(INDISTINCT CHATTER AND FOOTSTEPS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC AS THUNDER CRACKLES)
(THUNDERCLAP)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(PHONE RINGS)
(MUSIC AND RINGING CONTINUES)
(RINGING)
(LINE RINGING)
(CONTINUES)
No, I don't want a cup of tea!
STOP PESTERING ME!
(GASPS)
Gee whiz!
Oh...
Oh!
Yes! (SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING)
(MIAOWS)
(GASPING) I can't believe it...
I'VE DONE IT!
(STORM CONTINUES)
(THREATENING MUSIC AND MIAOWING)
(SCREAMING)
(CRACKLING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(GASPS)
(THUNDERCLAPS)
(FRANTIC MUSIC)
"Loyal, obsessive, inventive
and an enthusiastic tea drinker."
These were some of the words
I have heard describe him.
It was, uh, Arthur's time.
There couldn't be a clearer message
from the creator
than a lightning bolt from heaven!
And the divine light
may have gone out for Arthur,
but not on the good work
he did on this earth.
He leaves behind loyal wife Jill...
(STAMMERING)
Jo... Ju... Jo... Joan...
(AWKWARD LAUGH)
devoted son...
and, uh, numerous...
(HARSH FEEDBACK)
patents still pending!
Arthur was treasurer
of the Amateur Inventors' Society,
a task he performed...
adequately.
(LAUGHING) I can't stand it!
(GENTLE PIANO PLAYING)
Lovely service!
Try and keep busy.
Volunteer!
Have you tried speed Sudoku?
It's very good
for the cognitive functions!
Cognitive!
Um, the vol-au-vents
are in the hall.
What?
Oh, come on!
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
I've just seen ANOTHER wrinkle!
After the amount of calories
I've just burned,
they should have melted by now!
I'm sure they weren't there yesterday
and I'm being smothered by spandex!
You should see it!
I mean, I love spinning class
but I'd like to get some results!
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
Joanie... Joanie, are you there?
Well, how are you holding up?
Yes, I'm all right...
I was gazing at Arthur's coffin
and for a small moment I thought,
"This is going to be
unbearably moving."
And then the vicar opened his mouth and
all emotion went out the window! (LAUGHS)
"A task that he performed...
adequately!"
I agree, yeah!
Talk about unprepared!
(SIGHS) I don't think
he even knew who Arthur was!
No, he didn't,
but aren't they supposed to do some
research and at least SOUND sincere?
(MOANING) Mmm! Mmm! Mm-hm!
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm paying homage to Arthur
with a bit of white chocolate!
(CHUCKLES)
How we all feeling? You all good?
Yeah?
Right, everyone's warm,
I want you to climb that hill,
everyone up!
Let's work!
Good, let's feel that burn!
Let's tone those butts!
Nobody likes a saggy bottom,
do they?
Well, why don't you
come and take a bite and find out?
(LAUGHTER)
All right, ladies, keep going!
Oh, God... Oh, God!
(CLICKS)
LIZ CHRISTIAN: Call My Name
Take my hand
I promise I won't hide
If you need somebody
When you're all alone
There's no need to worry
And just think about...
(FLOWING)
(INTENSIFIES)
Say hello
(CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)
Yeah, I'll be by your side
Oh!
Careful! I've got you!
I promise I won't hide
Come with me...
If you're feelin' lonely
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, remember why I'm here
Woo! Woo!
(LAUGHTER)
I'll be so near!
(SONG FADES)
Hello!
I've, uh,
brought you some donations.
Let's see!
That's a GOOD trench coat!
It's only been worn once!
That's a LOVELY shirt!
It's, um... It's from Savile Row.
You know, in Mayfair!
Has it been cleaned?
Oh, don't be ridiculous,
do I look like an old bag lady?
Everything's been washed!
Recently?
Within the last three years!
It's just been stuck in
the back of a wardrobe, that's all!
I suppose we could recycle
some of the materials!
Uh, don't you want your suitcase?
Oh, no, keep it!
Mmm, we can't do anything with it!
Somebody might buy it!
It's got no wheels...
Nobody's going to buy it,
people want wheels nowadays!
Somebody might want it
as a prop for theatre or radio!
There was a time when suitcases
didn't have wheels,
when we couldn't just wheel
things around with gay abandon,
you can't just write things off
like that!
You'll be old one day
and then you'll think...
"I'm an old bag
but I don't need any wheels!"
(UPBEAT TUNE)
Would you like to sit down?
No, I'm fine.
Oh, please, it's no bother!
No, I'm perfectly capable
of standing!
Thank you!
I'd feel happier if you sat down!
No, no, no, no, no!
Oh!
I have queued for nine hours
at Wimbledon
to get standing tickets
on court number one
only to wait another five hours for
Andy and Jamie Murray to play doubles
and then for it to be rained off
so I'm not afraid of
a bit of standing!
I've spent my life sitting down!
(SCREECHING)
(SCREAMING AND THUD)
(BARKING)
Whoops! Oh!
Deary, deary me!
Oh, dear...
I warned ya!
I'm gettin' off at the next stop!
Oh... Oh, no!
I thought you had a fall,
not brain surgery!
(MUMBLING AND BEEPING)
Can you suck strawberries
through a straw?
Do you know who we are?
(MUMBLING)
Do you recognise my voice?
(MUFFLED)
No...
Oh, I think we might have lost her!
(BEEPING)
Oh!
I'm in the NEXT bed!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Excuse us and thank you so much!
(SNIFFS)
Oh, here you are!
Oh!
I made you a strawberry trifle!
Oh!
Wae a wee twist!
Let's just get out of here,
Nurse Ratched said you could go!
Oh...
I mean, hospitals,
they just gimme the creeps!
It's official, I've turned into a mad
person who rants at strangers on the bus
who are only trying to help
AND I suffer from falls!
Look at my medical notes!
"Lost footing, had a fall."
You need to be careful!
I mean, when you're young, you know,
you just balance
but now we just kinda splat...
Thank you!
(BIRDSONG)
Mmm!
Considering almost NONE of his
inventions actually worked,
I came to the conclusion
it was his curiosity that drove him.
Oh, you know what you could do,
you could turn the shed
into a yoga studio!
Ah!
No?
Or I would use it
for storing my supersize freezer!
Mmm.
Yeah, Arthur worked in it
day and night.
It probably needs
INDUSTRIAL sanitisation!
Eww!
Right!
Right, there's no time
like the present...
Rubber gloves, girls!
Rubber gloves!
(CREAKING)
(ATMOSPHERIC BEAT)
(CONTINUES)
(FADES)
Oh, my God, what a horrible smell!
Oh, my God...
He wasn't making crystal meth,
was he?!
Eww!
Oh, I could use this!
For my creme brulee!
Oh!
This was just like Karl, right?
Oh, typical man!
This is disgusting!
Nothing clearly could stop him
from his life's work.
(CLATTERING)
When Karl left, I remember I needed
more than a truckload of incense
to get rid of his man smell!
Eww!
Urgh!
Urgh, what is that?
I have got a good,
sensitive sense of smell!
Oh, no, no... Just give me a second!
Give me a second!
Peaty... Woody.
Oh... A wee hint of coconut!
It sounds like
a Caribbean cocktail!
Whisky!
No, whisky?
Whisky!
He hated whisky!
Oh, no, no, I'm takin' a drink,
babe!
I want it! Mmm!
Urgh!
(RETCHES)
You know, it tastes like
vintage Johnnie Walker. Go ahead.
I had no idea
he was a closet drinker!
Drunk!
Drunk?
Drunk!
(DRAWER SMASHES)
OK, listen...
