Chick Flick (2023)

[bunniefuu]

[Claire] Every girl can relate.

This was my wedding day.

This was the day

I'd waited for my entire life.

I had dreamed of this moment

since I was six years old,

and everything was perfect.

Everyone I loved was there.

Uncle Peter, crazy Aunt Sue,

Mr. Hoffman,

my PE coach from fifth grade.

And that lady,

no idea who she is,

never seen her before

in my life.

Cousin Frank,

Tiffany, my book club friend,

Franny, our housekeeper,

and even creepy Uncle Bill.

And the cherry on top

was my daddy,

who proudly walked me

down the aisle

and handed me to my new husband.

And there he was,

the love of my life.

Jared Jones.

And I was about to be his wife.

[squeals] Mrs. Claire Jones.

From the moment

I saw him across the counter

at Cinnabon at the mall

that Tuesday, freshman year,

I just knew this was my guy.

I loved the way

he cuddled me at night.

I loved his ears.

I loved the way

he called me Claire Bear.

Hey.

[Claire] I just couldn't

wait to marry him.

[whispers] You look beautiful.

[whispers]

Thank you. I love you.

[whispers] I love you.

[Claire] Ladies, sidebar.

If your husband looks

like this on your wedding day,

there is something

seriously wrong.

Note this look.

[whispers] Baby, I need

to tell you something.

-Baby, not right now.

-Claire, just listen.

This never meant anything

and I swear to you,

it was so long ago.

[Claire] I thought maybe he

hadn't paid his taxes on time,

or maybe his credit score was

a little weaker than he'd said.

Or I thought maybe

he was gonna confess

he'd shaved his balls once

with my lady razor.

[whispers]

I slept with your sister.

Four years ago.

-[Claire scoffs]

-I'm sorry.

Now's not a good time

for that joke.

I'm not joking.

Yes, you are.

No. Baby, I'm serious.

-No, you're not serious.

-Yes, I'm serious.

-No, you're not serious.

-I'm not joking.

-You're not serious.

-What do you want me to say?

I'm not kidding.

-You f*cked my sister?

-Sorry, babe. I had to tell you.

I'm just being honest.

I'm doing

the whole honesty thing.

And you choose

to tell me right now?

Baby, I had to tell you.

I had to--

I had to tell you

before we got married.

-She's my f*cking sister, Jared.

-I know she's your sister.

And it's my-- my bad-- my bad.

But it was a long time ago

and it didn't mean anything.

And it was k*lling me.

[inquisitive music playing]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

-You slept with my fianc?

-Oh, my God!

-I--

-Okay, Claire.

I'm sure you two

can sort this out later.

What? Are you kidding?

Are you crazy?

He slept with my sister!

I can't marry him.

-I can't marry you.

-Baby, just calm down.

Honestly, look how gorgeous

you look in your dress.

And there's

all these people here,

everybody that we love.

And your dad's

gonna be so pissed off.

And I love you more

than anything in the world

and I would

never hurt you again.

I am so sorry for this, Father.

I know it's f*cked up

in your church, and I apologize,

but honestly, baby, think of it.

Uh, wedding paid for.

You know, the-- the-- the--

the party bus is paid for.

The-- the--

Everything's paid for.

[Claire] You think I give

a f*ck about any of that?

-Uh, no. But your dad's--

-You think I give a f*ck

that the flowers

had been paid for?

-Are you f*cking crazy?

-I'm sorry.

[Claire] You deserve to have

the shit beaten outta you.

That was close.

Thanks a lot. Nice. [grunts]

[Claire] Gotcha that time.

You f*cked my sister.

-It's disgusting.

-Claire, please just wait.

-[Claire yelps]

-Claire!.

[Claire] Get off me!

Ladies, I told you there was

something up with that look.

My wedding was f*cked up

beyond all recognition.

Making a getaway

in a wedding dress

and ill-fitting heels

wasn't exactly ideal,

but come hell or high water,

I was getting

the f*ck outta there.

Claire, wait!

-Babe, where are you going?

-Anywhere you're not.

["What Do I Hafta Do"

by Effie Liu playing]

What do I hafta do

When my heart

waves the ocean moves

What do I need to say

Would you turn up

And turn around

and try to say

Baby, baby, baby, to you

I was a baby,

baby, baby to you

I was a baby,

baby, baby to you

I was a baby,

baby, baby to you

Baby, baby, baby

[music fades]

My relationship

with my sister was ruined.

My wedding was ruined.

My life was ruined.

I felt so stupid.

[knocking on door]

[Claire's mother] Claire.

[knocking continues]

Claire, honey, it's mom.

-[Claire sighs]

-Honey, open the door.

[Claire] My head was spinning.

I felt nauseous.

The fact that the man I love

cheated on me is one thing.

The fact

that it was with my sister

was something else entirely.

Where was I the day they did it?

Did they do it in our bed?

Were they,

like, flirting for months,

or was this

some drunken accident?

Oh, my God. Wait.

Did they do it more than once?

How did they do it?

What position?

How much had they had to drink,

and where the f*ck was I

when all this was going on?

I was stuck in some nightmare

version of betrayal purgatory

and I couldn't find a way

to dig myself out.

I felt my world

falling to pieces.

Everything was crashing down

and out of control.

I just had to get away.

So, I did what all girls do

when they're suffering

from a broken heart.

I went to get shit-faced.

[bartender] On the house.

So come on, baby

Before I turn around

And turn around

and try to say

You're a good friend.

Oh, f*ck!

I was a baby,

baby, baby to you

[Claire's mother] Oh, honey,

you are so beautiful.

He's just gonna fall over

when he sees you.

Thanks, Mom.

What do I hafta

do here for you

What do I hafta do

What do I hafta

do here for you

[music fading]

[bar din]

-Hi.

-Hi.

-I'm Ryan.

-[Claire] Girls.

When you're alone

crying in a bar,

in your wedding dress no less,

and a man approaches you,

this is not hot.

This is a situational stalker.

Claire. [chuckles]

Claire, let me

buy you another drink.

[quirky music playing]

[Claire] Ew! Cat piss.

[gasping] Panties are on.

Oh, thank God.

Panties are on.

Just need to get out of here...

without waking him.

Just need to get this on here.

Okay, Claire.

Come on, baby.

Let's get you on now.

Upsy daisies.

-Hey, where are you going?

-f*ck!

Good morning.

Uh,

I'm just gonna, uh,

-head home now.

-Mm-hmm.

[grunting] Come on!

-Ooh...

-[Ryan sighs]

I'd like to see you again.

Um...

Oh, God.

You know, you're the most

beautiful thing I've ever seen.

[Claire] You're disgusting.

I hate myself.

-Thank you. Thank you so much.

-f*ck you, Simon's Bridal,

you shitty clearance

rack piece of crap.

-Uh, um, yeah.

-Come on!

[grunts] Okay.

[sighs] I was thinking, uh...

I'm gonna-- I'm gonna head out.

Uh, do you know--

do you know

where I put my shoes?

Yeah, you kind of

vomited on 'em last night.

I cleaned them off for you.

Thank you. [clears throat]

I'll get them on my way out.

Well, how you getting home?

[Claire] Oh, God.

Where the f*ck am I?

[Claire retching]

[Claire shudders]

Take it easy on the turns.

[sighs] Sorry.

God, I hope you don't have

alcohol poisoning or anything.

Oh, yeah.

And you, uh, got a little bit

of something there.

What?

[Ryan] On the side.

Yeah, that's, uh--

[Claire screaming]

Oh, God. I'm sorry.

I don't even remember

eating rice yesterday.

-You got it.

-[Claire sighs]

[Claire sighs]

Did we have sex?

Please God. Please God, say no.

No.

[Claire] Sweet baby Jesus.

Thank you.

[Ryan] No, you just

laid in my bed.

Put your arms around me

and you fell asleep.

Are you sure?

[Ryan] Yeah, it was

kinda nice actually.

Ugh, good.

Because I really hate those guys

that take advantage

of drunk girls.

[Ryan sighs]

Yeah, I hate those guys too.

It's here. Pull over.

-Right over here?

-Yeah, right here.

-I think I'm gonna throw up.

-Okay.

[Claire] Oh, God.

I'm definitely gonna throw up.

Oh, God, I'm gonna throw up.

-All right, um...

-Oh, my God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

[Claire grunts]

-Where's the handle?

-Oh.

-No, you gotta, like--

-Look, there's no handle.

No, you--

-Oh, God.

-Okay.

I'm gonna throw up. Oh, God.

-Oh, God.

-It's okay.

[Claire retching]

Oh, God.

[Claire groaning]

Oh, God. Oh, God.

I gotta get outta this car.

-I gotta get out.

-Um--

I gotta get out.

-I gotta get out.

-Um, about that.

-Yeah. Yeah.

-Uh...

-[Claire grunting]

-Uh...

I gotta get out. Oh, yeah.

[grunts] I gotta get out.

-[Ryan] Okay.

-[Claire grunting]

[car honking]

-Good?

-[Claire heaving]

[Claire groaning]

See you later.

[muffled arguing]

[Jared] Not to be a d*ck,

but honestly,

it shouldn't even count.

I wore--

I think I wore a condom,

and I don't think that...

I don't even know if it was

smart for me to tell her.

[arguing continues]

[Claire] Well, I hope the

Jewel Palace takes returns.

-...knows?

-Oh, my God.

-Hi.

-[Claire] Fuckward.

Claire.

Uh, this-- this

is not what it looks like.

It was exactly

what it looked like.

My cheating fianc and my sinful

sister trying desperately

to fix the monumental

clusterfuck of a mess

they'd made of our lives.

[Jared] And they're all

your favorite flowers.

I'm moving out.

Please don't do that.

Claire, the reason

we're here arguing is...

[Claire]

Wait, is this even my suitcase?

...we all feel so bad

about keeping things

from you for so long.

Oh, by the way,

your inadequately small

engagement ring

is out there on the table.

I'm sure you'll find

somebody else to give it to.

Like, for example, my sister.

[Jared]

Babe, where were you last night?

Everybody in my family,

in your family, we--

we were all

looking for you everywhere.

Aw, that's so sweet.

So, you do care about me?

Yes.

