Jim Jefferies: I Swear to God (2009)

[bunniefuu]

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Jim Jefferies.

Hey.

How are you doing?

What a nice little start.

My name's Jim,

I'm from Australia,

but I've been living in the UK

for like, the past 7 or 8 years

and now I've moved out to

America, it's a big move for me,

but because

I've moved out to America,

I've had to leave a girl I've

been dating

It's probably for the best

we're heading

in separate directions in our

lives, to come over here

and she wanted to stay back in

England and f*ck other men.

Worked out pretty good.

For her.

And me brother.

Oh, yeah.

I bet he really get back to...

in, like, a couple of weeks

for the first time in ages.

And every time I got back there

I always go see my family doctor

'cause this is the doctor

I've had my whole life,

I really trust this guy,

and my doctor in London is shit,

he's no good.

Last time I was there

I got a physical checkup,

and he's doing my blood

pressure, to go to Australia

and he's like, "Jim, your blood

pressure's really high, mate,

you're gonna have to go on

medication, you know. "

"I wanna go on medication"

And he went,

"Well, you f*cking have to"

'Cause that's how

doctors in Australia talk,

and then he goes,

"Okay, you two,

go back to London,

get your blood pressure

checked again

but if you get the same readout

or higher you're on medication",

so I go back

to me doctor in London,

get my blood pressure

checked again,

get exactly the same readout

I got in Australia,

and my doctor goes,

"Oh, are you good!"

And I go, "The doctor in the

strayer said that was too high"

And he went "Australians,

with their salads and sport,

"Their standards are too high. "

"By British standards

you're good, so...

I'm in an unhealthy Australian,

but I'm a healthy

British person.

I think if my health

gets worse,

I'm gonna move

to shittier countries

until eventually I'm the

healthiest man in Rwanda.

And there's gotta be

some doctor going

"You've only got HIV,

it's not even AIDS yet. "

Stop your bitchin'

and join the soccer team.

I'm not afraid of dying if I do

get AIDS or something like that,

I don't give a f*ck.

I hate life.

I've never enjoyed

one moment on this planet.

I don't wanna live forever,

the only people who wanna-

I'm not worried about dying,

because I'm an atheist, right?

Now, acknowledging this is a

Christian country,

and I stand up for your right

to be religious,

but please know

that you're wrong, eh?

Please know-

that you're living

in a fantasy land,

and after you die

nothing happens,

stop being a f*cking child.

I'm not scared of dying

because I'm an atheist,

I know I'll just

rot in the ground, right?

I won't even know I'm dead,

you all know why?

'Cause I'll be f*cking dead.

Religious people worry

because I believe in heaven,

if there's a heaven

there has to be a hell,

and everyone

who's read that book

knows that you've done

enough shit to go to hell.

And that makes it very stressful

on your deathbed, doesn't it,

knowing what a prick you are,

you go,

"Aw, this isn't gonna be good".

Right?

I don't wanna go to heaven,

I don't even want

the option of Heaven,

I don't want to exist

in a conscious state

for the rest of eternity

constantly thinking,

I don't even like thinking

as it is,

"Where's me passport?

Can't punch women in the face".

The Bible calls heaven

"eternal bliss",

I don't get how blissful it is,

it's eternal,

you'll get used to it,

and then you'll be

f*cking bored.

And what's hell

meant to be like,

fire and brimstone

and eternal agony.

That's what's written

in the Bible.

That's God's book.

As far as I know,

the devil hasn't

brought out a book.

We don't know his side

of the argument, right?

If you ask me, if the devil

and God are having an argument,

the devil's being

a bigger f*cking man.

'Cause God's just writing shit

about him,

and the devil's going,

"I'm not even gonna f*cking

comment,

Let's- Let's think about this

rationally.

Right? Which isn't a good point

for the Christians,

rational thought.

Fire and brimstone

and eternal agony,

that's what hell's meant to be,

that's written in the Bible.

Now, God runs

the entire universe

except for one place

which is run by hell

and the devil,

and now, the devil

is his biggest enemy

and they don't get along

whatsoever, right?

Now, if you act bad

you go to hell, right?

Now, you've lied,

you've cheated, you've stolen,

you've been a prick

your entire life.

Why would the devil punish you?

You're one of his boys.

He's gotta f*cking dig you.

That's where all the hookers

and dr*gs are gonna be,

I don't think they're gonna

make their way into heaven.

I don't think God's gonna

open the gate and go,

"Jimmy, you've been

such a good guy,

see this big-titted whore

with the line of coke on her?"

"Knock yourself out, son. "

What's meant to happen

when you die and go to heaven,

you see a big bright light,

you walk towards the light.

What's at the end of the light?

All your dead relatives.

Well, whoop-dee-fuckin-doo.

You ever spent a weekend

at your grandparents' house?

It's f*cking shit.

