[RADIO TUNING IN AND OUT]
♪ I'm just where
you need to be
♪ So grab your things
You're coming home with me
♪ On top and moaning
while you're boning me
♪ I'll curl your toes
And then you're off to sleep
♪ Sleep
♪ What you want,
What you need
♪ What you want,
What you need
♪ Sleep ♪ What you want,
What you need
♪ What you want
What you need
♪ Sleep ♪ What you want,
What you need
♪ What you want
What you need
♪ Sleep ♪ What you want,
What you need, what you want
♪ A little bit of dollar
is good for me
[VOCALIZING]
♪ A little bit of dollar
is good for me
[VOCALIZING]
♪ Yeah ♪ A little bit of dollar
is good for me
♪ Make a pit stop
Hit your hot spot
♪ It's a drop top
Till your drawers drop
♪ The trouble with cops
on the rooftop ♪
RJ: Power 98 WPEG with blazing hot jams.
Fat and flamin'for the new millennium.
Also getting readyfor the 5:00 traffic jam.
What, what.
Man, I'm living here
along with
the Kings of Comedy.
WOMAN: [OVER PHONE]
How are you doing?
Hey, yo. Hey, baby.
WOMAN: [OVER PHONE]
I just wanted to call to
welcome y'all to Charlotte.
RJ: Well, I'm gonna tell you, I had some tickets for you,
but unfortunately you gottacome up here to get them.
WOMAN: [OVER PHONE] Well, I can... I can do that.
I got tickets.
STEVE: You must not know
where this station is.
[ALL LAUGH]
If you leave now,
you'll make the Sunday show.
[ALL LAUGH]
Everybody wanna know
if we sittin' up here
bein' sincere.
Do we get along?HUGHLEY: Yeah.
Do we like each other?HUGHLEY: Yeah.
We glad we finally
made it out to this mo.
We had to fill up twice.
Yo, hold on...[ALL LAUGH]
You talk about me?
You talk about me
behind my back?
Huh? [LAUGHS]Hell, no.
Hell, no, man.
You know, today isthe last day you canpurchase tickets
for only $9.99,baby. Right?
Nine... $9.99?
What the hell is we,
a chicken dinner
or something?
STEVE: You can't
see us for no $9.99.Actually, it's $9.98.
Yeah, them pennies is killingthem at the ticket office.
[ALL LAUGH]
STEVE: We ain't got
no more pennies!
MAN: 'Cause you know us,
we really coming up there
with Crown Royal bags
full of change.
[LAUGHING]
Hold on. I got a nickel.
Run to the car.
Nathaniel! Nathaniel![LAUGHING]
Open the ashtray
and bring them
two dimes.
[LAUGHING]
You know whatI wanna know about?
While you guys on tour,
I know a lot of ladiescome to the comedy show.
What you doing?
What you doing?
Get up out of here.
We got wives.All y'all married?
So, you wanna know,
out of all the married men,
the four married men
on this tour,
who get the most juice?
Is that what
you want to know?Yeah, yeah.
I ain't gonna
lie to you.
Uh-oh.You know, I'm juicy fruit,
you know what I mean?
[ALL LAUGHING]
[CHATTERING CONTINUES]
MAN: There it is, baby.
ANNOUNCER: Your host,
it's the one and only
Steve Harvey![CHEERING]
[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Money, money, money,
money, money!
♪ Money, money, money,
money, money!
Charlotte, North Carolina,show your love.
♪ Money, money, money,
money, money!
[CHEERING]
♪ Money!
STEVE: Before I get started,
as always, I'd like to saythat God is everything.
Without God,I wouldn't be nothin'.
[APPLAUDING]
Well, now that we donegot that out the way,
how y'all doin'
with y'all country ass?
Yeah! [HOOTS][LAUGHING]
[LAUGHS] You know
your ass is country.
Don't be looking around.
I'm country my damn self.
That's how I know
country-ass people
when I see you.
In the house.
Country-ass people
'preciate shit.
That's why I know.
I'm country, I know.
'Cause I know, I know,
oh, I know y'all been
talkin' about it.
Hey, now, mister,we gonna be on TV?
STEVE: Boy, y'all been
at the barber shops
and beauty salons.
Girl, I'm going to see
the "Kangs."
Get all my shit done.
I'm going to
see the "Kangs."
Not the kings.
The "Kangs."
Well, g*dd*mn it, Charlotte,
I got news for you.
The "Kangs" is here.
[CHEERING]
Y'all had a lot of
good stuff happening
in Charlotte.
Your football team
had a pretty
decent season.
That's, that's all right.
Give, give 'em a hand.
[APPLAUDING, CHEERING]
You know, you know, you know,
y'all just got
the football team
a few years ago.
Now, you sitting there like
it's been a part of the city
for 30 damn years.
I say,
"football team,"
y'all...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Your country-ass
ought to be glad
you got a football team.
[CHEERING]
Ain't no need to boo at me,
y'all need some laughs
'cause I'll tell you
right now,
all the news
'bout your football team
ain't been good news.
[LAUGHING, APPLAUDING]
Rae Carruth!
[CHEERING]
What the hell
was on Ray-Ray mind?
And little... First of all,
just let me just say this,
I ain't here to talk
about guilt or innocence
'cause that ain't my job.
I don't know what
he did or whether
he did or whatever.
All I wanna know is
who helped plan
the g*dd*mn escape?
[LAUGHING]
Was this not
the ignorant-est shit
you ever seen?
What was his little
punk ass thinking?
g*dd*mn it, normally,
when you running
from the law,
you wanna
get a passport.
Go to Canada,
Brazil, Mexico.
No, no. Not Ray-Ray.
Ray-Ray took his ass
to Nashville.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[LAUGHS]
What Nashville,
about 200 miles?
In a damn car.
What is your ignorant ass
thinking 'bout?
Do you know who
lookin' for you, Ray-Ray?
The FBI!
Go to no g*dd*mn Nashville.
Like they ain't
gonna spot your
black ass in Nashville.
And where did this
little Ret*rded
son of a bitch try to hide?
In the g*dd*mn trunk.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But I know y'all
couldn't even
believe that shit.
Y'all had to be back
in Charlotte going,
"I know good and well
this m*therf*cker
ain't in this trunk.
"I bet when they open it,
"I bet the son of a bitch
better not be in that trunk.
"That little m*therf*cker
is in the g*dd*mn trunk.
"Get your black ass
out that trunk!"
[LAUGHS]
I see some of y'all
ain't laughing.
You kiss my ass,
that's funny.
[CHEERING, LAUGHING]
Ain't no need
to get mad at me,
g*dd*mn it.
I ain't shot nobody.
You know, I'm all for
upliftin' black people,
but, g*dd*mn it,
there's some shit
you ain't got
no business doing.
Now somebody gone
'cause your ass done trip.
Ray-Ray little
Ret*rded ass.
As a little boy,he had to be thestupidest son of a bitch
to ever playhide-and-go-seek.
This m*therf*cker
just gonna stand on
the other side of the tree.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Ray-Ray, ain't you
gonna hide?"
"I'm already hidin'."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But I ain't mad
at y'all, though,
'cause y'all ain't
the only ones
goin' through somethin'.
It's like that big movie
that came out, the Titanic.
White people always runnin'
to jump on some bullshit.
Did you go see that
long-ass dry movie?
I did.STEVE: I kept saying,
"Everybody know
what's gonna happen,
"g*dd*mn it,
bring on the water.
"Let's drown
these m*therf*ckers.
"You know
what it's about.
"What are we
sittin' in here
three hours for,
"worrying about
this little punk-ass
boy in jail?
"Drown his punk ass!"
It's a damn shame
the whole movie was
the Titanicall that long.
That movie had have been
about black people,
wouldn't even been no movie.
You ain't never
in your life
heard of
dyin' at the same
damn time.
I don't give a damn
if it was on a ship.
And I know
half of us can't swim.
But black people would have
came up with some shit.
Ain't no way in
the world you would've
drowned black people.
And you saw the movie,
the band was playin'
as the ship went down.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
What black band you know
gonna keep playing
with the damn ship
goin' down?
Kool & The g*ng
would have been
unpluggin' shit.
"Man, let's get
the f*ck out of here.
"Wrap that shit up.
g*dd*mn it, come on!
"Wrap this shit up.
Let's go!
"g*dd*mn it, let's go!
"Get that amplifier off'fore somebody f*ck aroundand get shocked!"
You can't drown 'em.
You know how creative
black people...
All them black people
on that boat,
they'd have been
turning over them
g*dd*mn dining room tables.
They'd have been
out there in the water.
[LAUGHING, APPLAUDING]
They'd have opened up
one of them dinner napkins,
let some air get in it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
Poker, y'all.
Three card
maximum draw.
Don't get silly.
I got problems
and situations goin' on.MAN: Concerns.
I got concerns
that don't concern
the rest of y'all.
Mmm, I'm gonna take one.
Man, I don't know
if that was right.
This ain't lookin' good.
MAN: Let me see
how I'ma try
and approach this.
That's seven,
eight!
I'm gonna bet eight, too.
I got eight.
[LAUGHS] Hold on.
One, two, three, four...
HUGHLEY: You gotta go
in your Crown Royal bag.
Seven, six, seven, eight.
Eight. That's it.
I'm in.
I raise you five. Come on.
Join in or join out.
Oh, man. Uh-oh.
It's on me?It's on you.Come on with that pair.
I ain't got nothin'.
[ALL LAUGHING]
I ain't got
a motherfuckin' thing.
This n*gga's
Thelma and Louise.
He's gonna go
flyin' off a cliff.
STEVE: But let meask you something.
Really, do Ibring you out?
Do I bring you out?
HUGHLEY: Yes, indeed.
But does I bring you out?
Dawg, I ain't know
what to do.
I gonna have to bring
Marvin Gaye with me.
I need somebody.
An expert.
I started looking around
for another m*therf*cker, too.
CEDRIC: This n*gga
bring you out...HUGHLEY: This ain't me.
STEVE: The first brother
that I'm bringing
to the stage,
I have known
for over 13 years.
You may remember him
as the original host
of BET's ComicView.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
He later became
one of the stars
of Def Jam.
He's the star
of the number one
new show
on ABC entitled
The Hughleys.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Charlotte, North Carolina,
put your hands together
and show your love
for D.L. Hughley!
♪ Oh, Sookie, Sookie now
♪ Hey, ow, mm, come on
Hey y'all Charlotte,
how y'all doing?
[CHEERING]
Oh, sit down now.
Go on and have a seat.
Turn that music off.
I love my g*dd*mn job, shit!
Some people don't like
their f*ckin' job, boy.
Some of y'all gotta
get up and go to work
in the morning,
"g*dd*mn, how many...
"How many sick days
I got left?
"This is some
bullshit here."
We stay out real late
knowing we got to get up
early morning to go to work.
We try to estimate
how much sleep
we gonna get, don't we?
"Damn, it's 2:00,
"Shit, I better
go to sleep. God!"
We don't just
call out sick.
We go to the bathroom
and practice, don't we?
[IMITATES COUGHING]
"Hello?"
[GROANS] "Yeah."
Bad thing about working is,
everybody got a job,
and everybody got somebody
working at they job
that's this close
to you whoopin'
they ass, ain't they?
