Louis C.K. : Oh My God (2013)

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Louis C.K. : Oh My God (2013)

Post by bunniefuu »

Fade the music out.

Let's roll.

Hold there.

Lights.

Do the lights.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I appreciate that.

I don't necessarily agree with

you, but I appreciate very much.

Well, this is a nice place.

This is easily the nicest place

For many miles

in every direction.

That's how you

compliment a building

And shit on a town

with one sentence.

It is odd around here,

as I was driving here.

There doesn't seem to be

any difference

Between the sidewalk and

the street for pedestrians here.

People just kind of walk

in the middle of the road.

I love traveling

And seeing all the different

parts of the country.

I live in new york.

I live in a--

There's no value

to your doing that at all.

I live--

I live in new york.

I always--

Like, there's this old lady

in my neighborhood,

And she's always

walking her dog.

She's always just--

she's very old.

She just stands there

just being old,

And the dog just fights gravity

every day, just--

The two of them, it's really--

The dog's got a cloudy eye,

and she's got a cloudy eye,

And they just stand there

looking at the street

In two dimensions together,

and--

And she's always wearing, like,

this old sweater dress.

I guess it was a sweater

when she was, like, 5'10",

But now it's just,

like, this sweater

And her legs are--

her legs are a nightmare.

They're just white with green

streaks and bones sticking out.

Her legs are awful.

I saw a guy with no legs

wheeling by,

And he was like,

"yecch, no thank you.

"I do not want those.

"I'd rather just have air

down here like I have

Than to look down at that shit."

I see these two all the time,

and I always look at them,

And I always think,

"god, I hope she dies first."

I do.

I hope she dies first,

for her sake,

Because I don't want her

to lose the dog.

I don't think she'll

be able to handle it.

If she dies--

If the old lady dies first,

I'm not worried about the dog

Because the dog doesn't even

know about the old lady.

This dog is aware of

three inches around his head.

He's living

in two-second increments.

The second he's in

and the one he just left

Is all he knows about,

But if he dies, this lady,

she's gonna be destroyed

Because this dog is all she has,

And I know he's all she has

because she has him.

There's no--

If she had one person

in her life,

She would not keep

this piece of shit little dog.

Even if just some young woman

in her building one morning

Were to say,

"good morning, gladys,"

She'd be like, "good,"

And just flush him

down the toilet, just--

Poom! Poom!

The dog just keeps

bumping on the drain.

Poom!

"" she gives up.

Ends up just sh1tting on her dog

for the rest of her life.

P-p-p!

Poom!

You ever flush a pet

down the toilet?

I had to flush my daughter's

fish down the toilet.

I came home, the fish was dead.

She wasn't home from school yet,

so I just flushed the fish,

And that's a weird moment, too,

'cause fish live in water.

So you put it in the toilet,

floats to the bottom,

Like, "yeah, he's dead,"

And then you flush,

and it looks like he goes,

"wait a second! Aw, shit!

"I was taking a nap! Jesus!

"you gotta be in constant motion

To get any respect

in this house."

And then my daughter comes home.

"why did he die, da--"

Come on. What am I gonna say?

Why did he die?

Because who gives a shit?

That's the reason.

That's the actual reason,

is because didn't matter

That he was alive.

That's why he's dead.

He didn't know his name,

and he didn't love you back.

These are the facts

about that fish's life.

My daughter likes fish.

We took her to the aquarium.

I took both my kids

to the aquarium in boston,

And we were looking

at this seal, or sea lion.

I don't know which one.

I don't care.

I don't think they need

to be separate things.

I really don't.

They don't care,

and we don't care.

There's, like, three scientists

Who give a shit

what we call all those things.

The scientists could

go on tv tomorrow

And say, "ok, everybody.

"from now on, seals

and sea lions and walruses,

And--you know what?--Penguins

are all seals now,"

And we would all be like,

"yeah, all right. Fine. Yes.

Whatever, man."

Anyway, so we're looking

at this seal/sea lion thing,

And he's looking back at us

through the plexiglas,

And he's going--

They're really disgusting

in person.

Most animals are

when you really see them.

You ever go to a farm?

You think you're gonna see

little, white sheep

Going, "baa," but they're

all fat and shit-colored,

And they're like--

Jesus.

That thing is awful.

Anyway, seals don't go--

They go--

My daughter's like,

"what is he saying?"

I don't know!

"I'm a sl*ve!

k*ll me!"

Must be awful to be

other kinds of stuff,

You know?

I'm glad I'm this.

This is a pretty good deal when

you consider the alternatives.

Anything else, any other kind of

thing, you're in the food chain.

You're in the food--

we are out of the food chain.

