04x00 - Christmas in Benidorm

[bunniefuu]

[IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME
OF THE YEAR PLAYING]

Oh, flipping heck!

Ah, you got your scarf stuck, pet.

- There you are.
- Oh, thank you.

- Oh, that's lovely.
- Oh, they're gorgeous shoes. Gorgeous.

Thank you.

Do you know if they do them
in a wide fitting?

Oh, God! I've left me other bag.

MICK: Right,
where's the complaints desk?

Oh, for God's sake! Can't we just
forget it and get on with our holiday!

A pound to have a sh*t on the plane
and you want me to forget it?

No way. I'm taking this to the top.

- Just leave it.
- No, I won't leave it.

Me bacon bap was only 90 pence
this morning.

It's cost me 10 pence more
to get rid of it!

- Do you mind?
- Yeah, I do mind.

That's why I'm making a complaint.

Now, where's the desk?
She said it was here.

The flights were only cheap,
they've got to make money somehow.

You're joking, aren't you?
They're raking it in!

Did you not see that drinks menu?
Four pound for a gin and tonic!

- When do you drink gin and tonic?
- I don't.

But I do go to the bog

and it's cost me the grand total
of one pound for the pleasure!

What were you doing?
You were in there about half an hour.

What was I doing?
I was getting me moneys worth.

Can't we just get on the coach?

We're not getting a coach.
Mel's sending someone to pick us up.

See if you can see a sign
with our name on it.

Oh, my God,
I wonder if he's sent a limo.

Come on, then.

Budget airways? They're taking the piss!

Who budgets to spend a pound
to have a tomtit on the plane?

Oh, will you give over?
You've paid it and it's done with now.

Yeah, I know I've paid it
but it's annoyed me.

Well, don't worry, you can't tell.

what if we'd all wanted
to go for one, eh?

What if I'd wanted two?
That's four quid.

What would you want two for?
It's only a two and a half hour flight.

No, sorry, they’ve gone too far this time.

There's no way I'm letting this one go.

Shame you didn't say that on the plane,
you'd have saved yourself a pound.

[CHUCKLING]

Right, come on.

[MARY'S LITTLE BOY CHILD PLAYING]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Casa Blanca. Mrs Mel Harvey speaking.

Mrs Harvey, I'm at the airport.

I can't find your daughter
and your son-in-law.

Hello? Who is it?

- What do you want?
- It's Les.

- Mel's driver.
- Oh, it's you.

I've told you I can hardly understand
a word you're saying.

You'll have to speak slowly.
You're not in Wales now.

[ENUNCIATING] I am at the airport
and there's nay...

There's no sign of Mick and Janice.

What do you mean
there's no sign of them?

They sent a text
saying they landed half an hour ago.

English couple in their early 40s
with a little blonde lad.

- You made a sign, didn't you?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a sign...

- ...Budget Airways.
- Oh!

I think I've got them. just stay there.

- Well, that was a waste of time.
- No, it wasn't.

I've got me complaint form.
I'm taking this to the top.

- Mick? Janice?
- Yeah?

Ah! You're all right, Mrs Harvey,
I've got them.

You should have said
they were a mixed race couple.

I would have spotted them straight away.
I'll see you in a bit.

Mixed race?

I'm Les. Mel's driver.

Welcome to paradise.

- You all right, son?
- Yeah.

You know that Mel's not back
from Marrakech yet.

Yeah, I know. we heard.

Business trip, my arse.
He'll be sitting in a tent

with a dozen belly dancers
ripping up his return ticket.

Okay, everyone, bus station
is through here and to the left.

[LITTLE GREEN BAG PLAYING}

Thank you. Thank you.

Any spare euros for the Nuns of Altea?

Ah, sorry. Church of Scotland.

Oh, sorry about that,
they had to scan me luggage three times.

Honestly, have people
never seen a handbag

in the shape of a dachshund before?

[LAUGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT] Car? Outside?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Thank you.

- Please, can I have your autograph?
- Oh, certainly.

- Who's it for?
- Me.

- Oh, is that a Spanish name?
- [CHUCKLING]

Salutations.

Richard of York gained battle in vain.

- Are you talking to me?
- There was a rainbow this morning.

Richard of York

gained battle in vain.

Red, orange, yellow, green,
blue, indigo, violet.

Have you lost the person
looking after you?

Now, a small libation if you please.

- What?
- A quaff of mead.

A flagon of grog, a sneaky snifter.

