04x09 - Heffer in a Handbasket

[bunniefuu]

(Buzzing )

(Rattling )

♪ Rocko's modern life

Rocko's modern life.

♪ Rocko's modern life

Rocko's modern life.

(Whistling and buzzing )

(Splat! )

(Screaming )

♪ Rocko's modern life.

Rocko's modern life.

That was a hoot!

(Screaming, whip cracking )

(Roaring ): peaches!

Y-yes, my lord?

We are displeased.

Displeased, my lord?

Very displeased!

Well, my lord, perhaps a nice doughnut would...

You have not delivered a single mortal to us in over years.

Well, majesty, i...

Silence!

Bring a mortal to his eternal tarnation

Or be prepared to suffer the consequences!

(Sarcastically ): or be prepared to suffer the consequences.

(Rumbling )

Heffer (screaming ): no!

No-ho!

Heffer, what's going on?

The answer is meatballs!

Swedish meatballs!

Uh, polska kielbasa?

(Clock ticking, buzzer )

Oh, I'm sorry.

The answer we were looking for was "swedish meatballs."

(Groaning )

People are so stupid!

Have you ever thought about going on tv yourself?

You mean as a game show contestant?

Why not, heff?

Any idiot can get on tv.

I would do anything to be on a game show.

(Neon sign buzzing )

(Alarm beeping )

"Heffer."

Well, that's all the time we have tonigh... (Screaming )

Heffer: imagine me up there

Hitting buttons, winning prizes.

I can't believe this is happening to me!

Well, heffer, it's not all that easy...

...like to be on our show, just call --

And then a bunch of sixes!

---.

Hi, my name is heffer

And I'd doanything to be on your show.

Uh-huh, yeah, sure.

Underworld studios, at midnight?

Okay, good-bye.

You guys! I don't believe it!

I'm going to be on tv, hee-hee!

I've got you this time.

(Laughing maliciously )

(Thunderclap )

Heffer: oh, my gosh!

Wow! Wow!

Good luck, heffer.

We'll be rooting for you.

See you!

Heffer, what channel?

Sixty-six!

(Thunderclap )

Sixty-six?!

What's wrong?

I haven't got cable.

Prom night!

Whoo!

(Laughing )

(Music, applause )

Announcer: live, from tv land

It's time to playtriple !

And here's your host

The dark master of malevolence

The crown prince of eternal torment...

Peaches!

Hi, everyone, and welcome to the show

Where hapless players collect points

To win the big trip to you-know-where.

Let's meet tonight's guest.

Announcer: tonight's guest is a fat yellow cow with green hair

Who said he'd doanything to be on television.

Please welcome... Heffer wolfe!

Yes!

(Laughing )

I can't believe it!

Come on down!

Now!

(Laughing and panting )

Hi, heffer, and welcome.

Thanks, peaches, it's great to be here.

You know the rules.

In each round, you'll collect points.

Right.

When you've got points on that board

You've won the game

And the big trip!

The big trip! Whoo!

Just for being you

We'll start you off with some bonus points!

You mean I only need one point to win?

That's right.

I love this show!

(Laughing )

Let's begin the game!

Whoo!

Heffer!

Yes?

Category, please.

Hmm... Mm...

(Bell rings )

Food for one point, peaches!

All right, listen carefully.

Ham!

Are you serious?

(Laughing ): whoo!

(Buzzer sounds )

I'm sorry, the answer we were looking for isbeef.

Beef?

I never knew that!

On to the next round!

Yay!

(Cattle mooing )

Welcome to round two.

Top three answers on the board...

(Ringing bell ): sea monkeys!

(Buzzer sounds )

You didn't wait to hear the ques...

(Ringing bell ): potpourri!

(Buzzer sounds )

Good answer!

Silence!

Wait until I read the...

(Ringing bell ): sea monkeys!

(Buzzer sounds )

On to the next round! Come on, peaches!

Whoo!

Come on, come on, come on!

(Laughing ): yeah!

Heffer.

Yes?

You realize you need to score points

In order to win the game.

You betcha!

And you want to win the big trip, don't you?

(Laughing ): big trip, big trip!

And how many points do you need?

Um... Hmm...

(Mumbling )

Two points, peaches!

Whoo!

All right, for two points...

(Announcer speaking softly ): the secret word is pizza.

Okay, an italian dish.

Pasta!

No, it's round and flat.

Calzone!

No, it's flat and comes with pepperoni!

Flat calzone!

(Snarling ): no! Listen.

Uh, mean italian guy?

No, it's food! It's round!

Italian doughnut holes!

(Roaring with frustration )

Ooh, cranky pants!