I don't know if we

fully appreciate the fact

That we got

out of the food chain.

That is a massive upgrade

Because for every other

living thing,

Life ends by being eaten.

That's how all life ends, is--

Every single life

except human life,

Every life ends like this.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

We're the only ones that get

to just die old in a bed,

Just "I love you. Bye."

I mean, imagine if we were

still in the food chain

On top of everything else.

Imagine if we were

in the food chain.

It would just be another thing

you gotta deal with.

You're already having a bad day.

You wake in up in the morning.

You're making breakfast.

You burn your toast,

and it's too late to try again,

And your kid comes in and says,

"beh," and you're like, "fine,"

And it's just, "why?"

You get a thing in the mail

That says that

your phone's different,

And your mortgage

is another company now.

What? I don't get it!

Then you're walking to work

like, "why do I even bother?

"shit! g*dd*mn it!

"there's always f*cking cheetahs

at the train station!

Stop it!"

You think that sharks--

Do you think that sharks

would be embarrassed

If they knew that we could all

see their fins

Sticking out

the top of the water?

I think they'd be bummed

'cause I don't think sharks

are aware of that at all.

I think sharks think

they're slick.

They swim around like,

"hey, nobody has any idea

what's down here,"

And we're all up here like,

"there's totally a shark

right there."

It wouldn't be fun

being a predator, either.

If you're a predator, imagine

if every time you're hungry,

You gotta chase a guy

Who's running for his life.

You gotta-- "come on, dude!

Shit, get over here!"

And just hold him down

and bite his neck

Till he shuts the f*ck up

for a minute

So you can just sit there

and eat his stomach

Before you go to work.

That would really suck.

That's why animals just--

They go, "let's do this

together, man.

"you chase the parents away.

I am gonna eat the kid,

and you circle back."

That's why they do it like that.

"f*ck it. I'm eating babies.

This is bullshit."

"grownups ain't worth

the meat."

Whoops, all right.

All right.

shit.

g*dd*mn it.

Idiot.

This isn't a gay voice,

by the way.

It's not.

Shut up.

yeah.

I live in new york city,

and it's ok there.

I live in a nice building.

I never lived

in a nice place before.

When I was growing up,

I had no money.

I mean, my mom didn't.

Didn't matter. I was a child.

But I'm not used to it

'cause it's nice.

There's, like,

a pretty courtyard

With flowers and a fountain

with little marble boys pissing.

I don't know.

What is it with fountains?

Like, all fountain sculptors

are pedophiles, basically.

You can't get a fountain

made without--

"can you make me a fountain?"

"yes, I'll get started

right away!

"Yes!

Yes!

It's finished!"

And it's just little boys

pissing on the face

Of a greek god

that looks like him a lot.

"just piss on me forever!"

Anyway, there's one of those

in the courtyard of my building,

And my first week in

the building about a year ago,

I went down to the courtyard

for the first time,

And I didn't look

too good, you know?

It was a Sunday morning.

That's my

least presentable hour.

There's a lot of, you know,

just stains,

Just like, you know,

food and me and whatever...

And so I'm sitting there.

So? Shut up.

Ha ha ha!

Anyway, but so there I was.

I'm sitting on the stone bench

of this courtyard

And feeling a little

out of place.

You know, there's

these fancy doormen and stuff,

And then there's this guy

looking at me.

I notice he's looking at me

from across the courtyard,

And he's all spiffy-looking.

He's got brown shoes, and he's

looking at me like, ""

I can tell he was thinking

I don't live in the building.

He thinks I just wandered in

off the streets

And sat in the courtyard.

I can tell he's thinking

of coming over

And dealing with me on his own,

and I'm sitting there thinking,

Like, "please do that. Yes.

Please, come on, come on.

Come on, come on, come on,"

And I'm trying to look

even more gross,

And I'm, like,

pulling up my shirt, ""

And then I see him go, "no.

That's not gonna do at all,"

And he comes over to me,

"" and I'm like,

"Num num num!"

I'm so excited to have

this thing, a confrontation

Where I'm not wrong at all

and he thinks I am.

"rrgh!"

So he comes over, says,

"excuse me,

"do you live in this building?"

And I said, "no,"

'cause why not start there?

I said, "no."

He goes, "well then,

what are you doing here?"

And I said, "I just need

to rest.

I'm having a hard time."

He says,

"this is private property,"

And I said, "well, I don't

really believe in that."

You know, just the worst things

I could say

From his point of view

Is basically all the things

I was saying,

And he goes,

"well, if you don't leave,

I'm gonna talk to the doorman."

I was like, "can I just stay,

like, five more hours?"

