05x06 - The Eight Samurai

[bunniefuu]

You know, there's a gas station in the city

that's got this contest to win this awesome barbeque.

Nice.

Some places, uh, give ya a free carwash

with every fill-up.

Good deal.

This one place hands out glasses with hockey team logos on 'em,

free.

What a time to be alive.

How come you don't do stuff like that?

I'll tell you what, Hank. Go to my house,,

fire up the barbeque, make yourself a hotdog,

go into the cupboards, grab any glass you want, you can keep it,

get the garden hose, wash your truck, all that stuff for free,

providing you pay for this t*nk of gas today.

See? There's always a catch with you.

♪ You can tell me that your dog ran away ♪

♪ Then tell me that it took three days ♪

♪ I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say ♪

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong ♪

♪ And that's why you can stay so long ♪

♪ Where there's not a lot goin' on ♪♪

Hey, did you get a rabbit?

No. This is for the composter.

You know what a composter is, don't you?

Of course.

It composts things, things that are compostable,

turns it into compostage.

Wow, you're like a real expert.

Well, we all have our areas of expertise. Mine's composting.

When did you get into the green thing?

David Suzuki kind of inspired me.

I watched this show on global warming the other night.

ANNOUNCER: Pretty Woman will not be seen tonight

so that we can bring you David Suzuki's Planet In Peril.

Aw crap.

It really opened my eyes.

You're disappointed there's no rabbit, aren't you?

I'll work through it.

You know, Brent, there are so many things you can do to help the planet,

like composting or-or that thing rock stars do.

Ooo, I'll do that.

I assume it has something to do with groupies?

Carbon trading.

You offset your driving by turning off your air conditioning,

reduce your carbon footprint.

How about I just try not to step in any carbon?

Oh, good news.

We just got a package from a town in Japan.

Really?

Yeah, they want to twin with Dog River.

I never thought we'd twin again after Henkenvyorken.

So next item, the gift for Henkenvyorken.

Oh, don't worry, I already sent them something.

What?

Just a little taste of Dog River,

some gasoline from Corner Gas, fertilizer from the field,

and a battery from my truck.

[speaking Danish]

So what did we get from Japan?

You'll see.

Bring the Twinning Committee over and I'll show you.

Did it suddenly get cold in here?

I told you, I was leaving early. No, you didn't.

I implied it by leaving early lots of other times.

You shoulda seen this comin'.

I'm covering for Phil at the bar while he's on vacation.

Wow, he must have been desperate.

Why would you say that?

He was, but why would you say that?

Because bartenders are usually more friendly

and sympathetic than you are.

Who asked you, Doorknob?

You shoulda seen that comin'.

I'll have another plate of french fries, please.

Just doin' my part.

Doing your part to what, stop your heart from b*ating?

No. But thanks for the hex.

The french fry thing is just like the carbon trading thing.

I've traded my salad intake with Karen, here,

in exchange for her french fry intake.

I ordered soup.

The overall Dog River french fry footprint has not expanded.

Could I get that soup to go?

Brent, you're not taking any of this seriously.

We could win an award. For eating fries?

Doesn't have to be a large soup. I'd take a small.

For businesses that reduce their energy.

Look it, our two businesses combined in the same building,

we could have a real sh*t.

[bell dings]

Who ordered the soup?

The branch is trespassing on this property.

It's illegal.

First of all, this is my yard, so it's not your problem.

See what can happen?

The sword?

So, let's see it.

See what?

The gift from Japan.

It's not here.

I thought you said you got it.

No. I said I got it in the sense that I understood it.

And let me tell you, it's great.

Well, how do you know, if they didn't send it?

It's in their letter. Let's see the letter.

It's in Japanese.

I know some Japanese. I b*rned it.

It said to.

To honour the paper spirit.

You see, I know Japanese too, Karen.

I wonder what the gift from Japan is.

All right Oscar, that's enough.

My turn.

Hey Wanda,

I'm about to make your day.

By going straight home without finishing this conversation?

No. Check it out.

This book has every drink imaginable,

help you be a better bartender.

"Mix it Up Baby: Drinks for Swingin' Cats."

That's great if you wanna get drunk and swing cats.

No, no, no, come on.

It's like art meets alcohol. It's, um, art-co-hol.

No, people here like their old standbys.

Rye and coke, rye and water, rye and ginger.

Maybe I should order more rye.

That's just because they haven't had the options.

I mean they'll change their minds once they try a...

gin and tonic.

Together?

Oof!

So what's your poison?

I need something cold and stiff.

Have you checked the morgue?

Just a little bartender humour for ya.

Scotch on the rocks okay?

Thanks.

So, what's on your mind, sister friend?

Well, I just lost something and I'm not sure where it went.

I hear ya.

The spark between you and Oscar has faded away?

No.

I mean yes, but that's not it.

The flame, the passion, all down the crapper?

Pardon my French.

If you need to cry,

I got shoulders.

