Announcer: "the boy in the
plastic pants suit" will not be
seen tonight so that nbc may
Plastic pants suit" will not be
seen tonight so that nbc may
present the following special
Seen tonight so that nbc may
present the following special
program.
Present the following special
program.
[Trumpet plays
Program.
[Trumpet plays
"hail to the chief"]
[Trumpet plays
"hail to the chief"]
[cheers and applause]
Good evening.
Some of you may know me.
Some of you may not.
Anyway, from the years 1969
Through 1974, I was president of
The united states.
Now, when I was president, i-i
did some bad things.
Made people hate me.
Did some bad things.
Made people hate me.
I left that executive office
Made people hate me.
I left that executive office
under scandalous circumstances
I left that executive office
under scandalous circumstances
and went on to write a big book
Under scandalous circumstances
and went on to write a big book
about it.
And went on to write a big book
about it.
But everybody hates me so much,
About it.
But everybody hates me so much,
they're not buying the book.
But everybody hates me so much,
they're not buying the book.
In fact, in... In washington,
They're not buying the book.
In fact, in... In washington,
they have a lobby, "don't buy
In fact, in... In washington,
they have a lobby, "don't buy
books by crooks."
They have a lobby, "don't buy
books by crooks."
Well...
Books by crooks."
Well...
When I lost the race for
Well...
When I lost the race for
governor of california in '62, I
When I lost the race for
governor of california in '62, I
recall saying, "you won't have
Governor of california in '62, I
recall saying, "you won't have
d*ck nixon to kick around
Recall saying, "you won't have
d*ck nixon to kick around
anymore."
d*ck nixon to kick around
anymore."
Well, that phrase caught on.
Anymore."
Well, that phrase caught on.
People really seemed to like it.
Well, that phrase caught on.
People really seemed to like it.
As things turned out, you don't
People really seemed to like it.
As things turned out, you don't
have d*ck nixon to kick around
As things turned out, you don't
have d*ck nixon to kick around
anymore.
Have d*ck nixon to kick around
anymore.
But now you have my book.
Anymore.
But now you have my book.
So, if you hate me, buy the book
But now you have my book.
So, if you hate me, buy the book
and kick it around.
So, if you hate me, buy the book
and kick it around.
You don't have to read it,
And kick it around.
You don't have to read it,
although I originally wrote it
You don't have to read it,
although I originally wrote it
to be read.
Although I originally wrote it
to be read.
Just... Just buy it and give it
To be read.
Just... Just buy it and give it
a boot.
Just... Just buy it and give it
a boot.
Really, if you're mad at me,
A boot.
Really, if you're mad at me,
kick the book around the house
Really, if you're mad at me,
kick the book around the house
for an hour or two.
Kick the book around the house
for an hour or two.
Why, pat's already on her fourth
For an hour or two.
Why, pat's already on her fourth
copy.
Why, pat's already on her fourth
copy.
Now, here's the book... "R.n."
Copy.
Now, here's the book... "R.n."
That doesn't stand for
Now, here's the book... "R.n."
That doesn't stand for
"registered nurse."
That doesn't stand for
"registered nurse."
[Laughs]
"Registered nurse."
[Laughs]
$19.95, and that's something
[Laughs]
$19.95, and that's something
they slipped by me.
$19.95, and that's something
they slipped by me.
I thought the price was gonna be
They slipped by me.
I thought the price was gonna be
12 or 14 bucks, but I got the
I thought the price was gonna be
12 or 14 bucks, but I got the
first copy, and there it was...
12 Or 14 bucks, but I got the
first copy, and there it was...
$19.95.
First copy, and there it was...
$19.95.
$19.95... The publishers sleazed
$19.95.
$19.95... The publishers sleazed
it right by me.
$19.95... The publishers sleazed
it right by me.
Anyway, buy the book.
It right by me.
Anyway, buy the book.
Now, think about how hard you
Anyway, buy the book.
Now, think about how hard you
would kick me if we ever met and
Now, think about how hard you
would kick me if we ever met and
just put the boots to it.
Would kick me if we ever met and
just put the boots to it.
Now, let me make this even more
Just put the boots to it.
Now, let me make this even more
clear.
Now, let me make this even more
clear.
I've asked two members of my
Clear.
I've asked two members of my
san clemente united states
I've asked two members of my
san clemente united states
marine corps honor guard to
San clemente united states
marine corps honor guard to
assist me.
Marine corps honor guard to
assist me.
Corpsman gerard wagner,
Assist me.
Corpsman gerard wagner,
corpsman ron quinn.
Corpsman gerard wagner,
corpsman ron quinn.
Do you think I'm a crook?
Corpsman ron quinn.
Do you think I'm a crook?
Take it out on the book.
Do you think I'm a crook?
Take it out on the book.
Corpsman.
Take it out on the book.
Corpsman.
[Whistle blows]
Corpsman.
[Whistle blows]
placekick, please.
[Whistle blows]
placekick, please.
Live from new york, it's
Placekick, please.
Live from new york, it's
"saturday night"!
Live from new york, it's
"saturday night"!
[Band plays]
Announcer: it's...
Starring...
With his special guests...
Starring...
With his special guests...
The comedy team of...
With his special guests...
The comedy team of...
And...
The comedy team of...
And...
John belushi...
And...
John belushi...
Jane curtin...
John belushi...
Jane curtin...
Garrett morris...
Jane curtin...
Garrett morris...
Bill murray...
Garrett morris...
Bill murray...
Laraine newman...
Bill murray...
Laraine newman...
And...
Laraine newman...
And...
Ladies and gentlemen,
And...
Ladies and gentlemen,
buck henry.
Ladies and gentlemen,
buck henry.
[Cheers and applause]
Thank you all very much.
It is very nice to be back here
and an honor to be back here for
It is very nice to be back here
and an honor to be back here for
the last show of the third
And an honor to be back here for
the last show of the third
season of this extraordinary
The last show of the third
season of this extraordinary
show.
Season of this extraordinary
show.
Uh... I...
Show.
Uh... I...
[Cheers and applause]
Uh... I...
[Cheers and applause]
i, uh... I did the last show of
[Cheers and applause]
i, uh... I did the last show of
last season, and I've
I, uh... I did the last show of
last season, and I've
sometimes... I suppose you've
Last season, and I've
sometimes... I suppose you've
wondered, and I've wondered why
Sometimes... I suppose you've
wondered, and I've wondered why
I'm back again to do the last
Wondered, and I've wondered why
I'm back again to do the last
show of this season, because, I
I'm back again to do the last
show of this season, because, I
mean, they have some quite
Show of this season, because, I
mean, they have some quite
incredible hosts.
Mean, they have some quite
incredible hosts.
Last week was richard dreyfuss,
Incredible hosts.
Last week was richard dreyfuss,
the winner of an academy award.
Last week was richard dreyfuss,
the winner of an academy award.
A few weeks ago, steve martin,
The winner of an academy award.
A few weeks ago, steve martin,
perhaps the fastest-rising young
A few weeks ago, steve martin,
perhaps the fastest-rising young
comic of our time.
Perhaps the fastest-rising young
comic of our time.
And I think, when you really
Comic of our time.
And I think, when you really
come down to it, what it is...
And I think, when you really
come down to it, what it is...
And I say this, I think, without
Come down to it, what it is...
And I say this, I think, without
any false sense of pride or
And I say this, I think, without
any false sense of pride or
modesty... That what it probably
Any false sense of pride or
modesty... That what it probably
is is that the
Modesty... That what it probably
is is that the
"saturday night live" show
Is is that the
"saturday night live" show
accepts the fact that, from me,
"Saturday night live" show
accepts the fact that, from me,
they gain a sense of... What
Accepts the fact that, from me,
they gain a sense of... What
shall I call it? Class.
They gain a sense of... What
shall I call it? Class.
I mean, after all, I have been,
Shall I call it? Class.
I mean, after all, I have been,
for the last year or so, working
I mean, after all, I have been,
for the last year or so, working
on a major motion picture called
For the last year or so, working
on a major motion picture called
"heaven can wait" with some
On a major motion picture called
"heaven can wait" with some
quite extraordinary people.
"Heaven can wait" with some
quite extraordinary people.
I've been with them for a year.
Quite extraordinary people.
I've been with them for a year.
James mason, julie christie, and
I've been with them for a year.
James mason, julie christie, and
my good friend and producer of
James mason, julie christie, and
my good friend and producer of
the film and star of the film
My good friend and producer of
the film and star of the film
and codirector of the film,
The film and star of the film
and codirector of the film,
mr. Warren beatty, who has
And codirector of the film,
mr. Warren beatty, who has
become a real pal of mine, a
Mr. Warren beatty, who has
become a real pal of mine, a
real friend, and a wonderful,
Become a real pal of mine, a
real friend, and a wonderful,
wonderful guy to work with.
Uh, I mean, we've been together
Now for alm... For, I guess,
Every day for a year.
And julie christie has been with
Us, too, and she's a wonderful
Girl.
And I can tell you terrific
Stories about her if I had the
Time.
All of us working together in
This kind of enterprise, I
Think, doing something as big as
A picture like this gives my
Career and the "saturday night"
Show a sense of working on
Something, a perspective of
Something larger than just a
Weekly television show.
I think the way I live, for
Instance, the way I live in
Hollywood, the way I conduct
Myself both professionally and
In my private life lends a kind
Of dignity to the show that most
Guests can't give it.
[Laughter]
My home in hollywood, I think,
Epitomizes perhaps what people
Like myself... What can I say
About it?
It's... It's not garish, but it
Represents a kind of classiness
And a kind of hollywood success
That most people understand and
Go for and perhaps envy a
Little.
And this show certainly can use
Some of it.
I think... I think they're fine
People here, and they understand
Exactly what they're doing when
They asked me to come out here
And say some things to you about
Them and about myself and about
What kind of person I am that I
Deserve to be here.
I've... I've done this a few
Times, and I think I'm proudest
Of this... Of this time because
I know how I'm helping them out
Of a tight spot, being the last
Show of the year.
And I know warren, if he were
Here, would probably say the
Same thing because... Not only
Because he's my buddy, but
Because, uh... Because he's got
That same sense of show business
And the same feeling for me and
For all of you built in.
So, I want to thank you for this
Opportunity to talk to you, and
We'll be right back.
[Applause]
[Piano playing
"heart and soul"]
Oh, lisa, you look so lovely.
Thanks, mom.
Oh, now, before todd gets
Thanks, mom.
Oh, now, before todd gets
here to escort you to the prom,
Oh, now, before todd gets
here to escort you to the prom,
I thought we'd take a moment
Here to escort you to the prom,
I thought we'd take a moment
just to have a little
I thought we'd take a moment
just to have a little
heart-to-heart, you know, just
Just to have a little
heart-to-heart, you know, just
mother to daughter.
Heart-to-heart, you know, just
mother to daughter.
Okeydokey.
Lisa, you've blossomed into
quite a beauty.
You know, sometimes when we go
Quite a beauty.
You know, sometimes when we go
to the shoprite, I see the
You know, sometimes when we go
to the shoprite, I see the
checkers staring at you.
To the shoprite, I see the
checkers staring at you.
Oh, mom, that's just your
Checkers staring at you.
Oh, mom, that's just your
imagination.
Oh, mom, that's just your
imagination.
Oh, no, lisa.
Imagination.
Oh, no, lisa.
You're not a little girl
Oh, no, lisa.
You're not a little girl
anymore, and you have to be
You're not a little girl
anymore, and you have to be
aware of the effect you have on
Anymore, and you have to be
aware of the effect you have on
the male of the species.
Aware of the effect you have on
the male of the species.
Now, take todd, for instance.
The male of the species.
Now, take todd, for instance.
When that perfectly nice young
Now, take todd, for instance.
When that perfectly nice young
man feasts his eyes on you in
When that perfectly nice young
man feasts his eyes on you in
that getup, his hormones are
Man feasts his eyes on you in
that getup, his hormones are
going to go berserk.
That getup, his hormones are
going to go berserk.
Oh, mom, I don't like todd in
Going to go berserk.
Oh, mom, I don't like todd in
that way.
Oh, mom, I don't like todd in
that way.
Well, you don't have to like
That way.
Well, you don't have to like
someone to love them, lisa.
Well, you don't have to like
someone to love them, lisa.
Your father, the late
Someone to love them, lisa.
Your father, the late
mr. Loopner...
Your father, the late
mr. Loopner...
Both: god rest his soul.
Mr. Loopner...
Both: god rest his soul.
Your father and I never liked
Both: god rest his soul.
Your father and I never liked
each other, but our love
Your father and I never liked
each other, but our love
triumphed over our mutual
Each other, but our love
triumphed over our mutual
dislike.
Triumphed over our mutual
dislike.
I did my wifely duty, and you're
Dislike.
I did my wifely duty, and you're
the living proof of that.
I did my wifely duty, and you're
the living proof of that.
Mom, you don't have to worry
The living proof of that.
Mom, you don't have to worry
about me going all the way with
Mom, you don't have to worry
about me going all the way with
todd.
About me going all the way with
todd.
I'm saving myself for my one
Todd.
I'm saving myself for my one
true love... Marvin hamlisch.
I'm saving myself for my one
true love... Marvin hamlisch.
Oh, he's cute.
True love... Marvin hamlisch.
Oh, he's cute.
Yeah.
Oh, he's cute.
Yeah.
Now, lisa, what I'm about to
Yeah.
Now, lisa, what I'm about to
say is very hard for me to say.
Now, lisa, what I'm about to
say is very hard for me to say.
Lisa dear, making a baby is
Say is very hard for me to say.
Lisa dear, making a baby is
like... It's, um...
Lisa dear, making a baby is
like... It's, um...
It's like making egg salad.
Like... It's, um...
It's like making egg salad.
You, the woman, produce the
It's like making egg salad.
You, the woman, produce the
eggs, and the man furnishes the
You, the woman, produce the
eggs, and the man furnishes the
mayonnaise.
Eggs, and the man furnishes the
mayonnaise.
Of course, you don't need
Mayonnaise.
Of course, you don't need
chopped celery fo...
Of course, you don't need
chopped celery fo...
Oh, I've just given you my
Chopped celery fo...
Oh, I've just given you my
egg-salad recipe, and I was
Oh, I've just given you my
egg-salad recipe, and I was
saving that for your
Egg-salad recipe, and I was
saving that for your
21st birthday.
Saving that for your
21st birthday.
Mom, I know the facts of
21St birthday.
Mom, I know the facts of
life.
Mom, I know the facts of
life.
You know, I got an "a" in
Life.
You know, I got an "a" in
health.
You know, I got an "a" in
health.
[Doorbell rings]
Health.
[Doorbell rings]
oh, it's him.
[Doorbell rings]
oh, it's him.
Well, half an hour early on
Oh, it's him.
Well, half an hour early on
the button.
Well, half an hour early on
the button.
That's our todd.
The button.
That's our todd.
Mom, mom, don't let him in
That's our todd.
Mom, mom, don't let him in
till I get upstairs.
Mom, mom, don't let him in
till I get upstairs.
Okay.
Till I get upstairs.
Okay.
Hello, mrs. Loopner.
Okay.
Hello, mrs. Loopner.
You've met my chauffeur,
Hello, mrs. Loopner.
You've met my chauffeur,
marshall "dad" dilabounta.
You've met my chauffeur,
marshall "dad" dilabounta.
Hello, marshall.
Marshall "dad" dilabounta.
Hello, marshall.
Both: [smooch]
Hello, marshall.
Both: [smooch]
always a pleasure, enid.
Both: [smooch]
always a pleasure, enid.
[Gasps]
Always a pleasure, enid.
[Gasps]
don't we look handsome, todd?
[Gasps]
don't we look handsome, todd?
Thank you, mrs. Loopner.
Don't we look handsome, todd?
Thank you, mrs. Loopner.
John ravolta, watch out!
Thank you, mrs. Loopner.
John ravolta, watch out!
[Laughs]
John ravolta, watch out!
[Laughs]
my dad's a poor thing.
[Laughs]
my dad's a poor thing.
[Light laughter]
My dad's a poor thing.
[Light laughter]
so, where's the belle of the
[Light laughter]
so, where's the belle of the
ball?
So, where's the belle of the
ball?
Oh, she's upstairs making
Ball?
Oh, she's upstairs making
herself beautiful.
