01x03 - Who's For Dinner/Love Spanked

[bunniefuu]

[Buzzing and chirping]

[Chuckling]

Good as new.

♪ Rocko's modern life ♪

Rocko's modern life.

♪ Rocko's modern life ♪

Rocko's modern life.

Spunky!

Spunky!

[Screaming]

♪ Rocko's modern life. ♪

Rocko's modern life.

[Laughing]

That was a hoot!

That's great, mum.

It's good to talk to you too.

All right.

Bye, mum.

You know, spunky, it's good to be on me own

But sometimes I still miss me family.

Look here, spunky.

I didn't know there was a photo of aunt matilda in here.

She loved runny cheeses and hockey.

She used to go on and on about her foot fungus.

And uncle barney

Why, he hasn't changed a lick in years.

Ah, spunky, it makes me all misty-eyed.

[Doorbell chimes]

Hi, hef.

What's up?

Rocko, would you, um...

Um... Come to my parents' house for dinner?

Sure, hef.

Really?

Of course.

That's great.

I've been trying to find a ride.

Rocko, there's one thing I forgot to tell you.

My grandpa hates wallabies

But don't worry

'Cause he's really nearsighted.

[Door creaking]

Heffer!

Welcome home, son!

Oh, heffer, it's so good to see you.

Good to see you, mom.

Say hello to your brother, kids.

Hello. Hello.

Your father's inside watching the game.

Come on, come on!

What, are you blind?

What kind of move was that?

Come on, get him! Get him!

He's right there!

[Growling]

Mom, this is my best friend, rocko.

He's a wa...

He's a coyote.

[Sniffing]

Now, grandpa

That's not polite.

[Gasping]

A gift?!

How delightful!

Oh, you won't like it.

I'll take it back.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

It's nothing, really.

Oh, I'm sure it's delightful.

I'm sure it's... Oh, it's beautiful.

An udder warmer.

It's wonderful.

Let's go to the den.

A coyote, huh?

Ah, you can't fool me.

I can smell a beaver from miles away.

Beaver!

So, son

How was school today?

I quit school two years ago.

What?!

We were, uh, afraid to tell you.

See? I told you he'd get mad.

[Growling]

Stop fighting.

I... Can't...

Take it!

No one's fighting, dear.

Sounds like fighting to me.

You're a loser.

Why can't you be

More like heffer?

What, a -pound cow?

He's not a cow!

He's a steer!

Stop it!

No one's fighting, dear.

I've got to practice.

Be back for dinner.

Yeah, yeah.

[Growling]

Virginia, that kid is turning my hair white.

Oh, don't be silly, dear.

That's a toupee.

It is not!

Oh, great.

Now I'm going to have to get a new one.

[Horn honks]

That's my ride.

[Screaming]

Virginia!

We were afraid to tell you.

See? I told you he'd have a cow.

No offense, heffer.

He's a steer!

Would you like to see some home movies, jocko?

Or maybe you'd rather just build a dam!

Oh, no, thanks.

Home movies would be fine.

Mom: oh, heffer was always a fussy eater.

Dad: moron!

Hey!

Oh, don't show this part.

Mom: oh, this is heffer's fifth birthday.

Dad: three lawsuits...

Happybirthday.

[Raspberry]

That's my favorite part.

[Giggling]

Hey, are we going to eat or what?

Everyone get your seats.

Dinner's ready.

My seat! My seat!

My seat!

Dinner... Is... Prepared.

I hope you're not letting the beaver

Eat off the good china.

Otherwise, we'll have to smash the plates.

Okay, let's eat.

Okay, whose turn is it to feed grandpa?

I did it last time.

No, I did.

Son, I believe it's your turn.

Fine.

[Grunting]

How's your dinner, grandpa?

Ah, tastes like wolf spit.

[Inhaling]

[Wheezing]

Don't you like your dinner, crocko?

[Pop]

Our food's not good enough for thebeaver,huh?