I hereby convene the AGM
for the Moonshine Society.
Firstly, apologies...
Arthur... Alas, huh?
Otherwise engaged.
Aww...
He ran a tiny
yet well-formed moonshine operation,
a task which he performed...
ALL: Adequately!
(LAUGHTER)
To Arthur!
Oh, to Arthur!
Arthur!
Oh, my God...
Mmm...
It's as if he's going to walk
through that door at any moment
and I'm gonna tell him
for the THOUSANDTH time
to wipe his muddy boots!
(CHUCKLES) And he tells us off
for drinking his firewater!
He'd probably want to join in!
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, I got an idea!
Watch... Watch this!
How about a little, like...
How about a little dance?
Hmm? Woo!
No, no, stop it,
I don't want to embarrass myself!
(SCOFFS) OK!
Uh-oh...
Oh, God, look at this...
I used to have pneumatic tits!
Yeah, and they were
really perfectly shaped
and just, like, spear-like!
(LAUGHS)
And I remember when me
not wearing a bra would turn heads!
And now I don't think
anyone would even look up!
Oh, for what it's worth,
you'd turn my head any day!
Aww!
I love you!
I second that!
Aww...
Look, I know, I know...
We're supposed to embrace getting
older gracefully but it's such a drag,
isn't it?
Yeah, remember when
you'd wake up in the morning,
your body didn't ache
and lines on your face from the
pillow would vanish in two seconds!
Oh!
(LAUGHS)
I don't remember exactly when
my body gave up
but it was like a...
A gradual creep,
like Japanese knotweed, you know?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Remember...
Remember when we first met?
We could dance all night!
I know!
Oh, it was so much fun!
Youth is wasted on the young.
Oh...
At least you two
have been married!
You didn't miss much!
No...
All men are ACTUALLY assholes!
It's all I ever wanted.
No...
(SIGHING AS THUNDER RUMBLES)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(THUNDERCLAP)
(GENTLE SNORING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MIAOWS)
(CLIMAXES)
(COCK CROWS)
(PURRING)
Gladys...
(MIAOWS)
Do I REALLY look that bad?
(GRUNTS AND YELLS)
Oh...
(CROWING)
(SIGHS) Put the kettle on,
tell the sun to GO AWAY!
(SNORTS)
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(GASPING)
(PANTING)
Joan! Joan!
Where are they...?!
For God's... I'm right here!
I'm armed!
Joan!
What have you done with them?!
Oh, my God...
Oh...
Oh, my God! Uh...
Where did I go?
(HYPERVENTILATING)
My... My face!
(GASPS)
(GENTLE PIANO PLAYING)
Oh, my God, Joanie,
you look terrific!
Oh, my God!
I don't normally scare easily but...
You said the trifle
had a 'wee' twist!
Aye, Chantilly cream,
not this sort of twist!
Most of it's in shorthand
and I could never read his writing!
I used to have a three-year plan
but now, I mean...
Well, how long do you think
this thing is going to last?!
I may need to rethink everything!
Did Arthur not mention
anything to you about this?
(GASPS)
Look at these puppies!
Can you stop doing that, please?!
I'm trying to think!
I can't!
No pains, no aches,
no psyching myself up to stand!
I have a regular heartbeat!
Oh, for goodness' sake,
you're gonna ruin the springs
in my settee!
(SIGHS)
(SOFT MUSIC)
Ah!
This...
Oh, biblical!
It's bigger than Sodom and Gomorrah!
What are we gonna do?
Find some more!
Go, go, go!
(CREAKING)
There's another three bottles
he hid from you!
Where's the rest?!
God, Joanie,
you should have paid more attention!
Maybe, but I found
the details so BORING!
What he found fascinating
would simply send me to sleep!
So, you never heard him say that
he'd discovered the elixir of youth?!
In a bottle of Scotch?
No!
Oh...
(GASPS)
That makes four!
I think that's it!
Oh, God...
You can't give a puppy a bone
then take it away!
No! No!
It might last forever!
I wonder if
it makes you forget your memories?
Or it might help you
remember them better!
Oh, can't get rid of Karl!
(GROANS)
Right, girls...
Let's go out for the day!
When?
What?
Right now!
Yeah, she's right!
You're never too old
to become young!
(GASPS) Exactly!
(BEAT PLAYING) Come on!
Yeah!
(HORN TOOTING)
All right, sexy!
(WOLF-WHISTLE)
Oh, come back, come back!
I'll find another one!
(CHATTER FLOWING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Granny chic, I like it!
Excuse me?!
Uh, the polyester threads, on trend!
Oh... Thanks!
So, what's your poison?
Uh, three cups of tea, please.
That's it? Tea?
How about Awabancha, bubble,
tomato and mint
Wrestling Dragon?
Uh, Earl Grey, please.
Non-dairy milk?
(SCOFFS)
You don't put milk in Earl Grey!
Don't forget to follow us on Insta
for exclusive deals and discounts!
What?
Sorry?
(LAUGHS) Take a seat,
I'll bring them to you.
Huh...
(HUSHED) So, what do we do?
(CLEARS THROAT)
We soak up the youthful atmosphere!
I think we need to get new clothes!
Nobody wears this type of floral
anymore!
OK...
Oh, hello!
What's this?
So, three Earl Greys, no milk
plus kombucha latte on the house!
I'll be over there if you need me,
OK?
(SNIFFING)
Fermented tea!
What is it with you
and fermented stuff?
Mmm... That's quite nice!
Oh, that's undrinkable!
Urgh...
Think... Think of all the things
that we can do!
Well, we could...
We could swim the Channel
in THESE bodies!
Or sunbathe on the beach
in our bikinis!
Jump out of planes!
You can do that at any age!
Well, let's make a list!
Oh!
Didn't you say you always wanted
to see if gentlemen prefer blondes?
Experience tells me they date
anything under 30, urgh!
What if it runs out?
Oh, don't overthink it!
Shall we just TELL people
what's going on?
BOTH: No!
Right...
God, there's SO many things
I want to do!
What have you got?
Start cooking for other people,
get a wee conservatory
put on the back of the house,
get a wee dog and call it Patch!
Aww!
And then maybe find a husband
and have some kids...
At your age?!
Eh, you said
anything was possible now!
What have you got?
(CLEARS THROAT)
Visit Vegas,
go swimming with dolphins,
do nude pottery, find my chakras,
go skinny-dipping, try ayahuasca,
learn Inuit
and make my ex-husband Karl's life
a living hell!
Mmm.
I'd...
I'd quite like to go back
to a few of my old haunts.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news
but, hmm, yeah...
Ah!
Yeah, yeah!
What? What?
(SCREAMS)
Argh!
Moving out!
(ALL WHIMPERING)
Go, go, go!
Sorry, sorry!
Bye!
We changed back really quickly!
Everything is different,
I think we're gonna need
a whole new wardrobe!
It's not just the clothes...
It's the make-up, it's the hair,
the walk!
What about the catch...
The catchphrases the kids use!
Oh, yes, that's right, the lingo!
We're going to have to learn
a whole new language,
otherwise we'll end up looking a
bunch of losers in cashmere sweaters!
(LAUGHING)
Well, actually, I'm kind of partial
to a cashmere sweater! You would be!
No, all we need to do is just
blend in and change our mindset
and just be a little more
down with the kids!
Why don't you try Facebook
or something like that?
Oh, trust me, I've got plenty
of books I can bury my face in!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
'This my hack
for a perfect contoured look
that will give you cheekbones
you never knew you had!