Oh, she's upstairs making
herself beautiful.
[Chuckles]
Herself beautiful.
[Chuckles]
va-va-va-voom!
[Chuckles]
va-va-va-voom!
[Chuckles]
Va-va-va-voom!
[Chuckles]
thank you, mr. Dilabounta.
[Chuckles]
thank you, mr. Dilabounta.
Well, since we seem to be
Thank you, mr. Dilabounta.
Well, since we seem to be
handing out compliments, that's
Well, since we seem to be
handing out compliments, that's
a stunning housecoat you're
Handing out compliments, that's
a stunning housecoat you're
wearing, mrs. Loopner.
A stunning housecoat you're
wearing, mrs. Loopner.
Why, thank you, todd.
Wearing, mrs. Loopner.
Why, thank you, todd.
It's not hard to see where
Why, thank you, todd.
It's not hard to see where
lisa gets her good looks.
It's not hard to see where
lisa gets her good looks.
Oh, flattery will get you
Lisa gets her good looks.
Oh, flattery will get you
everywhere, but don't let my
Oh, flattery will get you
everywhere, but don't let my
daughter hear you say that.
Everywhere, but don't let my
daughter hear you say that.
[Laughter]
Daughter hear you say that.
[Laughter]
can I get anyone a beverage?
[Laughter]
can I get anyone a beverage?
Marshall, would you come out and
Can I get anyone a beverage?
Marshall, would you come out and
help me?
Marshall, would you come out and
help me?
Oh, sure, let us old fogies
Help me?
Oh, sure, let us old fogies
leave the young folks alone.
Oh, sure, let us old fogies
leave the young folks alone.
[Both chuckle]
Well, you look nice, I guess.
So do you.
Here, I got you this.
So do you.
Here, I got you this.
Oh, thanks, todd.
Here, I got you this.
Oh, thanks, todd.
Oh, this is really beautiful,
Oh, thanks, todd.
Oh, this is really beautiful,
todd.
Oh, this is really beautiful,
todd.
It's a wrist corsage.
Todd.
It's a wrist corsage.
You wear it on your wrist.
It's a wrist corsage.
You wear it on your wrist.
Thanks.
You wear it on your wrist.
Thanks.
This is your graduation gift
Thanks.
This is your graduation gift
from me.
This is your graduation gift
from me.
Really?
From me.
Really?
Aah!
Really?
Aah!
Noogie patrol!
Aah!
Noogie patrol!
Aah!
Noogie patrol!
Aah!
Here's those special prom
Aah!
Here's those special prom
noogies that you ordered.
Here's those special prom
noogies that you ordered.
Ha!
Noogies that you ordered.
Ha!
You sent away for those, didn't
Ha!
You sent away for those, didn't
you?
You sent away for those, didn't
you?
Quit it, pizza face.
You?
Quit it, pizza face.
You're messing up my hair.
Quit it, pizza face.
You're messing up my hair.
Boy, are you ever immature.
You're messing up my hair.
Boy, are you ever immature.
Say, uh, are there any new
Boy, are you ever immature.
Say, uh, are there any new
developments?
Say, uh, are there any new
developments?
Aah, stop!
Developments?
Aah, stop!
I guess not.
Aah, stop!
I guess not.
Say, you know, you really ought
I guess not.
Say, you know, you really ought
to put some band-aids on those
Say, you know, you really ought
to put some band-aids on those
mosquito bites you got over
To put some band-aids on those
mosquito bites you got over
there.
Mosquito bites you got over
there.
That's so funny I forgot to
There.
That's so funny I forgot to
laugh.
That's so funny I forgot to
laugh.
Look here, look here.
Laugh.
Look here, look here.
Oh, who's for some tang?
Look here, look here.
Oh, who's for some tang?
Me.
Oh, who's for some tang?
Me.
Me, mom.
Me.
Me, mom.
There you go, todd.
Me, mom.
There you go, todd.
Thanks, mom.
There you go, todd.
Thanks, mom.
Thanks, mrs. Loopner.
Thanks, mom.
Thanks, mrs. Loopner.
Thank you, enid.
Thanks, mrs. Loopner.
Thank you, enid.
You know, marshall, as a
Thank you, enid.
You know, marshall, as a
single parent, I've had to be
You know, marshall, as a
single parent, I've had to be
both mother and father to lisa.
Single parent, I've had to be
both mother and father to lisa.
And you've done a terrific
Both mother and father to lisa.
And you've done a terrific
job, mrs. Loopner.
And you've done a terrific
job, mrs. Loopner.
Oh, thank you, todd.
Job, mrs. Loopner.
Oh, thank you, todd.
Uh, enid, I hope this isn't
Oh, thank you, todd.
Uh, enid, I hope this isn't
indelicate, but how did... How
Uh, enid, I hope this isn't
indelicate, but how did... How
did mr. Loopner pass away?
Indelicate, but how did... How
did mr. Loopner pass away?
He was born without a spine.
Did mr. Loopner pass away?
He was born without a spine.
It was always just a matter of
He was born without a spine.
It was always just a matter of
time.
It was always just a matter of
time.
And... And what exactly did
Time.
And... And what exactly did
he do for a living?
And... And what exactly did
he do for a living?
Oh, didn't you know?
He do for a living?
Oh, didn't you know?
He invented the slinky.
Oh, didn't you know?
He invented the slinky.
Yeah, unfortunately, he
He invented the slinky.
Yeah, unfortunately, he
didn't call it the slinky, and
Yeah, unfortunately, he
didn't call it the slinky, and
he didn't patent it, but he sued
Didn't call it the slinky, and
he didn't patent it, but he sued
the slinky people for
He didn't patent it, but he sued
the slinky people for
$5 million, and he lost.
The slinky people for
$5 million, and he lost.
[Light laughter]
$5 Million, and he lost.
[Light laughter]
good tang.
[Light laughter]
good tang.
Prom night, prom night.
Good tang.
Prom night, prom night.
I-i envy you kids.
Prom night, prom night.
I-i envy you kids.
I know I'll never forget my
I-i envy you kids.
I know I'll never forget my
senior prom.
I know I'll never forget my
senior prom.
The theme was "from here to
Senior prom.
The theme was "from here to
fraternity."
The theme was "from here to
fraternity."
[Laughs]
Fraternity."
[Laughs]
our theme is "close
[Laughs]
our theme is "close
encounters of the prom kind."
Our theme is "close
encounters of the prom kind."
Oh, hey, kids!
Encounters of the prom kind."
Oh, hey, kids!
How about a picture?
Oh, hey, kids!
How about a picture?
As todd knows, I'm... I'm
How about a picture?
As todd knows, I'm... I'm
something of a shutterbug.
As todd knows, I'm... I'm
something of a shutterbug.
Aw, come on, todd.
Something of a shutterbug.
Aw, come on, todd.
Oh, stand up so we can see
Aw, come on, todd.
Oh, stand up so we can see
your outfits.
Oh, stand up so we can see
your outfits.
Wait.
Your outfits.
Wait.
Okay, ready now?
Wait.
Okay, ready now?
Cheese!
Okay, ready now?
Cheese!
Say "cheese!"
Cheese!
Say "cheese!"
Cheese!
Say "cheese!"
Cheese!
Doo-dah, doo-dah.
Cheese!
Doo-dah, doo-dah.
Oh, I saw that, todd.
Doo-dah, doo-dah.
Oh, I saw that, todd.
40 Lashes with a wet noodle.
Oh, I saw that, todd.
40 Lashes with a wet noodle.
[Laughter]
40 Lashes with a wet noodle.
[Laughter]
[gasps]
[Laughter]
[gasps]
oh, I don't want my little girl
[Gasps]
oh, I don't want my little girl
to turn into a pumpkin even
Oh, I don't want my little girl
to turn into a pumpkin even
before she's gone to the ball.
To turn into a pumpkin even
before she's gone to the ball.
Well, that's why I'm here.
Before she's gone to the ball.
Well, that's why I'm here.
Have car, will travel.
Well, that's why I'm here.
Have car, will travel.
[Laughter]
Have car, will travel.
[Laughter]
♪ to the prom, to the prom,
[Laughter]
♪ to the prom, to the prom,
to the prom, prom, prom ♪
♪ To the prom, to the prom,
to the prom, prom, prom ♪
[laughing] stop it.
To the prom, prom, prom ♪
[laughing] stop it.
Mom, gee, I wish you'd come with
[Laughing] stop it.
Mom, gee, I wish you'd come with
us.
Mom, gee, I wish you'd come with
us.
Oh, come on, mrs. Loopner.
Us.
Oh, come on, mrs. Loopner.
Come, please.
Oh, come on, mrs. Loopner.
Come, please.
Sure.
Come, please.
Sure.
Come on with us.
Sure.
Come on with us.
Yeah.
Come on with us.
Yeah.
Come on, enid.
Yeah.
Come on, enid.
Well, i-i would love to sneak
Come on, enid.
Well, i-i would love to sneak
a peek at those prom decorations
Well, i-i would love to sneak
a peek at those prom decorations
you kids worked so hard on.
A peek at those prom decorations
you kids worked so hard on.
[Chuckles]
You kids worked so hard on.
[Chuckles]
now, I know it's not raining,
[Chuckles]
now, I know it's not raining,
lisa, but better safe than
Now, I know it's not raining,
lisa, but better safe than
sorry.
Lisa, but better safe than
sorry.
Right.
Sorry.
Right.
Okay, let's rock!
Right.
Okay, let's rock!
♪ Stayin' alive ♪
Okay, let's rock!
♪ Stayin' alive ♪
♪ stayin' alive ♪
♪ Stayin' alive ♪
♪ stayin' alive ♪
♪ stayin' alive ♪
♪ Stayin' alive ♪
♪ stayin' alive ♪
♪ stayin' alive ♪
♪ Stayin' alive ♪
♪ stayin' alive ♪
I want to sit in the front seat!
♪ Stayin' alive ♪
I want to sit in the front seat!
You're sitting in the back.
I want to sit in the front seat!
You're sitting in the back.
Come on!
[Applause]
Hello.
Excuse me.
Can you give me a hand, please?
Excuse me.
Can you give me a hand, please?
I need some help.
Can you give me a hand, please?
I need some help.
[Speaking foreign language]
I need some help.
[Speaking foreign language]
announcer: and now, another
[Speaking foreign language]
announcer: and now, another
episode of...
Episode of...
[Gong sounds]
[Gong sounds]
[speaking foreign language]
boy, am I glad I found a shop
[Speaking foreign language]
boy, am I glad I found a shop
that was open this late.
Boy, am I glad I found a shop
that was open this late.
[Speaking foreign language]
That was open this late.
[Speaking foreign language]
yes, I know.
[Speaking foreign language]
yes, I know.
I got to have this set fixed
Yes, I know.
I got to have this set fixed
tonight so I can watch the
I got to have this set fixed
tonight so I can watch the
playoffs tomorrow.
Tonight so I can watch the
playoffs tomorrow.
[Speaking foreign language]
Playoffs tomorrow.
[Speaking foreign language]
that's right.
[Speaking foreign language]
that's right.
I got $100 riding on the
That's right.
I got $100 riding on the
b*ll*ts.
I got $100 riding on the
b*ll*ts.
You know, the way I see it, if
b*ll*ts.
You know, the way I see it, if
unseld can control the boards
You know, the way I see it, if
unseld can control the boards
and hayes is hitting from the
Unseld can control the boards
and hayes is hitting from the
outside... You see what I mean.
And hayes is hitting from the
outside... You see what I mean.
[Speaking foreign language]
Outside... You see what I mean.
[Speaking foreign language]
anyway, look at this thing.
[Speaking foreign language]
anyway, look at this thing.
I got no sound, and I got no
Anyway, look at this thing.
I got no sound, and I got no
picture.
I got no sound, and I got no
picture.
[Speaking foreign language]
Picture.
[Speaking foreign language]
well, what is it?
[Speaking foreign language]
well, what is it?
[Speaking foreign language]
Well, what is it?
[Speaking foreign language]
ah, what?
[Speaking foreign language]
ah, what?
Does it need a tube?
Ah, what?
Does it need a tube?
[Speaking foreign language]
Does it need a tube?
[Speaking foreign language]
I mean a transistor.
[Speaking foreign language]
I mean a transistor.
[Speaking foreign language]
I mean a transistor.
[Speaking foreign language]
I just don't understand it.
[Speaking foreign language]
I just don't understand it.
It's a relatively new set.
I just don't understand it.
It's a relatively new set.
Look, see, here's the
It's a relatively new set.
Look, see, here's the
inspector's tag.
Look, see, here's the
inspector's tag.
Uh, I mean, it doesn't do me
Inspector's tag.
Uh, I mean, it doesn't do me
much good to know that the
Uh, I mean, it doesn't do me
much good to know that the
inspector's number is 68 because
Much good to know that the
inspector's number is 68 because
the factory is all the way in
Inspector's number is 68 because
the factory is all the way in
japan.
The factory is all the way in
japan.
[Speaking foreign language]
Japan.
[Speaking foreign language]
I'd like to get my hands on
[Speaking foreign language]
I'd like to get my hands on
number 68.
I'd like to get my hands on
number 68.
[Speaking foreign language]
Number 68.
[Speaking foreign language]
what?
[Speaking foreign language]
what?
[Speaking foreign language]
What?
[Speaking foreign language]
inspector 68 is your mother?
[Speaking foreign language]
inspector 68 is your mother?
[Speaking foreign language]
Inspector 68 is your mother?
[Speaking foreign language]
well, she can't... I don't
[Speaking foreign language]
well, she can't... I don't
know what's the matter.
Well, she can't... I don't
know what's the matter.
[Speaking foreign language]
Know what's the matter.
[Speaking foreign language]
oh, wait a minute!
[Speaking foreign language]
oh, wait a minute!
Wait a minute, wait a minute!
Oh, wait a minute!
Wait a minute, wait a minute!
It's 89.
Wait a minute, wait a minute!
It's 89.
It's my mistake.
It's 89.
It's my mistake.
Inspector 89.
It's my mistake.
Inspector 89.
I had the number wrong.
Inspector 89.
I had the number wrong.
It's okay.
I had the number wrong.
It's okay.
[Speaking foreign language]
It's okay.
[Speaking foreign language]
anyway, the point is, I
[Speaking foreign language]
anyway, the point is, I
really got to have it fixed by
Anyway, the point is, I
really got to have it fixed by
tomorrow 'cause I got... I got
Really got to have it fixed by
tomorrow 'cause I got... I got
everything ready for tomorrow.
Tomorrow 'cause I got... I got
everything ready for tomorrow.
You know what I mean?
Everything ready for tomorrow.
You know what I mean?
I'm ordering a pizza.
You know what I mean?
I'm ordering a pizza.
I got some beer in the
I'm ordering a pizza.
I got some beer in the
refrigerator, and my girl is
I got some beer in the
refrigerator, and my girl is
coming over.
Refrigerator, and my girl is
coming over.
[Speaking foreign language]
Coming over.
[Speaking foreign language]
so during halftime...
[Speaking foreign language]
so during halftime...
[Speaking foreign language]
So during halftime...
[Speaking foreign language]
exactly my point.
[Speaking foreign language]
exactly my point.
Anyway, do you mind if I ask you
Exactly my point.
Anyway, do you mind if I ask you
what kind of training you've had
Anyway, do you mind if I ask you
what kind of training you've had
for this business?
What kind of training you've had
for this business?
I mean, did you go to school for
For this business?
I mean, did you go to school for
this sort of thing?
I mean, did you go to school for
this sort of thing?
[Speaking foreign language]
This sort of thing?
[Speaking foreign language]
ah.
[Speaking foreign language]
ah.
"Famous tv repairman school of
Ah.
"Famous tv repairman school of
westport, connecticut.
"Famous tv repairman school of
westport, connecticut.
Black-and-white only."
Westport, connecticut.
Black-and-white only."
[Speaking foreign language]
Black-and-white only."
[Speaking foreign language]
black-and-white only.
[Speaking foreign language]
black-and-white only.
Hey, listen, this is a color
Black-and-white only.
Hey, listen, this is a color
set.
Hey, listen, this is a color
set.
If you went to that school, what
Set.
If you went to that school, what
do you know about fixing a color
If you went to that school, what
do you know about fixing a color
set?
Do you know about fixing a color
set?