When's Phil coming back?

Brent, if we really try,

we could be the greenest business in Dog River.

Wow, you dream about these things, but you never expect they'll actually happen to you.

Hey guys, say goodbye to your boring old booze.

Check out these snazzy cocktails.

I just want a rye and water.

Oh, a Singapore Sling,

I haven't had one of those since college.

Oh, I didn't know you went to school in Singapore.

Hey Wanda, can you make me a Singapore Sling?

No time. The Wilsons are talkin' divorce over here

and I'm trying to sort out the Turcotts' financial problems.

Well, as long as you're keeping it all confidential.

Our finances are fine.

Guess you won't have any problem with the tip, then.

Just a little bartender humour for ya.

Hey, can I make Lacey's sling?

The directions are right here in the book.

Fine.

But there's three rules behind the bar.

Shut up, don't annoy me, and shut up.

That doesn't make any sense.

The first and third rule are the same.

Now you broke all three.

I'm here for you.eed to talk,

Is there beer for me?

You bet.

Or if you ever want to ask me stuff--

Like, where's my beer?

Here you go, folks.

What the hell are these?

Surf Dreams.

Only I couldn't find coconut, so I used potatoes.

I call them "Turf Dreams."

Why is it red? Oh, that's ketchup.

I, uh, I couldn't find any grenadine.

You ever notice how every few weeks either me

or Hank or Wanda has some crazy new job?

I hadn't noticed and I'm sure no one else has either.

Anyway, did you see anything unusual around the house today?

You mean your new hedge cutter? Davis and I were using it.

It's not a hedge cutter, it's a--

Hey guys.

It's a what?

Hedge trimmer.

That's great news about Japan, huh?

Who'd they att*ck now?

No, the twinning thing.

We should send them a gift before they get cold feet.

But make sure it's a decent gift this time.

We don't want another Henkenvyorken.

[speaking Danish]

It wasn't my fault.

Oh, keep telling yourself that.

Hey there, stranger.

Stranger? It's me, Davis.

It's called small talk, genius.

I mean, pal.

So, good day today?

Yeah, pretty good.

I hear ya. Good but not great?

No, wouldn't say that.

Somethin' else eating ya?

No, I don't think so.

But you're not sure.

Guess I'm not.

What do you think it is?

Have you talked to Karen about it?

Should I? You might want to.

'Cause she's the problem?

You tell me.

Maybe she is, I don't know.

I need to think about this. Thanks, Wanda.

Oh, that's what I'm here for.

Hey.

Hey.

Everything okay?

I don't know.

Is it?

I think so.

Okay.

Okay.

Hey Brent, look what I got us.

I'll put it in the middle, so all you have to do

is walk ten feet with your bottles.

But the garbage can is right there. That's like ten inches.

Okay, we'll put it on your side.

You've done nothing on this going green thing, have you?

I beg your pardon? What do you call that?

Somebody's bike?

Somebody named me.

You expect me to believe you, Brent Leroy, rode a bike to work?

Well, stranger things have happened.

Yeah. Like maybe twice in the history of the world,

the big bang, evolution of the platypus,

and then you on a bike.

Okay, funny lady.

Well, I'm just about to run home for lunch, so--

So, you'll be riding your bike?

Yes, that is a true statement.

Here I go.

Okay.

On my bike.

Okay, all right,

just gettin' wound up here.

See ya later. So long.

Is Tom still there?

Yeah. He's wondering why you stole his bike.

Hey, Davis.

You haven't seen my, uh, new hedge trimmer, have ya?

Your what?

Well, it's kinda long and Japanesey looking.

Oh, Oscar's wood chopper. Oh, yeah, it's great.

I lent it to Josh at The Ruby.

These are good grilled cheeses.

Yeah, nicely cut.

So what are we getting our Japanese twin town?

A hockey stick. It's Canadian.

I know, but that's lame.

It's like them sending us a samurai sword.

That would be lame.

We should just do what we did last time.

Okay, fine.

How about this novelty bowling ball candle? No.

Hey.

You want a drink?

Actually, I was just leaving.

I think Davis is mad at me about something.

Ah.

So that's what he was hinting about the other day.

He talked to you about it?

People open up to me.

Why is he mad at me? I do all the work.

Maybe that's the problem. You think?

Well, I don't not think that it isn't it.

Well, I guess that's it.

Thanks, Wanda.

Hey, solving problems is what I do.

Do you realize you can't get dried lime rind in this town,

or even a passable papaya?

I mean just look at this mango.

That's an apple.

Huh?

Oh.

I hope the other customers aren't as sharp as you are.

How's the Green Queen?

Oh, thank you.

I wish Brent were as supportive.

Well, sometimes with Brent-- okay, all the times with Brent--

you have to take matters into your own hands.

I know. Do you know that I still have to put ice cubes

in his soup to let it cool down?

What a mama's boy.

Which is a good thing.