If you're out there for an hour

you'll go,

"I wish that all me friends

would die. "

You'll be out there meeting

everybody,

"Hi, Aunt Neda.

How are you, Granddad?"

"Hello, Uncle

You-used-to-touch-me".

"How did you get up here?"

"Oh, that's right, you used to

work for the Church. "

You hear that little groan

when I said that,

"You work for the Church"?

It's because religious people

are in the crowd,

and they don't like

hearing facts.

That's a fact,

there's been pedophiles

f*cking fact.

But all they're saying is like,

Because religious people

will forgive God

In their mind

he does good things,

rainbows, children's laughter,

shit like that, right?

When he does bad things

like hurricanes, AIDS,

cancer, child molestation,

then they just go,

"Oh, well. God works

in mysterious ways. "

What sort of an excuse is that?

What- What is-

What is mysterious

That is like,

the least mysterious activity

since the dawn of time.

If- If I ever date

a religious girl

she's gonna come home and

I'm gonna be raping her mom.

Right?

And she's gonna look at me

and go, "What are you doing?"

And I'm gonna go,

"I'm mysterious. "

"I've always been mysterious. "

See, religious people

are just f*cking stupid.

There's how the world was

created which everyone,

and that's the big bang theory,

and then evolution kicked in

and there's little

microorganisms, then a tadpole,

that tadpole learned how to walk

or something,

and then there were

some animals in between,

and then f*cking monkeys,

and then us.

And that's science.

Then there's how religious

people believe we was created

They believe that God put

two white people in the jungle

without sunscreen,

and they f*cked,

and there we go, people.

There we go, black people,

Arab people, oriental people,

and for the amount of inbreeding

very few retards.

It seems so plausible!

See, the fact is that

there's evolution in the Bible.

Right? Jesus was 4'7".

Four foot seven.

He was a normal-sized guy,

everyone was short back then.

We're all taller now

because of evolution.

That's how Jesus could

feed the people with two fish,

little f*cking people,

big f*cking fish.

So this is Jesus here, right?

He's a little tiny Arab Jew.

He looks like Super Mario.

Now,

if Jesus is this big,

that means his cross was maybe,

maybe that big.

Now, I'm not saying

I'm better than Jesus.

But if I was

on that little cross

my feet would be on the ground

and I'd f*cking live.

So what k*lled Jesus could not

k*ll me, I'm way more powerful.

Not only would I leave,

but I would lift the cross

out of the ground

and beat up all the little

Roman bastards.

And History would be

very different.

Thousands of years before Jesus

there was a guy called Noah.

And Noah built a boat

and Noah lived to be

950 years old.

But I'd never mention that

in sermons,

'cause we might think

its bullshit.

And Noah was thousands of years

before Jesus

so Noah was about this big.

There's little Noah

with his long hair

and his gray big beard.

He looks like

a glorified chess piece.

And he built a boat,

and they put all the animals

in the boat.

And we had two of each animal,

and he lived in, like,

Afghanistan,

back when it was

a god-loving place.

And all the animals came

and they all

swam there and shit,

they all mated there like a

week.

All the kangaroos and all that

type of stuff.

Then he worked out some type of

refrigeration system

to keep the polar bears cold

and the lions hot,

and he made the door

on the ark very small

so the dinosaurs couldn't get in

'cause he was a thinker.

Then he had storage areas

for all their delicate diets

'cause we all know what picky,

f*cking eaters pandas are.

Aren't pandas a bunch of c**ts.

I'm done with pandas.

I'll tell you why,

every f*cking living creature

loves pandas.

The panda doesn't have

a natural predator on the planet

and they're dying out

because they're f*cking dicks.

f*ck'em. Let'em die out.

The pandas don't f*ck each

other, they don't have babies,

therefore we've got

no f*cking pandas,

they're dead, why,

let's lose the f*cking pandas.

We've tried.

We have f*cking tried.

We at the Human Rights

put pandas in cages together,

and try to help them f*ck.

We go,

"there's a panda. "

"Go f*ck the panda. "

And they just look

at each other.

You put me in a cage

with anything,

anything,

and after a week I'll f*ck it.

You'd think pandas

know the Chinese

that's all I'm gonna say

about Christianity.

To be honest with you, it's just

a glorified panda joke.

It's how comedy works, right?

You start with a funny bit,

you work backwards,

so I start panda, and I go

all the way back to small Jesus,

very logical.

But I know I'm in America,

and all you people love God,

and all that, eh?

So let's pick out a few more

religions and make it fair.

All right?

Jews.

What's all that about?

What's with the curly sideburns?

Where in the Bible does it say,

"If thou loves me,

thou shall look lie a d*ck?"

Next religion.

Isn't Buddha a fat bastard?

That's all I've got on Buddha.

One more.

Muslims.

Can you feel that?

Can you f*cking feel that?

