06x05 - All That and a Bag of Chips

[bunniefuu]

Hey, guys. Guess what?

This is where you're supposed to say "What?"

Got a new email account. Wanna know why?

Spam, got all spammed up.

Anyway, I picked a pretty clever password for it. Wanna guess?

Hm?

It's pretty clever.

Is your password "password"?

Hm?

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

What's this muffin, again?

Low fat blueberry.

I'll take the banana nut.

Oh, wait. Is that gluten free?

No, it's included in the price.

Yes.

I'll take that one.

[ringing] Hello?

Did you get my muffin? I'm getting it now.

Make sure it's gluten free. I don't have time to cut keys.

What?

You're breaking up. I'm going outside.

Gay pride?

It's gluten free.

Yes, I'm sure. I asked her.

Karen,

you walked out without paying for your muffin.

Oh, sorry. Uh--

Hey, it's a muffin-stealing cop.

Who said that?

I said it.

What's goin' on? Karen stole a muffin.

Oh! I did not.

It's no big deal.

I stopped her before she got away.

Got away?

I just forgot.

Right. I just forgot to pay my taxes.

What did ya do that for?

Look, I am paying for the muffin now.,

It's no big deal. It could happen to anybody.

Has it?

No.

Just so ya know, I, uh, changed my password, for no reason.

Not because ya guessed the, uh, first one,

'cause ya didn't.

Then why'd you change it?

I, uh...

none of your business.

The point is, you'll never cr*ck this one.

Not that ya cracked the last one,

which ya didn't.

[happy chime]

Got it. I'm in.

What's his new password? "Not password."

See, the trick is, is to think like Hank,

get inside his head.

[echoes] Hello?

Hellooooo?

Wow. It is roomy in there.

Hey, did you guys just see that tumbleweed roll by?

Who's that for?

Oscar, I don't want to shock you, but you have a son.

How could I forget? He's always over here mooching.

Drinkin' our drinks, foodin' our food.

Foodin'?

Eatin' our eats. He's a no good freeloader.

There's good freeloaders?

Who's a freeloader?

Hey, free meatloaf. I'll have a load a that.

Hi, Mother. Nice to see you.

Is Grandma here?

Pass the gravy.

[whispering] Freeloader.

Harmless looking, isn't it?

I didn't steal it.

Exactly. That's what you tell the press.

We don't make a big deal

because it isn't a big deal.

It's just a muffin. So now I'm gonna enjoy it.

I can't do it.

Smells like scandal.

Fine. I'll eat it, then.

Sorry. It might be evidence.

I saw Jughead do this once and I thought it was brilliant.

The next time you come over,

it might be nice if you brought something.

I will.

I'm bringin' my laundry. It's really been pilin' up.

Anyway, I gotta go. I'll be back later.

And just as a hint, I'm in the mood for somethin' cheesy.

Freeloader.

Hank, got your email.

Thanks for letting me know you're a moron.

Oh, I forwarded it on, like you asked.

What?

Oh, got your moron email, Hank.

I always suspected you were a moron,

but it's good to know.

It's also good to know that you think Wanda's a foxy genius.

I think I'd remember sendin' an email about me bein' a moron.

But who'd send an email about Wanda bein' a foxy genius?

Well, it seems pretty obvious.

Oh, I agree, it's totally obvious.

But just as a timesaver, could ya tell me?

Oh, look, can you hide those muffins?

I don't want it to freak Karen out.

She's a little rattled from earlier.

You know, the muffin thing?

What muffin thing?

That's really nice a ya, Lacey.

But the whole town's talkin' about it.

And then I said, "We all pay for muffins, Karen.

Just 'cause you're a cop, you're not above the law."

Just walked out with a muffin in her hand,

embarrassing the whole police department.

So the quicker this dies, the better.

Hey, Karen. Listen, don't worry about the whole muffin thing.

Actually, I'd forgotten about it.

But thanks for bringin' it up.

Bring up what?

Oh, the muffin she took.

Oh, right. Karen's a muffin-stealin' cop.

Everybody, watch your pastries.

Geez, Lacey, what is your problem?

What did I just say not to do?

You sent phoney emails from my account.

How could I?

Your password's far too clever to figure out.

Well, it is this time. I changed it.

[laughs]

Well, this'll take about four seconds.

You probably changed your password to "change your password."

[laughs]

[typing]

[sad chime]

Hm, okay.

How about "not old password"?

[typing]

[sad chime]

Ah!

Getting a little tricky there, are ya?

Okay, well, let me think.

[typing]

[sad chime]

[grunts]

Now who's the foxy moron?

Genius.

Lookin' forward to havin' lasagne for dinner tonight.

I'm not making lasagne.

Macaroni and cheese?

No.

Cheese and macaroni?

'Member I said somethin' cheesy?

