05x42 - Whiplash

[bunniefuu]

[chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

* *

- Have you suffered a painful and disabling injury

that was not your fault?

Are you about to be injured? Would you like to be injured?

Have you ever considered a possible injury?

You could have been injured and not even know about it!

[chuckling]

- Yeah.

[police sirens wailing]

- Howdy, I'm attorney-at-law Joe Adler.

I specialize in Class A whiplash-style injuries.

Our pledge to you is, if you need cash,

dial -WHIPLASH.

- Whoa.

Money just for getting hurt?

That's cool.

- Yeah.

- Uh, Beavis.

You're about to be injured.

- Oh, yeah.

[Radiohead's "Fake Plastic Trees"]

- * A green plastic watering can *

- Ah, yeah.

I like to mellow out to this song.

- Yeah.

Let's get a little mellow.

- Yeah.

Sometimes, if I have a boner that won't go down,

I listen to this kind of music.

[chuckling]

* *

- * She lives with a broken man *

- Hey, that looks like that dude.

Uh, he was on TV,

and then they made a cartoon out of him.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Um, he's got that shirt.

And then his hair is, like, all in a point

on the top of his head.

Yeah, yeah, what's his name?

- Uh, yeah. What is his name?

- Oh, damn it. One second.

He's, um--yeah, he's, like, always going, "I must say."

- Uh, yeah.

And then he's, like, always saying

he's gonna be on "Wheel of Fortune,"

and he's, like, all into Pat Sajak.

Uh, Wiggly.

Smegly.

- No, no, that's not it. Damn it.

What's his name? Damn it!

This guy looks just like him.

Damn it. I'm forgetting everything.

I can't remember anything anymore.

Hey, Butt-Head.

Um, try smacking me, just once.

- Uh, sure.

- [grunting]

Ah, ow!

Um, Ed Grimley!

- Uh, oh, yeah. That's the dude.

I ought to hit you more often, Beavis.

- Um, you hit me?

- Yeah.

[groaning]

- Bunghole! Don't ever hit me again!

This is cool.

I hardly ever take the bus to school.

Yeah.

- You hardly ever go to school, dillhole.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I think you're right.

- It's like, if we had a car,

we wouldn't have to take the bus.

But it's like, you're taking the bus

so that we can, like, have an accident with a car

and, like--

wait a minute--so we can have some money, uh, so, uh...

- Uh, what? Come on, Butt-Head.

Come on.

- Uh, I forgot.

[brakes squealing]

Now, remember, Beavis, just sit there

and don't do anything.

I'll take care of the rest.

- Um, okay.

Yeah.

- This is gonna be cool.

[chuckling]

- Hey, how's it goin'?

So, um, do you ever, like, um, take the bus to school?

- What do you think I'm doing right now?

- Oh, yeah. I get it.

Yeah, me too. That's cool.

- We're gonna be rich.

[chuckling]

- Um, can I borrow a pencil?

- Do you even know how to write?

Look, if I give this to you, will you leave me alone?

- Um, yeah.

Uh, maybe.

I don't know.

Oops.

[tires screech]

- Where's the damn bus?

- Oh, better get that.

Yeah, think it's right down here.

- Hey, y'all settle down back there!

- Uh.. [tires squealing]

Whoa. - Ahh!

- Ahh!

- Oh, dear Lord. - Ahh!

- Son, are you all right?

- [chuckling]

That was cool.

[chuckling]

- So, uh, he has, like, that, uh--

that whipped lash thing.

And, like, uh, it really hurts.

- Yeah. And, um, I'm having bad dreams.

And I poop a lot.

[chuckling]

- Hmm.

Interesting story.

Well, let me just take a look here.

- Ahh!

- Well, I can see that you have a traumatic injury, son.

But it sure doesn't look like whiplash to me.

- It is whiplash! Come on, tell him, Butt-Head.

I was like, "Ahh, my leg!"

I mean, "Ow, my neck!"

Yeah, and I heard something break too,

just like on that commercial.

- What we have here is a clear case of negligence.

We are going to sue the school system.

We are going to sue the city.

We are going to sue the state.

And we are going to sue the bus driver.

Now, what you boys need are some top-quality X-rays.

- Cool.

- Yeah.

- There you go, son.

- Um, let's see.

Um, yeah.

- Now it's starting to look like we got

ourselves a case of whiplash.