I was out with my new friends,

Jim

and Jack and, uh,

Jose Cuervo.

Baby...

I don't know

if this is even my suitcase.



I am gonna take my chair

because I bought it.

Honey, please.

Where are you gonna live?

[Claire grunting]

[Claire] There was no way I was

moving back in with my parents.

So, I moved

into the nearest motel

until I could

get my head straight.

[water trickling]

["Slow Dancing"

by Scavenger Hunt playing]

There's a weakness

in the darkness

And I start

to believe my lies

And the secrets

in my heart there

In a place that I can't hide

There's not enough rain

to wash you away...

[Claire moans]

Hey, baby.

Did you have fun?

...and we lost

and we threw it away

Yeah.

Good.

Isn't it bad luck

for me to see you

the night before the wedding?

I guess we hadn't

really thought about that.

Well...

I love you.

More than anything

in the whole world.

Nothing's gonna change that.

Especially not

some silly old superstition.

Not asking

We're supposed to know

The shapes there,

the outlines

And so many shades of gray

In the corners,

in the angles

Will be slowly fading away

I don't have the strength

to wash you away

I'm not the one

who can make you stay

I love you,

I lose you every...

I was still showing up to work,

but frankly,

my head wasn't in the game.

I was just a zombie

walking around the office.

My body was there, but my mind

was somewhere else entirely.

Well, there goes

the last four years of my life

down the drain.

-[woman] Hey, Claire.

-Hey.

Um, Dane wants

to see you in his office

-when you get a chance.

-Okay.

Are they from Jared?

I didn't see

who dropped them off.

[Dane] No, anytime.

Someone as beautiful as you

deserves every opportunity

they can get.

[woman 2] Oh, flattery

will get you everywhere.

Thank you so much, Dane.

-No, you're very welcome.

-[knocking on door]

So is this, um, a paying thing?

Hi, uh, you asked for me, but--

-[Dane] Yeah.

-I can--

[Dane] Yes, come in.

No, no. Come in.

-Am I interrupting?

-[Dane] No, no, no.

-Come on in.

-'Cause I can come back.

[Dane] It's all right, Claire.

Come on in.

Okay.

Well, thank you for coming in.

Wonderful.

-Have a wonderful day.

-Thank you, Dane. [chuckles]

-[Claire clears throat] Does--

-Hello, Claire.

Hi. Does she work here?

You look fantastic

in that blouse.

[Claire] And there it is.

-Thank you.

-So, Claire.

Uh, I've asked you

here today to--

to make sure

that everything's okay.

-Yeah, fine.

-I--

I heard about

what happened at your wedding

and your energy levels

aren't quite the same

here at the office.

Right. Oh, gosh. Um.

I'm sorry, I've been trying

to leave my personal life

-at home...

-[phone buzzing]

...but I apologize

if you feel that I, um--

[phone buzzing]

Well, it's just

you're usually so energetic

and-- and you're always

coming to me with great ideas.

Mm-hmm.

I just haven't seen

that from you lately.

-[phone buzzing]

-I--

I want you to be happy here.

But it is a business

and we do need to keep

things running smoothly.

I'd be happy

to offer you some time off

if you feel

that's what you really need.

No, uh, that's--

that's not necessary at all.

I promise you, the old me

is on a verge of a comeback.

She's right around the corner.

Well, just remember

that I'm here

if you need to talk...

[phone buzzing]

...about anything.

-Thank you.

-Thank you, Dane,

you misogynistic, sexist,

patriarchal, condescending f*ck.

So, the getting

shit-faced plan backfired.

And I felt even worse.

Work was a nightmare and my boss

was a full-on Weinstein.

So, I took him up

on the offer of time off

and I did the other thing

all girls do

when they're suffering

from a broken heart.

I turned to sweatpants,

Netflix, and ice cream.

I watched all six seasons

of Game of Thrones,

three seasons of The Crown,

Breaking Bad

from start to finish,

Billions and that zombie show

where Jeffrey Dean Morgan

smashes people's heads

in with a bat.

But it really

didn't distract me.

I felt emotionally decimated.

I am tomorrow

marrying the love of my life.

["Sensual" by TVA playing]

And I could not be--

If-- I'm sorry.

I honestly feel like

the luckiest guy on Earth.

Oh, honey.

-Hmm.

-I love you, baby.

[phone ringing]

Look, the other side of me

I think I need saving.

[Tiffany] Ew, I can smell you

through the phone, dude.

Take a shower

and meet me at the spa.

[water trickling]

[Claire] Tiffany was right.

It was exactly what I needed.

Just peace and relaxation,

girl time,

my mind completely

and entirely off men.

If they've got a d*ck,

they're gonna cheat.

-[Claire] Or not.

-Newsflash.

All men cheat.

Oh, my God. Is she right?

Can I get you

a smoothie or something?

No. Why?

[gasps] Is that a new Birkin?

Oui, signor. A bitch, a Birkin.

[Claire] Poor Tiffany.

She had to fill the void

in her heart with handbags.

She said she wouldn't leave him

because she thought

it was useless.

She said the next guy

would cheat too.

And the one after that,

and the one after that.

How many women have cried

over a broken heart?

How many women have given men

their everything

only to be turned in

for 2.0 and then a 3.0?

Why was this

the de facto status quo?

I felt myself

getting really angry.

I wanted to get even.

Not just with Jared...

but with the entire gender.

Bitch, I'm gonna need

to borrow some clothes.

Hello? Can we cue the

predictable "girl has a makeover

and regains her self-esteem"

montage, please?

Thank you.

["I Don't Want It At All"

by Kim Petras playing]

Ooh

I want someone else

to buy 'em

Yeah

If I cannot get it right now

Now

I don't want it

I don't want it at all

I don't want it,

I don't want it at all

Give me all

of your attention

Ooh

Give me summer

in the Hamptons

Yeah

If I cannot get it right now

Now

I don't want it,

I don't want it at all

I don't want it,

I don't want it at all

I want a little bit

of this and that

I take a sip of this

and a hit of that

I'ma have everything

on the rack

I was out for blood.

Like, crazy amounts

of man blood.

Like the opening scene

in Blade,

like the elevator scene

in The Shining,

like the party scene

in Piranha 3D,

like the lawnmower scene

in Dead Alive

when Timothy Balme's character

mows through a house

full of zombies.

I'm talking Hostel,

not one, but two.

Yeah. You know the scene.

I'm like Marybeth swinging

a chainsaw in Hatchet III.

And for any truly discerning

horror movie buffs,

I'm talking about

the triple k*ll scene

in Midnight Meat Train.

So, yeah, you get the point.

When William Congreve said,

"Hell hath no fury

like a woman scorned..."

he was talking about me.

I want someone else

to buy 'em

Yeah

My hypothesis is that men have

two primary goals in life,

success and sex.

And not in that order.

Ladies, did you know

that there are books, blogs,

magazines, websites,

and even membership clubs

devoted to what men call

"game" AKA infidelity?

Or simply manipulating

unsuspecting women

into casual sex encounters?

Don't believe me?

JFGI, Just f*cking Google It .

Ever heard of

Seeking Arrangements?

What kind of

f*cking arrangements

do you think they're seeking?

It was time for some disruptive

innovation in the "game."

I was the newest player,

but I wasn't getting

in the game to meet men.

I was getting

in the game to lead women.

My aim: to expose men's tactics.

Serial Daters Anonymous.

What's anonymous about it?

The man's identity.

Me? I'm the serial dater.

The rules of engagement.

Number one, no sex.

Number two, no second dates.

Number three, no make outs.

Number four, no feelings.

And number five, no mercy.

["Heart to Break"

by Kim Petras playing]

Heart to break

I read online that coffee shops

are a great pickup place.

So here I was, sitting pretty.

I'd been here

nearly an hour and no bites.

I just had to be patient.

Eventually, something

would swim into the net.

Now, that looks promising.

Incoming in five, four,

three, two--

Hi, I'm Matt.

Mind if I sit by you?

-[Claire] Bingo.

-Not at all.

He swam right into the net.

-What are you drinking?

-Coffee.

Obviously.

My name's Claire, by the way.

From the get go,

this guy's singular agenda

was to get me into the sack.

His method, compliments,

an endless drivel

of disingenuous admiration.

Girls, don't be

fooled by flattery.

It's every womanizer's

tool of the trade.

How many of us have girlfriends

who have whined

about the guy that said,

"I was pretty and smart.

I don't know why

he never called me again."

Because you were

simply a conquest.

I wanna buy you everything

you could possibly want.

-[Claire chuckles]

-[Matt] My bank account

is screaming

in horror right now.

-[Claire laughing]

-[Matt exclaims]

That's very romantic.

And wildly condescending.

[Matt]

Well, you are very beautiful

and you seem like

a great person.

Really?

I seem like a great person?

What have you learned

about me so far, Matt?

I'd like to learn more

about you at dinner tonight.

Okay.

Rumpus Room, 7:00 p.m. sharp.

When it comes to women,

the only thing men care about

initially is aesthetics.

Have you ever sat

at dinner with your boyfriend

and watched him forget

what he was talking about

and go slack-jawed

at some catnip

in a miniskirt

crossing the restaurant?

Mm-hmm. Men love miniskirts.

It's their kryptonite.

I could walk

into the restaurant tonight

in baggy jeans, no makeup,

these glasses and an old t-shirt

and I guarantee the guy would

bail before I even took a seat.

For the purpose

of today's experiment,

I'm going to play le catnip

and expose this "charmer"

for the player

that he really is.

The armory.

Ladies, if you wanna lure a man

like moths to a flame,

you're gonna need

some essentials.

Miniskirts, lashes,

a bucket of makeup

to obscure your natural beauty,

and finally,

a pair of k*ller stilettos.

["Love is a Drug"

by Elliott Kozel playing]

You know

that I want to fight

And you know

that you're on my mind

I may have looked confident,

but I'm sweating b*ll*ts.

The dress was scratchy as hell

and the heels

were already k*lling me,

but I was on a mission.

...I haven't had yet

-Well, hello there.

-Hi.

Wow, you look beautiful.

Uh-huh.

-Thank you.

-Mm.

Creepy.

So, is this guy going to speak?