[Speaking foreign language]
Set?
[Speaking foreign language]
your eyes are brown.
[Speaking foreign language]
your eyes are brown.
Your skin is yellow.
Your eyes are brown.
Your skin is yellow.
Your kimono is blue.
Your skin is yellow.
Your kimono is blue.
Oh.
Your kimono is blue.
Oh.
[Speaking foreign language]
Oh.
[Speaking foreign language]
well, that's great.
[Speaking foreign language]
well, that's great.
I mean, I know what color you
Well, that's great.
I mean, I know what color you
are, but what about my set?
I mean, I know what color you
are, but what about my set?
You know, i-i notice... I'll
Are, but what about my set?
You know, i-i notice... I'll
tell you.
You know, i-i notice... I'll
tell you.
I notice that sometimes, when I
Tell you.
I notice that sometimes, when I
sort of hit the side a little,
I notice that sometimes, when I
sort of hit the side a little,
the picture will come in.
Sort of hit the side a little,
the picture will come in.
[Speaking foreign language]
The picture will come in.
[Speaking foreign language]
yeah, a little rap on the
[Speaking foreign language]
yeah, a little rap on the
side.
Yeah, a little rap on the
side.
Just a little... Tap on the side.
Side.
Just a little... Tap on the side.
[Speaking foreign language]
Just a little... Tap on the side.
[Speaking foreign language]
hey, what are you doing to my
[Speaking foreign language]
hey, what are you doing to my
set?
Hey, what are you doing to my
set?
What kind of way is that to fix
Set?
What kind of way is that to fix
it?
What kind of way is that to fix
it?
How did...
It?
How did...
[Speaking foreign language]
How did...
[Speaking foreign language]
that's fantastic.
[Speaking foreign language]
that's fantastic.
You've... You've restored the
That's fantastic.
You've... You've restored the
sound.
You've... You've restored the
sound.
What... What about the picture?
Sound.
What... What about the picture?
[Speaking foreign language]
What... What about the picture?
[Speaking foreign language]
yes.
[Speaking foreign language]
yes.
Exactly.
Yes.
Exactly.
[Speaking foreign language]
Exactly.
[Speaking foreign language]
yeah?
[Speaking foreign language]
yeah?
[Speaking foreign language]
Yeah?
[Speaking foreign language]
got it!
[Speaking foreign language]
got it!
Banzai!
Banzai!
Announcer: tune in next week
Announcer: tune in next week
for another episode of...
For another episode of...
[Gong sounds]
[Gong sounds]
[applause]
[Applause]
[band plays]
[Indistinct conversations]
we got a fiscal problem, and
it's something we can probably
We got a fiscal problem, and
it's something we can probably
work out.
It's something we can probably
work out.
It's... I don't know.
Work out.
It's... I don't know.
At this point, I guess I can
It's... I don't know.
At this point, I guess I can
sign it.
At this point, I guess I can
sign it.
I'll call him when you get here.
Sign it.
I'll call him when you get here.
All right, settle down,
I'll call him when you get here.
All right, settle down,
gentlemen.
All right, settle down,
gentlemen.
Gentlemen, as the head of the
Gentlemen.
Gentlemen, as the head of the
sodom chamber of commerce, it's
Gentlemen, as the head of the
sodom chamber of commerce, it's
always a pleasure to welcome our
Sodom chamber of commerce, it's
always a pleasure to welcome our
mayor.
Always a pleasure to welcome our
mayor.
We all know him.
Mayor.
We all know him.
He's our friend, a neighbor, and
We all know him.
He's our friend, a neighbor, and
a great sodomite.
He's our friend, a neighbor, and
a great sodomite.
Gentlemen, please welcome
A great sodomite.
Gentlemen, please welcome
abanasher.
Gentlemen, please welcome
abanasher.
Hear, hear!
Abanasher.
Hear, hear!
Hear, hear!
Hear, hear!
Hear, hear!
Gentlemen, thank you.
Hear, hear!
Gentlemen, thank you.
I'd like to talk to you today
Gentlemen, thank you.
I'd like to talk to you today
about a problem that I consider
I'd like to talk to you today
about a problem that I consider
the most serious problem facing
About a problem that I consider
the most serious problem facing
our city.
The most serious problem facing
our city.
I've just returned from a trip
Our city.
I've just returned from a trip
that took me all around the
I've just returned from a trip
that took me all around the
plain of jordan.
That took me all around the
plain of jordan.
I regret to report that sodom
Plain of jordan.
I regret to report that sodom
has a terrible reputation.
I regret to report that sodom
has a terrible reputation.
Oh.
Has a terrible reputation.
Oh.
I'm... I'm afraid it's true,
Oh.
I'm... I'm afraid it's true,
gentlemen.
I'm... I'm afraid it's true,
gentlemen.
When people around the empire
Gentlemen.
When people around the empire
think of sodom, what's the first
When people around the empire
think of sodom, what's the first
thing that comes to their minds.
Think of sodom, what's the first
thing that comes to their minds.
Uh...
Thing that comes to their minds.
Uh...
Sodomy.
Uh...
Sodomy.
Mm-hmm.
Sodomy.
Mm-hmm.
Sodomy, sodomy, sodomy.
Mm-hmm.
Sodomy, sodomy, sodomy.
Well, what's wrong with that?
Sodomy, sodomy, sodomy.
Well, what's wrong with that?
I mean, sodomy is what put us on
Well, what's wrong with that?
I mean, sodomy is what put us on
the map.
I mean, sodomy is what put us on
the map.
Yeah.
The map.
Yeah.
That's fine for you to say,
Yeah.
That's fine for you to say,
ashmore, because you're a
That's fine for you to say,
ashmore, because you're a
pharmacist.
Ashmore, because you're a
pharmacist.
The point is...
Pharmacist.
The point is...
I am the mayor of this city, and
The point is...
I am the mayor of this city, and
I'm faced with a financial
I am the mayor of this city, and
I'm faced with a financial
crisis, and every time I go to
I'm faced with a financial
crisis, and every time I go to
the government for loans, they
Crisis, and every time I go to
the government for loans, they
say to me, "why should we give
The government for loans, they
say to me, "why should we give
aid to a city so debauched and
Say to me, "why should we give
aid to a city so debauched and
so vile?"
Aid to a city so debauched and
so vile?"
Vile?
So vile?"
Vile?
What's... What's vile about
Vile?
What's... What's vile about
sodom?
What's... What's vile about
sodom?
You have no argument from me
Sodom?
You have no argument from me
on that.
You have no argument from me
on that.
All I'm saying is that we ought
On that.
All I'm saying is that we ought
to be concerned about the kind
All I'm saying is that we ought
to be concerned about the kind
of image we project to
To be concerned about the kind
of image we project to
out-of-towners.
Of image we project to
out-of-towners.
You know, there's a lot of
Out-of-towners.
You know, there's a lot of
sumerians and assyrians who are
You know, there's a lot of
sumerians and assyrians who are
spending their zuzim in
Sumerians and assyrians who are
spending their zuzim in
gomorrah.
Spending their zuzim in
gomorrah.
That's why... That's why I've
Gomorrah.
That's why... That's why I've
invited a guest here tonight.
That's why... That's why I've
invited a guest here tonight.
Noab the hittite.
Invited a guest here tonight.
Noab the hittite.
Now, noab created the campaign
Noab the hittite.
Now, noab created the campaign
that turned gomorrah around.
Now, noab created the campaign
that turned gomorrah around.
He's got some really great
That turned gomorrah around.
He's got some really great
ideas, so please hear him out.
He's got some really great
ideas, so please hear him out.
Gentlemen, I give you noab.
Ideas, so please hear him out.
Gentlemen, I give you noab.
Thanks, abanasher.
Gentlemen, I give you noab.
Thanks, abanasher.
Gentlemen, you know, I was
Thanks, abanasher.
Gentlemen, you know, I was
looking over your official city
Gentlemen, you know, I was
looking over your official city
brochure.
Looking over your official city
brochure.
Now, what kind of city slogan is
Brochure.
Now, what kind of city slogan is
this?
Now, what kind of city slogan is
this?
"You have to be crazy to live in
This?
"You have to be crazy to live in
sodom... Crazy about sodomy."
"You have to be crazy to live in
sodom... Crazy about sodomy."
Now, if you're going to attract
Sodom... Crazy about sodomy."
Now, if you're going to attract
investment, if you expect to
Now, if you're going to attract
investment, if you expect to
have your bid for the olympics
Investment, if you expect to
have your bid for the olympics
taken seriously, you're gonna
Have your bid for the olympics
taken seriously, you're gonna
have to play down the sodomy.
Taken seriously, you're gonna
have to play down the sodomy.
Play it down?
Have to play down the sodomy.
Play it down?
I mean, come on, what do you
Play it down?
I mean, come on, what do you
think brings the conventions in
I mean, come on, what do you
think brings the conventions in
here?
Think brings the conventions in
here?
A guy looking for a place he can
Here?
A guy looking for a place he can
gamble, practice gluttony,
A guy looking for a place he can
gamble, practice gluttony,
worship a false idol or two, and
Gamble, practice gluttony,
worship a false idol or two, and
have a little sodomy
Worship a false idol or two, and
have a little sodomy
automatically thinks of sodom.
Have a little sodomy
automatically thinks of sodom.
He's got a point there.
Automatically thinks of sodom.
He's got a point there.
All right, now, look at
He's got a point there.
All right, now, look at
gomorrah, okay.
All right, now, look at
gomorrah, okay.
Now, they're every bit as wicked
Gomorrah, okay.
Now, they're every bit as wicked
as you people, but it's just not
Now, they're every bit as wicked
as you people, but it's just not
the main thrust of their
As you people, but it's just not
the main thrust of their
publicity.
The main thrust of their
publicity.
They emphasize more conventional
Publicity.
They emphasize more conventional
things.
They emphasize more conventional
things.
I think sodom should, too.
Things.
I think sodom should, too.
Oh, like what?
I think sodom should, too.
Oh, like what?
Well, like the park.
Oh, like what?
Well, like the park.
Like your museums.
Well, like the park.
Like your museums.
Like your restaurants.
Like your museums.
Like your restaurants.
Like your theater district.
Like your restaurants.
Like your theater district.
Oh, yeah.
Like your theater district.
Oh, yeah.
And the human sacrifice.
Oh, yeah.
And the human sacrifice.
No, no, no.
And the human sacrifice.
No, no, no.
You see, people around the
No, no, no.
You see, people around the
empire, they sort of perceive
You see, people around the
empire, they sort of perceive
human sacrifice not as a civic
Empire, they sort of perceive
human sacrifice not as a civic
attraction but as another one of
Human sacrifice not as a civic
attraction but as another one of
the wicked things about sodom.
Attraction but as another one of
the wicked things about sodom.
Well, we don't want to look
The wicked things about sodom.
Well, we don't want to look
like goody-goodies.
Well, we don't want to look
like goody-goodies.
No, ashar, ashar.
Like goody-goodies.
No, ashar, ashar.
You needn't worry about that.
No, ashar, ashar.
You needn't worry about that.
I'm sure anyone who's really
You needn't worry about that.
I'm sure anyone who's really
interested in sodomy will know
I'm sure anyone who's really
interested in sodomy will know
to come here.
Interested in sodomy will know
to come here.
Word of mouth will take care of
To come here.
Word of mouth will take care of
that.
Word of mouth will take care of
that.
I-i think that what noab is
That.
I-i think that what noab is
saying is that we don't have to
I-i think that what noab is
saying is that we don't have to
bend over backwards to
Saying is that we don't have to
bend over backwards to
advertise.
Bend over backwards to
advertise.
Exactly, exactly.
Advertise.
Exactly, exactly.
All we want people to know is
Exactly, exactly.
All we want people to know is
that they can come to sodom,
All we want people to know is
that they can come to sodom,
check into a fine hotel, visit a
That they can come to sodom,
check into a fine hotel, visit a
museum or a gallery in the
Check into a fine hotel, visit a
museum or a gallery in the
afternoon, have a nice dinner in
Museum or a gallery in the
afternoon, have a nice dinner in
a fine restaurant in the
Afternoon, have a nice dinner in
a fine restaurant in the
evening, and then, if they want
A fine restaurant in the
evening, and then, if they want
it, the sodomy is there.
Evening, and then, if they want
it, the sodomy is there.
Gentlemen, noab tells me that
It, the sodomy is there.
Gentlemen, noab tells me that
he has conceived a massive
Gentlemen, noab tells me that
he has conceived a massive
publicity campaign for sodom's
He has conceived a massive
publicity campaign for sodom's
new image.
Publicity campaign for sodom's
new image.
All right, noab, can you give
New image.
All right, noab, can you give
us a sample?
All right, noab, can you give
us a sample?
All right, gentlemen.
Us a sample?
All right, gentlemen.
I think this is a concept that
All right, gentlemen.
I think this is a concept that
you are going to love.
I think this is a concept that
you are going to love.
Kids.
You are going to love.
Kids.
♪ I love sodom ♪
Kids.
♪ I love sodom ♪
♪ I love sodom ♪
♪ I love sodom ♪
♪ I love sodom ♪
♪ I love sodom ♪
♪ I love sodom ♪
♪ I love sodom ♪
♪ I love sodom ♪
♪ I love sodom ♪
♪ I love sodom ♪
[applause]
Donny osmond consummates his
marriage, while his wife,
debbie, watches.
Marriage, while his wife,
debbie, watches.
This and more on
Debbie, watches.
This and more on
"weekend update," coming up
This and more on
"weekend update," coming up
next.
"Weekend update," coming up
next.
Announcer: and now
Next.
Announcer: and now
"weekend update" with the
Announcer: and now
"weekend update" with the
"weekend update" news team.
"Weekend update" with the
"weekend update" news team.
Brought to you by ex-lox... For
"Weekend update" news team.
Brought to you by ex-lox... For
constipated smoked salmon.
Brought to you by ex-lox... For
constipated smoked salmon.
Here are our anchorpersons,
Constipated smoked salmon.
Here are our anchorpersons,
jane curtain and dan aykroyd.
Here are our anchorpersons,
jane curtain and dan aykroyd.
I'm dan aykroyd.
Jane curtain and dan aykroyd.
I'm dan aykroyd.
And I'm jane curtain.
I'm dan aykroyd.
And I'm jane curtain.
Our top story tonight...
And I'm jane curtain.
Our top story tonight...
Today was the 103rd running of
Our top story tonight...
Today was the 103rd running of
the preakness, the second jewel
Today was the 103rd running of
the preakness, the second jewel
in horse racing's triple crown.
The preakness, the second jewel
in horse racing's triple crown.
And the winner was affirmed,
In horse racing's triple crown.
And the winner was affirmed,
with alydar coming in a
And the winner was affirmed,
with alydar coming in a
heartbreaking close second.
With alydar coming in a
heartbreaking close second.
The losing jockey seemed to take
Heartbreaking close second.
The losing jockey seemed to take
the loss well.
The losing jockey seemed to take
the loss well.
However, his horse, in a fit of
The loss well.
However, his horse, in a fit of
depression, went straight to a
However, his horse, in a fit of
depression, went straight to a
baltimore saloon and drank
Depression, went straight to a
baltimore saloon and drank
himself silly.
Baltimore saloon and drank
himself silly.
This week, a
Himself silly.
This week, a
washington university research
This week, a
washington university research
team concluded that frying
Washington university research
team concluded that frying
ground beef can form chemical
Team concluded that frying
ground beef can form chemical
substances that may cause
Ground beef can form chemical
substances that may cause
cancer.
Substances that may cause
cancer.
As a result, mcdonald's
Cancer.
As a result, mcdonald's
reportedly has announced that
As a result, mcdonald's
reportedly has announced that
they are recalling over
Reportedly has announced that
they are recalling over
14 billion hamburgers.
They are recalling over
14 billion hamburgers.
[Laughter]
14 Billion hamburgers.
[Laughter]
the popular fanfare
[Laughter]
the popular fanfare
expression [imitates fanfare]
The popular fanfare
expression [imitates fanfare]
will no longer be sung that way,
Expression [imitates fanfare]
will no longer be sung that way,
according to bureau chief
Will no longer be sung that way,
according to bureau chief
hyman clause of the
According to bureau chief
hyman clause of the
united states government council
Hyman clause of the
united states government council
of expressions and ditties.