One word,

one f*cking word,

and all your assholes

shrunk up and went...

Oh, make it good, Australia,

man. Don't f*ck this up.

'Cause you think when I say

Muslims I'm about to be r*cist,

don't ya?

I'm not r*cist, I'm a bigot.

It's completely different.

And being Muslim isn't a race.

I'm not talking about

Arab people,

I have no problems

with Arab people,

I like to eat food

late at night.

I'm talking about Muslims.

I'm not talking about

t*rrorists,

every comic who has a Muslim

joke does a t*rror1st joke.

Obviously most of them

aren't t*rrorists,

I'm talking about the things

that we know, and shit,

the fact that women have very

few rights in their culture.

Now, it sounds good in theory,

but-

In our society

it should be frowned upon.

I don't think I could be

a Muslim

because they can't eat bacon

or drink beer.

And they're the two greatest

f*cking things in the world.

You take bacon and beer

away from me

and I'll fly a plane

into a f*cking building.

I love drinking.

I hate people who don't drink.

Never met an interesting person

in my life who didn't drink.

If you don't drink

you're a boring c**t

and all your story sucks.

All your stories

end the same way with

"And then I got home. "

No one gives a shit that you've

been promoted at work,

and no one gives a f*ck that

your kids don't have bruises.

Ever asked a non-drinker

why they don't drink?

Same f*cking answer every time,

you go, "Why don't you drink?"

They go, "I don't like

the taste of it. "

Nobody does!

No one likes the taste of it,

we drink 'cause we

f*cking have to.

No one's ever had

a shot of tequila and gone,

"Oooh, that's lovely!"

"Next time I'll have that

instead of pudding.

We drink 'cause life's shit.

And you gotta do

whatever you can

I- I honestly didn't mean

to time it like that.

That's like a magic trick,

ain't it?

I've decided I'm gonna

punch people in the head

if they say the next sentence.

I encourage you to do the same

because they think they're

better than you.

Anyone who says the sentence:

"I don't need to drink

or take dr*gs

to have a good time,

I'm high on life. "

Punch that c**t in the head

till your hand breaks.

Really...

Well, I'm, angry on alcohol.

Now drive me home.

Smoking's a weird one, man.

Smoking's like...

I appreciate with smoking that

you can't smoke indoors anymore.

I think that's the right law.

I think if people

are working there

I think it's fair enough.

And it's the same law

all across the world.

But in Australia now,

But you can't smoke

in front of a hooker.

'Cause this might be

detrimental to her health.

Is this really the worst thing

that's happening

to this woman's body

on a day-to-day basis?

If you pay her enough money

you can bone her.

I'm not saying pour petrol

on her and light her up,

I'm saying,

let people know you were there.

Now, while I'm on the subject

of burn victims,

I wouldn't wish it

upon my worst enemy,

it's an awful thing

to happen to anyone,

but I do laugh whenever

there's like, a house fire

or a car accident,

or something like that,

and someone gets

really badly burned,

and the news read'll be like,

"They're alive,

but they have been burned

"Burned beyond recognition. "

You ever seen a burn victim?

Most recognizable person

in a room.

The term should be,

"Burned to recognition. "

This is my mate Steve, no one

used to notice him at parties.

Since the accident,

you go,

he's gone from plain

to extra crispy.

But back to smoking.

Why do we still have

no-smoking signs out?

That makes no sense,

we used to have to have

no-smoking signs.

We used to have to know where

we could or could not smoke.

Now, we can't f*cking smoke

anywhere,

so why the signs?

It's the law.

I understand the law.

We don't have signs

for every other law

to remind us all the time.

We're meant to understand this.

Right? So every place you

walk in has a no-smoking sign

but it also should have above

it, "And don't touch kids. "

Because,

I feel like

that's the worst crime.

You'll see me in the court

of a nightclub

fisting a small animal, going

"That don't have a sign. "

"I think I can do this. "

Obviously that wouldn't happen,

'cause I don't go to nightclubs.

My nightclub days are over,

I'm 32, I'm a pub guy,

that's it.

Pub and comedy club,

that's all I do.

I don't go to nightclubs

And if you're over 25

and you still go to nightclubs,

you're a d*ck.

You're a d*ck,

and you look like a loser,

and if you drive around a car

that goes, pff, pff,

you're a f*cking d*ck.

If you've ever wanted to be a DJ

that mixes songs- d*ck.

Nightclubs treat you

like you're a child.

I hate being told

I'm not good enough

to get into a building

by some guy.

I hate going to the toilet and

not be able to wash my own hands

because I have a man there

that I'm meant to tip

a couple of dollars.

Like, and he's there with a bit

of stuff and a hand towel,

and I'm like,

"Can you f*ck off, mate?"

I've washed my hands before.

I'm very good at it,

it's one of my skills.