Well, you better go back to the zoo

'Cause we don't got any

Of that fancy-schmancy slop here.

May I use your bathroom?

Sorry. Wrong door.

[Muffled grunting]

So, rocko, you and heffer have been friends a long time?

Oh, yes, and it's quite interesting.

In all the years I've known him

He never once told me he was adopted.

[Rhythmic thumping]

[Tube belching air]

Is that true?!

Well, yes, honey.

We found you under a tree in brandewine farms.

You were skinny

So we decided to fatten you up

But then we grew to love you.

But what about my birthmark?

Now, just take it easy, heffer.

Heffer-- is that even my real name?

Dad used to call you steak.

Heffer, sit down and talk to me.

I'm still your father.

You're not my father!

You're just a jerk in wolf's clothing!

[Wailing]

[Door slams]

Well, I'm stuffed.

I say we eat the beaver.

Give me another double order of fries.

Sorry, pal.

I think you've had enough.

I'll tell you when I've had enough

You greasy plate jockey!

[Screaming]

Hey, dijon.

Yow!

No, the bigheads haven't seen heffer, either.

[Squeaking]

What's that?

Oh.

And they don't care.

I know.

Let's see if we can get his picture

On some milk cartons.

Hey, wait a second.

His pictureis on every milk carton.

Let's go find our son.

[Horns honking]

Look away, honey.

No, that's not him.

[Tires squealing]

[Burping]

I wonder what my real dad was like.

[Fanfare playing and crowd cheering]

All: praise heffer.

[Crowd cheering]

[Honking]

[Rooster crowing]

My father's tombstone!

[Wailing]

Hey, quit bawling.

D... Dad?

Yeah, yeah, you heard me.

Knock off the crying.

That's not my grave.

I'm not dead.

I'm living in canoga park with joyce.

Say hello.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

You should visit sometime.

Mom?!

That's not your mom.

You mom's a car seat in illinois.

Why don't you leave me alone?

I'm tired of you kids coming around

Looking for yourdaddy.

I've had a million kids that look exactly like you--

[Hawking:] ugly!

Joyce, come here and clean up after me.

I guess no one loves me.

[Wailing]

[Sniffling]

[Trumpeting]

[Southern accent:] hey, aren't you that guy on the milk cartons?

A family of wolves was by here looking for you.

Seemed real upset.

Matter of fact, had a beaver with them.

Mom: heffer, you're back!

Oh, heffer, where did you go?

I went looking for my real family

But I found out

That you're my real family after all.

Son... Come here.

[Grunts]

Dad, I'm a little full right now

So I don't think you should...

What, suddenly you're too grown up

To hug your old man?

Come here.

[Gurgling]

[Vomiting]

Dad: somebody better get the hose.

[Howling]

[Howling]

Moo!

Melba.

Hey, rocko...

Rock, are you still lusting after melba?

Didn't you hear?

She has a boyfriend now.

Boyfriend?

Gee, rock, I thought you heard.

His name is dave.

Is he handsome?

Yup, and a nice guy too.

Last night, he bought everybody

A round of burgers at the gristle palace.

You got to get over this melba thing, you know?

Get out there and start dating.

Hmm...

Hey! How about the personals?

We'll write you a personals ad.

That way, the dates come to you.

I don't know, hef.

I think I'll just wait for melba.

Heffer: nonsense. There's plenty of fish in the sea.

Rocko: maybe you're right.

"Marsupial with big, hairy chest

"Seeking female with same.

"Will suck the fillings out of your teeth

"If you let me.

"I am adventurous

"And will try anything once.

[Gulping, burping, and gagging]

Twice if you're lucky."

But, hef, that isn't anything like me.

Details. The hard part

Is getting the dates.

Then you'll grow on each other.

Rocko!

Pay dirt!

You're in date city now.

How did I ever let you talk me into this?

You know I'm not very good at dating.

I know you're skeptical, but I'll set you up

So you cannot fail.