- I'd like a drink.
- I think you've had enough already.

Oh, the sun is not yet over the yardarm,
so don't let's go mad.

What about a tomato juice?

- What about it?
- Can I have one?

- No.
- What do you mean "no"?

"No" is the opposite of "yes."

Now, don't try and get smart with me,
young man.

My father was on nodding terms
with Franco,

so don't talk to me like I'm a tourist.

NOREEN: Oh, there you are.

I've been waiting
outside the loo for you,

I thought you'd fallen in.

This is your wife?

You married this crazy man?

He's not me husband. We're just friends.

Hey, listen to me, sonny.

I've had my eye on you.

For the last 15 minutes
you've contravened

at least half a dozen
level three European hygiene laws.

One word to the powers that be,

you'll be mopping floors
at Alicante airport.

So, two tomato juices, please.

- Is everything all right?
- [CHUCKLES] Yes. Oh, it is now.

Oh, I don't believe this.

I think I've left me glasses
on the cistern.

Can you take this? I won't be long.

Oh, get us a couple of sunbeds.

Will do.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Um, just checking for the glasses.

Right.

As you were.

No, there's no booking for six couples
under the name of Stewart.

You must be able to find us somewhere
on the system,

there can't be many parties
of 12 booked in.

You're joking, aren't you?

There's that many stag parties
booked in here over Christmas

it's beginning to look like
an episode of It's-A Knockout.

[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]

Is it all right if we get a drink?
I'm starting to gag,

- and I don't do that very often.
- You can say that again.

Oh, hang on, you're not the jazz band,
are you?

- Jazz band?
- Middlesbrough Swing Association?

It's actually
Middlesbrough Swingers Association.

Thank you, Marvin.
Yes, you're quite right, that's us.

I knew there had to be
some kind of mistake.

[INHALES] Right, we've got
four triple rooms booked.

That's correct.

Hang on, four triples.
I thought you were six couples?

- Yes.
- Well, how come you've got four triples?

Uh, hello, we're a swingers association.

Thank you, Marvin.

- [CLEARS THROAT] We're on a budget.
- Budget.

Oh, right.
Well, you all need to fill a form in

and then it's one wristband each.

What instrument do you play!

Anything they put in front of me.

[TYRES SCREECHING]

Oi, Lewis Hamilton.

That sign on the motorway,


You do realise that's the limit,
not a target.

That was brilliant.

There you go.
The residence of Mr and Mrs Mel Harvey,

- Casa Blanca.
- Oh, my God, look at it!

MICHAEL: No way!
MICK: Casa Blanca?

How come it's painted orange?

- What do you mean?
- Well, what does Casa Blanca mean?

Oh, it's no use asking me,
I've never bothered with the lingo.

Here we go. Home sweet home.

MICK: Bloody hell!
JANICE: Oh, my God!

Right, I'll go get
the rest of the cases.

MICHAEL: Is this really where
me nana and Mel live?

Oh, yeah, unless what's-his-face
has got the wrong house.

Right, come on then,
let's go and have a look.

[LAUGHING] Well,
it's definitely Mel's house.

You can tell by the understated
elegance, just like his car.

How come Mel's got so much money!

He's a successful businessman.

[SCOFFS] Yeah, that, and he's got
long pockets and short arms.

You couldn't get a drink out of him
if your gob was on fire.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

That's my husband you're talking about.

[CHUCKLING] Bloody hell!
It's the creature from the Black Lagoon.

- MICHAEL: Nana!
- Hey, watch me mask!

- So what took you so long?
- Hiya, mam.

- [EXCLAIMING]
- JANICE: Ooh!

Oh, isn't this lovely!

Les brought us in the Benidorm car,
it's a convertible. It's brilliant!

You know, Mel's not back yet.

I'm running the whole place
single-handed.

Oh, well, at least you managed to
drag yourself out of bed by 10:50.

I've been up since 7:00.

I've just been in the outdoor jacuzzi.

- Oh, my God, you've got a jacuzzi!
- With the compliments of Mr Mel Harvey.

Well, bring it over here then instead of
standing there like a tit in a trance.

What the bloody hell's happened to you?

- What do you mean?
- What do I mean? You look fire damaged.

It's the new spray tans at work.

Mick tried one out
without reading the instructions.

It was you what sprayed me,
I kept asking you if I looked all right.

JANICE: Well, I didn't think
it would dry like that.