[APPLAUDING]
They don't know yet,
but they this closeto gettin' they asswhooped, ain't they?
You be, "If thismotherfucker saysomething to me today,
"I swear to God,
I'm gonna f*ck him up,
I ain't bullshitting."
And if you ain't clappin',
it's probably your ass
that's close to
the ass-whoopin'.
[LAUGHING]
We do shit different,
like, white folk,
they quit a job and
give a two-week notice.
"I'm quitting in
exactly two weeks."
Black folk,
we get to quit a job,
it's gonna be a surprise.
We walk in four hours late,
"Let me holler at y'all.
"f*ck each and every
last one of y'all."
"You must have a new job."
"You g*dd*mn right I do.
"Tell you what it is,
you gonna f*ck up
my resume." [LAUGHS]
You can't fire
white folk.
You fire white folk
you best believe
somebody getting
shot that day.
"I'm fired?
I'll be right back,
you sons of b*tches."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You fire a brother,
we be mad for
a different reason.
"How come you didn't
call me at home,
m*therf*cker?
"You knew I was
fired yesterday.
"Making me burn up
all my g*dd*mn gas."
Black folk care
about their gas,
'cause we don't
fill up our gas t*nk
all the way, do we?
Just enough gas
for the trip
we goin' on.
"Give me two dollarson pump one, please.
"I ain't going thatgoddamn far, shit."
You ever been so broke,you gotta use that changeyou keep in the ashtray?
Don't act like
it's just me.
f*ck y'all. [LAUGHS]
Some y'all paying,
"Give me 52 cents
on pump one, please."
"What are you driving,a lawn mower?"
"Stay out ofmy g*dd*mn business.
"Put my gasin the f*ckin' car."
White folkand money they...
It's good thing
they have it 'cause
they can't handle it, man.
White folk get nervous
when a bill collector calls,
don't they?
"Jesus, a bill collector's
on the phone.
"What're we gonna say?"
They done f*cked up
and gave black folk
caller ID now.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
First thing we do
is run over
and check the display.
"Wait a minute.
Let that m*therf*cker
ring now.
"I ain't got no friends
with no 800 numbers.
f*ck that."
You ever had
a bill collector
on your phone
talking shit to you
on your phone?
"Look, g*dd*mn it,
we have been as patient
"as we're gonna be.
"Now when can we
expect payment?"
"m*therf*cker, you canexpect paymentanytime you want.
"Look here,
why don't you
pick a date?
"That way, we'd be
surprised together.
"'Cause I ain't had the money
when you called last week,
"I ain't gonna
have the money
when you call next week.
"I'm telling you this
'cause I'm tired of
disguising my g*dd*mn voice.
"Ain't no
Chinese people
live here.
"That was me going,
'He no here, he no here.
"'He move away.
He no here no more.'"
"If you don't pay,
we gonna f*ck up
your credit report."
"Motherfuckin' ain't
no more room on
my credit report.
"What, you gonna
staple some shit
to my credit report?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We don't give a g*dd*mn.
I'm serious, white folk
get broke, you best believe
somebody dying that day.
Black folk don't k*ll nobodyjust 'cause we broke.
'Cause that ain'tno new condition for us.
"You broke,
you gonna
k*ll somebody?"
"No, I'm gonna get
my phone cut back on
to my mama name and..."
Oh, we'll put some
credit in a little
kid's name, won't we?
I know six-year-old
kids got apartments
in their names.
"Latrell, scribble
your name on the lease
and come on now, will you?"
Don't nobody do shit like us.
We know how to be broke.
Halloween was
a f*cked-up
holiday for us
'cause you never
got the whole costume.
Just the mask.
You walk around with a mask
and street clothes on.
Wonder why the whole
neighborhood
recognize your ass.
Everybody wanted
to be a superhero,
but your mother wouldn't
even buy you no cape.
"I ain't got no money
for no g*dd*mn cape.
"Shit, I can
make you a cape!
"Go get me a towel
and a clothespin."
"I can't fly
with this heavy
m*therf*cker on, shit.
"I got to
walk everywhere."
And we all had one of themcountry-ass grandmamasyou could never understand,
but they steady tryin'
to talk to your ass.
"Sit down and now
retch around
and turn that...
"Retch around...
"You done dropped it.
Now rinse it off!"
[LAUGHING]
"What the fuckare you talkin' about?I don't...
"I don't know how torinse shit off."
"You heard what I said.
Retch around
and rinse it off!"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Then they got shit like
Viagra for grandparents.
I don't know about y'all,
but I don't want
my grandparents f*cking.
I don't wanna
call the house.No.
You don't knowwhat the fuckyou'll hear now.
"What you doin',Big Mama?"
"Ooh, child!
"I'ma need to
call you back.
"Papa done got some
of his 'Niagara.'"
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
"Cecil, did
the 'Niagara'
take hold yet?
"Cecil?
"I'ma put these
beans on till your
'Niagara' take hold."
When we was growin' up,
everybody mama wore
that f*cked-up housecoat,remember that?
Lost the string,
had to hold it together.
"Get your black ass
in this house."
"Mama, why don't you
get in the house,
looking like that? Shit.
"Everybody know
you're my mama.
"That's why I'm fighting
in school every g*dd*mn day."
You ever had your mama
come pick you up in school
lookin' so f*cked-up,
you had to pretend
like that wasn't your mama?
Kids be out front,
"g*dd*mn!"
[CHEERING]
"Who mama is
that right there?"
"That's my mama.
That's my..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Plastic all over all
the g*dd*mn furniture.
You fall asleep
on that couch,
you damn near dehydrate.
Remember that?
"Mama, I'm stuck!
"Get a spatula
and some Kool-Aid."
We was growin' up,we always had to staywith your mean grandma.
"I'm going out of town,
you gotta stay
with Big Mama."
"g*dd*mn!
I hate that bitch,
and she hate me!"
Everything you did over
at your mean grandmama house
gonna run up her light bill.
"Don't you come in
my house talkin' loud,
"you will f*ck around
and run up my light bill.
"My light bill be
sky high 'cause of
your little black ass."
Got them silly ass
superstitions.
"Don't use the phone,
it's a rainstorm!
"Lightning be gonna
struck my house.
"Then my light bill
be sky high."
"It's bad luck to openan umbrella in the house."
No, it's bad luck
havin' a hole
in your f*ckin' roof.
That's what bad luck. Shit.
All this shit getting wet,
we'll f*ck around
and k*ll ourselves
in here.
And I don't give a damn
how bad you hurt yourself,
your grandmama won't never
take you to the doctor.
You could break
your neck. You don't...
"Broke your
g*dd*mn neck, huh?
"Lay down and take a nap,
you simple bastard!
[CHEERING]
"I know it hurt.I know it hurt!"
We do shit different, man.
And I talk a lot about
race 'cause a lot of
people don't, man.
Racism exists.
People act like
they ain't r*cist
and they talk
all this shit.
Let me tell you somethin'.
People know exactly
what not to say
to not appear r*cist.
They say all
the right shit
in front of people.
They get home
and say some
f*cked-up shit.
[APPLAUDING]
I think everybody
should be able to say
what the f*ck
is on their mind.
I was not mad at
John Rocker ignorant ass
from the Atlanta Braves.
I was just mad
when he made that
bullshit apology.
f*ck that.
Apologizing.
Every...
White folk
apologize for shit
and do the same shit.
"Oh, I'm not r*cist. I...
"I've had
three black people
over my house."
If you know how many n*gg*s
been over your house,
you r*cist
like a m*therf*cker.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
What the f*ck you doing?
You're up for counting 'em?
"One, two, three.
That's enough! Shit!
"This is not Harlem.
What the f*ck
is wrong with y'all?"
Then he said,
"I don't like 'em
"'cause they threw
beer at me
at Yankee Stadium."
Black folk ain't
throwin' no g*dd*mn
beer at nobody.
Expensive as
them beers is.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Now, if he'd have got hit
with an empty beer can,
that might've been one of us.
"They threw batteries at me."
Black folk don't throw
no batteries away.
Not till they've been
in the freezer
three or four times...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...tryin' to charge
they ass up.
We are different.
Ain't nothin' wrong
with bein' different.
Like white folk
do shit we don't do.
Like white folk
get anorexia.
"I'm too fat. I...
I won't eat anything.
I wanna lose weight."
Black folk,
when we get anorexia,
it's on accident.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Somebody done
f*cked around
and lost they job.
"Daddy, we ain't eating.
We got anorexia?"
"No, daddy got laid off."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
White folk do shit forexcitement we don't do.
Always got to ski
and bungee jump
and sky dive.
Black folk'll never
bungee jump.
That too much
like lynching for us.
"So I'ma let you tie
a rope around me
and push me off a bridge?
"You must be out
your g*dd*mn mind.
"Let me do you.
I'll do you.
f*ck that, huh?"
We don't have to
do shit for excitement.
It's hard enough
just to be black.
f*ck all that.
We have enough
excitement in our lives
tryin' to do regular shit.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
They talk to you at work,
"What are you gonna do
for excitement today?"
"I'ma drive past
the police and try not to
get my ass whooped."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"I'ma fill out
this loan application
that's been denied 50 times.
"Then I'ma pull
my wallet out and hope
I don't get shot 41 times.
"That's what the f*ck
I'm gonna do."
[APPLAUDING, CHEERING]
If I drop my wallet
in front of the police,
I know the rules now.
I will not pick
that m*therf*cker up.
I'll kick it
all the way home.
f*ck that!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We do shit different, man.
God never put a morebeautiful thing on Earththan a black woman,
I swear to God, boy.
I've been
married 14 years.
Before you get married,
you get all the
f*cking sex you want.
After you get married,
you're on some
kind of g*dd*mn ration.
"I don't feel like it.
I got a headache!"
"Girl, I don't even
wanna f*ck with your head.
"Shit, you...
"You could stay asleep
for all I give a g*dd*mn."
Every woman in here
done woke up before,
"What you doin'
back there?"
"Nothin',
but I'll be finished
in a minute now."
Turn around.
You done f*cked
my concentration up."
[LAUGHING]
You ever noticethe freakier the shityou done the night before,
the harder it isto find your drawersthe next morning?
You had donesome freaky shit,
they ain't neverby the side of the bedwhere you left.
They rolled upin the cupboardsome g*dd*mn way.
"What they doin'
in the ceiling fan?"
"You the one who wanted
to play helicopter man.
"Now get my panties down
before them kids
come up in here."
And I know
we hard on y'all,
but y'all don't make it
easy on yourself
asking dumb-ass questions.
You're like,
"Why don't you like to
take a shower with me?"
"'Cause I hate to be
in the back of
the f*cking shower
"freezing to death,
that's why.
"It ain't your job to block
all the hot water, shit."
"How come you don't
hold me when
we finish makin' love?"
"'Cause it's hot! Move!
"Get off me.
Get off me!"
"Why you always
make me sleep
in the wet spot?"
"'Cause that's your side."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"How come
I always got to
get the wash rag?"
"Girl, I don't need
no wash rag.
"My nuts can air dry."
Did you ever leave
that wash rag
on the nightstand?
Your kids come in.
"Your wash rag
on the nightstand."
"Give me that
g*dd*mn wash rag.
