04x10 - Putt Putt Go

[bunniefuu]

Ow.

Ow. Ow.

Why do you insist on thumb-wrestling people

when it always makes your thumb go out?

It's my passion. Ow.

You're putting less-itchy pants

in that budget proposal, right?
I hate these.

I kinda like mine.
The scratching is so satisfying.

- Ow.
- Karen, a word.

Here's two words. Less-itchy pants.

"Less-itchy" is hyphenated.

All right, you want new pants?
I need something from you.

I'm going to the Mayors' Conference,

so I need your help
with a highly specialized

and time-sensitive assignment.

I need you to play my Gemmy Blitz.

- You want her to play with your bits?
- Blitz, dammit!

Gemmy Blitz!
It's a virtual reality phone game.

I'm neck and neck with
my nemesis, the Queen,

and today's Blitz Day, but I'm
stuck at a stupid conference.

So you play for me.

If you can pass the Queen in the standings,

- we can talk cotton-blend.
- I have no idea what you just said,

but I will do anything
to get out of these pants.

Give me your phone, and I'll log you in.

Why Karen and not me?

- Aren't you injured?
- My trick thumb's out.

Doesn't mean I can't play a phone game. Ow.

It 100% means you can't play a phone game.

Plus, Karen has better reflexes.

Karen doesn't have...

Touché.

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪

Hey, guys.

Terrible news. The mini putt closed down.

What? No! I love that place.

Aw, man. No, wait, I don't care.

When was the last time
either of you played mini putt?

Uh... I dunno. Five years ago?

Maybe eight.

Maybe it's not such a mystery
why it shut down.

Huh. I salvaged some
putters and balls as mentos.

- Can you break a 50?
- Sure thing, moneybags.

It's not mine. I'm filling in for Lacey.

She took the morning off.

Really? That's weird. Why you?

She said I was the only person

hard working and responsible enough.

- Boom, scorches the whole town.
- I wonder what Lacey's up to.

Probably heard about the mini putt.

We all need time to grieve in our own way.

I can't believe how dumb this game is.

- Look at Fitzy's avatar.
- Yikes.

I wouldn't want to gallop
with those saggy moobs.

Huh, there's a store.
Ooh, you can buy all kinds of stuff.

Outfits, snacks, weapons, ooh, pink armour.

It even has its own currency.

Time for a makeover.

- Nice. Good moob support.
- Pull over!

I have to walk around and catch stuff.

Wait, can I come?
My thumb hurts, not my legs.

Ow, my thumb.

It's a one-person job.
I'll meet up with you later.

Ooh, there's one! Diamond!

"Would you like to buy a flaming pick-axe

to double your mining power?"
Let's make it two.

Were you talking to me?

Not unless you know where
the Gemmy Blitz Mine is.

Sorry. Don't know where that is.

Maybe because I don't know what that is.

It's a group of dorks nerding
out over a virtual reality game.

- Hey, why aren't you at The Ruby?
- I took the morning off.

I've been so busy lately,
I just needed some "me time."

A quiet walk in the neighbourhood.

Wrong neighbourhood for that.

What the hell are you

jackasses doing on my lawn?

Are you hitchhiking?

You'd probably have better
luck out on the highway.

- I re-injured my thumb
- Thumb wrestling, eh?

- Couldn't walk away.
- I missed the roar of the crowd.

But don't worry. I confiscated some...

I mean, acquired some awesome painkillers.

Hey, Mom. Gimme a chili cheese dog.

Breakfast of champions.
Aren't you supposed to be at work?

I'm 18 feet from work.

You can head back. I'll bring it by.

It's been an easy morning.

You've really got a knack
for this kind of work, Emma.

Seems I'm the only one here
with a knack for work at all.

I'm gonna miss that mini putt.

Remember the sixth hole, with the windmill?

Ah, that was a tough one.

Almost as hard as the eighth
hole with the windmill.

Yello. Tomorrow?

Perfect. Bye.

Great news, my new couch is coming tomorrow,

so we'll have to move
the old one later tonight.

Oh, no, sorry, tonight's the finale

of Real Swamp Husbands of Wetland County.

Jeb's going to find out
who sunk his fan boat.

Oh, I love the cousins on that show.

Wait, they're all cousins.
But you have to help me tonight.