[groans]

This is getting really awkward.

Can I get you guys

something to drink?

-Yeah.

-Okay, Claire.

Order like a boss.

I'll have a scotch, straight up,

water on the back, please.

Your move, muchacho.

-I'll take the same.

-[sighs] Total beta.

So...

tell me about yourself.

[Matt] Okay.

Uh, well, I play drums in a band

with a couple guys

from around here.

It's kinda my passion, I guess.

-[Matt imitates drums]

-Cool.

What's your band's name?

I don't think I'll tell you that

without knowing more about you

because I don't know

your name yet.

You haven't told me your name.

Why should I tell you

my band's name?

I told him my name

at the coffee shop.

-Is your band name lame?

-[Matt sighs]

[laughing]

Is it a work in progress?

It's okay

if you don't wanna tell me.

Are we gonna sit here

and withhold information

from each other

or are you gonna

tell me your name?

Playtime.

Let's say my name was Susie.

Would knowing my name's Susie

give you some kind of

satisfaction like,

"Ooh, this a Susie.

I've never had sex

with a Susie before.

This is hot," kind of thing?

-You sound really bitter, Susie.

-[Claire laughing]

Boy, he had no idea.

Thank you.

Uh, so what was that

at the coffee shop earlier?

What do you mean?

Well, you're not like

anyone I've ever met before.

You're-- It's just something

different about you.

-[Claire] Not buying it.

-Really?

What's different about me?

Wow.

He literally had no idea.

Dude, just make something up.

Usually, I can tell what's

going on in a person's head,

but with you,

I have absolutely no idea.

[chuckles] Cheers.

Time to up the ante.

Why don't you describe

the perfect woman?

[Matt laughing]

Wow.

Uh, pressure on the first date.

[Claire] Not really.

Okay. Well, she'll be ambitious.

-[Claire] Mm-hmm.

-She'll love kids.

-[Claire] Mm-hmm.

-She has to love kids.

And, you know, damnedest thing,

she looks just like you.

-[chuckling] What a coincidence.

-[Matt] Mm-hmm.

So, she'd have a great career,

but she'd also be

a great housewife, right?

-Yeah.

-[laughing]

That's one of the better things

I've heard today.

Is there something

funny about that?

-No.

-[both laughing]

Clearly a feminist.

No, I'm sorry.

Uh, I interrupted you.

-Please go on.

-[Matt] Okay.

There's a lot more

I'd like to know about you.

Well, what would you like

to know about me?

[chuckles] Well,

obviously, you're gorgeous.

I-- I know this. I can see it

and everyone can see it,

but from the moment

I saw you at the coffee shop,

I was, like,

blinded by your beauty.

It's so interesting.

It's funny

the efforts guys will go to

to say nice things to girls

just to get

what they want from them.

I think

you're missing the points.

Uh, okay, fine.

But if I wanted something

just physical from you,

I would've approached you

in a totally different way.

[Claire] Ladies, this is a CPM,

Classic Player Move.

Strategically designed to infer

he wants more than your hoo-ha.

How would you have

approached me?

What do you mean?

Well, if you were just looking

for something physical.

Well, um,

I wouldn't have kept insisting

to get to know things about you.

Well, isn't knowing

things about women

just an angle guys use?

I mean,

every new thing you learn

is just another piece

of amm*nit*on you use

to get what you want, right?

Okay. [clears throat]

What are you looking for out of

your relationships with people?

Well, actually, no,

here is a better one.

What are you looking for

out of life?

[chuckles] Angles.

-You are looking to get angles?

-No.

You asking me that

was just another angle

to get inside my head.

-Would you deny that?

-No.

-I will not deny that.

-[both laughs]

[Claire] His archetype

was classic flirt.

Girls,

compliments are tool menus

to systematically dismantle

your skepticism

in order to get laid.

Don't be fooled. He seems nice.

But this guy's

a total grade A player.

Trying your hardest to make me

sound really bad, aren't you?

No. I don't need to try.

Okay. That was a little mean.

Just kidding.

I think you're actually

a really nice guy.

Nice guy?

Yeah. Really nice guy.

-Nice guy.

-[Matt] Really nice guy.

[Claire] AKA friendzone.

It was like firing

a military grade crossbow

into a party balloon.

f*ck!

Did I leave my curling iron on?

["Wanderlust"

by Paperwhite playing]

Taken by wanderlust

Oh, oh

So, as I maxed out

my credit cards,

I had to move out of the motel.

There was still no way

I was moving in with my parents.

So, I crashed

at my friend Michelle's.

So, I got flowers

at the office today.

Were they from Jared?

I don't know, but they came

with a note which said,

"Please give me another chance."

Oh, my God. He just needs

to give you some space.

Do you ever think

about getting married?

[Michelle laughs] No.

I have no idea

how to allow a man

to stay with me

past three months.

You know, I have,

like, a three month rule.

I noticed. [chuckles]

You think you're gonna start

dating again anytime soon?

Are you crazy?

Invest my life into a guy

just so that I can get

screwed over again

or traded in for a younger model

down the line?

See? Now you sound

like a cynic like me.

You know, life is better

when you're spending it

with someone new, no?

[Claire] I couldn't tell

Michelle about the blog

because she's one

of those judgy friends

that always admonishes you

for doing anything fun

or anything

she doesn't agree with.

And this,

she would not agree with.

A toast.

Here's to the men we love.

Here's to the men who love us.

f*ck the men, here's to us.

-[Claire laughing]

-Cheers.

[Claire] Anyone who spent time

working in an office

is familiar with the cast

of office stereotypes

that seem to exist in

every office across the world.

There's the delegator,

the creeper,

the hypochondriac,

the OCD, the egomaniac,

stress case, the chatterbox,

the slacker, the overachiever,

and the girl

who's always eating.

Well, Greg was

the office sex addict.

Oh, good morning, Greg.

Hey.

-How have you been doing lately?

-Fine.

Uh, well, no, not really.

Ashley left me.

Oh, Greg.

I am so sorry to hear that.

Poor Greg. I felt for him.

It wasn't his fault

he was a raging nookie monster.

Sex addiction is a real crisis

for a growing number

of men in America,

as Greg like to remind us.

I mean, we all knew

he watched hardcore porn

in his office desktop,

but again, who's judging?

I'm having trouble sleeping.

I actually just went

through a breakup, too.

Oh.

[Claire] The thing with Greg

was that his sex addiction

was all he could think about.

Sometimes, it distracted him

to the point

where you could see him

visibly leave the conversation

and think about sex.

How have you been

handling your breakup?

[Claire] Sometimes,

it distracted him to the point

where he just became

plain selfish

and he really wasn't interested

in hearing about

anyone else's problems.

Oh, I have this free feeling

that I have right now, but--

[Claire]

And that's a wrap on Greg.

[barista] All right, you want--

you want a cream or a sugar or--

I don't want any of that stuff.

Just--

[barista] No. Oh, sure?

Is that good for you?

[Claire]

Girls, we got a live one.

My friend's coming in.

Just put it on his tab.

[Claire] Taking the bait.

Hook, line and sinker.

Is this seat taken?

Feel free to occupy.

The f*ck! Did he just do that?

My name's Mick.

You look like a Mick.

Hey, what's that

supposed to mean?

[chuckling] I don't know.

You just look like a Mick.

Okay.

All right.

Well, Micks are known

for their ruggedness

and, uh-- Or, uh, um...

sex.

How's it going, guys?

Good.

This must be her pickup place.

See you met the woman

with no name.

-Oh, this is her?

-[Matt] Yeah.

-[Mick laughing]

-Oh, my God.

You guys know each other.

-[Mick laughing]

-Mick is the singer in my band.

-Really?

-Mm-hmm.

How cute.

You know,

Matt here wouldn't tell me

the name

of your band last night.

We're called the Knightingales.

With a K.

Cool.

She was just talking

to some other dude yesterday

and it went down

exactly the same way.

I didn't tell you the name

because you wouldn't tell

me yours.

Actually, that's not true.

I told him my name when we met.

Just, he chose

to kinda ignore it.

I'll be just fine

with not knowing your name.

Anonymity could be

a real turn on.

-Really?

-You're a d*ck, Mick.

Look, I came here

hoping to see you again

and ask you out on another date.

I can see maybe bringing

my friend was a big mistake.

Look, Matt, I'm sorry,

I'm just not interested

in second dates right now.

But you're interested

in first dates?

Absolutely.

-Uh-huh.

-Okay, fine.

Good luck, Mick. I'm outta here.

Dude, I still need

a ride. [laughing]

-Bye, Matt.

-Matt!

[Claire] Mick AKA The d*ck.

This guy fancied himself

a pickup artist.

PUA are members

of the seduction community.

A misogynistic modern movement,

which exists purely

to educate men

on how to pick up women

and successfully bed them

the same night.

PUA are obsessed

with pursuing va-jay-jay

and place the end

before all others.

Sleeping around may be

your biological imperative,

but Erik von Markovik,

you are not my friend.

Let's see

how your technique really works.

[phone ringing]

[Mick] Is that your phone?

-That's the restaurant phone.

-[Mick chuckling]

-Right.

-[Claire] Right.

So, did you and Matt

get everything sorted out?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I mean, he's jealous,

but it'll be fine.

Oh, he is? That's cute.

Uh, so you don't mind

kinda him pissing him off

to go on a date with me?

Oh, no. I live for the moment.

You know,

I-- I go after whatever I can.

Whenever an opportunity

presents itself.

You don't wanna look back

when you're a geezer

and think

you should have done more.

-Right. Yeah.

-Yeah.

-So...

-Totally.

...um, what kind of opportunity

is-- is-- is this?

Am I an opportunity?

-Right.

-Yeah?

-So did, uh--

-Sounds pragmatic.

This fear of second dates,

what-- Uh, what's up with that?

Um, you know,

I just don't really feel

like letting anybody get

to know me too well right now.

-I'm just sort of--

-Yeah, that's admirable.

I mean, people can get really

ugly if you know 'em too well.

Or you can think

that you know them

and then find out years later

that you didn't know them

at all, right?

I don't know

if that really happens.

Um, yeah,

I found it does happen.

So, did you and Matt have,

like, a one night stand or what?