I'm not the most hygienic man

in the world,

I was just sniffing coke

off a toilet seat.

Do you really think

the cleanliness of my hands

is of a paramount concern

at the present moment?

You ever walked out of there

and not washed your hands?

He looks at you

like you're scum.

I'm scum?

You work in a

f*cking toilet, man.

I don't even wash my hands,

f*ck washing my hands.

I do so many filthy things,

that's f*cking-

People get obsessed with germs.

Every time I have a one-night

stand, afterwards I go,

"Can I use your toothbrush?"

And she'll just be like:

You've just sucked my cock,

give me your f*cking toothbrush.

I'm gonna tell you some stories

about my family.

We'll start with my dad,

all right?

My dad's a cool guy,

he's a bit of a d*ck,

he's like all dads,

he thinks he's funny,

and he's funny

for other reasons.

Anyway, so me

and my older brother Scott,

Scott was about nine years old,

I was about five years old,

we're in the garage,

and we're loading up the car

to take things

down to the junkyard,

So we're going through

these old boxes in the garage

and my brother pulls

a vibrator out of the box,

just like this:

And my dad does that

he's-concerned-

but-he-doesn't-want-us-

"Hey, what you got there?"

And then he takes the vibrator,

and me and my brother,

we know that run,

we know what's happened.

This is something good. Eh?

We're f*cking transfixed,

"What is that, dad,

what, what, what?"

"What is that?"

And dad turns around

with the full knowledge

that we have no idea,

and he's like,

"What, uh... What...

This, this is a...

Women... Women, uh...

Women use this to mas-

It's a massager. "

And then my dad turns it on

and goes,

"Whoa, I'm having a great time. "

He turns it off,

he puts it back in the box,

he puts the box back

on the top shelf, and he goes,

"Now, we're not to look at that

anymore. "

A week later, me and my brother,

it's like,

the middle of summer in Sydney,

it's blistering heat,

we're just rocking around

in our underwear,

as kids do, you know.

My brother Scott walks out

to me, and Scott, he goes,

"Jim. Garage. "

We go out to the garage,

he gets up on all these boxes,

he pulls the vibrator out

from the top shelf,

and he looks at me and goes,

"Now, you massage me,

then I'll massage you.

I go first. "

Now, anyone who knows

an older brother,

or has an older brother,

knows this is a f*cking trick.

You're never gonna get a go.

Older brothers always go first.

You never go first.

You push him on the swing

for six f*cking minutes

and then they f*ck off.

So I turn the vibrator on,

"I'm gonna get a go",

"Yeah, you're gonna get

a f*cking go",

"All right", "Okay. "

I start working

me brother's back, just,

And my brother gives it these

ones-

Then it's my turn, right?

I stand in front, my brother

turns the vibrator on,

he drops it on the ground,

he fucks off.

Now, I'm five years old,

what do I do?

Five-years-old, you cry.

Right?

So I'm sitting

in the dark of the garage,

in me underwear,

crying,

there's a f*cking vibrator

kicking off on the ground,

I pick up the vibrator

and start working me back.

And then my dad walks in.

To find his five-year-old son

in the garage, in his underwear,

rubbing a vibrator

all over his back.

crying.

And my dad walks up

and he looks me in the eye,

and this is when he says,

he goes,

"Has Scotty f*cked you over

again?"

Then my dad takes the vibrator

off me and looks at me and goes,

"Now, you're not to play

with this, all right?

You're not to play with this.

This is Dad's. "

Now, that sentence

has haunted me.

This is tense.

That raises more questions

than I ever f*cking need

answered.

He retired from work,

my old man,

And as a retirement gift

I paid for him

then paid for me and him

to go out to Germany

in the Soccer World Cup.

It literally cost me

10,000 pounds,

which is like

200,000 American dollars.

So, we're going out, we're gonna

see Australia vs. Brazil,

now, this is the biggest game

in Australia's soccer history,

that's in Munich, it's a great

f*cking soccer country, Germany,

he's loving it, right?

The stadium's about 20 miles

out of the city,

it was like 34 degrees Celsius,

which is, I don't know,

300 Fahrenheit, or something.

And they piled us onto these

un-air-conditioned trains

like f*cking sardines,

I've never felt

so crammed up in my life,

like, so uncomfortable,

I'd never felt so uncomfortable

While we were in the train

there's Brazilian fans chanting,

On the other end of the train

there's Australian fans

trying to chant back, but it's

really like our first World Cup

so it's just like one bloke

going,

Ronaldo's got big teeth.

And the singing dies down

for just a second, right?

Enough time for my dad

to go,

"This is how they used

to transport the Jews. "

There are very few sentences

on this planet

that can make any train

of soccer hooligans go,

"f*cking Jesus, mate. "

"That's a bit uncalled-for. "

Well, my dad thought maybe they

didn't hear him, right?