United states government council
of expressions and ditties.
Instead, the expression will be
Of expressions and ditties.
Instead, the expression will be
[imitates fanfare]
Instead, the expression will be
[imitates fanfare]
[laughter]
[Imitates fanfare]
[laughter]
the plea of david berkowitz, the
[Laughter]
the plea of david berkowitz, the
accused "son of sam" k*ller, was
The plea of david berkowitz, the
accused "son of sam" k*ller, was
heard in a brooklyn courtroom
Accused "son of sam" k*ller, was
heard in a brooklyn courtroom
last week.
Heard in a brooklyn courtroom
last week.
As you know, berkowitz claimed
Last week.
As you know, berkowitz claimed
he was commanded to k*ll by a
As you know, berkowitz claimed
he was commanded to k*ll by a
dog called sam.
He was commanded to k*ll by a
dog called sam.
Although cameras were not
Dog called sam.
Although cameras were not
permitted in the courtroom, our
Although cameras were not
permitted in the courtroom, our
correspondent laraine newman
Permitted in the courtroom, our
correspondent laraine newman
was, along with our "update"
Correspondent laraine newman
was, along with our "update"
artists, and they filed this
Was, along with our "update"
artists, and they filed this
report.
Artists, and they filed this
report.
Laraine.
Dan, I'm standing inside the
Courtroom, where the dog in
Question has been called as an
Accomplice.
And the judge has ordered the
dog to undergo psyche,
competency, and obedience tests
Dog to undergo psyche,
competency, and obedience tests
to determine if he understands
Competency, and obedience tests
to determine if he understands
the charges made against him.
To determine if he understands
the charges made against him.
The judge first ordered him to
The charges made against him.
The judge first ordered him to
lie down.
The judge first ordered him to
lie down.
Sam seemed to have no trouble
Lie down.
Sam seemed to have no trouble
with this command.
Sam seemed to have no trouble
with this command.
He was also asked to fetch the
With this command.
He was also asked to fetch the
judge's gavel, which was thrown
He was also asked to fetch the
judge's gavel, which was thrown
across the courtroom floor with
Judge's gavel, which was thrown
across the courtroom floor with
a resounding clatter.
Across the courtroom floor with
a resounding clatter.
Having passed these preliminary
A resounding clatter.
Having passed these preliminary
tests, sam was given a bowl of
Having passed these preliminary
tests, sam was given a bowl of
water, and the court recessed
Tests, sam was given a bowl of
water, and the court recessed
till next week.
Water, and the court recessed
till next week.
This is laraine newman from the
Till next week.
This is laraine newman from the
supreme court building in
This is laraine newman from the
supreme court building in
brooklyn.
Supreme court building in
brooklyn.
[Applause]
Brooklyn.
[Applause]
[clears throat]
[Applause]
[clears throat]
thanks, laraine.
[Clears throat]
thanks, laraine.
Well, some good news from europe
Thanks, laraine.
Well, some good news from europe
this week.
Well, some good news from europe
this week.
Charlie chaplin has been found
This week.
Charlie chaplin has been found
dead and well in lausanne,
Charlie chaplin has been found
dead and well in lausanne,
switzerland.
Dead and well in lausanne,
switzerland.
Princess margaret and
Switzerland.
Princess margaret and
lord snowden, who are divorcing
Princess margaret and
lord snowden, who are divorcing
after 18 years of marriage, have
Lord snowden, who are divorcing
after 18 years of marriage, have
revealed that they both have
After 18 years of marriage, have
revealed that they both have
other romantic interests.
Revealed that they both have
other romantic interests.
Margaret has been openly
Other romantic interests.
Margaret has been openly
associating with rock singer
Margaret has been openly
associating with rock singer
roddy llewelyn, and lord snowden
Associating with rock singer
roddy llewelyn, and lord snowden
has been secretly associating
Roddy llewelyn, and lord snowden
has been secretly associating
with rock singer roddy llewelyn.
Has been secretly associating
with rock singer roddy llewelyn.
[Laughter]
With rock singer roddy llewelyn.
[Laughter]
and now with this week's movie
[Laughter]
and now with this week's movie
review, here is stargazer
And now with this week's movie
review, here is stargazer
bill murray.
Review, here is stargazer
bill murray.
Bill.
Bill murray.
Bill.
Thank you, jane.
Bill.
Thank you, jane.
[Cheers and applause]
Thank you, jane.
[Cheers and applause]
thanks, jane.
[Cheers and applause]
thanks, jane.
Tonight, I'm going to talk about
Thanks, jane.
Tonight, I'm going to talk about
"the greek tycoon," universal's
Tonight, I'm going to talk about
"the greek tycoon," universal's
new summer blockbuster.
"The greek tycoon," universal's
new summer blockbuster.
It stars jacqueline bisset,
New summer blockbuster.
It stars jacqueline bisset,
edward albert jr., And the most
It stars jacqueline bisset,
edward albert jr., And the most
famous greek of all, tony quinn.
Edward albert jr., And the most
famous greek of all, tony quinn.
I didn't have a chance to see
Famous greek of all, tony quinn.
I didn't have a chance to see
the movie, so they sent over a
I didn't have a chance to see
the movie, so they sent over a
clip and the story line, and the
The movie, so they sent over a
clip and the story line, and the
clip we're gonna see is the
Clip and the story line, and the
clip we're gonna see is the
tycoon's son meeting his
Clip we're gonna see is the
tycoon's son meeting his
father's future wife.
Tycoon's son meeting his
father's future wife.
Nico... He wants to, uh,
Father's future wife.
Nico... He wants to, uh,
wants to say something.
Nico... He wants to, uh,
wants to say something.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Wants to say something.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Go ahead.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Go ahead.
Hello, mother.
Go ahead.
Hello, mother.
[Chuckles]
Hello, mother.
[Chuckles]
nico.
[Chuckles]
nico.
[Chuckles]
Nico.
[Chuckles]
I hope we're gonna get along
[Chuckles]
I hope we're gonna get along
together.
I hope we're gonna get along
together.
Yeah, and I hope you have a
Together.
Yeah, and I hope you have a
terrific time being a tomasis.
Yeah, and I hope you have a
terrific time being a tomasis.
Now if you'll excuse me.
Terrific time being a tomasis.
Now if you'll excuse me.
[Laughter]
Now if you'll excuse me.
[Laughter]
"excuse me"?
[Laughter]
"excuse me"?
Well, my first reaction is,
"Excuse me"?
Well, my first reaction is,
"excuse me" is steve martin's
Well, my first reaction is,
"excuse me" is steve martin's
line."
"Excuse me" is steve martin's
line."
Now, it's kind of sad when a
Line."
Now, it's kind of sad when a
film can't make it through a
Now, it's kind of sad when a
film can't make it through a
30-second clip without stealing
Film can't make it through a
30-second clip without stealing
material, isn't it?
30-Second clip without stealing
material, isn't it?
You people are very lucky it's
Material, isn't it?
You people are very lucky it's
steve this time and not
You people are very lucky it's
steve this time and not
shelley berman 'cause he would
Steve this time and not
shelley berman 'cause he would
sue you all the way to
Shelley berman 'cause he would
sue you all the way to
argentina.
Sue you all the way to
argentina.
Now, it says here that, "the
Argentina.
Now, it says here that, "the
tycoon marries this woman who is
Now, it says here that, "the
tycoon marries this woman who is
the widow of a president of
Tycoon marries this woman who is
the widow of a president of
the united states."
The widow of a president of
the united states."
What?
The united states."
What?
Read on, murray.
What?
Read on, murray.
What is this?
Read on, murray.
What is this?
The president was named
What is this?
The president was named
james cassidy and was
The president was named
james cassidy and was
assassinated.
James cassidy and was
assassinated.
Now, call me crazy, but looking
Assassinated.
Now, call me crazy, but looking
at jackie bisset in that clip,
Now, call me crazy, but looking
at jackie bisset in that clip,
I'd say she was made to look
At jackie bisset in that clip,
I'd say she was made to look
like jackie o.
I'd say she was made to look
like jackie o.
In fact, the greek tycoon's name
Like jackie o.
In fact, the greek tycoon's name
is tomasis, which rhymes with
In fact, the greek tycoon's name
is tomasis, which rhymes with
onassis.
Is tomasis, which rhymes with
onassis.
It's too close.
Onassis.
It's too close.
I wonder how jackie feels about
It's too close.
I wonder how jackie feels about
this.
I wonder how jackie feels about
this.
I'm gonna call her.
This.
I'm gonna call her.
[Laughter]
I'm gonna call her.
[Laughter]
where's the damn address book?
[Laughter]
where's the damn address book?
Oh, well, I'll try this.
Where's the damn address book?
Oh, well, I'll try this.
Hold on.
Oh, well, I'll try this.
Hold on.
Manhattan, please.
Hold on.
Manhattan, please.
Jacqueline kennedy onassis on
Manhattan, please.
Jacqueline kennedy onassis on
fifth avenue.
Jacqueline kennedy onassis on
fifth avenue.
May be listed under
Fifth avenue.
May be listed under
jacqueline kennedy.
May be listed under
jacqueline kennedy.
I'm a... Yes, I can understand
Jacqueline kennedy.
I'm a... Yes, I can understand
that, but I'm a friend.
I'm a... Yes, I can understand
that, but I'm a friend.
[Chuckles]
That, but I'm a friend.
[Chuckles]
does the name bill murray mean
[Chuckles]
does the name bill murray mean
anything to you?
Does the name bill murray mean
anything to you?
John belushi?
Anything to you?
John belushi?
Well, is caroline kennedy
John belushi?
Well, is caroline kennedy
listed?
Well, is caroline kennedy
listed?
Try a john-john kennedy.
Listed?
Try a john-john kennedy.
Okay, thank you very much
Try a john-john kennedy.
Okay, thank you very much
anyway.
Okay, thank you very much
anyway.
Well, I know she's watching the
Anyway.
Well, I know she's watching the
show, so she's probably watching
Well, I know she's watching the
show, so she's probably watching
at somebody else's house.
Show, so she's probably watching
at somebody else's house.
Um, jackie, hi.
At somebody else's house.
Um, jackie, hi.
[Laughter]
Um, jackie, hi.
[Laughter]
[applause]
[Laughter]
[applause]
listen.
[Applause]
listen.
You have been ripped off, okay?
Listen.
You have been ripped off, okay?
These people have taken your
You have been ripped off, okay?
These people have taken your
story, changed the names ever so
These people have taken your
story, changed the names ever so
slightly, and made a movie out
Story, changed the names ever so
slightly, and made a movie out
of it.
Slightly, and made a movie out
of it.
They have no right.
Of it.
They have no right.
I'm saying this to you and to
They have no right.
I'm saying this to you and to
everybody.
I'm saying this to you and to
everybody.
They have no right to take your
Everybody.
They have no right to take your
personal life, cheapen it, and
They have no right to take your
personal life, cheapen it, and
blow it up all over the screen
Personal life, cheapen it, and
blow it up all over the screen
for everyone to see it.
Blow it up all over the screen
for everyone to see it.
If they do that, they have to at
For everyone to see it.
If they do that, they have to at
least give you screen story's
If they do that, they have to at
least give you screen story's
credits and points in the movie.
Least give you screen story's
credits and points in the movie.
And, jackie, when they give you
Credits and points in the movie.
And, jackie, when they give you
these points, don't settle for a
And, jackie, when they give you
these points, don't settle for a
piece of the net.
These points, don't settle for a
piece of the net.
You'll end up with nothing like
Piece of the net.
You'll end up with nothing like
puzo.
You'll end up with nothing like
puzo.
A percentage of the gross is
Puzo.
A percentage of the gross is
what you want.
A percentage of the gross is
what you want.
Now, maybe... Maybe you don't
What you want.
Now, maybe... Maybe you don't
think you need it, but it is the
Now, maybe... Maybe you don't
think you need it, but it is the
principle of the thing.
Think you need it, but it is the
principle of the thing.
You are a widow with no visible
Principle of the thing.
You are a widow with no visible
means of support.
You are a widow with no visible
means of support.
You've got two children to look
Means of support.
You've got two children to look
after.
You've got two children to look
after.
It's not like this country
After.
It's not like this country
wouldn't chip in to send those
It's not like this country
wouldn't chip in to send those
kids to school, either.
Wouldn't chip in to send those
kids to school, either.
Unh-unh.
Kids to school, either.
Unh-unh.
But you don't need the
Unh-unh.
But you don't need the
humiliation and embarrassment.
But you don't need the
humiliation and embarrassment.
We're proud of you, honey.
Humiliation and embarrassment.
We're proud of you, honey.
They don't call you jackie k.o.
We're proud of you, honey.
They don't call you jackie k.o.
For nothing.
They don't call you jackie k.o.
For nothing.
'Cause you're a knockout,
For nothing.
'Cause you're a knockout,
honey, and I mean it.
'Cause you're a knockout,
honey, and I mean it.
Now, get out of here,
Honey, and I mean it.
Now, get out of here,
mrs. Kennedy onassis, you nut.
Now, get out of here,
mrs. Kennedy onassis, you nut.
Well, love the movie.
Mrs. Kennedy onassis, you nut.
Well, love the movie.
Back to you, jane.
Well, love the movie.
Back to you, jane.
Thank you, bill.
Back to you, jane.
Thank you, bill.
[Applause]
Thank you, bill.
[Applause]
after years of debate, italy
[Applause]
after years of debate, italy
legalized abortion this week,
After years of debate, italy
legalized abortion this week,
over the protests of both the
Legalized abortion this week,
over the protests of both the
vatican and christian democratic
Over the protests of both the
vatican and christian democratic
party.
Vatican and christian democratic
party.
Having cleared this hurdle, a
Party.
Having cleared this hurdle, a
movement is now under way to
Having cleared this hurdle, a
movement is now under way to
pass an ex post facto abortion
Movement is now under way to
pass an ex post facto abortion
law calling for the retroactive
Pass an ex post facto abortion
law calling for the retroactive
abortions of mafia boss
Law calling for the retroactive
abortions of mafia boss
carlo gambino, singer
Abortions of mafia boss
carlo gambino, singer
sergio franchi, and philadelphia
Carlo gambino, singer
sergio franchi, and philadelphia
mayor frank rizzo.
Sergio franchi, and philadelphia
mayor frank rizzo.
Former first lady betty ford
Mayor frank rizzo.
Former first lady betty ford
was released last week from a
Former first lady betty ford
was released last week from a
california hospital, following
Was released last week from a
california hospital, following
treatment for alcoholism.
We at "weekend update" salute
Her forthright admission, and we
Console her with the fact that
Her problem puts her in company
With some of the most celebrated
First ladies in america's
History.
The story of martha washington's
two-fisted guzzling is familiar
to all schoolchildren.
Two-fisted guzzling is familiar
to all schoolchildren.
[Chuckles]
To all schoolchildren.
[Chuckles]
and no one could forget
[Chuckles]
and no one could forget
eleanor roosevelt's notorious
And no one could forget
eleanor roosevelt's notorious
white house chug-a-lug contests.
Eleanor roosevelt's notorious
white house chug-a-lug contests.
But when it comes to white house
White house chug-a-lug contests.
But when it comes to white house
lushes, it was mary todd lincoln
But when it comes to white house
lushes, it was mary todd lincoln
who took the cake.
Lushes, it was mary todd lincoln
who took the cake.
After scarfing down six or seven
Who took the cake.
After scarfing down six or seven
of her famous purple-monster rum
After scarfing down six or seven
of her famous purple-monster rum
concoctions at capitol hill
Of her famous purple-monster rum
concoctions at capitol hill
dinners, her idea of a good time
Concoctions at capitol hill
dinners, her idea of a good time
was to hike her skirts up over
Dinners, her idea of a good time
was to hike her skirts up over
her head, leap atop the banquet
Was to hike her skirts up over
her head, leap atop the banquet
table, and soil the punch bowl
Her head, leap atop the banquet
table, and soil the punch bowl
while screaming, "look at me!
Table, and soil the punch bowl
while screaming, "look at me!
Look at me!
While screaming, "look at me!
Look at me!
Abe, you can't give me what I
Look at me!
Abe, you can't give me what I
need!"
Abe, you can't give me what I
need!"
[Laughter]
Need!"