So he's--"no,"

and he goes over to the doorman

And I see him talking about me

to the doorman like this,

And then I see the doorman

going, "no.

That guy lives here. It's ok,"

And the look on his face--

mwah mwah! Num num!--

It was just so--

It was this beautiful cocktail

of anger and confusion.

It's like I had invented a new

way to hurt somebody's feelings.

That's how excited I was.

I'm 45 now,

So I'm either halfway through

a healthy life

Or almost done

with a not-so-healthy life.

I don't know which one.

I won't know till it's over

where this was.

I don't know how long

I'm gonna live.

I don't know.

Nobody knows, I guess.

I think human life expectancy

is pretty good.

We get a good run, you know?

Some people die early, you know?

If I die now, people will be

like, "that's too bad."

If I die five years from now,

they'll be like,

"well, all right,"

like it's not even--

It's--

Like, as soon as you're 50,

you're a candidate.

You know, there's

no candlelight vigils

For 50-year-old guys that die,

And you start pushing--

You know, some people get to be

like, 80s, 90s.

You know, there are people

that get to, like, 114,

And then they're in the news,

and it's always some old guy,

"I met napoleon."

No, you didn't, you liar,

You oldest liar in the world.

But 45, you know,

you're not old yet,

But you start having moments

Where you kind of start getting

what old is,

Especially if you didn't

take care of yourself, you know?

I have moments where I'm like,

"wow, this seems early

for this."

Like, this is something

that happens to me a lot.

I'll be sitting watching tv

or doing nothing,

And all of a sudden,

I'll realize,

"I need to wipe my ass

right now."

"I mean, nothing happened,

But I really gotta

wipe my ass right now.

Right now."

Gotta make trips to the bathroom

just to wipe my ass.

How does this happen already?

I'm 45.

Already, my assh*le's just like,

"Just-- "

My assh*le--

My assh*le's like the waistband

on old pajama bottoms,

Just kinda...

Loose and ineffectual.

My assh*le's like a bag

of leaves that nobody tied up.

It's just sitting on the lawn,

full and open,

Puking leaves onto the grass

with every wisp of wind.

Some kid kicks it over

on his way home

From a tough day

at middle school.

"rats."

That's a pretty accurate

description of my assh*le.

Here's another thing

about my age right now.

If I'm--

ok. Say I'm sitting down.

If I'm sitting anywhere,

which--ha ha ha!--

I love sitting so much--

I would take sitting

and doing nothing

To standing and f*cking any day.

This is way better than coming.

This is way better.

This is what--

At my age, if I'm sitting down

and somebody tells me

I need to get up

and go to another room,

I need to be told

all the information why first.

You gotta explain

all that shit to me.

"what? Why do I--

no. Why, though?"

"your car is being towed

right now!"

"well, that's what happens

to me, then. That's--

I accept that."

'cause getting up

is a whole thing.

It means first,

I have to decide,

"do I really want

to be alive anymore?"

Like, let's start with that,

And then I gotta, "" start

kind of rocking to get momentum,

"" like I'm trying to get

an old honda out of a snow bank.

"shit."

The worst part of my day,

worst part of every day

Of my life, is when

I have to put on my socks.

Putting on my socks

is the worst part

Of every day,

and it always will be.

Even if I have a terrible day

in the future

Where my grandmother is m*rder*d

by my other grandmother,

If that ever happened to me,

the worst part of that day

Will be when I put on

my socks because--

Putting on my socks,

that means I have to--

Here's what I have to do.

I have to get my hands

past my pointed toe.

I don't even know how I do it.

I'm sitting here.

I don't know how I do that.

It's 'cause you have to--

It's like folding

a bowling ball in half.

Soon as I start, I can feel--

I'm pushing all the fat up

into my vital organs,

And I just feel

all the systems failing.

"beep, beep, beep!"

And I have to, like, lay on

my back like an eight-year-old

And go like this,

and I start passing out.

And I know

other people's lives are hard.

Ha ha ha!

I know.

I saw an interview on tv

with michael j. Fox,

And he has parkinson's,

and he was describing

Brushing his teeth, and he said

It takes him two hours a day,

and he said it's agony,

And I saw this and I thought,

"ok. That's hard."

That is hard,

And so is putting on my socks.

Sorry, michael.

Doesn't make it easier to know

about your thing.

Tell you what.

I'll help you brush your teeth,

you help me with the socks.

I don't know.

I like getting older, though.

Life is an education, and

if you're older, you're smarter.

I just believe that.

If you're in an argument

with somebody

And they're older than you,

you should listen to them.

It doesn't mean they're right.

It means that

even if they're wrong,

Their wrongness is rooted in

more information than you have.