So he said it again

slightly louder.

"But some of them didn't make it

to the camps, you know. "

We get off the train,

I'm f*cking mortified,

I have never been so embarrassed

in my life,

and I'm with my dad,

I'm going,

"Are you f*cking kidding me,

what is f*cking wrong with you",

and he's like, "What?

What have I done now? What?"

And I'm like,

"The Jew comment"

and he went, "Oh, the f*cking-

They was saying things,

I said some things,

I said something. "

"We're at the football. "

You can't argue with that.

I'm very excited about America.

I am looking forward

to living here.

Now, I get to travel a bit

with this job.

Three years ago I was in, uh...

South Africa for the

Cape Town Comedy Festival,

I was out there for six weeks

doing gigs.

I was out there with a comedian,

a very good friend of mine,

I won't say his name, but he's

gay as f*ck this guy, right?

And so every day, what we'd do

is we go like,

we have a heterosexual day,

try to pick up girls,

and then we go to a gay

nightclub the other day.

So we go into this gay nightclub

in South Africa called Bronco.

Let's face it,

gay nightclub in Africa,

should have been called AIDS.

We're taking two ecstasy tablets

each, right?

And he's off on the dance floor

trying to get some d*ck

and I'm standing

at the end of the bar

chatting with a couple of lads

I've never met before,

and one of them goes,

"You're wasted, aren't you?"

And I go, "Yep",

and he goes,

"Do you want to come

to the bathroom with me?"

Now, as a drug taker,

I think he's offering me

a lot of coke.

So I went: "Would I!"

I put my arm around him,

dragged him off to the toilet,

"Man,this is gonna be

f*cking awesome, man"!

I went into the stall

first to wipe the seat down,

then I went out

and beckoned him in.

Now I don't know about

all the men in the room

but I know these days when you

get me all fellow zocked off,

it takes a little while

to stand to attention.

But he must have

really liked me,

'cause he walked in with

what I can only describe

as a great big black cock.

He shut the door to the stall.

There are now three

people in the stall:

me, him and the

great big black cock.

Just to give the

dimentions of the man,

he's this tall, he's

this wide, the cock's erect,

it's poking into my stomach.

I look up at him and I go...

"I thought we were

gonna do some coke".

And he went: "Do you

want some coke first?"

"I only want coke".

"But I can see

how with your accent

you may have

mistaken that for cock?"

Now I'd like to say that

something funny happened

after that but, uh, no.

No, he was actually

a really good guy,

I told him I was wasn't

gay and he apologized,

we went out and

he bought me a drink.

Um, but for the sake

of comedy, he r*ped me!

'Cause that makes

the joke more fun.

He r*ped me.

I um, my mother- we'll

talk about my mum a bit.

My mum is a very nice lady,

big fat woman. Can take a punch.

She- she- uh she's

over 300 pounds, right?

When- when me and

Scotty were young,

when- same ages,

nine and five, big year,

Mum took me and Scotty out

to see the Moscow Circus

when it came to uh, Sydney.

Now their was an elephant in

the Moscow Circus called Gunter,

and the Circus Master used to

and the elephant used

to rise into it's legs.

I- i- it

was a great show

Anyway, from that moment on

me and my brothers would

refer to my mum as Gunter.

Never to her face,

never to her face,

but with such sentences as:

"When's Gunter coming home?"

"What's Gunter

making for dinner?"

"Don't do that,

Gunter will catch you!"

Now this still

goes on to this day

but we never once said it to her

face except for this one time

when my brother's

about seventeen

and I'm about thirteen,

we're at home

watching a mid-day movie.

Now my brother's on the

couch, arm laid on the floor,

my mum's in a chair.

Now did anyone have a parent

that had their own chair?

They were always

the cunty parent.

They were never the good one.

If you're a parent

that has their own chair,

you're a fascist piece of shit.

If you come home and

someone's sitting in your chair,

there's plenty of

other seats, you n*zi c**t.

You don't f*cking

rule the world.

Now she had this chair

or as we called it:

The Throne of Misery,

the Throne of Misery

was a lazyboy chair

that had given up all hope and

the springs were all indented.

Now the movie we

are watching is the Blob,

the original Blob

with Steve McQueen,

the old film, mid-day movie.

We're watching the Blob,

and the scene were the Blob

is oozing out of the cinema,

my brother goes:

"That's you, mum! That's you. "

And me and my brother laugh

like it's the funniest

joke that's ever been said,

because at the time

there's a good chance it was.

My mother on the other hand

did not find this joke funny.

She looks over

at my brother and goes:

You think you're too old

for a smack across the head,

you little f*cking bastard?

I brought you into this world

and I'll f*cking take you out!

And then she goes

to get out of the chair

but she's so fat and so angry,

she can't get any leverage.

So she's just rocking

from side to side:

"You f*cking kids!