[Laughter]
well, as they say, nothing much
[Laughter]
well, as they say, nothing much
ever changes in washington, and
Well, as they say, nothing much
ever changes in washington, and
the drinking habits of
Ever changes in washington, and
the drinking habits of
presidential wives are no
The drinking habits of
presidential wives are no
exception.
Presidential wives are no
exception.
Tonight's "point counterpoint"
Exception.
Tonight's "point counterpoint"
is on jogging.
Tonight's "point counterpoint"
is on jogging.
I will take the side for
Is on jogging.
I will take the side for
jogging, and jane will take the
I will take the side for
jogging, and jane will take the
opposing view.
Jogging, and jane will take the
opposing view.
No, wait a minute, dan.
Opposing view.
No, wait a minute, dan.
I'm taking the affirmative view.
No, wait a minute, dan.
I'm taking the affirmative view.
No, no, I'll take the
I'm taking the affirmative view.
No, no, I'll take the
affirmative view, and you're
No, no, I'll take the
affirmative view, and you're
taking the opposing.
Affirmative view, and you're
taking the opposing.
No, don't you remember?
Taking the opposing.
No, don't you remember?
We flipped a coin.
No, don't you remember?
We flipped a coin.
Well, I won the flip, and I
We flipped a coin.
Well, I won the flip, and I
chose the affirmative.
Well, I won the flip, and I
chose the affirmative.
But I don't care, really.
Chose the affirmative.
But I don't care, really.
Whatever you want.
But I don't care, really.
Whatever you want.
Well, you know, I don't care
Whatever you want.
Well, you know, I don't care
either.
Well, you know, I don't care
either.
Why don't we just flip again?
Either.
Why don't we just flip again?
Well, I'll tell you what.
Why don't we just flip again?
Well, I'll tell you what.
You take the affirmative on
Well, I'll tell you what.
You take the affirmative on
jogging, and I'll take the
You take the affirmative on
jogging, and I'll take the
opposing view.
Jogging, and I'll take the
opposing view.
Fine.
Opposing view.
Fine.
All right.
Fine.
All right.
Dan, you overweight porker,
All right.
Dan, you overweight porker,
how can anyone in your condition
Dan, you overweight porker,
how can anyone in your condition
oppose physical exercise?
How can anyone in your condition
oppose physical exercise?
Sure, there's been
Oppose physical exercise?
Sure, there's been
overcommercialization with
Sure, there's been
overcommercialization with
jogging clothes and jogging
Overcommercialization with
jogging clothes and jogging
magazines, but better jogging
Jogging clothes and jogging
magazines, but better jogging
than your favorite pastime...
Magazines, but better jogging
than your favorite pastime...
Clinking ice cubes and vomiting
Than your favorite pastime...
Clinking ice cubes and vomiting
on yourself.
Clinking ice cubes and vomiting
on yourself.
[Laughter]
On yourself.
[Laughter]
jane, you ignorant slut.
[Laughter]
jane, you ignorant slut.
There's no definitive proof that
Jane, you ignorant slut.
There's no definitive proof that
jogging is good for your health.
There's no definitive proof that
jogging is good for your health.
If you fat-conscious liberals
Jogging is good for your health.
If you fat-conscious liberals
would spend as much time
If you fat-conscious liberals
would spend as much time
thinking as you do jogging, then
Would spend as much time
thinking as you do jogging, then
maybe you could figure out
Thinking as you do jogging, then
maybe you could figure out
somehow to trim the fat off big
Maybe you could figure out
somehow to trim the fat off big
government.
Somehow to trim the fat off big
government.
Besides, jogging is just an
Government.
Besides, jogging is just an
excuse for hussies like yourself
Besides, jogging is just an
excuse for hussies like yourself
to run around the neighborhood
Excuse for hussies like yourself
to run around the neighborhood
showing your scantily clad body
To run around the neighborhood
showing your scantily clad body
as an advertisement for sex...
Showing your scantily clad body
as an advertisement for sex...
So you can get enough before you
As an advertisement for sex...
So you can get enough before you
dry up from menopause.
So you can get enough before you
dry up from menopause.
[Laughter, applause]
Dry up from menopause.
[Laughter, applause]
that's the news.
[Laughter, applause]
that's the news.
Good night, and have a pleasant
That's the news.
Good night, and have a pleasant
summer.
Good night, and have a pleasant
summer.
Announcer: "weekend update"
Summer.
Announcer: "weekend update"
was brought to you by
Announcer: "weekend update"
was brought to you by
terra-clot.
Was brought to you by
terra-clot.
Terra-clot... Keep your lungs
Terra-clot.
Terra-clot... Keep your lungs
insect-free.
Terra-clot... Keep your lungs
insect-free.
[Applause continues]
[Dishes clattering]
cheeseburger, cheeseburger,
cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger,
cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger,
Cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger,
cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger,
cheeseburger!
Three chip, three pepsi!
Cheeseburger!
Three chip, three pepsi!
Three chip, three pepsi!
Three chip, three pepsi!
Three chip, three pepsi!
Okay, what are you gonna
Three chip, three pepsi!
Okay, what are you gonna
have, honey?
Okay, what are you gonna
have, honey?
I think I'll have the usual,
Have, honey?
I think I'll have the usual,
pete.
I think I'll have the usual,
pete.
Cheeseburger!
Pete.
Cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger!
Chip!
Cheeseburger!
Chip!
Chip!
Chip!
Chip!
Pepsi!
Chip!
Pepsi!
Pepsi!
Pepsi!
Pepsi!
Hey, can I have a refill on
Pepsi!
Hey, can I have a refill on
this coffee?
Hey, can I have a refill on
this coffee?
No.
This coffee?
No.
Hey, man, I can't have a
No.
Hey, man, I can't have a
refill of coffee, man?
Hey, man, I can't have a
refill of coffee, man?
It's too late.
Refill of coffee, man?
It's too late.
Uh, you should have asked for
It's too late.
Uh, you should have asked for
the refill while you were still
Uh, you should have asked for
the refill while you were still
eating the cheeseburger.
The refill while you were still
eating the cheeseburger.
They don't give refills when
Eating the cheeseburger.
They don't give refills when
you're done eating.
They don't give refills when
you're done eating.
Okay, I'll pay for the second
You're done eating.
Okay, I'll pay for the second
cup of coffee.
Okay, I'll pay for the second
cup of coffee.
No, go.
Cup of coffee.
No, go.
Come on, I got to have turnover!
No, go.
Come on, I got to have turnover!
Come on, let's go!
Come on, I got to have turnover!
Come on, let's go!
I just want to read the
Come on, let's go!
I just want to read the
article.
I just want to read the
article.
You want to read, you go to
Article.
You want to read, you go to
library, you want to read!
You want to read, you go to
library, you want to read!
Get out of here!
Library, you want to read!
Get out of here!
Okay!
Get out of here!
Okay!
Come on!
Okay!
Come on!
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger!
Come on!
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger!
Two chip, two pepsi!
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger!
Two chip, two pepsi!
Two chip, two pepsi!
Two chip, two pepsi!
Two chip, two pepsi!
Okay, what are you gonna
Two chip, two pepsi!
Okay, what are you gonna
have?
Okay, what are you gonna
have?
Um, I'll have a fried-egg
Have?
Um, I'll have a fried-egg
sandwich.
Um, I'll have a fried-egg
sandwich.
Uh, no egg... Cheeseburger.
Sandwich.
Uh, no egg... Cheeseburger.
How do you cook your
Uh, no egg... Cheeseburger.
How do you cook your
cheeseburgers?
How do you cook your
cheeseburgers?
Good.
Cheeseburgers?
Good.
No, I mean, in what manner
Good.
No, I mean, in what manner
are they cooked?
No, I mean, in what manner
are they cooked?
They are cooked good.
Are they cooked?
They are cooked good.
What do you mean?
They are cooked good.
What do you mean?
Uh, pete.
What do you mean?
Uh, pete.
That lamb in the basement is
Uh, pete.
That lamb in the basement is
loose again.
That lamb in the basement is
loose again.
Ah.
Loose again.
Ah.
Excuse me.
Ah.
Excuse me.
Do you just have burgers here?
Excuse me.
Do you just have burgers here?
Well, do you think I could get
Do you just have burgers here?
Well, do you think I could get
one broiled?
Well, do you think I could get
one broiled?
I could?
One broiled?
I could?
Aw, good.
I could?
Aw, good.
'Cause I just read an article
Aw, good.
'Cause I just read an article
that said that meat cooked on a
'Cause I just read an article
that said that meat cooked on a
grill causes cancer.
That said that meat cooked on a
grill causes cancer.
Did you read that?
Grill causes cancer.
Did you read that?
Cheeseburger?
Did you read that?
Cheeseburger?
Yeah, cheeseburgers, too.
Cheeseburger?
Yeah, cheeseburgers, too.
It's cooking the meat too close
Yeah, cheeseburgers, too.
It's cooking the meat too close
to the flame that causes it.
It's cooking the meat too close
to the flame that causes it.
Ah, come on, come on.
To the flame that causes it.
Ah, come on, come on.
Get out of here.
Ah, come on, come on.
Get out of here.
What you gonna have?
Get out of here.
What you gonna have?
Uh, I'll have a broiled
What you gonna have?
Uh, I'll have a broiled
hamburger.
Uh, I'll have a broiled
hamburger.
No hamburger.
Hamburger.
No hamburger.
Cheeseburger.
No hamburger.
Cheeseburger.
Could I get it broiled?
Cheeseburger.
Could I get it broiled?
You want it broiled?
Could I get it broiled?
You want it broiled?
Okay.
You want it broiled?
Okay.
Sure, we give you broiled.
Okay.
Sure, we give you broiled.
All right?
Sure, we give you broiled.
All right?
Okay, I'll have a broiled
All right?
Okay, I'll have a broiled
hamburger well-done.
Okay, I'll have a broiled
hamburger well-done.
Cheeseburger!
Hamburger well-done.
Cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger!
Hello?
Cheeseburger!
Hello?
Hey!
Hello?
Hey!
How are you?
Hey!
How are you?
I'm al from rent-a-doberman.
How are you?
I'm al from rent-a-doberman.
What?
I'm al from rent-a-doberman.
What?
I'm from lease-a-doberman.
What?
I'm from lease-a-doberman.
Ah, eh?
I'm from lease-a-doberman.
Ah, eh?
A guard-dog company.
Ah, eh?
A guard-dog company.
Somebody here called, said they
A guard-dog company.
Somebody here called, said they
wanted to, uh, rent a guard dog.
Somebody here called, said they
wanted to, uh, rent a guard dog.
How much?
Wanted to, uh, rent a guard dog.
How much?
Well, it's like I tried to
How much?
Well, it's like I tried to
tell you on the phone.
Well, it's like I tried to
tell you on the phone.
It depends on the type of dog
Tell you on the phone.
It depends on the type of dog
you want, how many hours per
It depends on the type of dog
you want, how many hours per
night you want him for.
You want, how many hours per
night you want him for.
I should think a place like
Night you want him for.
I should think a place like
this, uh, would need only one
I should think a place like
this, uh, would need only one
dog.
This, uh, would need only one
dog.
What time do you, uh... What
Dog.
What time do you, uh... What
time do you close?
What time do you, uh... What
time do you close?
11:00.
Time do you close?
11:00.
What time do you open?
11:00.
What time do you open?
5:00.
What time do you open?
5:00.
Hmm, well, we could drop a
5:00.
Hmm, well, we could drop a
dog off at 11:00, pick him up at
Hmm, well, we could drop a
dog off at 11:00, pick him up at
quarter to 5:00, but just
Dog off at 11:00, pick him up at
quarter to 5:00, but just
remember, nobody can come in
Quarter to 5:00, but just
remember, nobody can come in
here between those hours without
Remember, nobody can come in
here between those hours without
getting his arm bit off.
Here between those hours without
getting his arm bit off.
All right.
Getting his arm bit off.
All right.
How much?
All right.
How much?
Just a minute, I'll figure it
How much?
Just a minute, I'll figure it
out.
Just a minute, I'll figure it
out.
All right.
Out.
All right.
Hey, uh, pete, doesn't, uh,
All right.
Hey, uh, pete, doesn't, uh,
nico here sleep in the back?
Hey, uh, pete, doesn't, uh,
nico here sleep in the back?
Uh-oh, oh, oh!
Nico here sleep in the back?
Uh-oh, oh, oh!
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Uh-oh, oh, oh!
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Nobody's gonna be able to sleep
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Nobody's gonna be able to sleep
around no hungry dobie.
Nobody's gonna be able to sleep
around no hungry dobie.
[Laughs]
Around no hungry dobie.
[Laughs]
we don't feed them much.
[Laughs]
we don't feed them much.
Keeps them perky.
We don't feed them much.
Keeps them perky.
All right.
Keeps them perky.
All right.
Somebody broke in next door.
All right.
Somebody broke in next door.
I need protection, you know?
Somebody broke in next door.
I need protection, you know?
But, pete, what about nico?
I need protection, you know?
But, pete, what about nico?
Who's afraid of him?
But, pete, what about nico?
Who's afraid of him?
I need protection.
Who's afraid of him?
I need protection.
Dogs.
I need protection.
Dogs.
You mean, when the dog comes,
Dogs.
You mean, when the dog comes,
you're going to fire nico?
You mean, when the dog comes,
you're going to fire nico?
No.
You're going to fire nico?
No.
Now!
No.
Now!
Oh, who's going to tell him
Now!
Oh, who's going to tell him
he's fired?
Oh, who's going to tell him
he's fired?
You... You tell him.
He's fired?
You... You tell him.
No, not me.
You... You tell him.
No, not me.
Hey, george.
No, not me.
Hey, george.
Why don't you tell him he's
Hey, george.
Why don't you tell him he's
fired?
Why don't you tell him he's
fired?
No, no, not me, pete.
Fired?
No, no, not me, pete.
Not me, pete.
No, no, not me, pete.
Not me, pete.
All right, all right.
Not me, pete.
All right, all right.
I'll tell him.
All right, all right.
I'll tell him.
You fired!
I'll tell him.
You fired!
Goodbye!
You fired!
Goodbye!
Goodbye!
Goodbye!
Goodbye!
Adios.
Goodbye!
Adios.
Bye-bye.
Adios.
Bye-bye.
You fired, bye.
Bye-bye.
You fired, bye.
Bye, bye, bye, bye.
You fired, bye.
Bye, bye, bye, bye.
Hmm, huh?
Bye, bye, bye, bye.
Hmm, huh?
How much?
Hmm, huh?
How much?
$55 A week.
How much?
$55 A week.
$20.
$55 A week.
$20.
No, no, $55 is the lowest I
$20.
No, no, $55 is the lowest I
can charge you.
No, no, $55 is the lowest I
can charge you.
We'd be making a special pickup
Can charge you.
We'd be making a special pickup
at that time of the morning.
We'd be making a special pickup
at that time of the morning.
Come on.
At that time of the morning.
Come on.
Well, maybe there is
Come on.
Well, maybe there is
something I can do.
Well, maybe there is
something I can do.
All right, go.
Something I can do.
All right, go.
Out!
All right, go.
Out!
Now, I got a couple of
Out!
Now, I got a couple of
9-month-old german shepherds I'm
Now, I got a couple of
9-month-old german shepherds I'm
having some problems with.
9-Month-old german shepherds I'm
having some problems with.
I'll put them both in here.
Having some problems with.
I'll put them both in here.
I'll only charge you $45.
I'll put them both in here.
I'll only charge you $45.
$20.
I'll only charge you $45.
$20.
There's no way I can put two
$20.
There's no way I can put two
dogs in here for $20 a week.
There's no way I can put two
dogs in here for $20 a week.
It costs me that much just to
Dogs in here for $20 a week.
It costs me that much just to
feed them.
It costs me that much just to
feed them.
Uh...$22.
Feed them.
Uh...$22.
All right, look.
Uh...$22.
All right, look.
I'm sorry.
All right, look.
I'm sorry.
$45 Is the absolute minimum
I'm sorry.
$45 Is the absolute minimum
price.
$45 Is the absolute minimum
price.
If you change your mind, here's
Price.
If you change your mind, here's
my card.
If you change your mind, here's
my card.
Ah.
My card.
Ah.
Nico.
Ah.
Nico.
Come on.
Nico.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
All right.
Come on.
All right.
Everything all right?
All right.
