
So I'm waiting.
And she's kind of takin'
a long time.
And the longer she takes,
the longer I'm a white man
watching a Black woman
choose bananas.
And this is an awful thing
about the world today,
because I know
I'm not doing anything wrong,
but I feel f*cking bad.
I feel f*cking bad.
So I went to the strawberries.
[ Chuckles ]
And there's a f*ckin' Jew
at the strawberries.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Here's a nice one!"
[ Laughs, clears throat ]
That's the Jew.
I'm not going to do
the Black woman.
No, not -- you know why?
Because I'm not afraid of Jews.
That's really...
That's the bottom line.
I'm not scared of Jews.
I don't find Jews
to be frightening...
unless you're in Palestine,
then they're terrifying.
It's very different.
Over there, they're like,
"The Jews are k*lling us!"
And here, we're like,
"Really? The Jews?"
[ Laughter ]
"We've been slapping them
around for years."
Anyway.
"This banana's too hard!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Well, this banana's soft,
but I'm not gon' have it
till Tuesday, so...
I'm gonna buy the hard one
and wait."
Just trying to be fair.
Just trying to be fair
to the Jews.
"Lawd, have mercy."
Anyway...
[ Cheering and applause ]
Don't worry, I'm an old man,
I'll be gone very soon.
I worry about getting old
only 'cause I don't want
to lose my memory, you know?
I mean, some of it
I would love to lose.
[ Laughter ]
But it doesn't work that way.
You got to take it all or none,
I guess.
But I lose --
I forget things, you know,
like, remember Fonzie
from "Happy Days"?
I don't remember him.
I don't even know
what you're talking about.
I forget weird things,
you know?
Like I was walking down
the street once in New York
and there was a guy in a van
and he roll down the window
and he said,
"Hey, get in the van
and suck my d*ck."
And I said, "All right,"
you know, so...
I got in the van and, you know,
I was trying to pull the door,
the sliding door,
but it kept -- and he's like,
"It just shuts, don't --
You don't have to...
I was like, "Sorry."
He's like, "Everybody does that,
it's okay."
So I'm kneeling
on the floor of the van
on like a purse, and there's
no lady in there, but I'm like,
"I came here
to suck this guy's d*ck,
not, like, take inventory.
I should just get to work,"
so I started suckin' his d*ck,
and about halfway through --
I'm guessing --
I remembered...
that, I don't really like
doing that.
[ Laughter ]
So, senior moment.
[ Laughter ]
Some people worry about getting
old because they think it means
that they're dying,
which it does.
But this doesn't worry me --
I don't worry about dying
because I think it's necessary.
I think it's something
that you just have to do.
You should do it.
It's -- when it's your turn,
you should do it.
If somebody you know,
your doctor says you're dying,
just say, "Okay," and die --
don't, you know,
"May be a miracle?"
f*ck you, get in the ground,
just take your turn.
I really think that way now --
I didn't used to,
but I do, because I --
you know when I started
thinking that way was when
my mom died.
My mom died a couple of years
ago of anorexia.
She was 300 pounds.
She was bad at it.
[ Laughter ]
I know it's f*cked up, right?
[ Laughter ]
Hmm.
What a piece of shit.
Anyway --
She would have liked that joke.
She would have!
My mom, f*ckin', she was gross.
And I remember
when she was dying,
I was -- I was alone with her,
and the nurse said,
"This is -- this is imminent."
I was like,
"What does that mean?"
She goes, "It's -- she's going
to die in a minute."
I'm like,
"Just say, 'in a minute'.
It's so close."
Anyway, I was alone with her
and she died, and I was like,
"f*ck, they're going to think
I did it, obviously."
I didn't want to lose my mom,
I really didn't,
but I -- but we had this
one conversation,
like, two weeks before she died,
when we were --
we were talking about it
and I said,
"Mom, I don't want you to die."
And she said,
"You'll get over it."
That's what she said!
And I did.
But in the moment, I wasn't
willing to accept it,
I was like,
"I don't want you to go,"
she said,
"But we're going in order.
Do you understand?
This makes sense.
I'm your mother," I'm like,
"Mom, stop talking like that.