(Roaring again )

Grizzly bear!

(Fierce roaring )

(Roaring back )

Sea monkeys!

(Buzzer sounds )

That was hard.

Heffer, you're now behind by four points.

That's okay, because I'm really good at this one!

It's very important to me that you win, heffer.

Then stand aside and watch me do it!

Come on, baby!

(Panting )

I got it!

Wait until the wheel stops!

Big fat cow!

What?

Big fat cow!

Whoo! Whoo!

Big fat cow!

(Laughing ): big fat cow!

You've won!

I won!

You've won!

(Laughing hysterically )

(Both laughing )

Tell him what he's won!

Announcer: well, heffer, put on those sunglasses

Because you're going someplacewarm!

That's right, heffer!

You're going to be spending the rest of eternity

Suffering unspeakable torments

In beautiful

You-know-where!

Ow.

Heffer wolfe!

I hurt my elbone.

According to the terms of our contractual agreement

You are sentenced to , bizillion years of...

Old woman: shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

Hold everything!

Grandma?

Hey, creepy! You going to help an old woman up the stairs?

Hurry up!

Grandma!

Take it easy, chunky!

You and I need to have a little talk.

I am not going to spend eternity

With this rhinoceros crashing around

Spoiling my peace and quiet!

Grandma! Mom and dad said that you went up to heav...

They've been spooning you a bunch of hooey, hefty.

You think I want to slouch around

With a bunch of sandal-wearing santa clauses?

(Hawking and spitting )

I like it here. It's warm!

But... But...

What?

He signed a contract.

Mmm, hmm, bizillion... (Mumbling ).

(Growling )

(Gulping )

That's what I think of your contract!

But... But the dark underlord...

Listen here, peachy

You try and keep the fat cow down here

And I'll make your life a living hoo-ha!

But...

Don't make me throw old fruit at you!

Heffer!

Yes, grandma?

Dracula wants a word with you.

I love my grandma.

Hey, peaches.

Um, heffer?

Yes?

Uh...

Let's put a little feeling into it!

(Heavy sighing )

Heffer wolfe!

You are hereby exonerated

Released from your contractual obligation.

Go now! Back to your mortal life!

And good riddance.

But I want to stay with my grandma!

(Roaring ): go!

Whoo-hoo!

That was a hoot!

Underlord: peaches!

You let the cow go!

Well, my lord, you see...

Enough!

Prepare yourself for the ultimate punishment!

(Screaming ): no!

(Bored: ) ♪ peaches' modern life.

What's this?

Ah, some new cartoon.

♪ Peaches' modern life.

Looks boring.

Yeah.

Yawn, yawn, yawn.

Spunky.

Spunky.

Rocko (reading ): "from the moment he first laid eyes on agnes

"Really, really big man knew it was love at first sight.

"Oh, agnes, to prove my love for you

"I would swim the highest mountain.

"Or climb the deepest sea

"I'd even put on this chicken suit

"And dance the tango

In a vat of egg salad to show my love for you"?

You've got to be joking!

That's just stupid.

I'd never do anything crazy to impress a woman.

(Rings )

(Clears throat )

Hi! I'd like to buy this week's issue of

Roller derby women from planet

Featuring twinkie, the wonder worm.

Sure.

(Hemming and hawing )

Hello?

Are you okay?

(Stammering )

Well... Here's my money.

I'll just, uh, leave it on the counter.

Well, thanks.

Bye, now.

(Bell rings )

Hi, sheila.

Hi, heff.

Bye, sheila.

Bye, heff.

Bye, bye.

Bye, bye... Bye, now.

(Babbling )

What's up?

Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.

Rocko?

Hey, are you

In some kind of trance or something?

Rocko?

Snap out of it!

Oh, no!

He looks love-struck!

Bye, bye, bye.

Bye, bye, bye...

(Coughing, gagging )

Wow, you were really out of it.

Heff, that dream on wheels?

You know her?

Who, sheila?

Sure, I know her.

She's one of the regulars down at the roll-o-dome.

I didn't know you were into roller skating.

(Crashing )

Oh, yeah

I'm into a lot of stuff that you don't know about.

Kilt tossing...

Rat curling...

Skunk mining...

Gee, how interesting, say...

Could you introduce me to sheila?

Well, sure, but...

Oh, I get it!

Rocko's in love!

I am not!

♪ Rocko loves sheila

♪ Rocko and sheila

♪ Sitting in a tree...

Kissing!

Heffer!

Oops. Sorry.

If you want to meet her

You should come down to the rink with me.

Gee, heff, I've never roller skated before.