They've been there longer.

If you're older, you're smarter.

How many people here,

by applause, are 45 or older?

Ok.

That's about 60 people

out of 2,400.

Here's the interesting thing.

There's way more. I can see you.

There's so many more.

This is arizona.

There are way more people

in that demographic,

But they didn't clap.

Why? 'cause they're smart.

They're sitting in the dark

going, "I don't have to clap.

I don't have to do anything."

They're not doing it,

and they're right.

You know why?

'cause never identify yourself.

Never. Are you crazy?

You don't know why I'm asking.

How do you know what--

Ok. Burn them all.

Burn everybody over 45.

How do you know

I'm not gonna do that?

How many people here,

by applause, are 40 or younger?

That's every time.

"whoo! Whoo!" every time.

That is a weird thing

to celebrate

In a room where you're

not the only people here.

That's like going

to a cancer ward--

"not me! Whoo!

I don't have it!

I don't have it!"

If you're older, you're smarter.

A 55-year-old garbage man

is a million times smarter

Than a 28-year-old

with three ph.D.S,

Especially smarter than him,

'cause this idiot

Has been thinking about three

things for, like, 15 years.

He's worthless.

The garbage man is 55.

He's had some experience.

Things have happened to him.

He went to cape cod one summer.

He saw a dead guy

floating in the motel pool.

He took a bus to montreal.

He got a hand job at a fair...

From a miner.

I mean a miner.

Not a minor, a miner.

You understand? A miner.

A grown man who works in a mine

With dirty hands

jacked him off at a county fair.

That's what I'm saying happened

to the 55-year-old.

You see?

He's had some experience.

He knows more.

More has happened to him.

He's seen more.

He's seen history.

He's witnessed history,

Even if it's not

ancient history.

He saw nixon resign

on live television.

Me and those few people

that clapped,

We saw

the president of america cry

And then quit being

the president.

That shit was crazy

'cause none of us knew

what was gonna happen next.

Today people are like,

"the president's

kind of disappointing."

Really?

Our president wept

like an insane person

And then got on a helicopter

and flew away...

And the whole nation

just watched him go.

I like getting older, though,

because for me,

The kind of guy I am,

getting older

Makes my life better, you know,

Like, my sex life,

way better at 45,

Look, 'cause this situation

is ok at 45.

This is not a fun kind

of a 17-year-old to be.

And some people, their life

is better when they're younger.

You know, young dudes,

young, skinny dudes,

Best life in the world

is being a young, skinny dude.

They don't have to do anything.

They just show up

With a big adam's apple

and a smelly t-shirt.

"hey, I'm here for the easy

p*ssy for the rest of my life."

"so where do I--

everywhere? Ok. Cool."

But for guys like me,

this is not a fun youth.

It gets better.

I'd like to make one of those

"it gets better" ads

For just dumpy, young guys.

We could use a little help,

a little encouragement,

Just somebody on tv,

"listen, man.

"I know it's tough right now.

"you're vaguely heavy

with no face.

"you have zero value

on the sexual marketplace.

"you feel invisible to the girls

in school because you are,

"but it gets better

because you'll all grow up,

"and you pretty much look

just like this your whole life,

"and they don't.

"their options start running out

really fast,

"and you're gonna be there.

"as long as you stay

relatively employed and washed,

"you're gonna be amazing

in your 40s.

"you're gonna be--

"you're gonna be the branch

that she can grab

"before she hits the ground.

"it's gonna be so great.

"it just takes time

for her circumstances

"to match your looks,

but it's gonna happen.

"it's gonna happen.

"when real shit matters,

You're gonna be the sexiest

m*therf*cker in the world."

It's just time.

That's all it takes.

There's a formula to this.

It's p*ssy plus time

over income squared.

Everybody has their time.

Everybody has their time.

I mean, not everybody.

There are people out there who

there's just nobody for them.

Yep.

People like to say things like,

"there's someone for everyone."

Nope!

Not at all true,

and stop saying it

'cause it's mean to people

who never find anybody.

There are millions

of people out there

Who we've all

unanimously decided,

They are light speed ugly

And nobody kisses them

on the lips, even.

Nobody touches their genitals

their entire life.

They just wash it,

and then they die.

That's all that happens,

"aww," and if you're

feeling bad for them,

You can go find one

and f*ck one tomorrow,

You can just solve the problem

right there

With all that kindness

in your heart.

"aww." well, go f*ck one.

"nah." I didn't think so.

That's the one way

we're all mean.

Nobody does that.

Nobody fucks down, nobody.

People f*ck up or across.

Some women f*ck down

because a guy

Talked them into that it was up.