Now, swipe along the forehead,
bridge of the nose and cheekbones
and blend, rubbing it into the skin
until it looks completely natural,
giving you that amazing
sculpted look you've ALWAYS wanted!
It's that simple, anyone can do it!
I love you guys!'
Oh, no...
Hmm, no, no...
Oh, he's nice!
Oh, no, he lives in Alaska!
(WHIRRING)
(OFF)
(BEAT BUILDING)
(THUDDING)
(CONTINUES)
(CAMERAS SNAPPING)
Pose!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(CAMERAS SNAP)
(FADES)
You know, I went on, like,
A MILLION diets
trying to look skinny
but now when I look at my legs I
realise they were actually quite sexy!
Mmm!
They used to weigh us EVERY week
at secretarial college!
(SIGHS)
No wonder we're so self-loathing!
Speak for yourself,
I always thought I was quite bonnie!
(BOTH LAUGH)
You are quite bonnie, yeah!
What now?
Let's go, girls!
(UPBEAT TUNE)
(SIGHS) OK!
I'll just have whatever
the young people are havin'.
Oh, OK, so we have landing strip,
Hollywood, half-strip, full strip,
Brazilian, Chilean,
you can also go au naturel...
No, really, I even spoke
to a plastic surgeon for advice!
Yeah? And what did they say?
Get everything lifted
with full-size implants,
facial fillers,
fat injections and Botox!
Oh, my God, what kind of look
were you going for?
Frozen grin! (LAUGHS)
Do you want eyebrow reshaping,
upper lip or sideburns?
Oh, keep going,
I have hairs sprouting EVERYWHERE!
Ever since the menopause,
I've become part werewolf!
Oh, we better get going, then!
Argh!
Well, what do you have?
Oh, yeah, I went hardwood floors,
I lasered it off years ago!
Very painful and I don't recommend!
However, what is trending right now
is a full-on '70s shagpile!
Um, where'd you go out
to have a good time?
Places that my friends
don't get hit on by sleazebags!
Huh, and where would I go, say, if I
WANTED to be hit on by a sleazebag?
Oh, honey, you come right here
because you need some lessons
in self-respect!
What do you identify as?
A woman on the edge!
(BEAT THUDDING AND CHATTER FLOWING)
We're old enough!
We've been here before!
Come back in two years!
Can someone come and cover me, please?
I'm gonna need to see some ID!
Oh!
Uh, oh, I... I'm sorry!
I don't have any!
How old are you?
Have a guess!
Nineteen!
(LAUGHS)
I'm 72!
Aye, and I'm pushin' 70!
Sir? There you go, honey!
I'd love to know her secret!
I'm 68!
Go!
Did it hurt
when you fell from heaven?
I lost my phone number,
can I have yours?
Do you believe in love at first
sight or should I walk in again?
(EXCLAIMING)
I'm not a photographer,
but I can picture us together!
Well, here I am,
what were your other two wishes?
Oh, my God!
(EXCLAIMING)
Do you have a name or can I call you mine?
Yes, yes, yes!
I mean, no!
Oh, my God!
(BEAT FLOWING)
(CONTINUES)
(CONTINUES)
(CONTINUES)
(BEAT SWITCHES UP)
Excuse me...
(CLEARS THROAT)
Um, I'll have a white
wine spritzer, please.
I can match a drink to a person and I
know you are NOT a white wine spritzer!
Spare me the spiel,
it's been my drink
for a VERY long time!
OK, here's the spiel...
I'll make you a drink,
you don't like it,
it's on the house!
This place is ON FIRE!
I feel like I'm burnin' up!
We should go, what if
it wears off like last time?!
Oh, listen, Cinderella,
we're nowhere near pumpkin time!
We gotta rise up out of the ashes
and spread our wings!
That's a lot of mixed metaphors,
there!
Oh, loosen up, honey!
Plus, I think the DJ's
got the hots for Susie!
Oh, he's a complete flirt!
He makes eyes at everyone!
Is he?
This is AMAZING! What is it?
Uh, I made it for your friend!
Uh, sorry, what's your name?
Charming...
Oh, wait, wait, wait, no, no...
You need to know,
this woman is my BESTEST friend!
OK, are you ready?
He said that
I wasn't the woman he married,
that I had let myself go,
that I had started
to look like his MOTHER!
Oh, Lind, that's enough!
Meet my best friend, Joan!
Because I wouldn't be here
without her
and she deserves a chance
to live her life again!
Who doesn't, right?
Yeah!
(GIGGLING) Let's dance!
(LAUGHING)
Bye!
Bye!
How comes I haven't seen you around
here before? Oh, I don't go out much!
No?
No, it's not my scene...
Fancy a drink?
Aye. Yeah, go on.
What is it?
Tequila!
Fancy one?
Oh... Go on, then, I quite like it!
Cheers!
Oh!
Oh, sorry!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(CONTINUES)
Yeah, we got soul...
(FADES AND DISTORTS)
Oh, sorry, I don't feel so good...
Oh, God...
Oh, oh!
Lind!
(GROANING)
(RETCHING)
Oh, there we go!
(GROANS)
Think I've had enough! (COUGHS)
That's it, you just drank too much!
(CRYING) Yeah, I'm sorry...
The last time you did this
was 40 years ago!
Seems like only yesterday!
Not to me it doesn't!
I was a different person then!
I was ready to experience it all!
You know, fall in love...
And when Karl left me, you know,
you really...
You picked me up!
And although I was really lonely,
you know,
I realised not having
little kiddies around was OK!
Look at all that grief you get
from Robert!
(CLEARS THROAT)
I'll get you some water.
Club's closed, guys!
Have a safe trip home, yeah?
Yeah.
You have a safe trip home too, sir.
(GASPS)
What?
Lind, we've gotta go!
Oh, OK!
Come on!
OK!
Oh, right, um,
I'm gonna find my friends, I think!
One more?
Susie?
Suze? Sue?
Susan?
Have you seen a Scottish girl?
Have you seen a...
Someone in a silver,
very short inappropriate dress?
Excuse me!
Susie!
Urgh!
Sue!
Where is she?
Come on, we really must get going!
Sue!
(SNORING)
(BEEPING AND WHIRRING)
Good morniiinggg! (LAUGHS)
Who are you?!
Oh... I'm nobody!
Did my mum put you up to this?
I didn't want to come here, you
should have left me with my friends!
Find someone your own age!
(DOOR CLOSES)
Are you his mum?
If only we knew
when we were going to change back!
Well, we were here at 11:00
and now it's 5:00am...
Yeah, so it lasts six hours!
Assuming
it's the same every time!
Well, I suppose it depends
on how much you've drunk.
No, no, girls, girls, just you
remember it lasts six hours!
Right... Right. OK.
OK, well, we don't want to have
any more embarrassing moments!
I'm sure I'm lookin' even older!
DJ didn't think so!
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, OK, he was not my type!
All right, ladies,
tomorrow we are going
to Sherwood Forest.
Uh-huh?
Why Sherwood?
It's somewhere I went to
when I was younger.
Ah!
Just felt like a different world.
That's the top of your bucket list?!
Mm-hm! Yep!
Sherwood Forest here we come!
And look...
ALL: Ahhh!
No, no, no...
I would NEVER drink and drive!
(FUN MUSIC)
What about skydiving in Vegas?
That's never going to happen,
I'm scared of heights!
Oh, you just need
some Dutch courage!
Speaking of which,
I've got it right here!
I've got the glasses!
Just be patient!
Is this even the right way?
We'll be there soon,
I know this area
like the back of my hand!
Honestly, I can't deal with it...
I don't think much
of your shortcuts!
I'm gonna die of starvation!