Ooh! Direct.

Um... [clears throat]

Just a question.

He, uh, didn't--

uh, didn't Matt tell you?

No, he wouldn't say.

I have taken a vow of celibacy

for the time being, Mick.

Oh, cool. Yeah. Yeah. I, uh...

I took a class on that.

On celibacy.

-[Claire] Mm-hmm.

-Um, it's like constellations.

Stars and shit like that.

That is exactly

what celibacy is.

Except not.

It means that I'm abstaining

from sex at all.

-[both laughing]

-Yeah. Seriously?

-It's a joke, right?

-No, I'm completely serious.

I am not having

sex with you tonight.

-Wait, that's a real thing?

-[Claire] That's a real thing.

Yep. People do that.

Well, now

we're gonna have to see

if we can do

something about that.

Ooh. Ha-ha. Woo.

Forward, aren't you? Woo.

Uh, you are-- you are a very

nice and fun, fun, smart guy.

-Yeah.

-Very smart.

Um, but this is not

going to get physical tonight

or probably ever.

[Mick sighs]

-Then, why are we here?

-What?

-What the-- Okay. Okay.

-Why are you here?

-You did not--

-You're only here to have sex?

Is this the only reason

that you're actually at dinner?

You told me that at the caf.

You don't even care

about the food, do you?

You told me that.

What is the point

of having one date with someone?

[Claire] Uh-huh.

Only getting to know them

on a superficial level,

not letting them touch you

and then never

seeing them again?

That-- that is

an excellent question.

What were you thinking?

That I was, like,

just gonna come on this one date

-and then have sex with you?

-Yes.

You really thought that I was

gonna come on one date with you

and then have sex with you?

-You said that.

-I did?

-At the caf.

-I said that?

-Yeah.

-I said-- What did I say?

You said, "Take me out

and let's have sex."

[Claire laughing] You're right.

Gosh, I just-- I don't know--

You at least--

you at least implied it.

I'm not paying for your dinner.

-Oh! Oh, no.

-Oh, no.

Oh, no.

He won't pay for my dinner.

Thank you. I'm a big girl.

I can pay for my own dinner.

In fact, you're probably the one

that can't pay for your dinner.

So what? What?

You're like a dating

vigilante, an outlaw?

You're like a--

you're like a witch.

You're like some--

What the f*ck are you?

You're wasting

my time right now.

Do you know

the meaning of vigilante?

-Just curious. I--

-You suck at this.

Whatever.

Thank you so much

for proving all my theories

about men to be 100% accurate.

Yes, sir.

I will have

a bottle of champagne.

Date number two, Mick.

He was literally

only interested in sex,

not even with me.

This is the kinda guy

that wants to nail tail

no matter who she is.

He's the type

that fires at random,

indiscriminate, aimless,

and haphazardly

going through life,

trying to have as much sex

with as many women as possible.

Ladies, you're not even

a person to this type of guy.

You're a notch on a bed post

whose name

he quite literally

does not need to know.

Unless you're

his female counterpart

and uber into one-night stands,

avoid this fucker at all costs.

[Claire sighs]

Finding guys at coffee shops was

proving tedious and inefficient.

I needed to increase my quotient

to establish

a more meaningful algorithm.

It was time

to download some dating apps

and start swiping

my way through these dates.

Step one, post a hot but

relatable and fun profile pic.

Find a decent photo of yourself,

then filter and Facetune it

within an inch of your life.

Oh, come on. We all know that

the social media version

of ourselves is

thinner, prettier, cooler,

and more glamorous

than our real selves.

I have friends I barely

recognize without their filters.

Next, the obligatory bikini pic.

Then a pic of myself

doing something athletic

and outdoorsy to prove

that I have varied interests.

Snapchat selfie.

Halloween pic

in a slutty outfit.

Silly pic to show I have a sense

of humor,

fun with friends pic eating cake

to show I'm social

and get along with others.

And finally, a random pic

of me holding up a rock.

"I'm cultured.

I go to cool museums. Like me."

Step two, bio.

Hm. Oh, please.

Guys, don't read bios.

Step three,

age range and location.

And we're off.

Nope. No way. Nada. Non, merci.

No, gracias. No, thanks.

Nope. Hmm.

Nope, sorry. No way.

Strange. Cute. Crazy. Creepy.

No. No way. Nope. No.

Hm. Bob, you look nice.

Let's start with you.

["Maybe Tonight"

by Scavenger Hunt playing]

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Hi, Claire.

-Bob?

-Whoa!

You look more beautiful

than your profile pics.

You don't look

anything like yours.

Must be the beard.

[Claire] No, Bob.

It's not the f*cking beard.

Well, I wasn't

gonna waste my blowout.

Might as well

give him a cha-- Wait.

What is that?

-Is that a wedding ring?

-Yep.

-Are you-- are you married?

-Yep.

[chuckles] Um, bye, Bob.

#Catfished.

I guess I shouldn't

have been surprised about

the alarming ratio

of married to non-married men

I had met so far.

I thought my hypothesis

about men was strong,

but so far it was

disappointingly 100% accurate.

You and me

Abs, abs, more abs, abs,

more abs and more abs.

Maybe tonight

we can dance 'til the dawn

Hands in the air,

oh, baby, come on

Tropical moonlight,

you and me

Oh, can you picture

my fantasy

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Lazy days and endless nights

[Claire] "We come as a pair."

Interesting.

Bike together,

swim together, ski together,

matching shirts,

triathlon together,

hike together,

eat ice cream together,

eat bananas together,

shave together.

That is one serious bromance.

Hm. Athletic and a dog lover.

-That's a match.

-Hey, Lyle.

He was tall, broad shouldered,

well-dressed and...

Oh, hey, Claire.

[Claire] ...carrying a dog

in a BabyBjrn.

Well, the dog was really cute,

so I went on the date anyway.

Lyle was really nice,

but he was looking

for a puppy mama.

It was officially

a date with a canine.

Tropical moonlights,

you and me

Oh, can you picture

my fantasy

Maybe tonight

we can dance 'til the dawn

Hands in the air,

oh, baby, come on

Tropical moonlights,

you and me

Oh, can you picture

my fantasy

Hm. Hm. Package deal.

While Binder had increased

my quotient tenfold,

it was all quantity,

not quality.

I had to get my hands

on some classier guys.

And what better place to start

than a fancy-schmanzy

art gallery.

[classical music playing]

Magnificent, isn't it?

[Claire] O-M-G. Schwing!

Yeah. It's really masterful.

Another place to find

classy guys is LinkedIn,

where I found my next subject.

-Hi.

-[Claire] Hi.

-How are you?

-Ah, great.

-It's great to meet you.

-Great to meet you as well.

-I, uh, love your outfit.

-Oh, thank you.

-[Claire laughing]

-It's very, uh, Darth Vader-y.

Uh, thank you very much.

Getting some, you know,

like, Cruella de Vil vibes.

[laughing] You're funny,

-Shall we?

-Yeah, why not?

Sit down, take your gloves off

and stay a while.

[Claire laughing]

So, you are a fan

of abstract impressionism?

Yeah. Uh, it's just

so surrealist

and I love the--

the brush strokes and...

This is a really

beautiful restaurant.

It's-- Uh, it is not easy

to get a reservation,

but I was able

to pull a few strings

for such charming company.

Oh, well, charmer. [laughing]

It's so creative and spontaneous

and impressionistic

and, um, abstract.

Let me show you my--

my new girl.

-Oh, wow.

-Yeah.

-That--

-It's AMG V8.

Just got it

custom made in Germany.

-She's really beautiful.

-She is.

-But, uh, she's, uh, no you.

-[Claire laughing]

That-- I love that gallery.

That gallery is amazing.

So inspiring.

So...

impressive.

And, um, beautiful and amazing.

Do you mind?

Your shoes.

They'll ruin the wood.

Oh. [chuckles]

So, I went, uh, ahead

and ordered us a bottle of wine

that I think you'll like a lot.

It'll pair very nicely

with your gnocchi.

Oh, thank you.

So what kind of, uh--

What kind of wine did you order?

-It is a, uh, 2016 Nickel's.

-Ooh.

It's a vineyard

in the south of France.

No, sir. That wine is from Napa.

A buttery chardonnay.

That looks yummy.

I can think

of something else yummy.

-Cheers.

-[Claire laughing]

So are you gonna wear

the gloves all night?

Yeah. Why not?

I mean,

Jackie O wore gloves inside,

Marilyn Monroe

wore gloves inside.

Maybe I could have

a martini, too?

For sure.

Help yourself.

[scoffing]

Okay.

I'm pretty sure

Bette Davis wore gloves inside.

I think that, uh, a lot

of the coolest women in history

wore gloves inside,

so I thought I was just, like,

gonna bring it back

a bit, you know.

Well, you are certainly

able to carry the torch.

Oh, you didn't make enough.

That's-- that's okay.

Cheers.

-Ready to order?

-Yeah, sure.

Um, may I please have

the citrus and chive gnocchi?

The lemon emulsion

shaved prosciutto

and the red... whatever that is.

Reggian-- Reggiano? Thank you.

Uh, and I will have

the red wine braised short ribs

with the roasted broccolini.

[laughing]

I, uh-- I love animals.

So do I, on my plate.

Okay. [chuckles]

I'm-- I'm a big meat eater.

Um--

-But I try to stay fit.

-Mm-hmm.

I'm always busy

with work and such, but...

[Claire] I skipped

the ride home in the AMG V8,

even though

it was custom made in Germany.

There's only so much show off

one girl can handle

in an evening.

And what the f*ck was

all that fuss about my gloves?

Wait. What? Holy shit!

5,000 followers?

Turns out Buzz News

had done a segment

on my serial dating

and people were catching on.

It was spreading like wildfire.

I was trending on Twitter.

It was blowing up.

I got over 10,000 followers

over the next two days.

Within a week, I had 50,000,

and 100,000 a week after that.

I was getting calls

from everyone I've ever known.

Apparently, women across America

were finding my serial dating

nightmares relatable.

Sure there were the trolls

and the haters,

but to hell with them,

they were mostly

pissed off dudes.

They're entitled

to their opinion

as much as the next girl.