No, and it didn't. It got bloody darker.

I went from Gary Wilmot to Sammy Davis
junior in under half an hour.

If you two have come here to argue
you can all piss off back home.

I want a nice quiet Christmas.

It's a time for peace.
Good will to all men.

Oi! Where the frig do you think
you're going?

I want another drink.

So when's Mel back then?

Oh, he should have been back
two days ago.

It's been m*rder getting a flight.

There's a baggage handlers' strike
in Marrakech.

Lazy bastards!

Give them a flute and a snake in
a basket and they'll beg all day long.

He should be ringing soon.

Oh.

Eh!

- That's better.
- MICK: Bloody hell!

Thought it was gonna be
Arnold Schwarzenegger underneath.

I didn't expect the weather
to be like this, mam.

Who'd have thought we'd be outside
a couple of days before Christmas?

Oh, well, it's unpredictable.
If you get a cold day

and the wind changes direction,
you know about it.

Yeah, and your face stays like that.

- [MICK CHUCKLING]
- It's freezing in there!

Oh, well, you won't want
to go in again then, will ya?

- Can I have a go in the jacuzzi?
- No, you can't.

Where do you think you are?
Alton Towers?

Right, your bags are all in
and I've unpacked for ya.

I hope you don't mind me saying, Janice.

That cream floral print skirt
is absolutely gorgeous.

Oh, thanks.

Aye, I bet it goes lovely
with that plain, scoop necked blouse.

Right, I'll see you later.

MICK: Oh, aye.

What's with the Geordie knicker sniffer?

- He's our odd job man.
- Yeah, odd's the right word.

You want to keep your eye on that skirt.

If he borrows it,
it'll all be stretched to buggery.

Borrows it?

MADGE: Oh, Les!

- Mrs Harvey.
- Was that singer all right

in the Solana?

- JANICE: What singer's this?
- I don't know, somebody Mel's booked

for the Benidorm Palace Christmas Show.
I've never heard of her.

You did pick her up, didn't ya?

SU: Hello, Nick.
Yes, everything's great.

Turn your mobile off,
have a lovely Christmas

and I'll speak to you in the New Year.

Okay, then, lots of love. Adios.

- Solana.
- [THANKING IN SPANISH]

[MOUTHING]

That's one of them there.
I want you to keep your eye on them.

MATEO: But what are they doing?
JANEY: I don't know.

But as soon as I find out what it is
I'll have them all out.

- Excuse me, there's nobody on reception.
- Yeah, I'm on me way over now.

- Are you checking in?
- Oh, no. I work for Mel Harvey,

- proprietor of the Benidorm Palace.
- Oh, yeah. How are they doing up there?

Not bad, thanks, but it seems we've lost
the star of our Christmas show.

We've got her booked in here
for three nights,

single room, Su Pollard.

Oh, yeah, she's fantastic her.

Hi-de-Hi,
Ho-de-Ho!

- Aye, champion. Has she checked in?
- I saw her in a musical once as well,

- brilliant singing voice.
- Yeah, I know. Is she here?

Now, what was it?
Something about ships...

- Not Captain Pugwash.
- I just need to know..

Pirates of the Penzance!

- Has she arrived yet?
- Who?

- Su Pollard!
- Oh, no, I've not seen her.

Oh, bollocks!

Hey, hey!

- You're from the Benidorm Palace?
- Yeah.

You're having talent competition, no?

- That's right.
- Maybe I can dance for you.

Flamenco.

No, we've got enough
singers and dancers,

it's novelty acts that we're after,
to be honest.

Wait, wait, wait.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

Yes? Yes? wait, I have more.

Yeah, we'll let you know.

- Excuse me.
- Hello.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

Sorry, did I overhear you saying
you worked at the Benidorm Palace?

- Correct.
- Then you know Mel, Mel Harvey.

Oh, aye, he's me boss,

although he's away on business
at the moment.

Yeah, I'm Les.
I'm more or less in charge.

- How can I help you?
- Nice to know you, Les.

Well, I'm here with a party
of what you might call

very close friends,

and we were wondering
if you did any special deals

for your Christmas show tomorrow night.
You know,

bring 10 people, get two tickets free,
that kind of thing?

Yeah, just come up to the box office,

I'm sure I can sort
something out for ya.

Smashing, yeah.

So Mel and Madge are enjoying
living in Benidorm?

- We're personal friends of theirs.
- Well, you're obviously

not that friendly or you'd know
that they don't live in Benidorm,

they live in Altea.