Some guy, "yeah. No. You should.

I'm totally up. Yeah."

It's a weird selection process

that we have.

Dating really is--

It's how we evolve, is dating.

It's how we

choose each other,

And dating is a real drag

for a lot of people,

But I always think

it's a nice thing.

You know, when I see a date,

I'm always happy when I see

a couple on a date

'cause it means people

are still trying, you know?

You see a couple on a date,

It means there's still

courage out there.

That takes courage, to go

on a date, for both sides,

Two very different kinds

of courage.

The male courage,

traditionally speaking,

Is that he decided to ask.

He went up to a random woman

who he has no idea

If she's gonna like him or not

And he walked up to her

terrified.

Everything in your body

is telling you,

"just go the f*ck home

and jerk off.

Don't do this!"

But he walked up and said,

"hi. Yes,"

And she's like, ""

"no, no, no. A second.

Give me a second,"

And you try to get through

this membrane of, you know--

And then, if it works

And you say,

"you wanna go out sometime?"

Sometimes she'll say yes,

and if she says yes,

That's her courage,

and the courage it takes

For a woman to say yes is

beyond anything I can imagine.

A woman saying yes to a date

with a man is literally insane

And ill-advised,

and the whole species' existence

Counts on them doing it,

and I don't know how they--

How do women still go out with

guys when you consider the fact

That there is no greater threat

to women than men?

We're the number-one

threat to women.

Globally and historically,

we're the number-one cause

Of injury and mayhem to women.

We're the worst thing

that ever happens to them.

That's true.

You know what

our number-one threat is?

Heart disease.

That's the whole thing.

That's it, just our own heart

going, "dude, I can't--

"you can't keep doing this.

I told you three strokes ago

that this is not smart,"

But women still--

"yeah. I'll go out with you

alone at night."

What are you, nuts?

"I'll get in your car with you

with my little shoulders.

Hi. Where are we going?"

"to your death, statistically."

How do they still do it?

If you're a guy, try to imagine

that you could only date

A half-bear, half-lion,

And you're like,

"I hope this one's nice.

I hope he doesn't do

what he's going to do."

I always--

I love when I see a date.

You know, when you see a date,

you can tell it's the first date

'cause of the way they're

walking together

And she's looking up at his face

trying to figure him out,

And he's just a mess.

A guy on a first date

just has no actual personality.

He's just a mishmash

Of different kinds of dudes

for a couple of seconds each,

Just anything, no cohesive--

Just like a ransom note

cut out of a lot of magazines,

Just, you know, "well...

"ha ha!

"well, yes. I think so, too.

Ha ha! Rrgh..."

Whatever, just like

a blind d*ck in space

Just thrusting

in infinite directions

Hoping to find pay dirt

at someplace,

And then sometimes

you see a date

That's later down the line

and something has happened.

There's something

that happens in a date

That I never get to witness

'cause women do this.

They get to do it inside.

They get to just decide quietly,

"I'm gonna let him f*ck me."

They just get to decide.

Something he says,

and she's like,

"that was good.

He's gonna f*ck me later,"

And he has no idea.

He's still, like,

trying all this shit.

He still has no idea

he's already in there.

Guys are--

We love women a lot--

all men do--

And we just look at you.

That's what I do.

I just look at women.

I just--""

Like they're, you know,

cakes in windows.

I just--""

I was walking in new york once,

And there's these two very cute

women walking behind me,

And I was trying to walk slowly

so I could hear

What they were saying

to each other, you know,

'cause they were cute,

so I wanted to hear them,

Like that's gonna help me

in any way, to hear their--

"don't you wish the guy

walking in front of us

Would squeeze our tits

for, like, one second?"

Ok.

Here.

Here I go. Thank you.

It's really a flaw in men

that we would all do that.

If you're a woman, you could ask

any guy on planet earth,

"could you squeeze my tit

for one second?"

And 100% of us will go,

"yes, of course."

That doesn't matter.

I could be doing

open heart surgery.

"yeah. Ok."

Beep! "don't worry.

He's not your tits.

Don't worry about it."

I don't know why

we love tits so much.

Some people say it's because

we breastfeed, but so do women,

Or, you know, baby women.

Not grown-up women,

don't usually--

You don't see, like,

a 68-year-old woman,

Like, a stately look--

You know, like sigourney weaver,

Like, sucking milk

out of a young woman's tit.

"thank you, deborah.

I'll see you tomorrow at 2:00."

It's not usually the thing,

Is the elderly breastfeeding

from the young,

Except for at the end

of "the grapes of wrath,"

Which I don't mean

to ruin that book for you,

But you should have read it

by now.