So, Greg stopped by to update me

on his sex addiction anonymous

meeting the night before.

And then he asked me out.

I said yes, but I knew it was

a bad idea right out the gate.

But I could tell the guy

really needed the companionship.

So, I'm just--

I'm gonna get back to work.

-[both laughing]

-Okay.

[classical music playing]

Your daughter

is really adorable.

-She sure is.

-[Claire chuckles]

I used to dance

when I was little.

Why'd you stop?

Uh, I met someone.

I just decided I didn't

have time to dance anymore

'cause I wanted to spend

all of my time with him.

He was great. I mean,

he tried to encourage me

to keep dancing, but...

I just wanted to spend

every moment

of every day with him.

The truth is...

I cheated on him.

He was my first love.

And I left my second

standing at the altar

'cause he cheated on me.

Poetic justice, right?

None of us ever come out

of our first real relationship

as the same people.

Sometimes, I wonder

if people were to have

a relationship with someone

where they were

completely honest all the time,

even if they had a thought

about someone else,

if it wouldn't make it easier

for people to stay together.

So like, total honesty.

Like, a guy comes home

from work and he says,

"Hey, honey, I met this gorgeous

woman at the store today.

Do you mind

if I have sex with her?"

And she says, "Sure, honey.

Just so long as you're home

in time for dinner."

[laughing]

I-- I know it sounds crazy.

[Claire chuckles]

Tell me.

Could you ever see yourself

in a relationship

with anyone again?

[Claire] Okay.

So he did think it was a date.

My bad. I felt really crappy

for leading him on.

I navigated my way out

of a second date by explaining

I just wasn't ready for love

and wanted to stay friends.

And no one likes

letting people down,

which just led me to reflect

on what happened

with my first love, Kyle.

I let him down

and then he let me go.

Wondered where he was now,

what he did with his life.

I don't think

I ever really got over it.

["Galaxy" by Paperwhite playing]

Grab my hand, it's so steady

We are leaving here tonight

All at once,

we found each other

Piece by piece,

we built another world

Out of something small

So, remember

how I said Michelle was one

of those judgy friends

that likes to reprimand me

if she thinks

I'm doing something wrong?

Well, she had

finally seen the blog.

So, I saw your blog.

-Oh, yeah?

-Mm-hmm.

Cool. What do you think?

Uh, my best friend

leaves her fianc

then starts up

a man-hating blog?

I don't know what to think.

Oh, my God.

Are you mad at me?

It's just an experiment.

I'm just finding out about guys,

you know, dating, relationships.

-It's no big deal.

-No, I'm not mad at you.

It just sounds like you're gonna

hurt a lot of people.

Oh, come on. Hardly.

All I'm doing

is letting guys come on to me.

They take me out for one dinner

and then I come home

and I write about why I think

the relationship

wouldn't last down the line.

It's meant to be informative.

Don't you think

that sounds a little bleak?

No.

I think I'm writing

what's on the tip

of everybody's tongues.

It's not like I'm running around

sleeping with half the city.

Besides, I would've thought

that a serial dater,

man aficionado like you

would've found it entertaining.

Yeah. If it were anyone else

writing it, sure.

But it's you. And I know you.

And I know what

you've been going through.

And I just don't think

that it's a healthy way

-to deal with your problems.

-God.

It's just a blog, Michelle.

Geez.

[woman over intercom]

Hey, Claire.

Dane wants to see you

in his office.

Sure.

[Dane] I'm just gonna

get right down to it.

Greg came to me

late in the day yesterday

and informed me about

you writing about him

on some promiscuous blog

of yours

after you went out

on a date together.

Now, Claire,

I think you're great,

but you know the policy that

HR has about dating co-workers.

You broke the rule and took it a

step further

by writing about it.

I wasn't preying on him.

He's the one that

asked me out on a date,

and I'm the one that told him

that it was just friends.

Your blog made it very clear

that it's all

just a game to you.

But the blog was anonymous.

It doesn't even say

Greg's name on it.

Listen, Greg is

in a bad place right now,

and I can't have you preying

on him when he's in that state.

-I can't accept that.

-What the f*ck?

I'm not preying on him.

He's the one that asked me

out on a date, Dane.

I'm the one that told him,

"Yo, no,

I don't think so.

We're just gonna be friends."

And-- and by the way, what

about me? Like, what about me?

I'm-- I'm, like,

not in a great place either.

I mean, I'm the one that--

whose fianc,

like, cheated on me

with my own f*cking sister.

Claire, settle-- settle down.

You're fired.

I think that--

that this is a warning.

-That's what I think.

-The last time

-we sat down together...

-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

...that was your warning.

This is the more

serious warning.

Doesn't get any more serious

than you getting fired.

In that case,

then Greg is also getting fired.

[shouting] Greg, you're fired!

-Right? I mean...

-Claire.

...he went out on

a date with me, apparently.

I'm the one that's

saying it wasn't a date.

He's the one that's

saying it was a date.

-I really don't wanna--

-I'm the one that should keep

my job and he's the one

that should get fired.

It's not in my hands.

I'm not gonna tell HR

to break their rules.

-What you did is inappropriate.

-Inappropriate?

Okay, Dane, let's talk

about you having women models

come in here

every single day of the week.

Monday through Friday,

you have a different girl

sitting on your lap

in this office

with your door open

like you don't even give a shit.

That is inappropriate.

Does your fourth wife,

by the way,

know that you have models

come in here

and sit on your lap

during the day?

Claire, that's part of my job.

Are you-- are you

seriously firing me?

Yes. You gave me no choice.

I'm giving you a choice.

Here's your choice.

-It is not my choice.

-Fire me. Don't fire me.

You complaining about it is just

your frustration and anger--

Fire Claire. Don't fire Claire.

I don't know,

how about we go with

the "don't fire Claire option."

You're fired. Please leave.

Okay.

You know what I'm gonna go do?

Enlighten me, Claire.

I'm gonna go blog about you,

Dane.

I'm gonna let

the whole world know

what a total f*cking sleazebag

you are, Dane.

-Dane!

-Thank you, Claire.

-Dane.

-Thank you. That's enough.

I am gonna miss that ass.

But I've got it

right here in my phone.

Greg!

Dane just fired me.

I guess I was

just another tally for you.

You know, a lot more people

have seen your blog

than you probably think.

How could you ever judge

anyone after only one date?

[Claire] Are you kidding me?

I'm sorry.

I did, I blogged about you,

but it was anonymous.

And you weren't

just another number to me.

You were my friend.

I was trying to

protect you from myself.

I put myself out there for you,

and you stomped on me.

Oh, God.

["Let's Talk"

by Timecop1983 playing]

Let's just dance

You and I can dance

Let's just dance

-[man barking]

-[Michelle] Like a chihuahua.

-[man barks]

-Like a mean chihuahua.

-[Michelle] Yeah. Yeah.

-[man] You gonna do this?

Yeah, why not?

[Claire] I knew

I should've walked away,

but I just couldn't help myself.

She had a police officer hogtied

-and barking like a chihuahua.

-"I'm sorry."

[Claire] What's that old saying?

Curiosity k*lled the cat.

Claire!

What are you doing here?

[Claire] I didn't even know

Michelle was into BDSM.

How had we been friends

for over a decade

and that little nugget

had never popped up?

I have to say, she did look

crazy hot in that bondage suit.

...and I'm sorry,

but I can't be a part

of your train wreck anymore.

[Claire] I hadn't realized

until this moment

how selfish I'd been.

She was totally right.

I'd been mooching off her

and invading her privacy

for too long.

And that's when it hit me:

I'd officially become

the office train wreck.

I'm sorry, I'm gonna

have to ask you to find...

some other place to live.

Okay.

I'll go get my things.

["Galaxy" by Paperwhite playing]

All at once,

we found each other

Piece by piece,

we built another world

Out of something small

One by one,

the stars collided

Two and two, we both unite

It's ours

Take me far away

to our galaxy

Come, come,

come away with me

To our galaxy

Come, come, come away

with me

To our galaxy

Come, come,

come away with me

To our galaxy

Come, come,

come away with me...

[Claire]

It was finally happening.

I was a grown adult,

and I was moving back in

with my parents.

I felt like such a loser.

-[Claire's mom] Claire!

-Hi, Mom.

[Claire's mom] Here.

-It's a screwdriver.

-[Claire chuckles]

[gasps] Oh.

-[Claire clears throat]

-[chuckles]

It's strong. [chuckles]

I'm a little embarrassed

to say that

that drink helped me

through some pretty hard times.

Back when your father...

-when your dad--

-Cheated on you.

How did you do it?

How did you stay with him

knowing that he'd found

another woman attractive

and then slept with her

while you were married to him?

Well, when we got married,

I made a promise

to love him unconditionally.

And though it took some time,

I could tell he realized

he'd made an awful mistake,

and he really was sorry.

[Claire]

And there it was, the sting.

I was 14

when dad cheated on Mom.

But even after all this time,

it still filled me

with inexplicable sadness.

[Claire's mom]

But I'm glad you're here now.

You just sit and relax,

enjoy your drink.

Your dad's got some things

in your old room,

but I can get those cleared out

pretty fast, okay?

We'll take care of you.

-Thanks, Mom.

-Sure, sweetie.

["Keep Me a Secret"

by TVA playing]

You make me feel electric

You supercharge me

I can't just be

around you...

[Claire] Returning home

as an adult means

revisiting memories

of your youth.

Old clothes, old furniture.

Tokens and artifacts left over

from your previous life.

Items you thought lost

or forgot even existed.

Seeing the life you left behind.

For better or for worse.

With Kyle, I somehow felt

he was for the worse.

A first love.

The kind that stays

in your heart for a lifetime.

Always knew

I could love a liar

You are the star...

So Grace hasn't talked

to us since your wedding.

Well, what do you plan on

doing with yourself?

Your mother and I

would like some assurance

that you'll be okay.

Um... well, I started a blog.

It's catching on pretty well.

A blog?

Yeah. You know,

it's like one of those websites

where you write posts

about stuff.

Oh. And what do you

write on the blog?

Um, you know, dating

and relationships and...

Hmm.

[sighs] Could you guys just not

tell anybody that I got fired?