- Oh, that's right, Altea. Nice place?
- Oh, aye, cracking villa.

Five bedrooms, outdoor jacuzzi,
swimming pool.

I expect they'll be having
a big Christmas lunch?

Oh, aye, they're getting
the caterers in.

Really! They do a Christmas dinner here
but they don't do all the trimmings,

and my wife, Jacqueline,
loves a good stuffing.

LES: Don't we all, mate? [LAUGHING]

- Yeah, I best be off.
- Thanks, Les.

- I'll get that group booking made.
- Yeah, you're welcome anytime.

Well, that was fascinating, wasn't it?

Let's have a sit down.

I've seen 'em demonstrate
a juicer before,

but it wasn't a patch on this.

Oh, who would have thought there were
so many ways to fold a blanket.

My point exactly.

I once went on a cruise
around the Med with my son

before we started coming here.

There was a woman doing a talk
on folding napkins.

Do you know I can now make a swan

giving birth to three cygnets
out of one 12-inch hanky!

[CHUCKLING]
You're an amazing woman, Noreen.

[CELL PHONE BEEPING]

That'll be me.

Oh, it's from Geoff.

Hope weather is good. Raining here.

Telle and Coolio send love.

Hope that shifty money-grabbing get

has not tried to jump your bones yet.

[LAUGHING]

- He has got a good sense of humour.
- [SCOFFS]

Your son doesn't like me, does he?

Well, he's very protective,
especially since the lottery win.

All sorts of people
came out of the woodwork.

And he didn't want you going on holiday
with a slippery old charmer

you've only known for five minutes.

Oh, no.

He didn't say you were charming.

I told him you were
an old Navy pal of his dad's,

- but he didn't seem to believe it.
- Ah, well.

Me and Don,
we got into some real scrapes.

It's a shame we lost touch.

I couldn't believe it when I bumped
into you after all these years.

Do you mean Ron?

Sorry?

You said me and Don
got into some real scrapes.

Did I?

Must be the heat.

And there's us buying blankets.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Right. Time for a siesta, I think.

Are we still on for that show tonight?

Uh... Um...

- My treat.
- Absolutely.

[SCATTING]

[GREETS IN SPANISH]

Oh, hello. Oh.

Merry Christmas.

- I'm booked in for two nights.
- Certainly.

- Could I have your passport, please?
- Oh, yes.

[THANKING IN SPANISH]

Miss Pollop.

Pollard.

Check in is not until 2:00,

but in the meantime we have a room
where you can leave your clothes.

Oh, brilliant! It's only a small case.

I cannot seem to find you on the system.

Do not worry. I'm sure that
you're hidden in one of my files.

Excuse me, hello.

There's a woman over there
with no clothes on.

- Yes.
- She's taken all her clothes off.

She's completely nude.

There's a fella as well.
It's all hanging out.

[WHISPERING] I see naked people.

[WHISPERING] So do I.

You've got no trousers on!

This is usually what you would expect
from a naturist hotel.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Oh, God, he's not going
to take his clothes off as well, is he?

No, no, no, he seems to think
that you have not paid your taxi fare.

What do you mean?
Everything's supposed to be paid for.

I have been booked to sing
at the Benidorm Palace tomorrow night.

- The Benidorm Palace.
- Yes.

You do know that you're
in the Solana Hotel in Murcia.

- You're not in Benidorm.
- What's the difference?

About 120 kilometres.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Pardon?

[TYRES SCREECHING]

There you go, I'll catch you all later.
I'm off to track down Su Pollard.

Right. But don't forget, you're
taking us into the old town tonight.

Aye, nay bother, Mrs H,
you know you can rely on me.

Oh, it might be Leslie picking you up,
but I know you're fine with that.

- Who's Leslie?
- Believe me, you don't want to know.

[TYRES SCREECHING]

[HORNS HONKING]

[MAN SHOUTS]

# If I were a tower of strength

# I'd walk away

# I'd look in your eyes
and here's what I'd say

# I don't want you

# I don't need you
I don't love you any more

# And I walk out the door #

No, no, no. Stop the music.

What's your name?

Asa. Asa Elliot.

Can you take some
constructive criticism?

Sure.

You were shite.

What're you talking about? He was good.

I'm not talking about the singing.
I'm talking about the act.

Why are you singing old, outdated songs?

- Well, that's kind of my act.
- Well, we don't want it here.