Maybe I shoulda rubbed my hands together when I said that.

I'm not making anything.

We're comin' over to your place.

[laughs]

This is a terrible idea.

And I want real cooked meal, nothing microwaved.

Or out of a box.

Or takeout.

Or squeezed from a tube.

So potluck, then?

We'll see you at six.

And here's a hint.

We're in the mood for something...

cheesy.

are doing it now.

So, this has nothing to do with the muffin run?

No. But that's a good example of why it's happening.

Hm.

Well, did you make Lacey pay first?

No, it's a new policy. You're our first customer.

Of course I am.

Hey, Karen.

It really is an unfortunate coincidence.

Well, the closest thing I've come to cookin' is toast.

Hm. So what are ya gonna make 'em for dinner?

Uh, I'm not sure.

Either braised duck with a lemon-herb risotto

or a bowl of Captain Crunch.

Haven't decided.

[sad chime] Dammit!

[chuckles] Okay, I'll give ya a hint.

Stuff your hint.

I can figure it out without your stupid hint.

[sad chime] Okay, gimme a hint.

But just the first letter.

All right, here we go. I...

am never gonna give Wanda my password.

See what I did there?

I... liked that.

U... are kind to say.

B... aware that I will D... stroy you.

We'll... Okay that doesn't work.

I hate to say it, Wanda, but I think Hank has bested ya.

Actually, I didn't mind saying it, Hank has bested ya.

Hank has bested ya. It's kinda fun.

I have not been bested.

Just need to think even more like Hank.

[echoes] Do you know Hank's password?

No.

Have you seen a robot around? We're supposed to fight.

Who do ya think would win in a fight

between a werewolf and a Wanda?

Karen, I'm sorry about what happened,

muffin-wise.

Can you have one conversation that doesn't have the word muffin in it?

I am just trying to apologize.

Look, I made you an apology muffin.

Here, take it.

I don't care, you don't have to pay for it.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Karen didn't pay for that muffin.

This one's a gift.

You don't have to cover for her. She's got problems.

My only problem is Lacey.

I didn't even want the muffin. It was for Davis.

Wow.

You really set her off.

What am I gonna do?

I'm surprised the whole thing hasn't gone away.

I've done my bit. I kept her name outta the paper.

What if I arrest you for not paying a parking ticket

or something, and then Karen can jump in,

accuse you of breakin' the law too.

Ticket cancels muffin, even Steven, scissors beats rock.

Actually, rock beats scissors.

You wanna solve the problem or just poke holes in my solutions?

Oh, hi there.

Oh, hi. Don't worry, guys, it won't be long here.

I thought I'd try Mom's lasagne recipe.

Yeah, yeah. Call me when it's ready.

Why's the blender out?

To blend the cheese. D'oy.

I thought you made this a million times before.

I have. But I never used the blender.

Have you preheated the oven?

I haven't even broiled the noodles yet.

You don't broil the noodles, you boil the noodles.

I was off by one letter.

You have to fill a pot with water.

Dinner smells great.

Thanks.

What is it, taco? No.

Ketchup?

No.

Napkin?

Yes.

[sad chime]

You lying sack of--

It wasn't napkin.

I thought you were offering me a napkin.

Mm-mmm.

Brent, this is delicious.

Thank you.

Well, that's because I cooked it.

I'm not saying you didn't help. It was your recipe.

But, man alive, for my first meal, I knocked this baby outta the park.

I knocked it outta the park. I cooked it.

You're a piece a work.

The boy finally has us over for dinner,

cooks us a delicious meal, and you want to steal his thunder.

Unbelievable.

None needed.

You cooked it perfectly.

Hey, Lacey?

Yes, Davis?

You forgot to pay a ticket.

Oh, right.

I forgot to pay for a ticket.

How embarrassing.

A ticket for public indecency.

Now we're gettin' somewhere.

No, no, I-I think you mean a parking ticket.

No.

You flashed Old Man Caruthers.

You flashed me?

Oh, I wish I could remember that.

That is just sad.

What are you doing? Just roll with it.

No, I will not just roll with it.

Did she flash someone or not? No!

Everyone in town has an unpaid parking ticket, it's no big deal.

Who, here, owes a parking ticket?

Who, here, flashed Old Man Caruthers?

Lacey, hand up.

Look it, we agreed on a parking ticket,

so that everybody would forget about Karen and the muffin.

What?

That's right. You stole a muffin.

Way to go, Lacey.

Did you ever flash me?

We had a great time at Brent's dinner party the other night.

I heard it was pretty good.

Brent did.

He said the meal he cooked was delicious.

I cooked it.

Brent said you would say that.

Oh, really?

What else did he say?

Well, that you were kind of an ungrateful guest.

OSCAR: Yeah, you were kind of ungrateful.

I, on the other hand, was a delight.

Don't think you're gonna come to our place for a meal anytime soon.