- Can you PVR it?
- Uh, no, no, no, I have to live-tweet it.

Just drag your old sofa onto your lawn.

Then you'll have a yard couch,
like a millionaire.

It's gotta be tonight.

- You promised!
- Uh...

Ugh. Tell you what, I'll putt you for it.

If I make a sh*t, and you miss it,

- you move my couch.
- Ha! Easy money.

Off the counter, then into the cup.

So, 7:00 good for you?

So, never o'clock good for you?

Hmm, guess we need to ramp this up a notch.

You can't just come on my property!

What do you think this is?
- It's a Gemmy Blitz Mine.

No, this lawn is mine! Karen!

Where's your zapper?

Get these lawn squatters off my property.

Oscar's right, they shouldn't be trampling

- all over his grass.
- Just a minute, there's a blue opal nearby!

I just have to find it...

Ah, someone's nabbed it.

- I wonder if the Queen's here.
- The Queen?

Is she to blame for this? Arrest her!

I don't care if she is on the nickel.

Aw, I'm in eighth place!

The Queen's b*ating my itchy pants off.

I wonder who she is.

What...? You?!

Like that, dorks? Long live the Queen!

Don't move!

- Aw, come on!
- Whoo!

What are you guys doing?
You can't play golf in here.

Plus, that's a terrible
waste of ice cream sandwiches.

We're not just playing.
There are higher stakes involved.

Yard couch stakes.

I don't know what that means,
but you need to stop.

Maybe you need to start.

- Come on, everybody loves mini putt.
- Ah... All right, one sh*t.

Who's that gonna hurt?

Brent, I have your...

- Ah! My shoulder!
- My breakfast!

You'll be all right.

You okay? My trick shoulder's out.

Hold on... O-Ouch!

And now it's back in.

- What was that I stepped on?
- Nothing! Not important.

I told you guys,
golfing in here was a bad idea.

I don't remember you saying that.

But I do remember you shanking
that embarrassing sh*t.

In our defense,
Emma shouldn't have walked out

- onto a golf course.
- It's not a golf course!

No more putting in here.

Come on, Mom, I'll make you some tea.

- Guess we should knock it off.
- Yeah...

Knock it off the washer fluid,
bank it off the freezers,

- into the air filter.
- Game on.

Gross tea?

It is weird if you think about it.
Hot compost in a cup.

It's not the tea, it's my shoulder.

Ah, I feel your pain, and my pain.

Are you still thumb wrestling? Ow!

I'm in too much pain to mock you.

You know, I have some great
painkillers in the cruiser.

Then why're you still sitting here?

Lacey, bad news...

What's that sound?

It's nothing. It's a...

...heart monitor. I'm at the doctor.

Got a murmur thing. Anyway, what's up?

My mom injured herself,
and she can't wait tables anymore.

Oh, no. Really? Dammit!

Well, no worries.
Mom can work in Corner Gas.

- I'll take over in The Ruby.
- Uh...

I don't know why you didn't
ask me in the first place.

I know this joint inside-out.

Good morning. How many chili cheese dogs

- would you like?
- How about none?

You know, there are
other things on the menu.

There's a menu?

Ooh!

This Blitz Day is... no joke.

Can't keep up? Ooh, an emerald.

First time I played, it only took me an hour

to get into the top ten.

I guess I'm just a diamond
in the rough. Ooh, look!

A diamond in the rough!

- Got it!
- Dammit.

I can feel my trouser dreams slipping away.

Say goodbye to your gemmies!

I'm moving them to the street!
Go trespass in traffic!

He really doesn't understand
virtual reality, does he?

I'm not sure he understands reality reality.

Aah!

Is that reality enough for ya?

There you are, Emma. Here.

Two of these babies works wonders.

Ow... ow...

Here, you pop this. I'll get you some water.

All right, open wide.
Get ready for the pill train.

Chugga choo choo!

But I just...

- Ouch!
- Down the hatch!

- Davis, I already took two.
- What?

That's four.

That's too much. Two too much.

Double too much.

How is she so good?

Well, she's totally addicted
and super competitive,

and she has the Crystal
Diamond Sword of Salvation.

I saw that sword in the shop. Pricey.

What does it do? If the player doesn't have

the proper armour engaged,

the sword-holder can steal
their gems. Like this...

Oh, come on!