This is Mel Harvey's Benidorm Palace.

We're at the cutting edge
of show business.

We need something fresh and vital.

Something the kids today
are listening to.

Number 14.

# Yeah, I should have known it
from the very start

# This girl will leave me
with a broken heart

# Now listen people what I'm telling you

# I keep away from Runaround Sue

# Yeah, I miss her lips
and the smile on her face

# The touch on my hand
and this girl's warm embrace

# So if you don't wanna cry
like I do... #

Yeah, yeah, that's better!

You're through to the next round.

Yes!

- Is there another round?
- Oh, frigged if I know.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Finally, he bloody rings!

I'm here doing all the donkey work
while he's probably sitting somewhere

being fanned by a punkah-wallah.

Hello, my angel.

We were just talking about you.

- How's it all going?
- What's a punkah-wallah?

Haven't a clue.

Oh, it's all going really well.
We've got some cracking acts.

Have you managed to get a flight?

Oh.

Oh, sorry about that, I were just
rinsing through a pair of tights.

I've popped them
on the radiator for tonight.

Nowt worse than a damp gussett.

[LAUGHING]

MADGE: I'll pass you over.

It's Mel.
Wants to talk about Su Pollard.

Yeah. Hello, boss.

Well, her manager phoned me
this morning to say that she got

on the plane all right,
but we've heard nowt since.

She wasn't at arrivals.

We've checked the Solana.

But don't worry, Mr Harvey,
I'll track her down.

[MEL SHOUTING ON PHONE]

Give it here.

So, this Su Pollard, where is she then?

Your guess is as good as mine.

# Tomorrow, tomorrow
I love you tomorrow

# You're only a day away #

[PEOPLE APPLAUDING]

Enough money. Is that all right?

[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]

[PEOPLE MOANING]

I think they cannot hear
because they are making too much noise.

Well done, Einstein.

What do you do for an encore?
Count to 10?

[PEOPLE GRUNTING]

[BANGING]

Open this door. Now!

[PANTING]

Yes? Can I help you?

Can you help us?
Are you taking the piss?

- I'm sorry!
- What are you doing in there?

I fail to see
what concern that is of yours.

I'll tell you
what concern it is of mine.

I've got a pensioner
on a karaoke downstairs

been singing
Do They Know it's Christmas?

for the last 45 minutes.

'Cause every time the light dims,
the machine resets itself.

[PEOPLE MOANING LOUDLY]

[HANGING]

[PEOPLE APPLAUDING]

How many people have you got in there?

Donald, somebody else
will have to have a go.

I can't see properly.

NOREEN: That were a smashing night out.

Who'd have thought there was
sophisticated cabaret in every bar.

Sophisticated cabaret?

[SCOFFS] That last place had
an inflatable Pavarotti

singing Nessun Dorma
with a 10-foot penis.

Reminded me of my Ron.

He had a good pair of lungs on him.

Noreen.

Do you believe in destiny!

How do you mean?

Do you believe we all end up
with the right person?

Oh, I don't know.

I never had much choice.

There was only Ron
who asked to marry me.

Actually, I tell a lie,
there was another.

It were 1959,

and me and my twin sister, Doreen,

used to go to a dance
every Friday night.

Funny little fella in a bow tie

used to come up to me every week
and say,

"You are the most beautiful woman
I've ever clapped eyes on."

Four weeks on the trot he did that.

Just came up to me
and said the same thing.

I suppose nowadays

you'd get a restraining order
on someone like that.

But in them days,
we lead a more simple life.

I just got a friend of me dad's
to break his legs.

[BOTH EXCLAIMING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Well, don't just lie there. Get off me!

I can't, me back's locked, I can't move.

[GRUNTING]

Oh.

This is not what you think.

Oh.

Oh, dear.

[IN SPANISH AGENT] You are
Mr Michelle Clive and Mrs Norman Maltby.

No, the surname is Mitchell.
First name, Cliive.

And I'm Noreen, not Norman.

Please, Michele, Norman,

you are seriously charged,

and I nominate you to only spoke
when you are speaken to.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

You're charged with
entering on the beach,

which has a fine of 750 euros.



As you are both senior service,

we're willing to look up you both
with clementine

and we'll charge you 150 euros
for the miniature offence

of playing ball games
outside the desecrated areas.

Now, just a minute...

This is our final price.
You can leave it or take it.

We'll take it.