Well, all the roads have changed
since I was last here!
Hey, girls,
Looks like
that surfer's on the menu!
Come on!
(ALL LAUGHING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Well, hello and welcome to Arepas!
What can I get you?
Uh... (CLEARS THROAT) Him!
Oh, I can't help you there, miss!
I'm afraid
he's gone back to Venezuela!
Oh!
Uh, what is all of this?
Yeah!
This is Venezuelan street food,
and before you accuse me
of cultural appropriation,
I'll have you know I am
one quarter Venezolano!
This arm and my left leg!
(LAUGHS)
Three, um, casupo arepas, please.
Sure, coming up!
Why don't you try my refried beans?
Mmm, thank you!
Coriander, cinnamon
and is that...
No... Cocoa?
Bingo!
That's really good!
YOU'RE really good!
(LAUGHS)
(HUMMING TUNE)
Here we are!
Two arepas for you!
Thank you.
And one on the house!
Oh, very kind!
Thank you. Enjoy.
He likes you!
Stop it!
Oh, my God, he completely bought
your chat-up line about the...
"Coriander, cinnamon, cocoa."
Oh, stop it!
It was just a little
ingredient repartee!
(TAPS)
Where's she going?
Joan, where are you going?
(HAPPY MUSIC)
Why are you skipping?
I don't know!
(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)
I'm gonna go climb a tree!
Oh, my God, I just feel so good!
Do you know what I fancy doing?
What?
Climbing a tree!
Gosh, I want a drink!
When you're young,
you've got so much time!
The world's your oyster!
Well, you don't get a free bus pass!
I'd swap a bus pass any day for a
never-ending dose of youthful spirit!
How about a never-ending dose
of Arthur's whisky?
Yeah, well, you used to get away
with so much when you're young!
You know?
Like, you can get a dumb tattoo
and still look sexy
and you can flirt outrageously
without it being a felony!
You and I have always been
SO different, haven't we?
So, Joanie,
what is it about Sherwood Forest,
anyhow?
Well, happy memories, that's all...
With Arthur or did you have
a fling with Little John?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Before Arthur!
Oh, the plot thickens!
I've never told anyone this but...
There was a time when it was my...
My happy place.
Oh, my happy place is in any cooking
aisle of any large supermarket!
When I'm in there, I'm in heaven!
Oh, honey,
you need to get out more!
(GENTLE MUSIC)
Hey, Joanie, you OK?
Joan?
Come on!
Come on!
Let's get some drink!
I'm parched!
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Yeah, coming...
Stop right here!
Uh, hello?
Uh, excuse me...
Hi!
Um... (CLEARS THROAT)
Sorry, I'm closing now.
Oh, no, no, you see, uh...
You see that BEAUTIFUL young lady
over there?
Yeah, well, THIS...
This... This is her number!
So, you call her
and don't be a jerk!
Or I'll come and find you!
Hmm!
Yeah!
You're so cute!
Mmm!
Yeah!
This could be love, Susie!
Thank me later!
(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)
Oh, thank you so much!
That's sweet of you!
Ah!
There we are!
Thank you, just what I needed!
Oh...
Mmm.
(EXHALES)
I loved a man once...
Yeah?
He was a manager at the bank.
I was so young, eager...
Ready to do ANYTHING
he wanted me to do!
Oh, God!
He was handsome, polite.
Uh-huh?
(LAUGHS)
He used to wear a pocket square
expertly folded
in his jacket pocket!
(ALL CHUCKLING)
Every lunchtime,
we would go into the storeroom...
and check ALL the stationery!
Oh, I know what...
I bet
he showed you his pocket square!
Oh!
What happened? No, really?
Why didn't you marry him?
A bank manager
can't be all that bad!
As it turned out,
he already had somebody
who folded his pocket square.
Oh, married, typical!
(SCOFFS)
Oh, I... I'm sorry, Linda!
What are you sorry at me for?
No, it's just that...
When you were married,
I knew YOUR husband had affairs.
Ex-husband,
and you know what,
I don't blame the women either,
not for ONE moment!
It was him.
Mm-hm.
He couldn't stop sharing it about
and trust me...
there wasn't that much to share!
(LAUGHING)
Wait a minute, why didn't
you meet anyone after that?
(LAUGHS)
He broke my heart, I guess.
Oh, well, God, you know what,
I mean, there are SO many advantages
to just being single!
Surely Karl wasn't all that bad?
Oh, no, no, he was worse!
It was our anniversary
and we were supposed to go to Vegas.
You remember, my dream trip!
And Karl and I, you know,
we still had something going then
and we were kind of enjoying
each other's company, right?
Mmm.
And I was rushed
into the emergency room
and, you know, everything
that made me feel like a woman
was just, like, boom, gone,
taken away like that...
And then guess what...
A few days later when I woke up,
Karl said, "We'll never get
the money back on those tickets!"
And that was that,
we could never repair after that.
(SIGHS)
At least Arthur was a good man, right?
Mmm.
Yeah.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Oh...
(CLEARS THROAT)
A text from...
Oh, his name's James!
He wants to meet me tomorrow!
Well, that's wonderful!
Oh, no, I can't do that!
He's expecting a young woman!
Right, girls...
What? Oh!
We're sharing what's left!
Then that's it!
Last orders, then!
Yeah...
We need to find some more!
I think I'm already hooked,
you know what I mean?
But WHAT is the magic ingredient?
Oh!
Four-leaf clover?
Dead Sea salt!
Oh!
Tortoise shell? Tumbleweed?
Spearmint?
Cow's tongue!
BOTH: Eww!
Tadpoles!
OK, OK, I got it! Moss!
No, let me save a note!
I'm saying wishbone now!
No, it's us, girls!
WE'RE the magic ingredient!
Cheers!
We are!
Knock it back, hen!
Woo!
Mmm, mmm!
Oh!
Whoa!
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(BARKING)
Oh, hi...!
Hi, Karl!
Who is it?!
Uh, I don't know, darling,
I'll be right back!
Oh, are you not going to
invite me in after all these years?!
You know, we could, uh,
celebrate your birthday
and have dinner together!
I mean, your 70s,
it's quite a milestone!
No, thanks!
Oh!
Who are you?!
Hi!
And what's that? He's only 50!
Yeah, right!
Oh, come here, baby,
I've missed you! Mmm!
Mwah!
(GASPS)
Oh!
You could have resisted!
Didn't give me a chance!
Like a drive-by!
No man could have avoided that!
Yeah, no OLD man!
Look, I'm not being funny
but this ain't funny!
What are you, a kissagram or what?
Oh, me? No, no...
(GIGGLES)
Don't tell me
you actually KNOW this woman?!
I have never seen this woman before
in my life!
I think it's about time you left!
My fiance and I were about to
open the champagne!
And then let me guess, uh,
play strip Twister?
Yes!
No...
Oh!
Yeah, you know, honey, uh,
this man has an ADDICTION
to younger women
so you're on dangerous ground!
OK, bye now, bye now!
And, uh, oh, congrats!
Congrats!
I don't know
what you're talkin' about!
I'm not even that old!
How did she know
that naked Twister was our thing?
Karl, I waxed and everything!
(DOOR SLAMS)
Um, I'm sorry to disturb you,
um, I wondered if I could
speak to Karen Walters?
Um, I don't know
her married name but...
Does... Does she live here?
No.
Well, thank you, anyway.
You're welcome.
Well, I wanted
my own restaurant a long time ago.
What do you mean wanted?
You still can!
Well, I have a VERY deep
distrust of bank managers
and I don't think
I'd get much credit!
You're very wise...
I could walk you through
my business plan, if you like!