"Get the f*ck
out of my room."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You ever f*ck around
and have an orgasm
too quick?
Women act like
you done broke the law.
"You ain't shit!"
[LAUGHING]
[CHUCKLES]
"Yeah, but I ain't horny
no more either, am I?
You could've came
just like I did.
You f*ck around with
that foreplay bullshit.
I got right to the point.
Besides, girl, I just
wanted to knock that
first one out of the way.
Now I'm gonna
tear that ass up.
"You don't know who
you f*ckin' with, girl.
"I'll work you
like a part-time job."
[SNORING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Is it morning already?"
"Yes, you selfish
m*therf*cker."
Kids mess up
the f*cking too.
You got kids,you ain't getting nonetill the kids go to sleep.
"Wait till the kids sleep.
"Is the door locked?
Them kids asleep?"
Kids know you
wanna get some,
they never take theyblack ass to sleep.
They stay up late
drinking coffee,
taking NoDoz.
A woman's biggest fear
is that they gonna catch 'em
f*cking, aren't they?
Hard to explain to
your child how come
mama ass was in the air.
You know they gonna catch you.
One day that door
gonna creak open.
[IMITATES DOOR CREAKING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Get off my mama!
"You get off my mama!"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I got three kids.
Two girls and one little boy.
What is it about little boys?
They don't even
try to wipe they ass,
they just shit
and get up.
"Daddy, I'm finished."
"Son, you ain't even gonna
attempt to wipe your ass?"
"You gonna be
an itchy ass
m*therf*cker."
Always walking around,
"my booty itch!"
"'Cause it's chock-full
of shit, son."
Won't wipe their ass.Only want drawerswith superheroes on them.
Pokemon be shittier
than a m*therf*cker.
"Which one is that?"
"I guess that's
shitty man, little nasty."
Shouldn't talk
about little boys
'cause they grow up
to become men
who don't wipe their ass.
They're g*dd*mn good.
I don't give a f*ck
how cool you are,
every man in here
done had a shitty day.
You know that day
when you ain't wipe your ass
as good as you thought did.
You take them
drawers off, whoo-hoo!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
She ain't about to see
these m*therf*ckers.
You try to put it waydown at the bottomof the dirty clothes.
You can tell when shefind them on wash day.
"What the f*ck is this?
"You such a man,
learn to wipe your ass!"
I don't know what
women laughin' at,
like y'all don't never
do no nasty shit.
Y'all don't never
leave no panties
soakin' in the sink.
That's the nastiest
shit in the world.
"Would you move
these m*therf*ckers?
"I'd like to brush
my g*dd*mn teeth."
They don't soak
the sexy panties,
just the big-ass
period panties.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Panties go fromhere to here.
You think it's a goddamnpillow case in the sinkor some shit.
Maybe that's just
in my house.
No, I believe in God.
Don't nobody love Godlike black folk.Black folk love us some God.
We do, boy.
[APPLAUDING]
Jesus was blackand you can...
If Jesus was black,the apostles were black.
There were no 12 white menfollowing no brother.
Unless they was
the police and Jesus
had a warrant, huh?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
They didn't have to describeJesus to me for meto know he was black.
Jesus' first miracle
was turning water
to wine at a wedding.
Now if that ain't
black folk shit,
I don't know what is.
"Lord, we done
ran out of wine."
"Well, y'all know, normally
I don't do this, but, uh,
"go ahead,
keep the party going."
How you doin', man?
Look like a broke-ass
rapper right there.
MC Such-and-Such.
Ain't that a bitch?
With that Charlie Brown
sweater on.
[LAUGHING]
I'm sorry. I meant,"Wah, wah, wah,wah, wah, wah."
This m*therf*cker,grown-ass mangot Garanimals on.
Ain't that a bitch?
That sweater's so tight,
got a little snap
between the legs.
[LAUGHING]
And what youlaughin' at with themthick-ass glasses on?
You could've watchedthe show fromFayetteville, huh?
[LAUGHING]
Glasses that thick,
I hope you ain't got no job
where you supposed to see.
Lord, please don't beno school bus driver.
You'd be runningover the kids.Boom, boom, boom.
You probably have to haveprescription windshieldsin your bus.
Kids going, "My head hurtwhen I ride with him."
How you doin', man?HUGHLEY: How you doin'?
Look at that girl.You got some big-ass eyes.
I keep thinkin'somebody behind me, shit.
How the hell you sleepwith eyes that big?
"I... I can't closemy eyes all the way.
"I'm so tired.
So, so tired."
You shouldn't have eyelids.
You have mini-blinds, huh?
Look at the girlnext to her, all that red.
Girl look like
a pack of Kool-Aid,
don't she?
[LAUGHING]
Hey, Kool-Aid!
And how you doing, Pebbles?
[BABBLING]
Thought she was
in Thundercat
or some shit like that.
How are you doing, bro?The Members Only coat on.
[LAUGHING]
g*dd*mn![LAUGHING]
g*dd*mn!
You got to dig way inthe back of your closetfor a coat that old.
It probably came with
an eight-track tape, huh?
And look at the girl
next to him.
All that g*dd*mn hair.
Got a finger weave,a press-n-curl and a perm.
[LAUGHING]
I ain't gonna
f*ck with you, man.
How long you been out?
You don't getno muscles like thatin no health club.
You get muscleslike that trying to keepa m*therf*cker off you.
"I ain't gonnabe no bitch!"
Oh, shit, who isthe brother withthe blonde hair?
Ain't that a bitch?
Like somebody whoopedyour ass with a bottleof peroxide, huh?
g*dd*mn.
You got some
big-ass teeth,
g*dd*mn!
Teeth that big,
your birthday got to
be on Easter, huh?
You go to the dentistfor braces, he put a gatearound your mouth, huh?
You better not evergo down on no womanwith teeth that big.
f*ck around and givesome girl a hysterectomy.
[LAUGHING]
"I can't have no kids!
"You done scratched
my uterus,
you son of a bitch!"
Charlotte, y'all been great.I'ma holler at ya later.
[CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
That's the gangster
of love, right there.
That the one gonna
be onstage tonight.
Cover that up.
It's like the Hope diamond.
The rest of the gear
has gone down
to the pressing.
We'll put it,
it'll come back in.
We'll coordinate
the whole thing.
Shoes, chocolate brown hat.
Hit the stage tonight clean.
[ATTEMPTS WHISTLING]
I can't whistle,
but that's how
clean I'll be.
Maybe next time.
Maybe next movie for you.
Who knows?
This the suit
that didn't make it.
Sorry, buddy.
As the show's going on,
and you know, I'm preparing,
you know,
getting into my zone,
trying to do things.
You know, I go through
a lot of different things.
And it's a...
Just... You know,
it's a metamorphosis.
This is a nice
sanctuary for me.
Kinda get in here
and you work out
and loosen up.
[SINGING IN LATIN]
[CLEARS THROAT]
That was another life.
Backstage is usually
an overrated experience.
♪ We're gonna have
a funky good time
♪ We're gonna have
a funky good time
♪ We're gonna have
a funky good time
♪ Take it, my friends
♪ We gotta take you higher
♪ Uh, ow!
♪ All right
♪ We gotta take you higher
♪ Uh! Yeah!
♪ Yeah, brother
Uh-huh.
Boy, y'all act like
y'all don't know
nothin' 'bout that.
Charlotte, that's old school.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
If you ain't old school,
you don't really know
what's happening.
That ain't sayin' nothin'
against hip-hop.
It's just I'm old school
to my heart.
I ain't convertin' over.
See, you know,
hip-hop don't do...
Hip-hop don't sing
about love no more.
Nope.STEVE: Without love
your ass is lacking
major shit in your life.
Your punk ass
running around
talking about all
the women you got.
If your ass
ain't in love,
your ass done
missed the whole ship.
That's what I love
about old school.
They sang about love.
[APPLAUDING]
Shit, right there.
Hip-hop done lost
they damn mind sometimes.
You know it.
"I'll sh**t you
in your chest.
I'll wet ya."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I don't wanna hear
no shit about me
gettin' shot in the chest,
my g*dd*mn T-shirt wet.
I'd rather have
my T-shirt wet
from making love.
I don't wanna get
shot to get wet.
That's the problem.
They done gave up on love.
The thing about old school,
old school players
work with one mic.
I don't care
how many of them it was,
wasn't but one mic.
Five Temptations, one mic.
I don't give a damn
what they did,
they came back to the mic.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
♪ Shoo-doo
[APPLAUDING]
♪ Shoo-doo
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
♪ Shoo-doo
Shit ain't like
that no more.
Stinkin'-ass rappers
make me sick.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Everybody on the g*dd*mn
stage got a mic.
Forty motherfuckin' people.
All of 'em got a mic.
m*therf*cker, why?
We can't even
understand what one
of your ass is sayin'.
How you done gave
everybody a g*dd*mn mic?
You ever been to
a rap concert?
[SHOUTING GIBBERISH]
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
m*therf*ckers!
[GIBBERISH CONTINUES]
[CHEERING]
Yeah, boy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
[GIBBERISH CONTINUES]
[APPLAUDING]
The hell is you
talkin' about?
What are you talkin' about?
And you know what I really
don't like about a rap show?
You ever been to
a rap concert?
Too many
g*dd*mn instructions.
Everybody got
to do something.
"Everybody pump it up,
pump it up!
"Pump it up, pump it up!
"Everybody stand up,
stand up!
"Put your hands in the air,
wave 'em like you
just don't care!
"Everybody say 'ho'!"
AUDIENCE: Ho!
"Pump it up, pump it up!Ho! Somebody scream!"
[AUDIENCE SCREAMS]
m*therf*cker, for what?
[LAUGHING]
I paid $38.50.
g*dd*mn it, you scream.
[LAUGHING, APPLAUDING]
You ain't gonna work
my ass half to death.
I came here to enjoy the show.
I don't wanna help out.
That's what I don't
like about that shit.
Rap, man.
They done quit
singing about love.
I'm telling you something.
If you don't get
into old school,
you done missed it.
See, I'm a '74 brother...[APPLAUDING]
...to the bottomof my heart.
Glenville High School,Cleveland, Ohio, 1974.
When music was music.
We had songs back then,
as soon as you hear 'em,
your ass just lit up.
See, me, I'm an
Earth Wind & Fire man.
[MUSIC BEGINS]
[CHEERING]
Come on, y'all.
Oh...
You can't tell me
that don't feel good.
♪ Would you mind
♪ If I touched,
if I kissed
If I held you tight
♪ In the morning light, ah
Everybody!
♪ Would you mind
These is lyrics.
g*dd*mn it, sing it!
♪ If I say how I feel
till you leave tonight
♪ Again 'cause I
♪ Never ever
♪ Felt this way
♪ In my heart before
♪ Whoa, whoa, love
♪ Has found a way
♪ In my heart tonight
STEVE: That's music, y'all.
That's real music right there.
[CHEERING]
See, if your assain't feelin' this,
I really don't
give a damn.
If you ain't feelin' it,
then, damn it,
this ain't for you.
We had songs back then,
when you heardthe very beginning,
your ass damn
near blew up.
[DRUMROLL]
[CHEERING, LAUGHING]
Whoa!