I don't know if you read

"the grapes of wrath,"

But that's how it ends,

with an old, dying man

Sucking milk

out of a young girl's tits,

And then the book is over,

and you're like,

"jesus! What happened

at the end there?

That's crazy."

There's no other book

in that genre.

There's no dense,

historic classic

That ends with a weird,

porny paragraph at the very--

"and then anna karenina

shat on his chest."

"holy moly with that!"

"the end."

"my god!

"that is a violent shift in tone

at the end of that book.

I've been reading this book

for three months."

But we do, we love tits,

And you always know a tit.

You always know a tit.

You know, like you ever been

in a crowded place--

Like a subway or like,

you know, a sports stadium--

And you're smooshed in

with other people

And your elbow touches a tit

behind you, you're like,

"that's a tit.

I just touched it.

I know that was a tit.

I know it!"

Because the sensitivity

of the male elbow

To tit flesh specifically

is unbelievable, just to tits,

'cause you could drive a tack

in there, I'm not gonna feel it,

But a tit--

Through a shirt and a sweater

and a jacket

And her jacket, sweater,

shirt and bra, somehow...

"it's a tit! I touched a tit!

"I touched a tit!

I touched one tit. One tit."

That's rare, to touch one tit.

It's like a four-leaf clover.

Usually, you touch two.

The only time you touch one tit

is when it was an accident

Or you didn't have permission,

But otherwise...

When tit access is granted,

It's usually good

for two tits at a time.

It's, once you're on one--

You really have to screw up

really badly and quickly

To lose tit access

between tits one and two.

You must have said something

really dumb on the first tit

That you didn't get

the second one.

"yeah, it's like your mom's

dirty whore tit."

"why? What? I said I liked it.

"that's what I meant,

is that I like it.

"I like your mom's

dirty whore tit,

And I like yours,"

And if it's up to the guy,

we're gonna touch both tits.

No guy touches a tit

and then goes, "you know what?

"I'm good with the one.

That's fine for me.

Everything in moderation."

We're gonna touch both,

Even if something terrible

happens in the middle of--

"yeah--"

"there's a b*mb!"

"shit! Come on, let's get--

"come on!

Let's get your tits

out of here!"

I've seen a few tits.

I've seen--I don't know--

I don't know.

I had my history

in my life, you know?

I've been divorced

for five years,

And it's been the best part

of my life, being divorced,

Easily my favorite part

of my life.

I love being divorced.

Every year has been

better than the last.

That is the only time

I can say that about,

And by the way, I'm not saying

don't get married.

If you meet somebody,

fall in love and get married,

And then get divorced

because that's the best part.

It's the best part.

Marriage is just like a larva

stage for true happiness,

Which is divorce,

Because you just let go

and everything's fine now.

Divorce is forever.

It really actually is.

Marriage is for how long

you can hack it,

But divorce just gets stronger

like a piece of oak.

Nobody ever says, "

my divorce is falling apart.

It's over. I can't take it."

And again, if you're

in a good marriage, stay in it.

If you're in the best marriage

ever, stay in it.

I'm just saying, if you got out,

it would be better.

That's just a fact. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, but it's true.

Everything's better.

My ex-wife and I,

This is the best part

of our knowing each other.

We're good co-parents because

we live apart and we're friends.

Our kids go to her

half the week,

They come to me half the week,

and I'm a good father.

I'm an attentive, focused,

and responsible father.

Do you know why?

'cause I get to say good-bye

to these kids every week.

Are you sh1tting me?

It's like every parent's

fantasy.

Who can't be a good father

for half of every week?

No matter how bad it gets,

every Wednesday,

I get to go, "good-bye, girls.

"daddy's gonna go upstairs

and pour whiskey

All over his naked body

right now."

"I'm gonna lay in my own filth

Until two seconds

before you come back here."

That's why I'm such a good dad.

My daughter was having

a dance thing at her school.

They had this big dance.

Anyway, we all went,

all the parents,

And everybody's there,

and everybody's got their phone,

Every single parent.

It was an amazing thing to watch

'cause kids are dancing

And every parent

is standing there like this.

Every single person

was blocking their vision

Of their actual child

with their phone, and the kids--

I went over by the stage

and the kids--

There's people holding ipads

in front of their faces.

It looked like we're all in

the witness protection program.

Like, the kids can't see

their parents,

And everybody's watching

a shitty movie

Of something

that's happening ten feet--

Like, look at your f*cking kid.

The resolution on the kid is

unbelievable if you just look.

It's totally hd.

Why are you taping this?

You're never gonna watch it.

In a million years,

you're not gonna watch videos

Of your kids doing shit

you missed

The first time it happened.