I don't-- I don't really want

anybody else to know.

Especially not Michelle.

I don't want her

feeling any more guilty

about kicking me out.

Of course, honey. We understand.

Sure.

-Sure.

-Thanks.

Charged, in our silence

we don't look down...

You okay?

[sighs] I guess.

Always knew

I could love a liar

[Claire]

They were being supportive,

but I could see the

disappointment in their eyes.

In this blackout sky

Fiona and I had been

friends since first grade.

We grew up on the same street.

We learned to

ride bikes together.

Fast forward a couple decades,

and here we were.

Fiona's husband had left her

almost a year before

for a 19-year-old

Instagram model,

and she just hadn't recovered.

She was a single mom

with three girls

and an at-home accountancy firm.

She was exhausted all the time

and had lost her belief in love.

What are you guys drawing?

[girl]

It's a knight in shining armor.

-Oh, cute.

-I drew me a Cinderella,

-and that's my prince.

-I...

[Claire] What kind of

godmother would I be

if I didn't try to warn them

and saddle them up for battle?

Guys, I'm sorry, but it's time

for a reality check, okay?

There is no such thing...

as Prince Charming, and there's

no such thing

as knights in shining armor.

Okay?

There is only mean, nasty,

horrible boys, okay?

Don't grow up with

hopes of, you know,

anyone ever loving you,

'cause that's just not

the way the world works.

I'm telling you this

'cause I don't want you to...

[sighs]

...be delusional like I was,

and have silly fairytale

fantasies of love and marriage

and Prince Charmings

and knights in shining armor.

Boys are mean.

Say after me. "Boys are mean."

[all] Boys are mean.

Perfect. "Boys are mean."

[all] Boys are mean!

Boys are mean!

[all] Boys are mean!

-Boys are mean!

-[all] Boys are mean!

[laughs] Boys are mean!

-[all] Boys are mean!

-[Claire laughing]

Oh, and by the way,

-Santa Claus does not exist.

-What?

[Claire] So Fiona

was furious with me,

but frankly, I think it's

better to tell kids the truth

than make them suffer

with reeling in

insurmountable disappointment

in their teens and adulthood.

Now those girls have healthy

and sensible expectations.

I-- I really think

I did the right thing.

["Only Us"

by Paperwhite playing]

I was serial dating by night

and sleeping in all day.

I'm not saying it was healthy,

but it's really all I had to do.

[phone ringing]

I've been living too fast,

end up sleeping too late

And patience

is wearing off on me

Hello? [grunts]

[Donald over phone]

Hello, is this Claire?

[Claire] Yes, it is.

This is Donald Taylor

from Community Weekly.

We've been following your blog a

little bit, and I'd like to know

if you'd be interested in

us doing a story on you.

Is this a bad time?

No, no, this is a great time.

Uh, yeah.

Uh, I would, uh, think

that the story sounds great.

Um, what kind of questions

would you be asking?

Well, I'd like to

interview you personally,

and that'd make a large part of

what's gonna be in the article.

Uh, okay. Uh, great.

When would you--

when would you wanna meet?

[Donald] Are you free today?

Um...

yeah.

Uh, yeah.

How about, uh, after six?

[Donald] Great.

The Zen Den at seven?

-Sound good?

-Okay, great. Sounds great.

Oh, and I hope you don't

count this meeting as a date.

[laughing] Strictly business.

I promise.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

[squealing]

But if we're starting over,

I won't listen again...

Got her a bunch of cute stuff

in that little store on Water.

You know the one.

Yeah.

Like, on Water on Sixth Street?

-Yeah. Like a dress. And, um--

-[man] Excuse me, miss.

And maybe

the sound of your heart...

I gotta go. I'll call you back.

[man] Ah, here you go.

I-- Are these for me?

Sure are.

Are you the delivery guy?

Who are they from?

Uh,

I honestly can't tell you that.

How did he know

that I would be right here?

He just said you'd be here.

Hmm.

Is his name Jared?

I can't tell you that.

You know what?

You should keep the flowers.

Give them to somebody you love.

-You sure?

-I'm sure.

They're beautiful, though.

Thank you so much.

Okay.

Jared?

Are you home?

I'm coming over.

Wow. You look beautiful.

Have you been

sending me flowers?

Uh, no.

Hmm.

Are you sure?

Because if you have,

it has to stop.

Honestly, I haven't. I--

[sighs] I took the whole

"leave me alone" thing

-pretty seriously.

-Well, it's just weird

because I've been

getting a lot of flowers,

and the first bouquet

came with a note

which said,

"Please give me another chance."

I don't know.

Maybe that was Kyle.

Maybe he heard we broke up

and wants to,

uh, "reconnect" or something.

Yeah, right.

Hey, I read your blog.

Pretty angsty stuff there.

Look, I gotta go.

I gotta go get ready for--

Claire, please,

just give me one more chance.

I swear to you,

I will never hurt you again.

I will make you

the happiest girl, I promise.

I gotta go.

By the way, I like what

you've done with the place.

I guess I started the blog

as a way to vent,

but also as a way to test

whether some of my suspicions

about dating were true.

If you were a psychologist,

you might say I do it

to distract myself

from confronting my own issues.

But... I think

it's more than that.

You think you're

hurting the people

-you go on these dates with?

-[laughing] Why?

Are you gonna be

interviewing them too?

No, I don't think so.

I'm very upfront with them.

I tell them that

I only go on one date

and that I've

taken a vow of celibacy.

And...

so-- sometimes

they try to convince me

to break those rules,

but usually that just reinforces

my hypothesis about dating.

Some men have called

your writing "male bashing."

-Hmm.

-What do you think?

I think the men have

their problems with women,

and women have

their problems with men.

Being a woman,

I choose to write about topics

which relate to my own gender.

Have you met anyone

who's made you wanna

go on a date with him again,

but you haven't

because of your rules?

You know, I-- I guess I've met

a few people that I might've

dated when I was younger.

You know,

when you just date to date.

But no, I haven't--

I haven't really

met anyone that...

I've connected with on

a real or meaningful level.

What would you do

if you met someone

who you did feel

a connection with?

-[chuckles] Run.

-[laughs]

So you think that

the feeling two people get

when they fall in love

is a temporary illusion?

I-- I think that love...

is a unique kind of disease.

You know, it overcomes people.

And they like it 'cause

it distracts them from reality.

And it's a mutual distraction.

But whether slowly or quickly,

the real world starts to

creep back into people's minds

and the disease

begins to run its course.

Some people will cling on

to the relationship

and to the memories

because they're desperate

to try and maintain

or reinvigorate that feeling

that they had

when they were first in love.

And then other people will wanna

get out of the relationship,

and frequently they do so by...

[sighs] ...acting terribly

towards the people

that they love

to drive them away.

Then you have

that third group of people

who stay in the relationship

despite the fact

that they're no longer in love

because they're terrified

of being alone.

The result is always the same.

The disease

always runs its course.

Sadly, it's inevitable.

It's just a fact of life.

I noticed that you're married.

Do you mind me asking

if you personally agree

or disagree with my philosophy?

I've been happily married

for 16 years.

Yes, some of the excitement

wears off,

but I think

navigating through life

with someone

can be very rewarding.

And I don't think

we're still married

because we're clinging

to old memories.

We continue

to make great new ones.

Well, forgive me,

but one could argue

that your new memories

are events

which just distract you

from your monotony.

And that your efforts

are in fact attempts

to just recreate

the feeling you had

when the relationship was new.

Personally,

I don't see a problem

with continuing to

keep a relationship

feeling new constantly.

But back to you.

What do you think will happen

now that you're going to have

a public reputation

for sexless one night stands?

You used the word "sexless."

Is your implication

that now people will know

I'm not having sex that they

won't wanna date me anymore?

It's a loaded question.

Well,

it was a loaded implication.

I think plenty of men

would like to shake you

from your one-date rule, but...

I'm not sure all men

would do that for every woman.

I don't know.

I never intended for it to start

blowing up the way that it is.

It was really

just an outlet for me.

And I'm not condoning

my lifestyle for anybody else.

I'm just writing what I believe

are honest words about dating.

I don't think all men are

looking for sex on a first date.

That being said,

you can't overlook the truth

that most initial attractions

come from physicality.

[chuckling] Touch.

So this article you're writing,

are you gonna paint

a nasty portrait of me?

One's portrait is never finished

until they die.

You still have a long time

to finish the painting.

The article

will be up by the weekend.

I look forward to reading it.

[typing]

-Claire.

-Hey, Mom.

Claire,

I read that article about you.

Oh, yeah,

that was a really fun interview.

Frankly, honey,

it makes you look like a slut.

Mom!

[gasps] Are you kidding me?

Did you even read the article?

I've taken a vow of celibacy.

It's, like,

the opposite of being a slut.

But the things you write about

don't make it look that way.

Oh, if your dad reads that,

-if he hears about--

-He will what, Mom?

You don't have to

worry about it.

I've already started

looking for apartments.

And I might even have a job

at that paper soon.

So I'll be on my feet

and outta your hair in no time.

We didn't raise you

to be like this.

You were a good girl.

What happened?

Do you really need to

ask me that?

You were there.

Mom...

you gotta stop walking around

acting like bad things

never happen.

They do.

However, if you're looking for

someone to worry about,

maybe you should focus

on your other daughter.

[typing]

[sighs]

They say be careful

what you wish for.

Well, I was starting to wish

I had never started the blog.

It had taken over my life.

I just needed to get

some space from it all.

But people were starting to

recognize me everywhere I went.

It was getting exhausting.

[man] Claire?

-What?

-Are you Claire from that video?

What video?

You look just like the girl

in the Nightingales' new video.

-Is that you?

-No, no.

It definitely is you.

You write that blog.

-Can I go out with you?

-No. Definitely not, no.

What? Are you gonna run

next to me the whole time?

I'm thinking about it.

That witch, insane bitch

Can't decide

when I open my eyes...

No way.

Is she just cruel

or having fun?

If I f*cked her,

she'd have the devil's son

Got away with

Hmm.

[phone chimes]

Who is this?

Doh! What do you want?

-[phone ringing]

-Oh, God.

[clears throat] Wow.