♪ One day, child
♪ I won't have to
listen to your lies
♪ Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo
♪ One day I'm gonna
make up my own mind
♪ Shoo, shoo, shoo
STEVE: Come on, y'all.
You ever been with
somebody your ass
wanted to get away from?
[LAUGHING]
This song is for you!
g*dd*mn it,
I wanna be free!
♪ I'm gonna be free again
Yes, I am ♪
If your loving
wasn't so good,
if your smile
wasn't holding my ass,
I swear to God
I'd leave your ass!
But g*dd*mn it,
right now
I got to stay.
But g*dd*mn it,
I wanna be free.
The one I'm gonna
give you now
is one of the strongest
love songs ever sung
to a woman before.
This, this m*therf*cker...
[CHEERING]
...has some feelings
so deep for this woman,
this m*therf*cker cried
through the whole
g*dd*mn record.
[MUSIC STARTS]This one here
is the greatestlove song ever.
[CHEERING]
♪ Girl, you know
I, I, I love you
♪ No matter what you do
You ought to
stand the f*ck up!
Everybody stand up!
If you don't stand,I swear to God, I'll walk...
♪ Every word I say is true
♪ 'Cause I love you
Sing it!
Oh, shit! Sing it!
♪ Baby, I'm thinking of you
♪ Trying to be more
of a man for you
♪ And I don't have much
in return
Boy, this m*therf*cker's
singing this song.
See, that's what songs
used to be about.
You used to tell a woman
how you felt about her.
But the problem now is,
you don't ever tell
your woman how
you feel about her,
but you want her ass
to stay around with you
and hang on to
your sorry,
stinking ass.
But you need to
tell your woman,
"g*dd*mn it, I love you."
[CHEERING]
My God!
Come on, Lenny!
Come on!
♪ I need you
♪ I love you
I didn't heard them,
but did somebody...
[CHUCKLES]
Did somebody throw
they drawers up?
♪ My love
♪ Makes me go strong, girl
♪ It keeps me going on
♪ Oh, baby
♪ I'm wild about you
♪ I'm just so happy about you
You can't tell me
Lenny Williams
didn't mean that shit.
♪ Oh, baby
♪ Oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh
♪ Oh
Yeah!
That's it, y'all.
So let's get it on, y'all.
He hails from
St. Louis, Missouri.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
He is the second host
of BET's ComicView.
He made his national
television debut
on Showtime at the Apollo.
He is the costar
of The Steve Harvey Show.
[WHOOPING]STEVE: He is the 1999
and the year 2000
Image Award winner
for Best Supporting Actor
in a Comedy Series.
He's in the house tonight.
Charlotte, put your
hands together
for my motherfuckin' friend,
Cedric the Entertainer!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHEERING]
CEDRIC: What's up?
Somebody, uh,
somebody said
y'all was
lookin' for me!
Here I come!
♪ Here I come, here I come
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!
What? Say "baby"!
AUDIENCE: Baby!
Say "baby"!
AUDIENCE: Baby!
♪ Dance, here I come
The man right here
♪ The man right here ♪ The man, the man right here
♪ The man, here I come
What's up?
[CHEERING]
I see a lot of
white people
in the house.
They got theirseats all up front.How y'all doin'?
Nice and early.
Y'all charged y'all shit,
didn't you?
White people
can charge tickets.
We got to wait on
our check to get ours.
We ain't putting tickets
on no credit card.
Now that's for big shit.
The credit card for big shit.
You know, they all
up front, too.
They got in
they seats early, too.
They came in early.
They know us.
They know we'll sit
in they damn seats.
That's why they came...
[LAUGHING]
White people get the usher.
They'll tell when somebodyin they damn seats.
That's because they liveby a different creedthan we do in life.
White people hope
things don't go wrong.
They will get the usher,
because they hope
things don't happen.
They have high hopes
and if they were runnin'
a little late tonight,
they were probably thinking,
"Oh, my God.
We're runnin' a little late.
"Oh, my goodness.
I hope no one's
in our chairs."
[LAUGHING]
"Man, I hope
no one's in our seats.
"I don't want any problems."
Brothers, we don't
never get the usher.
We don't need the usher
'cause we don't liveby the hope creed.
Black people got a totallydifferent creed we live by.
It's more confrontational.
It's the wish factor.
Black people don't hope,
we wish.
We wish a m*therf*cker
would be in our chair.
[LAUGHING, CHEERING]
I ain't lyin', my dawg.
Brother come
in here late like,
"n*gga, I wish a m*therf*cker
would be in my damn chair.
"As much I had to
pay for these seats,
"I wish a m*therf*cker
would be in my damn chair.
"No, that's us,
right there, partner.
"Four and five.
Four and five.
Come on out."
[LAUGHING]
CEDRIC:
We confrontational
like that, man.
That's why it ain't
time for a lot of
stuff we ask for.
Talk about we want
a black president.
Come on, now.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
A black president.
Come on, y'all, now.
I mean, you know,
we got Clinton.
That's close.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He got n*gro tendencies.
What up?
He on his way out.
We can't handle
no black president.
I mean...'Cause you know,what's the deficit,
like six trillion dollarsor something, you know.
You know black people,
we don't deal
with debt like that.
That'd be too much pressure
for a black president.
Six trillion dollars, man.
He'd be sitting at
The White House, man,
talking about, "Hey.
"Hey, dawg.
"Hey, man.
"Hey, tell 'em
I ain't got it, man.
"Shit, tell them n*gg*s.Tell 'em.
"Shit, man. Tell 'emI can put something on it.
"I can puta little bit on it.
"Ask them if they'lltake a postdated checkor something.
"See if they'll do that."
Black president, man.We can't handleall that insane stuff.
We couldn't deal withthat Monica Lewinsky.The black people,
we can't be under the eye
of being a president.
We don't have
nobody all in
our business like that.
We couldn't have
been the president
with that Monica Lewinsky
nonsense going on.
Black president won't,
won't do all that
getting fronted on.
You just jump up
and yell our business
all out.
We don't play like that.
Black president would havebeen at a press conferenceyou know, doing his thing.
Reporter wouldhave jumped up.
"Tell us about
Monica Lewinsky."
[LAUGHING, APPLAUDING]
"What?
"Hold on, dawg.
"n*gga, what, you gonna
ask me in front of my wife
and everything, n*gga?
"n*gga, hold my jacket,
dawg. This..."
That's when everybody
start leaving.
"The president
fight too much, eh?
"He always fighting.
That's why I don't
go nowhere with him.
"He just like Anthony Mason.
He always..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[LAUGHS]
Oh, man.
Now, I've been
having a good year.
I was going through
some things.
I done realized too
this year, dawg.
I got a little year older.
Now I'm a grown-ass man.
You ever
realize that, player?
When you realize
you're a grown-ass man,
just can't do
little things no more.
Dawg, you're a grown-ass man.
Dawg, you don't play games
with people, dawg.
You don't play...
You know black people
got all these little
nicknames and stuff.
Y'all hear 'em
on the shout out.
You hear people
calling on the radio,
doing the shout out,talking about,
"I wanna give it up tomy little homie,Little p*stol Starter,
"uh, my little dawgStomachache."
I met this brother
the other day,
brother named Daryl.
He gonna tell me
everybody call him
"Delicious."
Talking about,
"Ced, you can just
call me 'Delicious.'"
[CHUCKLES]
I'm a grown-ass man, dawg.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Ain't nobody callingno other dude "Delicious."
What if that n*gga
way down the street
or something?
"Delicious!
"Yo, yo, D, hold up."
Ain't doing it, man.
It's a trip, dawg.
That's why I don't likelistening to the radio.All these little songs.
Nobody be singingabout nothin' no more, man.
Little dudes just bewhining all day.I like grown people stuff.
I don't like all that,
"Thong, tha-thong,
thong, thong.
Thong, tha-thong."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It's all good.
I like old school
singers, dawg.
You know what I'm saying?
Jeffrey Osborne.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
You know what I'm saying?
Frankie Beverly and Maze.
MAN: Yeah!
You know what
I'm saying? Luther.
Big Luther, though.
Big Luther.
Not Little Luther.
I don't do Little Luther.
I don't do Little Luther.
I like big, "curl ain't
quite right" Luther.
That's the one I like.
That boy made all that money,
and his curl'll never...
[SIGHS]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
His curl never really...
Never curled
all the way over,
you know?
That was just something
that always concerned me.
That was just something
that always concerned me.
I like Teddy P.
Teddy tell you
what he want in a song.
Teddy, they used to
tell you in a song. Teddy...
♪ Turn off the lights
♪ Light a candle
If Teddy think you
ain't listening,
Teddy holler at you.
Turn 'em off!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know, you make sure
that damn light out.
I know that, dawg.
I like that.
I like reggae
music too, though.
I like to listen to
reggae music though, man.
I like reggae music
'cause they,
they songs be
having a cause.
Be an issue going on
in reggae songs.
It don't be no
lightweight stuff.
Come on too, dawg.
They just be rockin'.
[REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING]
Watch out!
Watch me!
You gotta look at 'em.
Look out now.
[LAUGHING]
CEDRIC: Hunger!
Look.
♪ Woke up this morning
I was hungry
Pooh, pah, pooh, pah, pah!
♪ Looked in the cupboard
It was bare
♪ Oh, no, my lord, oh, no
♪ Thought I'd fix myself
A sandwich
♪ Had peanut butter but no jam
♪ No jam, help me now
♪ Peanut butter, no jam
♪ No jam
[APPLAUDING]
Come now!
There's a lot of
little stuff happening
in the news now, man.
People going crazy
out there, man
You know, there was
large groups of white folk
getting k*lled at one time.
Be nine of 'em.
Get shot at work
all together.
You know, when you hear
somebody go on a rampage,
you don't never
really hear no...
You don't never really
hear no news, do you?
No ten, 11 black people
getting k*lled all together,
'cause we run.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
n*gga, we run when
somebody else run.
We don't be asking
no questions
why we running.
We don't know
why we running.
We don't need to know.
We don't need
no run coordinator
to get all the
running organized.
If I'm with you
and you start running,
damn it, I'm gonna
start running.
That's just how it goes.
Once we start running,I'll find out what it waswe was running about.
You know I ain't lyin', dawg.
We be in a group, dawg.
You don't even have
to be paying attention
to take off running.
You be in the middle
of a conversation.
"Yeah, n*gga,
so Keith and them..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Damn, dawg,
you scared me, man.
What the
"hell was we runnin' for?"
Y'all know I ain't lyin'.
Let about three
or four people get up
and start running
right now.
I'll be gone.CEDRIC:
You know I ain't lyin'.
If somebody started
runnin' right now,
it'd be a good seven,
eight of y'all like,
"What the...
"Well, what they runnin'...
"What they...
"Get Lisa and them!
Get Lisa!"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Ooh. Ooh, girl.
They almost got us."
Meanwhile, white people
walk right to the trouble.
"What the heck is going on?
[GRUNTS]
"Oh! Shit! Holy crap!
"Why didn't
anybody tell me?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Oh, my God."
[LAUGHING]CEDRIC: It's a trip, dawg.
People there, though,
we used to have gangs.
They acted like gangs.
They didn't do no drive-by,
sh**ting each other and all.
There's no k*lling.
It was a g*ng, though.