[ROCKIN' AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE]

We'll put Mel's presents under the tree,
he can have them when he gets back.

What time is his flight?

He said he'd be back
for his Christmas dinner

and Mel Harvey's word is his bond.

There can't be that many flights
on Christmas Day.

Right. Let's get this lot cleared up.

We don't want the place a mess
when he does get back.

Michael, you going to help me
start on the veg?

I don't like vegetables.

I'm not asking you to eat them,
I'm asking you to peel them.

No need for that, we've got
the caterers coming in half an hour.

The caterers on Christmas Day!

Of course, Mel doesn't like me
doing too much.

Hey, you want to be careful,

I heard you had to squeeze
your own toothpaste

out of your tube this morning.

Hey, we're having no arguing,
not on Christmas Day.

Mrs Harvey,
if you'd like to step outside,

your present from Mr Harvey's arrived.

What present?

What are you talking about?

Shall I do the honours, Mrs H?

- Ta-da!
- [ALL EXCLAIM]

What's he bought her an invalid car for?

It's not an invalid car.

- It's brilliant, dad! Can I have one?
- No, you can't.

- Don't you like it, mam?
- It's lovely.

Just thought Mel was
going to be sitting in it.

Thought that was
going to be the surprise.

It's an electric vehicle.

Too small to be classed as a car,
so you don't need a license.

What, so she drives all around the house
in a wheelchair

then comes out here and gets into this.
Brilliant.

What's he going to do for her birthday,
get her legs chopped off?

- Oh.
- [LAUGHING]

Right, then. I'll be off, Mrs H.

Yeah. Merry Christmas.

Are you going anywhere nice
for your Christmas dinner?

Well...

No, no. I was going to see
what was open in Benidorm like.

I haven't got any family here in Spain.

Oh, why don't you stay here?

- Well...
- Mam?

What?

Les hasn't got anywhere
to have Christmas dinner.

- Yeah, I heard him.
- Well, he can have it here, can't he?

- Mam?
- What?

Oh, for God's sake!

Les, do you want to stay here
and have your Christmas dinner with us?

Well, I don't want to impose...

There you go, he doesn't want to impose.

- But if you're offering.
- Yeah, we are. Aren't we, mam?

- Are we?
- Yes! It's Christmas!

- The more the merrier.
- [LAUGHS]

[Car horn HONKING]

That'll be Mel!

[GREETING IN SPANISH]

What the frig do you want?

Hello, there! Merry Christmas.

Madge, how are you?

It's Mick, isn't it?

You all right? What you doing here?

We're guests of Les!

Bumped into him in the Solana,
didn't we?

He said to drop by anytime.

I think there might have been
a bit of confusion,

I was actually talking about
the Benidorm Palace...

Oh, that's all right.
We're coming there tonight as well.

What a fabulous place!

Ah, well, as Janice said,
the more the merrier!

Oh, he's won it again!

[ALL CHATTERING]

Oh! That were a good one.

Try ringing him again, mam.

He said he'd be back
for his Christmas dinner,

I don't know what's going on.

Well, can't we just start without him?
I'm bloody starving!

- Stop it!
- What?

Right, right!

[GLASS CLINKING]

If I could have your attention, please.

I think we should say grace.

Grace? Bloody hell,
watch out for the bolt of lightning.

And what's that supposed to mean?

Well, it's a bit hypocritical.

When was the last time
you went to church?

What's that got to do with it?

Oh, Donald used to be a lay preacher
in the '70s, if you'd like him to do it.

[LAUGHS] Oh, Jesus Christ,
I've heard it all now.

Oh, do you mind,
blaspheming at the table?

When did you turn into
the Archbishop of Canterbury!

Don't listen to him, mam.

If you want to say a prayer
before we eat you go ahead.

Yeah, come on, Mrs H.

Want me to turn the music off for you?

Oh, no, no, no. Forget it,

he's spoilt the moment now.
Frig the lot of you.

There you go.
Spoken like a true Christian.

I would like to say how lovely it is
to have wonderful family

and friends here on such a special day.

Friends? Two of them weren't invited,
the other one works for your mother.

I think you'll find we've cleared up
that little misunderstanding.

Oh, misunderstanding?

You just want a Christmas dinner,
I know you two.

You'd have a poke in the eye
if you thought it were free.

All right, that's enough!
What's wrong with you?

- Well, she started it.
- No, I didn't.

It's Christmas Day! Peace on Earth.

You don't have to be Christian
to want a bit of that.