You don't watch it.

You just put it on facebook.

"here, you watch it.

I wanna take a nap now."

And then you get to read

all the comments.

"my god!

"it's so cute!

Ngaah!"

And guess what?

They're not watching it, either.

They're not watching the video.

These kids are dancing

for no one.

Nobody watches the videos

on your facebook.

They see the first frame

of a kid and they go,

"that's very nice.

Ok. Back to this."

Nobody's watching your kids'

videos on facebook,

I promise you.

I'll prove it to you.

Next time you tape

your kid's dance,

Tape one second of it

and then add

of just your own assh*le.

Just go in the bathroom

and just record your own anus

Opening and closing

for 20 minutes.

Tack it onto your kid dancing

for a second.

Put that on facebook.

Everybody will write

the same thing.

"that's adorable!

I think I see a future star!"

Don't tape shit on your--

Life is short.

Life is very short.

I like life. I like it.

I feel like even if it ends up

being short,

I got lucky to have it 'cause

life is an amazing gift

When you think about what

you get with a basic life,

Not even a particularly

lucky life or a healthy life.

If you have a life,

that's an ama--

Here's your boilerplate deal

with life.

This is basic cable,

what you get when you get life.

You get to be on earth.

First of all--my god--

what a location.

This is earth, and for trillions

of miles in every direction,

It f*cking sucks so bad.

It's so shitty that your eyes

bolt out of your head

'cause it sucks so bad.

You get to be on earth

and look at shit,

As long as you're not blind

or whatever it is.

You get to be here.

You get to eat food.

You get to put bacon

in your mouth.

I mean, when you have bacon

in your mouth,

It doesn't matter

who's president or anything,

You just--""

Every time I'm eating bacon,

I think,

"I could die right now,"

and I mean it!

That's how good life is.

You get to--

you get to f*ck.

That's free if you're smart.

That comes with.

That's part of the deal.

Where else are you gonna get

that deal?

You get to put your d*ck

in there and go in and out,

Pretty good,

And if you're a woman,

you get to just lay back

And just have a d*ck

Just shoving

in and out of you awkwardly

Anytime you want,

anytime you want.

If you're a gay man, you get to

just fill your boyfriend's ass

With your d*ck, just fill it

all the way to the balls,

And it's nice and warm

and tight in there,

And he's your buddy.

If you're a lesbian,

You get to do all the stuff

they're doing, and...

It's a great deal.

You get to eat. You get to f*ck.

You get to read

"to k*ll a mockingbird."

It's a great life.

So, you know, I'm not worried

about it ending.

It's pretty good,

and I've wasted a lot of time

Just being angry at people

I don't know.

You know, it's amazing how nasty

we can get as people,

Depending on the situation.

Like, most people are ok

as long as they're ok,

But if you put people in certain

contexts, they just change.

Like, when I'm in my car, I have

a different set of values.

I am the worst person I can be

when I'm behind the wheel,

Which is when I'm

at my most dangerous.

When you're driving,

That's when you need to be

the most compassionate

And responsible of any other

time in your life

'cause you are f*cking driving

a w*apon amongst weapons,

And yet it's the worst

people get, and I am the worst.

One time, I was driving,

and there was a guy ahead of me,

And he kind of--I don't know--

sorta drifted into my lane

For a second,

and this came out of my mouth.

I said,

"worthless piece of shit."

I mean, what an indictment.

What kind of a way is that to

feel about another human being?

"worthless piece of shit"?

That's somebody's son.

And things I've said

to other people.

I was once driving, and some guy

in a pickup truck did--

I don't remember, even--

And I yelled out my window,

I said, "hey, f*ck you!"

Where outside of a car

is that even nearly ok?

If you were in an elevator

And you were, like, right next

to a person's body

And, whatever, like, he leaned

into you a little bit,

Would you ever turn

right to their face

And go, "hey, f*ck you!"?

"worthless piece of shit!"

No.

Literally zero people

would ever do that,

But put a couple of pieces of

glass and some road between you,

There's nothing you would not

say to them.

"I hope you die!"

I said that to a person.

"I hope you die!"

Why? 'cause you made me

go like this

For half a second of my life.

You tested my reflexes,

and it worked out fine!

So now I hope your kids

grow up motherless!"

I mean, what am I capable of?

I'd like to think

that I'm a nice person,

But I don't know, man.

A lot of it is context.

There's a lot of things I wonder

if the world was different.

Like, if m*rder was legal, I

might have k*lled a few people.

I don't know.

I'd love to think,

"I would never do that,"

But we really need the law

against m*rder

For one simple reason.

The law against m*rder

Is the number-one thing

preventing m*rder.