Stealing's illegal, you know?

I could arrest you for that!

80 bling coins? Better be worth it.

Salvation sword acquired!

Karen, I've had it!

You need to get these people
off my lawn, or I'll...

- Call the cops?
- Great idea.

Aren't you a cop, Karen?

Today I'm a thief. Take that!

Oh, no, a crystal sword!

Good thing I've got a Moonstone Mirror,

so I'll just...

You took all my rose quartz!

Rose Quartz, depleted!

Shut up, phone.

$200 is your change.

Um... I paid debit.

Gotcha!

You passed Emma's honesty test.

Okay... but you might want to get

your eyes checked, Emma.

Looking a little... Satan-y.

Yikes. Here, put these on.

♪ Skoobie do wop ♪

♪ da-noo-n-doodle-noww... ♪

- Are you scatting?
- Fore!

Okay, that's definitely a mulligan.
Why is she dancing?

- Flash mob.
- She's looking a little loosey goosey.

Okay, enough golf. You two, out!

There's my guy! I missed you.

What the hell is wrong with her?

Nothing. She missed you.

I missed you too.

Not sure how I feel about that.

Anyway, Davis, come clear off my lawn.

It's being mobbed by Blitz Queens,

and that partner of yours is useless!

No can do. I can't go into
another officer's... jurisdiction.

Plus, I'm on an appropriate amount
of legally acquired painkillers.

Well, what am I supposed to do

about all those dead-eyed sod stompers?

Oscar, look at me.

Uh, b*at them at their own game,
by playing their own game.

But the game's invisible reality.

No, it's virtual. It's on your phone.

- I'll download it.
- Who wants a massage?

W-What are you...?

See, look, there's gems everywhere!

Ow, my thumb. Fitzy was right.

There's one. Tap it and grab it.

Hey, well, look at that!

Ooh! I'm in 27th place!

All right! Go get 'em, tiger.

Buy a bronze axe? Ha ha!

I've got a stainless steel one at home.

How are the burgers?

We ordered side salads, not fries.

I thought that was a joke. You were serious?

Serious as the heart att*ck
I'll have if I keep eating fries.

Wow, downer.
I'll be right back with... salad.

Oh, and could you please ask Hank and Wanda

to stop golfing in here?
They're hogging all the ketchup.

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Is it warm in here?
'Cause I just brought the heat...

- sauce.
- Hey, I said no golf in here.

Well, technically,
you said no golf in Corner Gas.

Also, it's not golf
if we're using an avocado pit.

Both of you, out.
You're buggingushe customers.

Do we have to quit now?

No, now Brent's a hazard
we have to play around.

Like a walking sand trap.
Well, a sitting sand trap.

- Now's not a good time.
- How are we doing?

Are we number one, or are we number one?

I'm working on it,
but it's not looking good,

and the longer we're on the phone,
the worse it gets.

So number two, then?

How do you feel about number six?

Goddammit, Karen. Four words...

Less-itchy pants... you!

Hey, seen the standings? 'Cause...

Hose your daddy? Take that and that!

And I'll take that... and that...

...and that!

Brent! There's something green on my burger.

Ew, that's lettuce.
Not sure how that got on there.

Brent, why is there
cheese on my cheeseburger?

Is that a trick question?

I specifically asked for
a cheeseburger, no cheese.

That's called a burger.

Happy?

Sure, except now I want
a new burger with cheese.

Well, you made it look good.

Hazard time, 30 seconds. Go!

- Boom!
- Hank, we're trying to eat here.

Uh. Sorry, but there's a lot riding on this.

- Like what?
- If Wanda misses,

I don't have to help her move her couch.

Like he promised he would.

Uh, that was before she
sprung the date on me.

I mean, suddenly it has to be tonight.

I've got Swamp TV to watch.

Hank shouldn't have to help Wanda

if she didn't give a date and a time.

But he promised to help her
and didn't ask for a specific time.

Ooh, yeah! Nothing but trash.

- Nice sh*t, Wanda!
- You've got this, Hank.

Nice try.

You're lookin' at the
fastest nozzle in Dog River.

We're getting k*lled here.

How did Lacey know to bring a poncho?

Not my first Blitz Day. Hit me if you want.

I'm getting that opal. It's Gemmy Time!

It's not cold, it's refreshing!