- Hear hear.
- [DOORBELL RINGING]

- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Who the bloody hell is that?

- I'll go.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]

It's Mel.

- Well, give it here.
- Hang on.

- Hiya, Mel, what's going on?
- LES: It's you.

I don't even care
if they've got a champagne reception.

The way they've treated me
is totally unacceptable. I'm fed up!

Right. which one of you is Mel Harvey!

Oh, Christ!

No, no, no. Everything's all right, Mel.

I'm just moving to another room
so you can hear me.

He's not here. He's away on business.

Su, we've been looking everywhere
for you. Where have you been?

Where have I been?
I have been stuck in a nudist colony,

singing show tunes
to saggy 60 year olds,

trying to raise the money
to get back here!

Well, look who it is, we meet again.

- I beg your pardon?
- You've got some cheek coming in here.

I might sometimes forgive,
but by God I never forget.

- Why didn't you just phone us?
- I didn't have your number.

Anyway, I wouldn't have needed it

if I'd been taken to the right place
from the airport!

Oh, yes, it's just one excuse
after another, isn't it?

Mother, keep out of it.

Mel sent Les to collect you
from the airport,

but you didn't turn up. Did she?

You? You were at the airport!
I even spoke to you!

I had a sign. I kept turning it around.

A sign? What do you mean a sign?
It's Su Pollard.

I do a lot of dressmaking at home,

so I don't get a chance
to see much telly.

You don't watch much telly!
You're taking the piss, aren't you?

It's Su Pollard. Hi-de-Hi!

- Ho-di-Ho!
- [LAUGHING] Sorry.

Oh, believe me,
if I'd known it was you coming

I'd have met you at the airport myself,

to kick you up the arse
and send you packing.

Sorry, have we met?

Let's just calm down.
She's here now, so there's no problem.

Have we met?

[EXCLAIMING] That is a good one!

Do you know what she's on about?

Not got a clue, love,
but that's nothing new to be honest.

Bradford Alhambra, 1986.

I asked you for your autograph
and you completely ignored me!



Oh, don't try and wriggle out of it,
I'd know you anywhere!

You might act the clown,
but I know what you are.

Pig ignorant!

I beg your pardon?

Well, you can piss off!

You're about as funny as earache.

We wouldn't have you on our show
if you were the last act in Benidorm.

Good!

Because after the flipping nightmare
you've given me

I'll be getting you Equity blacklisted!

You won't even be able
to book a pub singer.

You'll be out of business
before the new year!

You can't just leave.
Without you, we haven't got a show.

You should have thought of that
before Nelly the Elephant

remembered something
that didn't happen 25 years ago!

[GROWLS] Get out of my house now!

[CRASHING]

With pleasure!

[EXCLAIMS]

I hope you choke on your mixed veg!

For God's sake, mother,
what's come over you?

I knew she wouldn't remember me.

Mother, it was 25 years ago!

Rude, vile pig.

And a bloody menace to society.

- That's a bit over the top, isn't it?
- Oh, you think so, do you?

You want to thank God she didn't bring
that bloody emu with her as well!

Emu?

I'll never forgive her for what she did
to that Michael Parkinson.

He didn't see
the funny side of it either.

Mother, that was Rod Hull.

You what?

Oh, dear!

The one with the emu, it was Rod Hull.
He's a fella.

- That one with the puppet?
- JANICE: Yeah.

Rod Hull and Emu.

Oh, yeah. Of course it was.

So who was that then?

That was the star of our Christmas show.

Mr Harvey isn't going to be very happy.

Where's Mel? I want to speak to him.

He had to go, he'll call later.

What's going on? Is he coming home?

He's gonna call back!

- What's going on?
- I'll tell you later.

May we make a suggestion?

We have a friend who has a holiday home
in nearby Murcia.

He tends to shy away from publicity
when he's not working.

But I could check and see
if he's here for Christmas.

We know all about your friends.
This is sophisticated cabaret.

We don't want some bollock naked nutter
singing Ding Dong Merrily on High.

Oh, no, he's very good.

He's even been on Top of the Pops.

Top of the Pops, you say?

Oh, yes!

# Everybody loves somebody sometime

# Everybody falls in love somehow

# Something in your kiss just told me

# My sometime is now... #

Why didn't he just tell her
he'd been taken into hospital there?

At least she'd know where he was.

He didn't want to panic her
and he still doesn't.

How long has he been there?