We'd like to think it's 'cause,

Like, "I would never

do that."

No. It's 'cause it really sucks

getting caught murdering, a lot.

If m*rder was legal,

or just a misdemeanor--

Like you get a thing

in the mail--

"shit, they had

a camera there.

Well."

If m*rder was legal,

there would be so much m*rder.

Regular people would m*rder.

Murderers would m*rder

even more,

And then really nice,

sweet people

Would m*rder a few people,

But nobody would m*rder

no people.

You wouldn't trust somebody

who didn't m*rder

If m*rder was legal.

You wouldn't like them.

"I never k*lled anybody."

"ok. Nice meeting you.

Yecch, what a creep.

"I mean, not even a hooker?

Live a life.

"what's wrong with that guy?

He's like a mormon or some shit.

I hate those guys."

"I think he's nice."

"shut up, janet."

They would just--

If m*rder was legal,

there would be a lot of m*rder.

Children would behave

very differently

Because mostly parents would be

murdering their own kids,

That's mostly what would happen

if m*rder was legal.

You know, you'd go to a mall,

there'd be,

Like eight, different moms

in the mall just--

"I told you to stop it!

You didn't listen to me!"

Just--pbbt!

There'd be just--

You'd be stepping

over dead kids.

There'd be, like, a new problem.

"you have to clean up your kids

"when you k*ll them

'cause it's gross.

"it's bad for the environment.

"if you m*rder your child

in a public place,

"please use one of the red bags

that are in the dispensers

"every three feet of america.

"put your m*rder*d child

in the red bag

"with a logo

of a m*rder*d kid on it

"next to the other logo

that tells you

"not to let your alive kid play

with the plastic bag

"because they might suffocate,

In which case you could just

leave them in the bag."

That is a whole bunch

of horrible thoughts

Right in a row, right in a row.

That is a compressed area

of bad thought.

You know, you have

your bad thoughts.

Hopefully you do good things.

Everybody has a competition

in their brain

Of good thoughts

and bad thoughts.

Hopefully,

the good thoughts win.

For me, I always have both.

I have, like, the thing I

believe, the good thing--

That's the thing I believe--

and then there's this thing,

And I don't believe it,

but it is there.

It's always this thing

and then this thing.

It's become a category

in my brain

That I call, "of course...

But maybe..."

I'll give you an example, ok?

Like, of course children

who have nut allergies

Need to be protected, of course.

We have to segregate

their food from nuts,

Have their medication available

at all times,

And anybody who manufactures

or serves food

Needs to be aware of deadly

nut allergies, of course,

But maybe...

Maybe if touching a nut

kills you,

You're supposed to die.

Of course not.

Of course not. Of course not.

Jesus.

I have a nephew who has that.

I'd be devastated if something

happened to him,

But maybe...

Maybe if we all just do this

for one year,

We're done with nut allergies

forever.

No. Of course not.

Of course, if you're fighting

for your country

And you get shot or hurt,

it's a terrible tragedy,

Of course, of course...

But maybe...

Maybe if you pick up a g*n

and go to another country

And you get shot,

it's not that weird.

Maybe if you get shot by the

dude you were just sh**ting at,

It's a tiny bit your fault.

Of course, of course sl*very

Is the worst thing

that ever happened.

Listen, listen.

You all clapped for dead kids

with the nuts.

For kids dying from nuts,

you applauded,

So you're in this with me now.

Do you understand?

You don't get to cherry-pick.

Those kids did nothing to you.

Of course, of course sl*very

Is the worst thing

that ever happened.

Of course it is,

every time it's happened--

Black people in america,

jews in egypt.

Every time a whole race

of people has been enslaved,

It's a terrible, horrible thing,

of course...

But maybe...

Maybe every incredible

human achievement in history

Was done with slaves.

Every single thing where you go,

"how did they build those

pyramids?"

They just threw human death

and suffering at them

Until they were finished.

How did we traverse the nation

with the railroad so quickly?

We just threw chinese people

in caves and blew 'em up

And didn't give a shit

what happened to them.

There's no end

to what you can do

When you don't give a f*ck

about particular people.

You can do anything.

That's where human greatness

comes from,

Is that we're shitty people,

that we f*ck others over.

Even today, how do we have

this amazing microtechnology?

Because the factory

where they're making these,

They jump off the f*cking roof

'cause it's a nightmare

in there.

You really have a choice.

You can have candles and horses

And be a little kinder

to each other

Or let someone

suffer immeasurably far away

Just so you can leave

a mean comment on youtube

While you're taking a shit.

Thanks a lot, folks.

You guys were great.

Thank you very, very much.

Thank you.
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