Used to come in the club,
look like a g*ng,
act like a g*ng,
dress like a g*ng,
be a g*ng.
I mean, and they'll comein a club and generally
see somebodythey don't like.
And it'll be on.
Ain't nobody
gonna get hurt
'cause they were
break-dancers.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Do y'all remember
break-dancing?
Break-dancerscome in the club,
see somebodythey don't like,n*gga, it'd be on.
They'd come in a club.
n*gga, they be like...
[UPBEAT DANCE
MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[LAUGHS]
World's gone crazy,
though, dawg, man.
A lot of homeless people.
Everybody begging.
I'm so sick
of people begging.
Including my damn
relatives, man.
I've been working
on a new form
of martial arts
for people that beg,
dawg, man.
Just, you know,to get 'em off of you.
You know what I'm saying?This ain't no stuff...
Anybody can do this.
This ain't hard.
This ain't, like, Chinese.
This ain't "Taekwanese."
This straight up,
"Niggaplease."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[GRUNTS]
When the rose man
come up to you
in the club,
"Niggaplease"!
[GRUNTS]
I get so deep
into it sometimes,
I get into the Matrix
on they ass. n*gga, I be...
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[LAUGHING]
Look, I been tryin'
to play a little golf.
You know,
we stretchin' out,
black people...
We ain't playin'just basketball no more.
We all over the place.
Ever since Tiger Woods
won a couple of years ago,
we out there tryin'
to play, boy.
[APPLAUDING]
I'm out there. There be a lot
of black people
at the golf course now.
I call it
"The post-Tiger Renaissance."
We at the golf course
strong, boy.
We even makin' white people
nervous, 'cause...
we be at the golf
course wrong.
Ah, you know us. We out there
with wave caps on and shit.
n*gg*s is wearin'
Timberlands,
out there barbecuin',
tryin' to borrow people
golf cart to run to the store.
"Come on, n*gga. I'll be back.
"Ain't like it's your cart.
"Damn, n*gga, let me just
run to the store."
I like golf, though, man.
That mean, but, when,
you know,
we play golf, that means
more things gonna open up
for black people in golf.
You gonna have black players,
then you got to have
black golf announcers.
See, that's gonnachange things. You geta black golf announcer,
because we a little moreexcitable about stuff.
We don't really do golf,'cause you gotta be too quiet.
They out there
shushing you...
[SHUSHES]
"Shushing me?
I'm a grown-ass man, dog.
I got to say somethin'.
"Tiger my cousin.
I can say somethin'.
I can say somethin'."
They out there shushin' you.
Golf quiet, but we get
too excited.
Black golf announcers
start out right.
He'll call it
regular at first.
He'll be, "Tiger Woods
is about to win it all.
"The 18th hole...
"If he hits this putt,
it'll take him
"to nine under par
and the win.
"This very short putt
"should break
a little to the left."
[MAKES PUTTING SOUND]
"g*dd*mn, dog![LAUGHING]
"You almost had
that m*therf*cker, man!
"I don't know
what to tell you."
We takin' over, dog.
We doin' all kinds
of sports.
You just seen Serena Williams.
She won the U.S. Open.
Takin' it all, man.
[APPLAUDING]
We gonna be doin'
all their little sports.
We got 'em nervous, boy.
You'll see black people,
next thing you know,
we gonna be downhill skiing.
And we ain't even
gonna need skis.
You know us. We'll be
out there in church shoes.
n*gga just...
[LAUGHING]
[CHEERING]
CEDRIC: Next thing you know,
we gonna be doin' equestrian.
Synchronized swimming.
Water polo.
Hockey.
I don't know about hockey.
I mean, there's a couple
of brothers play hockey.
But I don't know if they
gonna let some real
brothers play hockey.
Like Nuck-Nuck and Pojo, them.
I don't know if they gonna...
Hockey, 'cause
you get to fight.
You know, hockey,
they just let you fight.
Come on, now.
Y'all know there'd bea brother out there skatin'
without a stick,n*gga. Just...
[LAUGHING]
You know what he thinking,
"I wish a m*therf*cker would!"
Whoa, whoa...
[CHEERING, LAUGHING]
You know we can't ice-skate
too damn good, so, you know...
I almost hurt
my whole left side.
[LAUGHING]
[APPLAUDING]
Somebody get mea damn paramedic.
What the hell?
Summertime comin' up.
Last year, I went
to my lil' cousin wedding.
Y'all have beento a ghetto wedding?
You ever seen two ghetto-ass
people that love one another
get together in
holy matrimony?
Scary-ass sight,
ain't it?
Boy, she was comin' down
the aisle, man,
and bridesmaids,
everybody got on, you know,
body suits and shit.
Flower girls comin' down,
ain't got no damn flowers.
n*gga, they... Basket full
of sunflower seeds and shit.
They throwin' them.
People pickin' them up
and eatin' them and shit.
[LAUGHING]
"Cold-ass weddin'
right here, n*gga.
"This a cold-ass weddin'."
[LAUGHING]
She done snuck some Luke Bassmusic up in the wedding.
Oh, she was comin' downthe aisle normally at first,
and they just broke outin the middle of the wedding.
She was comin' down normal.She had a little gown on.She...
[HUMMING HERE
COMES THE BRIDE]
"Hey, girl."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And all of a sudden...
♪ Get on up
And shake the booty
♪ Come on up,
Shake the booty ♪
[BEATBOXES]
All of a sudden
all the bridesmaids
was like,
"Oh, shit! We about to make
a little change up in here."
[LAUGHING]
How many y'all still
smoke cigarettes, man?
Anybody still smoke?
It's hard on you, ain't it?
Hard. You can't even smoke
cigarettes on Earth no more,
can you?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
n*gga, you got to leave Earth
to have a square now, n*gga.
[LAUGHS]
I feel sorry for people
can't smoke,
where, you know,
like where they work.
You gotta go outside
to have a cigarette.
It ain't bad when it's been
kinda nice like it is,
but y'all had a little
winter come through here.
That shit ain't cute
when it cold outside, is it?
You see 'em too. It be like,four or five of 'em together.
n*gga be tryin' to stay warm.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Be so cold, they only get
like two puffs in, then...
How come people who smoke
can't never find
their damn lighter?
[LAUGHING]
[ALL LAUGH]
I like... I like the differentstyles of smokers too, boy.
You ever seen somebodyreal cool smoke?
You know, that player-typebrother be standin' outin front
of the liquor
store all day.
He be talking.
He smoke a cigarette,
it's like a dramatization.
Get the little pack...
[LAUGHS] "I know, n*gga.
I know, n*gga."
"Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[LAUGHS] "All right, n*gga,
I'm gonna let you go.
"n*gga got me right at it."
[LAUGHS]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[BLOWS]
My favorite, though,
is that old black man
that work on everybody car
in that black neighborhood.
You know, you need
a carburetor
fixed or somethin',
you go to him.
He be talkin' to you,
the whole time with his
just hangin' off his lip.
"What you got there now?[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"What you got, a Plymouth?
"n*gga, bring that fucker
around here about 4:00.
"I'll put a carburetor
You need a g*dd*mn carburetor.
on there for you.
"n*gga, I used to work down
at the plant 15 g*dd*mn years.
"n*gga, I'll put the g*dd*mn
carburetor on it for you.
"n*gga, just bring me
a six-pack of beer
or something like that.
"n*gga, well, you know what?
You look like your
g*dd*mn daddy.
"n*gga, you look
like your...
[IMITATES LOUD LAUGH]
"g*dd*mn, boy, you look
just like your..."
[SPEAKS GIBBERISH]
Right, just like that.
CEDRIC: You a lot of them
space movies out.
White people like
space movies.
Black people don't really
do space like that.
White people love
space movies.
They love movies about
the moon and Mars
where they can be leaving
our ass down here on Earth.
That's what they think.
They think they're gonna leave
us down here on Earth.
They're gonna move
to the moon.
Ain't gonna happen.
Y'all move to the moon,
damn it, we comin'
to the moon.
Oh, we'll be right
behind y'all in
space shuttles
with Cadillac grills,
n*gga, just...
Just... Just rollin'.
One headlight out.
Tags be all wrong.
All bass.
[HUMS BASS]
Y'all know we can drive
a space shuttle too.
That's right up
our damn alley.
A space shuttle is long.
Ain't scared of no
black folk.
We can drive a space shuttle.
We grew up driving long cars.
We could drive
a space shuttle
like it's
a '72 Deuce
and a Quarter,
n*gga.
Man, we get us a cigarette.
We get us, we'd be
in a space shuttle, n*gga,
like it's a '72 Deuce.
[MUTTERS]
[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]
[HORN HONKING]
"What's up, n*gga?"
♪ Cutie pie
You're the reason why
♪ I love you so
I don't want you to go
Y'all know the only time
we turn our music down
is when wegotta parallel park.
That's the only timewe gotta concentrate, n*gga.
[VOLUME DECREASES]
♪ Cutie pie
You brighten up my day
Damn.
[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Soon as we get in,we turn our shit back up.
[VOLUME INCREASES]
Yo, Charlotte,
I'm Cedric the Entertainer.
It's time I get outta here.
[AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS]Uh-huh, all love!
[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
♪ You're the girl
Who makes me feel so good ♪
I'm tired of y'all
f*cking with us.
[STEVE LAUGHING]I can't drive.
I can't go
no-f*cking-where.
I go to New York,
I can't get a cab.
What type of shit is this?
You know, I vote.
I still get hassled.
You know,
I been with my wife
for 25 years.
I ain't got
no outside kid.
But do I get...
No, no, f*ck that.
I'm gonna tell y'all.
But do I have
a television show? No!
I'll hold him back.
I ain't got
no television show.
Why? 'Cause
you scared of me.
[HUGHLEY CHUCKLES]Scared I'm gonna
say somethin'.
Yeah, you motherfuckin' right.
[HUGHLEY LAUGHING]
You think I won't
say somethin'? Let me
tell you somethin'.
Y'all been f*cking with me
for a long time,
you know? But I'm back!
Shit, me and Jim Brown would
tear this m*therf*cker up.[ALL LAUGH]
The comments made by
Bernie Mac belong to him
and him himself.
Now, you told me to saywhat I wanted to say.
White folks, I don't mean it.
I'm just playin'.
[ALL LAUGHING]
'Cause I could do,
if you'd give me
a chance, I'll take WB.
I'll take UPN.
I'll take USA.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Gimme a chance to show you.You'd take the Food Channel.
Sure will. TNT. TNT. The Bernie Mac Cooking Show.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Hold on, dog. Hold on.
Hey, dog, where y'all going?
This a movie
we're sh**ting.
We just can't have
the front row empty.
Bring your ass back.
Hey, dog! Hey!
Okay. Okay.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[MOUTHS] Bitch!
MAN: Theykicking them out.
STEVE: Where y'all goin'?
Who y'all know upstairs?
Did they leave their coat?
Is that their coat?
Let me see.
Damn!
That...
Give me the coat.
Gimme the coat.
Gimme the...
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
Lady, get your ass upand give me that coat.
[AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS]
Oh!
Uh-oh, kinda heavy!
Could be some hardware.
[CHUCKLES] Bling, bling.[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
Bet this m*therf*cker
don't know his coat
on the floor.