- Three days.
- Oh, my God!

Look, Mel says it's not as bad
as the doctors are making out.

Reckons he's gonna be home
this time tomorrow.

And what if he's not?

Then we'll go to him.

Mother?

How do you think the show is going?

It's brilliant!

- Just relax.
- Relax?

How can I relax?

Mel should be here.

Oh, I tell you, if I find out he's been
able to get a flight back all this time

and he's just been
out there gallivanting,

I'll swing for him.

Don't be daft. Why would he do that?

Your Scottish clown
never brought his mate,

so that's the end of the show ruined.

Some bloody Christmas this is.

Enjoying the show, son?

Yeah, it's good.

Gents are spotless, Mrs H.

Hey, you could eat your dinner
off that floor.

Eh, we were just...

Just saying...

Brilliant show!

It's not very Christmassy.

Ah, well, you see,

Su Pollard was going to do
a whole Christmas medley at the end.

- I'll grab the mic and do a few numbers?
- No, you're all right.

We need someone to stop the show,
not just slow it down a bit.

Just spoke to our friend,
he's on his way.

Oh, aye, my husband said that
three days ago.

If you want someone to fill in
till he gets here,

I do the odd impression.

No, I don't think h*tler's right
for this type of crowd.

- It's too many memories.
- Freddie Starr used to get away with it.

Oliver Hardy.
Jacqueline and I used to do

on the Trail of the Lonesome Pine
at parties.

[CHUCKLING]

If you could find a pair of bowler hats.

Yeah, I think I've got
a couple in me car.

Dickhead!

[ALL APPLAUDING]

Thank you.

Noreen...

I have a rather large
confession to make.

Oh yes?

I'm not sure how to say this,

but I wasn't a friend
of your late husband.

Well, you'll pardon me if I don't
fall off me chair in amazement.

I realise it will come
as a bit of a shock... You what?

Of course I know
you didn't know me husband.

You didn't even get his name right.

The thing is Clive, I've had a lot of
male attention since my lottery win.

But, really, I'm as guilty as you.

You see,
what I didn't tell people was...

well, it were only £4,000.

I haven't really got any money at all.

What are you talking about?

I'm not after your money.

It's me.

The funny little bloke with the bow tie?

Rivington Dance Hall?

You what?

I don't want your money. I want you.

Noreen, I waited 50 years
to say this again.

I think you are the most beautiful woman
I have ever clapped eyes on.

Marry me?

[EXCLAIMS]

- Oh!
- [ALL APPLAUDING]

Rubbish! Try it again! Try it again!

Mother, that was amazing!

I didn't feel a thing!

ANNOUNCED; And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

senors and senoritas,

Mel Harvey's Benidorm Palace
is proud to present

the star of our show!

MADGE: Brilliant.

We're finished.

Looks like we're going to need them
bowler hats after all.

Oh, sod the bowler hats.

This is supposed to be a Christmas show!

[BAND MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Oh, my God! Look who it is!

It's Catweazle!

It's Gandalf!

It's Roy Wood!

Roy Wood!

# If you jump into your bed

# Quickly cover up your head

# Don't you lock the doors

# You know that sweet Santa Claus
is on the way

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas
every day

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

# When the kids start singing
and the band begins to play

Hello?

Yeah?

Yeah, what did you say again?
I just... Yeah, speak up a bit louder.

Yeah, I'm his son-in-law, Mick Garvey.

Yeah, Mick Garvey.

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Uh, yes.

Yeah, I'm with her now.

Yeah, I can't really speak
at the moment.

All right. What do you want us to do?

OK!

Yeah.

Okay. Thank you.

# I wish it could be Christmas every day

# Let the bells ring out
for Christmas

# I wish it could be Christmas every day

[INAUDIBLE]

# When the kids start singing
and the band begins to play

[SCATTING]

# I wish it could be Christmas every day

# Let the bells ring out
for Christmas

Okay, you lot, take it!

# Well, I wish it could
be Christmas every day

# Christmas time

# Oh, when the kids start singing
and the band begins to play

# I wish it could be Christmas every day

# Let the bells ring out
for Christmas

# Why don't you give your love

# for Christmas? #

[VOCALISING]

[ALL APPLAUDING]

Oh, Mel.

[CRYING]

Go on, Michael, get a present.

I don't want one.

Granddad said it would snow
on Christmas Day.

Come here, son.

[SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW PLAYING]

Oh!

You have got to be kidding.