04x27 - Crisis Line

[bunniefuu]

CRISIS LINE

For some kids
the crisis line

is the only place they can get
help with family issues,

school problems and
questions about sex.

Your identities are kept secret,

so they feel ok about speaking intimately.

Beautiful women are
waiting to talk to you now!

It could be the most satisfying
school experience you'll have.

Any volunteers to
work the phones?

Beavis and Butt-Head!
What a nice surprise.

Yeah.

Rock!

Hey Butt-Head, doesn't this
song have another video?

Yeah. This song is so good
they had to do it twice.

Really?

- Mother!
- Mother!

Tell your children
not to walk my way...

What they... tell them not to... yeah,
tell them not to... mean I say...

Mother!

I heard this dude can like,
bench press 140.

Whoa. That's pretty good.
Maybe he'll be in the 200 Club someday.

Settle down, Danzig.

I wonder what this guy does, like,
when, y'know, he's not doing this?

I bet he just scores with chicks,
and then, like, just fights alot.

I wonder who would win
in a fight between Danzig, and...

- Geraldo?
- No.

Danny Bonaduce?

- Bonaduce would kick ass!
- Bonaducci! Bonaducci!

- What's he doing?
- Yeah.

He was, like, shaking his hips
back and forth like a little wussy.

That little dance
isn't very cool.

Now remember, the kids who call
are in pain, they need a friend,

- someone who'll just listen...
- To their private fantasies.

The most important thing they need
is compassion without judgment, okay?

I know you fellas will be great. Oh, and
guys, try to make a conscious effort

to be more polite, okay?
Especially to the women.

Hello?

All the other girls are growing breasts.

Mine aren't growing.
Is there something wrong with me?

Hey Beavis, this
chick's flat.

Yeah?

Hi... sometimes I wet the bed.

Is that, like, normal?

- What happens when I get married?
- Is this, is this...

Hey Stewart!

Stewart.
What a wiener!

Stewart wets his bed.

- Stewart wets his bed.
- Oh God!

- Hello?
- Hello.

Well, my... my boyfriend,

is like, so rude!

I mean, he's like, pressuring
me to put-out and all,

but I'm not sure if
I'm ready for sex.

I advise you to put out.
That would be cool.

Well, but... like, I heard
you're supposed to wait?

Oh! Yeah...
Until tomorrow.

- What are you talking about?
- Yeah.

You... need someone better.

Someone who's, like...

- polite, and stuff.
- Yeah, yeah. That's us.

Hi, may I help you?

Yeah.

You should put out to someone you'll
meet at school tomorrow, who's polite.

Thank you. Goodbye.

We're gonna score!

Remember Beavis, be
polite to every girl we see.

Then we will score with that
chick who called last night.

Beavis and Butt-Head,

why you don't share with the class what
you learned working on the crisis line?

Okay.

- I mean, excuse me.
- Yeah. Thank you.

May I?

Yeah. After you.

Please, you first.

- She's not here.
- Oh. That sucks.

My pleasure.
My pleasure.

Hey! My pleasure.

So like... after you. Ma'am.

- Please, you first.
- Yeah, you first.

Thank you.
Drive through.

I insist.

Excuse me.

Sorry for the
inconvenience, I'll go get a mop.

Aren't you like, the guys
from the crisis line?

You said "No sex 'till I met
a guy that's polite"?

- Yes ma'am.
- Is there something I can help you with?

Yeah, my boyfriend
wanted to meet you.

I beg your pardon.

Hope I didn't put
you in any trouble, sir.

I'll be right with you, sir.

Is this another one of those
damn '80s suck videos?

Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.

From that album,
"The Classics of Suck"!

Hey Butt-Head, those
aren't real gorillas.

They had to get fake ones, 'cause like,

they knew that real gorillas
wouldn't listen to this crap.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what animal
would listen to this crap?

Is a cow.

Cows can listen to that crap
'cause they have like...

they have like, like six stomachs.

Yeah.

I bet you could get a cow
to listen to like, Warrant.

Hey Butt-Head.

Who is this buttknocker anyways?

This is James.

James who?

His parents asked him not to use their
last name, 'cause it's like, he sucks.

His parents said:

"Son, we know you suck, and
that's okay. But could you just, like...

- not use our name?"
- Yeah.

And then they hugged him!

What a wuss!

Well, there's a big eye ball.

They need more big eye balls in
videos. Like, like a big pile of eye balls.

- Yeah. What is all this stuff?
- Yeah, really.

It's like, it's like, they're running through
the grass, and there's like, a house.

Yeah.

What ever happened to chicks with big
thingies and cleavage and stuff like that?

Yeah. Seems like they
don't do that anymore.

These guys need to spend
more time with sluts.

Yeah, yeah. These guys aren't
filthy enough.

Whoa! Are there, like, two
lead singers for this band?

Yeah, so what?

Yeah but it's like, it's like,
there is this dude in like, overalls,

and then there's this other dude.

So what, Beavis?

I don't know, I just thought like, you know,
there's two singers, it's like, you know...

That's something.

- Hey, somebody's talking.
- Yeah yeah, what is that?

- I hate it when people talk over videos.
- Yeah. There's some guy going:

Yeah, at least if they're gonna talk,
like, break something, and like,

- you know, just do something.
- Yeah.

Either you follow, or lead,
or get off the pot.

Yeah. Really.

Get off the toilet.

These guys are like, a cross between
Stone Temple Pilots and like,

just a bunch of regular guys.

Yeah yeah, it's kinda,
like, a cross between

the Stone Temple Pilots and
those dudes on Hee-Haw.

Oh yeah.

You met another and...
Hee-was gone.

- That was pretty good, Butt-Head.
- Yeah.

- Hello? I need some help.
- Shut up!

I… I've taken some pills and I...
I don't know how many...

Hey Beavis, what's that number?



Hello! I'm Candy,
what can I do for you?

I've got a crisis...

In my pants.