[LAUGHS]
WOMAN: Steve, you so fine!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING, WHISTLING]
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
So, we gonna take
a real brief intermission.
And when I tell you brief,
y'all, I do mean brief.
So, don't stray far,
because when I come back,
I'm coming right out.
MAN 1: All right,now or never.STEVE: I'm home free now?
MAN 1: You home free now.You home free.
What's the dude's name
that I took his coat from?
Bebe.STEVE: You a damn liar.
[MAN 2 LAUGHING]Boochie?
He wants his jacket back.
So he's ready to go.
What's the guy's name?MAN 2: He's got a funky name.
Booby, Baby Boomer
or something.
I don't know.
So, so, like, you can really
mess with him on that.
STEVE: Okay, well,
he gonna have come down
and get it.
ANNOUNCER:
Welcome back, and please
put your hands together,
ladies and gentlemen,
for your host,
Mr. Steve Harvey!
♪ Is you listenin' to me, girl When I'm settin' you straight ♪
[RAP CONTINUES, INDISTINCT]
STEVE: Hey, oh.
Hey, player. [LAUGHS]
I knew you was gonna
come back.
Left somethin', didn't you?
[LAUGHS]
With your cool ass.
You know, I said,"Sit back down."
"No, no."Yeah, I gotyour coat though.
That's his coat!Oh, the thug's coat. Oh.
They told me backstage
his name Boogie.
All right, Boogie. What you do
for a living, Boogie?
School. Computer school.Computer school.
Mmm.
Boogie, come on now.
Come on.
I asked you what you do
for a living,
and the answer that
popped into your head...
[LAUGHS]
...was computer school.
[LAUGHS]
Let me rephrase
the question.
How do you earn money?
[LAUGHS]Computer technology.
STEVE: Computer
technology. Boogie...
I know we shouldn't say this
to one another
as black people,
but you can't spell
m*therf*cking "technology."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know, good and hell well
your ass ain't into
nothin' technical.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You shouldn't even judgea book by its cover, but...
There's nothin' about you
that says "computer"
or "school."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Now, Boogie,
I got your coat.
How bad do you
want it back, Boogie?
Just don'treally matter?
See, little shit like that,
the coat don't matter,
lets me further know...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...what it isyou really do.
Now, Boogie, I'm gonna get off
of you, 'cause it could lead
to trouble.
'Cause you look like youdone shot four or fivepeople before.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
But you can probably
kick my ass, can't you?
You the man.
You the man.
"You the man"?
I hear you, Boogie.
I know that's right.
'Cause don't think
for one minute,
you can just whoop
my ass, Boogie.
You get that shit
off your mind.
You can forget about the WB
and these g*dd*mn suits.
My ass is from the projects.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You f*ck with me, Boogie,
and my ass will act
project-ish.
I was raised in the church.Y'all can't play with me.
My mama raised me...
How many of y'all had to go
to church all the time?
Clap. Clap if you had to go
to church all the time.
Let me say somethin' now.
Don't clap if you don't
really mean it.
'Cause when I say
all the time,
I mean all the time.
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]Monday night, prayer meeting.
Tuesday, Bible study.Wednesday, missionary meeting.
Thursday, deacon boardmeeting. Friday,young people meeting.
Saturday, old people meeting.Sunday, everybody meeting.
My mama made usgo to church so much.
I used to look at my mamasometimes and just say,"Mama, I'd rather go to hell.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"'Cause this goin' to heavenjust way too much pressure.
"Don't you get no credit
for goin' last week?
"Why we got to go
every night?"
When you go to church
all the time when you a kid,
you don't really care
for church that much.
So what you gotta do is,
you gotta find little things
to like about church
to make you wanna go.
And the thing that I had
to find about church
to make me wanna go,
it might seem
a little strange to you.
But the one thing
that happened in church
that made me wanna
go all the time was
when I found out
that there was people
that cussed at the church.
That might not do it
for y'all, but damn it,
that done it for me.
I wanted to go all the time,
but it surprised me
who I found out cussed.
The person that I found out
cussed at my church
was my mama's best friend,
Sister Odelle.
Sister Odelle was
Senile, but she cussed,
and I didn't know it.
And the day I found out
that she cussed,
we was havin' a bake sale
up at the church.
You know,
for the building fund.
Don't sit there and act
like you ain't familiar
with the building fund
at your church.
There ain't a black church
in America that ain't got
a building fund.
We done had a building fund
at my church since
I was four years old.
Ain't put a doorknob
on the damn church yet!
And we had this bake sale
and Sister Odelle
was standing back there
working the cookies
and stuff with my mama.
And I didn't know that
Sister Odelle didn't like
Deacon Thornton.
And Deacon Thornton was
about three people behind me.
I was standin' there,
and I gave her my quarter
for my cupcake
and Sister Odelle saw DeaconThornton and leaned overto my mama and said...
"Here come this sorry
m*therf*cker here."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know what that do to you
when you nine years old.
When you hear somebody
say something like that?
So after that, I wanted
to go to church all the time.
So I could sit
next to Sister Odelle,
'cause Sister Odelleain't never let me down.
They be passin'
the tray around.
"I don't know how much moneythese motherfuckersthink I got.
"I'm sick of this shit.I got bills inmy motherfuckin' house.
"You keep passin'this son of a bitch by me,
"you gonna f*ck around,come up short."
And the other thing I loveabout Sister Odelle
was when they had
that portion of the service
that they called devotion.
Devotion. This is the part
of service, where you can
stand up and testify
on the goodness of the Lord.
Now, if you don't wanna
testify, you can sing a song.
Now, if you're gonna
sing a song,
the key is
you're 'posed to sing
a song everybody know.
You ain't 'posed to do the oneyou wrote on the way in.
And that was my favorite part,'cause when Sister Odellestood up,
she ain't never wanna
just testify,
she always had a song.
And I used to just
sit up in my chair
'cause I knew Sister Odelle
was gonna give me one.
'Cause Sister Odelle
was old and senile.
All she did was watch TV
and go to church.
She'd get through with church,
she'd go home and watch TV.
Get through watching TV,
she'd go on and go to church.
So, when you old and senile,
you gotta be careful,
you'll know, 'cause all
that'll run together on you.
Sister Odelle
stand up to testify...
"Givin' honor to God,
"pastor,
"everyones, everyones.
"I just came to tell you
just how good my God
has been! Hot damn!
"I wanna tell you just
how good my Lord has been.
"I got a song.
I'm gonna sing it.
"If you know it, feel free."
♪ I'm gonna tell you
♪ How good God's been
[CLAPPING IN RHYTHM]
♪ I'm gonna tell you
♪ How good God's been
♪ The weather
started gettin' rough
♪ The tiny ship was tossed
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
♪ If it wasn't for
the courage of the crew
♪ The Minnow would be lost
♪ I said the Minnow would be lost
♪ I'm talkin' about the Love Boat
♪ Exciting and brand-new
♪ I said the Love Boat
♪ My lord, a new adventure
waitin' for you
♪ Hey, now we're up
in the big league
♪ Got my turn at bat
♪ As long as you've got
you and sweet Jesus
♪ It ain't nothin'
wrong with that
ALL:
♪ I said I'm movin' on up
STEVE: He hails
from the South Sideof Chicago, Illinois.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING,
CHEERING]
He was one of the originalstars of HBO's Def Jam.
He has a reoccurring roleon the hit sitcom,entitled Moesha.
You've seen him in the hitmovie, The Players Club.Bernie! Bernie! Bernie!
Whoo!
STEVE: He is the costar
of the movie entitled Lifewith Eddie Murphyand Martin Lawrence.
Charlotte, put your
g*dd*mn hands together
and show your love
for the one and onlyBernie Mac!
[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]
North Carolina!
[YELLS]
Hey! Oh!
AUDIENCE: [CHANTING]Go, Bernie! Go, Bernie!
Go, Bernie! Go, Bernie!Hey!
Go, Bernie! Go, Bernie!BERNIE: Hey!
Go, Bernie! Go, Bernie!
Go, Bernie!
Here I am, m*therf*ckers!
Here I am!
Yeah!
Told you I'd come!
Didn't I tell you?
Didn't I motherfuckin'
tell you?
Sick of this shit.
What type of shit it is.
White folks in the house,
g*dd*mn.
I see white folks
in the house, I wanna say
first off, welcome.
g*dd*mn it, welcome.[LAUGHING]
When white folks come see you,boy, you successful.You somebody.
North Carolina, shit.
Man, you know, I'm so tired.
I been shakin' hands
all motherfuckin' night.
No, no, I'm gonna
tell you why I'm...
I'm tired.
Black folks shaking hands
with white folks different.
Black folks,
you gotta be in f*cking shape.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Show me some love,
m*therf*cker.
Show me some love."
You be tired
than a m*therf*cker.
Ain't the world bad?
New Year's Eve 2000.
White man tell you
end of the world comin'.
You son of a bitch
went out and bought
water, sardines.
Potted meat, soup.
Man, 11:30 you were scared
like a m*therf*cker,
wasn't you?
You thought you were gonna die
for sure at 12:00, didn't you?
Couldn't believe when
the thing g*dd*mn hit, shit.
Believe in yourself.
I don't believe in shit
until shit happens.
No, no, I can't believe
f*ckin' kids.
Everybody talkin' about kids.
Everybody talkin' about
how bad kids is.
You know it's bad,
but you can't say kids is bad.
I say it for you.
These m*therf*ckers bad.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I will f*ck a kid up.
Don't get mad at me. I'm justsayin' what you can't say.
You feel the samegoddamn way I feel.
Son of a bitch kidstoo g*dd*mn smart for me.
Sassy talkin',
heads shakin' and shit.
"Talk to the hand.
Talk to the hand."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING,
APPLAUDING]
'Cause I'm from the old
school. I'll kick a kid ass.
When a kid get one years old,
I believe you got the right
to hit him in the throat
or the stomach.
If you grown enough
to talk back, you grown enough
to get f*cked-up!
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Don't tell me all this here,
uh...
See, it ain't the kids.
It's us, see.
We some punk-ass parents, see.
See, we the puss-ass
parents today.
We might need to go
back to the old school,
'cause there ain't no grandmas
no more. Ain't that a bitch?
See, ain't no grandma.
Remember Big Mama?
See, Big Mama gone.
See, you a grandmama now,
what you, 24?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Great grandmama, 36.
Talkin' about,"I ain't baby-sittin' shit!"
She got her hair done,nails done.f*cked-up ass hairdo.
I'm so sick of these
motherfuckin' hairdos
with the glue on them
that don't move and shit.
I'm so tired of that shit.
You know I ain't lyin'!
Man, and you know what?
Black women is different
than white women, see.
White women go swimming.Black women ain't gettin'in no f*ckin' water.
"This shit gotta last."
You know, black women,
that shit don't last
one motherfuckin' week.
A hairdo... When black women
get their hair and nails done,
you ain't gettin' no p*ssy.
Don't ask for none.
They don't even want no sleep.
They'll sleep
just like this here.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And if you do get it, youbetter not f*ck with her hair.
[LAUGHS]"Don't touch my hair!"
You know I ain't lyin'!You f*ck witha black woman's hair,
she'll kick your g*dd*mn ass.
Man, black women...Blacks don't mess around.
We different
from night and day.