I used to have a life",

and her head slash neck

which was all the same to me

is getting

redder and veinier!

My brother knows he has

so much time to run away,

that he

casually walks over,

stands in front of her,

turns to me and winks,

and goes: "Up, Gunter, up!"

And that's the funniest

f*cking thing I've ever seen.

I've got a theory.

Every single time a man

sleeps with a lot of women,

he's called a stud.

But if a woman sleeps with a

lot of men, she's called a slut.

And people

think this is unfair.

Not!

It's completely fair.

And I'll tell

you why, right?

'Cause it's f*cking

easy to be a slut.

It's f*cking

hard to be a stud.

To be a stud you have to be

witty, charming, well-dressed,

have nice shoes and a fab job.

To be a slut you

just have to be there.

There are fat

ugly sluts out there.

There are no fat ugly studs.

I've met slutty dwarfs,

I've never met a stud dwarf.

Maybe in their own realm,

but none that have crossed over

to our world.

I will say realm

when I mention dwarfs.

Realm is the

right- right word

because

if fantasy movies and

science fiction films

have taught me anything

is that dwarfs are the

only socially acceptable

form of disability

to put in a movie,

without anyone questioning

what the f*ck you're doing.

You think of another disability

that's been dressed

up as something else.

Nothing.

Dwarfs, we'll paint 'em

orange, make 'em dance,

call 'em Oommpa Loompa.

George Lucas can ring

up a dwarf farm, and go:

"I need a hundred dwarfs",

"put 'em in bear outfits".

"We'll call 'em ewocks,

let's make this movie happen!".

Try doing that with Cerebral

Palsy and see were it gets ya!

"I need fifteen spastics",

"Cover 'em in fur, we'll

call 'em Wonky Donky Monsters".

"They protect the emperor".

"Let's make

this movie happen!"

sluts and studs before and...

when I say sluts I don't

mean that as a bad word.

I love sluts. I f*cking-

I need 'em in my life, sluts.

They're the best.

I- I want what

everyone wants in this world.

I wanna fall in

love, I wanta get married,

I wanta have kids,

I wanta be happy ever after,

but the problem is,

I've done this job for so

long and f*cked so many sluts,

that I can't

go back to nice girls.

'Cause nice girls

are shit in bed.

Now I know there are

a lot of nice girls

in the room right

now. They're going:

"You don't know me".

"I'm dirty".

No you're f*cking not,

you're shit in bed.

But it's not your

fault, it's not your fault.

It's that everything is

worked out for you in your life.

I'm not blaming you,

nothing bad has happened,

and therefore you

wouldn't do disgusting things.

I appreciate that.

Now I know you're

thinking you're dirty,

I- let me see if

I got you right here.

All the girls that think they're

dirty but they're nice girls,

I can see you out there.

Y- You think

you're dirty because

you have a nurse's

outfit or a schoolgirl outfit

You uh, deep throat a cock

because you saw someone doing it

in a porn once and you think

"Oh my boyfriend will dig that".

Ah, you take it up the ass four

times a year, am I correct?

Now please don't think that

I don't appreciate the effort.

Because I do, I-

thank you so much for trying.

But I'll tell you

what the difference is,

when you deep throat a cock,

you're doing it because

you've seen it in a porn

and you think your

boyfriend will enjoy it.

When a slut deep throats a cock,

she's doing it because she

can't last another second

without having a cock

bruising the back of her throat.

When you've got a cock in

your ass, you're thinking:

"This isn't so bad. I hope

he's enjoyed his birthday".

When a slut's got a cock

in her ass she's thinking:

"You know what'd be good?

Two cocks in my ass!"

And you can't learn this.

That has to be in your system,

that has to be part of you.

But the thing is

you can't marry the slut,

you can't have a

relationship with the slut,

because slut's

are f*cking mental!

Mental! That's what makes them

good, they've got some power.

I f*cked this girl five

months ago for four months.

All right? For four

months I f*cked her,

and then a couple weeks ago,

she walks up,

four and a half months

from the moment I met her,

she walks up at my

house with a baby, going:

"This is your baby!".

Now I'm not great

at maths, all right?

And the baby's Chinese,

and there's a Chinese family

crying: "Give us back our baby!"

f*cking mental.

See the thing is,

now I'm saying,

sluts, there might be

some women in the audience

I'm gonna do some

c**t jokes now.

I'm gonna do

some jokes about c**ts.

Now the thing is

with doing c**t jokes,

I know- and also the word

"c**t" you don't like it,

do you America?

You're not comfortable with it

There's women that every

time I say the word "c**t",

they're like Aw, Jesus!

You just don't like it

and- and you accept it from me

because "Oh he's foreign,

he doesn't know better".

I do know better

I just don't give a f*ck.

The thing is you've got

worse words in America,

like- like you haven't

heard me say "mother fucker",

Have you?