This is quite a surprise.

Long time, no speak.

[Kyle over phone] Hey, Claire.

You're not the crazy who's been

sending me flowers, are you?

[Kyle] If I said yes,

would it give me

a date with you?

Um, no.

[Kyle] I've read your blog.

It's a really creative way

to get over someone.

Thanks.

Why are you calling?

[Kyle] I just wanna

go on a date with you.

I-- I know

you have all these rules.

Read about it in your blog,

and I think that's just fine.

I think we should catch up.

Well, maybe

I don't feel like catching up.

[Kyle] All right. Call me back

when you change your mind.

Okay. But you might be waiting

an awfully long time.

[Kyle] I'll wait forever.

["Let's Talk" by FM-84 playing]

[Claire] I was

such a sentimental fool.

I'd kept the CD

he gave me in my glove box

since the day we broke up.

[chuckles]

Tells you how old my car is.

So let's talk

Talk all night long

But this time

[gasping] f*ck!

-Really?

-You creeped me out. I'm sorry.

That also felt good

for other reasons.

You look hideous.

I'm suddenly reminded

why we haven't spoken.

Oh. Well, I've never

needed to be reminded why.

Oh, so you can pinpoint

a singular reason

why we didn't work out?

Why did you wanna see me?

I left Jessica.

Oh, so you figured you'd just

find comfort in your ex, huh?

Pretty much.

Read that story about you,

realized I missed your awful

personality and ugly face.

-[Claire chuckles]

-And I just had to see you.

You're lucky

I'm letting you see me at all.

I never got over you, Claire.

So, um, I've been receiving

mysterious flowers.

Were they from you?

I never gave you flowers

when we were together.

I know you didn't like them.

Why would I get started now?

Hmm. Good point.

I just figured I'd ask.

So is--

is this gonna make the blog?

Ah, it's getting chilly

out here, isn't it?

[laughs] I see

you still don't answer questions

you don't feel like answering.

What is this?

It's nostalgic. You like it?

You know, I have

a "one date, no sex" rule.

I have read all about it,

and I think it's admirable.

The "no sex" part.

Come on, let's go

somewhere without lake effect.

["Wildfire"

by Scavenger Hunt playing]

Boys like you

and girls like me

"We fight the dawn"

is what you said to me

Boys like you

and girls like me

How can you know

just how it felt to be

Boys like you

and girls like me

And when you held my hand

Electricity was raining down

Can you hear that sound?

Light a match,

we're burning up this town

And if I close my eyes

I can taste it,

can't erase it

Some things

aren't meant to last forever

Some hearts, they burn

like a wildfire, wildfire

Keep pushing,

I can set you free

Some things,

you can't release

Burning, burning

Like a wildfire, wildfire

We live forever

in my fantasy

Boys like you

and girls like me

Can't find the words,

and I can't escape it

Boys like you...

[Kyle] Claire!

-What was that in there?

-What?

You tried to kiss me.

Why did we break up?

You were there.

I-- I cheated on you.

No, no, no.

I mean, why didn't we work out?

I don't know.

Maybe we were just too young.

You found someone else,

so I found someone else.

But I never stopped

thinking about you.

Kyle.

Some hearts, they burn

Like a wildfire, wildfire

Keep pushing,

I can set it free

Some things,

you can't release, burning...

I can't do this. You know that.

Oh, f*ck! I'm so confused.

I'm-- I'm a hypocrite.

I'm a mess.

You shouldn't be

around me right now.

You need to leave.

And I'm frozen,

frozen, frozen

You're right.

I guess our one date's up.

It was good to see you, Claire.

Some things

aren't meant to last forever

Some hearts, they burn

Like a wildfire, wildfire

Some hearts aren't

meant to last together

Some hearts, they burn

Like a wildfire, wildfire

Some things

aren't meant to last forever

Some hearts, they burn

Like a wildfire, wildfire

Some hearts aren't

meant to last together

[Claire] The first love,

someone who you

willingly give away

the last of your innocence to.

And you never get it back.

Tonight, I re-met my first love,

and it affected me more

than I could have anticipated.

[knocking on door]

-[Claire's mom] Um, Claire?

-[Claire] Mm.

[Claire's mom] You got flowers.

They were out

on the doorstep this morning.

[grunts]

You keep them. Give them to Dad.

[Claire's mom] Don't you

wanna know where they're from?

No, I don't know

where they're from.

Well, it's probably on the card.

-There's a note?

-[Claire's mom] Mm-hmm.

You're kidding, let me see.

Thanks, Mom.

[strings instrumental playing]

-Hi.

-Hi.

Um, I'm looking for someone,

I'm not sure who.

-Is, like, a guy here?

-Sure. You must be Claire.

-Yeah.

-You can follow me.

Just follow me right this way.

[Claire] Oh, dear. That guy.

Thanks.

-Hi.

-[Claire] Hey.

-You.

-Me.

You're the one who's been

sending me all the flowers.

Why?

You know, I just really

want a second chance, you know.

-Ah.

-Take a seat.

I don't remember voluntarily

giving you a first chance.

Well, let me make it up to you.

I'll buy you dinner.

Um, I never told you

where I work,

and I never gave you

any of the addresses

of the places that I lived.

Um, how-- how

did you always know

where I was gonna be?

You know, I'm just gonna

put this out there, Claire.

I think you are the most

special person I've ever met.

[Claire] Am I gonna

get out of here alive?

You know,

I've read your blog and...

I feel like

I've known you forever.

And it's weird,

but, like, I just feel

like that guy

who can just help you.

[Claire] What is he smoking?

Mm, that's really nice, um...

but honestly,

I kind of feel

like you're stalking me.

[sniffles]

[Claire] Oh, my God,

he's a full-on psycho.

Just please, you have to

just give me a chance.

[Claire] Crazy personal alert.

Look, this is all really nice,

and, um,

romantic and everything.

Uh, it's just that I'm--

I'm just some girl

that you met one night at a bar

in her wedding dress.

I barfed in your house twice.

But beyond that,

you don't know

anything about me.

What is it that you think

you like so much?

It's just you were nice to me

that night at the bar.

Um, I'm glad I was nice,

but I was also

just a little bit drunk.

Like, kind of plastered,

wasted,

blind drunk out of my mind.

I had just left my wedding

earlier that day.

I mean, I was devastated.

I-- I just think that anything

that I said or did that night

probably, shouldn't be

taken too seriously.

You know, and I've-- I've

felt really guilty actually,

for what happened,

'cause I feel like...

the night we spent together...

may have influenced you

to live a lifestyle

that just isn't you.

You know, I guess,

what I'm trying to say is,

that your blog

isn't you, you know?

Let me be that guy who finds...

the girl that you really are.

[Claire] Super nut job.

It's Ryan, right?

What's your last name again?

-Um, Ottman.

-Ottman.

Look, I really,

really appreciate all of this.

You obviously,

have really nice intentions.

And thank you

for setting this up,

and also, for sending

all those bajillions of flowers.

I mean, it was kind of like,

a lot of flowers, like, a lot.

[chuckling] Um...

but this-- this thing here,

the-- the thing between us...

it's not gonna happen.

I'm really sorry.

You're a super nice guy.

Um, but I-- I don't--

I don't want any more flowers.

I'm not really

a flower girl anyway.

Um, so, I'm gonna go,

but take care, okay?

-Claire.

-Bye.

-Claire.

-Thank you.

Claire.



[sighs]

[phone ringing]

-Hello?

-Hey.

I just saw an ad

for your opening.

How come I didn't know about it?

Oh, I'm sorry,

I-- I didn't tell you.

I-- I didn't know

we were on speaking terms yet.

-And also--

-What?

Uh, nothing.

So, what's up?

Well, you're still

dating that cop, right?

-Yeah.

-Well, I just found out

who's been sending me

all those flowers.

Do you think

that your guy would mind

doing a quick

background check for me?

The guy's name is Ryan Ottman.

He's 5'10,

brown hair, brown eyes.

Yeah. Yeah, sure,

just text me to details,

so I don't forget.

He's turning

into quite the stalker.

Mm. Creepy.

It makes me feel safer

that you're not living

here with me anymore.

-Too soon?

-Maybe a little.

So, why don't we

catch up at you're opening?

I think I'm gonna

be able to make it.

Yeah, sure. I'd love that.

Okay. Bye.

Donald had finally asked me

to come in and meet with

his colleagues, the editor and

the deputy editor of the paper.

I was so nervous,

I forgot to put deodorant on,

and I had clammy, clammy hands.

I just prayed

they wouldn't notice.

Good morning.

So good to see you, Claire.

[Claire] Hi, Donald.

Great to see you.

These are two of my good friends

and coworkers at the paper,

Stacey and Colin.

-Hello.

-How do you do?

-Please, take a seat.

-Thank you.

We are big fans of your blog.

Really? Thank you.

Only we've noticed

that you hadn't been posting

quite as much lately.

Has your serial dating

begun to slow down?

I guess you could say that, yes.

But it's not that you're

running out of things to write?

Definitely not, no.

I have plenty to say,

it's just that I started

the dating blog, really,

as a form of therapy.

Um, I guess, I've also been

meeting people lately

that have tempered my enthusiasm

for dating a little bit.

So, if you could choose

anything to write about,

say, if you had your own column,

what would that be?

Well, I don't think

I would stick to just

dating and relationships.

I'd like to write

about a variety of topics.

You know, legal,

political, social,

things that really have

meaning within our community.

So, we listened to the tape

recording of your interview.

Would you say

that your writing would be

described as cynical

or man-hating?

I've definitely received that

kind of criticism on my blog,

but that blog is not the only

thing I've ever written.

It's just that once

I've chosen a theme for a piece,

I like to stick with it.

Consistency.

I like that in the writer.

Claire, we are looking for

a strong personality

to fill in a column here

at Community Weekly,

and we think you just might be

the right person for that.

What would you say

to something like that?

I guess I'd have to say yes.

[chuckling]

Good, then, we'll be

calling you in the next few days

to go over a few more things,

and have you meet

a few more people,

and hopefully,

you'll be a great fit with us.

That sounds great.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for your time.

I really appreciate it.

And Donald, thank you.

You're the best.

Very impressive.