Everything all right?
Huh?
Everything all right?
Huh?
You got it?
Huh?
You got it?
Hey, wait.
You got it?
Hey, wait.
This cheeseburger wasn't
Hey, wait.
This cheeseburger wasn't
broiled.
This cheeseburger wasn't
broiled.
I just saw him take it off the
Broiled.
I just saw him take it off the
grill.
I just saw him take it off the
grill.
What to drink?
Grill.
What to drink?
I ordered a broiled
What to drink?
I ordered a broiled
hamburger.
I ordered a broiled
hamburger.
This is not a broiled hamburger.
Hamburger.
This is not a broiled hamburger.
Okay, okay, what do you want
This is not a broiled hamburger.
Okay, okay, what do you want
to drink?
Okay, okay, what do you want
to drink?
Come on, come on, come on.
To drink?
Come on, come on, come on.
I'm afraid if I order a coke,
Come on, come on, come on.
I'm afraid if I order a coke,
I'll get a pepsi.
I'm afraid if I order a coke,
I'll get a pepsi.
No coke... Pepsi.
I'll get a pepsi.
No coke... Pepsi.
Okay, pepsi!
No coke... Pepsi.
Okay, pepsi!
Pepsi!
Okay, pepsi!
Pepsi!
Peps-i-i-i!
Pepsi!
Peps-i-i-i!
Pepsi, pepsi, pepsi, pepsi!
Peps-i-i-i!
Pepsi, pepsi, pepsi, pepsi!
Pepsi.
Pepsi, pepsi, pepsi, pepsi!
Pepsi.
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger!
Pepsi.
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger!
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger!
Three chip, three pepsi!
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger!
Three chip, three pepsi!
[Applause]
[Jazz music plays]
♪ some like it hot ♪
♪ some like it cold ♪
♪ Some like it hot ♪
♪ some like it cold ♪
♪ some like it in the grave ♪
♪ Some like it cold ♪
♪ some like it in the grave ♪
♪ 9 years old ♪
♪ Some like it in the grave ♪
♪ 9 years old ♪
♪ look out for the baby ghouls ♪
♪ 9 Years old ♪
♪ look out for the baby ghouls ♪
♪ they're breaking all the
♪ Look out for the baby ghouls ♪
♪ they're breaking all the
rules ♪
♪ They're breaking all the
rules ♪
♪ look out, look out, you
Rules ♪
♪ look out, look out, you
fools ♪
♪ Look out, look out, you
fools ♪
♪ for the baby ghouls ♪
♪ They'll ask for a candy bar ♪
♪ show their appendix scar ♪
♪ ride in your fancy car ♪
♪ Show their appendix scar ♪
♪ ride in your fancy car ♪
♪ on their way to school ♪
♪ Ride in your fancy car ♪
♪ on their way to school ♪
♪ they're driving you insane ♪
♪ On their way to school ♪
♪ they're driving you insane ♪
♪ gobbling up your brain ♪
♪ They're driving you insane ♪
♪ gobbling up your brain ♪
♪ playing out in the rain ♪
♪ Gobbling up your brain ♪
♪ playing out in the rain ♪
♪ by the swimming pool ♪
♪ Playing out in the rain ♪
♪ by the swimming pool ♪
I was driving down route 17,
♪ By the swimming pool ♪
I was driving down route 17,
saw this little-girl hitchhiker,
I was driving down route 17,
saw this little-girl hitchhiker,
and I picked her up.
Saw this little-girl hitchhiker,
and I picked her up.
And I noticed that when she
And I picked her up.
And I noticed that when she
crossed her legs, I could see my
And I noticed that when she
crossed her legs, I could see my
face reflected in her black
Crossed her legs, I could see my
face reflected in her black
patent-leather shoes.
Face reflected in her black
patent-leather shoes.
Well, we were driving for a
Patent-leather shoes.
Well, we were driving for a
while, and she turns to me and
Well, we were driving for a
while, and she turns to me and
says, "hey, mister.
While, and she turns to me and
says, "hey, mister.
Hey, mister, I like your flesh.
Says, "hey, mister.
Hey, mister, I like your flesh.
Let's you and me go park."
Hey, mister, I like your flesh.
Let's you and me go park."
And I say, "how about lover's
Let's you and me go park."
And I say, "how about lover's
lane?"
And I say, "how about lover's
lane?"
And she says, "no, let's go to
Lane?"
And she says, "no, let's go to
the cemetery.
And she says, "no, let's go to
the cemetery.
No one will bother us there."
The cemetery.
No one will bother us there."
And so we drive to the cemetery,
No one will bother us there."
And so we drive to the cemetery,
and I'm laying on the grass and
And so we drive to the cemetery,
and I'm laying on the grass and
telling her what pretty... Red...
And I'm laying on the grass and
telling her what pretty... Red...
Lips she has.
Telling her what pretty... Red...
Lips she has.
She replies, "mama says no
Lips she has.
She replies, "mama says no
lipstick, so we dip our lips in
She replies, "mama says no
lipstick, so we dip our lips in
blood."
Lipstick, so we dip our lips in
blood."
And I look up at the tombstone,
Blood."
And I look up at the tombstone,
and on it is carved my own name.
And I look up at the tombstone,
and on it is carved my own name.
Whoo!
And on it is carved my own name.
Whoo!
♪ One morning, you wake up
Whoo!
♪ One morning, you wake up
dead ♪
♪ One morning, you wake up
dead ♪
♪ teddy bear by your bed ♪
Dead ♪
♪ teddy bear by your bed ♪
♪ they want to give you
♪ Teddy bear by your bed ♪
♪ they want to give you
headstones, the baby ghouls ♪
♪ They want to give you
headstones, the baby ghouls ♪
♪ bloodstains on the party
Headstones, the baby ghouls ♪
♪ bloodstains on the party
dress ♪
♪ Bloodstains on the party
dress ♪
♪ little white gloves a mess ♪
Dress ♪
♪ little white gloves a mess ♪
♪ look out for the prepubes of
♪ Little white gloves a mess ♪
♪ look out for the prepubes of
the baby ghouls ♪
♪ Look out for the prepubes of
the baby ghouls ♪
♪ look out for the prepubes of
The baby ghouls ♪
♪ look out for the prepubes of
the baby ghouls ♪
♪ Look out for the prepubes of
the baby ghouls ♪
♪ look out for the prepubes-s ♪
The baby ghouls ♪
♪ look out for the prepubes-s ♪
♪ of the baby ghouls ♪
♪ Look out for the prepubes-s ♪
♪ of the baby ghouls ♪
[cheers and applause]
Good evening, and welcome to
"more insects to worry about."
I'm your host, joan face.
"More insects to worry about."
I'm your host, joan face.
Tonight's guest is one of the
I'm your host, joan face.
Tonight's guest is one of the
country's leading entomologists,
Tonight's guest is one of the
country's leading entomologists,
dr. Russell bedanza.
Country's leading entomologists,
dr. Russell bedanza.
It's very, very nice to be
Dr. Russell bedanza.
It's very, very nice to be
here, miss face.
It's very, very nice to be
here, miss face.
I love your show.
Here, miss face.
I love your show.
For me, it's the only thing on
I love your show.
For me, it's the only thing on
television worth watching.
For me, it's the only thing on
television worth watching.
Oh, thank you, dr. Bedanza.
Television worth watching.
Oh, thank you, dr. Bedanza.
You devoted your life to the
Oh, thank you, dr. Bedanza.
You devoted your life to the
study of insects, cataloguing
You devoted your life to the
study of insects, cataloguing
them, photographing them, even
Study of insects, cataloguing
them, photographing them, even
living amongst them as an
Them, photographing them, even
living amongst them as an
insect.
Living amongst them as an
insect.
Now, I ask this of everyone who
Insect.
Now, I ask this of everyone who
comes on this show, and if you
Now, I ask this of everyone who
comes on this show, and if you
had to pick one insect out of
Comes on this show, and if you
had to pick one insect out of
the whole insect kingdom that
Had to pick one insect out of
the whole insect kingdom that
was the biggest threat to the
The whole insect kingdom that
was the biggest threat to the
survival of the human species,
Was the biggest threat to the
survival of the human species,
what would that insect be?
Survival of the human species,
what would that insect be?
[Chuckles]
What would that insect be?
[Chuckles]
oh, boy.
[Chuckles]
oh, boy.
Whoo, that's a tough one.
Oh, boy.
Whoo, that's a tough one.
I hate to single one out when
Whoo, that's a tough one.
I hate to single one out when
there are so many.
I hate to single one out when
there are so many.
Now, let's see.
There are so many.
Now, let's see.
There is, of course, the
Now, let's see.
There is, of course, the
mucous-flinging long f*gg*t...
There is, of course, the
mucous-flinging long f*gg*t...
Maggot, sorry...
Mucous-flinging long f*gg*t...
Maggot, sorry...
The... The common crotch wasp, a
Maggot, sorry...
The... The common crotch wasp, a
tricky little devil...
The... The common crotch wasp, a
tricky little devil...
And the whooping slug.
Tricky little devil...
And the whooping slug.
Oh, aren't they the ones that
And the whooping slug.
Oh, aren't they the ones that
fasten themselves to the human
Oh, aren't they the ones that
fasten themselves to the human
eyeball and just suck like
Fasten themselves to the human
eyeball and just suck like
there's no tomorrow?
Eyeball and just suck like
there's no tomorrow?
Exactly.
There's no tomorrow?
Exactly.
They're a real nuisance,
Exactly.
They're a real nuisance,
miss face.
They're a real nuisance,
miss face.
You actually have to steam them
Miss face.
You actually have to steam them
off.
You actually have to steam them
off.
But for a real nightmare insect,
Off.
But for a real nightmare insect,
make mine the bedanza mite.
But for a real nightmare insect,
make mine the bedanza mite.
The bedanza mite, named after
Make mine the bedanza mite.
The bedanza mite, named after
you?
The bedanza mite, named after
you?
No, I'm named after it.
You?
No, I'm named after it.
Well, what makes the bedanza
No, I'm named after it.
Well, what makes the bedanza
mite such a threat?
Well, what makes the bedanza
mite such a threat?
Well, they're a burrowing
Mite such a threat?
Well, they're a burrowing
mite whose favorite habitat is
Well, they're a burrowing
mite whose favorite habitat is
the human brain.
Mite whose favorite habitat is
the human brain.
80% Of their body weight is in
The human brain.
80% Of their body weight is in
their mouth parts, so you can
80% Of their body weight is in
their mouth parts, so you can
well imagine how voraciously
Their mouth parts, so you can
well imagine how voraciously
they can tunnel through that
Well imagine how voraciously
they can tunnel through that
gray matter.
They can tunnel through that
gray matter.
They make it look easy.
Gray matter.
They make it look easy.
Well, how do they get in
They make it look easy.
Well, how do they get in
there?
Well, how do they get in
there?
Do they gnaw their way through
There?
Do they gnaw their way through
the skull?
Do they gnaw their way through
the skull?
Well, they could if they
The skull?
Well, they could if they
wanted, but they seem to prefer
Well, they could if they
wanted, but they seem to prefer
natural openings, like the
Wanted, but they seem to prefer
natural openings, like the
mouth, ears, nostrils, tear
Natural openings, like the
mouth, ears, nostrils, tear
ducts... Any aperture at all.
Mouth, ears, nostrils, tear
ducts... Any aperture at all.
They can't walk by one without
Ducts... Any aperture at all.
They can't walk by one without
going in.
They can't walk by one without
going in.
Well, what do they do once
Going in.
Well, what do they do once
they're in the brain?
Well, what do they do once
they're in the brain?
Ah, during the day, they
They're in the brain?
Ah, during the day, they
excavate.
Ah, during the day, they
excavate.
During the night, they scavenge.
Excavate.
During the night, they scavenge.
That is, they go out and look
During the night, they scavenge.
That is, they go out and look
for interesting things to bring
That is, they go out and look
for interesting things to bring
back inside.
For interesting things to bring
back inside.
What sort of things?
Back inside.
What sort of things?
Oh, whatever is close at
What sort of things?
Oh, whatever is close at
hand, usually things found on
Oh, whatever is close at
hand, usually things found on
the host's night table... Loose
Hand, usually things found on
the host's night table... Loose
change, ticket stubs, breath
The host's night table... Loose
change, ticket stubs, breath
mints.
Change, ticket stubs, breath
mints.
Generally small things.
Mints.
Generally small things.
Ah, you would be surprised,
Generally small things.
Ah, you would be surprised,
miss face, what these mites can
Ah, you would be surprised,
miss face, what these mites can
pack into a hollowed-out human
Miss face, what these mites can
pack into a hollowed-out human
cranium.
Pack into a hollowed-out human
cranium.
Now, autopsies have turned up
Cranium.
Now, autopsies have turned up
car keys, checkbooks, jars of
Now, autopsies have turned up
car keys, checkbooks, jars of
cold cream, and once a paperback
Car keys, checkbooks, jars of
cold cream, and once a paperback
copy of "shogun."
Cold cream, and once a paperback
copy of "shogun."
It's incredible.
Copy of "shogun."
It's incredible.
It seems like the worst victims
It's incredible.
It seems like the worst victims
are people who sleep with their
It seems like the worst victims
are people who sleep with their
mouths or their legs open.
Are people who sleep with their
mouths or their legs open.
Why do they do it?
Mouths or their legs open.
Why do they do it?
For art, miss face.
Why do they do it?
For art, miss face.
Don't ask me why, but these
For art, miss face.
Don't ask me why, but these
insects fancy themselves as
Don't ask me why, but these
insects fancy themselves as
artists.
Insects fancy themselves as
artists.
To them, a collection of loose
Artists.
To them, a collection of loose
objects hung inside someone's
To them, a collection of loose
objects hung inside someone's
head is art.
Objects hung inside someone's
head is art.
They make art?
Head is art.
They make art?
Ah, well, they call it art.
They make art?
Ah, well, they call it art.
Look, I'm an entomologist, not
Ah, well, they call it art.
Look, I'm an entomologist, not
an art critic.
Look, I'm an entomologist, not
an art critic.
But I know what I like.
An art critic.
But I know what I like.
Frankly, I've got a 4-year-old
But I know what I like.
Frankly, I've got a 4-year-old
at home who can do better than
Frankly, I've got a 4-year-old
at home who can do better than
these insects.
At home who can do better than
these insects.
Then you're married.
These insects.
Then you're married.
Well, no.
Then you're married.
Well, no.
Mrs. Bedanza passed away.
Well, no.
Mrs. Bedanza passed away.
Bedanza mites?
Mrs. Bedanza passed away.
Bedanza mites?
Yes.
Bedanza mites?
Yes.
Mrs. Bedanza was a mouth
Yes.
Mrs. Bedanza was a mouth
breather.
Mrs. Bedanza was a mouth
breather.
Things kept disappearing around
Breather.
Things kept disappearing around
the house, but we never put two
Things kept disappearing around
the house, but we never put two
and two together till one day
The house, but we never put two
and two together till one day
the top of head caved in.
And two together till one day
the top of head caved in.
I'm very sorry.
The top of head caved in.
I'm very sorry.
I kind of blame myself,
I'm very sorry.
I kind of blame myself,
but... But back to mite art.
I kind of blame myself,
but... But back to mite art.
You know, some of their work's
But... But back to mite art.
You know, some of their work's
not altogether bad.
You know, some of their work's
not altogether bad.
There's a colony of them out on
Not altogether bad.
There's a colony of them out on
the coast that are branching out
There's a colony of them out on
the coast that are branching out
into some new areas.
The coast that are branching out
into some new areas.
I did catch a very interesting
Into some new areas.
I did catch a very interesting
show of theirs that's on in
I did catch a very interesting
show of theirs that's on in
don ho's rear end.
Show of theirs that's on in
don ho's rear end.
Oh, what's it like?
Don ho's rear end.
Oh, what's it like?
Well, it's hard to describe.
Oh, what's it like?
Well, it's hard to describe.
You've really got to see it for
Well, it's hard to describe.
You've really got to see it for
yourself.
You've really got to see it for
yourself.
For instance, there's this
Yourself.
For instance, there's this
swizzle stick from trader...
For instance, there's this
swizzle stick from trader...
Oh, no, no, no, don't spoil
Swizzle stick from trader...
Oh, no, no, no, don't spoil
it for me.