It's ridiculous that word.

I think it just sounds

terrible in my accent,

The word "mother fucker" is

much more offensive than "c**t".

It's, "c**t" is, it's-

it's- it's it's in Shakespeare,

in Chauser, it's the oldest

swear word in the world.

It's lovely.

But mother fucker is so brash.

Let's break down

the word mother fucker, right?

It's a boy f*cking his mum.

In the c**t. It's horrible.

Now I'm gonna do some

jokes about female genitalia.

Now I don't feel bad about

doing this anyway because

I haven't been

to many comedy clubs

where I haven't

seen a female comic

And not being able

to get their d*ck up,

and what's wrong with men, when

you f*ck 'em, a, b, c and d...

And I- I've never seen

a man at the end of the show

walk up to the manager and go

"well I enjoyed it,

but I feel that penis

stuff was unnecessary".

Men just f*cking, "Aw,

I got a small d*ck what

are you gonna do about it?"

See, women always

go for the d*ck,

they think that's men's Achilles

Heel, they always go after you.

"It's not funny, it's funny... "

Every time

you shag a bird,

and you're not good to her,

and then like a week later,

all the friends will

walk past you and do that.

And women think that's

the funniest joke

in the world, right?

That's not funny,

that's hurtful.

Next time you think about doing

that, imagine you f*ck a guy,

the next day all of his

mates walk past you and go:

You never do that again!

And you think by doing this

you're teaching me something I

don't already f*cking know?

I'm well aware I've got a

small d*ck, I've measured it.

I know how big my d*ck

is to the millimeter.

But does any woman in this room

truly know the

size of their c**t?

None of you, and none of

you will ever know for sure

because no man's gonna tell

you because we're good people.

I know what you're thinking.

He's not talking about my c**t

'cause it gets

a bit sore during sex.

That means fuckle.

I've been down on

a woman for twenty minutes,

it's wide open, it's

flowing like the Mary River,

I put the tip

of my cock in there,

they go "Gentle,

gentle, gentle".

"I could shove my

f*cking head in that".

Sometimes fat chicks

have really tight c**ts.

That's a bloody mistery eh?

I think it's 'cause all

the fat's pushing inwards,

and when you're f*cking 'em,

and you never

actually reach the c**t.

That's why doctor's say

fat women have to

lose weight to get pregnant.

That's a good joke.

I- I'll tell

you a bit about me,

I- as I'm getting older,

I'm finding it harder

and harder to- to come.

I used to be able

to come like that,

I was like an

orgasming ninja.

I could come whenever I-

And now I can't come so much

because each day that goes by...

I- I can come if I'm

masturbating because I know me.

But if there's a chick involved

and it's not really nasty and

everything, I can't really...

So what I do is I fake orgasm

now because I wear condoms.

And if you wear condoms the girl

doesn't know that you're faking

and I can't come with a condom

on. Those days are long gone.

and I fake orgasm

with a condom on,

eh, and women don't

think that men can fake orgasm

but we can

f*cking fake orgasm.

You think

that's your only domain.

The weird thing is that men...

I have to fake orgasm

because if I don't come,

a girl will

take that personally,

like she hasn't

done a good job, right?

And women fake orgasms

because, I don't know why.

I don't give a shit.

I have done my best.

What do you want from me?

I'm a- I'm trying, I- I-

if I haven't made you come,

I've made girls come before.

Don't blame me. Your

c**t's broken. All right?

And- and- and female orgasm's

all wailing and jiggly legs

like I'll never crack

that code or something.

But my fake orgasm

as a man is a piece of piss.

This is me fake

orgasming with a condom on.

Now what I do is

I put 'em in doggy style,

and then I just go like this:

There you go! Uh!

And then I take the

condom off really quickly

and run to the bin.

"Oh just put this over here",

which is very similar

to how my dad runs.

Eh! "Don't come over here!" You

know, you put tissues over...

"Don't come near the bin!

You'll get pregnant!"

"There's so much come here".

"Be careful!"

Which leaves me

to ask the next question:

If I come like this,

When Ret*rded people come,

do they look

normal for a second?

Is there a little

window of time where...?

Uh, let's finish

up on a story,

we've got, you know...

Now, uh, a few years back,

maybe four years ago now,

I was performing in

the Amsterdam Hilton,

now the base of the Amsterdam

Hilton have a comedy club,

and I was there for two weeks.

I had two days off

from my two weeks,

and I found out that on

the outskirts of Amsterdam

there's a great big place

called the Porn Warehouse,

which is like

a great big Walmart.

So on my day off I thought:

"f*ck Ann Frank's place".

And- I went out to

the Porn Warehouse.

Now when I go grocery shopping,

Porn warehouse, took a trolley.

It still had the kid seat,

which I thought was odd.