It will take about two minutes.
I hadn't got a clue
when I first started my truck!
Hmm. I loved your arepas.
The flavour of those peppers
was just...
Why, thank you!
(GIGGLES)
Yeah, you're cute!
Thank you!
So, are you comfortable?
Yes!
Do you want me
to adjust your seat for you?
Oh, no, no, I'm OK...
You know, I could just...
Oh! Oh! Oh!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh... Oh, wow! (LAUGHING)
Is there anything else
you want to ask me?
Um, no...
I mean, I'm just here to...
Oh!
Uh... Oh!
(LAUGHING AWKWARDLY)
Yes, um, what gives you
the darn right to do that?
Hmm?
(DOORBELL RINGING FRANTICALLY)
Yes?
Sorry to disturb you again,
um, so, you've...
You've NEVER heard of her?
No!
Karen Walters?
No!
(THUNDER RUMBLES IN DISTANCE) Are...
Are you sure? Yes!
I'm sure! Very sure!
Well, thanks, anyway.
Sometimes things are just...
Just not meant to be.
Right...
OK, so... (SIGHS)
Full disclosure, and I know
it's gonna make you run A MILE,
but I have to be honest...
You're married?
What? No! Well, yes, I WAS married!
But no, I have a kid. Caleb.
Really?
Yeah!
He's six and I'd run
to the ends of the earth for him!
Do you have a photo?
Yeah, I do!
Here's the little boy!
There we go!
Oh, he's lovely!
Isn't he?
(BOTH LAUGH)
(EXHALES) You know, I...
I have to protect him.
And I'm really wary
about introducing him to new people
straight away.
So, I'd like to feel that
you'd be up for meeting him one day!
And I'd like to feel that too.
Well, it's a bit different
to Venezuela!
(LAUGHS) A little bit!
Is he yours?
Yeah!
No, no... This is my parents' place!
That's Cecil!
Hello, Cecil!
(LAUGHS) I've gotta go now...
Obviously, this is the
six-year-old son thing, right?
Women say they're cool
and I don't hear from them again!
No, I'm...
I'm cool as a cucumber!
OK, uh...
Look, I am too old
and this is just...
I'm 24!
Age is just a number, right?
Right.
I've just got to go, that's all.
OK, uh, well, um...
See you again!
See you!
OK!
OK!
OK!
OK, bye, then!
Bye!
Bye, then! (LAUGHS)
Yeah, bye, thanks!
OK...
(LAUGHING)
"Cool as a cucumber"?!
(GRUNTS)
You nearly rumbled me!
(DOOR CLOSES)
Mum, you home?
I'm in here!
Robert, what a surprise!
Nearly gave me a coronary!
Sorry, I didn't think you'd be in.
Ah, well, I am.
Uh, tea, coffee?
No, I'm just here
to pick up dad's equipment.
Um, you're not going to use it
to bake dr*gs, are you?
No, I'd like it because it was his.
Maybe that didn't cross your mind.
Why does everything
have to be a criticism?
I'm sorry that came out wrong,
I know you don't do dr*gs.
What I meant was...
Yeah, get a job, settle down, yeah.
Get a car, find a career.
Do you have any idea what it's
like to be young anymore? (LAUGHS)
Well, actually...
With your 60-year mortgages
and your jobs for life?
The world's changed a lot
since you were my age!
Oh, yes, the good old days
when, uh, they wouldn't let a woman
have a mortgage without a man.
That's the way the world was.
Everyone just accepted it
and got on with their lives.
Right, so...
You had to get married
and have a kid.
That explains a lot.
Robert, just a minute!
When you were little,
you were, um, six, I think...
You got a temperature,
you were burning up
and then you developed a rash
all over your body.
We took you to the hospital
and they told us you had meningitis.
We weren't allowed
to be in the room as you.
All I could do
was look through the glass and watch
while they pumped your little body
full of antibiotics.
I'd have done ANYTHING
to have swapped places with you,
to have taken your pain away.
You still have the scar from the
cannula on the back of your hand.
I don't remember.
I still have nightmares about that,
about trying to reach
through the glass and hold you.
All I have ever wanted to do
is protect you.
Who's Karen Walters?
All right, well, I'm going to
pick up some of the stuff now
and I'll, uh...
I'll come back for the rest
another time.
(INHALES AND EXHALES)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
I agreed to meet Caleb.
Hmm?
Who?
James' son!
There's hardly any left!
Oh...
How much do you like James?
I actually have feelings for him.
Well, just tell him
you're pensionable,
see how interested
he'd be in you then
with your varicose veins
and your haemorrhoids!
You know what you could be? Maybe Caleb's
grandmother! That's not very nice!
I just say it the way it is!
(GIGGLING)
I know...
Why didn't Arthur
make more of it, anyway?!
We need a lifetime supply at least!
I still have SO many things
that I want to do!
Hmm...
(SIGHS)
What...?
Uh, OK...
What?
It can't be!
(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)
(SIGHS)
OK, so, uh,
are you absolutely sure?
I know it's a lot
for you to take in...
Would you like a glass of water?
I'd rather have a nice large whisky!
Sorry?
So, I don't... I mean, what is it?
What is it that the powers that be
are trying to tell me?
Huh?
Why don't get you booked in
with my oncology team?
They will REALLY help you, Linda.
You know what, I just want to say
thanks for everything, OK?
See you in the next life!
(SOFT MUSIC)
(BELLS TOLLING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Thank you...
(SIGHS)
Tia?
Yeah?
You're good at tracking people
down online, can you help me?
Yeah, all right, I'm coming!
I need to find someone.
(TRIUMPHANT TUNE)
Happy anniversary!
Oh! Oh!
What? Oh!
At least you remembered!
I... I tried to get one
with a meerkat on!
Oh, maybe growin' old
isn't that bad after all!
Well, I mean,
if you could find the right guy!
Hmm, I think things
are gonna change for us!
I can feel it deep in my bones!
Oh-ho!
Oh, she looks great!
(LAUGHING)
She's dressed for tennis!
Listen,
I've only found another bottle!
No! Yes! Oh!
I've emptied
the joint savings account,
sold off all the shares so we can
blow the lot and go to Las Vegas!
(CHEERING AS BEAT THUDS)
Come on, girls,
what are we waiting for?!
(SQUEALING)
You'll catch flies like that, dear!
I'll say...
We should cancel their membership!
Leavin' everything behind
I'm leavin' everything behind
(ALL LAUGHING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
When the sun began to rise
I was calling out to someone
With tears in my eyes...
Shall we?
Oh! Oh, my God!
Let's jump! Let's jump!
Oh, my God!
Viva Las Vegas! Wow!
Viva!
Las Vegas!
(ALL CHEERING)
Hey...
I don't know what happened
to the mirrored ceiling!
Where is it?
Oh...
What happened to it?
I don't know either1
Ta-da!
Oh, how did you manage that?!
I put it in the hold!
(ALL LAUGHING)
OK, wait, wait, wait, wait!
OK, first,
you know what I need to do?
I need to powder my nose!
OK!
So, meet back here, back here,
one hour!
One hour! Deal! Deal!
Deal!
Deal! OK!
(BEAT SWAYING)
You're saying there are no tickets
at ANY price for tonight's show?
Oh, dear...
You... You're completely sold out?
(GROANS)
(RECEIVER CLICKS)
(BEAT CONTINUES)
(CHATTER FLOWING)
Oh, it feels like a bit of a dream!
(GIGGLES)
I can't believe that
we're actually here! Mmm!
Is it time for a wee dram?
What?! Where did you get those?
I acquired them
from the limousine!
Oh...