I've never felt more alive.
Bow to your Queen!

What the heck? I've been sabotaged!

Sorry, it's "knot" your day.

It's a Blitz Blast Bonanza!

Triple gems for the next five minutes!

Whoa... Did you watch The Matrix last night?

That's hard work. Running a deep fryer

isn't the dream job I thought it would be.

Are you aware how many people in this town

don't meet their daily
required intake of French fries?

What are you drawing there, Mom?

Self-portrait.

- Yeesh. Are you okay?
- You're my favourite son.

I'm your only son. Aren't I? Mom?

Brent! How'd you get in here?

I-I mean... Need something?

Yeah, I need the "only son"
question answered.

Emma's been joking
around all day, talking in code.

More like "codeine,"
my second favourite son.

A-wink-wank-wonk.

- What did she just say?
- Work, work, work.

I think I hear Josh calling. Off you go.

Again with the golf! Get outta here!

You're bothering the customers.

Shh, Brent! This is for all the marbles.

Five marbles says she goes wide.

Could we do money? Five bucks?

- All I have are marbles.
- Oh.

- Ha ha!
- This girl is on fire!

I don't know what's going on anymore.

I'm still in first, Karen.

You better quit while I'm ahead.

I'm right behind you, closing fast.

Dammit! It's work.

Somebody better be dead.

Hi, Josh, what's up? Uh-huh?

Uh-huh... He put you what? Where?

No... no, no, no, please, don't quit.
I'll be right there.

I'm catching up, your majesty.

- Prepare to be dethroned!
- Fine, take it.

You're quitting? Why?

I let this game get the best of me.

It's taking over my life
while my business suffers.

All so I could nab the number-one
spot in a stupid phone game.

I'm such an idiot.

You're not an idiot. You know what?

I can live in itchy pants for another year.

I'll stop so you can win.

Blitz Day is almost over, anyway.

Really? Thanks, Karen.

This is really nice, and it means a lot.

Also, suck it! The Queen rules supreme!

Say it, Karen. Say it.

Maybe that's enough
grateful gloating for now.

I'm number one! I'm number one!

I'm number two?

- What the hell?
- Ha ha!

While you two were having
your girl-on-girl moment,

I got the rocks off.

I really hope he doesn't
know what he's talking about.

- Whoo-hoo!
- Yes!

- What?
- I can't believe it!

Okay, don't panic, everybody,
I'm back. What's the...

- Shh!
- Jeez!

Did you shush me?

I don't like being shushed
in my own restaurant.

Shh! If Hank makes this sh*t,

Brent says our food is free.

Free?

Uh, where is Brent exactly?

Okay, okay. I was trying to salvage the day.

- You can put it on my tab.
- You're so irresponsible.

Your mother never would
have gotten caught up

in something like this.

- This is your fault?
- She's fine.

She just needs some coffee.

There they are! Thief!

You stole my two best putters!

What? I-I thought your mini putt shut down.

That's what the sign said.

Shut down? No!

"Shut down for renovations."
I'm putting in more windmills.

People love those damn things.

Now, give me my stuff back!

You trying to start
some kind of mini putt w*r?

- Bring it on, lady!
- It's not her fault.

I let this mini putt thing get out of hand.

He's right. You really screwed up, Brent.

Thanks, Wanda. I'm really sorry, Lacey.

Well, this was irresponsible,
but you took responsibility

for how not responsible you are.

There is something to be said for that,

even though that's not easy to say.

Great news about the mini putt.

Hey, we should go when it opens again.

Nah, too many windmills.
I hate those things.

Karen, I was just checking my credit card,

and there's a charge on it
for 420 bucks at the Blitzy Shop.

Blitz Bling is real money? Whoopsie!

Well, at least your avatar looks cool.

Huh, I do look cool.

Ooh, look at this one.

Emerald nose ring acquired.

Thanks for getting Davis
to help move my couch, Emma.

This sucks. My thumb hurts.

Why don't you take
some of those painkillers,

or did you give them all away?

Never mind. Much better now.

Promise fulfilled.

- So, uh, where are we taking this thing?
- The dump.

Oh, uh, can I take it to my place?

- That's what I said.
- Whoo-hoo!

Yard couch!

Yard couch acquired!

Did anyone else hear that?

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ And it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know ♪