Oh, no, no, no, don't spoil
it for me.
Don't.
It for me.
Don't.
How long is it going to be on?
Don't.
How long is it going to be on?
I think it's on through june,
How long is it going to be on?
I think it's on through june,
but then don's going back to
I think it's on through june,
but then don's going back to
hawaii, and he'll probably take
But then don's going back to
hawaii, and he'll probably take
the exhibit with him.
Hawaii, and he'll probably take
the exhibit with him.
Oh, I'll have to see it.
The exhibit with him.
Oh, I'll have to see it.
One thing... Don't go on a
Oh, I'll have to see it.
One thing... Don't go on a
sunday.
One thing... Don't go on a
sunday.
The crowds are incredible.
Sunday.
The crowds are incredible.
They line up for miles.
The crowds are incredible.
They line up for miles.
Thank you.
They line up for miles.
Thank you.
You know, I wouldn't mind
Thank you.
You know, I wouldn't mind
seeing it again myself.
You know, I wouldn't mind
seeing it again myself.
Well, great.
Seeing it again myself.
Well, great.
I'd like that very much.
Well, great.
I'd like that very much.
Well, that about wraps it up for
I'd like that very much.
Well, that about wraps it up for
tonight.
Well, that about wraps it up for
tonight.
Join us next week, when we'll
Tonight.
Join us next week, when we'll
worry about disco lice.
Join us next week, when we'll
worry about disco lice.
Thank you.
Worry about disco lice.
Thank you.
[Cheers and applause]
Tommy, get me out of here in
a hurry, will you?
I want to go to the track.
A hurry, will you?
I want to go to the track.
Okay, boss.
I want to go to the track.
Okay, boss.
Okay, cheryl, sweetheart,
Okay, boss.
Okay, cheryl, sweetheart,
let's have you here.
Okay, cheryl, sweetheart,
let's have you here.
Okay, kitten, in this scene,
Let's have you here.
Okay, kitten, in this scene,
you're the spoiled little girl,
Okay, kitten, in this scene,
you're the spoiled little girl,
okay?
You're the spoiled little girl,
okay?
Every time you get a new toy,
Okay?
Every time you get a new toy,
you either break it or throw it
Every time you get a new toy,
you either break it or throw it
away or get bored with it right
You either break it or throw it
away or get bored with it right
away, okay?
Away or get bored with it right
away, okay?
Okay.
Away, okay?
Okay.
Okay, and you're the same way
Okay.
Okay, and you're the same way
with your little puppy, all
Okay, and you're the same way
with your little puppy, all
right?
With your little puppy, all
right?
You want it, you promise to take
Right?
You want it, you promise to take
care of it, but then it was too
You want it, you promise to take
care of it, but then it was too
much work, okay?
Care of it, but then it was too
much work, okay?
Right... How old am I
Much work, okay?
Right... How old am I
supposed to be?
Right... How old am I
supposed to be?
About 10 years old.
Supposed to be?
About 10 years old.
I'm 12.
About 10 years old.
I'm 12.
Well, do you think you could
I'm 12.
Well, do you think you could
play a spoiled little
Well, do you think you could
play a spoiled little
10-year-old, huh?
Play a spoiled little
10-year-old, huh?
I think so.
10-Year-old, huh?
I think so.
Good.
I think so.
Good.
Isn't she a little pro,
Good.
Isn't she a little pro,
everybody?
Isn't she a little pro,
everybody?
Great, okay.
Everybody?
Great, okay.
All right, now, gwen, please,
Great, okay.
All right, now, gwen, please,
may I have you?
All right, now, gwen, please,
may I have you?
In this scene, you're the
May I have you?
In this scene, you're the
permissive mother, okay?
In this scene, you're the
permissive mother, okay?
You let your daughter get away
Permissive mother, okay?
You let your daughter get away
with everything, all right?
You let your daughter get away
with everything, all right?
Oh, sounds like my own home.
With everything, all right?
Oh, sounds like my own home.
[Laughs]
Oh, sounds like my own home.
[Laughs]
terrific, honey.
[Laughs]
terrific, honey.
Howard, where are you?
Terrific, honey.
Howard, where are you?
Come here, my psychotic father
Howard, where are you?
Come here, my psychotic father
in this scene.
Come here, my psychotic father
in this scene.
All right, okay, you're
In this scene.
All right, okay, you're
psychotic.
All right, okay, you're
psychotic.
You hate your wife.
Psychotic.
You hate your wife.
The only reason the marriage is
You hate your wife.
The only reason the marriage is
still together is because of the
The only reason the marriage is
still together is because of the
little one, and you hate her
Still together is because of the
little one, and you hate her
because she's spoiled.
Little one, and you hate her
because she's spoiled.
So, who do you take it out on?
Because she's spoiled.
So, who do you take it out on?
The defenseless little puppy.
So, who do you take it out on?
The defenseless little puppy.
Got you, right.
The defenseless little puppy.
Got you, right.
I knew you would, come on.
Got you, right.
I knew you would, come on.
All right, okay, let's bring
I knew you would, come on.
All right, okay, let's bring
in...
All right, okay, let's bring
in...
Roy.
In...
Roy.
Roy, all right.
Roy.
Roy, all right.
Get in here, fella.
Roy, all right.
Get in here, fella.
Okay, terrific.
Get in here, fella.
Okay, terrific.
How is sparky today?
Okay, terrific.
How is sparky today?
Hey, fella.
How is sparky today?
Hey, fella.
Now, roy, in this scene, I want
Hey, fella.
Now, roy, in this scene, I want
sparky to play the helpless,
Now, roy, in this scene, I want
sparky to play the helpless,
unloved puppy.
Sparky to play the helpless,
unloved puppy.
No one's taking care of him.
Unloved puppy.
No one's taking care of him.
No one's training him.
No one's taking care of him.
No one's training him.
He's confused.
No one's training him.
He's confused.
He's nervous.
He's confused.
He's nervous.
So he makes a doo-doo on the
He's nervous.
So he makes a doo-doo on the
rug.
So he makes a doo-doo on the
rug.
Can sparky do that?
Rug.
Can sparky do that?
Sure, he can.
Can sparky do that?
Sure, he can.
Now, you heard the man.
Sure, he can.
Now, you heard the man.
Now, sparky, when I do this, you
Now, you heard the man.
Now, sparky, when I do this, you
make doo-doo on the rug.
Now, sparky, when I do this, you
make doo-doo on the rug.
Okay.
Make doo-doo on the rug.
Okay.
Attaboy, thanks, roy.
Okay.
Attaboy, thanks, roy.
You're amazing.
Attaboy, thanks, roy.
You're amazing.
Okay, places, everybody, please.
You're amazing.
Okay, places, everybody, please.
Tommy, come in here and do me a
Okay, places, everybody, please.
Tommy, come in here and do me a
favor.
Tommy, come in here and do me a
favor.
Will you roll them for me?
Favor.
Will you roll them for me?
Slate it, tommy.
Will you roll them for me?
Slate it, tommy.
"Animal abuse," scene 3, take
Slate it, tommy.
"Animal abuse," scene 3, take
1.
"Animal abuse," scene 3, take
1.
All right, settle in.
1.
All right, settle in.
And action.
All right, settle in.
And action.
Marilyn, I thought I told you
And action.
Marilyn, I thought I told you
not to bring the dog into the
Marilyn, I thought I told you
not to bring the dog into the
living room.
Not to bring the dog into the
living room.
Oh, please!
Living room.
Oh, please!
No.
Oh, please!
No.
I don't want it on the new
No.
I don't want it on the new
carpet.
I don't want it on the new
carpet.
Now take it out.
Carpet.
Now take it out.
No!
Now take it out.
No!
Oh, let her keep it in here.
No!
Oh, let her keep it in here.
It'll be okay.
Oh, let her keep it in here.
It'll be okay.
[Sparky whimpers]
It'll be okay.
[Sparky whimpers]
oh, dad, look what the dog
[Sparky whimpers]
oh, dad, look what the dog
did.
Oh, dad, look what the dog
did.
Okay, marilyn, you clean it
Did.
Okay, marilyn, you clean it
up.
Okay, marilyn, you clean it
up.
I don't want to.
Up.
I don't want to.
Now, listen, you promised me
I don't want to.
Now, listen, you promised me
that you would take care of that
Now, listen, you promised me
that you would take care of that
stupid dog.
That you would take care of that
stupid dog.
Now you clean it up.
Stupid dog.
Now you clean it up.
She's only 10 years old.
Now you clean it up.
She's only 10 years old.
You can't expect her to clean it
She's only 10 years old.
You can't expect her to clean it
up.
You can't expect her to clean it
up.
All right, then you clean it
Up.
All right, then you clean it
up!
All right, then you clean it
up!
The dog was your idea.
Up!
The dog was your idea.
I can't.
The dog was your idea.
I can't.
I'd vomit.
I can't.
I'd vomit.
Okay, I suppose I'll have to
I'd vomit.
Okay, I suppose I'll have to
clean up after it again.
Okay, I suppose I'll have to
clean up after it again.
This is it.
Clean up after it again.
This is it.
I'm getting rid of this damn
This is it.
I'm getting rid of this damn
dog.
I'm getting rid of this damn
dog.
Well, I don't care, 'cause I
Dog.
Well, I don't care, 'cause I
don't want it anymore anyway!
Well, I don't care, 'cause I
don't want it anymore anyway!
Now you've upset her.
Don't want it anymore anyway!
Now you've upset her.
Marilyn, honey.
Now you've upset her.
Marilyn, honey.
I don't know what to do.
Marilyn, honey.
I don't know what to do.
I... You... You stupid mutt,
I don't know what to do.
I... You... You stupid mutt,
stop it.
I... You... You stupid mutt,
stop it.
You're doing it again.
Stop it.
You're doing it again.
No, no!
You're doing it again.
No, no!
I said stop it.
No, no!
I said stop it.
Stop it.
I said stop it.
Stop it.
Stop it!
Stop it.
Stop it!
Cut.
Stop it!
Cut.
Okay.
Cut.
Okay.
Bring in the stunt puppy.
Okay.
Bring in the stunt puppy.
Okay, that was very sweet, very
Bring in the stunt puppy.
Okay, that was very sweet, very
tasty, howard.
Okay, that was very sweet, very
tasty, howard.
Thank you.
Tasty, howard.
Thank you.
Appreciate it, appreciate it.
Thank you.
Appreciate it, appreciate it.
What do we got here?
Appreciate it, appreciate it.
What do we got here?
A perfect match.
What do we got here?
A perfect match.
Oh, must be from the same
A perfect match.
Oh, must be from the same
litter.
Oh, must be from the same
litter.
Yeah, this is tippy.
Litter.
Yeah, this is tippy.
Hey, tippy, mr. Tough guy,
Yeah, this is tippy.
Hey, tippy, mr. Tough guy,
huh?
Hey, tippy, mr. Tough guy,
huh?
How are you?
Huh?
How are you?
Okay, tipster, brian here is
How are you?
Okay, tipster, brian here is
gonna throw you around a little
Okay, tipster, brian here is
gonna throw you around a little
bit, and when he does, I want
Gonna throw you around a little
bit, and when he does, I want
you to squeal.
Bit, and when he does, I want
you to squeal.
Can we hear a squeal?
You to squeal.
Can we hear a squeal?
Oh, sure.
Can we hear a squeal?
Oh, sure.
[Dog squeals]
Oh, sure.
[Dog squeals]
beautiful.
[Dog squeals]
beautiful.
Tippy, how are your ears?
Beautiful.
Tippy, how are your ears?
Are they strong?
Tippy, how are your ears?
Are they strong?
Oh, sure, he's got strong ears,
Are they strong?
Oh, sure, he's got strong ears,
strong tail.
Oh, sure, he's got strong ears,
strong tail.
You can do anything to him.
Strong tail.
You can do anything to him.
Great, terrific.
You can do anything to him.
Great, terrific.
Okay, places, everybody.
Great, terrific.
Okay, places, everybody.
Tommy, I'm gonna fine you $100
Okay, places, everybody.
Tommy, I'm gonna fine you $100
and everybody on my set for not
Tommy, I'm gonna fine you $100
and everybody on my set for not
noticing my new haircut.
And everybody on my set for not
noticing my new haircut.
Now get out of here, all of you.
Noticing my new haircut.
Now get out of here, all of you.
Okay, would you please do me my
Now get out of here, all of you.
Okay, would you please do me my
favor and slate it for me,
Okay, would you please do me my
favor and slate it for me,
tommy?
Favor and slate it for me,
tommy?
"Animal abuse," scene 4, take
Tommy?
"Animal abuse," scene 4, take
1.
"Animal abuse," scene 4, take
1.
Okay, start whimpering,
1.
Okay, start whimpering,
tippy.
Okay, start whimpering,
tippy.
And action.
Tippy.
And action.
Cut it out.
And action.
Cut it out.
Cut it out.
Cut it out.
Cut it out.
Cut it out!
Cut it out.
Cut it out!
I said stop it!
Cut it out!
I said stop it!
Stop it, stop it, stop it!
I said stop it!
Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Stop it, stop it!
Cut, cut.
Beautiful, howard, beautiful.
Perfect, beautiful.
Beautiful, howard, beautiful.
Perfect, beautiful.
Hey, how is tippy back there?
Perfect, beautiful.
Hey, how is tippy back there?
Can we get somebody to go check
Hey, how is tippy back there?
Can we get somebody to go check
on tippy?
Can we get somebody to go check
on tippy?
Yeah, tippy's all right.
On tippy?
Yeah, tippy's all right.
Ah, that's a pup.
Yeah, tippy's all right.
Ah, that's a pup.
Come here, big guy.
Ah, that's a pup.
Come here, big guy.
Oh, that was terrific, fella.
Come here, big guy.
Oh, that was terrific, fella.
Hey, I want to work with you
Oh, that was terrific, fella.
Hey, I want to work with you
again, and that is a promise,
Hey, I want to work with you
again, and that is a promise,
huh?
Again, and that is a promise,
huh?
Definitely.
Huh?
Definitely.
That is a wrap, everybody.
Definitely.
That is a wrap, everybody.
Let's get some sleep.
That is a wrap, everybody.
Let's get some sleep.
8:00 Call tomorrow for the
Let's get some sleep.
8:00 Call tomorrow for the
cockfight.
8:00 Call tomorrow for the
cockfight.
Brian, terrific.
Cockfight.
Brian, terrific.
It's a pleasure.
Brian, terrific.
It's a pleasure.
Seriously, come here.
It's a pleasure.
Seriously, come here.
[Cheers and applause]
Announcer: and now it's time
Once again for
"Bad conceptual art," with your
Host, leonard pinth-garnell.
Good evening.
I'm leonard pinth-garnell, and
Welcome once again to
"Bad conceptual art."
No one can really define what
conceptual art means, because in
many cases, the artists who
Conceptual art means, because in
many cases, the artists who
produce it themselves don't
Many cases, the artists who
produce it themselves don't
exactly know what it is in the
Produce it themselves don't
exactly know what it is in the
first place they're trying to
Exactly know what it is in the
first place they're trying to
express.
First place they're trying to
express.
In any event, the bulk of modern
Express.
In any event, the bulk of modern
conceptual art is really vacuous
In any event, the bulk of modern
conceptual art is really vacuous
and hence intriguing to us here
Conceptual art is really vacuous
and hence intriguing to us here
at "bad."
And hence intriguing to us here
at "bad."
Tonight's bad conceptual art is
At "bad."
Tonight's bad conceptual art is
in the form of a performance
Tonight's bad conceptual art is
in the form of a performance
piece first presented in 1965
In the form of a performance
piece first presented in 1965
at the lifespace galleries in
Piece first presented in 1965
at the lifespace galleries in
los angeles.
At the lifespace galleries in
los angeles.
Written by helen trouva, it is
Los angeles.
Written by helen trouva, it is
entitled simply "pavlov video
Written by helen trouva, it is
entitled simply "pavlov video
chicken i."
Entitled simply "pavlov video
chicken i."
It forces one to consider the
Chicken i."
It forces one to consider the
juxtaposition of zen poetry on
It forces one to consider the
juxtaposition of zen poetry on
video against a women dancing
Juxtaposition of zen poetry on
video against a women dancing
like a chicken for 378
Video against a women dancing
like a chicken for 378
consecutive hours.