You haven't seen Oscar's wood chopper, have you? I don't think so.

It's long, with a brown handle.

Oh, you mean Josh's sandwich slicer.

I asked him, and he said he hadn't seen it.

So, listen, Emma, I was thinking--

Oh. Okay, bye.

Hey, Emma.

Fuzzy Navel?

None of your business.

Your loss.

Oh, almost forgot the mango.

[sighs]

Okay, what's your problem?

You won't tell me, your partner, but you'll spill to Wanda?

I didn't spill to Wanda.

She said you might be the problem.

How am I the problem? You're the one with the problem. She said so.

I didn't have that problem till you started being the problem.

I don't even know what the problem is.

Neither do I.

We didn't have any problems until we started talking to you.

I see.

So you're having trouble communicating.

Sometimes.

So the problem is me and Karen?

You tell me.

Well, I suppose that--

Wait a minute, she's doing it again.

Am I really?

I ordered a scotch and soda.

Oh, too complicated.

Try this.

I can't even taste the liquor.

Yeah. It's got, uh, cinnamon, papaya, uh, cherry juice,

lemon rind, Tom Collin mix, and...

I may have forgot the booze.

I'm going home. Oh, watch the highways.

I heard the Mounties are out doing that ride thing.

The Musical Ride?

No, the RIDE program.

The Musical Ride program?

[marching music]

Any alcohol to drink, sir?

No.

Very good. Then you're free to go.

That's great.

Just as soon as this song's finished.

And then we have our Beatles medley.

You don't want to miss that.

Whatever.

I'm just glad they're doing their bit to stop drunk drivers.

Just like you and your boozeless drinks.

I can't believe you're buying gas.

I thought you gave up on the stuff.

I know. I'm ashamed. Can you check my oil and washer fluid?

Wanda,

I'm taking matters into my own hands.

I was putting these up in The Ruby and I had an idea.

[ding]

I think this idea is going to last longer than my other ideas.

So you're going to put those up in here?

Yeah, without Brent knowing. Can you create a diversion?

Sure thing.

I'll start a fire. Hand me those newspapers.

Or you could just talk to him.

Yawn.

Hey, Brent? Yeah?

Explain to me how when the Hulk gets big,

his shirt rips right off

and his belt snaps in half and his shoes explode off his feet,

but his but his pants still fit?

Simple. Dr. Banner invented super stretchy pants.

Hey, Hank, have you seen a long, sharp--

oh, I don't know how to describe it.

You mean samurai sword?

This sword has caused nothing but trouble.

What are you doin' with my hedge cutter?

Cleaning the fuzz outta my navel.

I didn't know it was a navel defuzzer.

It's not. It's a gift from our twinning town in Japan.

Oh-ho-ho, oh, ho, ho, hoooo. And you lost it.

I didn't lose it. You stole it.

Yeah, but I'm not responsible for me.

Oh, you screwed up big time.

I don't know who to tell first, Fitzy or Karen.

Oh-ho-ho, oh, ho, ho, ho-hooo.

I'll tell them myself.

I take responsibility for my actions.

Is there a total solar eclipse today

that I wasn't told about?

What was wrong with the hockey stick?

I wanted something from Dog River that speaks of who we are.

Okay, I know you're all probably gonna make fun of me,

but here it is.

Davis' paper cutter?

Oscar's wood chopper.

You mean Josh's sandwich slicer?

It's the perfect gift for our twin town.

It's something from Dog River we all use.

And it's kinda Japanesey. Good thinkin', Emma.

I do what I can.

Hey, Phil, you're back early.

Yeah, vacation troubles.

I hear ya.

Got a lot of complaints.

Well, Phil, people are funny animals

in this ol' zoo we call life.

Complaints about you.

I hear ya. Pull up a stool and tell me all about it.

You're fired.

I hear ya.

Pardon?

See, when your eyes adjust to the new light bulbs,

it seems just as bright as before.

Yeah.

Hey, look everyone, it's Al Goar.

That doesn't even look like Al Gore.

Not Al Gore, former U.S. Vice-President.

Al Goar, G-O-A-R, from Goar Fertilizer, up the road.

Of course.

Al heads up the Regional Environmental Committee.

He has good news.

Congratulations, Brent.

On behalf of the Regional Committee,

we want to present you this plaque.

Well, thank you.

Ah, we worked on this together.

Yeah. But Corner Gas did a lot more to cut its power usage.

"Enviro Hero." I should have a cape.

Mm.

You should really replace these bulbs with compact fluorescents.

And you might want to turn your AC down too.

Well, this is nice.

Okay, so you got the plaque.

No, the real winner is Brent Leroy.

See? It says right there.

a toy clock--

[in unison] No!

They're already mad at us for Emma's gift.

[speaking Japanese]

It wasn't my fault.

You keep tellin' yourself that.

♪ I don't know the same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know I just don't know ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ and it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know Yes you do ♪

♪ You just won't admit it ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know ♪♪