I told you you'll like her.

[Claire] I was a little bit

nervous about seeing

Michelle again,

but it was time to make amends.

[upbeat instrumental building]

-Hi.

-Hey. Hey. Hi, Claire.

-Oh, gosh.

-So good to see you.

So good to see you.

-This is incredible.

-Oh, really?

-I'm so proud of you.

-Thanks. Thanks.

Yeah, I worked

really hard on it, so, yeah.

What's that?

-[Michelle] Oh.

-Is that-- Is that Kyle?

Oh, shit, right, uh, so,

after you and Kyle, you know,

uh, broke up, we stayed friends.

Just friends.

-[Claire] Oh, I see.

-I'm sorry.

All right, I'm gonna leave

before I ruin your night.

Oh, great.

You're here too.

"Hey, Kyle. How are you?

Handsome as ever."

I know. Thank you.

Mm-hmm,

so, how come you never told me

that you and Michelle

stayed buddy buddies

after we broke up?

I thought you knew.

So, this is where

I make my exit.

Oh, wait, but before I do,

I have something to tell you.

So, that guy

that you were telling me about,

you know the one who's been

sending you all the flowers,

-total psychopath.

-No!

Yeah, apparently, he was

put in a psychiatric ward

for attempted su1c1de.

Yeah, he has

a really weird history.

-[Claire] You're kidding.

-Just your kinda guy.

Shut up.

I'm really, really sorry

that I never

told you though, Claire,

that Kyle and I

are still friends.

I really, really hope

that you can forgive me.

Your work looks really awesome.

I am proud of you.

You should

get back to your admirers.

Thanks, Claire.

-Mm-hmm.

-I really didn't know

you were gonna

be here tonight, Claire.

Please, please,

don't follow that statement

by introducing me to the girl

you brought as your date.

I came alone

to support Michelle.

And the only date

I've been on recently

is with you.

That-- that wasn't a date.

That most certainly, was a date.

-No, it wasn't a date.

-Absolutely a date.

-Not a date.

-It was a date.

-No, it wasn't a date.

-It was a date.

-Not a date.

-It was such a good date.

-Not a date!

-A date.

-Not a date.

-Date.

Not a date.

-Not a date.

-Date.

[chuckles] So, um, I gotta ask,

you and Michelle never--

You never, um--

Claire, men can in fact,

believe it or not,

be just friends with women,

even if they are attractive.

Oh, so, you find

Michelle attractive, huh?

Oh, come on, like, you never

found anyone attractive

-when we were together.

-Uh...

well, maybe every other guy

I found very attractive.

A lot of guys

I found massively attractive.

Nothing happened

between Michelle and I.

I never even thought about it.

And I know

you're mad about this,

but I'm not the one

that lied about our friendship.

You said that

I couldn't even talk to you

after I said

I couldn't take you back, hmm?

I believe the word you were

looking for is "touch."

Hmm, okay.

This is true.

So,

I got a writing job offer today.

That's fantastic.

It's about time.

Yeah. I'm excited.

You should be.

Look at that one.

That's beautiful.

-[Kyle] Yeah.

-Very colorful.

Some really nice pieces here.

Did you see

that photo in the corner?

-Stunning. Look at that.

-Oh, no, I-- I actually--

I-- I didn't even notice that.

-It's great composition.

-You think?

No, I'd say it's not that great.

I don't like the subject,

you know, mediocre at best.

That's a pretty penny,

I'll tell you that.

-Oh, really? Why?

-Yeah.

Who'd wanna put

you on their wall?

Son of a bitch. That is me.

Oh, my God,

I didn't even know that.

What do you think

would've happened

if we'd met later in life?

Well, I think

I would've fallen for you just

as hard as I did in real life.

Mm, always the charmer.

Just excuse me

for just one second.

Claire, Claire, the--

[screaming]

What? Oh, my God!

All right, everybody,

get the f*ck back.

[Claire] So, I bet

you weren't expecting that.

Me either.

Ladies, the lesson here

is if you're out there

serial dating

or meeting strangers online,

you do run the risk

of meeting the odd nut job

stalker or sociopath.

Turns out Ryan

had been stalking me

from the very beginning.

He was clinically insane,

but I truly felt for him.

In the end,

he was just looking for love.

Maybe they were

all looking for love.

One thing was for sure:

it was the universe telling me

to stop serial dating.

Not surprisingly, Kyle

kinda ghosted me after that.

It was finally

time to hang up my hat.

["Dreamers" by

Scavenger Hunt playing]

"Dear friends,

followers and haters,

I began this journey

pretty jaded and cynical.

I was hurt, I'd seen

so many women in my life

get their hearts broken,

even my own mom.

I guess

I'd never really acknowledged

how sad that made me.

All I wanted was a guy

that wouldn't do the same to me.

And there I was,

on my wedding day,

and all my worst fears

were realized.

I was just one more girl

who'd had her heart broken

by the man she loved.

Proving all men

have flaws made me feel

less alone in my own pain.

But now,

the pain has dissipated.

And what's left

is the realization

that there's good and bad

in all of us, including me.

And while

the arc of the dating universe

may be long,

it bends towards love.

But we can't place

all our happiness and self-worth

in finding a partner.

We have to find

happiness within ourselves.

This will be my final entry.

I'm going offline.

It's time to start over,

and find out who I really am."

First thing on my mission list

was moving

out of my parents' house

and getting a place of my own.

'Cause when

the lights go out

That's where the dreamers go

Jared and I

let bygones be bygones

and decided to be good friends.

I even forgave my sister.

By the way, she got married,

and is expecting a little girl.

That's where the dreamers go

Tiffany realized she

really couldn't fill the void

in her heart with handbags,

so she split up with Tom

and sold her bags for 175 grand.

She invested in

her own tech startup,

which just

IPO'ed for $40 a share.

I finally managed

to persuade Fiona

that being a single mom

didn't have to mean

she couldn't

get out of the house.

So she found a nanny,

and then found the love

of her life, Caroline.

Let go

Did you feel it coming?

Did you feel it comin',

oh, oh

Let go

I took some time to recalibrate.

Nature's good for that.

Did you feel it coming,

oh, oh

We want some black magic

We wanna take control

And then, I met someone.

Sure, he was short,

senior, and a little graying,

but we were just meant to be.

That's where the dreamers go

Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh-oh, oh, oh, oh

That's where the dreamers go

Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh

I got the new apartment

and moved out of

my parents' place at last.

Turns out,

someone's picture did sell

for a pretty penny after all.

I also took up dancing again.

[chuckles] Well, kind of.

Pina and I spent

the afternoons reading,

and enjoying

the start of summer.

Donald called and said I

officially

got the job at the paper.

I decided not to write

about dating anymore.

I developed

a keen interest in politics,

so I started covering

the goings-on in Washington DC.

Humans are always

in search of a connection.

After the bond,

it's the discovery.

More often than not,

it seems that we're all flawed

in thinking that these people

we cherish in our lives

will simply be there

no matter what.

We forget that relationships

require nurturing

and giving part of yourself

to another person.

And that's when

the connection gets tested.

Failed relationships

leave us with a void.

Let go

We all try to fill that void

and that emptiness

with a new person.

That saying

"Time heals everything,"

I call bullshit.

Time helps,

but do we ever really heal?

No, but maybe we can grow.

In the beginning

everything is new, fun,

intriguing, and interesting.

And every once in a while,

two people have

what it takes to make it last.

They forgive, find compassion

and companionship.

I've called love a disease.

I've said that

people enjoy the feeling

because it distracts them

from reality.

But what if I was wrong?

Maybe love isn't a disease.

Maybe it's a drug

that might just be able to cure

even the most broken-hearted.

The willing light

We wanna take some

Electrically

When the city sleeps

You will find us there

Let go

-Article's finished.

-Right on time.

As usual.

You have a visitor here.

["Wildfire"

by Scavenger Hunt playing]

Do you remember

when we felt so free?

What are you doing here?

Old habits die hard, I guess.

[Donald] I'll leave

the two of you alone.

A thousand summers

in my memory

Boys like you

and girls like me

It is really,

really good to see you.

Boys like you

and girls like me

About before,

I wanted--

I wanted to say that I'm--

Boys like you

and girls like me

And when you held my hand

Electricity was raining down

Can you hear that sound

Light a match,

we're burning up this town

And if I close my eyes

Sorry.

Don't worry about it.

Some things aren't

meant to last forever

Some hearts, they burn

Like a wildfire, wildfire

Keep pushing,

I can set you free

Some things,

you can't release

Burning, burning

Like a wildfire, wildfire

We live forever...

-Wa, wa, wa.

-[Claire] Wa, wa, wa.

All right,

let's do it, let's do it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'll have scotch straight up,

whiskey on the back, and-- f*ck!

-Do it in--

-Looks like the Milky Way,

-not the, uh, The Big Dipper.

-The galaxy?

I love this.

[overlapping chatter]

-[man] Ah, boo!

-Boo!

[Claire] Oh, my God, that was

so good, I want to see one more.

You're teaching me

to be an assh*le.

[Claire] It was so good.

Are you ready?

I'm trying to work here.

Some things

aren't meant to last forever

I got it. I got it. I've got it.

-I've got this.

-We do have it.



[indistinct]

Some hearts, they burn

Like a wildfire, wildfire

Keep pushing,

I can set you free

Catering--

Paid for the catering,

paid for the photo booth.

I paid for, uh-- Paid for--

-Oh, my God. Stop!

-I'm so, so sorry, Father.

I seriously look too frightful?

[laughing] It's great.

You gotta stop!

Another time, another place

-It was beautiful.

-Thank you.

Wait, now, I'm really crying.

Frozen, frozen

You need to give me

the first check.

-[director] Come down.

-[Claire sniffles]

-[man] Mr. Sam Page.

-Hey.

[man] Here he is. Doing stuff.

[indistinct]

Every time,

we're gonna see how it's done.

We're gonna start eating.

[retching]

Well...

Some hearts, they burn

Like a wildfire

[all laughing]

So, for the Women's Wound--

Wounded Women's March.

-[director] Let's say just--

-Wound-- [laughs]

-[man] Ready, Goldilocks?

-Take one.

[woman] Shut up.