We the same,
but we do shit different.
Black people the only people
go to work, tell the boss what
the f*ck we ain't gonna do.
"I'm not doin' shit.
"Don't f*ck with me today.
I ain't come here to work.
"I'm tired. My son got shot.I'm sick of this shit."
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
You know I ain't lyin'!
We funny.
But I like white people. It's
not about black and white.
You know, but they do
shit different.
When they go on break
on the job, 15 minutes.
They go to their desk.
They eat their
cheese sandwich...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...drink their g*dd*mn tea.
Fifteen minutes,
they back on the f*cking job.
My people, I don't know
what the f*ck is
wrong with us.
I don't know
what's wrong with us.
When we go on break,
that's just what the f*ck
we do.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We break. You got to look
for our motherfuckin' ass.
"You seen Johnny?"
Yeah.
I'm tired. You can't keep
doin' the same thing.
Ain't your body changed?
I'm 42, but I'm in good shape.
But I'm tired. My body weary.
I can't... You know.
I'm sick of sex. Why we be...
I'm sick of f*cking.
No, I ain't gonna bullshit.
I can't do it like I used to.
I used to be good. I ain't
good like that no more.
My shit is quick, fast.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My wife gonna tell me,"I'm gonna get a young man.""Go get the m*therf*cker.
"I don't give a f*ck.Go get him,
"and I'll watch, I'll watch,
I swear I'll watch."
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
BERNIE:It gonna k*ll me, man.
It don't take all night.To f*ck all night,45 minutes.
Why we f*cking for 45 minutes?
What the fuckam I trying to prove here?
It don't take no all nightto get no orgasm.
Three minutes!
That's all I'm givin' you.That's all the f*ck I got.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Oh, I don't care about youtalking about me.
"Bernie Mac can't f*ck."Hey, I don't give a f*ck!
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Shit, but I got mine!
You better get yours.
If you don't bust a nut
when I get mine,
you fresh out of f*ckin' luck
with me.
Talk about me
all the f*ck you want!
I'm tell it like it is!
Three minutes!
That's a heavyweight
one-round bout.
And people done got
knocked out in
the first g*dd*mn round.
You layin' there,
I'm pumpin' my ass off.
[SQUEALS]
"Stop all that hollerin'and bust a nutso we can go to sleep.
"What the fuckyou hollerin' for?"
[SQUEALS]
"Bust a nut!"
You know I ain't bullshittin'!
You know I ain't... I'm tired!
I'm 42 years old!
Talking about coochie.
f*ck coochie!
Oral sex!
I'm sick of all that shit!
"Come on,
do somethin' special."
"Bust your motherfuckin' head.
That's what the f*ck I'll do."
"Put your mouth on me."
"For what,
you nasty somomabitch?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING,
APPLAUDING]
"You ain't gonna put
your mouth on me?"
"I ask you to put
your mouth on me, you get
a g*dd*mn attitude."
If I want oral sex,
I gotta give clues.
I gotta give hints.
"Come here and put your head
right here for minute,
you know."
Then here come attitude.
"What you tryin' to say?
"I know you ain't askin' me
to suck your d*ck, is you?
"You better get your mama
to suck your d*ck."
Selfish somomabitch.
I like it, too!
Then when they doin' it,
they try to do the shit wrong
so you can tell 'em to stop.
When they finally do it,they play like they don't know
what they doin'.Real f*cked up.
So you can say,"Oh, that's all right."
I don't saythat's all right. No.
I let 'em keep goin',
'cause they gotta learn.
They gotta learn.
People gotta learn.
This is funny! It's funny!
'Cause when they do do it,
you know, we all grown.
We're all grown here.
You ever see when you do
get special attention?
I had a woman one time...
Long time ago, long time ago.
Long, long time ago.
She would give me
special attention,
but she was lookin'
dead at me, you know.
"What the f*ck
you lookin' at me for?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know, I don't know
what to say to her.
What the f*ck is up.
What, "You doin' a good job"?"Keep up the good work"?
You know I ain't lyin'.
It's true!
See, I say once again
what you scared to say.
When I talked about the kids,
you know it ain't no
bad thing.
Don't sometimes you wanna say,
"You ugly somomabitch"?
But it's not right, it's not
appropriate to say, "You
stupid m*therf*cker, you."
The little kids, you be sayin'
when your relatives, your
nieces and nephews come over,
you be like, "My sister
ain't doin' a g*dd*mn thing
with this kid."
See, that's why I'm gonnaopen up a day care center.
When I retire from comedy,
I'm opening it to prove to you
that I'm trustworthy.
I will f*ck your kid up.
You ain't got to fill out
no application.
The first three months free.
You don't need no hidden
videos around the house to see
what the f*ck is goings on.
'Cause when you come
to pick your kid up,
I'm gonna look you in the eye
and tell you
what the f*ck is goings on.
When you come to pick
your kid up and he got a knot
on the corner of his head,
and you say,
"What happened to my son?"
I'm gonna tell you.
"I took a hammer and slapped
the f*ck out of him!"
Jumpin' on my g*dd*mn couch.
"Sit your punk-ass down!"
No! No, talk!
North Carolina,
I'm gonna tell you,
it's stuff you gotta pray for.
See, it ain't, it ain't,
it ain't what you say.
It's how you say it.
It's jokes, it's fun,
but it's also the truth.
In the back of your mind,
you be wantin' to say
this shit sometimes.
See, I'm gonna
tell you somethin'.
My daughter 22 years old.
She's away from home
for five years.
Ain't nobody been in the house
but me and my wife.
Twenty-five years married.
Beautiful thing.
I ain't sayin' it
for no applause.
I'm tryin' to tell
you a story.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Me and my wife been in thehouse walkin' around naked,eating and everything.
Shit get broke, I knowwho the f*ck did it, you know?
Now I got three new people
in my damn house.
I got my sis. See, we family.
North Carolina, we family,
I'm gonna talk to you.
We family. I got my sister's
children living with me now.
I'm about to go crazy
like a m*therf*cker
around here, you know?
See, my sister on dr*gs.
I ain't ashamed to tell you.
Some of your family membersfucked up too around here.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I ain't ashamed to tell you.
But my brother called me,North Carolina.My brother said...
He said, "Mac,you gotta come home, man.
"The court gonna separatethe kids."
I said, "No, you know.I can't have that.
"I can't have that."I said, "I'm gonna be there."
Now, mind y'all,
North Carolina, I know 'em,
but I don'tknow 'em.
You know, what I'm talking
about. I know the kids,
but I don't know these
m*therf*ckers, you know?
Two, four and six.
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
"Ooh," shit. Come help mebaby-sit these m*therf*ckers.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
I get there. I'm in court.
The judge said, "Mac family."
I stood up. I said,
"Yes, Your Honor,
I'm part of the Mac family."
He said, "We're gonna
separate the kids."
I said, "Your Honor,
you mean separate
like divide?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He said, "Very good,
Mr. Mac, very good."
I said, "You know what?"
I said, "I can't allow that."
I said, "My brother and I,
we're gonna split custody."
That m*therf*cker
turned his back on me.
Like, he didn't say shit.
Yeah, punk somomabitch,
see, Cain k*lled Abel.
You know what I mean?
I said, "Your Honor, I'm gonna
take the kids for six months
"and my brother gonna take
the kids for six months."
This punk somomabitch get up
and walked the f*ck out.
I ain't seen him since.
If I ever see him,
I'm f*cking him up on sight.
I'm gonna bust his head
to the white meat,
I swear 'fore the Lord.
Y'all gonna read about it.
Whenever I see
this m*therf*cker,
gonna be a misunderstanding!
There's gonna be
some furniture moving
around this m*therf*cker.
[LAUGHS]
I said, "Your Honor,
I'll take the kids."
Now I got these
three somomabitch.
Excuse my French.
That's what
I wanna say, you know?
These m*therf*ckers
get on my g*dd*mn nerves.
Y'all gotta pray for me.
And that 2-year-old,
she the m*therf*cker!
She the ringleader!
Bitch never been here before.
She a shepherd for the devil.
She work for the devil.
And the 4-year-old,
my sister must've really
gotten high with her,
'cause she don't talk.
She don't say shit.
All she do is look at your ass
like this here...
I told her ass the other day,
"Let me tell you somethin'.
"If a fire break out,
you better have a whistle
or a horn or somethin'.
"'Cause you're gonna be
a burned-up m*therf*cker
f*ckin' with me."
I ain't got time
for no deaf mute.
Talk! Holler!
I tell it like it is.
Then the 6-year-old,
he a h*m*.
No, I don't need no 6-year-old
walkin' all like this here.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Cryin' all the g*dd*mn time.
"Quit cryin'! Do some
push-ups or somethin'!"
I came to the house
the other day, man,
at 1:30 in the morning.
The 2-year-old gonna send
the f*gg*t downstairs
for some milk and cookies.
I'm goin' upstairs,
he comin' down.
He gonna walk past me
like I'm a visitor.
I said, "Where you going?"
He said, "To get some milk
and cookies."
He said it so funny,
I wanted to hear it again.
I said, "Get some what?"
[IN CAMPY ACCENT] He said,"Some milk and cookies."
[LAUGHING]
BERNIE: [IN NORMAL VOICE]
I love the m*therf*cker,
but he's a f*gg*t, you know?
I told him, I said,
"Man, it's too g*dd*mn late
"for some damn cookies
and milk, man.
"Take your punk ass upstairs
and get some rest."
That's how I talk to him.
f*ck that time-out shit!
I ain't got time
for these bad-ass kids.
These kids'll k*ll you.
They ain't gonna k*ll me.
I'm gonna k*ll them.
I can see y'all reading
Jetand Ebonyright now.
I hear you talkin'.
"It's a shame how Bernie
f*cked up those damn kids."
I can't get no rest.
They walk around the house
in the morning.
Got their finger
under my nose,
seein' if I'm breathin',
all that kind of shit.
Bad-ass somomabitches.
Rocking all the g*dd*mn time!
I ain't no psychologist!
Then the son of a bitchgonna go upstairs.
The 2-year-old,
I hear the 2-year-old say,
"Where the cookies and shit?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He gonna tell her,
"Him downstairs."
Who the f*ck is "him"?
Like I ain't got no name
or somethin'.
"Him downstairs."
The 2-year-old say,
"Well, I'll go get
the shit myself."
She gonna walk her littlebowlegged ass downstairs.
I'm standin' in the corner.I watch her get a stepladder.
She gonna go on overto the refrigerator.
I said,
"What the f*ck you doin'?"
She looked at me.
"I'm gonna get some milk
and cookies."
I said, "Didn't I tell
your punk-ass boy
"he couldn't have
no g*dd*mn cookies?
"Were you listenin'
when I tell the f*gg*t
he couldn't have none?
"Now I'm tellin'
your short ass
"you can't have no g*dd*mn
milk and cookies!
"Get your punk ass upstairs
before you get f*cked-up
around here!"
Oh, she gonna look at me
like I'm short, you know.
Oh, North Carolina...
Everybody in this roomknow what that look mean.
That look meanyou wanna do somethin' to me.
So I backed up
and I told her, "Bust a move."
"Bust a motherfuckin' move!"
Gone and made the kid mad!
See, 'cause back in the day,Big Mama.