Oh!
Yeah, I don't...
I don't care for any, thank you.
No? Sorry?
No, I just kind of want to
experience this as me!
But it... It... It is you!
No, no, no, I mean, as me NOW!
I mean,
just for this last hurrah,
I don't need the whisky.
It doesn't, like,
feel like the real me!
I think I'd be happier
just being myself.
Oh, well...
Yeah.
Here's to being ourselves!
Being ourselves!
To the real us! Mmm!
(BEAT RESUMES)
OK, this is our first night here!
Yeah!
Let's party!
Heyyy!
Great party!
Incredible!
(ALL CHUCKLING)
And you know what,
you can almost stand up!
Are suggesting
that I'm vertically challenged?
Yes!
Yes!
OK, just checking!
(ALL LAUGHING)
(CHIMES) Oh, your phone!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Hold it, hold it, hold it!
Oh, read this for me because
I've left my glasses in the room!
OK, now wait...
OK, it says
James wants to do screen time!
Just...
Hey, just show him the view!
He's gonna love it!
Yeah, but he'll want to see ME!
Just say you don't know how to use
the front and back camera!
Right?
What does that mean?
Don't ask me!
(LAUGHING)
(MUSIC SWAYING)
(ALARM BEEPING)
(GROANS)
(BEEPING AND VIBRATING)
Oh, be quiet!
(FUN MUSIC)
Hey there, brother,
there's a world out there to see
Just grab your boots
and come on, walk along with me
Hey there, brother,
ride abandon on my knees...
Oh, Arthur, this is as impressive
as you said it would be!
Did you think I could be so brave,
coming out here on my own?
I hope you're looking down right now
and enjoying the view!
Who do I have to sweet-talk to
get tickets for the show tonight?
Oh, I'm afraid
when it says sold out, ma'am,
it's sold out.
Ah, OK...
There are no clocks in here,
how do I know
if it's the right time for a drink?
Oh, it's, uh...
Always the right time
in the world somewhere!
Name's Hal.
Uh, would you do me the pleasure
of allowing me to buy you a drink?
Um, I'm Joan
and the drinks are complimentary
so the casino
can take advantage of it.
Oh, no, no, the house liquor
isn't something I'd recommend!
I'd say we go for
a double mezcal on the rocks.
Mezcal?
Mezcal! Heaven in a glass!
Sunshine in a bottle. Trust me.
Are the house spirits that bad?
Well, I'll let you in
on a little secret there, Joan.
I co-own this joint and I
know what's in 'em. Ah...
It tastes more like drain water
than Belvedere.
So, why do you stock it?
Well, it's, uh, cheap.
Anyway, nobody much cares.
Only thing they'll remember after
losing all their money is the hangover!
Well,
it's a novel approach to business!
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, you might as well go ahead
and leave the bottle.
Right.
Uh, what makes you think
one won't be enough?
Well, I don't know,
you might like the taste
and decide to make a night of it!
To you, Joan.
To you, Hal.
Hold on, what is that?
Oh, that, my dear, is a scorpion.
Gives the mezcal its flavour.
And you expect me
to actually drink this?
Well, why the hell not?
Life's about new experiences, Joan!
That's why you came here,
to the entertainment capital
of the world!
Hmm, you mean the city of sin!
It's also the WEDDING capital
of the world!
Just, uh, don't tell anybody
that Nevada also has the highest
divorce rates in America!
(LAUGHS)
I see a band there, Joanie,
are you married?
I was.
Oh...
Yeah, me too.
Quite a few times,
as a matter of fact.
You know, my folks,
they were married for 61 years.
Used to be something I aspired to,
but not anymore.
If you did, would you restart
the counter each time
or is it accumulative?
Ah, I'm still hoping to enjoy what
time I have left with someone special.
Don't you mind getting older?
Oh, I don't know...
I, uh... I see long-term, Joan.
Uh, when you're young you only see
what's right in front of you.
What do you see now?
I don't know,
let me take a good look...
I see a beautiful woman who's...
Ha!
deciding what to do
with the rest of her life.
Someone who's maybe at a crossroads.
Someone who maybe
needs to take a breath.
(INHALES) Well, I'll drink to that!
Me too, Joan.
(GRIMACES) Oh...
(LAUGHING)
Gets 'em every time!
(LAUGHING)
Oh...
What, um...
What type of person
are you attracted to?
Kind, smart and funny
and, well, I guess young!
Oh, well, not young!
Oh, now, come on, Joan,
sure you are!
No,
it's very kind of you to say so.
Only someone with a youthful spirit would
take a drink that contained a scorpion
with a total stranger
and still be sitting there!
You can meet a 20-year-old
who's got a closed mind,
isn't going anywhere,
but not you, Joan,
you're open to new things.
I... I think you'll always be young.
You know, I, uh,
really ought to get back.
You know,
it sure was nice meeting you, ma'am.
You too.
(CHUCKLES)
(CHATTER AND MUSIC FLOWING)
(PHONE CHIMES)
(LAUGHTER)
"I need to see you.
Please FaceTime me right now.
James."
(LIFT DINGS)
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm lost!
I don't know
if this is my room or yours!
This is my friend's room!
Shh!
(LAUGHS)
Oh, lithe and nimble one,
you brought replenishments!
Hey, why don't you join me?
As tempting as that sounds, sweetheart,
I've got a full body transformation
to organise!
(FUN MUSIC)
Ah...
(INHALES AND EXHALES) Mmm!
Oh!
(CHATTER FLOWING)
(EXHALES)
Yeah...
You look like you need this!
A bit of lippy!
At this stage,
I think I need a miracle!
You know what, I've seen you...
I've seen you before!
Oh, I know what, at
CoCo's in London! Yes!
Oh, it was!
Oh, you're SO good!
Oh, stop it, stop flirting!
Thank you!
What brings you to Vegas?
Are you here with your partner?
No, no...
I'm on a girls' trip, yeah.
Oh, big old girls' trip!
Yeah!
No holds barred!
Well, no, I mean, we're actually...
We're quite dignified,
especially my friend, Joan.
Well, I mean, she THINKS she is!
(LAUGHS)
OK, I'm just gonna...
Let me try... Try a little lipstick.
Yeah!
Yeah.
Yeah.
Pat it on!
Oh, God, are you kidding?
Yes, nice and glossy!
Glossy?
Yes!
Oh, come on...
Look at you, a brand-new woman!
Yeah, right, thank you!
Yeah, totally, anyway...
If only, I don't know...
Anyway, yeah.
Are you OK?
I don't know if I am!
I feel like I just spent my whole
life wishing things were different
and I wanted to be something
that I wasn't
and I finally got what I wanted
and it just still wasn't enough!
You know, I'm starting to think
that I just wished
my whole life away!
It's true, you know...
I mean, that clock, it's ticking
and there's nothing
I can do about it!
Let me...
Wait, let me ask you something, OK?
OK?
Do you love yourself?
I've worked hard to learn to!
It's part of the job!
OK...
What is your secret
for accepting who you are?
There is NO secret!
No?
We all just have to
walk our own path!
Sometimes in stilettos!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Yes!
You know I'm right, see?
OK?
OK!
Just remember... Uh-huh?
You're in Vegas!
You're with a drag queen
in a restroom!
(LAUGHS)
OK?
Don't mope around,
this is a once in a lifetime
opportunity!
Right, OK!
Thank you!
Thank you for the advice!
Thank you so much! Thank you!
Yeah! Thank you!
Oh! It's beginner's luck!
I really...
I have no idea what I'm doing!
Oh... Yeah?
(YELLING)
Oh, my God... That one!