This is sad,"
she goes, "No, it's not.
Look at it this way, would --
do you want me to never die?"
I was like, "No, I don't want
that at all."
And it helped me get in touch
with an important idea,
which is that dying
is important,
it's every generation's greatest
contribution to history
is that they die.
It's the only thing that
keeps things moving;
it's the only reason there's
any progress in the human race
is that folks
keep f*cking dying.
Every generation has had
a mix of douche bags
and amazing people and boring,
great, good, whatever,
but they're all f*cking dead.
Every f*ckin' one.
Thank God,
they're all f*cking dead.
There's a limit to how much
any of the good ones did,
and the shitty ones
got to stop being shitty.
It's a great system.
Now, when you look at
the Internet
and all these people,
you're like,
"What the f*ck is happening?"
They' -- it's okay.
They're all going!
Every th--
All of them are going to die.
I mean, you don't want to die.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You don't want to die, you don't
want your loved ones to die,
but that's a selfish wish
when you think about
what would happen
if nobody died --
what kind of world would this be
if there was no --
nobody d--
if we still had people here
from the 1100s?
It's hard enough having people
here from the '50s!
"Sir, just scan the code on
the table, there's no menu."
"What?! I don't understand!"
Jesus Christ!
You want to go through that with
Pontius Pilate and Charlemagne?
[ Laughter ]
f*cking pain in the ass.
f*cking old people
that don't want to f*cking,
just, when you get older
and you start going,
"Everything's so crazy now" --
no, it's fine,
just get the f*ck out.
It's great.
They're not going
to make it work for you,
you're here for 10 more minutes,
just get the f*ck out.
If you're in an airport
and you're looking at the toilet
and you're like, "I don't
understand how this works,"
it's time for you to die,
that's what that means.
These toilets are for the next
people, get the f*ck out.
That's the way
I look at my life now.
I had some good,
I had some bad, but I'm done.
I mean, I'm -- I'll hang around
'cause I'm curious.
But I'm so interested in the way
things are going,
I really am, it's such
an interesting time,
such a -- we're on a hinge,
it's such a cool thing
to experience that.
I'm excited about a lot of
what's coming,
there's things that are hard
now, but that's the way it is.
Things are going to get --
I think it's exciting
what's happening;
I think young people today
have some great ideas.
They're being a little cunty
about some of them,
but the ideas are good.
The ideas are good.
Like, when I was growing up,
we had two genders --
male and female.
Now you have
all these expansion teams.
I think it's very exciting.
It is!
And the best idea
is this gender fluid thing.
This is a great f*cking idea.
Gender fluid. the idea,
the way I barely understand it,
is that you -- you just --
something in the middle.
It's like a fretless bass.
You don't have to be...
The specific pictures...
What a dumb way to do it.
"These are the kinds of people
you can be,
which one are you?"
"I don't feel like
any of those people."
"Then you're a failure.
You have to fi--
Start acting like these people
so we know what to call you."
Why?! Just make it a --
It's just a -- pbbt,
What, just...
A la carte, "I like dicks,
I don't like balls,
I'm a...
this and -- moving through it,
changing when it feels like it."
I wish -- what I'm saying is
I wish we had that
when I was a kid,
because I think our generation
got hurt by the rigidity
of identities
and how you had to just stick
to them.
You didn't pick one right away.
You're eight years old,
"What are you?"
"I'm a -- I'm a boy."
"What do you like?"
"Uh, girls...
Vaginas!
Love vaginas!"
I'm eight years old,
I never saw one,
but I'm committing my life
to them right now.
I don't even get to smell one
for a second!
Just a sniff!
[ Sniffs ]
"All right, what else you got?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Ten years old, "Are you gay?"
"No, no, no, I hate dicks,
hate 'em."
What do I know?
I didn't even get to
fidget with one for a minute!
[ Laughter ]
"This banana's too hard!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
I'm not saying I wish I could
have blown all my friends
to see what it's like.
But on 4th of July,
there were fireworks,
I was with Matt,
there was a feeling --
I don't know
what could have happened.
I have no idea --
because we were so scared.
We were so --
we were afraid to seem gay
when I was a kid,
'cause in the '70s,
the stereotypes showed you
what everybody is like.