Big Mama was
that old m*therf*cker
with that old flower dress onand those swollen-ass ankles.
And she had a wig on,
be cocked to the side.
And she slid her feet
when she walked and shit.
And she hummed. [HUMMING]
That's what I miss.
Big Mama.
You know you got
your ass whooped
so you couldn't even talk
when Big Mama was talkin'
to the grown folk.
Remember that?
When Big Mamawas talkin' to somebody,
you had to shut whatthey called "the f*ck up."
If Big Mama was talkin'
to somebody, she'd say,
"Girl, you know,
I went to the store.
"I got two tomatoes,
"Some taters, some lettuce..."
"No, you didn't,
Big Mama. You got..."
"Like I said, when I got
the m*therf*cker..."
She used to knock the pause
in your motherfuckin' ass.
You know you hurt
when you cry and you pause.
You ever had a pause?
When a m*therf*cker
hits you in your throat,
make your teeth click.
And you bite the back
of your tongue. You can't cry.
[BRIEF CRY]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[IMITATES CRYING]
When you cry like that,
man, your soul is f*cked-up.
You hurt!
My Big Mama
used to come to school.
She never would tell you
when she was gonna come.
Just pop the f*ck up.
And all of a sudden,
somebody'd walk in the door
and everybody be whispering,
"Who mama that?
Who mama that is,
who mama that is?"
You could always tell
who mama it was,
'cause they be playin'
like they doin' some work.
"Oh, that's your
motherfuckin' mama there."
And they used to slap the shit
outta you in the street.
Remember how you used to get
a whoopin' in the street?
Now people get all
in your business.
"Don't do that.
"Don't say that."
They got leashesat the airport.
I see motherfuckerswith a leash on their kid.
"Come here. Come here.
"You're going too far."
I wish I would put a chain
on my g*dd*mn kid.
"Stay there. Don't move.
"Don't move, m*therf*cker."
[APPLAUDING]
"You shouldn't do that."
"Shut the f*ck up."
People getin your g*dd*mn business.
Always wanna tell you
what you can and cannot do.
"Don't say this."
f*ck you. Don't you tell me
what the f*ck to do.
I'll kick my kid's ass.
I'll beat him in his sleep.
Put some Kool-Aidon their eyes and lips
so they can't hollerand can't see.
Take them out in the cornerand wear their ass out.
That's how you do the shit.
'Cause everybody in this roomgot disciplined.
Every man in this room,we sit here,we laugh and joke.
This is cool. But we scaredof a woman for some reason.
I ain't talkin'about scared like a punk.
'Cause look at them women.I asked you to clap.
'Cause y'all some noseysomomabitches, too.
See, women like to be
your mama, your daddy,
your uncle,
your accountant, your pastor.
They wanna tell you
what to do, when to come,
where you're goin'.
"Who you talkin' to?
"Who over there?
"Sit down here.
"Don't park the car there.
"Slow down.
"Light red.
"Stop.
"Look out.
"Taste this."
Shut the f*ck up.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
When you family,
when you love,
a lot of things
come along with that.
That's what I try
to tell my aunt.
So I got a auntie.Everybody got somebody
in the familythat ain't properly right.
Everybody got somebodyin their family
that don't do rightby everybody.
I got my auntie.Man, she treat the kidslike shit, you know?
You know, she's real uppity.
She sure she wanna be herself.
You know, she treat her kids
like they up here,
but she treat everybody else
like they f*ckin' down here.
That's what I don't like
about her. You know.
She treat her kids
like they special.
She got my little nephew.
She got the school bus
pickin' this m*therf*cker up,
and the school
directly across the street.
He's four,
but he stutter real bad.
He's kinda slow.
He stutter real...
One of those... [STUTTERING]
He one of them type
of m*therf*ckers, you know?
You know, he...
I told her to go take that
m*therf*cker to get looked at.
She won't ever do it.
She'll won't see
nothing wrong with him.
He on the corner
waitin' on the school bus.
The school bus pull up,
open the door.
He walks up, asks a question.
[STAMMERING]
Bus driver close the doorand drove the f*ck off.
Next day, same corner.
Brother on the corner.Bus driver pulled up,opened the door.
He did it again! [STAMMERING]
Bus driver close the door
and drove the f*ck off.
He ain't got time
for this shit here.
Oh, he mad now.
He go home and tell my auntie.
My auntie,
"Ain't this a bitch?
"This shit is wrong.
"I'm goin' to school
with you in the morning,
"and I wish that bus driver
will drive off
"and I bet it's gonna be
some smoke in the city."
Oh, she took my little nephew,put him on the corner.
She went in
the bushes and hid.
School bus pulled up on time,
same corner, opened the door.
He did it again.
[STAMMERING]
Bus driver did like this...
Closed the door.
My auntie jumped out.
"Hold on,
"black somomabitch!
"What's your damn problem?
"Deny my son his edimication!"
Bus driver jumped off
the bus and said, "He..."
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
[STAMMERING]
"He was teasing me."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING]
[APPLAUDING]
It's all love, baby.
So you know what,
North Carolina?
If we stand up here
and we laugh and joke,
everybody say,
"You shouldn't say this.
You shouldn't say that."
See, fun is fun.
Jokes is jokes.
Ain't nobody...
This is an expression.
We talk this language.
We talk this every day.
You hear it, you know it.
It ain't nothin'
to be ashamed of.
See, when everybody say,
"You talk this way.
"You talk this way.
You talk that way."
I had a white guy tell me,
he said, "Bern,
"why do black people
always use
the word 'm*therf*cker'?"
Well, I'm gonna break down
what the word "m*therf*cker"
actually means.
"m*therf*cker" is something
that black folks have been
using for years.
It's about expression.
Don't be ashamed
of the word "m*therf*cker,"
'cause the word
"m*therf*cker" is a noun.
It describes a person,
place or thing.
[LAUGHS]
You know, when you hear
about us black folk, we loud.
That's our defense mechanism.
We loud. We talk aggressive,
you know?
[IMITATES AGGRESSIVE TALK]
"You know, we ain't gonna do
nothin' to you. We ain't gonna
do nothin' to you."
We'll tell you in a minute,
"I'll blow this
m*therf*cker up," you know?
You ain't never knowna black terroristin a day of your life.
You ain't never knowna black man to blow upa g*dd*mn thing.
First of all, where yougonna buy the dynamite from,and from who?
The first time you tryand buy some dynamite,
he goin' to jail
like a m*therf*cker.
It's just expression.
I had a guy, man...
White people,
when you see my people,
you see 'em in
the social places.
You see 'em in the mall.
You see 'em in
the bowling alley.
You might see three
or four brothers together.
You might hear the word
"m*therf*cker" 32 times.
And you might hear just
two regular English words.
But the conversation makes
sense like a m*therf*cker.
Everybody can understand it.
Don't be afraid
of the word "m*therf*cker."
I'm gonna
break it down to you.
If you out there
this afternoon
and you see about three
or four brothers talkin',
you might hear a conversation,
and it go like this.
"You seen that
motherfuckin' Bobby?
"That m*therf*cker owe me
"He told me he gonna pay
my motherfuckin' money
last motherfuckin' week.
"I ain't seen
this m*therf*cker yet.
"I'm not gonna chase
this m*therf*cker for my
"I called the m*therf*cker
four motherfuckin' times,
"but the m*therf*cker
won't call me back.
"I called his mama
the other motherfuckin' day.
"She gonna play like
the m*therf*cker weren't in.
"I started to cuss
her motherfuckin' ass out,
"but I didn't want
no motherfuckin' trouble.
"But I'll tell you
one motherfuckin' thing.
"The next motherfuckin' time
I see this m*therf*cker,
"and he ain't got
my motherfuckin' money,
"I'm gonna bust
his motherfuckin' head!"
And I'm out this m*therf*cker.
[APPLAUDING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
I'm Cedric the Entertainer,
and I play
much like Avery Johnson.
And I love the game
of basketball.
And when I pass it
to my teammates,
the Twin Towers here,
who would be Tim Duncan
and David Robinson
"The Admiral".
I gotta go with Phil Jackson.Phil.
You know, 'cause Phil, man,
he's a philosopher, man.
Yeah. Motivato...
Motivator. He'll teach ya.
Here's Phil Jackson, you know,
[IMITATES PHIL] "Scotty!"[LAUGHS]
[WHISTLES]
[ALL LAUGHING]
And that's rare, too.A white man with a high ass.That's rare.
The player that epitomizes meis old Kareem.He don't do nothin'.
And you know what?
No matter how much skill,
nobody got to find
a way to win.
He's Phil Jackson.
"Scotty!"Just like Kareem.
Keep comin'"Scotty! Scotty!"
STEVE: I think the playerin the league now
that best describes my comedy
is Gary Payton
of the Seattle Sonics.
What's up brother?STEVE: The Glove!
He d'd up. He got offense.He's well-respected.
He talk a lot of trash.He talk a lot of shit.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
And, man, neither one of usis that attractive.
Then probably, my other
player would be Sprewell.
'Cause sometime my comedy
just chokes shit outta you.
[LAUGHS]
I'll choke the shit outta you.Y'all know me.
Look at my eyes. I'm crazy.[ALL LAUGHING]
I might come off nice,
and I might seem
like a good guy.
I'm wild.
♪ I'll make a pit stop
Hit your hot spot
♪ Back seat drop top
'Till your drawers drop
♪ Trouble with cops
Rooftop will be
our next spot
♪ Non-stop going hard
Just like a sweat shop
♪ I got a girl with a kid
But I'm leavin' town
Man, it's over.
All this time. Two years.
And then you walk.
And you don't know
how you feel until
you get to this point.
♪ I got chicks in LA
just to rub me down
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
♪ I got ladies
on the low hid in Chinatown
♪ Even got worldwide chicks
hittin' me on my cell
How do I feel?
I don't even know.
♪ Tell me what you want What you want, what you need
♪ What you want,
what you need ♪ Tell it, baby
This is the last walk.
The last time.
Sweet!
♪ What you want,
what you need
♪ Tell me, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ What you want,
what you need
♪ What you want ♪ Your little bit of lovin'
is good for me
♪ Ooh, baby ♪ Na, na, na, na
Hey, Charlotte,
we love y'all. Good night.
Y'all stay black. Peace.
♪ Na, na, na, na
♪ I'm gonna get it, girl
♪ Your little bit of lovin'
is good for me
♪ Just gonna go bye-bye
When I'm settled in
♪ No more living
like this again
♪ So when the clock
strikes ten tonight
♪ I'll be ditching
I'll be heading out
♪ No doubt, my arms
is where you need to be
♪ So grab your things
You're comin' home with me
♪ On top and moaning
while you're boning me
♪ I'll curl your toes And then you're off to sleep
♪ A little bit of dollar
is good for me ♪ Sleep
♪ What you want, what you need What you want, what you need
♪ Sleep ♪ What you want,
what you need
♪ What you want,
what you need ♪
♪ Sleep ♪ What you want,
what you need
♪ What you want,
what you need
♪ Sleep ♪ What you want,
what you need
♪ What you want
♪ A little bit of dollar
Is good for me
[VOCALIZING]
♪ A little bit of dollar
is good for me ♪
Original Kings of Comedy, The (2000)
Moderator: Maskath3