Oh, my God! (LAUGHING)
I beat you guys out,
I slaughtered you!
I'm so happy!
'What are you watching?'
I have over 400 cooking channels and I
haven't copied down a single recipe yet!
Why don't you watch?
Well, you still have time
and I want to see YOU!
Oh, this is really interesting...
I'm going to have to take notes
on that later!
(DINGS)
Oh, shit... I didn't drink enough!
Sorry?
I have to tell you something...
Yeah, me too but you go first.
No, you.
OK, well, after my marriage ended
I was really hurt and...
(SIGHS) Look...
It's been a long time
since I've been with anyone.
Me too, a really, really long time!
And you have been blowing
a bit hot and cold, you know?
I know you like honesty
and that's why I...
Oh, I think...
I think my battery's going!
Um, I'll call you later!
I was an eejit,
I didn't take enough!
Did you call him back?
Well, why don't you
send him some sort of a message?!
Am I falling in love?
Oh, well, uh...
What do you think, Joan?
Yeah!
Huh?
Joanie?
Joanie?
I fell in love...
Her name was Karen.
Oh...
Karen Walters.
We met at the lake
in Sherwood Forest!
(ALL LAUGHING)
One summer night,
when everybody had gone,
we stayed behind and laid down on the
riverbank and stared up at the sky.
She had quite beautiful
auburn hair.
Uh-huh?
And we lost touch...
She got married.
Nobody talked about it then.
Only in hushed tones.
I thought
there was something wrong with me
but then I met Arthur
and I thought,
"Well, I could be happy."
He was a good man. Yeah.
He was patient...
No, actually he wasn't patient,
but loving!
Loving!
OK, OK!
I don't think we talked enough...
REALLY talked.
Because I was suppressing
a part of myself.
But then,
I did really love Arthur, so...
I love you!
You're drunk!
Oh, I don't care, I still love you!
Like a sister!
I mean, we've done so much
together over the years!
I mean, how could I think of you
as anything else?
And you...
Wait, a minute, Suze...
Oh, hold on a minute!
Can somebody just tell me what's
going on here? I'm a bisexual!
Uh-huh!
You like ladies!
I've got it, yes!
I'm not TOTALLY green!
Just because I didn't get married doesn't
mean to say that I don't know about love.
Of course not!
Well, I also happen to have
discovered the secret of life...
Oh, well, come on, tell us!
Don't keep us hanging about!
You have to accept who you are!
And believing that
I wasn't thin enough
or pretty enough or smart enough...
There you are, you see,
and I thought I was the only one!
I was exactly the same.
I fought my body
my whole stupid life,
and guess what, it fought back!
And I'm not saying
that it was my fault
but if I'd just stopped battling with
myself I would've been so much happier!
Mmm!
But the one thing that has been a
constant and NEVER has let me down...
is you two.
Oh!
Oh, my God, here's to us!
Yes, to friendship!
Friendship.
To friendship.
ALL: Friendship!
Oh, my God, I love you two!
Miss Joan?
I'm so sorry, I'm not Joan!
No, I'm Joan.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Your tickets
for the late-night show,
courtesy of the management!
Oh!
Thank you SO much!
You're welcome!
Ah! (ALL LAUGHING)
What magic did you use for that?
Oh, don't be silly!
Enjoy!
Thank you!
Yeah, well, you two
better get your asses changed!
That's all I gotta say!
(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)
It's true,
that's why we always say
whatever happens in Vegas
stays in Vegas!
Well, that's enough
from us style icons...
(LAUGHS) Yeah, even you!
Canadian Tuxedo,
double denim, third row.
We can all see you! Yes!
Thank you for supporting this old
but perfectly formed theatre.
Off-Strip!
And I mean OFF-Strip!
The only venue
with absolutely no bad seats,
isn't that right, sir,
sat behind the palm tree?
(LAUGHTER)
It is my absolute pleasure
to introduce this next act...
He is the chameleon himself,
it is the one and only Boy George!
Oh, yes, and our maestro couldn't
do it without his golden girls
and a little birdie tells me
they're in the house tonight,
golden girls!
No, no, no, no...
You three golden girls, my darlings!
Yes, you, yes! All of you!
Come on up, ladies!
Oh, my goodness!
It is your moment!
Stay close!
Come on up!
(LAUGHING) No, no, I can't...
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, who knew The Supremes
were back in action, everyone!
Listen, I'm so excited, Vegas,
raise the roof and make some noise,
scream, holler and shout
for Boy George!
(CHEERING)
CULTURE CLUB: Karma Chameleon
Ladies, you look incredible!
ALL: Ohhh!
Desert loving
in your eyes all the way
Oh, thank you!
If I listened to your lies
would you say...
Come on!
I'm a man without conviction?
I'm a man who doesn't know
How to sell a contradiction?
You come and go
You come and go...
Karma, karma, karma, karma,
karma chameleon
You come and go
Yes!
You come and go...
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dreams
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green...
Every day is like survival
Survival
You're my lover, not my rival
Every day is like survival
They love you!
Survival!
You're my lover, not my rival
Woo!
(LAUGHTER)
No, no, no, no, no!
What are you doing?!
(MUSIC FADES AND DISTORTS)
(SNAPS BACK)
When you go, you're gone forever
You string along
You string along...
Karma, karma, karma, karma,
karma chameleon
You come and go...
(FADES)
(HORNS TOOTING)
Did she not know
that breakfast was complimentary?
Not like Linda
to miss cinnamon pancakes!
No, it is not!
Lind, get ready,
we are going skydiving!
Wake up!
Linda?!
Hello...
Oh, um, could you...
Could you let us in with a key?
Ah, great!
Great, thank you!
Thank you!
Ah...
Linda?
No...
Linda, no...
(BOTH SOBBING)
Why didn't she tell us
it came back,
so that we could get prepared?
Ah, no, I think she was telling us
in everything she did.
"Never stop living!"
But she DID stop!
I mean, there might have been something
that the doctors could have done!
A new treatment!
She accepted
what she had and who she was...
and in the end she had fun.
(FIGHTING BACK TEARS)
Mm-hm. She did that. We all did.
(BELLS TOLL)
Linda, she was greatly renowned,
I believe, for her textile work,
being heavily involved
in a spinning group and, uh...
"Dear Arthur...
I don't think I will ever
be able to thank you enough.
You must be looking down at our recent
adventures and having a good laugh!"
Cheers!
Mmm!
God, there's SO many things
I want to do!
"You have opened my eyes to a life and
a person I thought I had lost forever.
You gave me a chance to appreciate
the people I have in my life
rather than dwell on those I don't.
I have laid a few ghosts to rest..."
Gird your loins!
Mwah!
"and done a little haunting
of my own."
And here's to us! To friendship!
Friendship.
To friendship.
Oh, please... Oh, my God!
"But mostly, I have found the joy
and strength to walk my own path.
I will never forget
how lucky I've been.
(SIGHS)
All my love...
Linda."
(BELLS TOLL)
You OK, Mum?
Where were you?
Um, well, I just thought
I'd wait outside
cos I don't really like funerals.
Um, I remembered something.
Hmm?
When I was in hospital, uh,
yeah, I might have made this up
but, um,
did you walk in the room
dressed in a spacesuit?
It was PPE!
Yeah, I was...
I thought, "That's awesome!
Mum's an astronaut!"
Astronaut?
Talk about setting me up for a fall!
I'm sorry, Mum, um,
for putting you through...
Uh, well, everything.
Well, no, I'm sorry if I wasn't
always the mother I should have been.
I probably made a lot of mistakes.
I hope you can forgive me. Yeah.