Like a chicken for 378
consecutive hours.
We now present an excerpt from
Consecutive hours.
We now present an excerpt from
helen trouva's "pavlov video
We now present an excerpt from
helen trouva's "pavlov video
chicken i."
Hush.
Chicken dance.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Chicken dance.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Simhah.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Simhah.
Frozen tundra.
Simhah.
Frozen tundra.
Neon bamboo sh**t.
Frozen tundra.
Neon bamboo sh**t.
Moot.
Neon bamboo sh**t.
Moot.
Kisses of a blind child.
Moot.
Kisses of a blind child.
Shh.
Kisses of a blind child.
Shh.
Mayor baba, mayor baba.
Shh.
Mayor baba, mayor baba.
Tip, tip, tip, tip, tip.
Mayor baba, mayor baba.
Tip, tip, tip, tip, tip.
And, and, and, and, and.
Tip, tip, tip, tip, tip.
And, and, and, and, and.
Listen.
And, and, and, and, and.
Listen.
Maybe you will hear.
Listen.
Maybe you will hear.
Beep.
Maybe you will hear.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Om.
Beep.
Om.
[Applause]
Om.
[Applause]
stunningly pointless,
[Applause]
stunningly pointless,
absolutely no meaning
Stunningly pointless,
absolutely no meaning
whatsoever, really sucks.
Absolutely no meaning
whatsoever, really sucks.
"Pavlov video chicken i" was
Whatsoever, really sucks.
"Pavlov video chicken i" was
performed by the lips of
"Pavlov video chicken i" was
performed by the lips of
elian blazel, the eye of
Performed by the lips of
elian blazel, the eye of
amos hayley, and was conceived
Elian blazel, the eye of
amos hayley, and was conceived
and danced tonight for us by
Amos hayley, and was conceived
and danced tonight for us by
helen trouva herself.
And danced tonight for us by
helen trouva herself.
Join me next week on
Helen trouva herself.
Join me next week on
"bad conceptual art," when a
Join me next week on
"bad conceptual art," when a
new york conceptual artist has
"Bad conceptual art," when a
new york conceptual artist has
100 cadillacs run over him in a
New york conceptual artist has
100 cadillacs run over him in a
performance called "skid mark."
100 Cadillacs run over him in a
performance called "skid mark."
Until then, this is
Performance called "skid mark."
Until then, this is
leonard pinth-garnell bidding
Until then, this is
leonard pinth-garnell bidding
you good evening.
Leonard pinth-garnell bidding
you good evening.
[Cheers and applause]
Announcer: it's time for
"the franken and davis show,"
starring al franken and
"The franken and davis show,"
starring al franken and
tom davis.
Starring al franken and
tom davis.
And now here's al and tom.
Tom davis.
And now here's al and tom.
[Cheers and applause]
And now here's al and tom.
[Cheers and applause]
good... Good evening, ladies
[Cheers and applause]
good... Good evening, ladies
and gentlemen.
Good... Good evening, ladies
and gentlemen.
You know, we've had so many
And gentlemen.
You know, we've had so many
requests for our sumo-wrestler
You know, we've had so many
requests for our sumo-wrestler
piece that tonight we just had
Requests for our sumo-wrestler
piece that tonight we just had
to do it again.
Piece that tonight we just had
to do it again.
Uh, but first, we'd like to
To do it again.
Uh, but first, we'd like to
introduce some very important
Uh, but first, we'd like to
introduce some very important
people in the audience.
Introduce some very important
people in the audience.
What?
People in the audience.
What?
You know, there's an old
What?
You know, there's an old
saying that behind every
You know, there's an old
saying that behind every
successful man, you'll find a
Saying that behind every
successful man, you'll find a
woman.
Successful man, you'll find a
woman.
And tom and I are certainly no
Woman.
And tom and I are certainly no
exception, so, tonight, ladies
And tom and I are certainly no
exception, so, tonight, ladies
and gentlemen, I'd like you all
Exception, so, tonight, ladies
and gentlemen, I'd like you all
to meet my lovely wife, darlene.
And gentlemen, I'd like you all
to meet my lovely wife, darlene.
She's sitting up there.
To meet my lovely wife, darlene.
She's sitting up there.
Davy... Davy, can we get a shot
She's sitting up there.
Davy... Davy, can we get a shot
of her?
Davy... Davy, can we get a shot
of her?
There she is.
Of her?
There she is.
She's over there.
There she is.
She's over there.
Ladies and gentlemen, my lovely
She's over there.
Ladies and gentlemen, my lovely
wife, darlene.
Ladies and gentlemen, my lovely
wife, darlene.
[Applause]
Wife, darlene.
[Applause]
and sitting next to her...
[Applause]
and sitting next to her...
Sitting next to her is our son,
And sitting next to her...
Sitting next to her is our son,
al jr.
Sitting next to her is our son,
al jr.
[Applause]
Al jr.
[Applause]
al jr. Is 9 years old, and he's
[Applause]
al jr. Is 9 years old, and he's
already in the 2nd grade.
Al jr. Is 9 years old, and he's
already in the 2nd grade.
And sitting next to al jr.,
Already in the 2nd grade.
And sitting next to al jr.,
Ladies and gentlemen, suzanne,
And sitting next to al jr.,
Ladies and gentlemen, suzanne,
the girl tom lives with.
Ladies and gentlemen, suzanne,
the girl tom lives with.
[Applause]
The girl tom lives with.
[Applause]
al, I can't... I can't live
[Applause]
al, I can't... I can't live
this lie any longer.
Al, I can't... I can't live
this lie any longer.
Ladies and gentlemen, al just
This lie any longer.
Ladies and gentlemen, al just
introduced his family and the
Ladies and gentlemen, al just
introduced his family and the
girl I supposedly live with to
Introduced his family and the
girl I supposedly live with to
present a facade.
Girl I supposedly live with to
present a facade.
No, al, with the anita bryant
Present a facade.
No, al, with the anita bryant
stuff going on, with all the
No, al, with the anita bryant
stuff going on, with all the
defeat of gay rights all across
Stuff going on, with all the
defeat of gay rights all across
the united states, some people
Defeat of gay rights all across
the united states, some people
have to stand up and be counted.
The united states, some people
have to stand up and be counted.
It's not us.
Have to stand up and be counted.
It's not us.
No, the truth of the... No, I
It's not us.
No, the truth of the... No, I
mean it.
No, the truth of the... No, I
mean it.
The truth of the matter is al
Mean it.
The truth of the matter is al
and I are h*m* lovers, and
The truth of the matter is al
and I are h*m* lovers, and
I'd just like to get that out.
And I are h*m* lovers, and
I'd just like to get that out.
Damn it, tom.
I'd just like to get that out.
Damn it, tom.
Damn it.
Damn it, tom.
Damn it.
Al, listen, it was gonna come
Damn it.
Al, listen, it was gonna come
out sooner or later.
Al, listen, it was gonna come
out sooner or later.
I just thought it would be the
Out sooner or later.
I just thought it would be the
best thing right now.
I just thought it would be the
best thing right now.
Ladies and gentlemen, tom is
Best thing right now.
Ladies and gentlemen, tom is
just joking.
Ladies and gentlemen, tom is
just joking.
This is part of the routine.
Just joking.
This is part of the routine.
This is not a part...
This is part of the routine.
This is not a part...
This is not a part of our
This is not a part...
This is not a part of our
routine, ladies and gentlemen.
This is not a part of our
routine, ladies and gentlemen.
This is not a joke.
Routine, ladies and gentlemen.
This is not a joke.
Al and I are h*m* lovers,
This is not a joke.
Al and I are h*m* lovers,
and we are proud of it, both of
Al and I are h*m* lovers,
and we are proud of it, both of
us.
And we are proud of it, both of
us.
I'd just like to say that.
Us.
I'd just like to say that.
And...
I'd just like to say that.
And...
Tom.
And...
Tom.
Tom, how can you do this to me,
Tom.
Tom, how can you do this to me,
in front of everybody,
Tom, how can you do this to me,
in front of everybody,
especially in front of my wife
In front of everybody,
especially in front of my wife
and kid?
Especially in front of my wife
and kid?
How can you do that?
And kid?
How can you do that?
Well, don't they know?
How can you do that?
Well, don't they know?
No, they don't know.
Well, don't they know?
No, they don't know.
No.
No, they don't know.
No.
I mean, and in front of all
No.
I mean, and in front of all
these people and all the
I mean, and in front of all
these people and all the
millions of people at home.
These people and all the
millions of people at home.
That's exactly my point, al.
Millions of people at home.
That's exactly my point, al.
I-i wanted to make this
That's exactly my point, al.
I-i wanted to make this
announcement tonight, and these
I-i wanted to make this
announcement tonight, and these
people here are with you.
Announcement tonight, and these
people here are with you.
They like you.
People here are with you.
They like you.
They respect you.
They like you.
They respect you.
I think, in fact, they probably
They respect you.
I think, in fact, they probably
respect you more.
I think, in fact, they probably
respect you more.
Ladies and gentlemen, don't you
Respect you more.
Ladies and gentlemen, don't you
respect al more now that you
Ladies and gentlemen, don't you
respect al more now that you
know, now that you know he's...
Respect al more now that you
know, now that you know he's...
[Booing]
Know, now that you know he's...
[Booing]
now that...
[Booing]
now that...
Y-you see?
Now that...
Y-you see?
You see?
Y-you see?
You see?
I hate you, daddy!
You see?
I hate you, daddy!
I hate you!
I hate you, daddy!
I hate you!
I hate you!
I hate you!
I hate you!
I hate you, daddy!
I hate you!
I hate you, daddy!
I hate you!
I hate you, daddy!
I hate you!
I hate you!
I hate you!
I hate you!
I hate you!
I hate you!
I hate you!
I hate you, daddy!
I hate you!
I hate you, daddy!
I hate you!
I hate you, daddy!
I hate you!
You see?
I hate you!
You see?
Not only you ruined my life, but
You see?
Not only you ruined my life, but
you ruined little al jr.'S, too.
Not only you ruined my life, but
you ruined little al jr.'S, too.
Al, you're taking this...
You ruined little al jr.'S, too.
Al, you're taking this...
You're gonna be sorry you did
Al, you're taking this...
You're gonna be sorry you did
this, tom.
You're gonna be sorry you did
this, tom.
You're gonna be sorry you did
This, tom.
You're gonna be sorry you did
this.
You're gonna be sorry you did
this.
I'm gonna make you feel sorry
This.
I'm gonna make you feel sorry
you did this.
I'm gonna make you feel sorry
you did this.
You're gonna be sorry, tom.
You did this.
You're gonna be sorry, tom.
I'm gonna make you feel sorry.
You're gonna be sorry, tom.
I'm gonna make you feel sorry.
Stop the theatrics.
I'm gonna make you feel sorry.
Stop the theatrics.
Come back here.
Stop the theatrics.
Come back here.
I'm... Just a moment.
Come back here.
I'm... Just a moment.
Al.
I'm... Just a moment.
Al.
Put that g*n down.
Al.
Put that g*n down.
Don't put that g*n to your head.
Put that g*n down.
Don't put that g*n to your head.
[g*nsh*t]
Don't put that g*n to your head.
[g*nsh*t]
uh...
[g*nsh*t]
uh...
Well, that's the end of the
Uh...
Well, that's the end of the
show.
Well, that's the end of the
show.
Good night, everybody.
Show.
Good night, everybody.
Announcer: "the franken and
Good night, everybody.
Announcer: "the franken and
davis show" is brought to you by
Announcer: "the franken and
davis show" is brought to you by
the communist party of america,
Davis show" is brought to you by
the communist party of america,
working for a better tomorrow.
The communist party of america,
working for a better tomorrow.
And now here's al and tom.
Working for a better tomorrow.
And now here's al and tom.
Just kidding, everybody.
And now here's al and tom.
Just kidding, everybody.
He didn't really sh**t
Just kidding, everybody.
He didn't really sh**t
himself.
He didn't really sh**t
himself.
Good night, everybody.
Himself.
Good night, everybody.
Good night.
Good night, everybody.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night.
[Cheers and applause]
Traveling the space way for
over 20 years, here is sun ra
and his jazz from another
Over 20 years, here is sun ra
and his jazz from another
planet, arkestra.
And his jazz from another
planet, arkestra.
[Electronic jazz playing]
Calling planet earth.
Calling planet earth.
Planet earth.
Calling planet earth.
Planet earth.
Calling planet earth.
Planet earth.
Calling planet earth.
Calling planet earth.
Calling planet earth.
Calling planet earth.
Calling planet earth.
Calling planet earth.
Calling planet earth.
Planet earth.
Calling planet earth.
Planet earth.
Planet earth, planet earth.
Planet earth.
Planet earth, planet earth.
Planet earth.
Planet earth, planet earth.
Planet earth.
Calling planet earth.
Planet earth.
Calling planet earth.
Calling planet earth.
Calling planet earth.
Calling planet earth.
Hey.
Calling planet earth.
Hey.
Hey.
♪ Space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ Space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ Space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ Space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ Space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ the place is space ♪
♪ Space is the place ♪
♪ the place is space ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ The place is space ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ the place is space ♪
♪ Space is the place ♪
♪ the place is space ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ The place is space ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ Space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ Space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
[singing indistinctly]
♪ Space is the place ♪
[singing indistinctly]
♪ space is the place ♪
[Singing indistinctly]
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ Space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ Space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ Space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ Space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ Space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ Space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ high in space ♪
♪ Space is the place ♪
♪ high in space ♪
♪ outer space ♪
♪ High in space ♪
♪ outer space ♪
♪ out in space ♪
♪ Outer space ♪
♪ out in space ♪
♪ the place is space ♪
♪ Out in space ♪
♪ the place is space ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ The place is space ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ space is the place ♪
♪ Behold the sound mirror ♪
♪ the mirror of the sound
of you ♪
♪ The mirror of the sound
of you ♪
♪ the you you never allowed to
Of you ♪
♪ the you you never allowed to
become a living reality ♪
♪ The you you never allowed to
become a living reality ♪
♪ behold the sound mirror ♪
Become a living reality ♪
♪ behold the sound mirror ♪
♪ and see the you you never
♪ Behold the sound mirror ♪
♪ and see the you you never
allowed to become a living
♪ And see the you you never
allowed to become a living
reality ♪
Allowed to become a living
reality ♪
♪ sound mirror ♪
Reality ♪
♪ sound mirror ♪
♪ reach into your air for
♪ Sound mirror ♪
♪ reach into your air for
love ♪
♪ Reach into your air for
love ♪
♪ reach into your air for love ♪
Love ♪
♪ reach into your air for love ♪
♪ love dwells somewhere there ♪
♪ Reach into your air for love ♪
♪ love dwells somewhere there ♪
♪ somewhere there ♪
♪ Love dwells somewhere there ♪
♪ somewhere there ♪
♪ love dwells on the other side
♪ Somewhere there ♪
♪ love dwells on the other side
of a boundary of the mass
♪ Love dwells on the other side
of a boundary of the mass
possibility ♪
Of a boundary of the mass
possibility ♪
♪ that's where love dwells ♪
Possibility ♪
♪ that's where love dwells ♪
♪ on the other side of a
♪ That's where love dwells ♪
♪ on the other side of a
boundary of the mass
♪ On the other side of a
boundary of the mass
possibility ♪
Boundary of the mass
possibility ♪
♪ mirror ♪
Possibility ♪
♪ mirror ♪
♪ sound mirror ♪
♪ Mirror ♪
♪ sound mirror ♪
♪ sound mirror ♪
♪ Sound mirror ♪
♪ sound mirror ♪
come on, pull it hard.
[Cheering]
[Cheers and applause]
baby!
[Cheers and applause]
Good night, folks.
They'll all be back in the fall,
Or not.
See you then.
Thanks for coming.
[Cheers and applause]
Announcer: be sure to watch
Encore performances of
"Saturday night live" right
Through the summer, beginning
Next saturday with host
O.j. Simpson.
And now this is don pardo,
Sinking into the summer of '78,
For now.
03x20 - Buck Henry/Sun Ra
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
The show's comedy sketches, which often parody contemporary American culture and politics, are performed by a large and varying cast of repertory and newer cast members.
The show's comedy sketches, which often parody contemporary American culture and politics, are performed by a large and varying cast of repertory and newer cast members.