That's an odd thank you for what some people are calling the dinner party of the year.

I cooked it! That's not what I heard.

Hey, cracked my password yet?

No.

Boy, you are lovin' this, aren't ya?

Yeah.

I was until I forgot my password.

Please say you're joking.

I'm joking.

You're not joking. No.

I'll give ya a second head start.

Thanks.

!

Pass the pepper.

Pass the salt again.

Is there a problem with dinner?

No offence.

It's just that this is bland, with a capital Blaahh.

It's a good thing you said no offence, or I'd be really angry.

It's just that we had such a good meal at Brent's.

It's hard to come back to this same old, same old.

Well, if you had such a great meal at Brent's,

why don't you take your cranky old ass over there to eat?

No offence.

Did you get it yet? No.

It's not easy thinkin' like you.

Hey, I know.

Since you're thinkin' like me, I'll think like, um--

Like me?

Nah, I'll think like me too.

[echoes] Oh, cool.

That's what it's like in here.

How is this helping?

All right, Blondie,

you and me, right now.

Bring it.

[growling and snarling]

Get him, Wanda! Go for the eyes!

Lemme guess, me and a werewolf?

Yeah. You're holdin' your own.

Compliments of the lady at the end of the bar.

Hi, Karen.

Send it back.

Here you go.

Oh.

Oh, come on, Karen, come back to The Ruby. I'll buy ya lunch.

You're only makin' it worse. Every time she sees you

it reminds her of the time she stole that muffin.

I didn't steal it!

Don't tell me, tell Lacey.

She's the one who won't let it die.

I don't need your charity. I have my dinner right here.

Come on, Davis, let's go grab a table.

Phil, put whatever Karen is eating or drinking on my tab.

Huh?

Put it on my tab. Don't let Karen pay when she leaves.

[beeping]

[knocking]

Hey, what's for supper?

Shouldn't you be askin' Mom that?

She cooks like crap.

Come on, what's on the menu? We're starvin'.

We?

Hey, Brent, I brought wine.

Thanks.

I was just about to go home and microwave a pizza pocket

when I bumped into Oscar.

Brent can make ya somethin' better than a pizza pocket, right?

Yes, because I'm a great cook.

[microwave beeping]

You know what? I'm, uh, outta coriander.

I'll just go grab some.

Ya hear that? Fancy. Coriander.

Coriander gives me gas.

I meant cilantro. I'll be right back.

I think everyone's staring at me.

No, it's all in your head.

Everyone wants to get a load of the muffin stealer.

Why don't we get outta here?

Good idea.

Look, everybody. I'm gonna pay for my drinks now, okay?

Is everyone watching? How much to I owe ya?

Uh, Lacey paid for your drinks.

What? Why?

I dunno.

She just said something about you leaving without paying.

Unbelievable. I believe it.

Hey, Mom.

Um, listen, uh, I just wanted to say I was way outta line

with that whole dinner party thing.

No, you were way outta line.

Well, that is what I said. But regardless, uh, I'm sorry.

And I brought you a bottle of wine.

Oh.

Thanks.

Hey, is that tuna casserole?

Would you like some?

Yes, please. Uh-uh-uh.

Only if you do the dishes afterwards.

Done.

And only if you have us over for dinner occasionally.

Can I have it catered? Yes.

Can you cater it? Nope.

Geez, you're fussy.

Have you seen your father?

Oh, he said somethin' about dinner with Fitzy.

I coulda had this at home.

Shut up. Pass the salt.

You guys figure out the password yet?

No. But we're close. No, we're not.

We know a lotta words that aren't the password.

You? [chuckles]

Look, if I can't figure it--

And I'm in.

What? What is it? Your pet's name.

Wiggles? We tried that.

No. Literally the words, "your pet's name."

I have to admit,

I was not prepared for that level of stupidity.

How did you cr*ck it?

I just had to think like a Hank

who was trying to outsmart a Wanda.

Plus I was standing beside Hank when he typed it in.

I believe you have email.

"Hank and Wanda are morons

and Brent is King Stud of All Time."

Of all time.

Things between us got carried away.

They did. But I'm glad we're okay now.

Anyway, uh, here's the tab from, uh, the bar.

Whoa. How much did you drink?

I only had two beers and Davis had a couple of beers.

Oh, and everyone else in the bar had a couple rounds.

Then that rugby team showed up and they were thir-sty.

Oh, well, I don't mind paying. A deal's a deal.

Hey.

Hey, Lacey, um,

speaking of paying,

did you pay for those chips or did you steal them?

Oh.

Oh, hey, look everybody.

It's the chip-stealing restaurant owner.

[sing-songy] Lacey stole some chips.

Lacey stole some chips. Lacey stole some chips.

Hey, you forgot your toonie on the counter.

It's for the chips.

Okay.

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