Parents are people. Make mistakes.
They're not all astronauts.
I know you didn't always approve of the
way your father and I lived our lives
but it worked for us.
There was love
and you were very much wanted.
My new girlfriend
is a tattoo artist.
How wonderful!
I'm a bisexual.
The thing with the next generation is they
always think they've invented everything!
OK, boomer,
I'm sure you can
still teach me a few things!
(LAUGHS)
Have you ever thought
of getting a tattoo, Mum?
Well, there's a first time
for everything!
Hello!
What's happened?
I can't breathe properly!
I can't even face
going into the kitchen!
I feel like there's nothing in there
for me anymore! What do you mean?
Is it wrong for me
to want to know if James...
can have feelings for the real me?
When do you want to go?
How about right now?
Come on!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Come on!
(HANDBRAKE CRANKS)
Just be Susan!
I don't know who Susan is!
Of course you do!
Here we go...
Hey, Joan Collins, Tina Turner,
Dolly Parton,
Cher all married younger men!
(LAUGHING)
(HUMMING)
Hi!
Hello!
You're just in time,
my last bit of bean salad!
Oh!
OK...
Needs a wee bit more cayenne.
Right, OK!
Do I know you?
(LAUGHING)
Huh...
(STAMMERING) I can see
you're, uh, about to close up.
I'll... I'll go.
Wait, your laugh,
it seems familiar!
Really?
Did I serve you last week?
We spent some time in the park!
You like the chimichurri!
I do like chimichurri
but I don't remember seeing...
Uh, we chatted for a long time
over the paella in Whitstable.
Did we?
Yeah.
You were... Charming!
I was, was I?
Yeah!
Right... Look, uh, I should go.
I've got to take my son swimming.
OK...
Here we are. Thank you. Goodbye.
Right... Bye.
You dropped this!
Yeah, that's my, um...
Business plan.
How's Caleb?
Look, I had to see you...
because when you say something
you come from a really good place
and you always say
exactly what you mean
and I always wanted a boyfriend and
I don't feel lonely when I'm with you
and when I'm with you I feel like
I can trust you completely!
And...
Oh, I know, I know,
I've got a lot of explaining to do!
But age is just a number, right?
Right...
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I... I like to cook!
Really?
Mm-hm!
Maybe I could teach you something!
I'd, um... I'd like that!
Come on in!
Carpe bloody diem!
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Hello, is that Joan?
Uh, yes, that's me.
Yeah, well, this is, uh...
This is Karen Daly's ex-husband, uh, Henry.
Uh, well, Karen Walters,
as you knew her.
H... Hello?
Uh, yeah, yeah, so... Yeah, sorry!
Um, yes, I'm still here.
(CHUCKLING)
Uh, your son, Robert,
contacted me on Facebook.
She's dead, isn't she?
Heavens, no!
No, she gets confused
but she's very much alive!
She's alive?
I mentioned your name
and she was delighted...
and she'd love to see you!
Yes, well, she had a fall.
Oh...
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Was it on a bus?
Uh, no, on the pavement.
Yeah, she banged her head.
Yeah, um, so,
there have been a few issues
but, uh,
she should be out in a few days
once the swelling has gone down.
Hmm, everybody has falls.
(CHUCKLING)
There's no shame in that.
Now, look, uh, listen,
she might not recognise you.
Could be the bump,
could be something else,
but she talks about you
all the time!
Really?
It was a long time ago!
Hmm.
Don't know
if I've mentioned it to you
but we have a daughter
called Joanie.
Joanie?
Yeah.
And she's been ever so good,
she pops in to see Karen
whenever she can.
Yes, you must have been
such an inspiration.
Now, you should probably
go in on your own.
If I were to be there,
it might not be helpful,
the clash of past and present
might be a bit confusing for her
so I'll leave you to it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Have you come to fix the bed?
Do I know you?
You know me better than most!
Aren't you a little bright-eyed
to be a nurse?
Everyone in here
seems to be so tired!
Could you be a dear
and help me with my pillows?
Yes!
I want to be a bit more...
Upright?
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
There we go...
Oh, thank you!
Um, could I borrow that glass
a moment?
My mouth's gone a bit dry!
Yeah, of course!
Thank you.
Ah... Better!
Henry, your ex-husband,
he seems very nice!
Oh, yes, he used to be
a wonderful bowler
but he had a nasty sprain.
His overarm has never been
quite the same again.
Do you play?
What, cricket?
(LAUGHS)
Um, enthusiastic spectator!
(CHUCKLES)
I've been told I run in my sleep.
Where do you go?
Sherwood Forest.
You're a sight for sore eyes,
Joanie!
What are you doing here, anyway?!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, I've missed your laugh!
You haven't changed a bit.
Oh!
Your eyes, they...
They sparkle just like they did
when I first met you!
I'm so glad you've come!
I've been dreaming about our nights
by the lake for a long time...
We were lousy secretaries,
weren't we?
Oh, God, hopeless!
We should have stayed in touch!
You stopped writing.
Well, I got married and we moved.
Same here.
Um, I'm sorry that we drifted apart.
No room for regrets.
One needs to work out
what's important...
only then can you find peace!
(GENTLE LAUGH) I know.
And that's what I hope I can do
before it's too late.
I think you've found it.
So do I.
And that's why I'm here!
Oh, you make me feel so young!
I'm older now.
(SOFTLY) Bye.
(ENGINE RUMBLING)
(SIGHS) Are you ready?
As I'll ever be!
You better appreciate this,
Linda!
Only she could get us
to do something like this!
It feels like we're gettin'
just a wee bit closer to heaven!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I think I'm terrified!
Ah, what's life for if you don't
just get on and live it?
Mmm, and thank goodness there's no
age limit on us enjoying ourselves!
Oh, I'm supposed to
be enjoying this?!
(LAUGHS)
Oh, God!
(INHALES) Thanks a lot, Linda,
for everything!
(BELL RINGS)
(SIGHS) Right, let's do it!
Oh, an extra thanks to Arthur!
(SOFTLY) Arthur.
Let's do it!
(ATMOSHPERIC MUSIC)
Release these and let go!
Let go!
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
We love you, Lindaaaaa!
(WHOOPING)
(LAUGHING)
Woo!
Wow...
Geronimooooo!
Here we go!
Well done, Joan!
Woo! Go, Mum!
(HONKING)
Go ahead, Joan, now's a good time!
I'll always love you, Linda!
Goodbye!
(SCREAMING)
(LAUGHS)
Woooo!
Woo-hoo-hoo! Woo-hoo-hoo!
Wooooo!
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHTER)
Karma, karma, karma, karma,
karma chameleon
You come and go
You come and go...
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dreams
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green...
Didn't hear your wicked words
every day
And you used to be so sweet
I heard you say
that my love was an addiction
When we cling, our love is strong
When you go, you're gone forever
You string along
You string along...
Karma, karma, karma, karma,
karma chameleon
You come and go
You come and go...
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dreams
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green...
CULTURE CLUB: All I Know
They fall into pockets
and they can't get out
Stuck in the corner,
no room for doubt
Alligator teeth,
thorns in your bed
Twenty years of thinking 'bout
what was said
If there's a ghost of a chance
that that ghost can dance
I might take his hand
If there's a ghost of a chance
of a sweet romance
I might stick around
Because of all I know
I'm learnin' to let things go
Let go
Because of all I know
I'm learnin' to let things go
They fall into pockets
and they can't get out
Stuck in the corner,
no room for doubt
And you, I feel like I'm 17
Everything touching me
in a brand-new way
Hey, I love you more today
If there's
a ghost of a chance...
(FADES)