[ Deep voice ]
Men are like this.
[ Falsetto ]
And then the women
have to act like this,
and then gay people are like...
they're just tired.
That was gay people in the '70s.
"I'm gay.
Help, I'm gay,
I can't even do anything."
That's what gay men were
in the '70s.
You ever meet a gay person?
You don't f*ck with gay people,
not today.
They're all athletes,
first of all.
And they -- they got
their shit together.
They're f*cking -- their
m*therf*ckers, gay people.
Your landlord's gay.
They're billionaires!
They own Apple.
They're in the cabinet,
they're in the Navy.
They're -- they're -- they're
cowboys and Indians
and construction workers.
Gay men are men.
You ever go in a gay-owned
business?
He's like, "Can I help you?"
Like, the gay's in there,
but he's f*cking tough now.
"This is my store, m*therf*cker,
what do you want?"
Gay men are men now.
They're -- they're fathers,
they're husbands,
they're men.
Today's heterosexual men
are faggots.
I don't know how that happened!
[ Cheering and applause ]
And I -- but they're fags!
[ Cheering and applause ]
I'm saying that with love
and as an old man
on his way out the door,
but they're f*cking fags!
They're intelligent
and they're evolved,
but they're fags,
with the pajama shorts?!
And the -- just pale,
almost blue.
"Mm, my wife got
a promotion today."
Oh, good for you, f*gg*t.
I'm so happy.
I am! I'm happy for him!
Sounds like a good --
they have a good life together.
But it takes some
getting used to for me --
when I see
a progressive young couple,
I always want to stop them
and ask her,
"Is that turning you on?
Please tell me, is that sexy?"
He -- with the Tin Man's
hand pipe, just...
Strawberry smoke.
"Pbbt!"
She's like,
Well, he's very intelligent
and he's conscientious" --
but does he make your p*ssy wet?
"f*ck, no, he's a f*g.
But I love him."
And again, great,
it's another kind of dude,
"faggy straight dude,"
it's another kind of guy.
Welcome!
We should have all of it,
the whole spectrum,
the whole alphabet, all of it.
But somebody does have to be
just a straight f*cking.
You have to have that.
It doesn't have to be the most
important, but you do need it
because it's where it all
f*ckin' comes from.
Until they figure out
some other shit,
this is where life still starts.
If -- if you want to eat local
and organic,
you got to respect that
someone's got to have
a hard d*ck f*cking a p*ssy.
That's -- that's where every
trans, every gay person,
came from -- two boring
straight people f*cking.
I mean, that's just --
for now,
it's -- someone needs --
you could --
With an original d*ck,
not a turned-inside-out p*ssy
wrapped in thigh flesh --
which is wonderful!
Wonderful!
You got to respect that!
You do!
Somebody who wants
to be themselves so bad
they rip their balls off --
that takes balls to do that.
It does!
f*ckin' respect!
But someone's got
to have a factory d*ck
with matching numbers,
f*cking a wet,
farm-raised p*ssy.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Thank you very much.
Good night, everybody.
Thank you.
-♪ Ah, you never turned around
to see the frowns ♪
♪ On the jugglers and the clowns
when they all did ♪
♪ Tricks for you ♪
♪♪
♪ You never understood
that it ain't no good ♪
♪ You shouldn't let other people
get your ♪
♪ Kicks for you ♪
♪♪
♪ You used to ride on a chrome
horse with your diplomat ♪
♪ Who carried on his shoulder
a Siamese cat ♪
♪ Ain't it hard when you
discovered that ♪
♪ He really wasn't
where it's at ♪
♪ After he took from you
everything ♪
♪ He could steal ♪
♪ How does it feel? ♪
♪♪
♪ How does it feel? ♪
♪♪
♪ To have on your own ♪
♪ With no direction home ♪
♪ Like a complete unknown ♪
♪ Like a rolling stone ♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪ Ah, princess on a steeple
and all the pretty people ♪
♪ They're all drinking,
thinking that they've ♪
♪ Got it made ♪
♪ Exchanging all... ♪
Louis C.K.: Sorry (2021)
Moderator: Maskath3