I'd look like an idiot.

I can teach you.

It'd be a hoot!

Heffer: you'll have a swell time.

Skating is a lot more hip than most people realize.

Hey, king.

Hi, wendell. Two, please.

"King"?

That's what they call me here.

Welcome to my domain.

It's the king, wow!

Oh, he's so graceful!

It's the king! It's really him.

Gee, mr. Roller skating king, may I have your royal signature?

Well, these rental skates seem very nice.

I'm a wallaby on wheels.

Terrific!

Oof!

This is going to be harder than I thought.

You'll do better when we get on the rink.

Okay, all skate.

Try not to flail so much.

Now backwards.

Be the skates, rock.

Skate on your hands.

Try to get all five of your stomachs

Evenly distributed over the skates.

Skate on your nose.

(Muffled ): put your nostrils into it.

Skate all willy-nilly like an idiot.

Now you're getting it!

Don't worry, rock.

You're doing pretty good for a first time.

I just want to look cool on these before sheila sees me.

Hi, sheila.

Who's your friend?

That's rocko.

Hi, rocko.

Nice to meet you.

What are you doing down there?

Oh. Heh, heh.

I was, um, heh-heh, exercising.

, ...

Attention, skaters.

This next skate is a sadie hawkins

So it's ladies' choice.

Hey, rocko, would you like to skate with me?

Uh, me?

Well, i, uh...

Heh-heh.

He'd love to!

Wha...?

But first we got to go to the bathroom.

But I don't have to go to the...

Yes, you do.

Gee, rocko, you're a smooth skater.

Thanks. You're great, too.

It's like your skates don't even touch the ground.

Heh-heh. Yeah.

Deejay: ladies and gentlemen

Please clear the floor for our spotlight show.

Here, I'll be back in a minute.

For your viewing pleasure

We are pleased to present the skate stylings

Of the king!

(Cheering, girls screaming )

("Blue danube" waltz playing )

That's him, it's him.

Oh, see how graceful he is on those wheels!

(Cheering continues )

("Blue danube" continues )

He's terrific!

("Blue danube" ends, crowd cheers )

(Disco music begins )

(Crowd cheering )

(Hard-driving rock tune )

(Rock music continues )

Wow! Look at him go!

Isn't that impressive?

Well, it's not that impressive, I mean... I could do that.

Yeah! I could even do better.

Excuse me, sir.

What's the most impressive skating trick you've got?

That'd be the obstacle course.

Well, I'd like to try it!

Okay.

(Whirring, humming )

(Clanking )

Wow, that looks way too dangerous.

But I can't back out now.

What would sheila think?

Oh, what should I do?

Announcer: it's the heart against the brain

Ladies and gentlemen!

In the red corner, representing emotions and infatuation

Rocko's heart!

In the gray corner

Fighting for logic and self-preservation

Rocko's brain!

(Bell rings )

And there's the bell!

It's a knockout, ladies and gentlemen!

Emotions win over self-preservation.

(Screeches to halt )

Nice routine, heff.

Thanks. Where's rocko?

He's going to do the obstacle course.

What?!

Maybe I could just go back down the ladder.

Wait... Why am I moving?

Heff: way to go, rock!

Oh, no!

He can't stop!

And it's downhill all the way to the o-town bottomless pit!

Programs!

Can't tell the bottomless pit

From a hole in the ground

Without your program!

I've got to save him.

Rocko?

Give me your hand.

Now, now, just let me do all the work.

Heff! Hurry!

There's road construction ahead!

Not yet!

Heff!

Wow! That was close.

Oh, no! Heff's out of control!

I've got to stop him!

Excuse me, could I borrow your jackhammer?

Sure, little fella.

Do you know how to use it?

Doi know how to use it?!

Wow! He's good.

Heff, wake up!

Well, that's not going to work.

Well, that was close.

Rocko, that was wonderful!

You saved heff!

Well, heh, he saved me first.

Look, sheila, I have a confession to make.

I'm not really a good skater.

The truth is, I just wanted to impress you.

You're a nice guy, rocko.

That's what impresses me.

I will say this, though.

You sure know how to handle a jackhammer.

Thanks. It's a hobby.

Are you interested in jackhammering?

Hey! I'm sitting on top of the world!

(Laughing )

Top of the world, ma!

(Laughing )

(Cracking )

(Screaming )

(Heff screaming ) oh, yes.

Could you teach me?

It would be my pleasure.

Hop on!

(Heff continues screaming )

There's a nice rock quarry just a few blocks from here

Where the cutters make their living.

But they'll let us jump around there.

(Heff catches breath )

(Resumes screaming )