Now I'm lining my trolley

full of every little bit of porn

and paraphernalia I can get,

I get up

towards the till and

there's a massive wall

covered in dildo's.

Now if you're with your

mates, what would you do?

Sword fight!

But I was by myself so I just

do that scene from Star Wars

where there's like the

floating wall with the...

Now there's a smaller

wall but just as impressive,

covered in rubber vibrating

vaginas.

Now whenever you're with

your mates and see one of those,

you go "Who the f*ck

would use one of those eh?"

There's always a bit

of your brain that goes:

"Wouldn't mind

trying that just once".

So, I got myself

the Jimmy Jammers

and rubber vibrating vag*na

and the side of the box said:

"Vibrates so as to give

realistic sensation. "

Realistic if your f*cking

a chick with Parkinson,

but not realistic

in the full sense.

Now I'm going back

to my hotel and decided

if I'm gonna have this

wank, it'll be the wank.

It's gotta be the wank

that when I've got dementia

I'll be sitting in

a nursing home going:

I f*cked a rubber c**t!

I f- I f*cked it!

Wednsday's pudding day!

So I put on me porn

on one side of the bed,

I put porn on the telly,

I got the rubber c**t,

it had a vibrating

egg that went on the end

with a cord

to a remote control.

I uh, lubed up my cock

and I proceeded to f*ck it.

Now, it felt okay but

I couldn't really enjoy meself

because the only thought

going through me head was:

"If you die right now",

this is how they'll tell

your mum they found you".

Now as I've already mentioned,

I don't have a big cock.

I think the

rubber c**t was faulty.

'Cause as I'm f*cking it,

the latex on the top

just sort of tears,

and I'm pretty upset 'cause

it's not like I can

take it back to the shop,

slap it on

the counter and go:

"Look at that".

"I bought that an hour ago",

"went home and f*cked it",

"now that c**t's broken".

Now, I still had a lot of

lube, I still had a lot of porn,

and I still had

a vibrating egg.

So I did what anyone

in this room would do:

I lubed that egg up

and shoved it up me ass!

It's now sitting

up against the gland

The male g spot.

It felt terrific.

I was enjoying myself so much

I was already thinking of

other things to shove up me ass

once I got back to London.

I slapped me cock

a couple of times

and I gizzed all over me chest.

so now I've got gizzle all

over me chest, lube on me cock,

egg hanging out me ass,

broken c**t in the corner.

I gotta tell you,

I've looked better.

Now you know that bit of pain

that goes through your soul

after you've had a wank and you

got a bit of come on your hand?

and you go:

"What did you do that for?"

"You're a grown man. "

Well I still had an egg

hanging out of my ass.

Safe to say

I wanted to k*ll meself,

so I started slapping

the porn off the bed,

turn the porn off the telly.

I go to whip the egg outta me

ass, the f*cking cord snaps off!

Not only does it snap off,

but the two plastic shells of

the egg slightly break apart,

and are now pinching

against me colon!

Now you're first thought is:

"Well don't worry about this

Jim, you can shit this out".

But your ass hole

knows what shit is

and it knows

what plastic egg is,

and it don't play

cricket in this situation.

Now, I don't know if you all

know a lot about your colon,

and know should 'ya,

But they're made up of several

channels that pump poo through.

Now I've lubed up

this finger and this thumb.

And I've gone up

me ass after the egg.

With every grab

I've pushed it further,

and further

and further up my colon.

It's now up to channel five.

My next thought was to get a

whole lot of high fiber food,

make my poo really solid, push

the egg out through pressure,

very similar to when

Augustus Gloop got stuck

in the chocolate chute in

I was working on

one method at a time.

I could've done with an

Oommpa Loompa with a plunger.

Now as many of you

may have already realized,

I'm not a doctor.

I didn't know that high fiber

food made you poo sloppy.

I thought the grains

and stuff held together

to make some type of super poo.

Turns out that protein

makes you poo hard.

Ironically, I should've

been eating boiled eggs.

Insted, I had to shit

the way around the egg.

I don't feel like you're

all getting into this story.

So let's jump forward

to day number three.

I decided that if it

was up my ass for another day,

I was gonna go to hospital.

My biggest fear was going to

hospital in a foreign country

"You'll never guess

what's happened to me".

But being Holland there's

a good chance he could go:

"You have an egg up your ass?"

"Go join the cue

with the other australians".

On day number three

I had a chinese dinner.

And I kept my chopsticks.

Now I've gone

back to the hotel.

I've bent over

At this moment

I've thought to myself:

"You probably should've

gone to the Ann Frank museum".

I put one chopstick

on top of the egg,

in a crow bearing fashion.

The other chopstick

I used to widen the hole.

In one motion I snapped

this egg outta my ass.

Followed by two feet of shit.

It was at this

moment I thought to meself:

Shoulda done that

in the bathroom!

Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you so much!