- So, uh, can we have some money now?

- Joe Adler, you're under arrest

for counts of fraud.

- Cool. - Yeah.

[Jerry Lee Lewis' "Goosebumps"]

* *

- * About my darling I was fantasizing *

* A little girl got me in a trance *

- Whoa, I think this is my grandpa.

- * The way she's lookin', well, it ain't surprising *

- No, this is that dude that was in that movie.

- * I'm gonna take another chance *

- He married his cousin, and then they did it.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

I think that movie was called "Great Balls of Fire."

[chuckling]

- * Goosebumps all over my skin *

- Did you know when you get it on with your cousin,

it means she's your cousin, uh, like once removed?

- Whoa, really?

You know, my grandpa told me once that, like,

because he did it with his cousin,

that means that my grandma is my cousin.

And my mom is my great aunt.

- Uh, yeah. And she's also a great slut.

[chuckling]

- Oh, yeah.

And, um--and also, I think my grandma is a nitwit.

* *

- * I get the shivers up and down my spine *

* Goosebumps *

- It's like, I didn't know you could,

like, rock on the piano.

- Yeah, it's like,

all you need to do is, like, you know,

kick the piano and do it with your cousin,

and you'll be cool forever.

- Yeah, yeah.

Or maybe you could, like, do it with a piano

and kick your cousin, yeah.

- Beavis.

- Sorry about that.

- * Goosebumps, baby *

- Now, tell me, boys, how did you get mixed up

with this con man?

- Uh, he was gonna give us some money.

- Don't mess with me, boy.

I could send you away right now for obstruction of justice.

- Uh, okay.

- And what about you, Mary?

- Um, my name is Beavis, sir.

Well, you see, it's like this.

Um, I was on this bus,

and this girl was checking me out, you know,

looking at my nads.

And the bus driver was, like, drunk or something.

And then, uh--

- You lying little punk. - Ahh, hey!

- You're lucky that girl wasn't hurt.

She's ready to testify.

- Ahh!

- I think you two planned that bus accident.

- Um, does this mean we aren't gonna get the money?

- Shut up!

Did Mr. Adler tell you to stop that bus?

- Uh, no.

We thought of it ourselves, sir.

- Hey, hey, shut up!

Damn it, I'm talking to you, not you.

I'm talking to this guy right here.

Look me in the eye, boy, and tell me the truth.

- Yeah.

Um, I didn't really know what was going on.

It was like, Butt-Head just told me to sit there.

And he said he'd take care of the rest.

Yeah. - Damn it, Beavis.

Tell the truth. - I am telling the truth.

- You did know what was going on, didn't you?

- No, I didn't. - Just admit it!

I bet you don't even have whiplash, do you, huh?

- Ahh, my neck!

- [chuckling]

- Ahh! - Whiplash is cool.

[Korn's "Blind"]

- Whoa. This looks like it might rock.

- Yeah, maybe.

- Yeah. I mean, I don't know.

Maybe it's all right, you know?

I guess it sounds kind of cool.

- You know what might make a difference?

If, like--you know, if you were really dizzy

when you're watching it.

- Yeah, yeah, if you're all, like, dizzy in the head,

and you're watching this.

- Yeah.

- Want me to strike you?

- No, I know how to make myself dizzy.

Check it out.

- I learned this one time. Check this out.

- * What if I should die? *

- [sputtering]

[gasping]

I think that the problem with this video

is that it is highly derivative

of many popular bands within the genre.

Although when viewed on its own merits...

- Uh, Beavis? - It have a decent groove.

- However, what it has in groove,

it lacks in originality.

- What's your problem?

- One can't help but be reminded of such bands

as Pearl Jam, White Zombie, Suicidal Tendencies,

and other bands that bear the mantle

of so-called alternative rock.

- You're talking like a dork, Beavis.

- One is even reminded of Laurie Anderson

when she wore curlers.

This video speaks to the heart and more to the sphincter.

In closing, I think Korn... - Beavis!

- Would do well to learn more from--

ah, ah, ah!

Ahh, ow!

Whoa! What happened?

- You got all dizzy, and then you started

talking like a dumbass.

- Whoa, really?

Wow.

- Yeah.

But then you did say "sphinxter."

- Oh, yeah.

Um, it's pronounced "sphincter," Butt-Head.

[bluesy rock music]

* *