[Tires screeching]

[Doorbell rings]

I... I'm your wild stallion

Here to whisk you away.

You must be my little girl's date.

Let me tell you something.

You lay one paw

On my daughter

And you'll become my personal toothpick!

You hear me?

Female voice: daddy?

Is that my date?

Yes, dear.

Now, you two run along

And have a good time.

Yes, sir.

We certainly will.

[Giggling]

Your father seems like

A real great guy.

So, what do you want to do?

Uh, well, uh...

How about I walk you back to the door?

How about we trade math equations, baby?

[Screaming]

Well, isn't this

A touching moment?

[Rocko yelling]

[Bird tweeting]

Check.

[Rocko yelling, date trumpeting]

Well, if it isn't mr. Wonderful.

[Panting]

Hey, rock!

No more personals.

I've got the answer.

Look at this.

What?

"Wallabies wanted for thelove seatshow?"

Heffer, you're not suggesting

That I go on that ridiculous dating show

Are you?

No way!

Come on.

Give it a sh*t.

You probably won't even get picked.

[Teeth chattering]

Let's meet our contestant for today.

He enjoys making models of thetitanic,jackhammering

And chocolate makes his head... Swell.

Let's give a warm love seatwelcome

To rocko.

You ever play our game before?

Good.

We've fed all your vital statistics

Into our computer.

Then we've taken contestants

And matched them up. And...

We let the audience pick.

You go out, come back

Tell us how it went.

You with me?

Good! It's time now

For the audience to decide your fate.

I mean date.

Will it be date number one

Date number two

Or date number three?

And the studio audience says...

[Buzzer sounds]

The people have spoken.

Before we reveal the candidate selected

Let's introduce the two unfortunates not chosen.

Date number one, diane

One of our nation's leading rocket scientists

Who in her spare time

Enjoys bungee jumping

Into hot whipped cream.

Yvonne, date number two.

A pulitzer prize- winning poet

Yvonne claims her only weakness is an unbearable fetish

For short wallabies.

[Moaning]

And your date

Not only loves building models

And jackhammering

But is content just spending a lot of time

On the couch.

Your date... Heffer.

I'm sorry about this, rocko.

The third contestant

Had to do a bikini calendar photo sh**t

And they needed a stand-in.

[Goofy laughing]

So, how did the date go?

He was very cold...

Hmm... Very quiet, and extremely cheap.

Very cheap.

Wouldn't buy me a thing

And the way he was dressed was appalling.

Forget all those goofy dates.

Melba's the one for me.

I got to go over there and get up the nerve

To talk to her.

Oh, boy.

Eh. Not too bad.

Morning, melba.

Nah. That's not me.

Hmm...

Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please!!!

Nah.

I've just got to be myself.

I'm not a bad guy.

I got a lot going for me.

Yeah. Look at that.

Yeah, melba.

Yeah, melba.

Yeah, melba!

I'm going to do it!

[Doorbell rings]

Rocko, I know you're mad at me.

Heffer, don't worry about it.

I'm going to melba's to introduce myself.

You are? Great!

She'll want to meet you after she reads this.

"I'm madly, hopelessly, and deeply in love with you.

"Let me dance in your love cups and serve you tea.

"Forever yours, your next-door neighbor...

Rocko?"

I love the "love cups" part.

Melba!!!

No!!!

Aah!!!

There, there, rocko.

Love is a tough emotion.

You have to get in touch with your inner self.

Now I'm going to buy everybody some burgers

At the gristle palace.

Rocko, is it more dates you want, 'cause i...

No! Don't say it.

Go find another victim for your dating schemes.

Heffer, I want you out of my life.

Gee.

[Sniffing]

Okay.

I can take a hint.

Uh, it's okay, hef.

I know you were just trying to help.

Besides, what are the chances

That she'd even see

A little ad like that?

At least it wasn't on the front page.

What do you say we grab a bite to eat?

Uh, gee, uh...

No. Why don't we just stay inside

And play checkers?

[Sheep bleating]